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You forgot something. Yourself.
Sunday, January 29, 2012

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful.
Saw this quote which I kept some time back, Thought it's sounded meaningful and tried see how I could relate to it. Today, I do.

In this whole endless saga of broken friendship and failures, I've become so broken, lost myself, lost my fire (as mentioned by someone). Right now I'm just in this pathetic state, where I feel completely worthless, and bruised. Yet in some light, self-absorbed. Self-absorbed in victimizing myself from the hurts. A false nobility, perhaps.

There's this war going on in my head everyday. A whole lot of self talk. Though it often ends up in aimless late nights and a couple of tears. But gotta keep up the fight, I think I'll need three things for myself.

Be fair.
I think I'm taking on too much responsibility that isn't mine. I keep blaming myself for my mistakes, for being the cause of how they've change. Though there's always that struggle whenever I see them. But, surely even if I was the sole culprit, my responsibility can only go as far till how they respond. Whatever they decide to do, is beyond my means. Correcting my faults should be the only thing I need to do now, not to correct theirs. Of course, friendship has to be two ways, as subjective as it be, I need to remind myself I can't be the only one bearing the weight of the broken friendship. They have their mistakes too, though less seen; they've hurt me too, though less understood. I try when I can, and I try with as much as I can give. As long as I be accountable, knowing that I gave my best, whatever little, insignificant or untrustworthy it may be, I did what I was to do.

Stop self-pitying
A state I ought to know better not to fall in. I think I've been in it for quite some time without realizing, falling deeper and deeper into its allure. One thing I've been holding on to, is how I'm not accepted, and being too screwed, and shifting towards the feeling of having all fault placed on me. And for that, I've been feeling so unjust, about my sincere efforts overlooked and disregarded. From there, setting myself in this sorry state, feeling worthless. Yet as others around me showered concern, fellowship, with time, thoughtful words, and love to let me know otherwise, I remain blinded to those around, solely focused on wanting that vindication from him, from her. To hear from themselves that they had a part in this, in this chaotic mess of bruises. Yet ignoring all the rest who tells me the same. In the end, I live everyday waiting, for the apology I deserve, and it's become my only purpose. But hey, am I just gonna live everyday just for that one sorry. It'll definitely make me feel much better, yet letting it govern my thoughts, my feelings, it isn't gonna be worth it. Time to let go; time to move on.

Believe.
Man, really, the days ahead are gonna be tough. All these scars and hurt, whether trangressed or self inflicted are going to shape how I treat myself in the future. Part of my mind tells me I shouldn't let anyone else get closer less the repeat, yet another part of me is dying to believe I'm worth it, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that perhaps, I am lovable. But then again, people can do all they can, as they might be doing now, and if my heart isn't open, I'd never feel anything. Gotta learn and believe again. Second chances. Stop wasting time moping around in emo thoughts and cherish the people I have now, before I lose them over again.

Not sure how the week ahead is gonna turn out, but really really need to pull myself together. I don't promise things will be well throughout, but I'd try my best to fight off those thoughts that shouldn't be.

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Return Mail
Friday, January 27, 2012

Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.



Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.
"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

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An Eternal Regret
Thursday, January 26, 2012

"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."
It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.

Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.

And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.

I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.

I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.

As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?

Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.

Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.

Maybe it’s time to pack up and go home.

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Growing Up
Monday, January 23, 2012



Had one of my conversations with a friend about me turning 20 and how we're moving into (young) adulthood. There was the usual stuff about how we miss being kids, young and carefree. And I guess it did weighed on my mind too. Turning 20 to me, meant having to take up more responsibilities, be in financially, socially, psychologically. Gotta start contributing back with whatever we can. Taking a job to reduce the financial burden. Looking out for the younger generation. Keeping mentally strong endure more challenges. All in all, it means more work and responsibilities, and being less carefree and uncaring of things around.

haha it isn't gonna be all rosy, something many people dread I guess? Then again, looking at the bigger picture, imagine if everyone was gonna stick to a carefree life without responsibility, the world wouldn't be able to move on wont it? I mean we enjoy the luxury of time to pursue things we want, hang out with friends, even waste it away if you chose to. But that's because someone above us was shouldering that burden. Our parents take the full brunt in providing for our well-being. And we've enjoyed it for quite a while now, and its time we took the baton. And allow the next generation to have and enjoy their childhoods too.

