Hais, I'm tired, and its good time I take a break.
I'm tired of trying to save the world, when I obviously can. I'm not trying to be a hero, I'm just wanting to see the world is lesser pain. Yet, I find it hard to take a break knowing there are people out there suffering, hurting. I'm not sure how, though I know I need to.
And sadly, in time as such, it is the people that I wish I can rely on for support, that are the ones that I end up draining myself for. I find it hard to balance the struggle between trying to help them, yet trying to fix myself.
Sometimes, despite all that people say of just do what I need to do, it feels like you guys blame me, blame me for not being there, blame me for not listening, blame me for leaving. Yet on the same note you tell me I should rest, I should take care of myself, and sometimes that I should just enjoy my things.
I'm in conflicts as to what I should do. To be honest, I've burnt out. I am tired, and I am weak. I'm not the strong friend, you think or want me to be. Whoever you are, if you really care, then I hope that you guys don't blame me for my short absence.
I need a break, I need a break from you, your problems, and the ways you all harm yourselves, because I cannot pretend not to see and do nothing about it. After so long, I have grown weary and tired. I know it may not be a lot, but I gave much of my best. I cant ask you to cherish it, but I'd wish you all see me for who I am, and not who you want. I'm sorry if what I gave was too pathetic for you, perhaps causing some misery for you in the process. But after this, if you find that I'm still an issue for you, that I'm sorry, I'm not the friend for you.
I treasure you all deeply in my heart and useless body, it would pain me to lose any of you. But, I guess I'm not worthy of any of you to stay, so go if you choose to.
So for now, I hope I'll be back stronger and better, and I hope you will grow, and not rely on someone as weak as I am. That you will learn to hold your own forts in true strength, and to overcome your odds.
Hais. I'm suddenly greatly disappointed by the world.
In this world, there are two realms. The path of righteousness and the path of selfishness. It's not meant to be a "holy" sounding term, but it boils down simply to one issue, will you choose to do what's right or otherwise. Certainly a challenge will be issued as to what defines right and what defines wrong, but that leaves for an un-debatable margin. But in my opinion, there is no gray area. Because the judgment of right or wrong lies not in the action but in the intention.
Doing what’s right is certainly not easy, but to a certain extent, I believe we all know deep inside us what’s right and wrong. More so is the question about are we willing to accept it, or deny the truth and live in the easier path of lies. We may reject a divine law of right and wrong, but we can’t deny the fact that a moral law lives in all of us, built into part of every human concept. We should check ourselves, because more often than not, it’s merely a fact we don’t want to face because of the responsibility it brings.
To start it off, doing wrong is often simpler than doing what’s right. What’s wrong? Once again, two factions exist. The choice for self-gain or for altruism, in short selflessness. Doing what’s wrong includes all the way from living for oneself selfishly, neglecting others, to as minute as just cursing someone quietly because he or she has done you wrong. This does not give me exclusionary privilege of being righteous or holy. I am but as weak as many of you. And yes, the line is so thin. One can do what is seemingly right yet with wrong motives. One can offer help to another only to make him or herself feel worth, or we might ask around for more information in the excuse of wanting to care, yet all we want is to just know more and be slightly amused. Doing wrong is when you push people away, just because everyone has hurt you. True when people do hurt you but when you indiscriminately push everyone away including those who genuinely care for you just for the sole reason of protecting yourself and no other, yea, that’s wrong.
Once again a quick argument might bring up the fact that whole am I to judge right or wrong, or who is to determine. Bullshit. The pressing issue is if this question you ask is to justify the actions you take, and the denial that many of the things we do are often for the gain of the self. Ultimately, who is in gain. You might do something that benefits another yet it is the true fulfilment of our own inner desires. But this is out of league for argument. Truly, you be your own judge. Your actions will bear your own fruits.
This brings me to another highlight that sometimes selflessness can be in the cause of selfishness. Many of us end up in self neglect, denying ourselves proper care, respect and worth. We throw ourselves always as though it was nothing to ‘help others’ but once again, could it be to give some value to your life in ways that you feel you cant value yourself. It’s important to distinguish between human needs and selfish needs. And more often than not, the line is blurred because the pursuit of human needs brings you to selfishness. Hence many find it hard to regulate what is human and what is selfish.
My grand disappointment is the choices of people. I cannot understand why, why must the world live in such selfishness. So many things are done for defense mechanisms, it protect ourselves from harm, hurt, and anything that affects us. I do want to acknowledge that yes, indeed hurt is something we are all aversive to. It sucks. But the only problem is, engaging in self-protective behaviours has one effect, it harms others. When you block out someone, they feel rejected and hurt. When you decide to throw a tantrum, they may feel hurt through unintentional words of anger. When you choose to wallow in the mud, dwelling in self pity and oh how poor thing you are, people give up their time, sometime sacrificially to accommodate you. And the problem is the way and frequency we engage in such behaviours has resulted in a chain cycle of hurts. We’re ever bombarded everyday but things that hurts us all because everyone is doing it. When one side decides to open, another rejects, and it goes on.
So why then should we ought to do what’s right since everyone is doing otherwise? True that, doing good will not brings you any fairness, and often comes with a cost. But hey, it takes a choice to stand up against all these to stop the flow. But well, lets take things from your view. Hey people have transgressed you in many ways, hurtful words, left you, rejected you and so many other ways. Certainly I do not forget or push away these. Every of these hurts are as genuine and painful.
But hey, now, lets present 3 views. 1st, we have the view of others hurting us, briefly mentioned earlier. Something all understandable. 2nd, is to why they do it. Reasons I’ve heard are because they care for themselves, they suck, they just don’t give a damn, mostly an external blame. True that. However, often we judge too early we forget that they too have their difficulties, and that sometimes they fail and end up having negative effects on others when they blow up, break down and more. Now for the 3rd perspective, what we do to others, the harm and wrong we do to others. I believe many would immediately go saying they deserve it, because they did this and that, or that they did me wrong and they didn’t care.
My point is, doesn’t everything look like a mirror image. What they do to you is what you do to them exactly. And many of them for the same purposes and reasons. Some out to gain for themselves, some out to protect ourselves, but the point is, many of the things we do, we do it for ourselves, and anything we do for ourselves, only takes from others. The problem with us is that we often victimize ourselves and blame the others. We did this because of them, and how the world has done you wrong. Have it ever occurred to you that others, and all the rest of the world is thinking the same? Does it give you a point to stand up and fight against the chain in terms of doing right? To be the better man and stop the ricocheting hurts bouncing across others?
