If you're going to do something good, do it quietly. It doesn't count if it's made known to everyone.
I've always struggled with this. Keeping my head low in humility versus fighting away the feelings of pride and self-righteousness.
Yet its so hard, then every time when I feel that I've done something of good worth, to humbly keep quiet and let the matter past. A part of me bursts out in attempt to seek affirmation.
On the other hand, it's so tiring, so lost, that I don't really know who I am to others. I dare to take a little faith that I'm somewhat good, but overall, I'm only notified when I've done something wrong, on the contrary, little for what's done right.
It's frustrating when I look at myself and all I can find is self-accreditation, unvalidated faith in myself without the knowing of my true worth to others. It's all make belief. And through the midst of events, I have to watch the balance between coping mech for self assurance and the false pride.
Oh heck this. I'm tired, I wish I can stop all these. I cant seem to overcomes those needs. I'm still too weak.
I still wish someone would look at me and tell me I'm something.
It’s weird sometimes. I find that I have a bunch of friends, who have certain degree of similarity. And for I strongly detest, is that seem to have difficulties managing themselves well. Not the way they behave or anything, but just the way they treat themselves as a person. It brings me a great deal of stress, every time I have to break down their response, only to find it isn’t for good purposes, but just to “keep safe”. And I especially hate how I cant relax when talking to them, having to keep a subconscious filter of what’s genuine and ignoring what’s of self-defeating purposes. Sometimes, I just get so tired of having to keep my guard up.
I’m tired really. You, you and you. Looking back, it’s you that have given me the most, and also done me the biggest damage. I’m not sure what to feel, but right now, all I know is I feel worthless. Hais.
On my side, I realized how much I feel rejected in the way I try and give to them as a friend. I made a gift with my heart, a first. It was returned. I offer to talk to you, you tell me to talk to others. When I think of something nice to do, you tell me not to bother. I know it’s not a lot, but why, why can’t you give me face. If you don’t like the gift, you can always accept it, and then throw it away later when I’m not aware. Yet when I choose to give you out from my heart, all I get is, “No need”, “Don’t want” and you reject me right there and then.
When I don’t feel like I’m a friend, it’s you who encourage me to be the friend. And when I believe in myself and try to be a friend, it’s you who make me feel like I’ve failed as a friend. Friends who push me to be a better friend for another, yet never allow me to be that friend for you. Asking me to give to one another, but when I take a bit of what I have and give it to you, you tell me you don’t want it. All I desire is to be a good friend to you all. Why is it the people who lifts me up, gives me support and hope are the same ones who crushes them.Like you're mockingly playing with me.
It isn’t to say you absolutely cannot refuse anything. I find that there are 3 different degrees of refusal. The first is really not wanting it, getting something you genuinely find no need for, or feel it isn’t appropriate to receive. The second is not feeling to accept it. Some naturally feel bad, others have find a difficulty in receiving, and its only human weaknesses. The final is the refusal by cause of defense, to reject based on anxiety. Especially when you need it yet you deprive yourself of it. I find that refusal of the first two categories is of understandable nature, and by it comes reciprocal acceptance of the giver. But of the last, it comes from and unnecessary self-neglect out of a bid to protect one’s anxiety. It’s once again of human’s coping mechanism, but its over focus on protecting the self causes hurts to parties who care.
All these rejection hurts a hell lot. Does this mean my gift is not good enough for you? We humans naturally take what we like or desire, and by this, does this indicate I’m not of enough worth for your acceptance. So I guess you only take what you want, and reject the rest of what I offer. Maybe I’m not the kind of friend for you. I know I’m not the best nor can I give the best, so in a way, my best isn’t good enough for you. In another way, your problems are bigger than my value as a friend. Sure it’s natural you have other priorities, why would I be of anything more important than that. I’m not so big or important anyway. People tell me I don’t need to be perfect for them, yet their response says otherwise.
All these years, while I’ve been thinking I was rejected by others, I’ve been trying to find the emotional charges to my unvalidated thoughts of people rejecting me. It’s heartbreaking to find that the rejection comes from the closest around me. You who make me believe in myself. You whom I try give me heart for. You whom I end up feeling not good enough for, coupled with a whole bunch of esteem issues. And since I’m not worth much to the people closest to me, why would I dare think I’m of any good and worth to the people outside. Afterwards you tell me how people are going to accept me if I reject myself to begin with. But then, for the moments I do, the core people of my life are my first wave of rejection.
Now I’ve realized. True, I always felt I was never good enough for the world. That was because you people were my world. I’ve always wonder why I felt this way. All these esteem issues, and never being good enough for anyone. You people have your own lives. There’s no need for me to complain about this. Since you all are my friends, it’s something I have to accept. I have my own failures too.
At least now, I feel liberated. After so many years of being tied down unknowingly to a constant realm of rejections, I finally know why. It hurts, but at least now I know, and able to tackle and work against all the issues and lies it has bound me with. I’ve found the knowledge of understanding myself more. My hope has died with your rejection, but new hope arises with this freedom I’ve found.
I feel more confident now. At least now I know that I feel rejected because of your defenses, and have generalized the emotional charges to everyone. But somewhat, others will be less likely to have such defenses in play. So ironically, it’ll be easier to give others than to give you. Now I know I wont have to fear so much when I approach others.
These few experiences has been a great learning journey for me. Looking back it's been quite a meaningful holidays. Everyday was well spent (except the last ._.) and I had something to take back from every project.
Grandioso, Camp Dreamworkz planning, Hi Club precamp, Hi club camp, HMS precamp, HMS FOW, and now up till Opening ceremony. There's so much I've grown along the way, areas I've development, opportunities explored, and potential tapped into. Sometimes, I regret not being able grow earlier, but its never too late heh.
I think one of the major components is leadership, the different placements of leadership, maybe I'll write on next time. Approaches to leadership, mentoring, guidance, managing groups, interpersonal skills, and analogical references for relating explanations.