It's time I returned the favour, carry a share of social responsibility. After all, it's part of growing up in life eh?

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Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.
Sunday, January 22, 2012

Reblogged from Kang Ling:

Over and out.

If you ever try to start something with someone who’s still caught up in their past, it will just bring problems to your future no matter how many times you try to dodge it. You can tell when someone looks in your eyes and sees someone else. Maybe it will work out between you two, the timing is just wrong.

As seen in Denise’s blog, source from - aweysha.tumblr.com

Yes. Word for word.

Don’t ever ever ever be someone else’s rebound. Or get involved with someone who have unresolved issues. It will just be suffering for both parties. For you, hurt and disappointment. For that person, guilt ridden. So please. Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

And a reminder on the last point again,
Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.

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I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Saturday, January 21, 2012

I cannot do anything.
I can do all things.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Which statement do you relate to most?

Another interesting question was posed, "Is it wrong if we encourage ourselves then?"

In a life met with setbacks and challenges, a positive mindset is definitely a boost in helping people resolve crises. The world today bombards us with inspirational messages like "believe in yourself and you can do it", "if you will it, you can do it". While optimism and a healthy self-efficacy is important, are we becoming too self-reliant or maintaining a culture of self-sufficiency? And as we become less dependent on others, do we carry that attitude to God as well? What if suddenly God were to ask you, "need any help?", how would we reply? Would it be "Nah it's fine, I'm cool with things" or maybe "I'm good in those areas, how about this and that, you could help me with that". Maybe it's my own opinion, but I think many people (Christians) are like that. Is God a subset of your life, or your life a subset of God's plan? Do we treat Him like our servant, granting prayers at our beck and call, ignoring Him when all is well? As much as there is credit to hard work, we too are weak beings, not forgetting that many of what we achieved today were made possible by the provisions of others.

I think it's great to encourage ourselves, but more important for us not to forget the grace of God, and especially not so to take credit solely for ourselves.

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Dissonance
Friday, January 20, 2012

Reading past chat logs reminded me how much I've changed since poly.

Oh I remember growing up as the most mischievous rascal, relying on a facade of snide remarks and mean jokes to aid my only way of interaction with people I knew. And then came the depressive period, and after much years, the light at the end of the tunnel.

But you know, even though I wouldn't be the first person you'd like to be friends with then, I always had an image of who I wanted to be. I often daydreamed of myself being someone really nice, being there to help others when they needed. Perhaps a mentor, a friend, or maybe just an one-off impact. Someone people would like, though not necessarily remember, but I always dream of being that one who if came to mind, would put a smile on someone's face.

And after 3 years, that dream has come into fruition. I'm amazed actually, by how much I've changed. Once, I used to be someone who could only fathom the idea of doing something good, and today, I well might have done quite a lot already. And I'm happy for that.

Though one thing remains that saddens me. Sometimes as much well a person some perceive me to be, a other side remains unknown to many. It feels like after 3 years, I didn't really changed, merely learnt and developed a good side of me, but for that, many issues and flaws remain, haunting me like an inner demon residing in me.

I hate that. I detest that part of me that remains extremely yet tactfully self centered. Like a corrupt fiend that seeps its evil, sowing tares amongst the wheat. It's been a cause of hurts and pain, sometimes much so for others. This demon, the malformed product of my neglected past and selfish desires. I really wish I could be just a normal good person. I don't want to be bad. I dont want to be selfish. I don't like to.

God please help me be a genuinely good person. I don't want to be a two-faced person. Transform me fully rather than me being a mere function of divided flaws. I want to feel human too, and experience the joy and magic of true relationships with people around me.



I wish I knew how to feel like a human.

