Looking back this week, it has being a very good and meaningful week for me. I definitely with full assurance that feel I have become different. Seeing the interesting things that have happened. It's amazing how YEP's impacts on me has revolutionized my thinking and my way of life in such a unforeseen way, but heh, that's how God works. :)
BUT.
First day of school, compared the the last week, today was a failure. Went overboard again, said things I shudnt hav said urgh. Hope tomorrow things wont go out of hand.
And haha, Lifespan class was fun. and we had to share a bit on our lives. Was an enjoyable time of LOL. And I lied .___. And someone prolly knows I lied. lol.
Just couldnt help it. Kinda something I didnt really wished to be make known, especially in the case of general sincerity yea, hahax, perhaps reserve it til the time is right for sharing it :]
Hi club was lol-ish. The bunch of pangseh-ers finally came and so the instructors we taught them 3 classes and the song so I hopped over to the next class and signed their song together which was fun. lol. xD
And it's began to eat into me again. Scars. Really does ruins things dun they. Cos my heart hurts whenever I feel you.
Today was owells O.O Had to decided between my fren’s 21st birthday picnic or go find a fren that wants to meet me. I dunno if its was the right choice but, I didn’t attend the party, Was kinda met with lotsa difficulties. But heh, owells, maybe something good might come out of it.
Hours later… I’m just sitting in the park by myself, listening a song on repeat and reading up old chat logs. Cause I have no being here. Wondered if I made the right choice. Especially after all the trouble, and it going unnoticed, because it wasn’t even necessary (to them) in the first place. That’s quite what life is about anyway. Some time out to myself then. Without the internet.
Back to the chat logs.
Those were the good times. The memories, so vivid and clear, like as though I was living in it. All the laughter, the joy, the jokes, the four of us. I just kept reading, totally immersed and absorbed. Got so drawn in, for that 10 minutes, it felt like I went back to the past.
Until when I woke up from random sounds that I wondered “What am I doing here?” and then to realize that those were only memories.
Well certainly, things have changed, people progressed but well, life is an ongoing season. People come, people go. Relationships make and break. Just gotta be the best of what I can and who I am.
Owells I guess I will be heading home now.
Failure is never the end Never. The only true failure is if one dies without learning from it. Because after every failure, no matter the time, comes a point of resolute. And then, one grows.
And that my friend, is when you will become stronger. I know you will.
Essay and proposal is over. and I ought to be happy. yet in the midst of these cheerful moments. every now and then, a wave of melancholy hits me. maybe something's still not right. but just got a few days left, before the chaos starts again. I kinda need a break, I think. but ha, at least good things are happening. listened to the uncle at the western shop talk, and relationships are getting better and mostly, I'm part of something positive. yea. =]
hope you keep smiling too yea? ^^
Oh wells, here's a smile
Random Smiles
Socpsy lesson
J.Y: So what are the ways that the Aids virus transmit Some ppl: Sexually or through blood contact. J.Y: Good, any more? MH: Ya cher, 3 litres of saliva J.Y: Haha, er ok. But its quite scary yea? You compare 3 litres and 1 drop of blood. MH: Blood is thicker than water.
For He'll wipe away those tears and pinch your cheeks
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Today was an awesome day. Yes, it was full of smiles and sorts, but I think more importantly, it's a day where I became the one I wanted to be for which I wanna thank God =)
I did, to much of my fuller extend, with His grace, know that others were blessed today.
Laptops, words, time, sleep. Haha, its great seeing blessings take place and yea. May He touch more lives thru me :)
Cos that prayer I said for you, is His thoughts for you ^^
Cos He'll wipe away those tears and pinch your cheeks so you'll hav a big smile on your face. Believe. For He will, and He did.
Chiong chiong chiong. This is the 1st week of endless chionging for work. So much for “poly life very slack” RAWR. But it seems that its NP that’s horribly stressed up?
Haha, weather ‘s been so darn cold so I digged my cupboards for an old long sleeve shirt that I havnt worn in years. Nice, but got funny feedback about it. One abt it being very holey, (I counted at least 8) another saying it made me look bigger (less skinny). And lol one jus said I look funny ._.
Another way, roughly a week after cutting my nail cos of the curb, now I smash my other toe on the stairs =,=
And bleh, gonna hav a few sleepless nites thanks to too much work. I think I cant make it for gym these few days le :l
Random smiles
OB cher: Do you make decisions based on intuition? Me: Er ya sometimes. OB cher: Can you give us an example? Me: Er… No? *classmates laugh* Me: I cant remember.
A young boy, 11 years of age - stood beside a posh red sports car, deeply admiring it as any young boy would. The owner of the car slowly crept up behind him, when within reach, lunged forward and grabbed the young kid by the shoulders .
Man: Aha! Gotcha, what are you up to?
Boy: Nothing sir, I was just admiring your car. I really like it.
Man: Yeap, it's a nice car.
Boy: You must be rich huh?
Man: No.
Boy: Did you buy this car?
Man: No. I didn't
Boy: Did you steal it?
Man: No, of course not.
Boy: How did you get it then?
Man: You see, my brother is rich, and he bought it for me.
