It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
I sat by the bed saying out my long overdued apology, hoping, yet knowing
you probably wouldn’t hear me through the music. Ever since that night, we've
almost never spoken.
Yet every other night, I dream of us. In my dreams, we’re talking. In my
dreams, I had the guts to face up to you with my apology. In my dreams, you
didnt hate me. In my dreams, we had the closest bonds.
In my dreams. Never has that statement felt so literal. Neither had I such recurring
dreams of the exact same picture.
But I’m too afraid, and selfish maybe. I’ve failed you in many ways, and
even with my apology, I’m afraid that I still cannot live up to what I should
be.
Still, I really want to say I’m sorry for all that I’ve done to you, and
that I’m definitely proud to have you as my brother, and despite all the
arguments and petty things we hate about each other, deep down, I’ve always
wish that we’ll be best friends, kicking the world’s ass with our awesomeness
combined, we’ll have a bond that makes others envious, perhaps even closer than
brothers.
Fears or faults, wishes or dreams, I love you Amias. (shit that was dam mushy
but still…)
This may be the last time we ever get to speak, i'm not sure if you heard me that night. There's some things I hope I'll get to say before I never have the chance to again.
I'm sorry for not being a brother to you.
and,
I'm really proud and honoured to have you as a brother.
I finally did it. But I'm sure her heart broke more than mine.
"What is the most painful mental thing you can ever do to a person? By giving him/her a false hope".
Forever what bit of care I can find within myself, I know you'll never be fully happy with me. I'll never be able to give you back what you give to me. Neither do I know when I can love you that much too. And so, I'm not worth it.
I hugged you for the tightest and longest I've ever had. I dont want to let go, but I know I have to.
A black rose represents the end of something. Guess this is it.
"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."
It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.
Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.
And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.
I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.
I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.
As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?
Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.
Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.
Something struck my mind about something you said. Was trying to find it out in our log when I stumbled into our old conversations. Before 2010. So much memories of the times when we were closer~ We were chatting so casually almost everyday. Friends, I miss us how we were back then
Jan 1
I was gonna ask the class to sing a birthday song for your birthday and you pleaded me not to. Shy I guess? haha xD And then you wanting to surprise me with a cake for mine (yet you asked me what cake flavour I would think is nice - lol fail surprise) And then I told you I wanted you to sing a birthday song for me, which you expectantly protested.
Looks like I finally got to hear it this year eh =) Beautiful~ ^^ I love the sound of it, the ring of your voice, that mixture of sincerity and bashfulness, a lovely tune that makes the heart melt. Thank you for the song. (Wowza, I waited 2 years for this eh ^^)
and as I scroll down, I'm reading the conversations when I felt down or discouraged. I'm seeing you encouraging me or trying to find ways to help me. And me in return encouraging you to be more positive. I love the tone we used to have last time. Felt like we were peers on equals.
Then came the letter. 15 Jan 2010. A day after my birthday when I first left you. Been lost in the sad world for so long, I decided to leave everything behind to pursue bigger things to make my life more meaningful. Wanted to break out of it, and I wanted to bring you along, though you preferred to stay. Sadly, me being me then, I didn't have the courage to tell you, even lying when you asked if the letter referred to you.
That was the changing point for me and you I guess? From there we spoke lesser, that closeness and casual interactions slowly became more sadness behind smiles. We've moved apart ever since. I've changed too, finally breaking out of that shell, and now I've done more and became someone I'd never see myself to be in the past. Once a sad lonely fearful and introverted person, and now, I'm standing in front of people, doing crazy things, teaching skills, imparting wisdom, from nothing, to a figure at the top. ha, Of course, fame isn't what I asked, just wanted to live my life to the fullest and see others do the same. You've changed too. haha.
I wonder if we could still ever be friends. I really really miss those times.
Edit:
I ended up staying up reading through the chats we had. and hm here's something you said which foreshadowed today.
Nov 2009
"Okay. You can go. But once you go, I'll really label you as a real friend ar. & if anything bad happen between us, I'll really hate you. Clear?!"
