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Greatest Year 2010 - The Story
Friday, December 31, 2010

This is it, the last day of 2010. Each 31th December of the year, we commemorate a year of our lives. It's interesting to see how everyone automatically takes a moment to reflect, maybe because of the concept of time, knowing we have progressed through life. And the one tangible measure of life is time.

This year has been the greatest year of my life ever. Even better than my past, but definitely will not surpass what's installed in the future. This year, so much things has happened. 2010 took me through plenty of ups and downs. But for every bad that happens, I count it all gain, as everything comes together to make life as it's philosophically known, life. And with it, I've grown exponentially, taking leaps and bounds.

Taking and living on a renewed calling, pushing myself to greater depths. Opening my heart for the reconciliation of relationships, learning how to love and loved. Building true friendships. Learning principles, experiencing miracles from my heart. Facing up to my deepest fears and hurts and learning to overcome them.

My mom asked me for one thing that I'm thankful for, thinking through all the great things that has happened so far, I think no other word will be suffice for the goodness of everything than this. I'm thankful for God, being God. Everything surrounding my life, especially that calling the burns stronger with time.

I'll have no choice but to admit, that surrounding all these wonders of the year is because of God. Found my first personal encounter with God, and life has never been any more meaningful since then. If one year in His calling amounts to so much, I'm sure the rest of the goodness of life cannot fit into my wildest of imaginations. And I'm excited for the future, day by day, and I watch and His hand unfolds His power in my life.

The second best thing of course would to be my greatest, bestest, miraculous gift from God to me. A true friend. One whom I have no walls with. One whom I can let down everything, and simply be me. One whom I can completely love without restraint and be loved in return till the point where people question if we're straight xD My inspiration and hero. My support, and partner. Sharing the same heart and goals, pushing each other forward.

My resolution for 2010, is to be refined into a better person, being able to impact more lives powerfully. And also for me to work on my relations with others.



For everything that has happened, shall do a simple recollection of all the memories and milestones from my journal this year. Refreshes my memory of the year, evcen those which I've long forgotten. Woah... over 200 posts O.O

[[ Click on the dates to link to the posts =D ]]
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[[ January ]]
Funny to look back and see how fast time has passed. I was only in year 1 then. Beginning of the season for a new change. Resolved to leave my facades and become truer with others. Learnt about self acceptance. Went through certain turbulence with Timothy. 2010's resolution was to become a better person.
~~~~~~~~~~

Jan 14th

First birthday in poly, looked forward to sharing it with friends. Was showered with gifts which I use til now. Things didn't go so well that day, was mostly alone but nonetheless, a day to remember =) Timothy spent some time to keep me company that day =)

Jan 15th

My goodbye letter to hq. Marks the first breakdown of our friendship. Lost the energy and will to continue pursuing her. Felt it was time I moved on to develop myself. Aimed to add life back into who I was, didn't want to let things get in my way.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ February ]]
Reevaluation of my ways of friendship. Was at a low period due to declining friendships, especially a particular person close to me. Revealed a certain secret as well after accidentally being exposed Random memories of me falling and tearing a hole in my favourite pants =| won my first dollar from mahjong with relatives
~~~~~~~~~~

Feb 5th

2nd closing ceremony for Hiclub. Didn't really had a good experience because of all the committee stuff and responsibility.

Feb 11th

Wrote out a metaphor for Y. I like it when my emotions are at its peak, I think I write waaay better during times like that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ March ]]
The breakthrough of my life. Devoted myself to the 21 days of prayer, and through it, found a whole series of inspired wisdom and blessings, and most importantly, that divine encounter. Changed my life from there on. Was also a time when I kinda set myself into a philosophy of intimate relationships, crushes and stuff. Learnt a lot through a few readings and understood love in a more deeper, selfless manner. During this time I was also dealt the hardest blow in my life that still lingers on today. Was not chosen for Hi Club's main comm. Til then, it has always been a thorn in the flesh.
~~~~~~~~~~

1st - 21th Mar

21 days of prayer. Major breakthrough in life. Never felt closer to God then I ever did. First personal encounter with God as a generational Christian. Felt God's presence with me everyday, and glad I was able to tune myself in to do much more with love.

2nd Mar

Timothy's birthday. Grateful for him as a friend through my times. The closest friend I had since that time. A companion for my thoughts and someone I enjoy. My tower of strength as well. As much as we often have opposing views, I think you still have a great heart and hope you can grow more.

31th Mar

Hiclub AGM. No longer was a main comm. Held back my tears and faked a smile. Wasn't that hard at first, but as the time went by, felt more hurt each time I saw the main comm together.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ April ]]
2nd year of poly, much more to learn, interesting modules. Oppoturnities for me to develop leadership. Lost my heart for Hiclub after being badly affected by the main comm thing. A lot of thoughts about Y.