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Let go of the past
Thursday, January 19, 2012


"Sometimes it's not the pain that doesnt leave us, but we who do not let go of it."


It's time to let go those heartaches my dear.

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Reminiscence

Shit =l

Something struck my mind about something you said. Was trying to find it out in our log when I stumbled into our old conversations. Before 2010. So much memories of the times when we were closer~ We were chatting so casually almost everyday. Friends, I miss us how we were back then

Jan 1

I was gonna ask the class to sing a birthday song for your birthday and you pleaded me not to. Shy I guess? haha xD And then you wanting to surprise me with a cake for mine (yet you asked me what cake flavour I would think is nice - lol fail surprise) And then I told you I wanted you to sing a birthday song for me, which you expectantly protested.

Looks like I finally got to hear it this year eh =) Beautiful~ ^^ I love the sound of it, the ring of your voice, that mixture of sincerity and bashfulness, a lovely tune that makes the heart melt. Thank you for the song. (Wowza, I waited 2 years for this eh ^^)

and as I scroll down, I'm reading the conversations when I felt down or discouraged. I'm seeing you encouraging me or trying to find ways to help me. And me in return encouraging you to be more positive. I love the tone we used to have last time. Felt like we were peers on equals.

Then came the letter. 15 Jan 2010. A day after my birthday when I first left you. Been lost in the sad world for so long, I decided to leave everything behind to pursue bigger things to make my life more meaningful. Wanted to break out of it, and I wanted to bring you along, though you preferred to stay. Sadly, me being me then, I didn't have the courage to tell you, even lying when you asked if the letter referred to you.

That was the changing point for me and you I guess? From there we spoke lesser, that closeness and casual interactions slowly became more sadness behind smiles. We've moved apart ever since. I've changed too, finally breaking out of that shell, and now I've done more and became someone I'd never see myself to be in the past. Once a sad lonely fearful and introverted person, and now, I'm standing in front of people, doing crazy things, teaching skills, imparting wisdom, from nothing, to a figure at the top. ha, Of course, fame isn't what I asked, just wanted to live my life to the fullest and see others do the same. You've changed too. haha.

I wonder if we could still ever be friends. I really really miss those times.


Edit:

I ended up staying up reading through the chats we had. and hm here's something you said which foreshadowed today.

Nov 2009

"Okay. You can go. But once you go, I'll really label you as a real friend ar. & if anything bad happen between us, I'll really hate you. Clear?!"

And then I responded telling you I was uncertain about how I've changed after YEP.

"Well, no need hide~ Show them to people you know won't mind then. Anyway, real friends will accept you for who you are"

Haha, as much as the commemoration of our official start as real friends and the joy that comes with it, it's heart piercing to see how we've become. Many of my mistakes and your response to them. But yet one little thing triggering those dumb tears... Real friends... That's what he told me too. Guess it I'm still too screwed up for even real friends to accept. I've failed you then.

My heart feels so heavy now. All these precious memories sinking in~

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Today my life begins with God in the center
Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Been trying to find them videos but here's a bunch of videos that sums up what I wanna say.




Though it was hard, I learnt how to love a bit more beyond myself. To persevere even if things aren't reciprocated. To continue knocking even in rejection. To look past hurts to cherish the present. That saying/doing things when you're angry does more harm than good. To be ready before getting into deeper relationships. To cherish things well before it's too late. Won't say I learn everything well, but at least a small start to many to come.




God be the center of everything. I'm so tired so lost. I dont know why I keep doing things of my own. Take control of things again. Cause when I look at the troubles of my life, I find hopelessness. When I look at the God of my life, I find strength.

From my heart to heavens,
Jesus be the center.
It's all about You,
Yes it's all about you.


And to all the problems, hurts, lies I've been giving myself.



Enough of being emo and forlorn. Shall get back on my feet. Whatever the hurts and pains, time to leave them behind and look ahead.

Back on my feet.