And then I responded telling you I was uncertain about how I've changed after YEP.
"Well, no need hide~ Show them to people you know won't mind then. Anyway, real friends will accept you for who you are"
Haha, as much as the commemoration of our official start as real friends and the joy that comes with it, it's heart piercing to see how we've become. Many of my mistakes and your response to them. But yet one little thing triggering those dumb tears... Real friends... That's what he told me too. Guess it I'm still too screwed up for even real friends to accept. I've failed you then.
My heart feels so heavy now. All these precious memories sinking in~
First off, I don't even know how to respond to everything really. It's so big and unexpected. Didn't had much to look forward to my birthday as things hadn't been so good, but with her extensive effort and support of many, I think this is one of the most memorable birthday I had. Most.
Last minute changes kinda had me 1 hour late for my lunch surprise. If feeling bad that I was late for 3 ppl's lunch wasn't bad enough, had a dam big shock walking into my surprise lunch gathering. Had a 2 rows of people waiting for me. Meh, unsettling to see the people there really. Juniors, seniors, friends, family, haha felt touched having everyone there.
Regretted something though. Didn't get to spend much time with everyone overall. Honestly was quite affected by myself being late and upsetting her, after awhile I had to take a breather cos I couldn't hold my already 'bad' smile anymore. Took a walk, and kinda lost track of time. By the time I returned, forget the already little time left, things were kinda done. Had a few birthday songs sung for me and a cake, and everything mostly dissipated afterwards. Wished I talked to everyone more, The stupid thing is, everyone went to the lunch for me, yet, I was least present. Like though I was some ingrate. A lesson not to harp on negative feelings.
The second big part would be this giant heavy orange scrapbook. Dam shit I love it. Huiqi said she thought of doing this to document my poly life since it was something big for me. And it's secretly on my wishlist too. It's heartwarming flipping through the pages of the book. There's even notes from people I considered myself to be of nothing to. I'm running out of words to describe the feeling that I have, seeing the effort and time people took to do up each page. The thought behind the words, pictures, little decorations. haha if i be honest I feel loved. Feels like i'm more than I think I am? haha.
One really precious word though, that rings through the letters was "inspiration". Haha I think it really touches me to see that I'm seen as an inspiration to some? I'm not sure why, and what, but I think nothing really beats the feeling of knowing you've impacted someone? hope I'm being a good inspiration then, really want to see people finding their true potentials as well as playing a part in making this world imperfectly perfect.
But really, i think all this wudn't be possible without her. I cant express my gratitude to her using any words now. I'm amazed, touched, shocked, thankful. I cant possibly know how much it took you to get all this done, and imagining it is already scary enough. but as the days go and I hear the accounts of people I meet, it's crazy to discover how much you've been doing for this. Everywhere? Like you've went to explored almost every part of my life to get that fragment of memory for me. Must have been a great deal of work, especially with you having to bear your pain too :/
Frankly, you've won me a little inside. I feel like giving it one more chance to pull things back together again. I'm not sure what I ought to do though. Like you said, maybe apart might be better for us. I'm not in a good state for any close relationships, there's still so much issues and selfishness to fix, and having you to bear the brunt of my egocentric life isn't fair for you. Part of me wants you in my life, yet another selfish part doesn't seem to cherish you. And it plays out in this nasty hurt game. I need to tell myself to have faith and be strong to let you go, that you can find your happiness too. I'm not sure where we go from here. Wish we could still be at least friends =/
but all in all, thank you so much for this wonderful gift, and the many sweet things that goes with it. It's the best gift ever so far, I'll keep it with me, and in my heart wherever I go. Thank you.
Happy Birthday to me. Now let's face the new year!
I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.
Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.
Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.
Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.
If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.
I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)
But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.
I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?
People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.
I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.
And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.
But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.
Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.
So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.
Got this note from an unknown someone. Kinda quite touched hehe. Rare that I get such things, in a purposeful attempt I guess. Heh, "God's angel", a bit too high no? Wonder what I did to deserve that heh. Quite wishing to know who and what it's about, but I guess not knowing keeps me humble, don't have anything to boast about. Nonetheless, thank you so much for the note, means a lot a lot to me =) Will keep it somewhere.
