Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.

Labels: frenz, life, memories

Something I'll need to learn to do, to truly care for a friend's problem just as I would for mine, maybe then I'll too become a better friend.

Labels: frenz

Monday

First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but  we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~





TUESDAY

Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.


WEDNESDAY

Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.






THURSDAY

Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.

Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.


FRIDAY

First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.

At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday



SATURDAY

Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.


SUNDAY

Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.

Labels: cell, church, deaf, frenz, God, life, memories

:)


Met Vic and Yve probably for the last time before entering army soon >< Love these two crazy peeps, whenever I'm with them, my retardedness doubles up :D But yea, I love having them laugh at me. It feels great being yourself and bringing laughter to people.



Ahh, I remember them being my first friends in poly. The reason for me having my first late night msn group chats til 4am. Sometimes I miss all the silly jokes and htht-ing. Without them, my poly life would never had such a great start. Thank you for embracing me as I am, my craziness and silliness altogether, and for letting me know I'm remembered.

Labels: frenz, memories

Cell planned a farewell lunch for me and zx :D Am gonna miss them surely now that I wont be able to join them.

I remember my first two years in PolyITE1 wasn't all so good for me. Was the only one of my level/age for two years thus feeling disconnected from the rest. Been always dissatisfied at way things been. Was until my last year where I figured, sintead of thinking what this cell was for me, what could I be for the cell instead?

From there, things really took off, I learnt to opened up more, and to care for my fellow cell mates, sometimes hearing them out when they have troubles. And oh haha it makes me really happy inside whenever they get excited when I say there's activities, makes me feel really appreciated and motivated to plan new applicable stuffs to do haha.

Anyway, hope things continue to be better. A part of me regrets not doing more for this cell, but I know things will be well cos God's in control =)

²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10

Labels: cell, church, frenz, life, memories

"I forgive you"

Somehow I felt like it was needed of me to tell him that. Not sure if it made a difference to him, but things like these should never be kept hidden.

"I forgive you for hurting me that night. For when I gave you the closest thing to my heart and in my vulnerability, you responded by tossing it aside followed with the cutting words "Get over it". "

I knew in the heat of the moment you didn't mean many things you said, but it still cut me deeply. Heh, it took me awhile to get pass the anger and hatred. But I thank God for his grace in softening my heart to release the hurts and misjudgment.

Labels: frenz, God, life

Shall just make a quick entry.

It's a time of transition, a new phase. One of the many thing that worries me is friends. I love the social circle I have, CCA, class, HMS, and the many ity bits here and there. Moving into the new season means having to part with many of them as we all go towards our separate callings. Everyone of these souls have made a part of my life for 3 years, big or small, known or unknown. Sometimes I wish if it's possible to thank them all.

It's 2 months left before my enlistment. I'm scared in these 2 years, I'll lose contact with more people than I hoped. And I'll try my best to cherish whatever time I have with whoever I can spend it with. Put in more effort to pursue my friends. It has to be more than just needs, perhaps, simply for friendship itself.

I'll try. really.

Labels: frenz, life

If there's one thing personal I could take back from yesterday's conversation, it would be freedom. Freedom from your thoughts of me. But, yesterday, all I saw was that you couldn't accept me. You said you wanted to know me, yet in my realness, both good and bad, you couldn't accept the flaws and cracks. You couldn't accept that part of me, the inner depths of who I really am behind all the good.

I've always had the dilemma whether it was me being hard to accept, or you not accepting me. Because I respected and valued you, I stuck to me being the issue. I didn't want badly of you, I wanted to uphold that image of a hero I thought you to be. And so I just took in everything you threw out at me; the truth, the lies. While the truth help me see my blindspots, the lies formed negative impressions of myself that you selfishly projected unto me.

 I feel really cheated. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel hatred. Towards you and myself. But at least now I can safely say the fault isn't entirely mine, that I'm not the sole bad person in every conflict. I hope to get over this negative feelings, so I won't be stiffened up by this hurts.

For myself, I'll hav to learn to forgive, to accept, and to let go. Mixed feelings towards you now. Dun think I'll show you that side of me anymore, seeing how distasteful it was for you. That'll be the best you can get from me, the good parts without the person I am. And the best I can personally give is I'm sorry, sorry I wasn't a good friend.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.

For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?

Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude:
1. He/she loves you more than you do.
2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.

People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?

I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).

I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?

To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?

For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.

That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.

There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?

Labels: frenz, love, Me, thoughts

Sometimes I don't know what to do. It's reached that stage where I hit the glass ceiling again. After this point, most relationships either stagnate or fade. I'm scared. It feels like I'm helplessly bound to lose them.

