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Around Me I See Shadows Falling
Sunday, May 30, 2010

Feeling quite lost today. Something isnt right. Just strolling across Downtown East with absolutely no idea where to go. But that lostness was not on where to have lunch. Something within me just felt empty once again.

I'm thinking, all the hype of the new semster, the new friends I've made, the retarded clown to the freshies, the new responsibilities, and things that makes life more fun as it is, maybe it's overwhelm the call, my call.

Suddenly, I don't feel good anymore. Yea, to some extent some of you will scoff at, is about me being eh... popularish. I'm not boasting in any way here, just abt me somehow being more likable. But yea, am I basking too much in all the glory and attention that I forget who I am?

Whatever happened to me wanting to impact others. I dunno, sometimes I just end up not doing much. And yes, I am quite dissatisfied with myself, I'm dissatisfied about not doing enough, not being kind enough, nor caring enough. I'm not even the least bit sensitive or having the wisdom to do what's right and needful.

This dissatisfaction is something I do value, something that spurs me on for the greater good. To me, mistakes are tolerable, but perfection ought to be our goals. Perfectionist? I'm sorry no, it's just the calling for all us christians to be Christ-like. Perfection. It's practically impossible, but theoretically a possible feat. Like the vastness of space, it's impractical for distance traveling, it'll take infinite energy and mass to travel at the speed of light before the being of matter collapses. Our walk in life is rightfully the pursuit of godly living and God within us, many of us fail to realize.

I find it hard. Really. I find it hard to try to listen to everyone's woes with interest. I find it hard to catch those small little hints people give out. I find it hard to talk to everyone, and all my friends without getting burned out myself. I find it hard to think of something to keep a conversation going. I find it hard to maintain friendships. I find it hard to click on someone's name on msn and say hi. I find it hard to be responsible for all my friends. I find it hard to dare go an extra step for someone because I'm afraid I might do something wrong. I find it hard to pursue people, without letting my difficulties stop me. I find it hard to allow people to depend on me, when I cant even do that myself. I find it hard to assume others won't get affected by what I do, my introvertness and stuff.

I'd love to be such a person who can fulfill all of these. Someone making a difference in other's lives. I'd love to know that someone's life changed for the better because I did something. But I'm finding it quite a challenge. All you my friends, might be feeling some of my limitations already. Me never talking to you, not saying hi, stop conversing on msn like we used to.

I dun quite give a dam about riches, grades and whatever else the world goes for to satisfy it's selfish cravings. To me, all this are just tangible things in these world that will fade. Many trust in this for happiness. I beg to differ. This things do bring happiness, but only the temporal kind.

Money will deplete with time, and economical crises break the rice bowls of many. Grades are just scores then certify we had our qualifications, the hard work we put in through the years, but to be head-smart or heart-smart, I'll go with the latter. Being head-smart helps you rise to ranks easily, so that you can feel achieved and satisfied. Heart-smart gives you the same contentment and fulfilment in doing your best wherever you are, whatever you do.

All I want is skills and the wisdom on how to help others, be there for others when they need someone. Though I quite suck at it. I want to know how to help people, rather than all the stupid lame talk. I want to be people out there who cares enough for others. Those are amazing people.

But it sucks. Cause I cant do that. I'm trying, and I know I could one day. I dun dare allow people to get close to me. I'm afraid I'll break their hearts. I end up playing a intimacy game, where I go close to people, only to draw back from them, and then maybe try patch it up, and then run away again. Ways where I either appear mean and selfish, walk away from others, and stuff like that.

A wavering friendship to many. A fleeting cloud. I'm afraid I'm not good enough to support others if they get too close to me. I think I'm not good enough. Perhaps some of analyst would claim I'm just afraid to get myself hurt. Perhaps, but I like the way some parts of me has no selfish intentions. I really don't want to hurt people ._. I've already suffered the breaking of relationships, the loss of important ones, even the irreplaceable "only one"s. Maybe I've let my depth of self-awareness grow to deep, I end up letting the knowledge of my weaknesses stumble me. I don't suffer from inferiority complex, I just wan to pursue some kind of life that's good enough to touch someone.

I could stop making friends. That way, I can stop breaking their hearts too. I haven't got the time to think about who would miss me or such but, I don't even want a single person to feel bad about me neglecting them. But my stupid core dynamics within me drives me to do against my desires.