Dear unknown, if you're here reading this, thank you so much for it, really. Heartmeltz lol. If I have impacted in you any way that has touch your life, I have one request, that you'll do the same for someone else =) Pass it on and touch someone's life as well ^^
And it's true isn't it, how there's always people out there loving us, and whether or not we're aware doesn't change the fact that they do =)
It's silly, but I tried hard to hold back my tears when the song played. Didn't want you to see me like that. I've never felt such pain of hopelessness ever since our paths crossed. Every scene in life that's gotta to do with hope tugs on my heartstrings. I really wish things will get better for you, I'll pray for you everyday.
Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".
We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"
I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.
As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.
The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.
Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"
I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?
I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.
I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.
I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'd never let me go, through it all.
This song sung in cell comforted me greatly today. When I'm alone and needy, God always there to carry me through. You'd never let me go no matter what.
Papa, am I that hard to accept? =/ Why do the closest people turn away and hate me?
It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.
Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.
Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.
Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.
Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.
I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.
Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.
But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.
Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.
Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.
Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.
Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.
Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.
Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.
Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.
Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.
Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.
Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.
Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.
I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.
I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.
I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?
But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well
Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.
Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,
I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.
When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.
Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.
Today was surely a platter of emotions of all waves.
Hope to glory in my weakness. Happiness from which came a chance. Gratitude for someone who came far out just for me. Sadness in coping with my failures. Anxiety from compliments indicating a possibility of good in me. Guilt in my wrongdoings. Fear from a presumed intention. Anger to beat it all back. Helplessness in not knowing what to do. Righteousness in keeping to what's right. Solitude in realizing the battle just got lonelier. Faith in the hopes of a miraculous future.
It's going to be one tough time ahead. Maybe after so long, it's time I stopped being so strong and allow myself to be weak and helped for once.
It seems there are people there, how many, how real I do not know, but I shall take the risk and jump. If I fall on hard ground, just a pity then. I'll let the future unfold by itself.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
I sat by the bed saying out my long overdued apology, hoping, yet knowing
you probably wouldn’t hear me through the music. Ever since that night, we've
almost never spoken.
Yet every other night, I dream of us. In my dreams, we’re talking. In my
dreams, I had the guts to face up to you with my apology. In my dreams, you
didnt hate me. In my dreams, we had the closest bonds.
In my dreams. Never has that statement felt so literal. Neither had I such recurring
dreams of the exact same picture.
But I’m too afraid, and selfish maybe. I’ve failed you in many ways, and
even with my apology, I’m afraid that I still cannot live up to what I should
be.
Still, I really want to say I’m sorry for all that I’ve done to you, and
that I’m definitely proud to have you as my brother, and despite all the
arguments and petty things we hate about each other, deep down, I’ve always
wish that we’ll be best friends, kicking the world’s ass with our awesomeness
combined, we’ll have a bond that makes others envious, perhaps even closer than
brothers.
Fears or faults, wishes or dreams, I love you Amias. (shit that was dam mushy
but still…)
This may be the last time we ever get to speak, i'm not sure if you heard me that night. There's some things I hope I'll get to say before I never have the chance to again.
I'm sorry for not being a brother to you.
and,
I'm really proud and honoured to have you as a brother.
I finally did it. But I'm sure her heart broke more than mine.
"What is the most painful mental thing you can ever do to a person? By giving him/her a false hope".
Forever what bit of care I can find within myself, I know you'll never be fully happy with me. I'll never be able to give you back what you give to me. Neither do I know when I can love you that much too. And so, I'm not worth it.
I hugged you for the tightest and longest I've ever had. I dont want to let go, but I know I have to.
A black rose represents the end of something. Guess this is it.
"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."
It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.
Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.
And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.
I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.
I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.
As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?
Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.
Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.