All these is kinda making me quite hungry for newer experiences. This time I'm looking to develop my areas in leadership - to be able to hold the front and lead a group into something, to be able to stand up and be a light for a group, song signing - improving various aspects, expression, formation, as well as to refine song signing practice in keeping under strictly 3 sessions of no more than an accumulated amount of 6-7 hours and ready to go. Also wanna explore my individuality in terms of the way I do things, and my capacity for hype.
Really excited to learn more. signed up for Famine Camp as Facil, in Hi-O, Opening Ceremony, Intermediate instructors, much more avenues to learn from.
Feeling inspired to run another event for HI with all these I've learn. gonna push my leadership to higher limits. Lie gym, wanna carry more burdens and responsibility to train myself. Here we go, it's gonna be an exciting semester =D
Heh. I broke another promise again. Caused hurts. Hope you're better, the responsibility is mine.
But owells. Ironically pointless as it is, now I'm having my own damages to. Not sure how to believe in myself again. Sensitive spot for you, sensitive spot for me too ._. Hurt someone again. Despite it being such a simple thing, I failed. Well, I failed to fulfill something I said I would.
It doesnt make me feel any better knowing I failed. But of course at such a time, it's totally stupid if I were to focus on myself but ahh damn it. I'm not strong enough to look past myself sorry.
Promises. Something I terribly hate to make. Or commitments. I'm someone who often wont give a definitive yes to many things. Outings, commitment, promises. Just a "maybe, hopefully".
Promises are something important to me as well. I never like once the idea of giving false hope to anyone. I hate it that someone's hope is played out. Which is why I never like giving them my word. I know full well that I'm most likely to fail it.
I'm sure there's gonna be the statement of if its important then I should remember. Another is of as simple as making more effort to remember it. But heh. Guess what, both is very well a problem for me. Things always slip of my mind. Somehow. I have forgotten important things countless times, and for the effort of reminders and trying to remember, guess what? I forget them just as well. I make a note I forget to look at it. Yea.
And for that reason why I'm hesitant when it comes to promises. It's not that I'm insincere. Its because I'm sincere hence I don't dare put others at possible risk of hurts. Knowing full well, my flaws and being, and of how I forget things that easily. And also for that which is why I'm impatient. I want to do things now, because I'm likely to forget it soon after. Which I don't want.
And then all these sums up into being someone that doesnt give a sense of assurance or security or insincere in my ways. I'm afraid I might fail people, and hence I dont give full assurance least I raise hopes only to send them crashing further down. When when people tell me I'm not doing enough, I take a chance in believing in myself, hoping that I can succeed in these words I said I would do, sometimes a gamble. And when I fail, I end up hurting others, and appearing untrustworthy and insincere. When I want things to work out as soon as it can, im not being sincere again because I'm not bothering to wait. Either way no matter how I work round it, my failure brings me back to the same result, both in ways that I sincerely do my best and times I fail completely.
One reasons for turning myself into a half-assed friend that appears and disappears. I don't like commitment, I dont like the expectations or thoughts that I will always be there or a friend, and I very much detest the fact that I hurt others whenever I fail to deliver what I made them hoped in.
Sure enough, all these can be just excuses to cover my ass. I'm in no position to defend myself. I failed to begin with. Hais. Yet somehow, as easy as it seems I cant get myself over this stumbling block.
I really hate it. Failing is fine. Failing and hurting or affecting others is not fine to me. Hais, next time, screw all this promises. Hoping I can do it is pointless, the risk is too big. Similarly, if I'm not confident I can do it, then I'm not gonna promise it. Need to make sure I'm good enough before I give it. People may see me as someone insincere, un-assuring, and someone unreliable but I guess its just too bad for me then. It beats causing them those hurts. If only they knew though.
And for you, I wont promise not to make empty promises again, but I can only say I'll try never to. Its a sensitive spot for you and I dont want to be stirring it. Maybe you'll feel me as someone insincere, but I hope you'd understand this is as sincere as it gets, no promises, no chance for hurts. Besides, really, I'm not someone worth betting your hopes on. Sorry, you should find someone better instead.
Out of all the happenings, suddenly, I just feel like I need to buck up.
It's often events like this that inspires me to do more, every time I see a simple smile, a tinge of gratefulness and a life that will never be the same; something that builds the quality of life within. Once again, blessed as I am to see it coming from someone I felt disappointed towards. Nonetheless, lives were touched, people were inspired and I wish I can do the same.
I think I need an attitude check. I think I've been slacking for way too long. All the knowledge I have in my head, the values, the morals, nothing productive is made out of these. I'm too complacent, I should be doing more. When /I think about "trying", I can only say, I haven't tried enough? I don't think I'm tired, I'm just lazy. There's more that can be done.
More boldness, more initiative, more sensitivity. Grab every opportunity and make something happen. There's so much people and things waiting out there. Change begins with one. One person, one heart, one step.
Come on Nico, throw away everything of the past. Some were good, some were bad. Start anew with a fresh score and lets hit the mark again. Right now there's nothing done, so you gotta work harder to catch up.
Let's do this. Fight, learn, grow in any and every way possible.
They kill sometimes. Using the wrong words despite the right intentions sending wrong messages across. I wish I wouldn't be so flippant with my words. Sometimes I end up causing trouble from these I'm not supposed to say, or ended up portraying wrongly.
Misunderstandings. I hope it's all just a big misunderstanding. It hurts each time I think of how its happening again. But for now, to prevent all these, I think it's time I took a step down. Time to retire.
Second time joining camp comm, reprising a programmes/games team. But this time under a more pressurizing time of 1 month. Over the span from our very first progs meeting til the day we departed from the loft, the arduous journey has been laid out with tons of battles and learning experiences. It's been a great experience for all of us as camp comm, seniors and juniors, collaborators and friends, main comm and member. I feel proud and blessed to be able to fight and grow alongside so many of them in this event.
A quick round up of the camp, day 1 was pretty bad, with the mood going low, improving much more during day 2, and headed well at the third. We all didn't start well, but through the difficult times, we pulled through together.