I'm laden with duty and responsibility the moment I make a friend. I don't how others treat or see friendship, but to me, as long as I'm a friend, I've a responsibility and duty for the welfare of the friend. Lol, I presume many would disagree about individuals owing others nothing, but I think people tend to miss out and the small little things people do that affect one another. That's the way I like to see thing, super-micro. To many, they see the air around them as it is - completely nothing. I see it the way how one molecule hits the other, how air comprises of many different elements and bla bla bla.

Life to me, ought to be spent living for the greater good of others, that's my philosophy. Others reprimand me about putting too much unnecessary burdens on myself. Making me feel bad for nothing, but my explanation to you is that, I do not enjoy living a selfish life and by this means, I do not enjoy anything that places me before others. Even if it does, it won't last. Ha, argue all ya want kay? I belief life as a purpose for bringing well-being to others.

But I feel incapable of handling this responsibilities. I feel I'm carelessly making friends, toying with their hearts and yet not doing anything right in return. Yet, when a friendship is going to the rocks, I cant help but want to try repair it, reluctant to let it go, I think I selfishly try to bring the friendship up, despite knowing that I wont be able to sustain it, and then leading it to chaos soon again. And time and time over again, I play with their hearts. I don't want to lose people in my life, I value all of them... But... I'm incapable of providing them a rightful friendship due to them.

In the end, all around me I see shadows falling, cant help but feel it's my doing. People feeling unhappy about me maybe not being as close, not caring as much, not talking as frequently. I feel like shit whenever I see one soul feeling in a negative way in some relation to something I did. It turns my world upside down. I hate myself. I think I suck.

I'm tired of being a friend. I'm tired of breaking hearts. But I dun want to be alone. I grew up alone in a dark world. I don't want go back. I want to be loved. Selfishness... Am I placing myself before others? Am I wrong to make friendships I cannot keep?

I'm sorry everyone. Sorry for everything I did to you that made you feel bad. Sorry for being so selfish. I'm not even worthy of being anyone's friend...

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Unbridled Tongue
Saturday, May 29, 2010

Whooo, for such a long time since, I'm finally blogging stuff abt my life. Hooray for thoughtless posts (for all you out there that thinks this blog is too chim)

Haaaa, went to collect my goodie bag for BYS (Bare Your Sole) with Yz, yve, zx, ds and lawwwlz was failshly fun =D Met zx's student in place of yvette cos she's super lazzzy. HAHA joking ok =x I just kinda feel like doing some helpful .__. Alrite, and then here I am at Tamp MRT in a black long sleeves and omg, supposed to meet the person at 1.15 so I stay in side the station without tapping out. ohmyohmy, end up the fella late, I not blaming the person luh, sometimes we all somehow late here or there right haha. anyways, cooked in my long sleeves til 1.30 where it was too late for me to go straight to tanah merah so I kinda tap out =/ There's a 40 minutes buffer for you to tap in/out of somewhere 1-4 stations away. So that means I have 40 minutes to stay on the mrt without tapping out from simei til 4 stations away. bet ya didnt know that hehex.

Anyway, collected from the person and decided to chill at Tampinese Mall like literally chill. Was so freaking wet =,= I walked around aimlessly at the basement for about 15 minutes before realizing eh... I have actually been walking about aimlessly in circles and I kinda cant find the escalator out =,= yesterday lost in Bugis Junction. Now stinking poops I can get lost in TM's basement. wth.

Taupao Macs for meself and Yvette and then headed to Tanah Merah. She suggested taking bus straight to dhouby. Waseh. the train take so long to come. Sianz. Then met her at the station, chomp on our food before seeing a bus 14 and then baa forget it, we still eating no point chasing. We packed up and walked towards the bus stop and woolala, right behind it is another bus 14. Boarded and sneakily smuggle the macs in like a ninja. Ate on the top deck and lawwwlz. we eating halfway and then Yve wonders why we still at Bedok after so long. BEST SIA. we took bus from the wrong side, neither of us thought of checking which side was towards Dhouby. All the way for NOTHING. at 2.30, we're at Bedok. 1 station away from Tanah Merah =,= Blaaa, everyone was late anyway.