The feeling sucks, sometimes I just watch on as other friendships continue to solidify into stability, still maintaining contact, calling each out for dates and I wonder to myself why the hell doesn't all this come natural to me. It's as though my heart was kept behind invisible walls, and I slowly succumb to the belief in my ineptitude for friendship, the long lasting deep ones I mean. I can't find my way out to people, to the dreams I see myself to be.

I have a lot of undesirable traits when it comes to friendship. On immediate second thoughts, people have commented that I am or will make a good friend. Would that be me over-analyzing my flaws, or sadly that people being unaware of them until closer proximity. I wonder if anyone understands.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

Came across someone's blog quite some time ago. In one entry, the author wrote about an estranged friendship, of how they used to be close, being his first friend in class, though now a rift separates them and he isn't sure why.

I know this two persons, though I didn't know they had a sad story between them.

Recently at an event, I saw these two friends again. Things were different though, they were playing and tickling each other, laughing and playing. I remember the look of ecstasy when they knew they were in the same team.

It's quite a touching sight, seeing two people, once close friends turned strangers, to hav that reconciliation between them again.

Wonder if I could hav that chance too. Being able to have that treasured bond again...

Labels: frenz, thoughts

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful.

Saw this quote which I kept some time back, Thought it's sounded meaningful and tried see how I could relate to it. Today, I do.

In this whole endless saga of broken friendship and failures, I've become so broken, lost myself, lost my fire (as mentioned by someone). Right now I'm just in this pathetic state, where I feel completely worthless, and bruised. Yet in some light, self-absorbed. Self-absorbed in victimizing myself from the hurts. A false nobility, perhaps.

There's this war going on in my head everyday. A whole lot of self talk. Though it often ends up in aimless late nights and a couple of tears. But gotta keep up the fight, I think I'll need three things for myself.

Be fair.
I think I'm taking on too much responsibility that isn't mine. I keep blaming myself for my mistakes, for being the cause of how they've change. Though there's always that struggle whenever I see them. But, surely even if I was the sole culprit, my responsibility can only go as far till how they respond. Whatever they decide to do, is beyond my means. Correcting my faults should be the only thing I need to do now, not to correct theirs. Of course, friendship has to be two ways, as subjective as it be, I need to remind myself I can't be the only one bearing the weight of the broken friendship. They have their mistakes too, though less seen; they've hurt me too, though less understood. I try when I can, and I try with as much as I can give. As long as I be accountable, knowing that I gave my best, whatever little, insignificant or untrustworthy it may be, I did what I was to do.

Stop self-pitying
A state I ought to know better not to fall in. I think I've been in it for quite some time without realizing, falling deeper and deeper into its allure. One thing I've been holding on to, is how I'm not accepted, and being too screwed, and shifting towards the feeling of having all fault placed on me. And for that, I've been feeling so unjust, about my sincere efforts overlooked and disregarded. From there, setting myself in this sorry state, feeling worthless. Yet as others around me showered concern, fellowship, with time, thoughtful words, and love to let me know otherwise, I remain blinded to those around, solely focused on wanting that vindication from him, from her. To hear from themselves that they had a part in this, in this chaotic mess of bruises. Yet ignoring all the rest who tells me the same. In the end, I live everyday waiting, for the apology I deserve, and it's become my only purpose. But hey, am I just gonna live everyday just for that one sorry. It'll definitely make me feel much better, yet letting it govern my thoughts, my feelings, it isn't gonna be worth it. Time to let go; time to move on.

Believe.
Man, really, the days ahead are gonna be tough. All these scars and hurt, whether trangressed or self inflicted are going to shape how I treat myself in the future. Part of my mind tells me I shouldn't let anyone else get closer less the repeat, yet another part of me is dying to believe I'm worth it, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that perhaps, I am lovable. But then again, people can do all they can, as they might be doing now, and if my heart isn't open, I'd never feel anything. Gotta learn and believe again. Second chances. Stop wasting time moping around in emo thoughts and cherish the people I have now, before I lose them over again.

Not sure how the week ahead is gonna turn out, but really really need to pull myself together. I don't promise things will be well throughout, but I'd try my best to fight off those thoughts that shouldn't be.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.



Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.

"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

Labels: EMO, frenz

Shit =l

Something struck my mind about something you said. Was trying to find it out in our log when I stumbled into our old conversations. Before 2010. So much memories of the times when we were closer~ We were chatting so casually almost everyday. Friends, I miss us how we were back then

Jan 1

I was gonna ask the class to sing a birthday song for your birthday and you pleaded me not to. Shy I guess? haha xD And then you wanting to surprise me with a cake for mine (yet you asked me what cake flavour I would think is nice - lol fail surprise) And then I told you I wanted you to sing a birthday song for me, which you expectantly protested.