~~~~~~~~~~

14th Apr

Got to be a GL for the first time for HMS Foc. Really enjoyed my time with them, although I wasn't that good a leader.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ May ]]

Another month of personal challenges and refining. Being sulking over the issue of friends and me for about 2 months now. Learnt to stand alone. Hi club intermediate classes never felt as bad as ever before. Every class was a drag to go. Lost a lot of passion for hiclub then.

~~~~~~~~~~

2th May

Experience my own miracle and proof of being a true friend. Through contstant heartfelt prayers, by the grace of God, my friend was steered from going down the wrong path. Learnt so much from there, especially a lovely verse
Psalms 23:3
He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name sake.
13th May

Hi Club instructor of 1F. Being an instructor has brought me much joy. Seeing all my students growing up, especially when they tell me how much they enjoyed classes.

29th May

Mommy's birthday. Was preparing for this day for a week before. Printed her a old picture of the family when we were young and wrote a note to her. She was so touched and proud of it she kept showing it to everyone. Thank you mommy for everything you have done. I love you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ June ]]

Got involved in a few HI's related events. Also a learning point where I felt I needed to stop holding back because of fears. Slowly deviated away from God through the busyness of life. Faced a big blow from a friend.

~~~~~~~~~~

5th Jun

Went out with Hiclub to Vivo as a field trip to pretend we're HI's. Wasn't that all too good, as I felt that we might not have done a lot of things right, but overall, one thing I really appreciate about it is the silence. Sometimes I wish there was really good earplugs to block out all the sound and just to appreciate the silence.

24th Jun

A human revelation of God's love when He sent Jesus down for us. From a Father's heart, to hold back His power, just for us worthless and sinful humans, all because of love. Privileged with that understanding.

26 Jun

Got encouraging compliment from a friend, something I hardly ever receive.

I like how strong you are and the fact that you never give up. I like how no matter what anyone says, you stay true to yourself.

Thanks Hanisah, that meant a whole lot to me. Inspired me to carry on.

30 Jun

Interesting event. Forgot about it already. Felt hurt over something which Timothy revealed. Kept me in the dark from something, and acted convincingly surprised when I found out. Weeks later when I found out (today), I some how felt like my trust was betrayed. Wished he told me the truth. Questioned my friendship with him. Owells ._.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ July ]]

Led my first performance to push standards higher. Learnt more about self-acceptance as well, pertaining to me and my perception of being an annoyance.

Main reccurent issue of friendship here. Had a heartfelt desire for a true friend. Emo-ed on the way I dealt with friends, and my way of pushing them away. Experience a turmoil with Timothy regarding disclosure. Made and hurt a new friend. qy.

Slowly developed my love for her, one that appeared foolish, but unconditionally there to push me on.

~~~~~~~~~~

7 Jul

Learn to accept myself as a gift. Overcome past hurts, as best that I could. As much as it haunts me, gotta learn to believe that I'm not a burden, or annoyance to others.

8 Jul

Final performance for "Change a Heart, Change a World". Felt like I made history, topping the standards for song signing in Hi Club. Pushed limits till we could standardize our timing and signings even when blindfolded =D and I emo-ed as I felt no one showed appreciation for what I did, but nonetheless left a small legacy behind to the juniors, as the blind-video-standardization. =)

20 Jul

Blogged some thoughts about relationships. Something I hold dear.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ August ]]

Closing ceremony of hiclub. Concludes my 3rd and final semester. Personalized the call of deviance in a self proclaimed genius deviant. Signed up for camp comm for church, taking up a great leader role.

Quite a thought filled month, with me draining out from doing good, and finding my strength from God.

Other interesting memories, HuiQi coming down to help me when I had a serious migraine attack. Haha. Cried after watching a video on soldiers surprising their families after returning from war. The love in their eyes moved me, and then emoed once I felt it was a dream to me.

~~~~~~~~~~

5 Aug

Recollection of Hiclub as the sem closed. Thought through my experience in Hiclub and realized how much it was such a diffuclt journey for me, even though filled with much passion.

19 Aug

Commemorated ZX as my hero. Seeing his zest and good will his the lives around him. Someone who shared the same ideals of altruism. My comrade.

26 Aug

Reawakening of the shadow self, the nemesis to my gifts. The destroyer in me, taking out all the weaknesses in someone and exploiting them with it. Hope it will never surface ever again, and thank God I've yet to do anything as evil as that.

29 Aug

Realize the unresolved guilt I had with my friend from past hurt. Holding back and a stumbling block throughout my life ever since. Needed to forgive myself from all the guilt and believe in opening myself again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ September ]]

Realized I've been out of all the matter of affections for quite some time. Felt free and happier. Watch a series of videos of social experiments and people not doing anything to help. Formalized some thoughts about "affections". Theorized my model of social capacity. Thought about me being an annoyance again, and went through a bad emo night. Made another hallmark in Hiclub song signing.