No? Some of you might feel that you’ve been wronged too gravely for it, deprived of your rights. And yes, that holds partial truth. Our human needs have been neglected or rejected by the people around us. And you know what, here’s where I bring in the good guys. Let me tell you to all those out there waiting and hoping for a solution to arrive to you, there are people out there, that do and will make the choice to do what’s right, and that they will come for you. They are many good people, and these are a rare few. But all the more its important to not take them for granted!
You see, when people come to help you, it’s a good thing, a blessing in fact. With the ratio of helpers to needs, you’d be lucky that someone came to help you. But there’s one problem again. Once again it comes into play, the way people often treat this for granted. When someone comes to help, we push them away, sometimes out of anger, spite and just to make ourselves feel worse. Let me tell you, you pulling away and hurting yourself only affects those who genuinely care for you. When you hurt yourself, the hurt is doubled unto those that care. That is why defense mechanisms and doing wrong, has never a good effect.
But hey, I believe that is a game that most people play. Wanting to push or test things to see how genuine they are SO as no to get hurt yes? Screw it seriously. Where there’s something good, just take it, and without expectation or feeling like you deserve it. Because not everyone has the capacity to take your test. So when they go down and you feel like no one is there, you only have yourself to blame for being picky of the best. Secondly, when people help, it is to being that glimmer of hope to you. Knowing well and understanding that you are in need, they offer themselves up to provide you with their needs. And hey, that’s something we all take for granted. We, the needy people often treat these like chocolate. You eat chocolate, you’re happy and pleased, when it runs out you’re back to being all gloomy. Hey guys, don’t treat these help like as though you deserved it. Because you don’t, for the very fact that you suck by hurting others through just ensuring your own welfare or for revenge. But because they see your needs they go to you. It comes a time when these people bring a good in your life that hope is not lost, that good still exist, hope relived. And not for you to simply sit there and rely on help to come by, when it comes yay and when it doesn’t boohoo. Guys, for goodness sake, pick yourselves up and be a decent individual. Does it give you enough reason to do what’s right?
I wanna recap by reminding the difference between right and wrong again. But this time I’ll use another perspective of it. Hey, come on, you may see or think us as stronger, more goody, and its something easier for us. But let me clarify with you, doing what's right is not determined by strength of one but by the very choice to do so. People that have chosen to do right, face just as difficult situations, personal struggles like everyone does. I have my own share of losses, negative thoughts, personal struggles and I have to deal with, that would reasonably justify me to become a complete ass but hurting others through my behaviour, choosing to protect myself. But hey, in my course of melancholy, I can choose to listen to the negative thoughts that pits be against others, that blocks out those who care, or put them aside and open myself up. When people piss me off and done wrong against me, I can choose to curse them and plot revenge, gossip and badmouth them, but I can choose to listen and understand that they have their difficulties and reasons for doing such. When someone rejects me and makes my life difficult, I can choose to walk out. But I have made a purpose to stand up to do what’s right, even as unfair as it might be. I face as many struggles as many people do, and in fact our struggles are personally difficult to us, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to make the choice than you.
Right now I have presented a few reasons to the paradox of hurts, and truly, the number of people trying to do what’s right cannot cope with that much of needs. We will run out of energy one day. It will be great, if everyone can contribute to making this world a better place. One choice made right, one less hurt.
And to all those that hurt, one simple thing is to learn to hold your own forts. Stop shelving things away and wait for people to come, because sometimes they never do. Learn to help yourself, not by doing dysfunctional actions that harm yourself (eg. Self neglect) but learn, learn to overcome your own problems, because we’ll are trying. Don’t give up, don’t lose hope, and never forget the pursuit for self-betterment.
I now close this length message as a shoutout and a humble plea. To those who have been purposing to do what’s right despite the circumstances, it certainly has been challenging. But tarry on my friends, and stay true to your conviction, for because of you, the world will be changed, bit by bit. As for those who are still on the other side, I urge you, to fight this battle along us. Refrain from doing what’s wrong, either to yourself, or to others, together, through a constant sacrifice and a firm hold, we will be able to stop this chain of hurts. To those who don’t really care about this, I hope one day you’ll see the burden of the world, and not add to the chain cycle. You’re in pain, so are we, so let’s do this together shall we?
If peace meant you keeping troubles to yourself and showing me a clean facade, then I'm not sure if I want it. Yet I'm not sure if I can handle you telling me it either.
Why must things be such a dilemma. When can things ever be fine, with everyone? Must the world be in so much pain. Or was "peace never an option"?
Need to get back up and running soon. Enter the fray once again.
I feel so tired. So really tired. The weird thing is, for the past week and more, my mind has been running constantly without rest, mostly subconsciously. Even when I'm quiet and not thinking, there's always this charge in my mind as though there's a constant stirring.
Every night I find myself looking at my watch saying its 5.30-6.30, and shocked at how much time has passed. It feels like I'm sleeping, yet I'm thinking and what felt like 30 mins or so, has gone on for more than 2 hours. And I believe it's linked to be spike in migraine frequencies.
Additionally, it feels like I've been fighting so long, the battle has been grueling. Day after day, months after months. I feel really tired, and burdened. I've been holding on to a few important things in my life, people, as best that I can. Now, I barely have the strength to hold on, and it's taken a toll on me. I dont want to go on, yet there isn't a choice.
I need a break, a real one. Away from all these troubles, worries, responsibilities, concerns. I just want to be me, be the one who's loved, held on, protected. I miss home, I miss the serenity and peacefulness of a home. Family? What is family? I see 'friends' all around, yet I dont feel like I'm part of a family. It feels like I hae to work my way to fit in, or not get left out by the crowd.
I really want to reach out to hold on to somebody, but I realize, and fear, that no one's there for me to hold. There's so much others having their own hurts, their own problem. I'm scared I'll disturb them. I dont want to burden them in their difficulties. I know what its like when you have things to handle and then there's someone else. It's manageable, but its hard to go all out.
I want a home, a place of people I can lean back and relax on. I want a place when I can let go of everything and jump, and there will be someone there to catch me without hurting themselves. I want people that are genuine, unguarded.I want a place when I can lie down on someone and he/she is perfectly fine, not needing to spare extra thoughts to suit me. I want a chemistry so easy that we don't have to plan for one another. I want a holiday. I want a break from everything.
So many things I really want now, but there is little chance for any. I believe one of the reasons why my head is speeding out so much is perhaps to find a panacea. Either through finding opportunities, or to devise a solution to get my needs met.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm fighting for another's worth, and I'm possibly shortchanging the other. Yet, I don't feel anyone coming for me. Neither do I want to burden people out. I can feel my coping mechanism (levels of annoyance) rising.
I don't know. I just want to disappear from all these, pretend like I never needed to care.
Have you seen their needs? The nights they starve, the jobs they juggle, the bruises they endure. Don't assume all is fine with everyone.