Looks like I finally got to hear it this year eh =) Beautiful~ ^^ I love the sound of it, the ring of your voice, that mixture of sincerity and bashfulness, a lovely tune that makes the heart melt. Thank you for the song. (Wowza, I waited 2 years for this eh ^^)

and as I scroll down, I'm reading the conversations when I felt down or discouraged. I'm seeing you encouraging me or trying to find ways to help me. And me in return encouraging you to be more positive. I love the tone we used to have last time. Felt like we were peers on equals.

Then came the letter. 15 Jan 2010. A day after my birthday when I first left you. Been lost in the sad world for so long, I decided to leave everything behind to pursue bigger things to make my life more meaningful. Wanted to break out of it, and I wanted to bring you along, though you preferred to stay. Sadly, me being me then, I didn't have the courage to tell you, even lying when you asked if the letter referred to you.

That was the changing point for me and you I guess? From there we spoke lesser, that closeness and casual interactions slowly became more sadness behind smiles. We've moved apart ever since. I've changed too, finally breaking out of that shell, and now I've done more and became someone I'd never see myself to be in the past. Once a sad lonely fearful and introverted person, and now, I'm standing in front of people, doing crazy things, teaching skills, imparting wisdom, from nothing, to a figure at the top. ha, Of course, fame isn't what I asked, just wanted to live my life to the fullest and see others do the same. You've changed too. haha.

I wonder if we could still ever be friends. I really really miss those times.


Edit:

I ended up staying up reading through the chats we had. and hm here's something you said which foreshadowed today.

Nov 2009

"Okay. You can go. But once you go, I'll really label you as a real friend ar. & if anything bad happen between us, I'll really hate you. Clear?!"

And then I responded telling you I was uncertain about how I've changed after YEP.

"Well, no need hide~ Show them to people you know won't mind then. Anyway, real friends will accept you for who you are"

Haha, as much as the commemoration of our official start as real friends and the joy that comes with it, it's heart piercing to see how we've become. Many of my mistakes and your response to them. But yet one little thing triggering those dumb tears... Real friends... That's what he told me too. Guess it I'm still too screwed up for even real friends to accept. I've failed you then.

My heart feels so heavy now. All these precious memories sinking in~

Labels: frenz, heart, memories, qq

First off, I don't even know how to respond to everything really. It's so big and unexpected. Didn't had much to look forward to my birthday as things hadn't been so good, but with her extensive effort and support of many, I think this is one of the most memorable birthday I had. Most.

Last minute changes kinda had me 1 hour late for my lunch surprise. If feeling bad that I was late for 3 ppl's lunch wasn't bad enough, had a dam big shock walking into my surprise lunch gathering. Had a 2 rows of people waiting for me. Meh, unsettling to see the people there really. Juniors, seniors, friends, family, haha felt touched having everyone there.

Regretted something though. Didn't get to spend much time with everyone overall. Honestly was quite affected by myself being late and upsetting her, after awhile I had to take a breather cos I couldn't hold my already 'bad' smile anymore. Took a walk, and kinda lost track of time. By the time I returned, forget the already little time left, things were kinda done. Had a few birthday songs sung for me and a cake, and everything mostly dissipated afterwards. Wished I talked to everyone more, The stupid thing is, everyone went to the lunch for me, yet, I was least present. Like though I was some ingrate. A lesson not to harp on negative feelings.

The second big part would be this giant heavy orange scrapbook. Dam shit I love it. Huiqi said she thought of doing this to document my poly life since it was something big for me. And it's secretly on my wishlist too. It's heartwarming flipping through the pages of the book. There's even notes from people I considered myself to be of nothing to. I'm running out of words to describe the feeling that I have, seeing the effort and time people took to do up each page. The thought behind the words, pictures, little decorations. haha if i be honest I feel loved. Feels like i'm more than I think I am? haha.

One really precious word though, that rings through the letters was "inspiration". Haha I think it really touches me to see that I'm seen as an inspiration to some? I'm not sure why, and what, but I think nothing really beats the feeling of knowing you've impacted someone? hope I'm being a good inspiration then, really want to see people finding their true potentials as well as playing a part in making this world imperfectly perfect.