To begin, I joined this camp comm to fight for it. I didn't want the same thing to happen again previously. With that, I took on him as my role model, doing what he would have done if in the same position, but of course not as good. I think I did well, meeting the objectives of why I came. It felt different though this time, as though I gave out a lot, yet felt strong enough to carry on. I remember trying my best to go out to different teams to support them, but could hardly do much since I was too busy doing up the progs. Nonetheless, I hoped I did manage to make a change somehow, and that no one had to suffer.
Overall, programs team was really quite a challenge. Our working styles was in all directions and I started off mostly pissed at everyone. But as much as even if I had the chance I was right, I wasn't doing enough to find fault with. But in the end learn to give in and work together.
There's much I learn during this camp. Leadership once again came in, pulling different strength and working together with them. At some point of time, I took up the role to lead groups and executions.
The team as well, was wonderful to work with, something memorable. We all had items that represent us. Abigail the Scotch Tape as she's a super good supporter in everything. Wen Yee the Pen as she's the one who makes everything hard on paper. The bridge between thoughts and execution. Timo poon's the rubber band. Brigning everybody together even after we drift apart. Timo Tan's the mystery box, surprising us with his creative antics. Me the Sharpener, criticising everything and digging out loopholes to improve things. Di sheng's the pencil box, with his skills to not only adapt but improve anything tasked on him. Together, with our different strenghts and skills, infused with our passion, it's the best team we could have.
Finally, quite meaningful to find a friend in her. It's nice to find someone almost closer than anyone else int erms of thoughts, if not possibly better. Hopefully things can work out, it'll be definitely lovely to work and talk with her about all these things. And too, I hope she can grow, into someone stronger, bigger, and a great leader with everything she's has. Thanks for letting me find yous, Abs., C. =)
I'm not that much a time person, but at times, "time" hits me in heartfelt appreciating yet sorroful ways.
One thing I never liked about time is that it's always moving. Never stops, and never does wait for anyone. Time continues even if you're sleeping, eating, crying, hiding, and even when you're dead busy rushing to complete something.
Then again, it's like a currency in a bank. 86, 400 seconds to spend on anything we wanted each day and every individual have their own bank account. Anything we choose to do will cost us some units, and sometimes, there wont be enough for the day.
Like an hourglass, time has its end. Something which I never liked. There's only that many years to childhood, and to each subsequent phase before one has to transit. At times, we are robbed off time to do things we don't want to, or in other ways, sacrifice.
This brings me back to reconsider the concept of time. I believe time is a human concept. It isn't real. Just like any other system of measurement, time gives us humans a way to comprehend and compartmentalize life. Because truly, I find that time is more than just ticking of on average 6,048,000 seconds. Its life. The flow of one event to the next. The moments where we think, eat, play, love creating an endless series of happenings. In the way we use "sometimes", "at times", "every time", what does the word "time" mean in each of these words.
Similarly the idea of eternity is beyond human comprehension. No man can fathom the expression of forever. We're all perhaps either in-built, or trained to have an end in mind. We know one day things will fall apart, relationships with cease and everything of the mind will fade. Death. Expiry. End. The closest thing we can make to eternity would be the desire for things to last forever, yet contradictory, we also fail to realize the mundane repetition of life, over and over again, like a joke repeated loses its charm.
Speaking of the wish for "forever", it's always been a dream of mine to spend my time with people forever. Obviously its impossible, and thus, I keep them in memory, revisiting moments in the past, tying a emotional knot to everywhere around, tripping them here and there occasionally, and reliving these moments again. I wonder if it is possible to bypass time, replay out scenes and spend time with them forever.
Ultimately, I believe there is something far beyond the measures of human time, something like a whole interconnect dynamic flow of energy, bringing what we know as destiny, something beyond the grasp of humans yet holds them together.
Under the bright clarity of the afternoon sun, the bus turned at the junction down the lane towards the streets.
"I'm back"
A wave of nostalgia hit me as I gaze out of the window at the scenes passing by. Primary school students running and playing in their sports tee bearing different colours; the school I grew up in. Next was this large field, presently half taken up by a new high class condominium. Then came the stretch of walls of another condominium lining the remainder perimeter of the street where I used to walk everyday to school. Finally, as the bus drove past the end of street into the slight curve, I saw myself playing and cycling in the void decks of the HDB's with my friends. Innocent days. The bell rang and there was my stop. I looked up into the sky, strolling slowly while embracing the warm environment of where my "home" was. That gleeful feeling as I walk by the corridor to my door, opening it slowly, peeking in, waiting for something to surprise me. And there it was, home.
It feels like I was coming home after traveling from some long long trip. Everything looked so fresh, replacing the stale memories in my head with newer ones. That sense of returning home, excitement growing with every step I take, bringing me closer to my doorstep. Have been away from home for 8 days already, the longest discounting overseas trips. It didnt feel any weird staying in school for so long though. Just that, suddenly at the comfort of my own home, I no longer have to be finding where everyone is, and what to do next. I'm not a fan of staying home with a mundane routine, but I've never realized how much this place meant to me.
I've learnt a lot, I've seen many people. But at the end of the day, all I want is to be able to sit back and enjoy the moment with my loved ones. I will find that place one day.
Had a debate over the importance of results versus process. Results weigh in on the final moments, what's been done and what's left at the end of the day, whereas processes focus more on the functions and elements that build up in the works of the set objectives.
I'll quickly make my stand. I downplay the emphasis that results should be the primary target.
In the world of excellence, the emphasis on results is greater more than ever. It's always on efficiency and output. Despite the technology scientist have invited to make life easier, life still has been just as busy if not more. The time we save from the assistance of technology, we use to it work more, which defeats the purpose of technology of making life easier.
Similarly, working on the system of meritocracy, the society demands a standard of excellence that may not apply to every individual. We're shaped in different ways of excellence, some interpersonal skills, some technical, some academic, and even so, it is incomparable as to how we're uniquely execute it with different pros and cons. But because of society's standards, we're pushed into a bottleneck of graded test by which only the cream of the crop benefit. Students that fail their academics are quickly put off as failures, yet some of them excel in many other skills and techniques unseen and unappreciated by others. This harsh attitude seeps into our daily lives and reliations as well. We expect the best out of each other, friends, projects and towards the goal of ordained perfection defined by society.