Sometimes, even when we accept the struggles of life as part of life, there is that tendency to become complacent again. Ok, everybody is struggling, so what? But we fail to realize that to each of us comes our personal depth of difficulties, and some may possess better coping skills, where others struggles.
It is one to be relatively optimistic of things, yet at the same time, it is important not to neglect the possibility and extent of personal struggles. One may have it easy with minimum stress, another may cope relatively well, with occasional drops, yet just as poverty has infinite categories going lower than ever, to a man struggling to survive on $5 a day in SG, there are those who feed a family with less than US$1.
Beneath every impossible struggles lies a greater impossibility. For as there are those starving on 1 day of food, too there are those at the verge of total starvation, with hours left in their breath. Those who don't have enough for and require part time jobs to upkeep the house finances, there are those live on a day by day basis to survive.
Sometimes it isn't about how great your problem, the question is, to what extent does your problem goes. Some may be happy, we may be worse. We may be worse, some may be worser. There's always someone in a worser plight.
So, dont take for granted the peace that is presented, nor the hardship that we face, for out there, someone with a greater need is fighting.
Chanced upon this movie and I'm glad I managed to find a link to watch it.
The story tells of a simple mistake we do everyday. How we take things for granted. It's still decently acceptable when we neglect temporal objects, but why would we want to extend such treatment to those who love us.
We (I) take the people around me for granted. Family and friends. Like the guy in the show, he knew it, yet he found it hard to do. And so do I. The thought of losing people haunts me frequently, yet I cant find the compulsion to bring myself to do anything about it.
"Just love."
He had one extra day, to relive and re-do his mistakes. The change was lovely, even though parting was still destiny. But, that was how it is in movies. In life, some mistakes have no second chances.
The whole camp, the campers, and the moments together. I think this is one of the most fulfilling camp in terms of objectives and how it brings out so much experiences in real life simulation. The game system is intricately linked and realistic it's pretty darn amazing to wonder how they came out with it.
Taking up the role of a facil was pretty hard for this. But I think I did pretty well this time. The group wasn't the typical high, constraining my ultra high side, so mostly took a impersonal facilitator style. Really like how our group had more deeper reflections from the campers as compared to many others groups.
Though on the other side, the group didnt had the bonding as much as I wish I could bring it, but at least they had comfortable cliques in healthy ways. They looked out for each other and came together when needed, something I really loved. All bunch of really nice chaps really.
and of course. The dudes that brought me the greatest headaches. haha, challenging bunch from ACS that were here for CIP. Well, I learnt a lot from having to look through different perspectivecs and styles of handling them. One was trying to push them, standing with them and egging them on. The other was having to bring out the good in the bad, turning flaws into strengths, and I was kinda surprised at how I did it. Woots, my heart goes out for them nonetheless and I wished they would take home something in return too.
Overall, I really love my group and appreciate them oh-so-much, if only they knew haha. Here's to the Song Family of China! You guys rawk really, and from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for making it such a wonderful experience :)
Now I finally realize the impetus my selfishness have caused. And I'm ashamed at myself. The damage I've caused you. The broken promises, the hope I gave but never fulfilled. I'm sorry.
Right not, I probably cant feel any more a bastard than ever. Here I am, crying and complaining about my hurts, and there, I've forgotten about you, your pain. I got so involved in seeking things for myself, I made so many wrong mistakes, neglect, selfishness, complacency. And all that I am now, I'm ashamed. I wished you told me earlier. I wished I know what goes on in your mind.
I wished you knew why too though... Things weren't easy for me either. Going for you, was one of most joyous, yet most painful journey. Getting to you was never easy, having my own burdens to bear. You hardly ever express yourself, leaving me to second-guess everyday, vigilantly worrying about having to make the right moves. Having to struggle with rejection and value being my biggest stronghold, added on with what I constantly faced with you, each time you pushed me away without giving me any knowledge of my worth. It has been a long time you know, and I've been really tired. I've grown weary with this prolonged treatment. I loved you, I've always do. Ultimately choosing to put aside much of myself for you. Perhaps it wasn't enough. But really, I wished you knew, little as it is, I always gave you my best.
But for now, its time, after so long, that I'd put myself aside for you. Just forget myself, and go all out. Why bother with all these selfish needs when its merely temporal. I wish I could go back in time to undo all my mistakes. Things I shouldn't have done, words I shouldn't have said, moments I shouldn't have neglect. I wished I held you closer, loved you more, made you happier. All these are my fault, and I'm grateful there's still a chance to re-compensate.
Qi, I'm sorry I've been such a jerk, causing you so much pain. Please give me another chance. I'll love you as much as I can as best as I can, I'm not sure how long I can hold out without any input.
And qi, dont go. I don't ever want you to leave. If best I hope you never will. I'll try letting go of myself first. If I can do it successfully, you'll never have to feel these pain ever again. I'll try ok, I'll try.
Weirdly enough, everything seems to be my fault heh?
I'm not good enough, my fault. I get angry, my fault. I expressed my unhappiness, my fault. you get hurt, my fault. I keep quiet, my fault. I tell the truth, my fault I get rejected. my fault.
that's just how fragile the line between right and wrong is. When you do things for yourself and not others. How unfortunate.
House of Ruins
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
To you, it'll probably be just a game. Some threat or tactic I'm using to hold you down.
Its me crying for help.
But you'll never realize, how much damage I've taken, my world cracking at its rims. And I'm holding on everyday supporting thes crumbled pillars, pulling myself together just for you. And I've gone beyond the edge of my own strength. Now, there's nothing to hold on to, nothing for me to push away all these pain. As my fractured world crumbles in, so does all these pain, hurts and damage I've been withholding for so long.
So yea, as easy as it is for you to say, forget it all, you ought to know what can be forgotten, and what cant; pain. Otherwise, you can simply ignore me instead, and let me fall under these rubble. There was a reason to why I've been asking you about when my time of need comes. But like you said, maybe I never truly loved you at all. Maybe it was all just a lie. A pathetic lie. Everything I thought I've done was my own delusions.
And dont you worry. I wont like die physically. I'll live on. Just that persona of me consumed by all those hurts. A cheeky thought though, I wonder if people will miss me, or would it matter to them. But ha, I guess not though. Owells. owells.
I dont know what's right and wrong anymore. Should I keep fighting for you, persevering against all those lies or should I let go and have faith that things can still go on without me.
The damage is mounting, scarring me deeper than ever. That portion of my heart is atrophying, and sometimes I rather you deal me the mercy blow and end this one for all.
I cannot understand the nobility of the actions you claim, having only experience immense pain each time. My mind is at a great loss, a deprived state of understanding of how, you'd chose mercilessness than to heal my pain.
