Been kinda avoiding thoughts about graduation. Don't really want to think about it, and the future that comes. And the friends and people I'll have to part with, but I
ll do an update soon enough to commemorate it.
Wish you were here
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Ain't gonna feel good leaving the house by my own tomorrow.
Kinda wanted to be able to photograph this hallmark of my life together with you, given that we don't take much pictures. I don't know if I should blame myself or circumstances.
Honestly, I want to do it. It plays on my mind everyday, wishing to be bale to. And I hate myself for saying no. But...
I've made enough mistakes and done enough harm.
For a moment of selfgratification now will only lead to greater regrets in the future. And if I was truly sorry, and if I truly care, I shouldn't indulge myself in this. As much as it hurts now, better a small hurt now than a big hurt in the future.
I made the better choice, it wasn't easy. It's a painful sacrifice for a better future for us. Maybe you won't see it now, but I hope in time you'll understand.
Through a htht talk with a friend about a problem she has been facing, I finally got to understand the "her" perspective on a similar problem I've been facing.
I guess my friend's expression of feelings came out more naturally since I wasn't directly related to her story, and being a 3rd gave me a clearer vision too. it really allowed me a glimpse of understanding to what 'she' likely hav felt behind all the unspoken words.
It also made realized how much I hav neglected 'her' feelings and the irresponsibility I had towards the harm I had done. I owe 'her', I really do. I have a clearer picture now of what I need to do, and I hope that through my wrongs and flaws, that I still would be able to salvage a special friendship from it.
I sat by the bed saying out my long overdued apology, hoping, yet knowing
you probably wouldn’t hear me through the music. Ever since that night, we've
almost never spoken.
Yet every other night, I dream of us. In my dreams, we’re talking. In my
dreams, I had the guts to face up to you with my apology. In my dreams, you
didnt hate me. In my dreams, we had the closest bonds.
In my dreams. Never has that statement felt so literal. Neither had I such recurring
dreams of the exact same picture.
But I’m too afraid, and selfish maybe. I’ve failed you in many ways, and
even with my apology, I’m afraid that I still cannot live up to what I should
be.
Still, I really want to say I’m sorry for all that I’ve done to you, and
that I’m definitely proud to have you as my brother, and despite all the
arguments and petty things we hate about each other, deep down, I’ve always
wish that we’ll be best friends, kicking the world’s ass with our awesomeness
combined, we’ll have a bond that makes others envious, perhaps even closer than
brothers.
Fears or faults, wishes or dreams, I love you Amias. (shit that was dam mushy
but still…)
"There's something you need to know about failure, you can never let it defeat you."
Monday, May 14, 2012
Haddock, “I thought you were an optimist.” Tintin, “You were wrong, weren't you? I'm a realist.” “Ah, it's just another name for a quitter.” “You can call me what you like. Don't you get it? We failed.” “Failed? There are plenty of others willing to call you a failure. A fool. A loser. A hopeless souse. Don't you ever say it of yourself. You send out the wrong signal, that is what people pick up. Don't you understand? You care about something, you fight for it. You hit a wall, you push through it. There's something you need to know about failure, Tintin. You can never let it defeat you.”
The Hike
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Was supposed to meet someone at Douby Ghaut today, only to receive an sms canceling the appointment, just as I was at the doorstep. Yup. So, seeing that I've come all the way, going back home would be quite a waste of time. And sooooo, in my enigmatic search for something random to do, I decided to... *drums rolls*...
WALK HOME FROM DHOBY GHAUT.
I'm proud of myself!! :D I finally did some crazy thing for once. It was quite an achievement cause I really walked non-stop throughout (aside from a lunch break).
Started off from Dhoby, wandered til Bugis, and followed the MRT tracks now. Decided to snap each stations from Lavender onwards.
Lavender, 3:32
I just remembered I still need to make my IC...
Kallang, 3:47
I love this part where I'm super close to the tracks
4:02
Lunch at some coffeeshop near Geylang :D Prawns were awesome.
Aljunied, 4:27
Paya Lebar, 4:41
Clouds are preeeety.
Eunos, 5:05
Kembangan, 5:20
Bedok, 5:41
Tanah Merah, 6:05
This was one hell of a walk. It felt like forever.
Simei, 6:36
Slight detour to snap the last station!
I think one simple lesson I took on my long journey pressing on. After going so far, stopping halfway would failing the achievement and wasting my time and energy. Sometimes, just gotta press on for the prize ahead, tough as it may be. Slow and steady, each step brings you closer.