Something struck my mind about something you said. Was trying to find it out in our log when I stumbled into our old conversations. Before 2010. So much memories of the times when we were closer~ We were chatting so casually almost everyday. Friends, I miss us how we were back then
Jan 1
I was gonna ask the class to sing a birthday song for your birthday and you pleaded me not to. Shy I guess? haha xD And then you wanting to surprise me with a cake for mine (yet you asked me what cake flavour I would think is nice - lol fail surprise) And then I told you I wanted you to sing a birthday song for me, which you expectantly protested.
Looks like I finally got to hear it this year eh =) Beautiful~ ^^ I love the sound of it, the ring of your voice, that mixture of sincerity and bashfulness, a lovely tune that makes the heart melt. Thank you for the song. (Wowza, I waited 2 years for this eh ^^)
and as I scroll down, I'm reading the conversations when I felt down or discouraged. I'm seeing you encouraging me or trying to find ways to help me. And me in return encouraging you to be more positive. I love the tone we used to have last time. Felt like we were peers on equals.
Then came the letter. 15 Jan 2010. A day after my birthday when I first left you. Been lost in the sad world for so long, I decided to leave everything behind to pursue bigger things to make my life more meaningful. Wanted to break out of it, and I wanted to bring you along, though you preferred to stay. Sadly, me being me then, I didn't have the courage to tell you, even lying when you asked if the letter referred to you.
That was the changing point for me and you I guess? From there we spoke lesser, that closeness and casual interactions slowly became more sadness behind smiles. We've moved apart ever since. I've changed too, finally breaking out of that shell, and now I've done more and became someone I'd never see myself to be in the past. Once a sad lonely fearful and introverted person, and now, I'm standing in front of people, doing crazy things, teaching skills, imparting wisdom, from nothing, to a figure at the top. ha, Of course, fame isn't what I asked, just wanted to live my life to the fullest and see others do the same. You've changed too. haha.
I wonder if we could still ever be friends. I really really miss those times.
Edit:
I ended up staying up reading through the chats we had. and hm here's something you said which foreshadowed today.
Nov 2009
"Okay. You can go. But once you go, I'll really label you as a real friend ar. & if anything bad happen between us, I'll really hate you. Clear?!"
And then I responded telling you I was uncertain about how I've changed after YEP.
"Well, no need hide~ Show them to people you know won't mind then. Anyway, real friends will accept you for who you are"
Haha, as much as the commemoration of our official start as real friends and the joy that comes with it, it's heart piercing to see how we've become. Many of my mistakes and your response to them. But yet one little thing triggering those dumb tears... Real friends... That's what he told me too. Guess it I'm still too screwed up for even real friends to accept. I've failed you then.
My heart feels so heavy now. All these precious memories sinking in~
First off, I don't even know how to respond to everything really. It's so big and unexpected. Didn't had much to look forward to my birthday as things hadn't been so good, but with her extensive effort and support of many, I think this is one of the most memorable birthday I had. Most.
Last minute changes kinda had me 1 hour late for my lunch surprise. If feeling bad that I was late for 3 ppl's lunch wasn't bad enough, had a dam big shock walking into my surprise lunch gathering. Had a 2 rows of people waiting for me. Meh, unsettling to see the people there really. Juniors, seniors, friends, family, haha felt touched having everyone there.
Regretted something though. Didn't get to spend much time with everyone overall. Honestly was quite affected by myself being late and upsetting her, after awhile I had to take a breather cos I couldn't hold my already 'bad' smile anymore. Took a walk, and kinda lost track of time. By the time I returned, forget the already little time left, things were kinda done. Had a few birthday songs sung for me and a cake, and everything mostly dissipated afterwards. Wished I talked to everyone more, The stupid thing is, everyone went to the lunch for me, yet, I was least present. Like though I was some ingrate. A lesson not to harp on negative feelings.
The second big part would be this giant heavy orange scrapbook. Dam shit I love it. Huiqi said she thought of doing this to document my poly life since it was something big for me. And it's secretly on my wishlist too. It's heartwarming flipping through the pages of the book. There's even notes from people I considered myself to be of nothing to. I'm running out of words to describe the feeling that I have, seeing the effort and time people took to do up each page. The thought behind the words, pictures, little decorations. haha if i be honest I feel loved. Feels like i'm more than I think I am? haha.