The young boy's eyes lit up,
Boy: Wow, I wish...
Man: I know what you're gonna say, you're gonna say you wish you had a brother to buy you one too right?
The boy smiled innocently and shook his head,
Boy: No sir, I wish I could be a brother like that.
Just like I've reflected the past week, maybe instead of wanting that something, why not be that something for others?
Hms Ambass was lol.soso. nuthin hard. nuthin much.
Free CCA points I guess. Had fun though. and the puppet performance was absolutely awesome and entertaning. Salutes to the ECH peeps.
Whooo, essay. i have all my stuff planeed out but I just had get them together. Neither do I know how to write them all. Oh, and I learnt how to use the library lol. xD Thanks~
And loook
Wheee so many books lol.
Counseled again. .__. hope things get better on Monday. and lastly. This is dedicated to you.
haha, being psychology student I randomly came up with my own hypothesis;
Hypothesis 1:
I think all psychologists in time will suffer from eye problems due to their required effort to do way too much research and literature reviews on other academic articles which are written in a poorly designed format that is extremely taxing to one's mind and eyes, causing undue psychological and physiological stress.
Hypothesis 2:
Majority of the content written in these articles are unnecessary and purely purposed to achieve word quota or otherwise meant to hinder other researchers from simply quoting and picking out points from their years of research and studies.
My fellow course mates in pursuit of psychological studies, your views if I may ask?
Because most of the essence of the meanings are captured in those words, and that the best of it comes just at that instant, I kinda posted most of the copied transcript.
My friend told me: *i felt tt u changed more than when u said u wanted to regress
I think I quite agree with that: *ha *dam *i think so too *how u feel anyway *u also no see me *dam i hope i not going down wrong path *oh and *then i thot *why stay the same *wat do we get out of life *when life is a ever moving thing, and for us to stay on one spot *I decided to move *for better or for worse *its gonna be a learning experience at least *its for ppl like me that im thinking like this *this new change is sparked off when my fren told me no one's gonna wait for me, that's the world too fast-paced *and of cos haha, from my church sermon on sunday =P *to hav the heart for ppl
And then she said: *i hope u will like the new u
My answer to all you out there: *heh i hope *sometimes i also dunno ba *im in a way suddenly drawn in to the thot that if ppl dun accept you *then suan le ba *im good living alone anyway *and besides *if the world doesnt hav time for those who needs it *I wanna make time for those who need it *if the world doesnt hav time to care *i wanna make time to care *if the world doesnt have time to listen *I wanna be that listening ear *tho of cos i kinda need to learn how to do all of that *but its kinda all from, since no one has time for the 'needy' and ppl like me. *Why wallow in the mud waiting incessantly for something that might not come. *Why not be that something, be that someone. *go out there and touch one life at a time. *stop living so that people will like me *and start living to like people
Haha, completed 2 elearning stuff today, and i kinda realized how rushed for time we are. Met up with DiD for IP and haha, I wore a shirt. O.o Haven't worn one for ages. doesnt look too bad I think :P
Nonetheless, I think my group's got [one of] the best IP organization, cos...
firstly, its in school, saves all the trouble of travelling. Secondly, the people involved are from NP, both lecturers and seniors, I think thats awfully cool cos firstly they'll do their best to help you and you arent treated like some passerby that's kinda wasting their time kind of stuff. :D thirdly, its just cos DiD rawks. fourth, we have Juliet as our advisor, best maaaan. She's super helpful i tell ya, unlike some male advisor.
AND OMG, I FEEL DAM CHEATED. $29 for my stooopid OB textbook and heh, doesnt even got the stuff I need to write for my essay. Then came the thought of borrowing from my seniors but HEH I ALREADY BOUGHT THE DARN BOOK.
:/ still kinda troubled over some stuff though. Cmoooon you lousy beating heart, time to buck up!
Surfing the net til I randomly came over a bunch of these 'emo' pics or something and I thought...
ok truthfully, things were quite good. Though I didnt exactly changed too much? .__. Kinda slipped of my mind.
But, heh, glad certain things happen and you know, maybe stop living for myself so much. The day was pretty epic, walked around Cold Storage to waste time with frens to wait for the Mcvalue lunch.
After lunch was... pretty nuts. Me and Tim were endlessly signing songs. Endlessly. And dam meh stinking poops. I nv do anything work :s
Hi! Club was... owells. We fialed to change the song, and omg la, Yve and gang changed to another class and... chose our song O.o hahax. Yea, so now we're gonna just stick to No Air, as much as yucky it is, we're gonna do our best ;)
I decided its time to move on. The world was selfish, I too, have been self-centered True, emoing doesnt help, but ironically, lying does. I aint gonna care what happened, what I've become, and what you're gonna do. I'm gonna go back to what a friend calls, "regression" But I'm gonna get a little progression.
Take it as a fair game. I regress for you. I progress for me.
I'm gonna try be where I used to, for you people. I'm gonna try be something else too, for me. It aint about trying to be something, but what you, and I want me to be
Gonna try something that ought to fix this all, it's gonna hurt, but with lesser parties are involved. Cruel, but necessary.