Met the gang at GV and the we decided not to watch Shrek 4. Reasons: I dunno why. Headed off to SMU to collect our goodie bags and sia la, we go around the campus like some amazing race like that. and RAWR, SMU has a mrt station in it. Where got fair!! SP have, SMU have, then NP so far from station. Everytime becos of bus get late. zzz. Met Elvin there, and he hung out with us. lol, we go around Plaza Sing and wheee, me being pretty retarded and getting "Idkwts" replies. Yeap, I'm pro at making comments ppl dunno how to reply. Not cos I too smart, cos, I'm like talking all kinds of nonsense ahahaha.

k luh, now for serious reflective stuff ._.

Was on the train with YZ and Yve heading home and then YZ pulled my shirt sleeve to move me cause got people coming around. I dun exactly liked the idea of her pulling me shirt cos I dun like my clothes stretched into unfitting sizes. And. The bomb. Came. I immediately blurted out in an angry tone, "Don't do that you crazy..." Realizing my wrong, I could only sheepishly utter "...poops" in an attempt to try soften the comment.

But O.O I have no idea where did that come from. I haven't gotten such outburst for quite long to date, but today, was, bad enough to make me go speechless. "crazy" here didn't meant anything literal, but in context, it was a vulgarity used to scold her. The words are just symbols, the attitude remains and even if one is going to use f***, fish, fruck, freak, or frucking fish freak, it holds the same meaning. That aside, this boiled down to me actually scolding her harshly... It was something big for me, be it whether she did take note of that. That was one of my rare outbursts which isn't even good enough. The unbridled tongue brings about wrath... so many times, have I blurted something without it going thru my mind. Many things I said, I shouldn't have .


Whee RANDOM SMILES AGAIN!!!

was talking to a freshie who wanted to join my class for hiclub, go figure...

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Happy Birthday Mommy

Haha, wheee, celebrated my mom's birthday after going out with the homeschoolers.

Dang, I got lost in Bugis Junction today searching for MOF (a restaurant). haha siaaaan, I walk up down left right and keep seeing the same places. But brings back memories of the day I went with Timo to accompany FangXiu to find a hoodie for her friend's birthday.

Anyways, hooray I dun even know when's my mom's birthday... lucky still got facebook. will be so darn paiseh if I had to ask her just because I kept forgetting. Nevermind.

Here's a random poem for you mom =)

Thanks for being strong when others were weak,
For hanging on, without stops for break.
Giving your all, from none to take;
My promise my life, good I'll make.


BWUAHAHAHA, MY MOM LOOKS YOUNG RIGHT! YOUNG LOOKS FTW

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The class is greener on the other side
Friday, May 28, 2010

Yeeeeezzz!!! Essay is done woots. finally feel so free now :)

And dang =,= my phone connecttion with my lappie is spoilt, now i gotta 1 by 1 bluetooth the pics over. sianz Gonna have upload some of them =)

Yeap, realized I dun normally post much during the weekdays cos there so much work to do.

Random update anyway, since I forgot why I starting writing this for.

Falling sick but pheewww, more or less getting better.

Hi Club 1F rawks! Intermediate on the other hand doesnt... Dunno, wonder if my life in Hi! club is just gonna be that ordinary... Basic A, alone but with the best instructor ever. Basic B almost alone if not for Tim's last minute transfer. Song choice sucked with peeps in class voting for it and then not turning up for class in the end =,= learnt to like the song anyway. and sheesh, I knew most of my Basic B words already it was kinda boring too. Had to self entertain most of the time by making lame jokes to keep myself amused. Now intermediate... all my friends in other classes. Main core members learning in thurs' class while other bunch learning on thurs and I'm in another class with peeps I'm not close with, some I never knew, and stuff like that, all because of bloody dynamics and certain political reasons. =,= dammit.

Heck luh, to die for my king... what to do. Even the best generals by the side of the king's army, one day may have to give up their life for the greater good right. lols. Anyway, still learning to enjoy my class luh, despite some annoying factors. Becoming less and less motivated abt hiclub class. Every monday gets worse than before, I haven't been happy since each intermediate class =/ Class doesnt seems as fun/enthu as an intermediate class ought to, my own enthu also kena dampened liao... oweeelllz

*looks back* Hey not bad, I found smemthing to write on =D

Anyways, with my time much freer now, kinda inspired to start on altruism again =D starting from the personal level. Help me friends and do some good for the people around. hehex ^^ HAHA need my help better ask now, later I lesser time, harder for me to help =P kekex


Havnt done this for a really long time... only shows how somber my blog has been nowadays .__. but nvm... cos its...