One really precious word though, that rings through the letters was "inspiration". Haha I think it really touches me to see that I'm seen as an inspiration to some? I'm not sure why, and what, but I think nothing really beats the feeling of knowing you've impacted someone? hope I'm being a good inspiration then, really want to see people finding their true potentials as well as playing a part in making this world imperfectly perfect.
But really, i think all this wudn't be possible without her. I cant express my gratitude to her using any words now. I'm amazed, touched, shocked, thankful. I cant possibly know how much it took you to get all this done, and imagining it is already scary enough. but as the days go and I hear the accounts of people I meet, it's crazy to discover how much you've been doing for this. Everywhere? Like you've went to explored almost every part of my life to get that fragment of memory for me. Must have been a great deal of work, especially with you having to bear your pain too :/
Frankly, you've won me a little inside. I feel like giving it one more chance to pull things back together again. I'm not sure what I ought to do though. Like you said, maybe apart might be better for us. I'm not in a good state for any close relationships, there's still so much issues and selfishness to fix, and having you to bear the brunt of my egocentric life isn't fair for you. Part of me wants you in my life, yet another selfish part doesn't seem to cherish you. And it plays out in this nasty hurt game. I need to tell myself to have faith and be strong to let you go, that you can find your happiness too. I'm not sure where we go from here. Wish we could still be at least friends =/
but all in all, thank you so much for this wonderful gift, and the many sweet things that goes with it. It's the best gift ever so far, I'll keep it with me, and in my heart wherever I go. Thank you.
Happy Birthday to me. Now let's face the new year!
I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.
Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.
Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.
Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.
If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.
I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)
But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.
I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?
People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.
I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.
And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.
But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.
Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.
So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.
Got this note from an unknown someone. Kinda quite touched hehe. Rare that I get such things, in a purposeful attempt I guess. Heh, "God's angel", a bit too high no? Wonder what I did to deserve that heh. Quite wishing to know who and what it's about, but I guess not knowing keeps me humble, don't have anything to boast about. Nonetheless, thank you so much for the note, means a lot a lot to me =) Will keep it somewhere.
Dear unknown, if you're here reading this, thank you so much for it, really. Heartmeltz lol. If I have impacted in you any way that has touch your life, I have one request, that you'll do the same for someone else =) Pass it on and touch someone's life as well ^^
And it's true isn't it, how there's always people out there loving us, and whether or not we're aware doesn't change the fact that they do =)
It's silly, but I tried hard to hold back my tears when the song played. Didn't want you to see me like that. I've never felt such pain of hopelessness ever since our paths crossed. Every scene in life that's gotta to do with hope tugs on my heartstrings. I really wish things will get better for you, I'll pray for you everyday.
Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".
We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"
I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.
As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.
The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.
Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"
I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?
I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.
I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.
I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'd never let me go, through it all.
This song sung in cell comforted me greatly today. When I'm alone and needy, God always there to carry me through. You'd never let me go no matter what.
Papa, am I that hard to accept? =/ Why do the closest people turn away and hate me?
It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.
Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.
Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.
Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.
Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.
I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.
Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.
But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.
Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.
Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.
Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.
Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.
Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.
Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.
Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.
Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.
Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.
Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.
Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.
I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.
I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.
I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?
But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well
Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.
Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,
I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.
When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.
Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.
Today was surely a platter of emotions of all waves.
Hope to glory in my weakness. Happiness from which came a chance. Gratitude for someone who came far out just for me. Sadness in coping with my failures. Anxiety from compliments indicating a possibility of good in me. Guilt in my wrongdoings. Fear from a presumed intention. Anger to beat it all back. Helplessness in not knowing what to do. Righteousness in keeping to what's right. Solitude in realizing the battle just got lonelier. Faith in the hopes of a miraculous future.
It's going to be one tough time ahead. Maybe after so long, it's time I stopped being so strong and allow myself to be weak and helped for once.
It seems there are people there, how many, how real I do not know, but I shall take the risk and jump. If I fall on hard ground, just a pity then. I'll let the future unfold by itself.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Darren Nico Pillai