So I'm sorry for my offensive attitude, And I'm sorry for the hurts. Esp you I hope all will be able to accept me, (and if you dun, I aint giving a damn =,=) On the contrary, do drop a note of any of my misdemeanors Do alert me too, or not I wont catch it.
Oh, and many thanks to a certain few people that stood by me during this time, cudnt have done it without ya support, especially youfor always being by my side and youfor those words of encouragement Oh and you, "new friend", for understanding me ^^
Yea, so this ends 33 days of emoing .__. (break record sei) not gonna delete those previous posts, cos they serve for good memories and learning points
after all this... owells if things dun go well. but in the end, I still do love you. =)
I suddenly come to realize that this whole talk from you all that I'll be accepted for who I am is BULLSHIT
You bombard me with endless talk telling me, "Oh its important to be who you are. Real frens will accept you"
Oh really? and so when I become who I am, people frown. Really, what happened to all your talk.
Time and time again. I refused to believe you Because when I did I only got contempt in return.
And so I hid that part of me, keeping it from all your eyes so that you would like me and you do.
Then you tell me, you don't know me you tell me to open up you tell me to open my deeply scarred heart
Time and time again. I refused to believe you Others told me they wouldn't mind in the end they did.
When I finally opened up, trusting that you were special that you wudnt hurt me like the rest But you did.
But I loved you, I wanted you. and so I closed the world inside me to be that person you want.
Time and time again. the world tells me, "Be yourself" but all I see are lies And you told me, "Trust me"
Do you see how that dam f***ing cycle that plays around with my already hurting heart with all your f***ing lies goes?
Stop telling me all this if you f***ing dun mean it. Talk is cheap.
And stop telling me I'm so 'unknown' when all the things you f***ing wanna know and accept are the 'good' things.
Because to you, I'm just a friend. To me, you're more than a friend. And when you abuse my trust like that, you just think its me being emo, without you knowing the things I've been through.
To some of you out there. This is the f***king reason why I do not believe in real friends. You may have them. I dont.
And don't f***king tell me I should be me, because when I do, you are the very one that turns away.
Oh ,if you think you do, think again. Hard.
All this simply because, I don't believe in fairytales.
Edit: On a much lighter and calmer note, I just wanted to tell you, when you tell someone you'll accept him/her for who they are, mean it. Because if you cant do it, then dun say it. Really. And those who think they can, think hard. Because in reality, most of you don't, and cant do it.
Coz life isn't just a joke and toying with people's heart ain't right.
I just found out that I, have changed for the worse. And I thought I was doing it right. For something great, I lost something good.
I fear their rejection, Open up, others told me. I did, and they walked away. Or maybe. I walked away.
Maybe in my life, I'm not destined to have it. Maybe those 2 weeks, were just a passing cloud, a shooting star, fulfilling my deepest desires, and that it was just a dream.
Its time I stop living in that dream. People are leaving. Others are coming. Who should I hold on to?
But I hanker after that dream, cause I dont want to believe its over. because I really want that feel. But its reality and there ain't such a thing.
It was something I searched for throughout my life and then discarded, thinking it would never meant to be Til I found them, I believed again.
I was revived. the boy within me and people accepted me they loved me
Holding on to this dream, I searched on, in my home, for someone to pat my head, for someone to love me more.
Nico I became, to signify being me to tell the world, I believed that I put aside my perceptions, and believed
Believed that I would be accepted The one inside me. But even revealing that little bit frowns, their smiles became.
My friend told me, "Darren belongs to us, Nico belongs to them" I don't really have a choice, do I?
I opened up to you, thinking is was the right thing to do that you will give me the same. turns out, dreams will always be dreams.
Today. I know, and I realized. After this day, the doors of my heart shall be closed. I'll try my best to be who I am again.
I guess, being me, can be disgusting. I'll be who you want me to be Just dont go.
Because between a world I want and enjoy and the family I have, though not as good as that out there I'm choosing you.
So I'm gonna tell Nico to go even though I wished him to stay back to the dark pits of my heart never to be seen again.
Goodbyes to you, for it was nice seeing you, after so many years I got to held your hand again.
And with a pierced heart, I turned my head away. Tears falling as I ran, back to my home where I began.
Today stats was terribly terribly much of headache I dun think Panadol Fast can even help. Thooo, lauhgter can be quite an effective medicine. :)
taken from the budding star's blog
I wondered what all the commotion was about, so I asked Zk, and he referred me to Facebook. instantly burst out laughing when I saw this, lucky it was during break time xD
Oh and haha, the joke is about Ash having a weird tendency to have no one sitting beside her. Either for some weird reasons, or heh, no one likes her aww =(
with all the accidental knockings, curious pokings, and the gay touchings and I think darkness is actually quite fun, I dunno why though.
Anyway, some other thoughts.
One thing that I admire of those visually impaired, is that their world is one without aesthetics, one without physical beauty, and regardless of race, colour, looks, and anything that creates a sense of bias. No more do you run towards handsome hunks or pretty girls, rather, the only main feature of someone is his or her voice.
