#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...
Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.
I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.
Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.
I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.
I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.
Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.
Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.
"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."
Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.
Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.
But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.
I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.
I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.
Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.
Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Spent my days out rewatching an old anime, Toradora. Pretty cute show but filled with deep concepts throughout. Watching it again made me I could understand more of the hidden storyline between the characters. Guess I have quite a few learning points I could take back from it too though. Shall let it linger on my mind a few days more.
Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.
Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.
Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.
But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.
I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.
I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.
I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
I've come to face it, I'm ashamed of confessing my faith to God in front of others. I tell myself, the reason why I divide my thoughts between humanistic and theological is so that when I talk to people who don't believe in God, I won't be imposing my injecting the "god" stuff.
But today, in front of God, I'm ashamed at myself for being ashamed of being known with Him. It's like how Peter denied Christ 3 times, I told God, that "I am afraid of judgment from others, being ostracized as a 'holy guy'."
And amazingly I got a reply.
"I want you to be that 'holy guy'. You will be mocked and you will laughed at. But one thing for sure, you will be known, and that's when you become the light."
And that I choose to be.
32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
Was thinking of what kind of person I am. I tend not to look at positive things I have done, if any (get what I mean?) So I thought why not give myself a chance.
Recently spent $80 with my free vouchers. Got treats for my family, a tub of ice cream and can of clams each, instant mee for my bro, and chocs for friends. It's was on my way home that I realized out of that much spent, I only used $6 for myself, (one tin of delicious clams, which I so quickly devoured).
So what kind of person am I? Was I selfless when I got everyone stuff and not for myself?
Been meeting up with various people too, people whom have made a significant part of my life. I don't think about others all the time, but yet I'd want to meet them at least once before I enter army. I know it's not like my life ends there, but a part of me fears that in this new season of my life, I won't be walking down the same path with some people.
Does this show I cherish and value them? That I do in some little way, love these friends around me?
I think others might laugh at me if I told them I didn't think I was someone good. Each time someone tells me something good about me, I make great efforts to contain myself. Inside, I'm all bubbling and crazily happy, wishing to hear it over and over again, but that would be plain silly wouldn't it? xD I know I'll constantly remind myself not to keep asking/talking about it. Haha.
Oh wells, I know I have a negative view of my self. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be bias towards myself and learn to see the good that I really am. But I dunno, maybe it keeps me more humble this way.
Woke up at 6pm. Crazy but I guess that was a good thing. Every minute awake, my mind was overly-saturated with thoughts, worries, mistakes, hurts, and everything stupid. Even had a migraine just by that.
I don't know what to do or think now. One half of me feels sorry, the other smirks with glee. It's this war waging everyday inside me, battling for reins over my life. Every action I take has a consequences I rather not face.
I keep trying to avoid the reality of the situation, to avoid recognizing the gravity of my misgivings. Yet even when I know full well, I'm too afraid to hurt, to afraid to do what's needed. Somehow, I wish when my eyes close everything will be alright.
"How could you play with love."
God please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore.
While listening to covers of old songs, a wave of nostalgia hit me and suddenly I remembered the journal. When back to re-read to see what I was like back then. Could help but chuckle at myself. I really loved how I expressed my feelings and thoughts there. Simple, straightforward and kinda silly.
It's cute really, reading the entries, marking down the little things that made me smile, laugh, like being all excited/nervous when you talked to me. How I waited each night to talk to you, ready to put a smile on your face with the jokes I thought through the day. I must have worked really hard then, learning and trying all kinds of ways to strike up and maintain a conversation. Boy was I poor at social skills. And yes, my secret; exposed on numerous occasions yet I never having confront it myself. Felt contented with you around. And then came depression and separation, where my heart hurt a lil, of which I came out stronger, learning to let go of my affections and loving wholly.
It was beautiful, it was sweet, and I'm happy for such a memory.
Looking back, I've begin to see the locks I have placed on my heart along the way. No wonder it feels heavier. Hiding behind these glass walls, I've never truly allowed someone in my life for a long time. I really need to learn to open myself up to people around me, embrace life.
Here's a song to finish up that special feeling of nostalgia.
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them... the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone pray for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other?"
Back from camp! So thankful to have this opportunity to help out in this camp. Got to work with a new profile, primary school kids with dysfunctional family background.
Really had lots of fun moments, especially through the play, to think and feel like a kid again. That simplicity in fun we all forgot while growing up. All the crazy water fights, the silly things and bad decisions we make, the innocence, everything that made childhood so precious.
