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Greatest Year 2010 - The Story
Friday, December 31, 2010

This is it, the last day of 2010. Each 31th December of the year, we commemorate a year of our lives. It's interesting to see how everyone automatically takes a moment to reflect, maybe because of the concept of time, knowing we have progressed through life. And the one tangible measure of life is time.

This year has been the greatest year of my life ever. Even better than my past, but definitely will not surpass what's installed in the future. This year, so much things has happened. 2010 took me through plenty of ups and downs. But for every bad that happens, I count it all gain, as everything comes together to make life as it's philosophically known, life. And with it, I've grown exponentially, taking leaps and bounds.

Taking and living on a renewed calling, pushing myself to greater depths. Opening my heart for the reconciliation of relationships, learning how to love and loved. Building true friendships. Learning principles, experiencing miracles from my heart. Facing up to my deepest fears and hurts and learning to overcome them.

My mom asked me for one thing that I'm thankful for, thinking through all the great things that has happened so far, I think no other word will be suffice for the goodness of everything than this. I'm thankful for God, being God. Everything surrounding my life, especially that calling the burns stronger with time.

I'll have no choice but to admit, that surrounding all these wonders of the year is because of God. Found my first personal encounter with God, and life has never been any more meaningful since then. If one year in His calling amounts to so much, I'm sure the rest of the goodness of life cannot fit into my wildest of imaginations. And I'm excited for the future, day by day, and I watch and His hand unfolds His power in my life.

The second best thing of course would to be my greatest, bestest, miraculous gift from God to me. A true friend. One whom I have no walls with. One whom I can let down everything, and simply be me. One whom I can completely love without restraint and be loved in return till the point where people question if we're straight xD My inspiration and hero. My support, and partner. Sharing the same heart and goals, pushing each other forward.

My resolution for 2010, is to be refined into a better person, being able to impact more lives powerfully. And also for me to work on my relations with others.



For everything that has happened, shall do a simple recollection of all the memories and milestones from my journal this year. Refreshes my memory of the year, evcen those which I've long forgotten. Woah... over 200 posts O.O

[[ Click on the dates to link to the posts =D ]]
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[[ January ]]
Funny to look back and see how fast time has passed. I was only in year 1 then. Beginning of the season for a new change. Resolved to leave my facades and become truer with others. Learnt about self acceptance. Went through certain turbulence with Timothy. 2010's resolution was to become a better person.
~~~~~~~~~~

Jan 14th

First birthday in poly, looked forward to sharing it with friends. Was showered with gifts which I use til now. Things didn't go so well that day, was mostly alone but nonetheless, a day to remember =) Timothy spent some time to keep me company that day =)

Jan 15th

My goodbye letter to hq. Marks the first breakdown of our friendship. Lost the energy and will to continue pursuing her. Felt it was time I moved on to develop myself. Aimed to add life back into who I was, didn't want to let things get in my way.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ February ]]
Reevaluation of my ways of friendship. Was at a low period due to declining friendships, especially a particular person close to me. Revealed a certain secret as well after accidentally being exposed Random memories of me falling and tearing a hole in my favourite pants =| won my first dollar from mahjong with relatives
~~~~~~~~~~

Feb 5th

2nd closing ceremony for Hiclub. Didn't really had a good experience because of all the committee stuff and responsibility.

Feb 11th

Wrote out a metaphor for Y. I like it when my emotions are at its peak, I think I write waaay better during times like that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ March ]]
The breakthrough of my life. Devoted myself to the 21 days of prayer, and through it, found a whole series of inspired wisdom and blessings, and most importantly, that divine encounter. Changed my life from there on. Was also a time when I kinda set myself into a philosophy of intimate relationships, crushes and stuff. Learnt a lot through a few readings and understood love in a more deeper, selfless manner. During this time I was also dealt the hardest blow in my life that still lingers on today. Was not chosen for Hi Club's main comm. Til then, it has always been a thorn in the flesh.
~~~~~~~~~~

1st - 21th Mar

21 days of prayer. Major breakthrough in life. Never felt closer to God then I ever did. First personal encounter with God as a generational Christian. Felt God's presence with me everyday, and glad I was able to tune myself in to do much more with love.

2nd Mar

Timothy's birthday. Grateful for him as a friend through my times. The closest friend I had since that time. A companion for my thoughts and someone I enjoy. My tower of strength as well. As much as we often have opposing views, I think you still have a great heart and hope you can grow more.

31th Mar

Hiclub AGM. No longer was a main comm. Held back my tears and faked a smile. Wasn't that hard at first, but as the time went by, felt more hurt each time I saw the main comm together.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ April ]]
2nd year of poly, much more to learn, interesting modules. Oppoturnities for me to develop leadership. Lost my heart for Hiclub after being badly affected by the main comm thing. A lot of thoughts about Y.

~~~~~~~~~~

14th Apr

Got to be a GL for the first time for HMS Foc. Really enjoyed my time with them, although I wasn't that good a leader.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ May ]]

Another month of personal challenges and refining. Being sulking over the issue of friends and me for about 2 months now. Learnt to stand alone. Hi club intermediate classes never felt as bad as ever before. Every class was a drag to go. Lost a lot of passion for hiclub then.

~~~~~~~~~~

2th May

Experience my own miracle and proof of being a true friend. Through contstant heartfelt prayers, by the grace of God, my friend was steered from going down the wrong path. Learnt so much from there, especially a lovely verse
Psalms 23:3
He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name sake.
13th May

Hi Club instructor of 1F. Being an instructor has brought me much joy. Seeing all my students growing up, especially when they tell me how much they enjoyed classes.

29th May

Mommy's birthday. Was preparing for this day for a week before. Printed her a old picture of the family when we were young and wrote a note to her. She was so touched and proud of it she kept showing it to everyone. Thank you mommy for everything you have done. I love you.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ June ]]

Got involved in a few HI's related events. Also a learning point where I felt I needed to stop holding back because of fears. Slowly deviated away from God through the busyness of life. Faced a big blow from a friend.

~~~~~~~~~~

5th Jun

Went out with Hiclub to Vivo as a field trip to pretend we're HI's. Wasn't that all too good, as I felt that we might not have done a lot of things right, but overall, one thing I really appreciate about it is the silence. Sometimes I wish there was really good earplugs to block out all the sound and just to appreciate the silence.

24th Jun

A human revelation of God's love when He sent Jesus down for us. From a Father's heart, to hold back His power, just for us worthless and sinful humans, all because of love. Privileged with that understanding.

26 Jun

Got encouraging compliment from a friend, something I hardly ever receive.

I like how strong you are and the fact that you never give up. I like how no matter what anyone says, you stay true to yourself.

Thanks Hanisah, that meant a whole lot to me. Inspired me to carry on.

30 Jun

Interesting event. Forgot about it already. Felt hurt over something which Timothy revealed. Kept me in the dark from something, and acted convincingly surprised when I found out. Weeks later when I found out (today), I some how felt like my trust was betrayed. Wished he told me the truth. Questioned my friendship with him. Owells ._.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ July ]]

Led my first performance to push standards higher. Learnt more about self-acceptance as well, pertaining to me and my perception of being an annoyance.

Main reccurent issue of friendship here. Had a heartfelt desire for a true friend. Emo-ed on the way I dealt with friends, and my way of pushing them away. Experience a turmoil with Timothy regarding disclosure. Made and hurt a new friend. qy.