RANDOM SMILES :D:D:D:D:D

I hate my fingers for stupid typos and I think the feeling is mutual...

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To Be A Better Man
Sunday, May 23, 2010

Haha, finally something enlightening. Just read thru 40 pages of GMH and haha, sheesh. It is indeed touching to read through all the entries. Feeling inspired to do more and be a better person for others.

I wanna be someone who impacts people lives. I wanna make a change. I'm still not good enough. Need to stop being so slack and insensitive.

God please make me a better person. I wish I could just change without having to go through all the refinement =/ God, as has been my prayer, tonight I ask of You again, that wont You please help me.

Help me make this world a better place.
Help me bring love to others.
Help me bless others.
Help me put a smile on faces.
Help me touch hearts.
Help me make others feel loved and fuzzy.
Help me be a good listener.
Help me with ideas to do something for someone.
Help me be a good friend.
Help me do things beyond my means.
Help me overcome my introvertness.
Help me to not let my history hinder me from doing good.
Help me take the first step.
Help me rescue the souls of others.
Help me be a hope for those without.
Help me be someone to guide others well.
Help me be less self-centered.
Help me care for others more.
Help me want to know others more.
Help me with wisdom to counsel those in need.
Help me be bold.
Help me love You more.
Help me make a difference everyday.
Help me be a friend to the lonely.
Help me care for those who none do.
Help me have an unconditional love for everyone.
Help me to be less discriminating.
Help me be less moody.
Help me live less by my feelings.
Help me reach out to others.
Help me be more thoughtful.
Help me more kind.
Help me be more caring.
Help me pray more.
Help me learn how to talk.
Help me help myself.

Help me dear God, to be someone good.

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Hold Me In Your Arms
Saturday, May 22, 2010

Woots, have been doing nothing for the past 2 days. But heh, I'm seriously up to neck in work. But no motivation to start on any of them. This will probably result in me chionging like some major shit for the next 2 weeks.

Anyway, it's been bugging me for weeks and I've no idea where it came from or started. It's causing me to do things I don't exactly thing is good, but sometimes I cant help it. The urge is troubling me more and more. I can only dream of it like in the shows, with exception to that extremely rare and lovely moment a few weeks ago. Maybe I should stop watching too many shows, maybe I should stop dreaming. After all, much of these shows are just part of portrayed unfulfilled dreams.

Ha! Searched me collections of thoughts and found this that depicts my thoughts about my thoughts xD
"I'm pretty darn sure it wouldn't be that way, but that small voice keeps telling me, "What if?" and so, I still believe..."
And so, my desires drive me on. Is it wrong to think this way? Why am I desiring it again? Would it be wrong if I did it? Would it be possible? Will there be someone? Is this a need or want? Is this just a flawed view of reality?

Some sources discourage it, of all the negatives it will cause. But how much of this is just me wanting it? Songs, shows, jokes, chats all have a hidden tinge of the unconscious want as well. In fact, if I wanted, I'm sure I could just grab what's in front of me, but I doubt at all that would be fruitful. But sometimes I still think I'm just dreaming of the ideals. But then, I see around me, what if it wasn't as impossible as I thought it would be...

Haha, yes, abstract I know. I'll give ya all ambiguous one word. I leave it to ya'll to decipher it in whichever way you assume it to be.

Companion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just got a really random thought. A tough one too.
If in life, you had to choose between forgoing one of two people, as though you never knew them in your life, never will met them, never will have any experiences related to them, never will have the impact they made on you, which would it be...?