And friendship then, is based on character, attitudes and everything thats beyond the surface of one's skin. I find it a world of inner beauty.
taken from Zi Kang, "Things seems so much beautiful when you cant see"
Another thought too was on how my eyes kept hurting while in the dark, as though trying hard to grasp light, making out something out of nothing. oh and also cos tiong kiat jammed his white cane into my eye accidentally O__<
I'm pretty screwed up socially. Still searching for that, knowing well it wont never be around, just like a shooting star. And I think I've drifted off way to far. And I'm tired. I can only wait here hoping someone would be out there searching for me, and with false hope, I wished it could be you.
To sum it up, a beautiful quote by Timothy, "What we had been searching for is just something we want; what we need has already been with us right from the start, only to lose it when you had found what you had been searching."
Whooo, finally am done for my current projects! Can finally chill a few days of rest before the chionging starts again. Havnt updated for such a long time.
Ok, so many things happened so I'll jus make some nice quick refreshers :)
- TODAY - omg, today was OB presentation and my group ran out of time, just short of 3 slides, and Mr Tan cut us off :( Each of the other groups needed to ask 1 question just for feedback and haa omg guess what my super sweet class did?
They asked us for details on out missing slides xD. "So what strategies are there", "what is your conclusion" haha omg T01, I love you people!! could see Mr Tan smiling away, I bet he was just as surprised. And wowz, I was touched man. Even though they were small actions, but haha it really bring to life the beauty of the class ^^,
Alrites, next, another really heartwarming thing. on the day of Hi club opening ceremony, I was acquainted with a hearing impaired fren and had to host him. ha really was fun signing to him. You know, really did brought to life the whole meaning of handsigning. but heh, while in the lecture hall, something he said reaaaally touched my heart.
He signed: "I dunno why but this place brings me a lot of joy"
Heh, its kinda cool seeing such people finding warmth in places like this. It would be kinda cool if hi club wasnt jus a place meant for people to learn hand signs but even for the hearing impaired community to be part of us. Wow too bad he dooesnt hav the time to join us =P and yea, thanks to him, my passion for hand signing is burning even more fiercely wahahaha!
Oh and I forgot... my life's pretty screwed currently. i cant even take care of myself ._. too much school work + poor time management + loads of laundry + dog + dinner + stooopid YEP medical form, baaaaaaaaaaaa! >=(
~a bit of random smiles~
Many of you have probably come across a moment of me being plain weird, and laughed over it. (RIGHT?)
Here's a beautiful example, coupled with a very unfortunate typo.
In this recent spate of endless routine emoing I finally see some light.
So many things have happen recently. And I've changed because of that. I just dont know how. As I move on to various friends, asking how I've changed, I suddenly get an answer that strikes me so hard.
"well all i can say is that idk who you are exactly right now, and i think you're too caught up with trying to prove smt or change smt"
Revelations.
I realized, mainly from YEP, was that I found so much acceptance and being able to be part of a family, that after everything was over, I'm lost.
And so, unconsciously, I begin searching. Over a span of some weeks, I actively sought hard to expand my social circle. Camps, seniors, friends' friends and more. To find that family I once had.
In YEP, everything was mutual. Affections and care was coming in and going out from everywhere. Things weren't one-sided. The acceptance, the cherished feeling, the one of being enjoyed. Through those two weeks, strangers became acquaintances, and then to friends, and then to family. And a family was what I needed.
But all good things have to come to an end. Just that, I left myself behind where the good things ended, without knowing it. And now, I'm standing here in the present, without "me". Feeling the empty void created by the absence of "myself", I sought for something to replace it.
I sought for a family, the same family I experienced, amongst the people I knew or didn't knew. I actually found one, something I thought I would never experience again, a best friend. But even with that one, for in the midst of my unconscious search, I actually lost others. Especially some that I held dear to me.
And that, has been tearing my heart to pieces. I believed I tried. But my heart is fragile and I cant a blow too many. I pushed on the best I could, despite bruised and weary. But I said, my heart is fragile. I reached out with all my heart could take, but no, I couldnt find another hand on the other side.
And of course, I'm partly to blame. I changed. Be it for better or for worse. The "me" you all knew, was left some where in Vietnam, no, with the family. I got disconnected to those I already knew, even more so to know that were closer.
And you know, I'm tired. I'm tired of all this reaching out, finding another one just like the family I had. Maybe there isn't anything like that out there. Maybe you arent even like that.
Wheee, was at Sentosa the whole entire day with HMS LAC peeps. 9 til 10, the later part of the outing at Vivo. We even did a mini flashmob kinda thing. Check out my facebook for the vid.
Decided to wear a singlet and so now I've lost my white upper arms, and now I'm all REEEED. omg my arms are as tho I've lost the outer layer of skin. everything hurts, even just changing shirts >.<
Yet, I spent a whole day with the seniors, the people I looked forward to be friends with, and hey, I actually made quite an observation of them all. Makes me really reflect upon whether I ought to have that many friends.
As well, recently, I've been plagued by numerous thoughts, deep thoughts. And with such, I wish I could pen them all down, but they come and go so quick yet leave an subtle imprint on my living. I want to note them all down to see. Owells. Way too many deep thoughts, I feel so mentally drained. Friends, people, life, God, her, behaviour...