Slowly developed my love for her, one that appeared foolish, but unconditionally there to push me on.

~~~~~~~~~~

7 Jul

Learn to accept myself as a gift. Overcome past hurts, as best that I could. As much as it haunts me, gotta learn to believe that I'm not a burden, or annoyance to others.

8 Jul

Final performance for "Change a Heart, Change a World". Felt like I made history, topping the standards for song signing in Hi Club. Pushed limits till we could standardize our timing and signings even when blindfolded =D and I emo-ed as I felt no one showed appreciation for what I did, but nonetheless left a small legacy behind to the juniors, as the blind-video-standardization. =)

20 Jul

Blogged some thoughts about relationships. Something I hold dear.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ August ]]

Closing ceremony of hiclub. Concludes my 3rd and final semester. Personalized the call of deviance in a self proclaimed genius deviant. Signed up for camp comm for church, taking up a great leader role.

Quite a thought filled month, with me draining out from doing good, and finding my strength from God.

Other interesting memories, HuiQi coming down to help me when I had a serious migraine attack. Haha. Cried after watching a video on soldiers surprising their families after returning from war. The love in their eyes moved me, and then emoed once I felt it was a dream to me.

~~~~~~~~~~

5 Aug

Recollection of Hiclub as the sem closed. Thought through my experience in Hiclub and realized how much it was such a diffuclt journey for me, even though filled with much passion.

19 Aug

Commemorated ZX as my hero. Seeing his zest and good will his the lives around him. Someone who shared the same ideals of altruism. My comrade.

26 Aug

Reawakening of the shadow self, the nemesis to my gifts. The destroyer in me, taking out all the weaknesses in someone and exploiting them with it. Hope it will never surface ever again, and thank God I've yet to do anything as evil as that.

29 Aug

Realize the unresolved guilt I had with my friend from past hurt. Holding back and a stumbling block throughout my life ever since. Needed to forgive myself from all the guilt and believe in opening myself again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ September ]]

Realized I've been out of all the matter of affections for quite some time. Felt free and happier. Watch a series of videos of social experiments and people not doing anything to help. Formalized some thoughts about "affections". Theorized my model of social capacity. Thought about me being an annoyance again, and went through a bad emo night. Made another hallmark in Hiclub song signing.

Another important hallmark of my life. Camp 180. Resolved to face up to my fears of love, and learnt an important principle of truth and genuineness towards myself and others. Also marked the friendship between me and ZX.

~~~~~~~~~~

16 Sep

Once again pushed the limits of song signing. Choreo-ed for camp performance taking on Waka Waka, in the theme of k-pop-ish inspiration. One of the most epic, non-stop movement for song signing where each individual only gets sign 4 lines, with only 8 -10 sec of air time. Overall, was one epic performance, was glad I had more than 50 over likes. =D


28 Sep

Camp 180, finally after 2 months of planning. Learnt a lot of faith and principles here. Felt a need that I should face up to my deepest darkest fear of love. Something that was holding me back from all and everything that I could do and possibly was. Also helped me assimilate into the church social circle. Cried my eyes out here together with my now-best-friend.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ October ]]

Worked on an MV with song signing inside. Didn't do that well as I pulled the whole team back with my own struggles. Had some low periods with friendships again, caused a certain rift towards a few people.

Learnt about impersonalization and my own perception of loving myself. Experience having faith to God to give not what I want but to give me what's best. Also to stand alone to do the right thing.

Started on counseling modules =) Oh oh, and as well as a super negative first impression of me from a friend, which changed after she got to know me haha. xD Practiced confession as in saying out the deepest most sensitive things to my friends in letting them know the truth. hard

~~~~~~~~~~

1st Oct

Had to hold hq's hand. I think I struggled with my heart having to open up to a raw form of love. Hard to understand but yea. Well, open that incident, it unlocked certain parts of me. With that expressed love twice out of my own security. Felt sad for stalling the MV though =l

13 Oct

Hi Club camp as a GL. Led a group with only one guy haha, but was really nice memories. Sadded that we bonded towards the later part of the camp. But kinda glad to have a homely camp unlike those outside.

22 Oct

HMS camp wasn't as good as I wished it'll be, feeling much alone because of all the differences. Learnt to stand alone, to do the right thing, and it was pretty tough, but I'm proud of myself that I did not succumb.

30 Oct

emoed again about Hi Club matters pertaining to instructor this time. Was sad that I couldn't get the level which I wanted (I got it in the end). Learnt to surrender my rights.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ November ]]

Hmm, 2nd last month. Mostly revolved round the past emoing of main comm. Penned down the different sides of me. Thought filled month, and me awakening to the whisper inside me.

Also found a deeper root in myself and something I've struggled with. Value. On a happier side, found a recipe for smiling, a true happiness that arises from the heart.

~~~~~~~~~~

20 Nov

Felt hurt after finding out I was thought by some to be an extra, despite the good intentions I had. Felt like as though I was misjudged and stuff but haha, owells.

28 Nov

Started the 3rd cycle of my friendship with hq, unable to see everything she's going through and not doing anything. Been a long arduous journey with her but heh. Ahaha, all for love's sake =P

29 Nov

Figured I've always felt worthless towards the people around me and I struggle to even give myself any value. Seemed that rhoughtout life, as much as objectively, I'm not as bad as I think I am, yet people often lash out easily, while hold back on the good things. So far, after everything that I've done, I still doubt myself, hardly ever receiving any affirmation.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[[ December ]]

Final month of the year. Saw me reconciliation with hq, in an absolute honest confrontation, similarly, for my brother to read my thoughts and feelings towards our past. Did something beyond me as well, well, haha for the first time. Had some emo moments. Was finally allowed back into her world again =) That nostalgia when I first glimpse upon it. Haha.

Ended off with learning how to rely on God instead of my own strengths, seeing me through each day. and picking me up whenever I get tired.

~~~~~~~~~~

4 Dec

Stalked my brother on facebook. Realized my absence in his life and how bad I treated him in the past. Happy that things had turn out much much better for him. Hope that I can bring up my relationship with him in 2011.

11 Dec

Met up with her, to say out everything. Was happy that I could bring back the relationship. along side, did some crazy stuff which I never saw myself doing. Yeap. Haha. My first ._.

20th Dec

Cambodia trip. Enjoyed myself. Had an eye-opener to things from other lands as well as to work on relating with others. I enjoy being able to be overseas with my friends.

24th Dec

Spend Christmas Eve feeling at my lowest of the year. Old hurts and needs resurfacing. Tugging at my heart strings. Felt exhausted after all the work. Glad that I picked up the next day =)

27- 28th Dec

Stayed over at ZX's place. Never really a sleepover at a best friend's house. Played til late at night haha, =P great memories.

30th Dec

Hear Me Out event. First time executing a plan without giving up halfway. Really nice and meaningful time with the HI's making new friends and stuff as well as working together with the subs =D Memorable experience.

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Crystal Thoughts
Monday, December 27, 2010

Thank you for allowing me that chance. Sorry I got so retardedly hyped out I kinda neglected your feelings. I think I didn't realize how much it meant to me.

It suddenly came to mind, after calming down, how, I've hardly ever felt being the recipient of self-disclosure. Aside from xiongz who does it more. Maybe I'm the only fool who openly displays everything to everyone but heh.

Anyway, it meant a lot to me. Somehow. I didn't dare open the page, it just felt so unreal. The second my eyes laid on it, a whole bunch of emotions flowed in. This place somehow, had a sentimental value to me. It felt like a distant memory, haha, maybe something like Narnia O.O But yea, I could picture myself entering the room, peering at all the ornaments, feeling the texture of the walls.

I think, and felt, that those thoughts were so beautiful, so precious and delicate. Like crystal sculptures. Each memory, had a story to it, a sweet gentle touch to it. I dunno, but it felt overwhelming. I finally could leave aside all the guessing games, and be able to see your thoughts.

Really treasure this chance, this moment where I am able to walk into the room, as feel it. I learned some things. Never concretely knew my value to you. As well as all the moments of my selfishness I see. Shouldn't take you for granted. Gonna try my best to love you more.