Another important hallmark of my life. Camp 180. Resolved to face up to my fears of love, and learnt an important principle of truth and genuineness towards myself and others. Also marked the friendship between me and ZX.

~~~~~~~~~~

16 Sep

Once again pushed the limits of song signing. Choreo-ed for camp performance taking on Waka Waka, in the theme of k-pop-ish inspiration. One of the most epic, non-stop movement for song signing where each individual only gets sign 4 lines, with only 8 -10 sec of air time. Overall, was one epic performance, was glad I had more than 50 over likes. =D


28 Sep

Camp 180, finally after 2 months of planning. Learnt a lot of faith and principles here. Felt a need that I should face up to my deepest darkest fear of love. Something that was holding me back from all and everything that I could do and possibly was. Also helped me assimilate into the church social circle. Cried my eyes out here together with my now-best-friend.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ October ]]

Worked on an MV with song signing inside. Didn't do that well as I pulled the whole team back with my own struggles. Had some low periods with friendships again, caused a certain rift towards a few people.

Learnt about impersonalization and my own perception of loving myself. Experience having faith to God to give not what I want but to give me what's best. Also to stand alone to do the right thing.

Started on counseling modules =) Oh oh, and as well as a super negative first impression of me from a friend, which changed after she got to know me haha. xD Practiced confession as in saying out the deepest most sensitive things to my friends in letting them know the truth. hard

~~~~~~~~~~

1st Oct

Had to hold hq's hand. I think I struggled with my heart having to open up to a raw form of love. Hard to understand but yea. Well, open that incident, it unlocked certain parts of me. With that expressed love twice out of my own security. Felt sad for stalling the MV though =l

13 Oct

Hi Club camp as a GL. Led a group with only one guy haha, but was really nice memories. Sadded that we bonded towards the later part of the camp. But kinda glad to have a homely camp unlike those outside.

22 Oct

HMS camp wasn't as good as I wished it'll be, feeling much alone because of all the differences. Learnt to stand alone, to do the right thing, and it was pretty tough, but I'm proud of myself that I did not succumb.

30 Oct

emoed again about Hi Club matters pertaining to instructor this time. Was sad that I couldn't get the level which I wanted (I got it in the end). Learnt to surrender my rights.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ November ]]

Hmm, 2nd last month. Mostly revolved round the past emoing of main comm. Penned down the different sides of me. Thought filled month, and me awakening to the whisper inside me.

Also found a deeper root in myself and something I've struggled with. Value. On a happier side, found a recipe for smiling, a true happiness that arises from the heart.

~~~~~~~~~~

20 Nov

Felt hurt after finding out I was thought by some to be an extra, despite the good intentions I had. Felt like as though I was misjudged and stuff but haha, owells.

28 Nov

Started the 3rd cycle of my friendship with hq, unable to see everything she's going through and not doing anything. Been a long arduous journey with her but heh. Ahaha, all for love's sake =P

29 Nov

Figured I've always felt worthless towards the people around me and I struggle to even give myself any value. Seemed that rhoughtout life, as much as objectively, I'm not as bad as I think I am, yet people often lash out easily, while hold back on the good things. So far, after everything that I've done, I still doubt myself, hardly ever receiving any affirmation.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ December ]]

Final month of the year. Saw me reconciliation with hq, in an absolute honest confrontation, similarly, for my brother to read my thoughts and feelings towards our past. Did something beyond me as well, well, haha for the first time. Had some emo moments. Was finally allowed back into her world again =) That nostalgia when I first glimpse upon it. Haha.

Ended off with learning how to rely on God instead of my own strengths, seeing me through each day. and picking me up whenever I get tired.

~~~~~~~~~~

4 Dec

Stalked my brother on facebook. Realized my absence in his life and how bad I treated him in the past. Happy that things had turn out much much better for him. Hope that I can bring up my relationship with him in 2011.

11 Dec

Met up with her, to say out everything. Was happy that I could bring back the relationship. along side, did some crazy stuff which I never saw myself doing. Yeap. Haha. My first ._.

20th Dec

Cambodia trip. Enjoyed myself. Had an eye-opener to things from other lands as well as to work on relating with others. I enjoy being able to be overseas with my friends.

24th Dec

Spend Christmas Eve feeling at my lowest of the year. Old hurts and needs resurfacing. Tugging at my heart strings. Felt exhausted after all the work. Glad that I picked up the next day =)

27- 28th Dec

Stayed over at ZX's place. Never really a sleepover at a best friend's house. Played til late at night haha, =P great memories.