Our late nights outdoor cooking while the percussion rolls away their rhythmic beats kinda made me wonder how we all so easily live our lives been completely oblivious to ripples of our action to the presence of others around us. It is a simple practice session after all, yet at a late 2 hours before midnight where kids are already in bed, it did come sorta as a nuisance.
Another special thing there was the staff there. They inspired me with their passion, their sincerity, their care for everyone of these kids that many would deem hard to love. I really being around such people, it's rejuvenating when being in a field like that.
And since I'm not allowed to take pictures of the kids, I'll end with this really meaningful poster I saw.
Recently, whenever I board a double decker bus, I've take the top front seats whenever possible. Reminds me of my days as a kid, The front two seats were the best parts of the bus, period. Being just behind the screen, you could watch everything happening on the road. Those colourful cars, the pedestrians, the unobstructed view of scenery and landscape.
Growing up, I guess, made everyone a little more self conscious. We begin to think about how others might view us, as though our every action and words were scrutinized. As life progressed, we begin moving towards the back seats. We knew we would be safe, being able to watch others instead of being watched. Getting the very last row then became the best seats. We could do anything we wanted and no one would see, on the contrary, we could observe others and their behaviours. Maybe it gave us a sense of control, not. Our life being governed by fear itself.
As I make the random decision to take the front row seats again, I realize how I've missed the beauty around. No longer was there people or movement to distract me, neither having to busy my mind with futile worries of those behind. With so much less cumbersome thoughts, my eyes were more opened to true beauty around, with a heart of appreciation for it.
If life was a bus ride, where would you be seating?
I feel like running away, leaving everything behind for good.
I'm tired of being strong and keeping myself together. I wish I could be the one who's taken care of instead. I'd really like to be. But then I ask myself, "Why must everything be about me?" and I tell myself to keep it together for just bit more.
I'm reaching a bursting point in my life. Again and again, I feel the urge to be the complete screwed up mess and let loose. I'm so tired of fighting the monster within, suppressing it. A part of me cares, another part of me fears. Spotting the frequent outbursts to the people around, it only feels right if I keep myself away from others. I don't want to hurt or affect others. The other half that fears, I don't know what to do with it. I really desire to just be me, allow the other half of me to live. Flawed, crazy, messed up, immatured, aggressive. But will anyone stay?
I hate myself really, the person that I am. Whatever I do, it still traces back to that mess inside. No matter what I do, where I go, whoever I meet, I still am that selfish person. I want to escape this, run away from the whole mess that I am. So I don't have to suffer, and neither does anyone have to in my place.
What if, just what if, I stopped trying and let things be, how would life be?
It's like life became void of time. While the seconds tick away, my soul lingers in an ethereal space. I'm trying to find my way out, but the emptiness sucks me right back. Everyday I run from the loneliness by entering a state 'brainlessness'. So much I can do, and should do, yet never, remaining hooked on the numbing escape.
Anyway, this is meant to be a reflective entry. Been doing a lot of questioning, challenging my motives, my values, my goals. I think I'm way more selfish than I really am, or that maybe I do things merely to get good reports. I mean a person's true character is what's on the inside right, and when I look in I see someone who cares for himself more than others, someone self-centered and egoistic. Sacrifices made are ultimately to my benefit. When in times of other's need, I'm not fully, or sincerely there. And then I also do seemingly good things for self-glorification.
I wonder to myself, do I have love in me? Do I truly love anyone? Who exactly am am I doing this for? What kind of person am I really...?
Perfect is imperfect because imperfect is perfect.
The concept of perfection is ideal but flawed. It only takes one failure to ruin a perfect streak, and it will never have to chance to restore it's perfection. Yet, if we learn to turn away from these lofty expectations, truly embrace and allow the weaknesses and flaws of humanity, learn from it, do we gain the experience and insight to become better people.
Honestly, I want to do it. It plays on my mind everyday, wishing to be bale to. And I hate myself for saying no. But...
I've made enough mistakes and done enough harm.
For a moment of selfgratification now will only lead to greater regrets in the future. And if I was truly sorry, and if I truly care, I shouldn't indulge myself in this. As much as it hurts now, better a small hurt now than a big hurt in the future.
I made the better choice, it wasn't easy. It's a painful sacrifice for a better future for us. Maybe you won't see it now, but I hope in time you'll understand.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...
Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.