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Happy 20th Birthday
Saturday, January 14, 2012

First off, I don't even know how to respond to everything really. It's so big and unexpected. Didn't had much to look forward to my birthday as things hadn't been so good, but with her extensive effort and support of many, I think this is one of the most memorable birthday I had. Most.

Last minute changes kinda had me 1 hour late for my lunch surprise. If feeling bad that I was late for 3 ppl's lunch wasn't bad enough, had a dam big shock walking into my surprise lunch gathering. Had a 2 rows of people waiting for me. Meh, unsettling to see the people there really. Juniors, seniors, friends, family, haha felt touched having everyone there.

Regretted something though. Didn't get to spend much time with everyone overall. Honestly was quite affected by myself being late and upsetting her, after awhile I had to take a breather cos I couldn't hold my already 'bad' smile anymore. Took a walk, and kinda lost track of time. By the time I returned, forget the already little time left, things were kinda done. Had a few birthday songs sung for me and a cake, and everything mostly dissipated afterwards. Wished I talked to everyone more, The stupid thing is, everyone went to the lunch for me, yet, I was least present. Like though I was some ingrate. A lesson not to harp on negative feelings.

The second big part would be this giant heavy orange scrapbook. Dam shit I love it. Huiqi said she thought of doing this to document my poly life since it was something big for me. And it's secretly on my wishlist too. It's heartwarming flipping through the pages of the book. There's even notes from people I considered myself to be of nothing to. I'm running out of words to describe the feeling that I have, seeing the effort and time people took to do up each page. The thought behind the words, pictures, little decorations. haha if i be honest I feel loved. Feels like i'm more than I think I am? haha.

One really precious word though, that rings through the letters was "inspiration". Haha I think it really touches me to see that I'm seen as an inspiration to some? I'm not sure why, and what, but I think nothing really beats the feeling of knowing you've impacted someone? hope I'm being a good inspiration then, really want to see people finding their true potentials as well as playing a part in making this world imperfectly perfect.

But really, i think all this wudn't be possible without her. I cant express my gratitude to her using any words now. I'm amazed, touched, shocked, thankful. I cant possibly know how much it took you to get all this done, and imagining it is already scary enough. but as the days go and I hear the accounts of people I meet, it's crazy to discover how much you've been doing for this. Everywhere? Like you've went to explored almost every part of my life to get that fragment of memory for me. Must have been a great deal of work, especially with you having to bear your pain too :/

Frankly, you've won me a little inside. I feel like giving it one more chance to pull things back together again. I'm not sure what I ought to do though. Like you said, maybe apart might be better for us. I'm not in a good state for any close relationships, there's still so much issues and selfishness to fix, and having you to bear the brunt of my egocentric life isn't fair for you. Part of me wants you in my life, yet another selfish part doesn't seem to cherish you. And it plays out in this nasty hurt game. I need to tell myself to have faith and be strong to let you go, that you can find your happiness too. I'm not sure where we go from here. Wish we could still be at least friends =/

but all in all, thank you so much for this wonderful gift, and the many sweet things that goes with it. It's the best gift ever so far, I'll keep it with me, and in my heart wherever I go. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to me. Now let's face the new year!

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A new year, a new slate.

Happy Birthday to me. Quite tired to write something long and thoughtful but ahwells.

One thing that bugs me on birthdays is getting my facebook wall flooded with wishes. I mean, I do appreciate the well wishes and it's nice knowing the people who drop by to let me know I am in their mind, and furthermore the meaningful posts with really nice and heartwarming comments. haha, yes I secretly yearn to know who I am to people so its encouraging to read many of them.

hehe. Moving on, I'm quite sentimental actually. And I value my facebook wall quite a lot, not the wall itself, but the content on the wall, feels like it's representative part of me when people look at it. in fact, I actually do spring cleaning on it to remove repetitive or redundant contents. and when the floods of wishes come in, they wipe away everything - memory and identity; sweeping every picture, likable quotes and stuff down to the abyss.