But really, i think all this wudn't be possible without her. I cant express my gratitude to her using any words now. I'm amazed, touched, shocked, thankful. I cant possibly know how much it took you to get all this done, and imagining it is already scary enough. but as the days go and I hear the accounts of people I meet, it's crazy to discover how much you've been doing for this. Everywhere? Like you've went to explored almost every part of my life to get that fragment of memory for me. Must have been a great deal of work, especially with you having to bear your pain too :/

Frankly, you've won me a little inside. I feel like giving it one more chance to pull things back together again. I'm not sure what I ought to do though. Like you said, maybe apart might be better for us. I'm not in a good state for any close relationships, there's still so much issues and selfishness to fix, and having you to bear the brunt of my egocentric life isn't fair for you. Part of me wants you in my life, yet another selfish part doesn't seem to cherish you. And it plays out in this nasty hurt game. I need to tell myself to have faith and be strong to let you go, that you can find your happiness too. I'm not sure where we go from here. Wish we could still be at least friends =/

but all in all, thank you so much for this wonderful gift, and the many sweet things that goes with it. It's the best gift ever so far, I'll keep it with me, and in my heart wherever I go. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to me. Now let's face the new year!

Labels: frenz, heart, life, memories, qq

"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"

Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.

the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.

I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.

I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.

I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.

But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls

What is love, without acceptance?

Labels: frenz, life, Me, thoughts

Dear God,

It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.

Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.

Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.

Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.

Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.

I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.

Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.

But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.

Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.

Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.

Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.

Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.

Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.

Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.

Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.

Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.

Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.

I want to abide in You.

Labels: frenz, God, heart, life, love, memories, prayer, qq, thoughts

Life is greatly governed by the choices we make in response to our circumstances. No matter how tempting, or how pressing a dilemma, the choice is made by our own will. The worst of course, is when you're pivoted between two extreme circumstances, when neither choice would be a pleasant one. Then again, there are choices that cant be weigh out simply by measuring pros and cons, or majority rules. It's a whole new level when it involves people.

Been through a few difficult choices myself. Giving up an envied secondary school experience to be homeschooled. To stop dwelling in self-pity from past issues, putting aside my anguish to serve others. To dive into my fears with faith.

One of the toughest decision was particularly antagonizing. "Who would you choose to save if two of your loved ones were drowning at opposite ends and you only had time to rescue one?" A stereotypical question that challenges the values and priorities of one, said sometimes out of jest or pique. But it's no laughing matter when it becomes a reality, that terrible burden of extremity the fate of two lives lies responsible in your hands. And then some choices give you the luxury of time, harder ones dont.

Things get complicated when you try to assign a value to things, or worse people. Some things despite a difference in value, are incomparable on the same scale. Placing friendship over a life passion or dreams can be understandably difficult, but prioritizing between the happiness of two close friends makes everything horrible. Either one friend would have the fortune of been the chosen one, but neither one choice would make the one deciding feel any good about it. How does one bring about the message of having to let go of you, no amount of apologies or reason can ever offset the devastation it would bring on that person yet it doesnt bring any less pain to make such a decision To someone so special I could only mouth out a pathetic shameful "sorry" wishing I never have to apologize for such reasons ever again. It didnt meant I valued you less. I valued you differently.

Rule of the thumb. Don't compare. And don't bet yourself against another person.

Labels: frenz, thoughts

Intended to do my fyp today but was mostly sickish the whole day. Spent most of the day lying and sleeping in the refuge of the water.

Thought about many things as usual.

Friends are a hard topic for me. Wish I didn't have to be this way. And I wondered as well, would it be worth it? If I pressed on, without knowledge of the end. Would we walk down the years together? Would we be a passing memory in each others diaries? Would we be a grudge of broken dreams and promises?

Recent inspiration I pondered. Would you still be with someone if there'll be 99 days of heartache but 1 day of true love.

Knowing the final day of true love, we'll know that it'll be worth it. For that 1 day of true love outweighs the suffering and pain. The joy outshines the pain, making it worthwhile. And it's surely a beautiful thing, probably makes a good story to tell too.

But then what if you couldn't saw an end, the other side of it? There's a path to take, but a shroud of mist guarding it. Pebbles and sharp rocks strewn all over the ground. Uncertainty lies ahead. Nobody knows how long the path stretches on. You can only so imagine what the prize might be.

Some people skip past for a safer bet. Some grab the opportunity regardlessly. Some tread cautiously. Some turn back halfway. Some lose hope. Some stop after finding something likable. Some steer off-course. Some lose strength at the final hurdle.

Only a few make it to the end, with an achieving taste of joy and well saying the journey was worth it all. A declaration only boldly made by those who experienced the arduousness. Like a career built on hardwork and perseverance. A university/college entry earned by endless academic mugging. The flavour of a treasured friendship battered by bouts of conflicts and difficulties. Isn't that the morale behind every grand story, an inspiration for what we couldn't or in fact, didn't do.

The paths we take determine the stories of our lives. Dont live in regrets, wishing you would have done something different. Nothing is impossible when there's a will. However big or wide or long an obstacle, if you really want to cross it, you'll be dam sure to find one across somehow. Some paths have heavier burdens but the end of it is always worth it, always. Let faith and love take your hands and guide you through the pain.

Labels: frenz, love, thoughts

Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.