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Looking back this week, it has being a very good and meaningful week for me. I definitely with full assurance that feel I have become different. Seeing the interesting things that have happened. It's amazing how YEP's impacts on me has revolutionized my thinking and my way of life in such a unforeseen way, but heh, that's how God works. :)
BUT.
First day of school, compared the the last week, today was a failure. Went overboard again, said things I shudnt hav said urgh. Hope tomorrow things wont go out of hand.
And haha, Lifespan class was fun. and we had to share a bit on our lives. Was an enjoyable time of LOL. And I lied .___. And someone prolly knows I lied. lol.
Just couldnt help it. Kinda something I didnt really wished to be make known, especially in the case of general sincerity yea, hahax, perhaps reserve it til the time is right for sharing it :]
Hi club was lol-ish. The bunch of pangseh-ers finally came and so the instructors we taught them 3 classes and the song so I hopped over to the next class and signed their song together which was fun. lol. xD
And it's began to eat into me again. Scars. Really does ruins things dun they. Cos my heart hurts whenever I feel you.
Today was owells O.O Had to decided between my fren’s 21st birthday picnic or go find a fren that wants to meet me. I dunno if its was the right choice but, I didn’t attend the party, Was kinda met with lotsa difficulties. But heh, owells, maybe something good might come out of it.
Hours later… I’m just sitting in the park by myself, listening a song on repeat and reading up old chat logs. Cause I have no being here. Wondered if I made the right choice. Especially after all the trouble, and it going unnoticed, because it wasn’t even necessary (to them) in the first place. That’s quite what life is about anyway. Some time out to myself then. Without the internet.
Back to the chat logs.
Those were the good times. The memories, so vivid and clear, like as though I was living in it. All the laughter, the joy, the jokes, the four of us. I just kept reading, totally immersed and absorbed. Got so drawn in, for that 10 minutes, it felt like I went back to the past.
Until when I woke up from random sounds that I wondered “What am I doing here?” and then to realize that those were only memories.
Well certainly, things have changed, people progressed but well, life is an ongoing season. People come, people go. Relationships make and break. Just gotta be the best of what I can and who I am.
Owells I guess I will be heading home now.
Failure is never the end Never. The only true failure is if one dies without learning from it. Because after every failure, no matter the time, comes a point of resolute. And then, one grows.
And that my friend, is when you will become stronger. I know you will.
Essay and proposal is over. and I ought to be happy. yet in the midst of these cheerful moments. every now and then, a wave of melancholy hits me. maybe something's still not right. but just got a few days left, before the chaos starts again. I kinda need a break, I think. but ha, at least good things are happening. listened to the uncle at the western shop talk, and relationships are getting better and mostly, I'm part of something positive. yea. =]
hope you keep smiling too yea? ^^
Oh wells, here's a smile
Random Smiles
Socpsy lesson
J.Y: So what are the ways that the Aids virus transmit Some ppl: Sexually or through blood contact. J.Y: Good, any more? MH: Ya cher, 3 litres of saliva J.Y: Haha, er ok. But its quite scary yea? You compare 3 litres and 1 drop of blood. MH: Blood is thicker than water.
For He'll wipe away those tears and pinch your cheeks
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Today was an awesome day. Yes, it was full of smiles and sorts, but I think more importantly, it's a day where I became the one I wanted to be for which I wanna thank God =)
I did, to much of my fuller extend, with His grace, know that others were blessed today.
Laptops, words, time, sleep. Haha, its great seeing blessings take place and yea. May He touch more lives thru me :)
Cos that prayer I said for you, is His thoughts for you ^^
Cos He'll wipe away those tears and pinch your cheeks so you'll hav a big smile on your face. Believe. For He will, and He did.
Chiong chiong chiong. This is the 1st week of endless chionging for work. So much for “poly life very slack” RAWR. But it seems that its NP that’s horribly stressed up?
Haha, weather ‘s been so darn cold so I digged my cupboards for an old long sleeve shirt that I havnt worn in years. Nice, but got funny feedback about it. One abt it being very holey, (I counted at least 8) another saying it made me look bigger (less skinny). And lol one jus said I look funny ._.
Another way, roughly a week after cutting my nail cos of the curb, now I smash my other toe on the stairs =,=
And bleh, gonna hav a few sleepless nites thanks to too much work. I think I cant make it for gym these few days le :l
Random smiles
OB cher: Do you make decisions based on intuition? Me: Er ya sometimes. OB cher: Can you give us an example? Me: Er… No? *classmates laugh* Me: I cant remember.
A young boy, 11 years of age - stood beside a posh red sports car, deeply admiring it as any young boy would. The owner of the car slowly crept up behind him, when within reach, lunged forward and grabbed the young kid by the shoulders .
Man: Aha! Gotcha, what are you up to?
Boy: Nothing sir, I was just admiring your car. I really like it.
Man: Yeap, it's a nice car.
Boy: You must be rich huh?
Man: No.
Boy: Did you buy this car?
Man: No. I didn't
Boy: Did you steal it?
Man: No, of course not.
Boy: How did you get it then?
Man: You see, my brother is rich, and he bought it for me.