Everything feels so screwed up now. Pent up frustrations. Pent up hurts.
I need to find some place to vent it all out. I want to find some place to run away. Away from all these stress, pressure, and the people as well. In this screwed up time, I keep doing things to annoy or hurt people. But I don't know what else to do to relieve it.
I want to break. I want to cry. I want to rage. I want to hate. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to forget. I want to give up.
I wish someone understands what I'm going through now. Please stop being unhappy with me.
Learnt an important lesson/reminder; it's about being there WITH someone when needed.
When we try to help someone, we think we're there for them, but sometimes it's really for ourselves. Sometimes upon seeing a problem, we become more interested in finding answers and then making our point across. True albeit that the solutions or words we say may be the right, yet if it's not in the true interest for them, then it's does not go towards helping them. It's just helping for the good of helping. Sometimes for our own interest of forcing our idea of best, we end up neglecting the true needs of who we're supposed to be there for. If we really cared, we'll pay attention to the critical needs of what person requires.
It's not what we think is best for them. It's about what's best for them.
If there's one thing personal I could take back from yesterday's conversation, it would be freedom. Freedom from your thoughts of me.
But, yesterday, all I saw was that you couldn't accept me. You said you wanted to know me, yet in my realness, both good and bad, you couldn't accept the flaws and cracks. You couldn't accept that part of me, the inner depths of who I really am behind all the good.
I've always had the dilemma whether it was me being hard to accept, or you not accepting me. Because I respected and valued you, I stuck to me being the issue.
I didn't want badly of you, I wanted to uphold that image of a hero I thought you to be. And so I just took in everything you threw out at me; the truth, the lies.
While the truth help me see my blindspots, the lies formed negative impressions of myself that you selfishly projected unto me.
I feel really cheated. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel hatred. Towards you and myself. But at least now I can safely say the fault isn't entirely mine, that I'm not the sole bad person in every conflict.
I hope to get over this negative feelings, so I won't be stiffened up by this hurts.
For myself, I'll hav to learn to forgive, to accept, and to let go.
Mixed feelings towards you now. Dun think I'll show you that side of me anymore, seeing how distasteful it was for you. That'll be the best you can get from me, the good parts without the person I am. And the best I can personally give is I'm sorry, sorry I wasn't a good friend.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Been kinda avoiding thoughts about graduation. Don't really want to think about it, and the future that comes. And the friends and people I'll have to part with, but I
ll do an update soon enough to commemorate it.
Wish you were here
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Ain't gonna feel good leaving the house by my own tomorrow.
Kinda wanted to be able to photograph this hallmark of my life together with you, given that we don't take much pictures. I don't know if I should blame myself or circumstances.
Honestly, I want to do it. It plays on my mind everyday, wishing to be bale to. And I hate myself for saying no. But...
I've made enough mistakes and done enough harm.
For a moment of selfgratification now will only lead to greater regrets in the future. And if I was truly sorry, and if I truly care, I shouldn't indulge myself in this. As much as it hurts now, better a small hurt now than a big hurt in the future.
I made the better choice, it wasn't easy. It's a painful sacrifice for a better future for us. Maybe you won't see it now, but I hope in time you'll understand.
Through a htht talk with a friend about a problem she has been facing, I finally got to understand the "her" perspective on a similar problem I've been facing.
I guess my friend's expression of feelings came out more naturally since I wasn't directly related to her story, and being a 3rd gave me a clearer vision too. it really allowed me a glimpse of understanding to what 'she' likely hav felt behind all the unspoken words.
It also made realized how much I hav neglected 'her' feelings and the irresponsibility I had towards the harm I had done. I owe 'her', I really do. I have a clearer picture now of what I need to do, and I hope that through my wrongs and flaws, that I still would be able to salvage a special friendship from it.
I sat by the bed saying out my long overdued apology, hoping, yet knowing
you probably wouldn’t hear me through the music. Ever since that night, we've
almost never spoken.
Yet every other night, I dream of us. In my dreams, we’re talking. In my
dreams, I had the guts to face up to you with my apology. In my dreams, you
didnt hate me. In my dreams, we had the closest bonds.
In my dreams. Never has that statement felt so literal. Neither had I such recurring
dreams of the exact same picture.
But I’m too afraid, and selfish maybe. I’ve failed you in many ways, and
even with my apology, I’m afraid that I still cannot live up to what I should
be.
Still, I really want to say I’m sorry for all that I’ve done to you, and
that I’m definitely proud to have you as my brother, and despite all the
arguments and petty things we hate about each other, deep down, I’ve always
wish that we’ll be best friends, kicking the world’s ass with our awesomeness
combined, we’ll have a bond that makes others envious, perhaps even closer than
brothers.