Labels: frenz, life, memories

Something I'll need to learn to do, to truly care for a friend's problem just as I would for mine, maybe then I'll too become a better friend.

Labels: frenz

Monday

First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but  we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~





TUESDAY

Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.


WEDNESDAY

Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.






THURSDAY

Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.

Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.


FRIDAY

First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.

At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday



SATURDAY

Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.


SUNDAY

Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.

Labels: cell, church, deaf, frenz, God, life, memories

:)


Met Vic and Yve probably for the last time before entering army soon >< Love these two crazy peeps, whenever I'm with them, my retardedness doubles up :D But yea, I love having them laugh at me. It feels great being yourself and bringing laughter to people.



Ahh, I remember them being my first friends in poly. The reason for me having my first late night msn group chats til 4am. Sometimes I miss all the silly jokes and htht-ing. Without them, my poly life would never had such a great start. Thank you for embracing me as I am, my craziness and silliness altogether, and for letting me know I'm remembered.

Labels: frenz, memories

Cell planned a farewell lunch for me and zx :D Am gonna miss them surely now that I wont be able to join them.

I remember my first two years in PolyITE1 wasn't all so good for me. Was the only one of my level/age for two years thus feeling disconnected from the rest. Been always dissatisfied at way things been. Was until my last year where I figured, sintead of thinking what this cell was for me, what could I be for the cell instead?

From there, things really took off, I learnt to opened up more, and to care for my fellow cell mates, sometimes hearing them out when they have troubles. And oh haha it makes me really happy inside whenever they get excited when I say there's activities, makes me feel really appreciated and motivated to plan new applicable stuffs to do haha.

Anyway, hope things continue to be better. A part of me regrets not doing more for this cell, but I know things will be well cos God's in control =)

²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10

Labels: cell, church, frenz, life, memories

"I forgive you"

Somehow I felt like it was needed of me to tell him that. Not sure if it made a difference to him, but things like these should never be kept hidden.

"I forgive you for hurting me that night. For when I gave you the closest thing to my heart and in my vulnerability, you responded by tossing it aside followed with the cutting words "Get over it". "

I knew in the heat of the moment you didn't mean many things you said, but it still cut me deeply. Heh, it took me awhile to get pass the anger and hatred. But I thank God for his grace in softening my heart to release the hurts and misjudgment.

Labels: frenz, God, life

Shall just make a quick entry.

It's a time of transition, a new phase. One of the many thing that worries me is friends. I love the social circle I have, CCA, class, HMS, and the many ity bits here and there. Moving into the new season means having to part with many of them as we all go towards our separate callings. Everyone of these souls have made a part of my life for 3 years, big or small, known or unknown. Sometimes I wish if it's possible to thank them all.

It's 2 months left before my enlistment. I'm scared in these 2 years, I'll lose contact with more people than I hoped. And I'll try my best to cherish whatever time I have with whoever I can spend it with. Put in more effort to pursue my friends. It has to be more than just needs, perhaps, simply for friendship itself.

I'll try. really.

Labels: frenz, life

If there's one thing personal I could take back from yesterday's conversation, it would be freedom. Freedom from your thoughts of me. But, yesterday, all I saw was that you couldn't accept me. You said you wanted to know me, yet in my realness, both good and bad, you couldn't accept the flaws and cracks. You couldn't accept that part of me, the inner depths of who I really am behind all the good.

I've always had the dilemma whether it was me being hard to accept, or you not accepting me. Because I respected and valued you, I stuck to me being the issue. I didn't want badly of you, I wanted to uphold that image of a hero I thought you to be. And so I just took in everything you threw out at me; the truth, the lies. While the truth help me see my blindspots, the lies formed negative impressions of myself that you selfishly projected unto me.

 I feel really cheated. I feel stupid. I feel angry. I feel hatred. Towards you and myself. But at least now I can safely say the fault isn't entirely mine, that I'm not the sole bad person in every conflict. I hope to get over this negative feelings, so I won't be stiffened up by this hurts.

For myself, I'll hav to learn to forgive, to accept, and to let go. Mixed feelings towards you now. Dun think I'll show you that side of me anymore, seeing how distasteful it was for you. That'll be the best you can get from me, the good parts without the person I am. And the best I can personally give is I'm sorry, sorry I wasn't a good friend.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.

For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?

Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude:
1. He/she loves you more than you do.
2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.

People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?

I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).

I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?

To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?

For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.

That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.

There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?

Labels: frenz, love, Me, thoughts

Sometimes I don't know what to do. It's reached that stage where I hit the glass ceiling again. After this point, most relationships either stagnate or fade. I'm scared. It feels like I'm helplessly bound to lose them.