The young boy's eyes lit up,
Boy: Wow, I wish...
Man: I know what you're gonna say, you're gonna say you wish you had a brother to buy you one too right?
The boy smiled innocently and shook his head,
Boy: No sir, I wish I could be a brother like that.
Just like I've reflected the past week, maybe instead of wanting that something, why not be that something for others?
Hms Ambass was lol.soso. nuthin hard. nuthin much.
Free CCA points I guess. Had fun though. and the puppet performance was absolutely awesome and entertaning. Salutes to the ECH peeps.
Whooo, essay. i have all my stuff planeed out but I just had get them together. Neither do I know how to write them all. Oh, and I learnt how to use the library lol. xD Thanks~
And loook
Wheee so many books lol.
Counseled again. .__. hope things get better on Monday. and lastly. This is dedicated to you.
haha, being psychology student I randomly came up with my own hypothesis;
Hypothesis 1:
I think all psychologists in time will suffer from eye problems due to their required effort to do way too much research and literature reviews on other academic articles which are written in a poorly designed format that is extremely taxing to one's mind and eyes, causing undue psychological and physiological stress.
Hypothesis 2:
Majority of the content written in these articles are unnecessary and purely purposed to achieve word quota or otherwise meant to hinder other researchers from simply quoting and picking out points from their years of research and studies.
My fellow course mates in pursuit of psychological studies, your views if I may ask?
Because most of the essence of the meanings are captured in those words, and that the best of it comes just at that instant, I kinda posted most of the copied transcript.
My friend told me: *i felt tt u changed more than when u said u wanted to regress
I think I quite agree with that: *ha *dam *i think so too *how u feel anyway *u also no see me *dam i hope i not going down wrong path *oh and *then i thot *why stay the same *wat do we get out of life *when life is a ever moving thing, and for us to stay on one spot *I decided to move *for better or for worse *its gonna be a learning experience at least *its for ppl like me that im thinking like this *this new change is sparked off when my fren told me no one's gonna wait for me, that's the world too fast-paced *and of cos haha, from my church sermon on sunday =P *to hav the heart for ppl
And then she said: *i hope u will like the new u
My answer to all you out there: *heh i hope *sometimes i also dunno ba *im in a way suddenly drawn in to the thot that if ppl dun accept you *then suan le ba *im good living alone anyway *and besides *if the world doesnt hav time for those who needs it *I wanna make time for those who need it *if the world doesnt hav time to care *i wanna make time to care *if the world doesnt have time to listen *I wanna be that listening ear *tho of cos i kinda need to learn how to do all of that *but its kinda all from, since no one has time for the 'needy' and ppl like me. *Why wallow in the mud waiting incessantly for something that might not come. *Why not be that something, be that someone. *go out there and touch one life at a time. *stop living so that people will like me *and start living to like people
Haha, completed 2 elearning stuff today, and i kinda realized how rushed for time we are. Met up with DiD for IP and haha, I wore a shirt. O.o Haven't worn one for ages. doesnt look too bad I think :P
Nonetheless, I think my group's got [one of] the best IP organization, cos...
firstly, its in school, saves all the trouble of travelling. Secondly, the people involved are from NP, both lecturers and seniors, I think thats awfully cool cos firstly they'll do their best to help you and you arent treated like some passerby that's kinda wasting their time kind of stuff. :D thirdly, its just cos DiD rawks. fourth, we have Juliet as our advisor, best maaaan. She's super helpful i tell ya, unlike some male advisor.
AND OMG, I FEEL DAM CHEATED. $29 for my stooopid OB textbook and heh, doesnt even got the stuff I need to write for my essay. Then came the thought of borrowing from my seniors but HEH I ALREADY BOUGHT THE DARN BOOK.
:/ still kinda troubled over some stuff though. Cmoooon you lousy beating heart, time to buck up!
Surfing the net til I randomly came over a bunch of these 'emo' pics or something and I thought...
ok truthfully, things were quite good. Though I didnt exactly changed too much? .__. Kinda slipped of my mind.
But, heh, glad certain things happen and you know, maybe stop living for myself so much. The day was pretty epic, walked around Cold Storage to waste time with frens to wait for the Mcvalue lunch.
After lunch was... pretty nuts. Me and Tim were endlessly signing songs. Endlessly. And dam meh stinking poops. I nv do anything work :s
Hi! Club was... owells. We fialed to change the song, and omg la, Yve and gang changed to another class and... chose our song O.o hahax. Yea, so now we're gonna just stick to No Air, as much as yucky it is, we're gonna do our best ;)
I decided its time to move on. The world was selfish, I too, have been self-centered True, emoing doesnt help, but ironically, lying does. I aint gonna care what happened, what I've become, and what you're gonna do. I'm gonna go back to what a friend calls, "regression" But I'm gonna get a little progression.
Take it as a fair game. I regress for you. I progress for me.
I'm gonna try be where I used to, for you people. I'm gonna try be something else too, for me. It aint about trying to be something, but what you, and I want me to be
Gonna try something that ought to fix this all, it's gonna hurt, but with lesser parties are involved. Cruel, but necessary.