Thank you ._. Thank you so much for giving me this chance. Not sure if you understand, but it means, a heck lot to me. So much I'll prolly emo about it. haha. Anyways, still sorry for the insensitivity ._. I suck.

Til the next dream...


================


Had a talk with ZX about 2011. A common weight in our minds is the we both know it's gonna be our last year together, before it's left much to fate to direct it's course. However, I really appreciate that both of us can come objectively together, to acknowledge the possible departure of this meaningful friendship without the doom and gloom.

We will one day in time, have to come to part, a fact we both understand. But it is in our consciousness that it reminds us to cherish and make the fullest of whatever that's given to us. Rather than hold back, all the more should we pour everything we have into it, even if it meant our hearts breaking harder when the day comes. Because we know it'll be worth it all.

As much as our hearts desire for that infinite bond, it is undeniable that circumstances will dampen that bond, and perhaps in it's worst, dissolve it. I often wonder what would my future life be like without him. Army, uni, work, future, without this great brother and gift. But all I know is that, he'll forever be someone special in my heart, regardless of where my journey leads me. For the first miracle my heart yearned for, he'll be one that I'll place in my heart, forever.

And hah, you came to mind too. Not sure what's gonna happen after poly. Thing will change probably. Heartbreaks will be there. But I just want to let you know, if I could choose, I'd want our lives to be together forever. I wanna be there for you through it all. But I'll have faith. Faith that strength will see you through, even when the day comes I cease to exist by your side. And love will fill your heart, and life will ever so meaningful. I believe, and I love you.

In closure, I still hold to my belief that bonds are not made to last forever, but for a specific time and purpose. However, my philosophy would be:

Don't cry because it's over, be thankful because it happened.

And that I truly am. ^^

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On His Shoulders
Sunday, December 26, 2010

Ha, Pa. Quite like any time I guess, I'm back on my feet.

I've come to realize, all these things I'm going through, all the pain, all the strain of having to give my own heart's desires and wants just for Your purpose.

It's agonizing every time, I see how weak I am, full of problems, empty patches, and places needing repair. Like how much my whole being sucks for the way I am, yet through You, I'm as powerful as any other hero, under the submission of God.

I guess, after having to go through one of the sudden deepest lows, and to step out of it as though the pains were gone without repression or cheating myself, it just shows Your evidence in my life, my calling.

For this very run, that my feeble often get so tired, you pick me up on Your shoulders and carry me through. For each time I feel exhausted, drained, helpless, worthless, and as if everything wasn't worth continuing, your still small voice whispers to my heart.

I know that You will suffice all that I need, and in my faith, I wait patiently and faithfully on the good my work will bear. All those that I lack, in due time, in Your time, You will provide.

You know Pa, I'm so grateful for Your presence in my life. Pushing me through everything that has happened throughout just this year, my words, will never measure up with the good You have done, and my praises, if never ending, still fails to sing of Your glory.

Pa, for every thing that You have instilled into me, would you give me greater grace, mercy, and strength, in being the one You have design me to be, to be a vessel of Your love for others, that unconditional, agape love. Make me stronger with each day, as I live a life that is wholly dedicated to being an impact for You. That lives will be touched by love, only because You first loved me, and everyone else.

Pa, as hard as it might be, as tough as it renders me to have to surrender my flesh, Father Lord, I have found no greater joy, and meaning to my life, aside from wholly pursuing Your purpose in me, and being a tool to impact others. I thank You for the great privilege of walking this path, albeit arduous.

Pa, this Christmas, I only ask that You mold me to become like Christ, to love others as powerfully as You.

I love You, Pa. ^^

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Far From Home
Friday, December 24, 2010

It's Christmas Eve.

Frankly, I don't really feel anything, though I'm trying to fit myself into the mood. Either the days are being ordinary that they don't make a difference. Or extraordinary.

Being having lotsa thoughts this festive day.

Most of them circulating round friends.

Sometimes I think I fail pretty much as a friend. Presently, I'm not sure if its a phase, but as I look into the current friendships I wonder where I am going. Bit by bit, cracks appear.

For that gem whom I've found, I'm ever grateful for the blessed smooth journey. The other, silent conflicts bubbling from opposing principles and perspectives, held together by common interest. Yet, a subtle pain of trust being challenged by a void of understanding.

To another, I'm yet living another by faith. One roughened by storms, scarred by life's tempest. One whom I do not know. A reclusing shadow, drawn towards the blanket of the night. The last of four, an agonizing force that compels me forward. Of no returns, this sets my greatest bond of altruistic measure.

A common theme among them, a hidden wall. I only see the dark silhouette cast upon the ground by the light. My faith and trust wears thin. To try be by one yet in unknown.

I can only find myself to blame. Not quite a good friend material anyway. Maybe I don't give that sense of security. As someone shared, I give this notion that I might just fly away anytime. I cant disagree. Many times I subconsciously depersonalized myself from others, because I don't want to be held down by bonds I don't want to sap my fuel. Or maybe I lost that touch of being relational. Don't want to live under the obligations of people's expectations either. A knowing that contracts me to do something.

I look at you and ask myself what I am doing. I feel like a fool at times. I'm not even sure if there's any value in what I am doing. Well, I fail much, to provide that safe place, not as well as they did. That wariness hurts.

I look at your double and wonder what it would be like if there was that zest, that smile backed by life. I wonder if maybe things would be more comfortable. And that I could give less and receive.

I think it's me being greedy and self-centered. Always wanting people to care, to understand. I haven't really understood much of anyone. Perhaps even in my attempts, there's too much of self making me lose focus of others. As much as I try, I keep forgetting to ask why, as if assuming everything was fine.

I should try talking less about myself and more of others. Maybe that'll work. Is it the norm to have little self-disclosure? Is it for protection or for selflessness? All these facades and secrets... I'm at a loss of what to do next. I cant go on pretending everything is fine when I'm struggling to keep my sanity that everything's alrite.

I think I'm slowly losing it. The people around. Maybe I've changed, and brought in some wrongs.

I'm so tired of working so hard and having to persevere through all this. What's the point of persistence if I'm ignorant about these matters. I don't know how to do anything anymore, I'm just learning, trying to pick up whatever I can.

I feel so dry, I don't want to run this race any more. My joints are giving in. Growing weaker as the days go by. Yet I cant stop running. I don't want to continue, but I will. The force, whether by divine grace or foolish compulsion, picks me like a wind and edges me on. Sometimes through piercing shards that bleeds me for doing right.

I feel like I'm walking in a parched desert, lost and aimless, yet knowing a step in any direction brings me closer to something. Under the dark, I'm haunted by apparitions of illusion friendships.

I think I tried loving others so much I forgot how it felt like to be loved. I cant remember what it feels like to be the recipient of an unconditional care, having someone watch me, protect me, embrace me, and shower me with love. I don't even miss that feeling because any memories of it is wiped into oblivion, I can only vaguely picture what's left of that yearning of what it would feel like. I feel so far from home.

I wish I can just drop everything and be part of everyone. I wish I can be like a child again, carefree and without responsibilities, with parents to love me lots. That I can be together with friends, with lives less complicated by time. Innocence that guides the genuineness between two. A love untainted by fears and worries. That warmth, unrestrained, filling the depths of my heart.

But I only know I can never find it. And to cry on the floor thrashing and sulking will do no good to anyone. If I was to succumb to all these weaknesses, I'll lose out on all the things I can give others. There is no point if two strangers suffer in the cold lone if one could give up everything to add value to the other's life. I'll be willing to give up my life or happiness if it could make up for another person's life. Selflessness, or neglect? I've long lost hope on any good that I could ever find. I don't want that hope of others to die out as well.