My first true developed love for another person in my life, and I guess it will be my last. It'll take a miracle, or for someone else to pursue me through my own defenses and into my abyss to catch me, but I doubt it will ever happen.
There's much to be grateful for. Having to know love, and the privilege of being one that would pursue almost endlessly; something I thought was never possible in this world. But of course, even heroes have to make sacrifices, and I guess mine's part of my heart.
They say the process is more important than the results. Maybe having failed all these, the process still made me someone better albeit against my desires of the end product.
The pain and agony, searing negative thoughts into my brain. Everyday, I wonder foolishly whether, you'll fight for me like how I've fought for you. After all that I've done, would you lay aside your things and come for me when I need you. I know it shouldn't be the main focus, but my human heart cannot take another level of abandonment. Something which I have an assumption you didn't care less about.
Enough of all those complaints and aimless thoughts, having played through my mind long enough for you to take heed of.
Now comes the choice, do I still hold on, or let go? If I let you go, allowing your path, how good would it be? Will you leave happy? Will I move on well? Will it be my fault if I stop fighting for you? Will I ever find a closure to that void in me?
Sometimes, maybe you dont understand, but I have already a plan to let go of you, for you to go your way. Just not so early. I wanna be able to spend and appreciate the most of my moments with you. But nah, you keep pushing me away, controlled by your fears, tearing me down each time.
You said I'm someone precious. Someone you are thankful for. Yet I cannot understand how and why you would treat me this way. Sometimes, I feel like pitting my own death to avenge yours, but that would do any good would it? If you harden your heart, then my death would be a pitiful waste.
I've fought hard over these 2 years. It amazes how you care yet not care for me. Thankfully, it's always til the final second before impact do you come swooping in like an angel to rescue me; but only to place me back on top of mountain peak. Sure you could keep doing that but who's gonna be the one after you leave?
If there be some consciousness of humanity in you, then I beseech you to hear me out. The greatest pain I've suffered over these years will not be when you leave me, but when the accumulated undue stress you've put me through all this games. If all your actions is on the reasoning of hurt, then let me tell you, you're causing what you're trying to prevent. Fears, never lead you to the right path. But, with the benefit of doubt that there's other reasons, then well, do as you deem fit... Just treat my hurts as collateral damage.
Just to let you know, I'm letting go of you. It doesnt mean I'm giving up on you, it only means that as much as I love you, I'm giving you the freedom to choose what you want. If you value this friendship, and everything that still exists before the deadline, I'll be here. But if you choose that its fine with you to disregard us for more important issues, then I painfully give you my blessings to go.
Having said so much, the conclusion is not my to create. I'm only a pathetic mortal, under the score of divine destiny, riddled with temporal challenges to an eternal future.
From the line from the creation of this blog til now, whose origins I cant rmb how,
"It's like chasing a departing train. So close and within sight, yet leaving and beyond grasp."
You can almost feel it, and yet it slowly slips out of your grip. A dream so close to reality, now chugging off on a steam engine.
And I wonder, will life be ever the same. In as much as another train will come again, destiny as been changed. The difference time spent at the new location, the experiential moments on the train ride, its unique one and all.
In today's time, we're spoilt for choice. But what happens when you've no choice. When all that you want and hold dearly is placed upon a train, destined somewhere without you on board. All that's left behind is yourself, apart from a few hand luggage you held on to.
It's a new season that I'm going through. Sadly, it takes up so much of my mind and energy, I havent been able to jot it down.
Having a lot of pent-up angst, its affecting my relationships with people. There's so much words that cant be said, emotions that cant be felt, and then there's all the pain, silently crying out. Isn't healthy having to stored up all these.
Then again, it gives a new insight to how repression still manifest itself in subconscious behaviour. Something, I have not engaged it since long. Shall keep that point in mind.
Anyway, gonna try out doing stuff I dont normally do, take some time out and give myself a break from this life.
It's takin' it's toll girl This silence is cold We're stuck at a dead end I'm startin' to wonder Did I say something wrong?
I keep askin' the question Will you turn around and come with me? Or should I read the signs and leave and let you be? Now I'm standin' at this roadblock And there's no way around it I've been waitin' for your mind to change Cuz I feel so one sided
I saw us break I watched us fall It made no sense to me at all You say that you will But then you don't So I'm gonna take this step alone In my heart of hearts I always knew This jump was way too far for you One day I'll see that smile on you You say that you willwont But then you don'twill So I'm gonna take this step I'm gonna take this step alone, alone
So give me a reason Why you're on the outside When you should be in here When we'll get together So maybe it's better I walk alone but you'll always be near
Now there's no room for settlin' I gotta do this, I need to But this mirror I'm lookin' in There's no reflection without you
Cuz I saw us break I watched us fall It made no sense to me at all You say that you will But then you don't So I'm gonna take this step alone In my heart of hearts I always knew This jump was way too far for you One day I'll see that smile on you You say that you willwont But then you don'twill So I'm gonna take this step I'm gonna take this step alone
The sanctity I found deep in your arms It was a false alarmreal and it burns yeah it hurts I lie awake at night and think of what we could have been if it worked Then we chose to go our separate ways instead of meeting each other halfway And If I had to choose girl, I'd have you by my side
So I'm gonna take this step I'm gonna take this step alone... till I'd have you by my side again.
The only difference between my ending and Elliott's? I know all will be well. I love you girl.
Its hard having to go through this I can barely keep a straight face. But as difficult as it might be, I've decided I'm not letting you go, nor will I dwell in childish behaviour and incessant wishing. I will fight for you, I will hold on to you. And I will wait, for you to open your doors again.
At some point of time, I questioned my "love" for you. Why was I doing all that. To help you? Romance? Good feelings and benefits? Sadly, I couldn't find a definite answer. But it's been put to the test, and right now, I hope that all I will have will be a genuine pure love for you.
And no, it's no longer about helping you, it's about you.
Interestingly, I would say it would be my privilege to taste of the slightest bit of what You might have gone through. The tireless long suffering love, unfailing even in rejection or denial. Yet You silently whisper, waiting for the day they turn their hearts.
And so will I wait, chastised and humbled by Your perfect example.
Dear God, please love her through me and I'll love her through You.
Yet again, another bomb dropped. It sucks that I'm left in the dark again. Gonna have to keep persevering. So many times already, yet it feels the same all the time.
Sadly, I cant even be true to myself here, guess I'll need somewhere no one goes, some where I can be myself, and acknowledge all these feelings behind the mask.
I'm sorry I'm so weak. And you'll probably hurt yourself even more because I'm weak. But I'm trying and I'm learning. The next time it happens, I'll promise you, I'll be stronger, and it wont hurt me. I promise.
Keep fighting Nico, even if you're alone. Keep the end in mind.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Hais, I'm tired, and its good time I take a break.