So I'm sorry for my offensive attitude, And I'm sorry for the hurts. Esp you I hope all will be able to accept me, (and if you dun, I aint giving a damn =,=) On the contrary, do drop a note of any of my misdemeanors Do alert me too, or not I wont catch it.
Oh, and many thanks to a certain few people that stood by me during this time, cudnt have done it without ya support, especially youfor always being by my side and youfor those words of encouragement Oh and you, "new friend", for understanding me ^^
Yea, so this ends 33 days of emoing .__. (break record sei) not gonna delete those previous posts, cos they serve for good memories and learning points
after all this... owells if things dun go well. but in the end, I still do love you. =)
I suddenly come to realize that this whole talk from you all that I'll be accepted for who I am is BULLSHIT
You bombard me with endless talk telling me, "Oh its important to be who you are. Real frens will accept you"
Oh really? and so when I become who I am, people frown. Really, what happened to all your talk.
Time and time again. I refused to believe you Because when I did I only got contempt in return.
And so I hid that part of me, keeping it from all your eyes so that you would like me and you do.
Then you tell me, you don't know me you tell me to open up you tell me to open my deeply scarred heart
Time and time again. I refused to believe you Others told me they wouldn't mind in the end they did.
When I finally opened up, trusting that you were special that you wudnt hurt me like the rest But you did.
But I loved you, I wanted you. and so I closed the world inside me to be that person you want.
Time and time again. the world tells me, "Be yourself" but all I see are lies And you told me, "Trust me"
Do you see how that dam f***ing cycle that plays around with my already hurting heart with all your f***ing lies goes?
Stop telling me all this if you f***ing dun mean it. Talk is cheap.
And stop telling me I'm so 'unknown' when all the things you f***ing wanna know and accept are the 'good' things.
Because to you, I'm just a friend. To me, you're more than a friend. And when you abuse my trust like that, you just think its me being emo, without you knowing the things I've been through.
To some of you out there. This is the f***king reason why I do not believe in real friends. You may have them. I dont.
And don't f***king tell me I should be me, because when I do, you are the very one that turns away.
Oh ,if you think you do, think again. Hard.
All this simply because, I don't believe in fairytales.
Edit: On a much lighter and calmer note, I just wanted to tell you, when you tell someone you'll accept him/her for who they are, mean it. Because if you cant do it, then dun say it. Really. And those who think they can, think hard. Because in reality, most of you don't, and cant do it.
Coz life isn't just a joke and toying with people's heart ain't right.
I just found out that I, have changed for the worse. And I thought I was doing it right. For something great, I lost something good.
I fear their rejection, Open up, others told me. I did, and they walked away. Or maybe. I walked away.
Maybe in my life, I'm not destined to have it. Maybe those 2 weeks, were just a passing cloud, a shooting star, fulfilling my deepest desires, and that it was just a dream.
Its time I stop living in that dream. People are leaving. Others are coming. Who should I hold on to?
But I hanker after that dream, cause I dont want to believe its over. because I really want that feel. But its reality and there ain't such a thing.
It was something I searched for throughout my life and then discarded, thinking it would never meant to be Til I found them, I believed again.
I was revived. the boy within me and people accepted me they loved me
Holding on to this dream, I searched on, in my home, for someone to pat my head, for someone to love me more.
Nico I became, to signify being me to tell the world, I believed that I put aside my perceptions, and believed
Believed that I would be accepted The one inside me. But even revealing that little bit frowns, their smiles became.
My friend told me, "Darren belongs to us, Nico belongs to them" I don't really have a choice, do I?
I opened up to you, thinking is was the right thing to do that you will give me the same. turns out, dreams will always be dreams.
Today. I know, and I realized. After this day, the doors of my heart shall be closed. I'll try my best to be who I am again.
I guess, being me, can be disgusting. I'll be who you want me to be Just dont go.
Because between a world I want and enjoy and the family I have, though not as good as that out there I'm choosing you.
So I'm gonna tell Nico to go even though I wished him to stay back to the dark pits of my heart never to be seen again.
Goodbyes to you, for it was nice seeing you, after so many years I got to held your hand again.
And with a pierced heart, I turned my head away. Tears falling as I ran, back to my home where I began.
Today stats was terribly terribly much of headache I dun think Panadol Fast can even help. Thooo, lauhgter can be quite an effective medicine. :)
taken from the budding star's blog
I wondered what all the commotion was about, so I asked Zk, and he referred me to Facebook. instantly burst out laughing when I saw this, lucky it was during break time xD
Oh and haha, the joke is about Ash having a weird tendency to have no one sitting beside her. Either for some weird reasons, or heh, no one likes her aww =(
with all the accidental knockings, curious pokings, and the gay touchings and I think darkness is actually quite fun, I dunno why though.
Anyway, some other thoughts.
One thing that I admire of those visually impaired, is that their world is one without aesthetics, one without physical beauty, and regardless of race, colour, looks, and anything that creates a sense of bias. No more do you run towards handsome hunks or pretty girls, rather, the only main feature of someone is his or her voice.