Your closest and best friend, or the one you know you'd love with all your heart.
The companion of the soul or the companion of the heart?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh crap, this post just gets longer and longer the more I think. HAHA but yea, companionship. I believe most of us would have an impossible decision to make to the proposed question, that's if it was rightly defined. Because between those two are a difference in companions, one of the soul and the other for the heart, but both equally important. One gives and receives what the other cannot. A friend whose intimacy with you grows as close or beyond kinship, or a partner who fills that void within your heart with a bubbly, delirious yet an unfailing love to do things beyond the cause of the selfishness of the human heart. Of course ideally, it would be great if both were one, then we wouldn't need anyone else in this world. Unfortunately, that is hard to achieve and we fulfill the desire for companionship through multiple individuals, changing personas if they might. For one without these bonds, does their heart and soul yearn, and in time, grow cold to the world. But that call within us never dies, it is the programming of human nature, far deeper than merely the need for socialization, for friends. How is it that our hearts sink or fills with warmth whenever we read a love story. Might we be jealous of the bonds we lack? The innate destiny of one man's life to be intertwined with another. Bonds.

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Hiding Facades
Friday, May 21, 2010

“Sometimes you’ve got to be able to listen to yourself and be okay with no one else understanding.”

Been horribly busy recently chionging all my work and stuff. Anyways, some of the recent thoughts that been in my mind. About my uniqueness in terms of deviance in accordance to social norm and world's standards. Sure, if you really get to know me well enough, you'll find out I'm not someone normal. And I ain't meaning the kind of "oo everyone's special" kind of way, but in reality of a sheer difference in terms of attitudes, values, beliefs, depth knowledge, faith, and experiences.

Sure, i had always believe I was meant to be different ever since young. I just had this knowing of a different calling. and it's proven through my thoughts and my perspective of life. I've always taken a different path from what the world takes, that I held on to what I felt was a deeper truth. We differ in so many ways and some of the more major ones on thoughts, facades, faith, homeschooling, and even death.

If I were to quickly speak of my differences. Firstly, facades. It is the social norm for everyone to put on a facade. Hide those negative sides, portray a nicer side, hide those hurts, wear fake smiles. No seriously, we, the world, thinks its better off this way yes? protect yourself from hurts, protect yourself from people. Make yourself appear nicely and likable yea?

But really, does it bring us happiness? Sure, we enjoy the company of friends who like us, or like the facades of us. But in times of real testing, will your facades hold? When depression and sadness strikes you, will you hide those hurts and pretend to remain happy. You see, I, in my opinion, consider the show of weakness being a act of strength. Why? Because you're strong enough to face up to it, to admit it, to accept it, to be willing to fight it.

I believe, if we all search deep enough within our hearts, we know that these facades we wear do not bring true happiness, it only provides a temporal happiness where ppl just assume you to be who you are. But this withholding of disclosure denies others a real view of you. It hinders intimacy, it hinders trueness in a relationship.

I dunno, but it seems that society has form us in such ways that some of us completely live our lives behind hidden walls, that it scares me greatly that even after one year, I know completely nothing of the insides of a friend. But do you not see, that this is partially the reason of why friendships do not reach that level of intimacy. True friendship, how many can proclaim they possess?

But this I have decided to live my life by. One without facades or as little facades as possible. You know, the common talk about "its important to be who you truly are" but hey, it is. Because you were made the way you were, you think the way you are and you behave the way you do simply because you are indeed special and irreplacable. Even the ugliest, most unfriendly person has his destiny in this place.

That aside, I think, it is crucial that we live our lives, as who we are truely are, BUT, that we remove negative and characters that are undesirable . I mean by being who you are doesnt mean you go around cursing and swearing as much as the winds blows, being a selfish brat who cares solely for his own wants. But it is through the interaction with others and our true self that we get to filter out the bad stuff, keep the good stuff that signifies you, and yea, work towards being someone better.

Cos seriously, face it. I choose not to wear masks and you do. I get way lot more of bruises and you dont. I have lesser friends than you have. But I know, that in the end, I definitely will be happier than you. Because it is through all the bruises and knocks that I grow how to be stronger, how to better cope with life and you, will still be hiding behind your masks, constantly shaping it to others' likings but by the end of the journey. I lived my life being me, you lived your life being someone else you never were. Your choice.

And this is one of the way my deviance greatly conflicts with the social world. Where I portray my weaknesses, strengths and other thing. I don't think people do like me for the way I do things, but I dunno man. I was a deviant, I still am going to be a deviant. I want to show to the world, that we don't have a need to put on facades, that its ok to be hurting, that we should open ourselves.

I wanna create a caring society. I wanna make love feel alive again.