I'm tired of trying to save the world, when I obviously can. I'm not trying to be a hero, I'm just wanting to see the world is lesser pain. Yet, I find it hard to take a break knowing there are people out there suffering, hurting. I'm not sure how, though I know I need to.
And sadly, in time as such, it is the people that I wish I can rely on for support, that are the ones that I end up draining myself for. I find it hard to balance the struggle between trying to help them, yet trying to fix myself.
Sometimes, despite all that people say of just do what I need to do, it feels like you guys blame me, blame me for not being there, blame me for not listening, blame me for leaving. Yet on the same note you tell me I should rest, I should take care of myself, and sometimes that I should just enjoy my things.
I'm in conflicts as to what I should do. To be honest, I've burnt out. I am tired, and I am weak. I'm not the strong friend, you think or want me to be. Whoever you are, if you really care, then I hope that you guys don't blame me for my short absence.
I need a break, I need a break from you, your problems, and the ways you all harm yourselves, because I cannot pretend not to see and do nothing about it. After so long, I have grown weary and tired. I know it may not be a lot, but I gave much of my best. I cant ask you to cherish it, but I'd wish you all see me for who I am, and not who you want. I'm sorry if what I gave was too pathetic for you, perhaps causing some misery for you in the process. But after this, if you find that I'm still an issue for you, that I'm sorry, I'm not the friend for you.
I treasure you all deeply in my heart and useless body, it would pain me to lose any of you. But, I guess I'm not worthy of any of you to stay, so go if you choose to.
So for now, I hope I'll be back stronger and better, and I hope you will grow, and not rely on someone as weak as I am. That you will learn to hold your own forts in true strength, and to overcome your odds.
Hais. I'm suddenly greatly disappointed by the world.
In this world, there are two realms. The path of righteousness and the path of selfishness. It's not meant to be a "holy" sounding term, but it boils down simply to one issue, will you choose to do what's right or otherwise. Certainly a challenge will be issued as to what defines right and what defines wrong, but that leaves for an un-debatable margin. But in my opinion, there is no gray area. Because the judgment of right or wrong lies not in the action but in the intention.
Doing what’s right is certainly not easy, but to a certain extent, I believe we all know deep inside us what’s right and wrong. More so is the question about are we willing to accept it, or deny the truth and live in the easier path of lies. We may reject a divine law of right and wrong, but we can’t deny the fact that a moral law lives in all of us, built into part of every human concept. We should check ourselves, because more often than not, it’s merely a fact we don’t want to face because of the responsibility it brings.
To start it off, doing wrong is often simpler than doing what’s right. What’s wrong? Once again, two factions exist. The choice for self-gain or for altruism, in short selflessness. Doing what’s wrong includes all the way from living for oneself selfishly, neglecting others, to as minute as just cursing someone quietly because he or she has done you wrong. This does not give me exclusionary privilege of being righteous or holy. I am but as weak as many of you. And yes, the line is so thin. One can do what is seemingly right yet with wrong motives. One can offer help to another only to make him or herself feel worth, or we might ask around for more information in the excuse of wanting to care, yet all we want is to just know more and be slightly amused. Doing wrong is when you push people away, just because everyone has hurt you. True when people do hurt you but when you indiscriminately push everyone away including those who genuinely care for you just for the sole reason of protecting yourself and no other, yea, that’s wrong.
Once again a quick argument might bring up the fact that whole am I to judge right or wrong, or who is to determine. Bullshit. The pressing issue is if this question you ask is to justify the actions you take, and the denial that many of the things we do are often for the gain of the self. Ultimately, who is in gain. You might do something that benefits another yet it is the true fulfilment of our own inner desires. But this is out of league for argument. Truly, you be your own judge. Your actions will bear your own fruits.
This brings me to another highlight that sometimes selflessness can be in the cause of selfishness. Many of us end up in self neglect, denying ourselves proper care, respect and worth. We throw ourselves always as though it was nothing to ‘help others’ but once again, could it be to give some value to your life in ways that you feel you cant value yourself. It’s important to distinguish between human needs and selfish needs. And more often than not, the line is blurred because the pursuit of human needs brings you to selfishness. Hence many find it hard to regulate what is human and what is selfish.
My grand disappointment is the choices of people. I cannot understand why, why must the world live in such selfishness. So many things are done for defense mechanisms, it protect ourselves from harm, hurt, and anything that affects us. I do want to acknowledge that yes, indeed hurt is something we are all aversive to. It sucks. But the only problem is, engaging in self-protective behaviours has one effect, it harms others. When you block out someone, they feel rejected and hurt. When you decide to throw a tantrum, they may feel hurt through unintentional words of anger. When you choose to wallow in the mud, dwelling in self pity and oh how poor thing you are, people give up their time, sometime sacrificially to accommodate you. And the problem is the way and frequency we engage in such behaviours has resulted in a chain cycle of hurts. We’re ever bombarded everyday but things that hurts us all because everyone is doing it. When one side decides to open, another rejects, and it goes on.
So why then should we ought to do what’s right since everyone is doing otherwise? True that, doing good will not brings you any fairness, and often comes with a cost. But hey, it takes a choice to stand up against all these to stop the flow. But well, lets take things from your view. Hey people have transgressed you in many ways, hurtful words, left you, rejected you and so many other ways. Certainly I do not forget or push away these. Every of these hurts are as genuine and painful.
But hey, now, lets present 3 views. 1st, we have the view of others hurting us, briefly mentioned earlier. Something all understandable. 2nd, is to why they do it. Reasons I’ve heard are because they care for themselves, they suck, they just don’t give a damn, mostly an external blame. True that. However, often we judge too early we forget that they too have their difficulties, and that sometimes they fail and end up having negative effects on others when they blow up, break down and more. Now for the 3rd perspective, what we do to others, the harm and wrong we do to others. I believe many would immediately go saying they deserve it, because they did this and that, or that they did me wrong and they didn’t care.
My point is, doesn’t everything look like a mirror image. What they do to you is what you do to them exactly. And many of them for the same purposes and reasons. Some out to gain for themselves, some out to protect ourselves, but the point is, many of the things we do, we do it for ourselves, and anything we do for ourselves, only takes from others. The problem with us is that we often victimize ourselves and blame the others. We did this because of them, and how the world has done you wrong. Have it ever occurred to you that others, and all the rest of the world is thinking the same? Does it give you a point to stand up and fight against the chain in terms of doing right? To be the better man and stop the ricocheting hurts bouncing across others?
No? Some of you might feel that you’ve been wronged too gravely for it, deprived of your rights. And yes, that holds partial truth. Our human needs have been neglected or rejected by the people around us. And you know what, here’s where I bring in the good guys. Let me tell you to all those out there waiting and hoping for a solution to arrive to you, there are people out there, that do and will make the choice to do what’s right, and that they will come for you. They are many good people, and these are a rare few. But all the more its important to not take them for granted!