30th Dec

Hear Me Out event. First time executing a plan without giving up halfway. Really nice and meaningful time with the HI's making new friends and stuff as well as working together with the subs =D Memorable experience.

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Crystal Thoughts
Monday, December 27, 2010

Thank you for allowing me that chance. Sorry I got so retardedly hyped out I kinda neglected your feelings. I think I didn't realize how much it meant to me.

It suddenly came to mind, after calming down, how, I've hardly ever felt being the recipient of self-disclosure. Aside from xiongz who does it more. Maybe I'm the only fool who openly displays everything to everyone but heh.

Anyway, it meant a lot to me. Somehow. I didn't dare open the page, it just felt so unreal. The second my eyes laid on it, a whole bunch of emotions flowed in. This place somehow, had a sentimental value to me. It felt like a distant memory, haha, maybe something like Narnia O.O But yea, I could picture myself entering the room, peering at all the ornaments, feeling the texture of the walls.

I think, and felt, that those thoughts were so beautiful, so precious and delicate. Like crystal sculptures. Each memory, had a story to it, a sweet gentle touch to it. I dunno, but it felt overwhelming. I finally could leave aside all the guessing games, and be able to see your thoughts.

Really treasure this chance, this moment where I am able to walk into the room, as feel it. I learned some things. Never concretely knew my value to you. As well as all the moments of my selfishness I see. Shouldn't take you for granted. Gonna try my best to love you more.

Thank you ._. Thank you so much for giving me this chance. Not sure if you understand, but it means, a heck lot to me. So much I'll prolly emo about it. haha. Anyways, still sorry for the insensitivity ._. I suck.

Til the next dream...


================


Had a talk with ZX about 2011. A common weight in our minds is the we both know it's gonna be our last year together, before it's left much to fate to direct it's course. However, I really appreciate that both of us can come objectively together, to acknowledge the possible departure of this meaningful friendship without the doom and gloom.

We will one day in time, have to come to part, a fact we both understand. But it is in our consciousness that it reminds us to cherish and make the fullest of whatever that's given to us. Rather than hold back, all the more should we pour everything we have into it, even if it meant our hearts breaking harder when the day comes. Because we know it'll be worth it all.

As much as our hearts desire for that infinite bond, it is undeniable that circumstances will dampen that bond, and perhaps in it's worst, dissolve it. I often wonder what would my future life be like without him. Army, uni, work, future, without this great brother and gift. But all I know is that, he'll forever be someone special in my heart, regardless of where my journey leads me. For the first miracle my heart yearned for, he'll be one that I'll place in my heart, forever.

And hah, you came to mind too. Not sure what's gonna happen after poly. Thing will change probably. Heartbreaks will be there. But I just want to let you know, if I could choose, I'd want our lives to be together forever. I wanna be there for you through it all. But I'll have faith. Faith that strength will see you through, even when the day comes I cease to exist by your side. And love will fill your heart, and life will ever so meaningful. I believe, and I love you.

In closure, I still hold to my belief that bonds are not made to last forever, but for a specific time and purpose. However, my philosophy would be:

Don't cry because it's over, be thankful because it happened.

And that I truly am. ^^

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On His Shoulders
Sunday, December 26, 2010

Ha, Pa. Quite like any time I guess, I'm back on my feet.

I've come to realize, all these things I'm going through, all the pain, all the strain of having to give my own heart's desires and wants just for Your purpose.

It's agonizing every time, I see how weak I am, full of problems, empty patches, and places needing repair. Like how much my whole being sucks for the way I am, yet through You, I'm as powerful as any other hero, under the submission of God.

I guess, after having to go through one of the sudden deepest lows, and to step out of it as though the pains were gone without repression or cheating myself, it just shows Your evidence in my life, my calling.

For this very run, that my feeble often get so tired, you pick me up on Your shoulders and carry me through. For each time I feel exhausted, drained, helpless, worthless, and as if everything wasn't worth continuing, your still small voice whispers to my heart.

I know that You will suffice all that I need, and in my faith, I wait patiently and faithfully on the good my work will bear. All those that I lack, in due time, in Your time, You will provide.

You know Pa, I'm so grateful for Your presence in my life. Pushing me through everything that has happened throughout just this year, my words, will never measure up with the good You have done, and my praises, if never ending, still fails to sing of Your glory.

Pa, for every thing that You have instilled into me, would you give me greater grace, mercy, and strength, in being the one You have design me to be, to be a vessel of Your love for others, that unconditional, agape love. Make me stronger with each day, as I live a life that is wholly dedicated to being an impact for You. That lives will be touched by love, only because You first loved me, and everyone else.