I think I'm running on an overdue love debt. I miss home.

"" I really hope you can find someone who would love
you as much as you well deserve it someday."

I hope so too; someday =]


And that's how I spent my Christmas Eve, longing for a home I'll never find.

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Ten Plus One
Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Heh, with the recent events, old wounds have been dug up again. Main comm. Been asked numerous times about why I'm not in the leadership camp or in AGM. Maybe what makes it more painful is that they expected me to be there? =/ I often answer them with a forced smile, "oh that cause it's intended for you juniors." Whereas, some where deep down, my answer was "that's because I'm not in the main comm."

Think it's both a good and bad thing that some people see me almost equivalent to the main comm. It lightens me to know that people see me in high regard, yet at the same time, pains me whenever I feel that it's only a image. I'm just another member. Maybe a way more enthu one. Yet in the best of my heart I can manage, I make everything I do for Hiclub as best I can, though frustrated with my limited power.

I secretly watched the main comm as they had their meeting yesterday. Inside me, I felt a sense of happiness. Finally, be it only my delusions, I felt a slight inkling of connection with them, even if it meant watching from the shadows. Always felt as though I was a separate entity from them.

We all had the heart for Hiclub. Yet through the links of status, a separate community was inevitably formed, out of my inclusion. The family I grew up with, now together, yet I cant be at the same level with the rest of them. All I can is fight off the constant thought of how we, are the same, yet not the same. Same batch, same friends, same experience. Different places.

Hiding for more than 4 hours, I had plenty of time for imaginations, as I often do. It led me throught the thoughts of "what if's...?" What if, I was in the main comm, discussing all the matters with them, planning important events, charting out the future for Hi Club.

Snapped back to reality as I watch them laughed together. The thing is, I wasn't any main comm, neither did the slightest inch of possibility ever existed for it to restore. In the end, I was only an outsider, shamelessly hiding in the dark, watching, living in a mix of dashed dreams and self pity.

I wonder back to myself, how things could be different if I was in the comm. But then, I can't just see the supposed good I think I can, and neglect what someone else could have done with the same position as well.

I have various unresolved thoughts concerning me and the main comm. Why was I not chosen for it? At least in current terms, I would fit the role of a main comm well? Did I "mature" too late? Was my attitude too bad back then? Did I lack the capabilities? Even if I could replace one, who was I supposed to replace? Or that there's no role suited or left for me? Do I have the right to compare myself with any other main comm? And then begets the old question, was it a case of bias, that an injustice was done to me?

These answers I hope and know I'll have to get because I don't to move on with all these unresolved issues and answers I never get to find. I'd hunt you down, and you better not withhold what's rightfully owed to me; an explanation.

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Cambodia 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010

Back from Cambodia 13-17 Dec 2010 (A little late I know haha)

It's been a really nice experience, both in my personal objectives as well as experentially. Got to see the different sides of poverty and disability, in a developing nation. And wow, kinda sad sometimes. Though I feel inspired by the social organizations that empower these people and their lives. And the volunteers there are really really sweet and warm people. Glad to see the love of christianity flow through them. Really wonderful and encouraging. Got to spend more time with my class. Haha, really nice being together with them, overseas. The laughters and times, makes me appreciate my class much more, I wish we had more time together.

anyway. Quite mixed feelings during the trip. I went there with an intention to bond with my classmates, hoping to tap on the conducive environment. First 3 days wasn't good I felt. tried too hard, and ended up mirroring others too much. I felt it yet find it hard to stop. In the end, after 3 days, I had nothing, for I was being nothing either.

4th day had it better, by me purposing to try be more relational. Tried with timothy, though didn't get too good results. Got some real results this time, being able to htht with mm 3 people and better a relationship with another =) And lol. Last night was pretty interesting. Got a random htht moment with a classmate, talking about God and stuff. Encouraging to know someone like her as well, and to know her life story. Haaa =)

Since i had the chance anyway, popped by another friend and had a chat ._. Was kinda looking out during the trip, but sheesh, got so many people around and stuff, didnt dare and kinda gave up. But owells, in the end had this bloody long convo through the night, shared a few secrets, preached some introspective thoughts and well, lol. Yeap.

Flight home, had those random flight chat with the person beside. He was a CEO of a manufacturing for branded apparels. Talking to him about family and life issues of the modern day world, how many people take things for granted, family, time, comfort and even life itself. Haha interesting experience.

And yea. =) sums up pretty much my trip, quite slipshod though, was gonna rush this as I felt shouldn't drag this anymore but heh ._. HAHA plenty more bahz.

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The Abscene or Inability
Sunday, December 19, 2010

Feeling kinda distraught again. Feel as though I'm being judged once again. Over a topic that has rewrite itself over and over again.

The way I connect with people. Or more correctly so, the way I CANT connect with people.

I do admit I have an issue with the way I cant connect well with people, and often residing in my own world of deep thoughts. For that which many people complain to me about and very much so for others who feel that I tend not to return much to them as a friend, in terms of talking to them and stuff.

I'd admit I see no value in small talk. It annoys me whenever someone ask me, "so what are you doing later? how's school?" and questions like that. I don't reject the importance of small talk, and I acknowledge that it serves as a foundational relationship builder. However, I see no importance in people asking me such questions, having do no good for me, nor me.

Maybe skip the issue on small talk. Connection perhaps. I know I have a problem with connecting with others, however simple or deep. People often raise that issue with me.

But the thing is, it's not me not doing it. It's me not knowing how to do it. Maybe people judge me seeing the surface me as someone sociable or ok, but they don't really know what's me struggling, and what's me appearing to fit the norm.

Most people are unaware of my past, just like how we hardly know a fragment of any others. Maybe that's why we assume, everyone's fine and there's no struggles. I know for myself, trying to connect with others is something I have no idea on how to, aside from relying and following study notes I have mentally jolt down from observing. But the point is, it isn't real.

I get tired of trying to fit society's standards. I acknowledge there is a certain balance to meet, but it comes to a point where, if I had to be all sociable and connect-ish, it'll require a whole lot of selflessness, to discard the way I am, in a bid to connect with the people if necessary. And then, I question how genuine that relationship is.

But no. A genuine relationship requires mutual give and take by which, my complete discarding of self to connect would only ironically nullify the realness of who the person I am.

And if ever the brought up the issue of me trying to fit the norm, right. I understand, but hey, c'mon. Be real. Who's gonna accept you if you're gonna be all "reclused and chimly individualised". The problem is, no one is. However, there is a balance as well, me accommodating people, and vice versa.

But once again. People tell me I should accommodate the necessity of small talk in building relationships, that I understand. But in my inability to do so, it comes to a point where I question myself, so all this talk about accommodation, in the very end, Who's accommodating who? Me being like them, or them being me?



What if I told everyone I am autistic. Will people be more understanding as to how I find it difficult to connect with people.

May not be accurate, but say if I was one with the inability to communicate to people, however, have learnt to cognitively communicate what's inside me to those around. It may not be a genuine emotional message, but it's what I've learnt. A bit like how they use images, I use scripts.

You know, in a certain way. I think. We're forcing to these autistic kids to fit into our ways of communication. Maybe that's why we get so frustrated every time they choose to do it another way.

After saying all these, I may not be autistic, but I do in my own ways struggle with certain inabilities. However, neither am I doing nothing about it. 2 years, and I have been working and practicing, what others had easily developed, and hopefully not assumingly taken for granted it doesn't happen to all.

But my point is, can people be less judging and more accepting? Can we see pass the absence and look at the struggles? Can we in our favour for accommodation, demonstrate it?

Don't just judge what people are or are not doing; Understand why.