But perfection shouldn't be made or set by spociety, as society itself is imperfect. So many of us live under the self-imposed standard of never being good enough, yet many of us fail to realize the best of us already there. Physical looks, task performance, character traits. And it's because of all these that people are been marginalized, not just financially, but emotionally and socially. Those with less desirable abilities, looks are left out, or overlooked. The pride of Superiority.
In my opinion, one should not be judged based on his results but on the process. We're all human and we're bound to fail. In fact, failure should be a expected trait of human, not a category that separates those who make it 100% and those who don't fit in to what is being set. As long as he has tried and put in his best, he has succeeded, regardless of result. In fact, who are we to define if something is successful or not. More often than not, the path that builds life goes against the nature of financially or beneficiary success.
Results benefit the people, but processes builds them up. It's often through the tough and hard times that we grow, learn and gain something from it. Results need not always be of tangible source. One can successfully gain experience and a revelation life changer in the midst of his failed business.
One good example I use to back my stand is Singapore. We focus so much on getting good education, we push away every thing else for it. Civics morals have lost its place in the education system. Everyone is just pushing students to become better, work harder. Nobody really cares about what goes on in people anymore. And all we have now is head smart people without good hearts. and I strongly feel this is one of the reason for Singapore's moral decline.
Maybe another example I'll use is, Christianity. And I believe the basis of other teachings. People complain that Christianity has too many rules to follow. cant do this cant do that, must do this and that. But once again, its not about the results. Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more than going to garage makes you a car. It isn't about any of the actions that you do, but the heart behind it. You don't do all these because you're a christian. You do all these because you love others, and out of it you naturally want to do all these. You don't go to church every sunday because you have to. You do it because you want to. if it's about having to, then the act doesnt have any meaning to it.
Well, looking at processes is bound to be more costly than pursuing results, but it's bound to be more life enhancing, something that cannot be acquired by results. Like a ambitious millionaire who sacrifices his family versus a pauper who spends quality time with his family sharing weal and woe. Maybe if we can stop looking at what we can get and appreciate what we have, we're be able to appreciate at a simpler yet more meaningful way.
Process should come before result; then out from the nature of a well balance process produces excellence with substance.
With the people we love, we don't want to miss out on any chance to be with them. When we find an end to something, then do we cherish it more. It's value goes up as supply, or lifetime, cos down. But that's the problem with humans. We treat things as though they were infinitely going to exist, and live like there's surely to be a tomorrow.
We take things, and sadly, people for granted. Fortunately, or unfortunately, many of us have the grace of final few moments to make amends of whatever is left of our mistake, for example the diagnosis of terminal illness of a loved one s. Yet for some, they don't have that privilege or chance to redeem themselves, and precious things are forcefully taken away by choice, leaving only regrets in it's empty place; one of the worst things to have in life. Like the recent disasters, many don't even have a second chance. Don't waste it.
What if today was your last day? It would be the most important day of your life. What if you woke up the next day and found yourself barely awake. It would be a bonus. And what if we had a third chance, a fourth chance, and so on. The value of that bonus would be depreciated and soon, we would be back to living as did before.
If we lived as though we had rights, nothing would be worth anything. If we lived like we deserved nothing, everything would mean so much more. This isn't just mind tricks to make us feel better. Truly, how much of what we had really belonged to us. By hard work, some might argue, but many out there are working harder than any of us yet are having lesser than they rightfully deserved. All the more does all these things we thought should be ours be given to someone else. But no, we were assigned to it, and we should make good stewardship of what was bestowed to us by grace.
Live like there's no tomorrow. Leave no chances, and treasure everything.
For all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful, baby
You're the one who held me up Never let me fall You're the one who saw me through Through it all
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me, ooh, baby
You gave me wings and made me fly You touched my hand I could touch the sky I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall I had your love, I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe, I don't know that much But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me The light in the dark shining your love into my life You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
I'm everything I am Because you loved me
My mom told me this was one of her most favourite and inspirational song. It's beautiful.
Thank you for all those that stood by me, the name would be endless, and you will know better than I, I wish I could feel this way always, but more so, I wish I could let others feel it too. God, please give me the strength to be there for everyone, friend or stranger, loved or hated.
God, help be someone like that please.
Thanks Qi for the song >< this songs speaks so much of what I feel inside, and that which I know I need to do. Sometimes its just so hard. I'm not any great hero, but I wanna become stronger for everyone else. I will.
Have been writing only the bad stuff recently so here's to balance up with the normal parts of my life.
Things must have seemed like a big drama but yea, I really did got to the point of making that decision. I've always wished that could happen since young. But yea, she came for me the next day. I was reluctant but I couldn't refuse. Each step besides her weakens my will, and at the fork, i knew I couldn't bear for us to part and I gave in. It's a good thing overall, but as much as I'm unwillingly grateful, it points out my weaknesses again, Too weak to do any great good, and just as weak to do any bad. But owells, since it isn't time for me to go, I'll just continue fighting then.
Being darn busy planning camp programmes. Going back to school everyday and returning after 11. Time passes so fast the only thing I can keep track off is the days left to our semi-unprepared camp. The worries and problems never seem to end, but it's been a great learning process and experience to work alongside with my team =) And certainly way better than idling and rotting away at home =)
The walk home felt different today, The wide tentage now filled with brightly lit stalls selling food, potted plants, accessories and many more It;s been a long time since there was a pasar malam in my neighbourhood. Brings back a lot of childhood memories. I remember how I loved to roam the night market. Everything was so exciting, especially the toys and those games stalls. I remember also buying my bolster from there! And it's still with me now, for more than 2/3 of my life already =P hehex
Finally, for all you friends, sorry I don't have the time and energy to keep up with you all. Being drained by little things here and there. I hope there's still a chance for us, or I'll just fight more battles then...
After all these, I just wanna take a break from everything. No worries, problems and effort. Wanna sit back and chill with my friends mutually. If only.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
If you're going to do something good, do it quietly. It doesn't count if it's made known to everyone.