I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.
Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.
I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.
I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.
Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.
Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.
"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."
Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.
Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.
But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.
I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.
I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.
Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.
Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Spent my days out rewatching an old anime, Toradora. Pretty cute show but filled with deep concepts throughout. Watching it again made me I could understand more of the hidden storyline between the characters. Guess I have quite a few learning points I could take back from it too though. Shall let it linger on my mind a few days more.
Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.
Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.
Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.
But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.
I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.
I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.
I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
I've come to face it, I'm ashamed of confessing my faith to God in front of others. I tell myself, the reason why I divide my thoughts between humanistic and theological is so that when I talk to people who don't believe in God, I won't be imposing my injecting the "god" stuff.
But today, in front of God, I'm ashamed at myself for being ashamed of being known with Him. It's like how Peter denied Christ 3 times, I told God, that "I am afraid of judgment from others, being ostracized as a 'holy guy'."
And amazingly I got a reply.
"I want you to be that 'holy guy'. You will be mocked and you will laughed at. But one thing for sure, you will be known, and that's when you become the light."
And that I choose to be.
32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
Was thinking of what kind of person I am. I tend not to look at positive things I have done, if any (get what I mean?) So I thought why not give myself a chance.
Recently spent $80 with my free vouchers. Got treats for my family, a tub of ice cream and can of clams each, instant mee for my bro, and chocs for friends. It's was on my way home that I realized out of that much spent, I only used $6 for myself, (one tin of delicious clams, which I so quickly devoured).
So what kind of person am I? Was I selfless when I got everyone stuff and not for myself?
Been meeting up with various people too, people whom have made a significant part of my life. I don't think about others all the time, but yet I'd want to meet them at least once before I enter army. I know it's not like my life ends there, but a part of me fears that in this new season of my life, I won't be walking down the same path with some people.
Does this show I cherish and value them? That I do in some little way, love these friends around me?
I think others might laugh at me if I told them I didn't think I was someone good. Each time someone tells me something good about me, I make great efforts to contain myself. Inside, I'm all bubbling and crazily happy, wishing to hear it over and over again, but that would be plain silly wouldn't it? xD I know I'll constantly remind myself not to keep asking/talking about it. Haha.
Oh wells, I know I have a negative view of my self. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be bias towards myself and learn to see the good that I really am. But I dunno, maybe it keeps me more humble this way.
Woke up at 6pm. Crazy but I guess that was a good thing. Every minute awake, my mind was overly-saturated with thoughts, worries, mistakes, hurts, and everything stupid. Even had a migraine just by that.
I don't know what to do or think now. One half of me feels sorry, the other smirks with glee. It's this war waging everyday inside me, battling for reins over my life. Every action I take has a consequences I rather not face.
I keep trying to avoid the reality of the situation, to avoid recognizing the gravity of my misgivings. Yet even when I know full well, I'm too afraid to hurt, to afraid to do what's needed. Somehow, I wish when my eyes close everything will be alright.
"How could you play with love."
God please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore.
While listening to covers of old songs, a wave of nostalgia hit me and suddenly I remembered the journal. When back to re-read to see what I was like back then. Could help but chuckle at myself. I really loved how I expressed my feelings and thoughts there. Simple, straightforward and kinda silly.
It's cute really, reading the entries, marking down the little things that made me smile, laugh, like being all excited/nervous when you talked to me. How I waited each night to talk to you, ready to put a smile on your face with the jokes I thought through the day. I must have worked really hard then, learning and trying all kinds of ways to strike up and maintain a conversation. Boy was I poor at social skills. And yes, my secret; exposed on numerous occasions yet I never having confront it myself. Felt contented with you around. And then came depression and separation, where my heart hurt a lil, of which I came out stronger, learning to let go of my affections and loving wholly.
It was beautiful, it was sweet, and I'm happy for such a memory.
Looking back, I've begin to see the locks I have placed on my heart along the way. No wonder it feels heavier. Hiding behind these glass walls, I've never truly allowed someone in my life for a long time. I really need to learn to open myself up to people around me, embrace life.
Here's a song to finish up that special feeling of nostalgia.
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them... the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone pray for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other?"
Back from camp! So thankful to have this opportunity to help out in this camp. Got to work with a new profile, primary school kids with dysfunctional family background.
Really had lots of fun moments, especially through the play, to think and feel like a kid again. That simplicity in fun we all forgot while growing up. All the crazy water fights, the silly things and bad decisions we make, the innocence, everything that made childhood so precious.