Fears or faults, wishes or dreams, I love you Amias. (shit that was dam mushy
but still…)
"There's something you need to know about failure, you can never let it defeat you."
Monday, May 14, 2012
Haddock, “I thought you were an optimist.” Tintin, “You were wrong, weren't you? I'm a realist.” “Ah, it's just another name for a quitter.” “You can call me what you like. Don't you get it? We failed.” “Failed? There are plenty of others willing to call you a failure. A fool. A loser. A hopeless souse. Don't you ever say it of yourself. You send out the wrong signal, that is what people pick up. Don't you understand? You care about something, you fight for it. You hit a wall, you push through it. There's something you need to know about failure, Tintin. You can never let it defeat you.”
The Hike
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Was supposed to meet someone at Douby Ghaut today, only to receive an sms canceling the appointment, just as I was at the doorstep. Yup. So, seeing that I've come all the way, going back home would be quite a waste of time. And sooooo, in my enigmatic search for something random to do, I decided to... *drums rolls*...
WALK HOME FROM DHOBY GHAUT.
I'm proud of myself!! :D I finally did some crazy thing for once. It was quite an achievement cause I really walked non-stop throughout (aside from a lunch break).
Started off from Dhoby, wandered til Bugis, and followed the MRT tracks now. Decided to snap each stations from Lavender onwards.
Lavender, 3:32
I just remembered I still need to make my IC...
Kallang, 3:47
I love this part where I'm super close to the tracks
4:02
Lunch at some coffeeshop near Geylang :D Prawns were awesome.
Aljunied, 4:27
Paya Lebar, 4:41
Clouds are preeeety.
Eunos, 5:05
Kembangan, 5:20
Bedok, 5:41
Tanah Merah, 6:05
This was one hell of a walk. It felt like forever.
Simei, 6:36
Slight detour to snap the last station!
I think one simple lesson I took on my long journey pressing on. After going so far, stopping halfway would failing the achievement and wasting my time and energy. Sometimes, just gotta press on for the prize ahead, tough as it may be. Slow and steady, each step brings you closer.
Everything feels so screwed up now. Pent up frustrations. Pent up hurts.
I need to find some place to vent it all out. I want to find some place to run away. Away from all these stress, pressure, and the people as well. In this screwed up time, I keep doing things to annoy or hurt people. But I don't know what else to do to relieve it.
I want to break. I want to cry. I want to rage. I want to hate. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to forget. I want to give up.
I wish someone understands what I'm going through now. Please stop being unhappy with me.
Learnt an important lesson/reminder; it's about being there WITH someone when needed.
When we try to help someone, we think we're there for them, but sometimes it's really for ourselves. Sometimes upon seeing a problem, we become more interested in finding answers and then making our point across. True albeit that the solutions or words we say may be the right, yet if it's not in the true interest for them, then it's does not go towards helping them. It's just helping for the good of helping. Sometimes for our own interest of forcing our idea of best, we end up neglecting the true needs of who we're supposed to be there for. If we really cared, we'll pay attention to the critical needs of what person requires.
It's not what we think is best for them. It's about what's best for them.
If there's one thing personal I could take back from yesterday's conversation, it would be freedom. Freedom from your thoughts of me.
But, yesterday, all I saw was that you couldn't accept me. You said you wanted to know me, yet in my realness, both good and bad, you couldn't accept the flaws and cracks. You couldn't accept that part of me, the inner depths of who I really am behind all the good.
I've always had the dilemma whether it was me being hard to accept, or you not accepting me. Because I respected and valued you, I stuck to me being the issue.
I didn't want badly of you, I wanted to uphold that image of a hero I thought you to be. And so I just took in everything you threw out at me; the truth, the lies.
While the truth help me see my blindspots, the lies formed negative impressions of myself that you selfishly projected unto me.
I feel really cheated. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel hatred. Towards you and myself. But at least now I can safely say the fault isn't entirely mine, that I'm not the sole bad person in every conflict.
I hope to get over this negative feelings, so I won't be stiffened up by this hurts.
For myself, I'll hav to learn to forgive, to accept, and to let go.
Mixed feelings towards you now. Dun think I'll show you that side of me anymore, seeing how distasteful it was for you. That'll be the best you can get from me, the good parts without the person I am. And the best I can personally give is I'm sorry, sorry I wasn't a good friend.
Darren Nico Pillai