I've always struggled with this. Keeping my head low in humility versus fighting away the feelings of pride and self-righteousness.
Yet its so hard, then every time when I feel that I've done something of good worth, to humbly keep quiet and let the matter past. A part of me bursts out in attempt to seek affirmation.
On the other hand, it's so tiring, so lost, that I don't really know who I am to others. I dare to take a little faith that I'm somewhat good, but overall, I'm only notified when I've done something wrong, on the contrary, little for what's done right.
It's frustrating when I look at myself and all I can find is self-accreditation, unvalidated faith in myself without the knowing of my true worth to others. It's all make belief. And through the midst of events, I have to watch the balance between coping mech for self assurance and the false pride.
Oh heck this. I'm tired, I wish I can stop all these. I cant seem to overcomes those needs. I'm still too weak.
I still wish someone would look at me and tell me I'm something.
It’s weird sometimes. I find that I have a bunch of friends, who have certain degree of similarity. And for I strongly detest, is that seem to have difficulties managing themselves well. Not the way they behave or anything, but just the way they treat themselves as a person. It brings me a great deal of stress, every time I have to break down their response, only to find it isn’t for good purposes, but just to “keep safe”. And I especially hate how I cant relax when talking to them, having to keep a subconscious filter of what’s genuine and ignoring what’s of self-defeating purposes. Sometimes, I just get so tired of having to keep my guard up.
I’m tired really. You, you and you. Looking back, it’s you that have given me the most, and also done me the biggest damage. I’m not sure what to feel, but right now, all I know is I feel worthless. Hais.
On my side, I realized how much I feel rejected in the way I try and give to them as a friend. I made a gift with my heart, a first. It was returned. I offer to talk to you, you tell me to talk to others. When I think of something nice to do, you tell me not to bother. I know it’s not a lot, but why, why can’t you give me face. If you don’t like the gift, you can always accept it, and then throw it away later when I’m not aware. Yet when I choose to give you out from my heart, all I get is, “No need”, “Don’t want” and you reject me right there and then.
When I don’t feel like I’m a friend, it’s you who encourage me to be the friend. And when I believe in myself and try to be a friend, it’s you who make me feel like I’ve failed as a friend. Friends who push me to be a better friend for another, yet never allow me to be that friend for you. Asking me to give to one another, but when I take a bit of what I have and give it to you, you tell me you don’t want it. All I desire is to be a good friend to you all. Why is it the people who lifts me up, gives me support and hope are the same ones who crushes them.Like you're mockingly playing with me.
It isn’t to say you absolutely cannot refuse anything. I find that there are 3 different degrees of refusal. The first is really not wanting it, getting something you genuinely find no need for, or feel it isn’t appropriate to receive. The second is not feeling to accept it. Some naturally feel bad, others have find a difficulty in receiving, and its only human weaknesses. The final is the refusal by cause of defense, to reject based on anxiety. Especially when you need it yet you deprive yourself of it. I find that refusal of the first two categories is of understandable nature, and by it comes reciprocal acceptance of the giver. But of the last, it comes from and unnecessary self-neglect out of a bid to protect one’s anxiety. It’s once again of human’s coping mechanism, but its over focus on protecting the self causes hurts to parties who care.
All these rejection hurts a hell lot. Does this mean my gift is not good enough for you? We humans naturally take what we like or desire, and by this, does this indicate I’m not of enough worth for your acceptance. So I guess you only take what you want, and reject the rest of what I offer. Maybe I’m not the kind of friend for you. I know I’m not the best nor can I give the best, so in a way, my best isn’t good enough for you. In another way, your problems are bigger than my value as a friend. Sure it’s natural you have other priorities, why would I be of anything more important than that. I’m not so big or important anyway. People tell me I don’t need to be perfect for them, yet their response says otherwise.
All these years, while I’ve been thinking I was rejected by others, I’ve been trying to find the emotional charges to my unvalidated thoughts of people rejecting me. It’s heartbreaking to find that the rejection comes from the closest around me. You who make me believe in myself. You whom I try give me heart for. You whom I end up feeling not good enough for, coupled with a whole bunch of esteem issues. And since I’m not worth much to the people closest to me, why would I dare think I’m of any good and worth to the people outside. Afterwards you tell me how people are going to accept me if I reject myself to begin with. But then, for the moments I do, the core people of my life are my first wave of rejection.
Now I’ve realized. True, I always felt I was never good enough for the world. That was because you people were my world. I’ve always wonder why I felt this way. All these esteem issues, and never being good enough for anyone. You people have your own lives. There’s no need for me to complain about this. Since you all are my friends, it’s something I have to accept. I have my own failures too.
At least now, I feel liberated. After so many years of being tied down unknowingly to a constant realm of rejections, I finally know why. It hurts, but at least now I know, and able to tackle and work against all the issues and lies it has bound me with. I’ve found the knowledge of understanding myself more. My hope has died with your rejection, but new hope arises with this freedom I’ve found.
I feel more confident now. At least now I know that I feel rejected because of your defenses, and have generalized the emotional charges to everyone. But somewhat, others will be less likely to have such defenses in play. So ironically, it’ll be easier to give others than to give you. Now I know I wont have to fear so much when I approach others.
These few experiences has been a great learning journey for me. Looking back it's been quite a meaningful holidays. Everyday was well spent (except the last ._.) and I had something to take back from every project.
Grandioso, Camp Dreamworkz planning, Hi Club precamp, Hi club camp, HMS precamp, HMS FOW, and now up till Opening ceremony. There's so much I've grown along the way, areas I've development, opportunities explored, and potential tapped into. Sometimes, I regret not being able grow earlier, but its never too late heh.
I think one of the major components is leadership, the different placements of leadership, maybe I'll write on next time. Approaches to leadership, mentoring, guidance, managing groups, interpersonal skills, and analogical references for relating explanations.
