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Third Degree Surrender
Saturday, October 30, 2010

It's my 300th post, and it's gonna be one hefty one.

The third blast came today upon the revelation of instructors and partners. Was contented I was working together with Hanisah, but the changed of partners kinda left me worrying again. And so it did, got a partner, whom my dynamics might not work well with, just my current assumption since nothing has been done yet but yea. To clarify, it's not my partner's fault, its mine. As zx said, she's easy. The thing is, I'm not.

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Entered the room without much enthusiasm, didn't really wanna get myself all high only to be disappointed again. But kinda emo-ed even more after the instructor thing. Couldn't take it I just had to leave the room. My hi club dream had kinda shattered.

No longer is my stress towards not having a home, but more for the reason of the potential I see in the newer batch, how much things I can pass on to them, now that our time will soon be over. How much I can work on them, bond them together with the already so favourable conditions we have. How the juniors can be equipped with more skills to lead hiclub on. And along with the heart that they now possess, as that which is required to be kindled for the Basic A's.

Even more harder that I already formalized my plans for Basic B knowing I would be there, ignite my passion for it, only for everything to become naught, to be placed back in Basic A, where my heart no longer resides. I hope I can overcome it soon, because it isn't gonna do justice to my partner and my class.

Agony.

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Going back into the same situation during pre-main comm. Preparing to regress into my own created world, with my own mission, and stuff. I hate it when the ties that bind cuts like shit. Starting up my own performance projects in hope that I can engage the juniors, as well as for us to be able to express song signing in the sense of music, without relying on an event. I prompted this project 6 months ago without much feasibility. This time, I'm gonna start it on my own, with the help of a selected few friends, and I hope, it'll be something with impact.

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Next, I think it's pretty nice knowing and seeing the concern of the people around. Quite emoish since the hol's. Beginning with just recuperation from the constant camps, greatly affected by Basic A/B thing. It was then when my spirits immediately dropped. Kept quiet mostly and just being to myself. I think it's really nice that many ppl around noticed somehow, maybe it was super obvious, lol, kinda failed in hiding it xD But even people I least expected it from expressed awareness of my low spirits. Thanks for all the concern and for looking out for me ._. appreciate it

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The 3rd blow was the ultimatum tough. Couldn't take it anymore. Either I could sit there do nothing, like completely nothing because it just feels so worthless for anything else to be done, or I had to do random acts to keep my mind off it. Couldn't even bring myself to talk to my partner because I didn't want to feel like a complete hypocrite trying to act nice and friendly when I wasnt that way.

After meeting, I was shifting between emo, hostility and pure randomness as coping mechanism. Hostile from the point that I just felt so frustrated I wanted to scream and bang things and just do some stuff to vent it all out. but yea, masked it under "jokish buay song-ness". And then pure randomness out to distract my mind away from it. And to the emo parts when walking to marketplace for dinner, there were so many times I just felt like stopping, and not going anywhere and doing anything. But I moved on either way, didn't really want to affect the friends, or at least not to affect even more. But sorry for emoing so much or in such obvious manners, I really cant hold it back, cos it hurts like crazily deep, it feels like my heart is being crushed.

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Sometimes I look back and wonder why my hiclub life has to be so unfavourable. Again I asked myself if it was just me or that the grass always is greener on the other side. Logically comparing, I never really had the better side of things. In Basic A, I was the only one on my own in class. Couldn't make it for instructor the next sem, and Basic B class had Timothy but otherwise with classmates who wasn't really enthu or anything, overriding my choice of song that none in the end really wanted to perform. Intermediate left me alone once again with all my friends and comfort in classes on a different day, further strained by the separate isolated venue from all other classes on the same day, couldn't even see them if I wanted to. Class itself wasn't as ideal as I wished it would be. Now I'm in my fourth sem, unable to attend Alumni, my passion for Basic B and the future generation left redundant, dynamics clash with partner, needing to give up all the plans I have for the juniors, and with my instructor group once again being less that what I wanted, seeing all the people I enjoyed on the other side, especially the juniors I was looking towards. Mostly on the other side, the greener patch. Suck sometimes.

Learning to enjoy and make do with my own patch of grass =l Think it sucks a lot though, as in often having the "not as nice" part. As I struggled with the previous sem, I think it'll be even greater this sem, with me constantly looking across the fence, seeing their faces, seeing their fun. It's hard, but I'm gonna need to learn.

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While this part is my notes to the people.

To Tim, I wonder sometimes if you do know why I'm emoing. Can't really bring myself to tell you, in a sense cos you were partially the cause of it. HAHA, not intentionally I supposed but part of your reply made me feel it didn't concern you, and I guess that I shouldn't be loading this burden on you, you've got your own things to solve too ._. Didn't wanna tell you also cos I don't wan you feeling guilty if you knew my major emo was cause of your decisions. Kinda weird with you trying to show concern when you are the trigger of my emoness. Hais owells.

And then to ZX.

Lol at you catching all my emo moments. Thanks for understanding and trying your best to pacify me as well. I think, really also, to thank you for your selflessness in being willing to give up your things to give me a better moment, really appreciate it. But I feel that these are just moments in life, I have to deal with and learn from. I can't be always getting my way right, sometimes, life also requires you to give up what you desire for a better purpose unseen at the present moment. Such is the life of mine, the requirement to give up one's rights and desires for the work of God's plan. Sucks, but I'll be over with it in time. Survived till now haven't I. I'm invincible ^^ Thanks for being so awesome though

And thirdly, to you huiqi, nah, not that I affected you much, but no matter what there's always that ripple effect on whatever I do that will affect others. Not important. But I think would be more of, me saying it a secret in the sms when you asked. I wanted you to well, know a bit on the feelings with having to deal with all these secrets. Doesn't really do much I know since you're pretty hard and I'm dang soft too. You know, to be honest, each time you ask something about me, I always think twice about saying it, because the first thing that comes to my mind is why should I, when often, answers are being kept from me. In terms of equity, we're way off balance, you having the privilege to my blog which more or less spills everything, and in me answering most things but yet little in reciprocity. Of course in the end I still do tell, though really, there are times I feel like not telling you out of revenge but it doesn't do any good does it?

Hais. I don't know about you, but often, it frustrates the shit out of me, when one simple convo results in three, "cant tell me"s. Struggled with this issue with Timothy, and then now I'm having to deal it with you over again, with a greater extent. I know I shouldn't be focusing on the equity but I think there's a limit to how much a friendship can extend without genuineness. Not that I wan force you reveal everything but aiyo ._. considering what you know of me and I of you, the scale is tilted very much to one side ._. But ah whatever shit it is luh, I'll just try my best to do what I can, learn what there is, and well, for things to happen. I can barely keep up to your emoish moments let alone manage my own feelings towards the rest of it. Hais, give me some chance bah ._. loosen a bit can. I know I'm quite a sucker much at dealing with you,but urgghh, I dunno what to do liao. It's the freaking urge to drop, yet I cant do it. Am I just being stupid or what.


Thanks to all the rest out there as well, for noticing me, even thinking about me, and having the patience to cope with my "pms-like" emoing style. I hope I'll get better, probably will. I'm stronger than all these shit, it just hurts. For awhile.

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So I will be strong. Won't let this pain beat me down. Just the grieving moment of pain of letting go and trusting in God's better plan in stored. I will be well, cos...
I'm invincible.

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