The feeling sucks, sometimes I just watch on as other friendships continue to solidify into stability, still maintaining contact, calling each out for dates and I wonder to myself why the hell doesn't all this come natural to me. It's as though my heart was kept behind invisible walls, and I slowly succumb to the belief in my ineptitude for friendship, the long lasting deep ones I mean. I can't find my way out to people, to the dreams I see myself to be.

I have a lot of undesirable traits when it comes to friendship. On immediate second thoughts, people have commented that I am or will make a good friend. Would that be me over-analyzing my flaws, or sadly that people being unaware of them until closer proximity. I wonder if anyone understands.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

Came across someone's blog quite some time ago. In one entry, the author wrote about an estranged friendship, of how they used to be close, being his first friend in class, though now a rift separates them and he isn't sure why.

I know this two persons, though I didn't know they had a sad story between them.

Recently at an event, I saw these two friends again. Things were different though, they were playing and tickling each other, laughing and playing. I remember the look of ecstasy when they knew they were in the same team.

It's quite a touching sight, seeing two people, once close friends turned strangers, to hav that reconciliation between them again.

Wonder if I could hav that chance too. Being able to have that treasured bond again...

Labels: frenz, thoughts

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful.

Saw this quote which I kept some time back, Thought it's sounded meaningful and tried see how I could relate to it. Today, I do.

In this whole endless saga of broken friendship and failures, I've become so broken, lost myself, lost my fire (as mentioned by someone). Right now I'm just in this pathetic state, where I feel completely worthless, and bruised. Yet in some light, self-absorbed. Self-absorbed in victimizing myself from the hurts. A false nobility, perhaps.

There's this war going on in my head everyday. A whole lot of self talk. Though it often ends up in aimless late nights and a couple of tears. But gotta keep up the fight, I think I'll need three things for myself.

Be fair.
I think I'm taking on too much responsibility that isn't mine. I keep blaming myself for my mistakes, for being the cause of how they've change. Though there's always that struggle whenever I see them. But, surely even if I was the sole culprit, my responsibility can only go as far till how they respond. Whatever they decide to do, is beyond my means. Correcting my faults should be the only thing I need to do now, not to correct theirs. Of course, friendship has to be two ways, as subjective as it be, I need to remind myself I can't be the only one bearing the weight of the broken friendship. They have their mistakes too, though less seen; they've hurt me too, though less understood. I try when I can, and I try with as much as I can give. As long as I be accountable, knowing that I gave my best, whatever little, insignificant or untrustworthy it may be, I did what I was to do.

Stop self-pitying
A state I ought to know better not to fall in. I think I've been in it for quite some time without realizing, falling deeper and deeper into its allure. One thing I've been holding on to, is how I'm not accepted, and being too screwed, and shifting towards the feeling of having all fault placed on me. And for that, I've been feeling so unjust, about my sincere efforts overlooked and disregarded. From there, setting myself in this sorry state, feeling worthless. Yet as others around me showered concern, fellowship, with time, thoughtful words, and love to let me know otherwise, I remain blinded to those around, solely focused on wanting that vindication from him, from her. To hear from themselves that they had a part in this, in this chaotic mess of bruises. Yet ignoring all the rest who tells me the same. In the end, I live everyday waiting, for the apology I deserve, and it's become my only purpose. But hey, am I just gonna live everyday just for that one sorry. It'll definitely make me feel much better, yet letting it govern my thoughts, my feelings, it isn't gonna be worth it. Time to let go; time to move on.

Believe.
Man, really, the days ahead are gonna be tough. All these scars and hurt, whether trangressed or self inflicted are going to shape how I treat myself in the future. Part of my mind tells me I shouldn't let anyone else get closer less the repeat, yet another part of me is dying to believe I'm worth it, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that perhaps, I am lovable. But then again, people can do all they can, as they might be doing now, and if my heart isn't open, I'd never feel anything. Gotta learn and believe again. Second chances. Stop wasting time moping around in emo thoughts and cherish the people I have now, before I lose them over again.

Not sure how the week ahead is gonna turn out, but really really need to pull myself together. I don't promise things will be well throughout, but I'd try my best to fight off those thoughts that shouldn't be.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.



Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.

"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

Labels: EMO, frenz

Shit =l

Something struck my mind about something you said. Was trying to find it out in our log when I stumbled into our old conversations. Before 2010. So much memories of the times when we were closer~ We were chatting so casually almost everyday. Friends, I miss us how we were back then

Jan 1

I was gonna ask the class to sing a birthday song for your birthday and you pleaded me not to. Shy I guess? haha xD And then you wanting to surprise me with a cake for mine (yet you asked me what cake flavour I would think is nice - lol fail surprise) And then I told you I wanted you to sing a birthday song for me, which you expectantly protested.