All these is kinda making me quite hungry for newer experiences. This time I'm looking to develop my areas in leadership - to be able to hold the front and lead a group into something, to be able to stand up and be a light for a group, song signing - improving various aspects, expression, formation, as well as to refine song signing practice in keeping under strictly 3 sessions of no more than an accumulated amount of 6-7 hours and ready to go. Also wanna explore my individuality in terms of the way I do things, and my capacity for hype.
Really excited to learn more. signed up for Famine Camp as Facil, in Hi-O, Opening Ceremony, Intermediate instructors, much more avenues to learn from.
Feeling inspired to run another event for HI with all these I've learn. gonna push my leadership to higher limits. Lie gym, wanna carry more burdens and responsibility to train myself. Here we go, it's gonna be an exciting semester =D
Heh. I broke another promise again. Caused hurts. Hope you're better, the responsibility is mine.
But owells. Ironically pointless as it is, now I'm having my own damages to. Not sure how to believe in myself again. Sensitive spot for you, sensitive spot for me too ._. Hurt someone again. Despite it being such a simple thing, I failed. Well, I failed to fulfill something I said I would.
It doesnt make me feel any better knowing I failed. But of course at such a time, it's totally stupid if I were to focus on myself but ahh damn it. I'm not strong enough to look past myself sorry.
Promises. Something I terribly hate to make. Or commitments. I'm someone who often wont give a definitive yes to many things. Outings, commitment, promises. Just a "maybe, hopefully".
Promises are something important to me as well. I never like once the idea of giving false hope to anyone. I hate it that someone's hope is played out. Which is why I never like giving them my word. I know full well that I'm most likely to fail it.
I'm sure there's gonna be the statement of if its important then I should remember. Another is of as simple as making more effort to remember it. But heh. Guess what, both is very well a problem for me. Things always slip of my mind. Somehow. I have forgotten important things countless times, and for the effort of reminders and trying to remember, guess what? I forget them just as well. I make a note I forget to look at it. Yea.
And for that reason why I'm hesitant when it comes to promises. It's not that I'm insincere. Its because I'm sincere hence I don't dare put others at possible risk of hurts. Knowing full well, my flaws and being, and of how I forget things that easily. And also for that which is why I'm impatient. I want to do things now, because I'm likely to forget it soon after. Which I don't want.
And then all these sums up into being someone that doesnt give a sense of assurance or security or insincere in my ways. I'm afraid I might fail people, and hence I dont give full assurance least I raise hopes only to send them crashing further down. When when people tell me I'm not doing enough, I take a chance in believing in myself, hoping that I can succeed in these words I said I would do, sometimes a gamble. And when I fail, I end up hurting others, and appearing untrustworthy and insincere. When I want things to work out as soon as it can, im not being sincere again because I'm not bothering to wait. Either way no matter how I work round it, my failure brings me back to the same result, both in ways that I sincerely do my best and times I fail completely.
One reasons for turning myself into a half-assed friend that appears and disappears. I don't like commitment, I dont like the expectations or thoughts that I will always be there or a friend, and I very much detest the fact that I hurt others whenever I fail to deliver what I made them hoped in.
Sure enough, all these can be just excuses to cover my ass. I'm in no position to defend myself. I failed to begin with. Hais. Yet somehow, as easy as it seems I cant get myself over this stumbling block.
I really hate it. Failing is fine. Failing and hurting or affecting others is not fine to me. Hais, next time, screw all this promises. Hoping I can do it is pointless, the risk is too big. Similarly, if I'm not confident I can do it, then I'm not gonna promise it. Need to make sure I'm good enough before I give it. People may see me as someone insincere, un-assuring, and someone unreliable but I guess its just too bad for me then. It beats causing them those hurts. If only they knew though.
And for you, I wont promise not to make empty promises again, but I can only say I'll try never to. Its a sensitive spot for you and I dont want to be stirring it. Maybe you'll feel me as someone insincere, but I hope you'd understand this is as sincere as it gets, no promises, no chance for hurts. Besides, really, I'm not someone worth betting your hopes on. Sorry, you should find someone better instead.
Out of all the happenings, suddenly, I just feel like I need to buck up.
It's often events like this that inspires me to do more, every time I see a simple smile, a tinge of gratefulness and a life that will never be the same; something that builds the quality of life within. Once again, blessed as I am to see it coming from someone I felt disappointed towards. Nonetheless, lives were touched, people were inspired and I wish I can do the same.
I think I need an attitude check. I think I've been slacking for way too long. All the knowledge I have in my head, the values, the morals, nothing productive is made out of these. I'm too complacent, I should be doing more. When /I think about "trying", I can only say, I haven't tried enough? I don't think I'm tired, I'm just lazy. There's more that can be done.
More boldness, more initiative, more sensitivity. Grab every opportunity and make something happen. There's so much people and things waiting out there. Change begins with one. One person, one heart, one step.
Come on Nico, throw away everything of the past. Some were good, some were bad. Start anew with a fresh score and lets hit the mark again. Right now there's nothing done, so you gotta work harder to catch up.
Let's do this. Fight, learn, grow in any and every way possible.
They kill sometimes. Using the wrong words despite the right intentions sending wrong messages across. I wish I wouldn't be so flippant with my words. Sometimes I end up causing trouble from these I'm not supposed to say, or ended up portraying wrongly.
Misunderstandings. I hope it's all just a big misunderstanding. It hurts each time I think of how its happening again. But for now, to prevent all these, I think it's time I took a step down. Time to retire.
Second time joining camp comm, reprising a programmes/games team. But this time under a more pressurizing time of 1 month. Over the span from our very first progs meeting til the day we departed from the loft, the arduous journey has been laid out with tons of battles and learning experiences. It's been a great experience for all of us as camp comm, seniors and juniors, collaborators and friends, main comm and member. I feel proud and blessed to be able to fight and grow alongside so many of them in this event.
A quick round up of the camp, day 1 was pretty bad, with the mood going low, improving much more during day 2, and headed well at the third. We all didn't start well, but through the difficult times, we pulled through together.