Our late nights outdoor cooking while the percussion rolls away their rhythmic beats kinda made me wonder how we all so easily live our lives been completely oblivious to ripples of our action to the presence of others around us. It is a simple practice session after all, yet at a late 2 hours before midnight where kids are already in bed, it did come sorta as a nuisance.
Another special thing there was the staff there. They inspired me with their passion, their sincerity, their care for everyone of these kids that many would deem hard to love. I really being around such people, it's rejuvenating when being in a field like that.
And since I'm not allowed to take pictures of the kids, I'll end with this really meaningful poster I saw.
Recently, whenever I board a double decker bus, I've take the top front seats whenever possible. Reminds me of my days as a kid, The front two seats were the best parts of the bus, period. Being just behind the screen, you could watch everything happening on the road. Those colourful cars, the pedestrians, the unobstructed view of scenery and landscape.
Growing up, I guess, made everyone a little more self conscious. We begin to think about how others might view us, as though our every action and words were scrutinized. As life progressed, we begin moving towards the back seats. We knew we would be safe, being able to watch others instead of being watched. Getting the very last row then became the best seats. We could do anything we wanted and no one would see, on the contrary, we could observe others and their behaviours. Maybe it gave us a sense of control, not. Our life being governed by fear itself.
As I make the random decision to take the front row seats again, I realize how I've missed the beauty around. No longer was there people or movement to distract me, neither having to busy my mind with futile worries of those behind. With so much less cumbersome thoughts, my eyes were more opened to true beauty around, with a heart of appreciation for it.
If life was a bus ride, where would you be seating?
I feel like running away, leaving everything behind for good.
I'm tired of being strong and keeping myself together. I wish I could be the one who's taken care of instead. I'd really like to be. But then I ask myself, "Why must everything be about me?" and I tell myself to keep it together for just bit more.
I'm reaching a bursting point in my life. Again and again, I feel the urge to be the complete screwed up mess and let loose. I'm so tired of fighting the monster within, suppressing it. A part of me cares, another part of me fears. Spotting the frequent outbursts to the people around, it only feels right if I keep myself away from others. I don't want to hurt or affect others. The other half that fears, I don't know what to do with it. I really desire to just be me, allow the other half of me to live. Flawed, crazy, messed up, immatured, aggressive. But will anyone stay?
I hate myself really, the person that I am. Whatever I do, it still traces back to that mess inside. No matter what I do, where I go, whoever I meet, I still am that selfish person. I want to escape this, run away from the whole mess that I am. So I don't have to suffer, and neither does anyone have to in my place.
What if, just what if, I stopped trying and let things be, how would life be?
It's like life became void of time. While the seconds tick away, my soul lingers in an ethereal space. I'm trying to find my way out, but the emptiness sucks me right back. Everyday I run from the loneliness by entering a state 'brainlessness'. So much I can do, and should do, yet never, remaining hooked on the numbing escape.
Anyway, this is meant to be a reflective entry. Been doing a lot of questioning, challenging my motives, my values, my goals. I think I'm way more selfish than I really am, or that maybe I do things merely to get good reports. I mean a person's true character is what's on the inside right, and when I look in I see someone who cares for himself more than others, someone self-centered and egoistic. Sacrifices made are ultimately to my benefit. When in times of other's need, I'm not fully, or sincerely there. And then I also do seemingly good things for self-glorification.
I wonder to myself, do I have love in me? Do I truly love anyone? Who exactly am am I doing this for? What kind of person am I really...?
Perfect is imperfect because imperfect is perfect.
The concept of perfection is ideal but flawed. It only takes one failure to ruin a perfect streak, and it will never have to chance to restore it's perfection. Yet, if we learn to turn away from these lofty expectations, truly embrace and allow the weaknesses and flaws of humanity, learn from it, do we gain the experience and insight to become better people.
Honestly, I want to do it. It plays on my mind everyday, wishing to be bale to. And I hate myself for saying no. But...
I've made enough mistakes and done enough harm.
For a moment of selfgratification now will only lead to greater regrets in the future. And if I was truly sorry, and if I truly care, I shouldn't indulge myself in this. As much as it hurts now, better a small hurt now than a big hurt in the future.
I made the better choice, it wasn't easy. It's a painful sacrifice for a better future for us. Maybe you won't see it now, but I hope in time you'll understand.
Darren Nico Pillai