Looks like I finally got to hear it this year eh =) Beautiful~ ^^ I love the sound of it, the ring of your voice, that mixture of sincerity and bashfulness, a lovely tune that makes the heart melt. Thank you for the song. (Wowza, I waited 2 years for this eh ^^)

and as I scroll down, I'm reading the conversations when I felt down or discouraged. I'm seeing you encouraging me or trying to find ways to help me. And me in return encouraging you to be more positive. I love the tone we used to have last time. Felt like we were peers on equals.

Then came the letter. 15 Jan 2010. A day after my birthday when I first left you. Been lost in the sad world for so long, I decided to leave everything behind to pursue bigger things to make my life more meaningful. Wanted to break out of it, and I wanted to bring you along, though you preferred to stay. Sadly, me being me then, I didn't have the courage to tell you, even lying when you asked if the letter referred to you.

That was the changing point for me and you I guess? From there we spoke lesser, that closeness and casual interactions slowly became more sadness behind smiles. We've moved apart ever since. I've changed too, finally breaking out of that shell, and now I've done more and became someone I'd never see myself to be in the past. Once a sad lonely fearful and introverted person, and now, I'm standing in front of people, doing crazy things, teaching skills, imparting wisdom, from nothing, to a figure at the top. ha, Of course, fame isn't what I asked, just wanted to live my life to the fullest and see others do the same. You've changed too. haha.

I wonder if we could still ever be friends. I really really miss those times.


Edit:

I ended up staying up reading through the chats we had. and hm here's something you said which foreshadowed today.

Nov 2009

"Okay. You can go. But once you go, I'll really label you as a real friend ar. & if anything bad happen between us, I'll really hate you. Clear?!"

And then I responded telling you I was uncertain about how I've changed after YEP.

"Well, no need hide~ Show them to people you know won't mind then. Anyway, real friends will accept you for who you are"

Haha, as much as the commemoration of our official start as real friends and the joy that comes with it, it's heart piercing to see how we've become. Many of my mistakes and your response to them. But yet one little thing triggering those dumb tears... Real friends... That's what he told me too. Guess it I'm still too screwed up for even real friends to accept. I've failed you then.

My heart feels so heavy now. All these precious memories sinking in~

Labels: frenz, heart, memories, qq

First off, I don't even know how to respond to everything really. It's so big and unexpected. Didn't had much to look forward to my birthday as things hadn't been so good, but with her extensive effort and support of many, I think this is one of the most memorable birthday I had. Most.

Last minute changes kinda had me 1 hour late for my lunch surprise. If feeling bad that I was late for 3 ppl's lunch wasn't bad enough, had a dam big shock walking into my surprise lunch gathering. Had a 2 rows of people waiting for me. Meh, unsettling to see the people there really. Juniors, seniors, friends, family, haha felt touched having everyone there.

Regretted something though. Didn't get to spend much time with everyone overall. Honestly was quite affected by myself being late and upsetting her, after awhile I had to take a breather cos I couldn't hold my already 'bad' smile anymore. Took a walk, and kinda lost track of time. By the time I returned, forget the already little time left, things were kinda done. Had a few birthday songs sung for me and a cake, and everything mostly dissipated afterwards. Wished I talked to everyone more, The stupid thing is, everyone went to the lunch for me, yet, I was least present. Like though I was some ingrate. A lesson not to harp on negative feelings.

The second big part would be this giant heavy orange scrapbook. Dam shit I love it. Huiqi said she thought of doing this to document my poly life since it was something big for me. And it's secretly on my wishlist too. It's heartwarming flipping through the pages of the book. There's even notes from people I considered myself to be of nothing to. I'm running out of words to describe the feeling that I have, seeing the effort and time people took to do up each page. The thought behind the words, pictures, little decorations. haha if i be honest I feel loved. Feels like i'm more than I think I am? haha.

One really precious word though, that rings through the letters was "inspiration". Haha I think it really touches me to see that I'm seen as an inspiration to some? I'm not sure why, and what, but I think nothing really beats the feeling of knowing you've impacted someone? hope I'm being a good inspiration then, really want to see people finding their true potentials as well as playing a part in making this world imperfectly perfect.