To begin, I joined this camp comm to fight for it. I didn't want the same thing to happen again previously. With that, I took on him as my role model, doing what he would have done if in the same position, but of course not as good. I think I did well, meeting the objectives of why I came. It felt different though this time, as though I gave out a lot, yet felt strong enough to carry on. I remember trying my best to go out to different teams to support them, but could hardly do much since I was too busy doing up the progs. Nonetheless, I hoped I did manage to make a change somehow, and that no one had to suffer.
Overall, programs team was really quite a challenge. Our working styles was in all directions and I started off mostly pissed at everyone. But as much as even if I had the chance I was right, I wasn't doing enough to find fault with. But in the end learn to give in and work together.
There's much I learn during this camp. Leadership once again came in, pulling different strength and working together with them. At some point of time, I took up the role to lead groups and executions.
The team as well, was wonderful to work with, something memorable. We all had items that represent us. Abigail the Scotch Tape as she's a super good supporter in everything. Wen Yee the Pen as she's the one who makes everything hard on paper. The bridge between thoughts and execution. Timo poon's the rubber band. Brigning everybody together even after we drift apart. Timo Tan's the mystery box, surprising us with his creative antics. Me the Sharpener, criticising everything and digging out loopholes to improve things. Di sheng's the pencil box, with his skills to not only adapt but improve anything tasked on him. Together, with our different strenghts and skills, infused with our passion, it's the best team we could have.
Finally, quite meaningful to find a friend in her. It's nice to find someone almost closer than anyone else int erms of thoughts, if not possibly better. Hopefully things can work out, it'll be definitely lovely to work and talk with her about all these things. And too, I hope she can grow, into someone stronger, bigger, and a great leader with everything she's has. Thanks for letting me find yous, Abs., C. =)
I'm not that much a time person, but at times, "time" hits me in heartfelt appreciating yet sorroful ways.
One thing I never liked about time is that it's always moving. Never stops, and never does wait for anyone. Time continues even if you're sleeping, eating, crying, hiding, and even when you're dead busy rushing to complete something.
Then again, it's like a currency in a bank. 86, 400 seconds to spend on anything we wanted each day and every individual have their own bank account. Anything we choose to do will cost us some units, and sometimes, there wont be enough for the day.
Like an hourglass, time has its end. Something which I never liked. There's only that many years to childhood, and to each subsequent phase before one has to transit. At times, we are robbed off time to do things we don't want to, or in other ways, sacrifice.
This brings me back to reconsider the concept of time. I believe time is a human concept. It isn't real. Just like any other system of measurement, time gives us humans a way to comprehend and compartmentalize life. Because truly, I find that time is more than just ticking of on average 6,048,000 seconds. Its life. The flow of one event to the next. The moments where we think, eat, play, love creating an endless series of happenings. In the way we use "sometimes", "at times", "every time", what does the word "time" mean in each of these words.
Similarly the idea of eternity is beyond human comprehension. No man can fathom the expression of forever. We're all perhaps either in-built, or trained to have an end in mind. We know one day things will fall apart, relationships with cease and everything of the mind will fade. Death. Expiry. End. The closest thing we can make to eternity would be the desire for things to last forever, yet contradictory, we also fail to realize the mundane repetition of life, over and over again, like a joke repeated loses its charm.
Speaking of the wish for "forever", it's always been a dream of mine to spend my time with people forever. Obviously its impossible, and thus, I keep them in memory, revisiting moments in the past, tying a emotional knot to everywhere around, tripping them here and there occasionally, and reliving these moments again. I wonder if it is possible to bypass time, replay out scenes and spend time with them forever.
Ultimately, I believe there is something far beyond the measures of human time, something like a whole interconnect dynamic flow of energy, bringing what we know as destiny, something beyond the grasp of humans yet holds them together.
Under the bright clarity of the afternoon sun, the bus turned at the junction down the lane towards the streets.
"I'm back"
A wave of nostalgia hit me as I gaze out of the window at the scenes passing by. Primary school students running and playing in their sports tee bearing different colours; the school I grew up in. Next was this large field, presently half taken up by a new high class condominium. Then came the stretch of walls of another condominium lining the remainder perimeter of the street where I used to walk everyday to school. Finally, as the bus drove past the end of street into the slight curve, I saw myself playing and cycling in the void decks of the HDB's with my friends. Innocent days. The bell rang and there was my stop. I looked up into the sky, strolling slowly while embracing the warm environment of where my "home" was. That gleeful feeling as I walk by the corridor to my door, opening it slowly, peeking in, waiting for something to surprise me. And there it was, home.
It feels like I was coming home after traveling from some long long trip. Everything looked so fresh, replacing the stale memories in my head with newer ones. That sense of returning home, excitement growing with every step I take, bringing me closer to my doorstep. Have been away from home for 8 days already, the longest discounting overseas trips. It didnt feel any weird staying in school for so long though. Just that, suddenly at the comfort of my own home, I no longer have to be finding where everyone is, and what to do next. I'm not a fan of staying home with a mundane routine, but I've never realized how much this place meant to me.
I've learnt a lot, I've seen many people. But at the end of the day, all I want is to be able to sit back and enjoy the moment with my loved ones. I will find that place one day.
Had a debate over the importance of results versus process. Results weigh in on the final moments, what's been done and what's left at the end of the day, whereas processes focus more on the functions and elements that build up in the works of the set objectives.
I'll quickly make my stand. I downplay the emphasis that results should be the primary target.
In the world of excellence, the emphasis on results is greater more than ever. It's always on efficiency and output. Despite the technology scientist have invited to make life easier, life still has been just as busy if not more. The time we save from the assistance of technology, we use to it work more, which defeats the purpose of technology of making life easier.
Similarly, working on the system of meritocracy, the society demands a standard of excellence that may not apply to every individual. We're shaped in different ways of excellence, some interpersonal skills, some technical, some academic, and even so, it is incomparable as to how we're uniquely execute it with different pros and cons. But because of society's standards, we're pushed into a bottleneck of graded test by which only the cream of the crop benefit. Students that fail their academics are quickly put off as failures, yet some of them excel in many other skills and techniques unseen and unappreciated by others. This harsh attitude seeps into our daily lives and reliations as well. We expect the best out of each other, friends, projects and towards the goal of ordained perfection defined by society.