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Impacting Friends
Sunday, May 16, 2010

Haaa, randomly found a definition of friends while having a chat. You know, I think what friends are meant for is so to impact one's another life. A friend merely for the fun and laughter of enjoying life is good, but in the end, no one benefits anything aside from feeling good. I think friends ought to be the people we make an impact on, and in return them an impact on us. Something like investing in each other's life.

Anywayz, had a heart to heart chat with zk today =) Talked about the people around us, talked abt God's work in our lives. talk abt the problems we see everywhere. Kinda interesting to see our individual analysis on the things going on around us and to learn more abt stuffs.

Recently got a blood clot rawwr, keep pricking my blood blob with the needle. So hard to poke I ended up doing it like liposuction, poke the needle in and out to draw blood. whooohoooz. and lawlz, at one time, my blood was like ribena, purple and liquidish hahax



This week = DIE. all the poly work flowing in like chocolately goodness. ohdear.

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Subjective Objectivity
Saturday, May 15, 2010

Ha, you know what, learning about Carl Jung certainly makes my days abt his personality theories. Cut the long story short, I'm a INTP and one of the characteristics of an INTP is his/her objectivity.

Ok sure, I never knew that it was a personality trait. But come to think of it, it's kinda true. Now it makes sense on why most ppl agree only only half the things I say xD But yea, nice enough. too much objectivity also doesn't get you anywhere sometimes. There's too much factors to consider so in the end you've gotta pick a side.

But yes, this post is written in some sort of declaration to those few whom I have in mind. I, in fact, do have a trait of objectivity. That is, yes, I acknowledge that what you think is fairly right, but it works many other ways too. And just as the sum of the parts is greater than the whole, every single factor weigh individually affects a common effect more than what your thoughts value them to.

aside from this, some of the context my posts are written in. Certainly, many of them hide a subtle theme to prevent direct confrontation of any person or feeling. I cant blame you, but you do need to understand, majority of what i write here, due to my nature, is certainly written in an objective manner. Yes, manner cannot see it, which is because I choose to write it in a mildly ambiguous manner that subjectivity takes over. Everyone interprets it very similarly, as to how the norms of the world often portray such stereotypes.

I hope that perhaps, you do not take everything to heart here, because of the subjective understanding of each matter. You are not fully wrong in the way you understand it, but neither are you fully right. So then, I hope these readings will not make any false impressions for all of you. And funnily enough, if you do seem to feel your impressed beliefs ought to be truer than what I think they are, then you might be mistaken.

I'm a open person and cover no secrets, but the answers don't come easy. After all, the word "enigma" here ought to be self explanatory that things isnt as simple as they seem. Don't be too hopeful if you stumbled across some "findings". These posts of words are more than just simple revelations, you'll need more than that, trust me. The reader cannot outwrite the author after all. The things you learn of me here are controlled by my hands. In summary, don't think you know me too well.

and... I may not be the sensitive enough to respond, but I think I do know enough to spot which are the jokes and which arent... Such games are part of my cards.

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Instructor's Dream
Thursday, May 13, 2010

Whooooo, my first time being an instructor today =D Was super nervouse having the biggest class and the least seats lolz. Wasnt sure how to even start class with so many new faces looking at me.

But i think we did quite well =D A quick round up anyway, super tired from the endless days of late nights and projects.

Say whoooo, I think my class is super awesome. Got some pro peeps, and enthu peeps, and lotsa nice peeps as well. And heh, since i'm no good at making funny jokes, I decided to do it the lame and retarded way. I think I fare fairly ok, getting the class to laugh quite a few times =)

Well well well, seems pretty fun and I look forward to seeing all of them. AND OH YA best I sia, when i release them after the end of the class, some of them come and ask me, er, how to sign 'don't know and never mind?" AND SHUCKS I REALIZE I FORGOT TO TEACH THEM, as in i miss out the words, hahaha


Anyway, fun times aside. Decided to read thru the journal I wrote that jotted each memory I had of you. Both the happy and sad times, but both equally good. Haha, was kinda cute though. Each entry I read I'll just go awww and laugh at my silliness and some of the sweet thoughts written.

Read thru the fun times spent with you, the times of emoness away from you, and how things got better, and than worse, and better. Haha, how we from developed from frens, to good frens, to acquaintances to strangers and now I'm glad that we can be friends again. I'm glad I now see you in without anything more than what friends ought to. Like that, there shouldn't be much for me to fret over. =)

I'm glad to experience all this =) Hard and difficult as they may have been. I've turn out stronger and learnt quite a bit from it. Here's to a future ahead together

Cheers,
Your friend.