You see, when people come to help you, it’s a good thing, a blessing in fact. With the ratio of helpers to needs, you’d be lucky that someone came to help you. But there’s one problem again. Once again it comes into play, the way people often treat this for granted. When someone comes to help, we push them away, sometimes out of anger, spite and just to make ourselves feel worse. Let me tell you, you pulling away and hurting yourself only affects those who genuinely care for you. When you hurt yourself, the hurt is doubled unto those that care. That is why defense mechanisms and doing wrong, has never a good effect.
But hey, I believe that is a game that most people play. Wanting to push or test things to see how genuine they are SO as no to get hurt yes? Screw it seriously. Where there’s something good, just take it, and without expectation or feeling like you deserve it. Because not everyone has the capacity to take your test. So when they go down and you feel like no one is there, you only have yourself to blame for being picky of the best. Secondly, when people help, it is to being that glimmer of hope to you. Knowing well and understanding that you are in need, they offer themselves up to provide you with their needs. And hey, that’s something we all take for granted. We, the needy people often treat these like chocolate. You eat chocolate, you’re happy and pleased, when it runs out you’re back to being all gloomy. Hey guys, don’t treat these help like as though you deserved it. Because you don’t, for the very fact that you suck by hurting others through just ensuring your own welfare or for revenge. But because they see your needs they go to you. It comes a time when these people bring a good in your life that hope is not lost, that good still exist, hope relived. And not for you to simply sit there and rely on help to come by, when it comes yay and when it doesn’t boohoo. Guys, for goodness sake, pick yourselves up and be a decent individual. Does it give you enough reason to do what’s right?
I wanna recap by reminding the difference between right and wrong again. But this time I’ll use another perspective of it. Hey, come on, you may see or think us as stronger, more goody, and its something easier for us. But let me clarify with you, doing what's right is not determined by strength of one but by the very choice to do so. People that have chosen to do right, face just as difficult situations, personal struggles like everyone does. I have my own share of losses, negative thoughts, personal struggles and I have to deal with, that would reasonably justify me to become a complete ass but hurting others through my behaviour, choosing to protect myself. But hey, in my course of melancholy, I can choose to listen to the negative thoughts that pits be against others, that blocks out those who care, or put them aside and open myself up. When people piss me off and done wrong against me, I can choose to curse them and plot revenge, gossip and badmouth them, but I can choose to listen and understand that they have their difficulties and reasons for doing such. When someone rejects me and makes my life difficult, I can choose to walk out. But I have made a purpose to stand up to do what’s right, even as unfair as it might be. I face as many struggles as many people do, and in fact our struggles are personally difficult to us, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to make the choice than you.
Right now I have presented a few reasons to the paradox of hurts, and truly, the number of people trying to do what’s right cannot cope with that much of needs. We will run out of energy one day. It will be great, if everyone can contribute to making this world a better place. One choice made right, one less hurt.
And to all those that hurt, one simple thing is to learn to hold your own forts. Stop shelving things away and wait for people to come, because sometimes they never do. Learn to help yourself, not by doing dysfunctional actions that harm yourself (eg. Self neglect) but learn, learn to overcome your own problems, because we’ll are trying. Don’t give up, don’t lose hope, and never forget the pursuit for self-betterment.
I now close this length message as a shoutout and a humble plea. To those who have been purposing to do what’s right despite the circumstances, it certainly has been challenging. But tarry on my friends, and stay true to your conviction, for because of you, the world will be changed, bit by bit. As for those who are still on the other side, I urge you, to fight this battle along us. Refrain from doing what’s wrong, either to yourself, or to others, together, through a constant sacrifice and a firm hold, we will be able to stop this chain of hurts. To those who don’t really care about this, I hope one day you’ll see the burden of the world, and not add to the chain cycle. You’re in pain, so are we, so let’s do this together shall we?
If peace meant you keeping troubles to yourself and showing me a clean facade, then I'm not sure if I want it. Yet I'm not sure if I can handle you telling me it either.
Why must things be such a dilemma. When can things ever be fine, with everyone? Must the world be in so much pain. Or was "peace never an option"?
Need to get back up and running soon. Enter the fray once again.
I feel so tired. So really tired. The weird thing is, for the past week and more, my mind has been running constantly without rest, mostly subconsciously. Even when I'm quiet and not thinking, there's always this charge in my mind as though there's a constant stirring.
Every night I find myself looking at my watch saying its 5.30-6.30, and shocked at how much time has passed. It feels like I'm sleeping, yet I'm thinking and what felt like 30 mins or so, has gone on for more than 2 hours. And I believe it's linked to be spike in migraine frequencies.
Additionally, it feels like I've been fighting so long, the battle has been grueling. Day after day, months after months. I feel really tired, and burdened. I've been holding on to a few important things in my life, people, as best that I can. Now, I barely have the strength to hold on, and it's taken a toll on me. I dont want to go on, yet there isn't a choice.
I need a break, a real one. Away from all these troubles, worries, responsibilities, concerns. I just want to be me, be the one who's loved, held on, protected. I miss home, I miss the serenity and peacefulness of a home. Family? What is family? I see 'friends' all around, yet I dont feel like I'm part of a family. It feels like I hae to work my way to fit in, or not get left out by the crowd.
I really want to reach out to hold on to somebody, but I realize, and fear, that no one's there for me to hold. There's so much others having their own hurts, their own problem. I'm scared I'll disturb them. I dont want to burden them in their difficulties. I know what its like when you have things to handle and then there's someone else. It's manageable, but its hard to go all out.
I want a home, a place of people I can lean back and relax on. I want a place when I can let go of everything and jump, and there will be someone there to catch me without hurting themselves. I want people that are genuine, unguarded.I want a place when I can lie down on someone and he/she is perfectly fine, not needing to spare extra thoughts to suit me. I want a chemistry so easy that we don't have to plan for one another. I want a holiday. I want a break from everything.
So many things I really want now, but there is little chance for any. I believe one of the reasons why my head is speeding out so much is perhaps to find a panacea. Either through finding opportunities, or to devise a solution to get my needs met.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm fighting for another's worth, and I'm possibly shortchanging the other. Yet, I don't feel anyone coming for me. Neither do I want to burden people out. I can feel my coping mechanism (levels of annoyance) rising.
I don't know. I just want to disappear from all these, pretend like I never needed to care.
Have you seen their needs? The nights they starve, the jobs they juggle, the bruises they endure. Don't assume all is fine with everyone.