But perfection shouldn't be made or set by spociety, as society itself is imperfect. So many of us live under the self-imposed standard of never being good enough, yet many of us fail to realize the best of us already there. Physical looks, task performance, character traits. And it's because of all these that people are been marginalized, not just financially, but emotionally and socially. Those with less desirable abilities, looks are left out, or overlooked. The pride of Superiority.
In my opinion, one should not be judged based on his results but on the process. We're all human and we're bound to fail. In fact, failure should be a expected trait of human, not a category that separates those who make it 100% and those who don't fit in to what is being set. As long as he has tried and put in his best, he has succeeded, regardless of result. In fact, who are we to define if something is successful or not. More often than not, the path that builds life goes against the nature of financially or beneficiary success.
Results benefit the people, but processes builds them up. It's often through the tough and hard times that we grow, learn and gain something from it. Results need not always be of tangible source. One can successfully gain experience and a revelation life changer in the midst of his failed business.
One good example I use to back my stand is Singapore. We focus so much on getting good education, we push away every thing else for it. Civics morals have lost its place in the education system. Everyone is just pushing students to become better, work harder. Nobody really cares about what goes on in people anymore. And all we have now is head smart people without good hearts. and I strongly feel this is one of the reason for Singapore's moral decline.
Maybe another example I'll use is, Christianity. And I believe the basis of other teachings. People complain that Christianity has too many rules to follow. cant do this cant do that, must do this and that. But once again, its not about the results. Going to church doesn't make you a christian any more than going to garage makes you a car. It isn't about any of the actions that you do, but the heart behind it. You don't do all these because you're a christian. You do all these because you love others, and out of it you naturally want to do all these. You don't go to church every sunday because you have to. You do it because you want to. if it's about having to, then the act doesnt have any meaning to it.
Well, looking at processes is bound to be more costly than pursuing results, but it's bound to be more life enhancing, something that cannot be acquired by results. Like a ambitious millionaire who sacrifices his family versus a pauper who spends quality time with his family sharing weal and woe. Maybe if we can stop looking at what we can get and appreciate what we have, we're be able to appreciate at a simpler yet more meaningful way.
Process should come before result; then out from the nature of a well balance process produces excellence with substance.
With the people we love, we don't want to miss out on any chance to be with them. When we find an end to something, then do we cherish it more. It's value goes up as supply, or lifetime, cos down. But that's the problem with humans. We treat things as though they were infinitely going to exist, and live like there's surely to be a tomorrow.
We take things, and sadly, people for granted. Fortunately, or unfortunately, many of us have the grace of final few moments to make amends of whatever is left of our mistake, for example the diagnosis of terminal illness of a loved one s. Yet for some, they don't have that privilege or chance to redeem themselves, and precious things are forcefully taken away by choice, leaving only regrets in it's empty place; one of the worst things to have in life. Like the recent disasters, many don't even have a second chance. Don't waste it.
What if today was your last day? It would be the most important day of your life. What if you woke up the next day and found yourself barely awake. It would be a bonus. And what if we had a third chance, a fourth chance, and so on. The value of that bonus would be depreciated and soon, we would be back to living as did before.
If we lived as though we had rights, nothing would be worth anything. If we lived like we deserved nothing, everything would mean so much more. This isn't just mind tricks to make us feel better. Truly, how much of what we had really belonged to us. By hard work, some might argue, but many out there are working harder than any of us yet are having lesser than they rightfully deserved. All the more does all these things we thought should be ours be given to someone else. But no, we were assigned to it, and we should make good stewardship of what was bestowed to us by grace.
Live like there's no tomorrow. Leave no chances, and treasure everything.
For all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful, baby
You're the one who held me up Never let me fall You're the one who saw me through Through it all
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me, ooh, baby
You gave me wings and made me fly You touched my hand I could touch the sky I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall I had your love, I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe, I don't know that much But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me The light in the dark shining your love into my life You've been my inspiration through the lies you were the truth My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
I'm everything I am Because you loved me
My mom told me this was one of her most favourite and inspirational song. It's beautiful.
Thank you for all those that stood by me, the name would be endless, and you will know better than I, I wish I could feel this way always, but more so, I wish I could let others feel it too. God, please give me the strength to be there for everyone, friend or stranger, loved or hated.
God, help be someone like that please.
Thanks Qi for the song >< this songs speaks so much of what I feel inside, and that which I know I need to do. Sometimes its just so hard. I'm not any great hero, but I wanna become stronger for everyone else. I will.
Have been writing only the bad stuff recently so here's to balance up with the normal parts of my life.
Things must have seemed like a big drama but yea, I really did got to the point of making that decision. I've always wished that could happen since young. But yea, she came for me the next day. I was reluctant but I couldn't refuse. Each step besides her weakens my will, and at the fork, i knew I couldn't bear for us to part and I gave in. It's a good thing overall, but as much as I'm unwillingly grateful, it points out my weaknesses again, Too weak to do any great good, and just as weak to do any bad. But owells, since it isn't time for me to go, I'll just continue fighting then.
Being darn busy planning camp programmes. Going back to school everyday and returning after 11. Time passes so fast the only thing I can keep track off is the days left to our semi-unprepared camp. The worries and problems never seem to end, but it's been a great learning process and experience to work alongside with my team =) And certainly way better than idling and rotting away at home =)
The walk home felt different today, The wide tentage now filled with brightly lit stalls selling food, potted plants, accessories and many more It;s been a long time since there was a pasar malam in my neighbourhood. Brings back a lot of childhood memories. I remember how I loved to roam the night market. Everything was so exciting, especially the toys and those games stalls. I remember also buying my bolster from there! And it's still with me now, for more than 2/3 of my life already =P hehex
Finally, for all you friends, sorry I don't have the time and energy to keep up with you all. Being drained by little things here and there. I hope there's still a chance for us, or I'll just fight more battles then...
After all these, I just wanna take a break from everything. No worries, problems and effort. Wanna sit back and chill with my friends mutually. If only.
Darren Nico Pillai