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The Secret Key
Monday, May 10, 2010

Shit man. I'm in emo phase once again. Over friendship matters. But this time, I'm just emoing over myself.

Sometimes, I think I suck as a friend. Yea yea, lots of people gonna shoot me for it again, but I dunno if it's my warped thinking or a real difference in what I perceive myself as.

I don't know seriously. I fail in some many aspects as a friend. I'm incapable of small talk, even the most basic form of communication in the building of intimacy. True, silence is fine with me, but I dun feel fine for the other party. At times, it saps my energy to be constantly thinking of something to say so that the other party doesn't always have to initiate the conversation. And in fact, I often have nothing to talk about other then things that I can relate to; school, cca, psychology and chim thoughts, and these aint the stuff most people enjoy talking about.

Ba, some will say it's ok to keep quiet. But the thing is, yea we can keep quiet. But also I cant expect my entire friendship with someone to be purely based on silence alone. I just find more meaning in friendship then simply being friends.

Even then, with my low emotional energy, I find it increasingly hard to maintain several friendships. Yes, some of you all don't even think twice about maintenance. That's how I struggle with friends. I'm quite socially inept.

And the more I try, the harder it seems. Some tell me to let things be and be myself. But it's because I'm being myself which gives me all these stress. I don't want to be myself. I don't want to be reclusive. I don't want to have a little friends. I don't really want to be lonely.

Hence my pursuit for bonds. I grew up without one, lived with some, and ended with almost none, and till this day, I'm half stuck between believing in the fairy tales of true friendship versus a harsh reality of individual differences so great no two could make a pair, or that the coldness of the world freezes the doors of people's heart to another.

I greatly wonder. It is just a psychological affect, or could it be, there is a chance, that my self-awareness is heighten over a level which people do not understand. Or how they perceive friendship is different.

Am I setting the level of my ideals too high? Lol, I think almost everyone will agree with me ba =,= But I dunno lei, friends has much more a meaning to me that just two individuals being together bound by common interests, goals or paths. I see it as two lives intertwined, one affecting the other, governed by care and love.


Thank you, thanks so much. That brief moment of contact with you stretched seconds into eternity as thoughts raced through my head faster than I could comprehend reality. Your seemingly harmless gesture, penetrated the inward chambers of my heart. The hidden key, you unknowingly found, released my deepest dream into life. In a quick lapse of a few seconds I felt the vitality of my perished dream flooding my heart with serenity and affections. You brought heaven down to me, even if it only lasted seconds. Thank you. Thank you so very much.

With all sincerest gratitude,
Slug.

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The Grown Up World
Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sitting at the top deck of the bus with a friend, looking out at the unusual blue sky painted across the background. All other times, it was dark.

Was on the way home at mid saturday afternoon. Listening to songs, with an orange earphone plugged in ;) as they brought a serene and nostalgic refreshment in me.

Each song brought a specific memory to mind, the beautiful times together with people, the periods of loneliness and desolation, jovial moments of camaraderie, the times of fervent mugging for exams. Ha.

Life has moved on hasn't it?

I'm a year 2 student now. Taking more specific psychology modules, carrying out experiments and mingling with all kinds of theories revolving the understanding of human behaviour.

A year ago, I was a social inept. Classes never did seem homely to me. The people were nice, but a maze of invisible walls surrounded each of us. In my opinion, those bonds were never there, or at least, that I crudely felt, were superficial. The class till today, appears individually made up of fellow psychology students, but without a united stand. In my envious moments of hanging out with friends from the next class, I couldn't understand how they all could get together, mixed around, chatting away, their lives interlining each other. Concern and charity shown for one another, not just cliques, but as a class.

It's just another pursuit of bonds...

Nonetheless, I found my home amongst a special group of people with an unique passion for sign language. In poly, the biggest thing ever wouldn't be my class, my studies or the people I know. My biggest pride comes from the club itself, finding a fairly knitted bunch of people meeting every week. Now, it's my life.


Anyway back to memories...

I remember the times of childhood, where the world was perfect, and people and friends around you were as simple as they looked. How I chased and got chased with broomsticks, jumping with joy over every new toy, another addition to my vivid world of imaginations.