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Battle of The Self - Pt2
Friday, December 17, 2010

Continuing from Part 1...

Figured that since there's nothing being done after so long, I must as well moved on and do something. I decided instead to help someone for once, after all everyone's waiting for someone. so hence my path to be that blessing for someone with everyday of my life. Similarly and concurrently for myself, I picked up my shattered pieces and carried on.

Doing the right thing always costs, it ask for one to lose himself, but in the life that one loses he gains it. Much of my most enjoyable moments of true happiness comes from seeing the blessing in others, rather than the short-lived euphoria from getting a selfish gain. Love is meant for giving, not keeping.

Well this path gets lonely at times, having few people to share this faith and journey and even lesser that would walk this path with me. Long gone are the times I waited passively for someone to help and rescue me. Though sometimes, it gets tiring walking alone. Been fighting on my own and working alone, learning to grow up, pushed forward by the knowing of what's right, even if it costs. It's been long since I last felt helped by any other. Often it's a lone journey of just picking myself up whenever I fall, brushing my wounds and walking on. I've slowly forgotten what it feels like to be loved and supported by another.

However, Im so ever grateful that now I am blessed to have a companion to walk by my side. Keeping watch of me, inspiring me with his very own path of righteousness. I thank God really. I need a friend, one who is true, to do what's right for me, pulling me back on track, reminding me of the righteousness that I have lived for. On my other side sits another companion, deep in thought, someone who plays a part in furthering my thoughts, challenging my values, yet an opposer to my faith. One that reminds me of my own, and for me to bring back. I've come to realized, that I no longer feel that loneliness I once felt throughout my life.

 This brings me to another chapter of my goals as well. All these would not have been possible without God's grace. I often boast of it as my doing, my works, my credit, but I fail to see how far, a failure I am in comparison to anyone. Being selfless just 1 choice more doesnt put me in any place closer to perfection than others. I can only take comfort in my own effort in whatever choices that I made of what's right. Out of my consciousness of my growing pride, saying all this doesnt put me any higher above anyone. I am fully beset with problems of my own, some as great as everyone.

However it is in my struggles, that I am reminded of the fragility and weaknesses of human, and with my faith and personal relationship with God in focus, I persevere on. Same for the times, that I've felt alone, I was only as alone as I made myself to be, never seeing that support that carried me through, the wings that picked me up, and the voice that whispered to my heart. A personal faith in Him, that fails to express itself in words, knowing that all that I do, will be for a greater purposes, even if it cost. for the rewards are far greater, and incomparable to the suffering we will deem worthwhile, for the intangible, valuable gifts that will be bestowed unto us.

Its not just a pursuit of good deeds, but a deeper desire to love people with a genuine love as demonstrated by God's love for me, as so does He for everyone else, a unconditional, undeserving love.

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The Battle of The Self - Pt1
Thursday, December 16, 2010

Was thinking about my standard for life. I think I have pretty strict ones, not that I fully comply with them. My high standards calls for selflessness in every act. And this measure goes down to every thought, feeling, action. Every single motive for every choice. Well sad to say of course, that I fail by far what I have taken on, but I have no intentions on stopping. It's an infinite pursuit for perfection, one that I will never achieve, but one that I know is right for me.

Selfishness will never satisfy. Whatever the reason. In selfishness, the only immediate recipient is the person himself, no matter how much we deceive ourselves in thinking it's the best for everybody. In truth, it's just the best for us. Be it if we get the most, or being comfy-est. In my theory, that's the problem of every problem in life. Selfishness. The antithesis to love. Selfishness seems pleasurable at first but it will always lurk there.

Say for the problem in feeling unappreciated, or lacking the recognition. It stems from a selfish desire to be known, for the existence of the self in another's life acknowledged. But for one only focused on receiving, an endless struggle of incompetency and feeling devalued by others will forever plague one. Until one overcomes the focus on the self, and does things out of a love for others, regardless of the returns, can one be able to break free from the problem.

Insecurities as well, the easier route in life, ironically, leading one to a constant attitude self-pitying and devalue from the people around. Whereas living in lies would be so much simpler, albeit non-beneficial, it always takes one to look pass himself to trust, and have faith in others, and one's existence. though it's pretty hard. The focus on securing one's comfort will be sieged by constant doubts.

And so, with my morals and philosophy in life, I cant help but be drawn to do what this calls in me. I find myself strongly drawn towards having to do the right thing, and it agonizes my flesh like a thorn. Doing the right things often is pretty darn hard. But heh, all amidst the constant whining and fussing, I'll say from my inner being that, this is just what's that needed to be done, whether I like it or not.

The attitude of doing what's right often ask one to take up selflessness. I believe that undeniably that one has the voice inside knowing what's right and what's wrong. and it goes beyond just how much we'd like it or not. Certainly these words are often not met with a positive response, understandably, it goes against the natural self. it' so much easier to hate someone than to love a person's who "difficult" to love.

Maybe to clarify, that act of selflessness doesn't enforce complete and total surrender to doing things for others outwardly. Part of being selfless ensures that one is in suitable maintained condition to continue perform in one's task. In a sense, there's isn't a point in starving oneself so as to feed the hungry, unless the situation really calls for it. There should at least be a minimal maintenance for oneself, including taking ample steps to take care, such as sleep, rest and food. This also includes opening an intake of love, support and sometimes allowing yourself to rest, emotionally and mentally. Neglect to oneself would be a selfish act. I would draw the line as what's necessary before moving on again. Dwelling in a place of comfort increases ones inertia and complacency.

Part 1 end.

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Fragment of love
Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Taking the faith in having this deep part of me healed, I'll bring myself into that place, where my inner demon will awake. A power growing stronger each day.

I sincerely hope that I'll just take what that I need, and nothing more. I don't want to fall into that path of selfish indulgence, and I want to uphold that strict moral standards I have set for my life. As best that I can, I'll hope that I will not go pass the line, if not, without straying too far.

Thank you so much for allowing me that place. If you really want the best for me, that please watch over me, and protect me from doing the wrong things. I know it'll be hard for you, but I hope you'll be able to see pass what I might become for what I lived for. What I held in truth, that would be ultimately good for me. Don't give in to my evil side, even if it seems good to do so.

And you, my bestie. You know my ways, you know my heart. I ask that you'll keep me on track with what I need to do. I might resist a bit, but for every inch I deviate off please shoot me down. Don't allow my selfish side to take over. Kill me if you have to. I'd rather die that to live selfishly. I entrust my life into your hands alright.

With this, I enter into that realm, of a past neglect, harbouring a long-time need, growing and manifesting as a hungry demon. With all I can, I'll do my best to hold it off, or if better, destroy it. And thus, I hope I'll be able to retrieve that lost fragment of my heart, and making it back in one piece.

The battle lies ahead, I'm afriad.

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Off to Cambodia
Monday, December 13, 2010

Heh, gonna be off to Cambodia for a week =)

Prepared a few posts so that my blog wont be dead for the week, so thoughtful of me right HAHA.

Anyway, this is just to write a few notes to a few special peeps. To make up for the lost voice for the week hehe.

--- First one, to my HERO.

Heh, gonna miss you for a week. First time being separated, =( we gonna be like lovers apart HAHA rubbish. But heh, I got a mission for you okay Mwuahaha. Proud of the step you have taken. I think it's really quite a big thing for you, to do something so close to being extremely vulnerable to that side of you. Hahax. Hopefully this week you can ask him out for a meal alrite? Just you and him. =) And yes, I'm gonna expose you so you better do it. May your conscience bug you forever and ever.

and my love for you is renewed every single day, I really am beyond blessed to have a treasure like you =) Stand strong in the coming days alrite, this is where you'll have to be indepedent for yourself

Loving you each day and every hour. *Hugs*


--- Next to the CHUBBYCHEEKS.