And friendship then, is based on character, attitudes and everything thats beyond the surface of one's skin. I find it a world of inner beauty.
taken from Zi Kang, "Things seems so much beautiful when you cant see"
Another thought too was on how my eyes kept hurting while in the dark, as though trying hard to grasp light, making out something out of nothing. oh and also cos tiong kiat jammed his white cane into my eye accidentally O__<
I'm pretty screwed up socially. Still searching for that, knowing well it wont never be around, just like a shooting star. And I think I've drifted off way to far. And I'm tired. I can only wait here hoping someone would be out there searching for me, and with false hope, I wished it could be you.
To sum it up, a beautiful quote by Timothy, "What we had been searching for is just something we want; what we need has already been with us right from the start, only to lose it when you had found what you had been searching."
Whooo, finally am done for my current projects! Can finally chill a few days of rest before the chionging starts again. Havnt updated for such a long time.
Ok, so many things happened so I'll jus make some nice quick refreshers :)
- TODAY - omg, today was OB presentation and my group ran out of time, just short of 3 slides, and Mr Tan cut us off :( Each of the other groups needed to ask 1 question just for feedback and haa omg guess what my super sweet class did?
They asked us for details on out missing slides xD. "So what strategies are there", "what is your conclusion" haha omg T01, I love you people!! could see Mr Tan smiling away, I bet he was just as surprised. And wowz, I was touched man. Even though they were small actions, but haha it really bring to life the beauty of the class ^^,
Alrites, next, another really heartwarming thing. on the day of Hi club opening ceremony, I was acquainted with a hearing impaired fren and had to host him. ha really was fun signing to him. You know, really did brought to life the whole meaning of handsigning. but heh, while in the lecture hall, something he said reaaaally touched my heart.
He signed: "I dunno why but this place brings me a lot of joy"
Heh, its kinda cool seeing such people finding warmth in places like this. It would be kinda cool if hi club wasnt jus a place meant for people to learn hand signs but even for the hearing impaired community to be part of us. Wow too bad he dooesnt hav the time to join us =P and yea, thanks to him, my passion for hand signing is burning even more fiercely wahahaha!
Oh and I forgot... my life's pretty screwed currently. i cant even take care of myself ._. too much school work + poor time management + loads of laundry + dog + dinner + stooopid YEP medical form, baaaaaaaaaaaa! >=(
~a bit of random smiles~
Many of you have probably come across a moment of me being plain weird, and laughed over it. (RIGHT?)
Here's a beautiful example, coupled with a very unfortunate typo.
In this recent spate of endless routine emoing I finally see some light.
So many things have happen recently. And I've changed because of that. I just dont know how. As I move on to various friends, asking how I've changed, I suddenly get an answer that strikes me so hard.
"well all i can say is that idk who you are exactly right now, and i think you're too caught up with trying to prove smt or change smt"
Revelations.
I realized, mainly from YEP, was that I found so much acceptance and being able to be part of a family, that after everything was over, I'm lost.
And so, unconsciously, I begin searching. Over a span of some weeks, I actively sought hard to expand my social circle. Camps, seniors, friends' friends and more. To find that family I once had.
In YEP, everything was mutual. Affections and care was coming in and going out from everywhere. Things weren't one-sided. The acceptance, the cherished feeling, the one of being enjoyed. Through those two weeks, strangers became acquaintances, and then to friends, and then to family. And a family was what I needed.
But all good things have to come to an end. Just that, I left myself behind where the good things ended, without knowing it. And now, I'm standing here in the present, without "me". Feeling the empty void created by the absence of "myself", I sought for something to replace it.
I sought for a family, the same family I experienced, amongst the people I knew or didn't knew. I actually found one, something I thought I would never experience again, a best friend. But even with that one, for in the midst of my unconscious search, I actually lost others. Especially some that I held dear to me.
And that, has been tearing my heart to pieces. I believed I tried. But my heart is fragile and I cant a blow too many. I pushed on the best I could, despite bruised and weary. But I said, my heart is fragile. I reached out with all my heart could take, but no, I couldnt find another hand on the other side.
And of course, I'm partly to blame. I changed. Be it for better or for worse. The "me" you all knew, was left some where in Vietnam, no, with the family. I got disconnected to those I already knew, even more so to know that were closer.
And you know, I'm tired. I'm tired of all this reaching out, finding another one just like the family I had. Maybe there isn't anything like that out there. Maybe you arent even like that.
Wheee, was at Sentosa the whole entire day with HMS LAC peeps. 9 til 10, the later part of the outing at Vivo. We even did a mini flashmob kinda thing. Check out my facebook for the vid.
Decided to wear a singlet and so now I've lost my white upper arms, and now I'm all REEEED. omg my arms are as tho I've lost the outer layer of skin. everything hurts, even just changing shirts >.<
Yet, I spent a whole day with the seniors, the people I looked forward to be friends with, and hey, I actually made quite an observation of them all. Makes me really reflect upon whether I ought to have that many friends.
As well, recently, I've been plagued by numerous thoughts, deep thoughts. And with such, I wish I could pen them all down, but they come and go so quick yet leave an subtle imprint on my living. I want to note them all down to see. Owells. Way too many deep thoughts, I feel so mentally drained. Friends, people, life, God, her, behaviour...
Darren Nico Pillai