Now, the world becomes different. It's full of facades. People aint what they truly are anymore. Some go for selfish ambitions, others to protect themselves from hurt. Contentment now comes with the condition, "if only". And the games people play involve subtle unconscious politics or stupid flirting endeavours.

I quite like to be a kid again. Where reaching for the light switches requires me to jump. Where there's nothing to fear. Where I can abandon all worries and make every hour a play of imagination. I'd like to me be.


Oh, random pic haha, my Hi-O group =)


Ow. The tiles at the back are kinda hurting me eyes...

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The Faithful One
Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Extremely overjoyed beyond words and tears. T_T

She finally decided not to do it, not to take that path.

All thanks be to God and His faithfulness. These week of endless worry, lectures, encouragement, prayers and love of friendship finally came to fruition. An awakening to her soul, and a burden off mine.

K luh, super lost for words now. Seriously too overjoyed.

All these times I worried my heart out for you. In the love that brings pain to see one going down the wrong path, just as a parent's heart bleeds for the wayward child. This too has drawn out a first-time high measure of love for someone else. An unconditional term beyond reasons. I guess I have proven myself capable of true friendship, and I aint such a lousy friend after all =P

I ridded my of feelings the day before, that I need not feel the pain if so happens that I might receive news I never wanted to hear. My pessimism never trusted in men, in it's weakness of the flesh, of it's losing battle towards temptations. My hope however, is in God, that He is faithful, and I know He wouldn't leave you as such, and so has been my prayer for this few days;

Psalm 23:3 (NKJV)
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

That He would lead you back to the paths of righteousness for His name sake. And His word, He'll fulfill. And I know it.

But when you tell me about your convictions about it, and the words that have spoken to you. How you decided to fight for the purity and godliness of your soul, HAHAHA, I think I just died from overdose of gratefulness to God and just that overbounding joy knowing that you're safe.

And woots, there's so much to be grateful for. Being able to learn how to encourage someone, guide them and pray hard for them HAHA. Finding a rare and dam nice side of me I have almost never expressed, even in the course of helping someone. Being able to bring out the full extent of love for another that has been hidden somewhere deep deep inside I think. Should learn more of it =P Also got to be closer to God through the times I had to commit myself to prayer as well as the wisdom to speak to her =D

Anyways HAHAHA fight on the good fight Liz, I'm dam proud and happy for your victory. May you live your life righteously that pleasing to God and His grace give you the strength to carry on. Walk on, Fight on, Live on! =)

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My Creed of True Friendship
Sunday, May 2, 2010

Heh, this is amazing. You know, after all the time thinking of what a lousy and useless friend I could be, I have finally proven myself to be capable of true friendship. Complained a while back that no one ever revealed anything to me, everyone seemed so fine and peaceful. And boo yea, I've been let in to one of her biggest and darkest secrets and I'm totally mind blown by the magnitude of it. But lolz, I'm thankful and shiiiiitz, I've got some work to do man. It's now my responsibility to be a part of it ever since I was knew her secret.

Never have I been so concern over someone. Neither have I cared so much, to the extent of sacrificing part of myself, conscience, and every moral right to help her, even if she hates me for it. My heart has been heavy over the words she revealed to me, but I'm glad, that I am able to be someone for her.

She may be going down the wrong path, and I believe she knows it too. Some people would 'kill' her, abandon her, maybe even condemn her. but hey, thankfully so, that with a gift of empathy, I'm able to stand there for her. True, I cant stop her, but at least I know I have thoroughly gave it my 100% without holding back in my part to prevent her from going there. And I know I'll still have 100% for her if she needs my help.

My soul is in despair for your well being. Please, please do not do it. I can only say, you will not like nor enjoy it. Emptiness will fill your life. The consequences are unimaginable but unbearable as well. My soul cries out for you.

But don't be afraid if you do end up taking that path. We all make mistakes. You know its a mistake. But the temptation is seriously greater than ever. That I know. I fought that battle countless times, with little victory. But do note that, I'll always, always, be here for you whenever you need me.

I'll always be here for you no matter what. Always. Whether you've made the mistake or not, I'll be here waiting for you, I'll make it your safe haven. Because I'm your friend. Always.

and you, sha ya tou, I know you'll see this. You too alrites ^^

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