Pa, as hard as it might be, as tough as it renders me to have to surrender my flesh, Father Lord, I have found no greater joy, and meaning to my life, aside from wholly pursuing Your purpose in me, and being a tool to impact others. I thank You for the great privilege of walking this path, albeit arduous.

Pa, this Christmas, I only ask that You mold me to become like Christ, to love others as powerfully as You.

I love You, Pa. ^^

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Far From Home
Friday, December 24, 2010

It's Christmas Eve.

Frankly, I don't really feel anything, though I'm trying to fit myself into the mood. Either the days are being ordinary that they don't make a difference. Or extraordinary.

Being having lotsa thoughts this festive day.

Most of them circulating round friends.

Sometimes I think I fail pretty much as a friend. Presently, I'm not sure if its a phase, but as I look into the current friendships I wonder where I am going. Bit by bit, cracks appear.

For that gem whom I've found, I'm ever grateful for the blessed smooth journey. The other, silent conflicts bubbling from opposing principles and perspectives, held together by common interest. Yet, a subtle pain of trust being challenged by a void of understanding.

To another, I'm yet living another by faith. One roughened by storms, scarred by life's tempest. One whom I do not know. A reclusing shadow, drawn towards the blanket of the night. The last of four, an agonizing force that compels me forward. Of no returns, this sets my greatest bond of altruistic measure.

A common theme among them, a hidden wall. I only see the dark silhouette cast upon the ground by the light. My faith and trust wears thin. To try be by one yet in unknown.

I can only find myself to blame. Not quite a good friend material anyway. Maybe I don't give that sense of security. As someone shared, I give this notion that I might just fly away anytime. I cant disagree. Many times I subconsciously depersonalized myself from others, because I don't want to be held down by bonds I don't want to sap my fuel. Or maybe I lost that touch of being relational. Don't want to live under the obligations of people's expectations either. A knowing that contracts me to do something.

I look at you and ask myself what I am doing. I feel like a fool at times. I'm not even sure if there's any value in what I am doing. Well, I fail much, to provide that safe place, not as well as they did. That wariness hurts.

I look at your double and wonder what it would be like if there was that zest, that smile backed by life. I wonder if maybe things would be more comfortable. And that I could give less and receive.

I think it's me being greedy and self-centered. Always wanting people to care, to understand. I haven't really understood much of anyone. Perhaps even in my attempts, there's too much of self making me lose focus of others. As much as I try, I keep forgetting to ask why, as if assuming everything was fine.

I should try talking less about myself and more of others. Maybe that'll work. Is it the norm to have little self-disclosure? Is it for protection or for selflessness? All these facades and secrets... I'm at a loss of what to do next. I cant go on pretending everything is fine when I'm struggling to keep my sanity that everything's alrite.

I think I'm slowly losing it. The people around. Maybe I've changed, and brought in some wrongs.

I'm so tired of working so hard and having to persevere through all this. What's the point of persistence if I'm ignorant about these matters. I don't know how to do anything anymore, I'm just learning, trying to pick up whatever I can.

I feel so dry, I don't want to run this race any more. My joints are giving in. Growing weaker as the days go by. Yet I cant stop running. I don't want to continue, but I will. The force, whether by divine grace or foolish compulsion, picks me like a wind and edges me on. Sometimes through piercing shards that bleeds me for doing right.

I feel like I'm walking in a parched desert, lost and aimless, yet knowing a step in any direction brings me closer to something. Under the dark, I'm haunted by apparitions of illusion friendships.

I think I tried loving others so much I forgot how it felt like to be loved. I cant remember what it feels like to be the recipient of an unconditional care, having someone watch me, protect me, embrace me, and shower me with love. I don't even miss that feeling because any memories of it is wiped into oblivion, I can only vaguely picture what's left of that yearning of what it would feel like. I feel so far from home.

I wish I can just drop everything and be part of everyone. I wish I can be like a child again, carefree and without responsibilities, with parents to love me lots. That I can be together with friends, with lives less complicated by time. Innocence that guides the genuineness between two. A love untainted by fears and worries. That warmth, unrestrained, filling the depths of my heart.

But I only know I can never find it. And to cry on the floor thrashing and sulking will do no good to anyone. If I was to succumb to all these weaknesses, I'll lose out on all the things I can give others. There is no point if two strangers suffer in the cold lone if one could give up everything to add value to the other's life. I'll be willing to give up my life or happiness if it could make up for another person's life. Selflessness, or neglect? I've long lost hope on any good that I could ever find. I don't want that hope of others to die out as well.

I think I'm running on an overdue love debt. I miss home.

"" I really hope you can find someone who would love
you as much as you well deserve it someday."

I hope so too; someday =]


And that's how I spent my Christmas Eve, longing for a home I'll never find.