Sometimes, even when we accept the struggles of life as part of life, there is that tendency to become complacent again. Ok, everybody is struggling, so what? But we fail to realize that to each of us comes our personal depth of difficulties, and some may possess better coping skills, where others struggles.
It is one to be relatively optimistic of things, yet at the same time, it is important not to neglect the possibility and extent of personal struggles. One may have it easy with minimum stress, another may cope relatively well, with occasional drops, yet just as poverty has infinite categories going lower than ever, to a man struggling to survive on $5 a day in SG, there are those who feed a family with less than US$1.
Beneath every impossible struggles lies a greater impossibility. For as there are those starving on 1 day of food, too there are those at the verge of total starvation, with hours left in their breath. Those who don't have enough for and require part time jobs to upkeep the house finances, there are those live on a day by day basis to survive.
Sometimes it isn't about how great your problem, the question is, to what extent does your problem goes. Some may be happy, we may be worse. We may be worse, some may be worser. There's always someone in a worser plight.
So, dont take for granted the peace that is presented, nor the hardship that we face, for out there, someone with a greater need is fighting.
Chanced upon this movie and I'm glad I managed to find a link to watch it.
The story tells of a simple mistake we do everyday. How we take things for granted. It's still decently acceptable when we neglect temporal objects, but why would we want to extend such treatment to those who love us.
We (I) take the people around me for granted. Family and friends. Like the guy in the show, he knew it, yet he found it hard to do. And so do I. The thought of losing people haunts me frequently, yet I cant find the compulsion to bring myself to do anything about it.
"Just love."
He had one extra day, to relive and re-do his mistakes. The change was lovely, even though parting was still destiny. But, that was how it is in movies. In life, some mistakes have no second chances.
The whole camp, the campers, and the moments together. I think this is one of the most fulfilling camp in terms of objectives and how it brings out so much experiences in real life simulation. The game system is intricately linked and realistic it's pretty darn amazing to wonder how they came out with it.
Taking up the role of a facil was pretty hard for this. But I think I did pretty well this time. The group wasn't the typical high, constraining my ultra high side, so mostly took a impersonal facilitator style. Really like how our group had more deeper reflections from the campers as compared to many others groups.
Though on the other side, the group didnt had the bonding as much as I wish I could bring it, but at least they had comfortable cliques in healthy ways. They looked out for each other and came together when needed, something I really loved. All bunch of really nice chaps really.
and of course. The dudes that brought me the greatest headaches. haha, challenging bunch from ACS that were here for CIP. Well, I learnt a lot from having to look through different perspectivecs and styles of handling them. One was trying to push them, standing with them and egging them on. The other was having to bring out the good in the bad, turning flaws into strengths, and I was kinda surprised at how I did it. Woots, my heart goes out for them nonetheless and I wished they would take home something in return too.
Overall, I really love my group and appreciate them oh-so-much, if only they knew haha. Here's to the Song Family of China! You guys rawk really, and from the bottom of my heart, Thank you for making it such a wonderful experience :)
Now I finally realize the impetus my selfishness have caused. And I'm ashamed at myself. The damage I've caused you. The broken promises, the hope I gave but never fulfilled. I'm sorry.
Right not, I probably cant feel any more a bastard than ever. Here I am, crying and complaining about my hurts, and there, I've forgotten about you, your pain. I got so involved in seeking things for myself, I made so many wrong mistakes, neglect, selfishness, complacency. And all that I am now, I'm ashamed. I wished you told me earlier. I wished I know what goes on in your mind.
I wished you knew why too though... Things weren't easy for me either. Going for you, was one of most joyous, yet most painful journey. Getting to you was never easy, having my own burdens to bear. You hardly ever express yourself, leaving me to second-guess everyday, vigilantly worrying about having to make the right moves. Having to struggle with rejection and value being my biggest stronghold, added on with what I constantly faced with you, each time you pushed me away without giving me any knowledge of my worth. It has been a long time you know, and I've been really tired. I've grown weary with this prolonged treatment. I loved you, I've always do. Ultimately choosing to put aside much of myself for you. Perhaps it wasn't enough. But really, I wished you knew, little as it is, I always gave you my best.
But for now, its time, after so long, that I'd put myself aside for you. Just forget myself, and go all out. Why bother with all these selfish needs when its merely temporal. I wish I could go back in time to undo all my mistakes. Things I shouldn't have done, words I shouldn't have said, moments I shouldn't have neglect. I wished I held you closer, loved you more, made you happier. All these are my fault, and I'm grateful there's still a chance to re-compensate.
Qi, I'm sorry I've been such a jerk, causing you so much pain. Please give me another chance. I'll love you as much as I can as best as I can, I'm not sure how long I can hold out without any input.
And qi, dont go. I don't ever want you to leave. If best I hope you never will. I'll try letting go of myself first. If I can do it successfully, you'll never have to feel these pain ever again. I'll try ok, I'll try.
Weirdly enough, everything seems to be my fault heh?
I'm not good enough, my fault. I get angry, my fault. I expressed my unhappiness, my fault. you get hurt, my fault. I keep quiet, my fault. I tell the truth, my fault I get rejected. my fault.
that's just how fragile the line between right and wrong is. When you do things for yourself and not others. How unfortunate.
House of Ruins
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
To you, it'll probably be just a game. Some threat or tactic I'm using to hold you down.
Its me crying for help.
But you'll never realize, how much damage I've taken, my world cracking at its rims. And I'm holding on everyday supporting thes crumbled pillars, pulling myself together just for you. And I've gone beyond the edge of my own strength. Now, there's nothing to hold on to, nothing for me to push away all these pain. As my fractured world crumbles in, so does all these pain, hurts and damage I've been withholding for so long.
So yea, as easy as it is for you to say, forget it all, you ought to know what can be forgotten, and what cant; pain. Otherwise, you can simply ignore me instead, and let me fall under these rubble. There was a reason to why I've been asking you about when my time of need comes. But like you said, maybe I never truly loved you at all. Maybe it was all just a lie. A pathetic lie. Everything I thought I've done was my own delusions.
And dont you worry. I wont like die physically. I'll live on. Just that persona of me consumed by all those hurts. A cheeky thought though, I wonder if people will miss me, or would it matter to them. But ha, I guess not though. Owells. owells.
I dont know what's right and wrong anymore. Should I keep fighting for you, persevering against all those lies or should I let go and have faith that things can still go on without me.
The damage is mounting, scarring me deeper than ever. That portion of my heart is atrophying, and sometimes I rather you deal me the mercy blow and end this one for all.
I cannot understand the nobility of the actions you claim, having only experience immense pain each time. My mind is at a great loss, a deprived state of understanding of how, you'd chose mercilessness than to heal my pain.