But really, i think all this wudn't be possible without her. I cant express my gratitude to her using any words now. I'm amazed, touched, shocked, thankful. I cant possibly know how much it took you to get all this done, and imagining it is already scary enough. but as the days go and I hear the accounts of people I meet, it's crazy to discover how much you've been doing for this. Everywhere? Like you've went to explored almost every part of my life to get that fragment of memory for me. Must have been a great deal of work, especially with you having to bear your pain too :/

Frankly, you've won me a little inside. I feel like giving it one more chance to pull things back together again. I'm not sure what I ought to do though. Like you said, maybe apart might be better for us. I'm not in a good state for any close relationships, there's still so much issues and selfishness to fix, and having you to bear the brunt of my egocentric life isn't fair for you. Part of me wants you in my life, yet another selfish part doesn't seem to cherish you. And it plays out in this nasty hurt game. I need to tell myself to have faith and be strong to let you go, that you can find your happiness too. I'm not sure where we go from here. Wish we could still be at least friends =/

but all in all, thank you so much for this wonderful gift, and the many sweet things that goes with it. It's the best gift ever so far, I'll keep it with me, and in my heart wherever I go. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to me. Now let's face the new year!

Labels: frenz, heart, life, memories, qq

"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"

Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.

the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.

I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.

I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.

I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.

But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls

What is love, without acceptance?

Labels: frenz, life, Me, thoughts

Dear God,

It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.

Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.

Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.

Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.

Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.

I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.

Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.

But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.

Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.

Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.

Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.

Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.

Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.

Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.

Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.

Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.

Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.

I want to abide in You.

Labels: frenz, God, heart, life, love, memories, prayer, qq, thoughts

Life is greatly governed by the choices we make in response to our circumstances. No matter how tempting, or how pressing a dilemma, the choice is made by our own will. The worst of course, is when you're pivoted between two extreme circumstances, when neither choice would be a pleasant one. Then again, there are choices that cant be weigh out simply by measuring pros and cons, or majority rules. It's a whole new level when it involves people.

Been through a few difficult choices myself. Giving up an envied secondary school experience to be homeschooled. To stop dwelling in self-pity from past issues, putting aside my anguish to serve others. To dive into my fears with faith.

One of the toughest decision was particularly antagonizing. "Who would you choose to save if two of your loved ones were drowning at opposite ends and you only had time to rescue one?" A stereotypical question that challenges the values and priorities of one, said sometimes out of jest or pique. But it's no laughing matter when it becomes a reality, that terrible burden of extremity the fate of two lives lies responsible in your hands. And then some choices give you the luxury of time, harder ones dont.

Things get complicated when you try to assign a value to things, or worse people. Some things despite a difference in value, are incomparable on the same scale. Placing friendship over a life passion or dreams can be understandably difficult, but prioritizing between the happiness of two close friends makes everything horrible. Either one friend would have the fortune of been the chosen one, but neither one choice would make the one deciding feel any good about it. How does one bring about the message of having to let go of you, no amount of apologies or reason can ever offset the devastation it would bring on that person yet it doesnt bring any less pain to make such a decision To someone so special I could only mouth out a pathetic shameful "sorry" wishing I never have to apologize for such reasons ever again. It didnt meant I valued you less. I valued you differently.

Rule of the thumb. Don't compare. And don't bet yourself against another person.

Labels: frenz, thoughts

Intended to do my fyp today but was mostly sickish the whole day. Spent most of the day lying and sleeping in the refuge of the water.

Thought about many things as usual.

Friends are a hard topic for me. Wish I didn't have to be this way. And I wondered as well, would it be worth it? If I pressed on, without knowledge of the end. Would we walk down the years together? Would we be a passing memory in each others diaries? Would we be a grudge of broken dreams and promises?

Recent inspiration I pondered. Would you still be with someone if there'll be 99 days of heartache but 1 day of true love.

Knowing the final day of true love, we'll know that it'll be worth it. For that 1 day of true love outweighs the suffering and pain. The joy outshines the pain, making it worthwhile. And it's surely a beautiful thing, probably makes a good story to tell too.

But then what if you couldn't saw an end, the other side of it? There's a path to take, but a shroud of mist guarding it. Pebbles and sharp rocks strewn all over the ground. Uncertainty lies ahead. Nobody knows how long the path stretches on. You can only so imagine what the prize might be.

Some people skip past for a safer bet. Some grab the opportunity regardlessly. Some tread cautiously. Some turn back halfway. Some lose hope. Some stop after finding something likable. Some steer off-course. Some lose strength at the final hurdle.

Only a few make it to the end, with an achieving taste of joy and well saying the journey was worth it all. A declaration only boldly made by those who experienced the arduousness. Like a career built on hardwork and perseverance. A university/college entry earned by endless academic mugging. The flavour of a treasured friendship battered by bouts of conflicts and difficulties. Isn't that the morale behind every grand story, an inspiration for what we couldn't or in fact, didn't do.

The paths we take determine the stories of our lives. Dont live in regrets, wishing you would have done something different. Nothing is impossible when there's a will. However big or wide or long an obstacle, if you really want to cross it, you'll be dam sure to find one across somehow. Some paths have heavier burdens but the end of it is always worth it, always. Let faith and love take your hands and guide you through the pain.

Labels: frenz, love, thoughts