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Ten Plus One
Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Heh, with the recent events, old wounds have been dug up again. Main comm. Been asked numerous times about why I'm not in the leadership camp or in AGM. Maybe what makes it more painful is that they expected me to be there? =/ I often answer them with a forced smile, "oh that cause it's intended for you juniors." Whereas, some where deep down, my answer was "that's because I'm not in the main comm."

Think it's both a good and bad thing that some people see me almost equivalent to the main comm. It lightens me to know that people see me in high regard, yet at the same time, pains me whenever I feel that it's only a image. I'm just another member. Maybe a way more enthu one. Yet in the best of my heart I can manage, I make everything I do for Hiclub as best I can, though frustrated with my limited power.

I secretly watched the main comm as they had their meeting yesterday. Inside me, I felt a sense of happiness. Finally, be it only my delusions, I felt a slight inkling of connection with them, even if it meant watching from the shadows. Always felt as though I was a separate entity from them.

We all had the heart for Hiclub. Yet through the links of status, a separate community was inevitably formed, out of my inclusion. The family I grew up with, now together, yet I cant be at the same level with the rest of them. All I can is fight off the constant thought of how we, are the same, yet not the same. Same batch, same friends, same experience. Different places.

Hiding for more than 4 hours, I had plenty of time for imaginations, as I often do. It led me throught the thoughts of "what if's...?" What if, I was in the main comm, discussing all the matters with them, planning important events, charting out the future for Hi Club.

Snapped back to reality as I watch them laughed together. The thing is, I wasn't any main comm, neither did the slightest inch of possibility ever existed for it to restore. In the end, I was only an outsider, shamelessly hiding in the dark, watching, living in a mix of dashed dreams and self pity.

I wonder back to myself, how things could be different if I was in the comm. But then, I can't just see the supposed good I think I can, and neglect what someone else could have done with the same position as well.

I have various unresolved thoughts concerning me and the main comm. Why was I not chosen for it? At least in current terms, I would fit the role of a main comm well? Did I "mature" too late? Was my attitude too bad back then? Did I lack the capabilities? Even if I could replace one, who was I supposed to replace? Or that there's no role suited or left for me? Do I have the right to compare myself with any other main comm? And then begets the old question, was it a case of bias, that an injustice was done to me?

These answers I hope and know I'll have to get because I don't to move on with all these unresolved issues and answers I never get to find. I'd hunt you down, and you better not withhold what's rightfully owed to me; an explanation.

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Cambodia 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010

Back from Cambodia 13-17 Dec 2010 (A little late I know haha)

It's been a really nice experience, both in my personal objectives as well as experentially. Got to see the different sides of poverty and disability, in a developing nation. And wow, kinda sad sometimes. Though I feel inspired by the social organizations that empower these people and their lives. And the volunteers there are really really sweet and warm people. Glad to see the love of christianity flow through them. Really wonderful and encouraging. Got to spend more time with my class. Haha, really nice being together with them, overseas. The laughters and times, makes me appreciate my class much more, I wish we had more time together.

anyway. Quite mixed feelings during the trip. I went there with an intention to bond with my classmates, hoping to tap on the conducive environment. First 3 days wasn't good I felt. tried too hard, and ended up mirroring others too much. I felt it yet find it hard to stop. In the end, after 3 days, I had nothing, for I was being nothing either.

4th day had it better, by me purposing to try be more relational. Tried with timothy, though didn't get too good results. Got some real results this time, being able to htht with mm 3 people and better a relationship with another =) And lol. Last night was pretty interesting. Got a random htht moment with a classmate, talking about God and stuff. Encouraging to know someone like her as well, and to know her life story. Haaa =)

Since i had the chance anyway, popped by another friend and had a chat ._. Was kinda looking out during the trip, but sheesh, got so many people around and stuff, didnt dare and kinda gave up. But owells, in the end had this bloody long convo through the night, shared a few secrets, preached some introspective thoughts and well, lol. Yeap.

Flight home, had those random flight chat with the person beside. He was a CEO of a manufacturing for branded apparels. Talking to him about family and life issues of the modern day world, how many people take things for granted, family, time, comfort and even life itself. Haha interesting experience.

And yea. =) sums up pretty much my trip, quite slipshod though, was gonna rush this as I felt shouldn't drag this anymore but heh ._. HAHA plenty more bahz.

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The Abscene or Inability
Sunday, December 19, 2010

Feeling kinda distraught again. Feel as though I'm being judged once again. Over a topic that has rewrite itself over and over again.

The way I connect with people. Or more correctly so, the way I CANT connect with people.

I do admit I have an issue with the way I cant connect well with people, and often residing in my own world of deep thoughts. For that which many people complain to me about and very much so for others who feel that I tend not to return much to them as a friend, in terms of talking to them and stuff.