Ha stupid girl. Dun feel so bad about yourself alrite. Heh, you idiotic banana, I really enjoy you as a friend, and beyond all your stupid perceptions of yourself, I think you're really great, and someone admirable in my eyes.

You have that strength in you that is present. A quality that I respect, and even in your problems, that you may not face up, you keep them in the awareness of your mind. As well as your moments of selflessness in you speaks of the good in you.

So really, don't keep putting yourself down, especially in reference to me. I know what I see, and I believe and have the faith in you, which is why I chose you. Each time you doubt yourself, at least remember that, there's still one person at least who values you, and who you are.

And erms, I don't really care a damn of how bad you were back then. We all make mistakes. Even with your flaws, all I know is that currently, you're good, and chim, in my eyes, or that I choose to see it in another perspective. Come on, you know that for yourself too =)


--- Finally, to my JIEJIE

I'm glad to have a new found love. I wanna cherish this relationship I have with you, and not take it for granted.

Hope and pray you'll stay strong through the week. Perhaps take this time to think into your own life? I wished I could be there for you though. Do take care of yourself alrites.

My wish and hope for you would be to resuscitate the person inside you. I really want to bring back the essence of life to you, because I know somewhere, the real you, is hidden deep inside. And that's the soul whom I really love.

Owells, look forward to building something new together, hopefully things will improve. Heh. Gonna miss you lots ._. Loving you still, from far away.

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A Mark In History
Saturday, December 11, 2010

So much as happened today, I can never fill it up with simple words.

Today, at an interesting date, 12/11/10, leaves a mark in my history.

Calls for my third time, for me to bare open the insides of my heart, tugging at every heartstrings. Bringing the truth from inside me, allowing that inner voice to speak. Was harder than ever, requiring an effort stronger than ever before. And with it, leaves it mark on my life, forever.

I'm glad I got you out today. Glad we managed to talk so much. Glad that I can experience so much, and mostly, glad that things have once brought me to that place of wanting to pursue life once again with increased zeal.

Kinda failed badly taking almost an hour just to mouth those simple words, but I finally did, and with it a whole chapter of my life story dedicated to you. Everything; hope, dread, rest, friendship, love, affections, fears, needs.

Never will ever imagine myself saying it, in my thoughts of me coming across this issue. And now you're my first. Z.o.m.g. Yeap. Though I don't want anything out of it, but just that it was with the flow anyway. Wanna keep things objective, and within my path for righteousness, and doing what's right, I shall fight harder against the very shadow self of my selfishness. Hope you'll keep accountable for me as well. My gratitude for allowing the grasp of your hand and the comfort of your presence by my side. It's a heartfelt dream.

I discovered a lot more through the discussion as well, something I've always enjoyed. If only time would stand still for me to reap all the treasures. I learnt more about myself, and the dynamics working within, and hope I will be able to put it to good use, with the constant refinement of myself. Instead of waiting for someone to help, why not be the help to others. After all, everyone's waiting for someone.

And for all my hopes to you, that you'll live on. Not solely because it appears objectively wrong, but to have that essence of life, the very act of living it, in your hands. I pray I'll never have to bear the burden of that message and it's irrevocable meaning. The only thing I'd ever wish for you, is to be able to stand up at life, living victoriously. And I pray you'll find your miracle, your friends, your life.

With regards, I honestly admit that this would increase my awareness and consciousness of effort, undeniably making it harder. But I do all this, not being the best, but promising my best, without as much expectations and full acceptance, whatever the trials and hardship, whatever the pain and exhaustion, I do it out of my love for you and for no other reason. Hope I can be a better person, for God, for you, and for all the other people out there.

"I spent too much time thinking what was taken from me, I forgot what was given to me"

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Making every moment count
Friday, December 10, 2010

Once again this time of the year brings a whole lot of contemplation.

With a new year just round the corner, I often look back, and look through the years of my life, reflecting on what life has been.

You know, I really really, don't want year 2012 to come. Not because the world doomed to end there lol, but I don't want to see the day where I take my last step out from Poly, with nothing but memories, as we all part ways, entering the next phase of our lives.

Everything from this season, one that has impacted my life in so many ways, from growth, to healing, acceptance, wisdom, miracles, friends, passion, community, love, depression, goals, altruism, life, depression, good hearts, struggling ones, impact, guidance, respect, morals and a whole heck lot more. This 2 years, has been such a great time in every measure possible.

So to me, having to put all this behind, my passion for sign language, and friends, those true friends I've met, the miracles of my lost hope, and newer ones for me to explore and understand. I don't know how I'll be able to leave all this behind, and move on. Maybe I'll break down?

Having to enter Uni, will I lose everything that I have now? Would I be the only one moving my hand in weird contortions unrecognizable to anyone else? Will I be able to find like minded friends, and being able to connect to them in a deeper manner? Would I find myself a community of people with just as awesome hearts as those that I know now? Will I be able to rebuild everything and all the valuables.

It kinda makes me wonder in life, all the different phases we go through, primary, secondary school. Now poly, and in the future, Uni, and the working life. All the different experiences and memories we take with us along the way. What do they mean? That old man who walks pass me, what's his life like when he was our age? What we're gonna be like when we're old?

I think, I don't really want to end things, I dun mind having it on replay. But life has to move on doesn't it. But I think, endless worrying about the future would be a complete waste of time and energy, when right now there's the present for me to be in. So yea, quit all the thoughts, and jus live for the present, with the future in mind. Cherish every moment, making them count.

Don't wait till it's too late, sometimes, life just doesn't grant you that second chance.

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Never Been So Dangerously Close

Well. Heh, so must has happened in a week and I've barely much time to write it all down. think I prolly just skip things.

To start it off, I think pertaining to my previous post. Heh, went thru Sunday, and was learning about how impossible one is to perfection, and we're barely near a single mark of it. And everything is imperfect in its way of having done nothing but by and through the grace of God ._. Sometimes we overate ourselves way too much. thinking what we do is solely by our credit. There's so much focus on myself, it's about me being like this, me doing that, and bla bla bla. .__. Self-centeredness. But heh, as much as I'm just me, still gotta fight against the 'flesh' to do what's necessary. Beyond what's within me. And then, I'll know it's not by my own strength.

Did something pretty freaky last nite. Actually said a whole lot of stuff I wished I didn't had to, but heh, stupid truth. Makes me do silly things I don't like to. But woah, I said a whole lot of stuff, and hopefully brought myself to a new level within but yea. hope it does good for you and me ._. Thanks for your sharing as well, and giving me that moment to be in.

Ha, probably gonna put a small part just for him but lolz. I'm still glad to have you in my life. I'm grateful for every single day I'm with you, and whenever I think of you lol. I'm like some stupid dude that's in love with my best friend, because he's the best thing that I'll ever have. And yea, I love & like him so. Lol. He's beyond awesome. lololol. Love you for being my friend, the best and awesomest one ever. ^^

Gonna be off to Cambodia for the week starting Monday. Zx says I might be coming back different lol, not sure but heh, at least it'll mean it's something impactful =P Just hope I don't become suckier.

Pretty good, I quite like that each night when I reflect on the day, I'm proud of myself to know that I've at least done one thing good for the day. Not to boast, but yea =) Hope I can continue to keep it up. 365 days = 365 blessings. How cool is that? =D

Anyway. Now that things are this way, it's gonna be a new struggle for me each day. Constantly bombarded by it. Each day I am hounded by the infinite possibilities, the devious fantasies and all that wild imagination. Those thoughts, growing stronger by the days, burning away at my resolve. The allure of it, so easily taken in, now only held back by moral fears. I am, this close, to falling off my sanity to this matter. All it takes is a single sentence. One short phrase, and I'll get everything, but how good it really is, both for me and that, I have my doubts. I cant believe how close I am to falling off this. Should I fight it out, or just succumb to it? I've lost my moral reasoning in this. Overwhelmed by the bulk of emotions, engulfing my heart and mind. Is it really possible? All these selfish desires right before my hands. It only requires me to do just a simple thing, and it'll all be changed. I've never been so dratting dangerously close to facing such matters before.