Never liked it, but then it's a way of ushering the new year too yea? No point holding on to the past, staring at old memories when the present is here. Life continues, and it's time to move on as well. Rewrite everything. What's past is past, let go of it, to hold on what I have in the present. Why dwell on unchangeable history when there's so much to appreciate, cherish and enjoy now. That's what makes the present alive and living.

It's a new year, new season of life. Gonna be quite a lot of changes, very unsure of what's ahead, but I just write it one day at a time.

Let the floods come in~ Wipe away the past; Start a new year afresh~

(and thanks a lot to the 3 (T.J.J) for the conference call, it was really nice to hear your voices, meant a lot to me, suddenly felt like ya all were close beside me hahax =P)

Hope there'll be some nice reads tmr hehe. And gonna reply and write something nice for everyone tomorrow. Yea, goodbye 19. Good morning 20.

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You Will Know Them by Their Fruits
Wednesday, January 11, 2012



Description to video:
A poem I wrote to highlight the difference between Jesus and false religion. In the scriptures Jesus received the most opposition from the most religious people of his day. At it's core Jesus' gospel and the good news of the Cross is in pure opposition to self-righteousness/self-justification. Religion is man centered, Jesus is God-centered. This poem highlights my journey to discover this truth. Religion either ends in pride or despair. Pride because you make a list and can do it and act better than everyone, or despair because you can't do your own list of rules and feel "not good enough" for God. With Jesus though you have humble confident joy because He represents you, you don't represent yourself and His sacrifice is perfect putting us in perfect standing with God!

To every christian and any that will hear. Christianity has been slowly corrupted into this hypocritical strain of self-righteousness. Religious pride blinding conceited Christians into mistaking chastisement for persecution. It's sad to see how christianity today has been convoluted into something so self-centric, with unfounded legalism to placate our abused liberalism. Christianity isn't for making yourself feel better or holier , in fact, the closer to you get the God, the more filthy and unworthy you feel of yourself, for being so undeserving of God's love and grace, and you can't help but reciprocate it.

(And here's a random part. Type a few lines which rhymed so I decided must as well go with some lines since I was kinda bored so pardon it if it's lousy lol ._.)

Redeemed by an act of selfless grace;
now living in pursuit of selfish ways.
Called to love and be His light;
now an act of agape love, hardly in sight.
Accepted, people came as who they were,
now, judgment and hurts fill this world.
Tasked to care and meet people's needs;
now whatever benefits us is the way we lead.
Reached outwards, ends of the world we'd go,
now millions of people, lonely and cold.
Taught to obey, trust, be humble and meek,
now only applies one day of the week.
Prepared and refined, eyes on eternity,
now faithless and blind, lacking maturity.
Christian brothers and sisters, myself alike,
Now ask yourself how much you're Christ-like
You will know them by their fruits,
whether for God, they cared a hoot.

The term "Christians" was used because people then resembled Christ so much. Today, out of the many who call themselves Christians today, only a handful are truly what they meant. The rest of us are just foolish men making merry. I'm not in a place to judge, let yourself be accountable to God.
Matthew 7:15-20
15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.

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How would you measure a man?
Tuesday, January 10, 2012



How would you measure another person's love in your life?
Affirming words, thoughtful actions, precious gifts, comforting touch, quality time?
By weakness and flaws, mistakes and wrongs?
Only the inwards of his heart will tell.

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Change starts from knowing you can
Monday, January 9, 2012

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify them, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.”
— Jack Kerouac

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have."
— Margaret Mead

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Let now the weak, say I am strong
Sunday, January 8, 2012

Tim:
Just like.
How I perhaps look up to you/zx last time?
Nico:
Walao
why last time
Tim:
Last time.
LOL
TAKE THAT~
SUCKA
LOL
Nico:
so now you no look up to us la
Tim:
But seriously
Last time
Not to hurt you or what.
But seeing how ZX self harm himself
Seeing how you throw yourself into fire.
Seeing how you guys fall
Nope.
But I still hope to see that strong you again though.
Nico:
What did I do?
Tim:
You are not strong now
You are living on borrowed strength
Nico:
Yea, gonna be weaker in time
wonder if there be anyone for me then
Tim:
But I know you can stand strong.
Just need time
:)
Nico:
yea

And I've got to admit. I've lost it. Everything feels so mellow now, even the when I speak my words come out scrambled. Everyday feels so helpless and lonely, there's little drive to get through the day with rearranging my desk being the most productive work of 3 days. Everyday I'm just mindlessly surfing the net and playing games to numb that void in me, yet there's still this blackhole-like gravity that's crushing me from the inside.