I'd admit I see no value in small talk. It annoys me whenever someone ask me, "so what are you doing later? how's school?" and questions like that. I don't reject the importance of small talk, and I acknowledge that it serves as a foundational relationship builder. However, I see no importance in people asking me such questions, having do no good for me, nor me.

Maybe skip the issue on small talk. Connection perhaps. I know I have a problem with connecting with others, however simple or deep. People often raise that issue with me.

But the thing is, it's not me not doing it. It's me not knowing how to do it. Maybe people judge me seeing the surface me as someone sociable or ok, but they don't really know what's me struggling, and what's me appearing to fit the norm.

Most people are unaware of my past, just like how we hardly know a fragment of any others. Maybe that's why we assume, everyone's fine and there's no struggles. I know for myself, trying to connect with others is something I have no idea on how to, aside from relying and following study notes I have mentally jolt down from observing. But the point is, it isn't real.

I get tired of trying to fit society's standards. I acknowledge there is a certain balance to meet, but it comes to a point where, if I had to be all sociable and connect-ish, it'll require a whole lot of selflessness, to discard the way I am, in a bid to connect with the people if necessary. And then, I question how genuine that relationship is.

But no. A genuine relationship requires mutual give and take by which, my complete discarding of self to connect would only ironically nullify the realness of who the person I am.

And if ever the brought up the issue of me trying to fit the norm, right. I understand, but hey, c'mon. Be real. Who's gonna accept you if you're gonna be all "reclused and chimly individualised". The problem is, no one is. However, there is a balance as well, me accommodating people, and vice versa.

But once again. People tell me I should accommodate the necessity of small talk in building relationships, that I understand. But in my inability to do so, it comes to a point where I question myself, so all this talk about accommodation, in the very end, Who's accommodating who? Me being like them, or them being me?



What if I told everyone I am autistic. Will people be more understanding as to how I find it difficult to connect with people.

May not be accurate, but say if I was one with the inability to communicate to people, however, have learnt to cognitively communicate what's inside me to those around. It may not be a genuine emotional message, but it's what I've learnt. A bit like how they use images, I use scripts.

You know, in a certain way. I think. We're forcing to these autistic kids to fit into our ways of communication. Maybe that's why we get so frustrated every time they choose to do it another way.

After saying all these, I may not be autistic, but I do in my own ways struggle with certain inabilities. However, neither am I doing nothing about it. 2 years, and I have been working and practicing, what others had easily developed, and hopefully not assumingly taken for granted it doesn't happen to all.

But my point is, can people be less judging and more accepting? Can we see pass the absence and look at the struggles? Can we in our favour for accommodation, demonstrate it?

Don't just judge what people are or are not doing; Understand why.

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Battle of The Self - Pt2
Friday, December 17, 2010

Continuing from Part 1...

Figured that since there's nothing being done after so long, I must as well moved on and do something. I decided instead to help someone for once, after all everyone's waiting for someone. so hence my path to be that blessing for someone with everyday of my life. Similarly and concurrently for myself, I picked up my shattered pieces and carried on.

Doing the right thing always costs, it ask for one to lose himself, but in the life that one loses he gains it. Much of my most enjoyable moments of true happiness comes from seeing the blessing in others, rather than the short-lived euphoria from getting a selfish gain. Love is meant for giving, not keeping.

Well this path gets lonely at times, having few people to share this faith and journey and even lesser that would walk this path with me. Long gone are the times I waited passively for someone to help and rescue me. Though sometimes, it gets tiring walking alone. Been fighting on my own and working alone, learning to grow up, pushed forward by the knowing of what's right, even if it costs. It's been long since I last felt helped by any other. Often it's a lone journey of just picking myself up whenever I fall, brushing my wounds and walking on. I've slowly forgotten what it feels like to be loved and supported by another.

However, Im so ever grateful that now I am blessed to have a companion to walk by my side. Keeping watch of me, inspiring me with his very own path of righteousness. I thank God really. I need a friend, one who is true, to do what's right for me, pulling me back on track, reminding me of the righteousness that I have lived for. On my other side sits another companion, deep in thought, someone who plays a part in furthering my thoughts, challenging my values, yet an opposer to my faith. One that reminds me of my own, and for me to bring back. I've come to realized, that I no longer feel that loneliness I once felt throughout my life.

 This brings me to another chapter of my goals as well. All these would not have been possible without God's grace. I often boast of it as my doing, my works, my credit, but I fail to see how far, a failure I am in comparison to anyone. Being selfless just 1 choice more doesnt put me in any place closer to perfection than others. I can only take comfort in my own effort in whatever choices that I made of what's right. Out of my consciousness of my growing pride, saying all this doesnt put me any higher above anyone. I am fully beset with problems of my own, some as great as everyone.