My first true developed love for another person in my life, and I guess it will be my last. It'll take a miracle, or for someone else to pursue me through my own defenses and into my abyss to catch me, but I doubt it will ever happen.
There's much to be grateful for. Having to know love, and the privilege of being one that would pursue almost endlessly; something I thought was never possible in this world. But of course, even heroes have to make sacrifices, and I guess mine's part of my heart.
They say the process is more important than the results. Maybe having failed all these, the process still made me someone better albeit against my desires of the end product.
The pain and agony, searing negative thoughts into my brain. Everyday, I wonder foolishly whether, you'll fight for me like how I've fought for you. After all that I've done, would you lay aside your things and come for me when I need you. I know it shouldn't be the main focus, but my human heart cannot take another level of abandonment. Something which I have an assumption you didn't care less about.
Enough of all those complaints and aimless thoughts, having played through my mind long enough for you to take heed of.
Now comes the choice, do I still hold on, or let go? If I let you go, allowing your path, how good would it be? Will you leave happy? Will I move on well? Will it be my fault if I stop fighting for you? Will I ever find a closure to that void in me?
Sometimes, maybe you dont understand, but I have already a plan to let go of you, for you to go your way. Just not so early. I wanna be able to spend and appreciate the most of my moments with you. But nah, you keep pushing me away, controlled by your fears, tearing me down each time.
You said I'm someone precious. Someone you are thankful for. Yet I cannot understand how and why you would treat me this way. Sometimes, I feel like pitting my own death to avenge yours, but that would do any good would it? If you harden your heart, then my death would be a pitiful waste.
I've fought hard over these 2 years. It amazes how you care yet not care for me. Thankfully, it's always til the final second before impact do you come swooping in like an angel to rescue me; but only to place me back on top of mountain peak. Sure you could keep doing that but who's gonna be the one after you leave?
If there be some consciousness of humanity in you, then I beseech you to hear me out. The greatest pain I've suffered over these years will not be when you leave me, but when the accumulated undue stress you've put me through all this games. If all your actions is on the reasoning of hurt, then let me tell you, you're causing what you're trying to prevent. Fears, never lead you to the right path. But, with the benefit of doubt that there's other reasons, then well, do as you deem fit... Just treat my hurts as collateral damage.
Just to let you know, I'm letting go of you. It doesnt mean I'm giving up on you, it only means that as much as I love you, I'm giving you the freedom to choose what you want. If you value this friendship, and everything that still exists before the deadline, I'll be here. But if you choose that its fine with you to disregard us for more important issues, then I painfully give you my blessings to go.
Having said so much, the conclusion is not my to create. I'm only a pathetic mortal, under the score of divine destiny, riddled with temporal challenges to an eternal future.
From the line from the creation of this blog til now, whose origins I cant rmb how,
"It's like chasing a departing train. So close and within sight, yet leaving and beyond grasp."
You can almost feel it, and yet it slowly slips out of your grip. A dream so close to reality, now chugging off on a steam engine.
And I wonder, will life be ever the same. In as much as another train will come again, destiny as been changed. The difference time spent at the new location, the experiential moments on the train ride, its unique one and all.
In today's time, we're spoilt for choice. But what happens when you've no choice. When all that you want and hold dearly is placed upon a train, destined somewhere without you on board. All that's left behind is yourself, apart from a few hand luggage you held on to.
It's a new season that I'm going through. Sadly, it takes up so much of my mind and energy, I havent been able to jot it down.
Having a lot of pent-up angst, its affecting my relationships with people. There's so much words that cant be said, emotions that cant be felt, and then there's all the pain, silently crying out. Isn't healthy having to stored up all these.
Then again, it gives a new insight to how repression still manifest itself in subconscious behaviour. Something, I have not engaged it since long. Shall keep that point in mind.
Anyway, gonna try out doing stuff I dont normally do, take some time out and give myself a break from this life.
It's takin' it's toll girl This silence is cold We're stuck at a dead end I'm startin' to wonder Did I say something wrong?
I keep askin' the question Will you turn around and come with me? Or should I read the signs and leave and let you be? Now I'm standin' at this roadblock And there's no way around it I've been waitin' for your mind to change Cuz I feel so one sided
I saw us break I watched us fall It made no sense to me at all You say that you will But then you don't So I'm gonna take this step alone In my heart of hearts I always knew This jump was way too far for you One day I'll see that smile on you You say that you willwont But then you don'twill So I'm gonna take this step I'm gonna take this step alone, alone
So give me a reason Why you're on the outside When you should be in here When we'll get together So maybe it's better I walk alone but you'll always be near
Now there's no room for settlin' I gotta do this, I need to But this mirror I'm lookin' in There's no reflection without you
Cuz I saw us break I watched us fall It made no sense to me at all You say that you will But then you don't So I'm gonna take this step alone In my heart of hearts I always knew This jump was way too far for you One day I'll see that smile on you You say that you willwont But then you don'twill So I'm gonna take this step I'm gonna take this step alone
The sanctity I found deep in your arms It was a false alarmreal and it burns yeah it hurts I lie awake at night and think of what we could have been if it worked Then we chose to go our separate ways instead of meeting each other halfway And If I had to choose girl, I'd have you by my side
So I'm gonna take this step I'm gonna take this step alone... till I'd have you by my side again.
The only difference between my ending and Elliott's? I know all will be well. I love you girl.
Its hard having to go through this I can barely keep a straight face. But as difficult as it might be, I've decided I'm not letting you go, nor will I dwell in childish behaviour and incessant wishing. I will fight for you, I will hold on to you. And I will wait, for you to open your doors again.
At some point of time, I questioned my "love" for you. Why was I doing all that. To help you? Romance? Good feelings and benefits? Sadly, I couldn't find a definite answer. But it's been put to the test, and right now, I hope that all I will have will be a genuine pure love for you.
And no, it's no longer about helping you, it's about you.
Interestingly, I would say it would be my privilege to taste of the slightest bit of what You might have gone through. The tireless long suffering love, unfailing even in rejection or denial. Yet You silently whisper, waiting for the day they turn their hearts.
And so will I wait, chastised and humbled by Your perfect example.
Dear God, please love her through me and I'll love her through You.
Yet again, another bomb dropped. It sucks that I'm left in the dark again. Gonna have to keep persevering. So many times already, yet it feels the same all the time.
Sadly, I cant even be true to myself here, guess I'll need somewhere no one goes, some where I can be myself, and acknowledge all these feelings behind the mask.
I'm sorry I'm so weak. And you'll probably hurt yourself even more because I'm weak. But I'm trying and I'm learning. The next time it happens, I'll promise you, I'll be stronger, and it wont hurt me. I promise.
Keep fighting Nico, even if you're alone. Keep the end in mind.
Darren Nico Pillai