I'm afraid.

. I might fail
. I'm too selfish
. I can't do it right
. it's wrong
. it'll open a side of me I don't need to
. I'll fall deeper into it
. I'll abuse you
. it's a dream come true
. I do more harm
. I'll be breaking my own morals
. lose my self


Owells, at least to make things better, I found my Christmas wish hahaha =P

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Difference does not always denote problems
Sunday, December 5, 2010

Heeeh, am hoping to keep my emotions under control and not let it get over me.

Owells, here goes.

The topic of me being that way with friendship kinda came up again. There's so much in my mind I don't even know where to get started

The social part first maybe.

It's kinda about my low social capacity and sociableness once again. Hais. Well, I kinda haven't been talking much to many people, or replying stuff and things. To everyone I think. Pfft. Currently at a introverted low, where I need my space to recover. And, hais. to all those talking to me and me not replying in msn or sms, kinda sorry ._. zzz I feel repulsive whenever I have to come up with a reply I'd rather forget it.


Well well well.

Say, I have a certain system in me, A certain friendship system. which I often choose to hide from ppl. Maybe that's what's the thing that's closed up which ppl see of me. But heh, it's for a purpose. Most people cant accept the truth in that secret. The truth itself is often too brutally harsh for many. And in the end, they end up feeling hurt, and well mostly affected and in the end walking away. Don't know which affects more, the false experience, or the truth which they find hard to accept.

People, will overestimate themselves, the depth and magnitude of the issue. Sometimes it isn't just about judgment, but changed perceptions. Though they may not judge me, they treat me differently afterwards.Which leads me to give up on telling people these things about me. It'll be better to create a somewhat "false" world for everyone else who knows me to stay in. True, it's a facade, but it's just so they're happier, pretty much since they cant handle the truth anyway. It beats telling everyone everything and being alone. Sometimes, I'd rather we don't be friends and save me all the trouble of explaining myself. Heh, don't get me wrong, it's just this secret dynamic in me. Not that I'm keeping everything secrets. In fact I think I'm exposing a hell lot about myself as compared to others. Just that people always think it isn't enough. Whatever.


And heh, the thing is, I don't need help, I just need acceptance. Acceptance for the way I am. Acceptance for the way things are. And with all these on replay, how am I to keep opening up only to be rejected and to face their disappointments of me. Even if I could find those with nonjudgmental acceptance, I would be constantly facing the disapproval of the people around me. I'll treat it as tact in who to tell, and who, the majority, not to tell. No point saying it all, having people applaud me for my courage, and with that nonetheless turning away. I've said it a few times, most met with hurts, and shock. Their hurts mind you. My secret doesn't just affect me, it affects others. Well, some left, a sheer minority stayed, or came back after a while, probably void of any expectations ever since knowing that side of me. After awhile, I kinda figured it requires a whole lot of trust, faith and selflessness for one to do so, which apparently many people lack.

I think I ain't quite the friendship material anyway. Though many people would vouch for me, saying I'm somewhat good, or nice, or at least I'd like to think so. "Your friends, they really like you eh". Perhaps. It's my honour, though I'm sad to say, I cannot reciprocate that much of a friendship to them that they hope out from me. There's where I mean I aint friendship material. I'm unable to cope with the mutuality of friendship for many many people. I barely initiate interactions, or to understand them more. Or that I just as well lack the social functions to interact with people easily.

Say with a complex system limited to a social capacity of about 5 people in my mind, anything beyond takes extra effort for me to do so. Yea, like starting up small conversations with random people. Don't get me wrong, it doesnt mean everyone else other than that 5 is a burden. Heh, I don't intend to be selfish to just demand people to come to me. It's required for me to step out of my comfort zone sometimes to do what's necessary, and its a good thing. However, it's those times, where I'm just responding, or having to act sociable even to the people around me, when I'm especially tired, mentally, emotionally, or socially that makes it the burden. I'm pretty sure this is gonna generate some misunderstandings with many, but hey, that's why this whole issue on the secret is a problem. People cant handle it well enough without being strongly affected, or going to an extreme.

I think it's the expectations that kill. I already have a pretty low room for 5, and everyone's vying for that space, in terms of interacting with me. Casual friends here and there, and soon in time, I'll be burnt out once again. The problem comes when people expect something out of me. No, don't give me bullshit on someone having little or none. Many people are unaware of how we actually impose expectations on others. And to me, many people ask of my time and effort for interaction, something they are unaware of how hard it is for me, especially at certain periods. And when everyone ask, I can only give so much with this limited resource, some even get none, but heh, in the end, some people feel sad, or upset about me not being enough a friend. And yes, shut up, we don't realize the amount of times we get that with others. But heh, seeing people get disappointed about me doesnt make me feel any better. And hence the minimal contact with some. You don't get hurt, I don't get hurt either. And yes, I select my friends. In a somewhat bid to protect them, and myself from all the negative shit that could possibly happen, in time.

Say I use the analogy of a room, with a sitting space for 5 excluding me. To everyone, I'm just another person or friend in their life. To me, they're a waiting list of people for me to attend to. A current 5 in my immediate field, and many more rippling out in circular queues. At anyone time I can only process 5 interactions at one go, and with the overwhelming people outside, I find it hard to keep up. And it's get tiring. When I need to get out of my room to respond to some of them outside. Sometimes, it's necessary, sometimes it's unneeded, or that I don't see a required need for my immediate attention. which is why I 'dao' people sometimes. I don't have that energy.

So why not prepare and say hi to the next 5 in line? Prompted by someone. My problem to that is, how much of that boundary is defined by me, and not the expectations of others. If I said my limitations was 5, plus a few more whenever I have the energy to, and now you ask of me if I could make an extra effort to those outside waiting. Valid, I guess, that I should be responsible to those who are indeed waiting for me to respond, or to be in a processing of friendship. But heh, the problem is, what about the next 5? If I make 10% extra effort to the next 5, then what about the next next 5? Won't they feel it's unfair for them that I'm not making time for them too? What seems like extra in the present often goes unappreciated and taken for granted in the future. It would be as though that extra 10% was already the norm. Why not add another 10%? It's the typical selfish nature of people to see what they can get out of something.

Heh, and to clarify with all those buffoons I can probably forsee misunderstanding these, I enjoy with my best of ability, being able to be there for another. I don't see it as a burden, or anything. In fact, it's my honour too, and pleasure. However, for those who take it for granted, it's a burden, when this effort of mine is taken for granted, and instead becomes something you think I ought to be doing for you, or sometimes for the sake of entertainment as some people think me to be, and then get all sadded and stuff when I'm being unresponsive and not as meeting up to what you thought of me, that's when it's troubles me. I enjoy what I do, even if it costs me, thought seldom, which I don't mind at all. However, all I sincerely ask for the times where I just need my own time, for quietness, to be alone, and that I get to be so. The introverted side of me, needing that recuperating period from all that giving. I just need time to recharge my depleted resource. Really, I have my moments where I need a break, and just away from everything, or at least on a lower profile basis. I don't need you people asking me to be on my fullest always.