However it is in my struggles, that I am reminded of the fragility and weaknesses of human, and with my faith and personal relationship with God in focus, I persevere on. Same for the times, that I've felt alone, I was only as alone as I made myself to be, never seeing that support that carried me through, the wings that picked me up, and the voice that whispered to my heart. A personal faith in Him, that fails to express itself in words, knowing that all that I do, will be for a greater purposes, even if it cost. for the rewards are far greater, and incomparable to the suffering we will deem worthwhile, for the intangible, valuable gifts that will be bestowed unto us.

Its not just a pursuit of good deeds, but a deeper desire to love people with a genuine love as demonstrated by God's love for me, as so does He for everyone else, a unconditional, undeserving love.

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The Battle of The Self - Pt1
Thursday, December 16, 2010

Was thinking about my standard for life. I think I have pretty strict ones, not that I fully comply with them. My high standards calls for selflessness in every act. And this measure goes down to every thought, feeling, action. Every single motive for every choice. Well sad to say of course, that I fail by far what I have taken on, but I have no intentions on stopping. It's an infinite pursuit for perfection, one that I will never achieve, but one that I know is right for me.

Selfishness will never satisfy. Whatever the reason. In selfishness, the only immediate recipient is the person himself, no matter how much we deceive ourselves in thinking it's the best for everybody. In truth, it's just the best for us. Be it if we get the most, or being comfy-est. In my theory, that's the problem of every problem in life. Selfishness. The antithesis to love. Selfishness seems pleasurable at first but it will always lurk there.

Say for the problem in feeling unappreciated, or lacking the recognition. It stems from a selfish desire to be known, for the existence of the self in another's life acknowledged. But for one only focused on receiving, an endless struggle of incompetency and feeling devalued by others will forever plague one. Until one overcomes the focus on the self, and does things out of a love for others, regardless of the returns, can one be able to break free from the problem.

Insecurities as well, the easier route in life, ironically, leading one to a constant attitude self-pitying and devalue from the people around. Whereas living in lies would be so much simpler, albeit non-beneficial, it always takes one to look pass himself to trust, and have faith in others, and one's existence. though it's pretty hard. The focus on securing one's comfort will be sieged by constant doubts.

And so, with my morals and philosophy in life, I cant help but be drawn to do what this calls in me. I find myself strongly drawn towards having to do the right thing, and it agonizes my flesh like a thorn. Doing the right things often is pretty darn hard. But heh, all amidst the constant whining and fussing, I'll say from my inner being that, this is just what's that needed to be done, whether I like it or not.

The attitude of doing what's right often ask one to take up selflessness. I believe that undeniably that one has the voice inside knowing what's right and what's wrong. and it goes beyond just how much we'd like it or not. Certainly these words are often not met with a positive response, understandably, it goes against the natural self. it' so much easier to hate someone than to love a person's who "difficult" to love.

Maybe to clarify, that act of selflessness doesn't enforce complete and total surrender to doing things for others outwardly. Part of being selfless ensures that one is in suitable maintained condition to continue perform in one's task. In a sense, there's isn't a point in starving oneself so as to feed the hungry, unless the situation really calls for it. There should at least be a minimal maintenance for oneself, including taking ample steps to take care, such as sleep, rest and food. This also includes opening an intake of love, support and sometimes allowing yourself to rest, emotionally and mentally. Neglect to oneself would be a selfish act. I would draw the line as what's necessary before moving on again. Dwelling in a place of comfort increases ones inertia and complacency.

Part 1 end.

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Fragment of love
Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Taking the faith in having this deep part of me healed, I'll bring myself into that place, where my inner demon will awake. A power growing stronger each day.

I sincerely hope that I'll just take what that I need, and nothing more. I don't want to fall into that path of selfish indulgence, and I want to uphold that strict moral standards I have set for my life. As best that I can, I'll hope that I will not go pass the line, if not, without straying too far.

Thank you so much for allowing me that place. If you really want the best for me, that please watch over me, and protect me from doing the wrong things. I know it'll be hard for you, but I hope you'll be able to see pass what I might become for what I lived for. What I held in truth, that would be ultimately good for me. Don't give in to my evil side, even if it seems good to do so.

And you, my bestie. You know my ways, you know my heart. I ask that you'll keep me on track with what I need to do. I might resist a bit, but for every inch I deviate off please shoot me down. Don't allow my selfish side to take over. Kill me if you have to. I'd rather die that to live selfishly. I entrust my life into your hands alright.

With this, I enter into that realm, of a past neglect, harbouring a long-time need, growing and manifesting as a hungry demon. With all I can, I'll do my best to hold it off, or if better, destroy it. And thus, I hope I'll be able to retrieve that lost fragment of my heart, and making it back in one piece.

The battle lies ahead, I'm afriad.

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