Finally, in the focus of these 5 people in my mind. Well, they are interchangeable, meaning that they don't always have to be the same person, nor do they always have to be rotating. Often the names that first come to mind when thinking. Some of these spots are taken by good friends on a long term basis, kinda like this always reserved for them, (it's only natural), others people whom I've placed importance or interest on, and well, the rest to be mixed about with, which kinda explains there isn't much space actually. Yes, for everyone else. But heh, doesn't mean you aren't so high up my friendship scale means I don't value you. For whatever that I can do, I'll do which I can.

Well, really, for you people that are in those positions at that point of time, it kinda does honestly mean I value you more, and the value of one not necessarily stays low nor high all the time, sometimes gotta make do for some other people and stuff, but I just want to let you know, for those in it, be it long term, short term, or temporarily, it is a moment where I'm all into you, and nothing you are or can do, is in anyway, a burden nor will it cost me. I don't want people holding back just because I'm not good or reciprocating all the time, in fact, I'd rather you skip all those fears of being a burden/extra/embarrassment and things like that and just be who you are. Even in your weaknesses. I'll be there for you, nonjudgmental and accepting. It's a level of intimate depth and I really don't want you holding back on anything. Unless you feel there isn't a point because I'll probably just shift you to the less important side later on then I've nothing to say.

And next, for those "outside" the room. Please, I don't want anyone feeling like burdens or sorts. I treasure each one of you, just that I have limited sources to go. And once again, if ever needed I'll be more than pleased to be of help or service. Be it a listening ear, a place to rant at, for counsel, or just to talk to. Really, it makes me glad to be able to and I hope people wont be holding back if they wish for it to be. The one and only thing I ask, is that when I have my needs, my serenity and aloneness, I beseech that you allow me my own moments for need.

But hey, I don't want people feeling like burdens ok. It's just a pathetic excuse to blame me for your own worries and fears because I already state myself to be open and willing. Neither do I want people getting wrong ideas and holding back afterward. Objectivity. That's the key. Especially for those too absorbed by themselves to understand my point. I hope you wont be one of them.

I learnt one thing though -
Not everyone is a problem. Some are different, and it's important that we accept them the way there are without imposing what's "normal".

Some function that way. There isn't any point trying to make them normal, but to understand them, and allow them to be themselves. Hope it helps me better understand you as well.

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Abscene
Saturday, December 4, 2010

Heh, was really bored and decided to randomly stalk some people.

Things were fairly interesting until I came across a certain name... Emo-ed. Kinda saddening how I've known that name for ever so long, yet knew nothing about him. Absolutely nothing.

Heh ._. guess who?

My own brother.

Lol, I think most people don't even know I have a brother or something, or whatever not. Not their fault I guess, maybe I've been living life as though I didn't had one.

Just scrolling through his facebook makes me realize how absent I am in his life, and his in mine. We're like two separate individuals brought together by conflicts, or perhaps a little gaming over the PS3.

._.

Am quite a failure. Over 16 years of life, I've hardly ever fulfill my role as an older brother, and in contrary, damaged his life more than anyone else ever could.

Since young, I've rained on him torrents of abuse. Tore his dignity with my deep cutting words, scarring into his mind his disgusted insignificance in my eyes, and physically overpowering him with brawls finishing it with another round of humiliation. Not like it was bad enough the family situation, I probably killed him bad enough to made life hell as it ever could.

Then, I felt like he was the worst guy ever, filled with pompous self-centeredness and an unreasonable grudge against the world.

Pretty much thanks to me.

Baaa, I myself was some horrible selfish scumbag back then, hopefully much lesser now. But argh... All the things I've done.

Things got better as time pass, no longer beating him, though arguments would pop up every now and then, and once again, all the wounds would be dig up to cut them deeper. I pretty much ruined his life back as a child. Marked himself as a loser.

Anyway, I'm glad to see that, life has took a turn for him this year. Changed, he has a totally new perspective to life, way much more positive. He's become quite successful, having lotsa of great friends, talented musician and with a future planned. Pretty happy for him.

We've stopped quarreling as well. Or maybe we've stop "living" together. Hardly any communication. We're further than strangers, aside with occasional short conversations. I feel like a darn bad brother heh, I don't even deserve to be called his brother.

Owells. I needa make more time to repair this broken relationship ._. And stop rejecting his requests whenever he invites me for a game. That's the least I could do... It's pretty much hypocritical of me if I'm good outside, yet nothing much at home.

Pfft, one of my biggest failures in life. For every nice thing I'm possibly capable of, I can't even do it for my own.

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Chain Reaction
Friday, December 3, 2010

Heeeh, internet speed is awfully sluggish today.

Suddenly things feel so meaningless. I think my time alone is often wasted either through idle gaming or mindless surfing of the net. Just that the thought is often evaded by all these zombie behaviour. Even through habitual intermittent periods, I randomly switch over to facebook, or locate a website in my head I could surf, only to realize I've done them all, I really don't have anything else to do.

The only things I can think of that I do productively with my time is when I talk to friends, which isn't much, or when I pen down my thoughts.

Since the web was down, kinda decided to talk to people. Not many people were online but nonetheless it made me felt pretty pathetic. Realize I ain't quite good at talking to people. Was thinking of anybody I could chat with but I figured much didn't know how to chat without it being too much scripted.

I think even with people, I pretty much lack interpersonal skills to be able sustain simple conversations without relying on guides and a mental script format as to what to say next. Decide not to talk to anybody in the end except for 1 or 2 friends whom I've more or less practiced in holding conversations.

And yet its funny someone ppl think me as someone sociable haha. It goes back to impersonality but nvm that. Maybe I'm dwelling too much into undue concerns of offending others, or a intrusion into space. I realize there's much I would like to know about one, but it often skips the primary step of small talk, which I greatly suck at. And then, I'm stuck at how to bring it up, how to talk.

Sometimes, I look at him, and wonder how the hell he does it so well. Being able to forge bonds despite his introvertness, and through it, being able to tap unto this connections and do what he's great at doing.

I wonder what I lack, the sociability in me. Not much good at relating to others, or perhaps it's my individualistic mindset that separates me from people. Sometimes I get so tired talking to people around me. Owells then, still working.


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I wonder...

would it make a difference in how people see and understand me if they knew about my past ._.


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Woots. I'm doing great currently, keeping the momentum at one deed per day. =) Glad with all those done. The unseen chain reactions of one act leading to another, it's just so rewarding to see blessings take place in people's life and it hopping on to another, and then to another. The beauty and power of a single act goes a loooong looong way =)

Oh, and heh, now been nicer and just affirming people randomly whenever I think of something nice or appreciated by them =) Why hold back, when simple words can brighten days and moods ^^


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An old secret reconstructed. Would three strikes count out? Glad it made a difference nonetheless. Boy are you retarded beyond belief. It feels like a superhero story xD


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Am happy and amazed to see you on your feet. Keep it going. Love that smile on your face. I've been waiting for a moment like this, where you'll pick up and persevere. Will always be here if you ever need.

Am proud of ya, stay strong and loving you still ^^


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One of these days Ima do a free questions day thing. Any questions asked. Pure honest replies ._. haha, I think it's fun and scary too =P Til then, or maybe a wish request for anybody to make any request lolol. wonder if anyone wud bother anyway xD

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Are you today, able to say to yourself, for to any other, that you've lived life as how it was meant to be, fully accountable for every action, word, thought, both for that which needed be done, and those ought not to. For every moment in life, not wasting precious time to melancholic dwelling, for every gift, cherished, and with abundance, shared. For every choice, an oath to do right, rather for selfish purposes. And if not, how much then, are you doing it, and to what extend should you be partaking of it. Life, is a constant pursuit of righteousness, holiness, godliness. A perfection one might never see, yet incorporeally attainable in much paradoxical means. It ultimately isn't about fulfilling perfection, it's about embarking on it that makes it powerful, and with meaning.

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