I think some people see me as this strong person or something, had a few people complimented me. Not sure why, but it does come as an honour as well. I'd like to be seen as someone strong, nice, caring, maybe inspirational; someone looked up to. I mean who doesn't right? Though perhaps I have been fit with some of those adjectives, part of me worries inside.

Maybe it's how I re-arrange myself when I'm with others, putting the good stuff out, and shifting the bad parts in. As capable and strong as I'm perceive by some people, there's still plenty of issues I have, avidly shown to those who reads here. In all, inside I'm not as good as people think I am.

Frankly, I'm socially inept. I cant hold a conversation naturally, I don't really know how to make friends, sometimes I don't know how to be with people. I've learnt how to functionally, but I don't do it personally. At times, I question myself if I truly understood what love is, contradicted by my much self-centered behaviour. In short, relational skills is the bottom of my know-hows.

If without my pride, I wonder what it'd be like to be weak, in the eyes of people. Would they despise me? Would they be there for me? Would they stay throughout if I were to like that? It scares me sometimes, that by holding up such a strong image to others, me being weak might come as a shock, or that I'll be good enough to handle myself.

And as early breeze prepares, I wonder what it's like to be depending on others. To feel helpless and incapacitated, where you've gotta trust the people around you. Allow yourself to be taken care of. Being functionally useless, yet covered by the grace of others. When you can't tell whether you'll be left alone and the face the harsh reality that no one cares. If I liken this to a trust fall, I'll be standing on the edge, held back by pride and fear.

Though, in this journey I have achieved things that makes people doubt my weaknesses. There is comfort in hearing, but genuinely, I feel many people over estimate me when I say I'm not good. I reflected through the things I've done, and I gotta say, I know full well which were those I easily did, and which were those I struggled through with something more than my own will.

Strength, divine strength. Especially through those struggles, times when I know I've exhausted all my mental strength, each dying heartbeat calling to be taken out of the unbearable situation, when the comfort of friends isn't enough to reach me, when the pain is so overwhelming, all I want is to give up, and yet I'm still trudging on, push on by this incomprehensible force, as though carried by it. The hurts and pains doesn't disappear, but you still manage it somehow, like above your threshold. Some people told me, how does asking strength from God even make sense. Wouldn't be sure how to explain it, then again, some things cant be explained - you know it when you know it; faith and trust.

So, I'm gonna buck up. Time I turn back to God and stop relying on my measly fallible strength. Lol, I think it's quite embarrassing to be weak, but the only way to really overcome these difficulties, is to face them. It's silly how we so often stray away, and crawling back when troubles come. But nonetheless, God's strength in my life. It's good too I think. Keeps me humble. And when it comes a time when people ask me how I do it, it leaves as a testament to God's hand in my life.
27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him.
1 Corinthians 1:27-29

From my heart to the heavens, Jesus be the center.
It's all about You, yes it's all about You.

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Little things that make big differences
Saturday, January 7, 2012



Here's a wonderful and inspirational video. I really wanna do things like this. Attentiveness to the needs of others with the boldness to act on it. Somehow, it's the little things that make big differences.

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Left or Right?
Friday, January 6, 2012

I think, let it be. From my position, this isn't the first time I'm left in an either-or decision. Either choice, I'm gonna be feeling like I owe the losing end. But then again, that's life. Sometimes you can only pick one out of so many choices. Besides, I ask myself one thing. Do I trust God? Or why else am I trying to control and make things perfect and ideal. If I do what's right and accountable to Him, He'll take care of whatever's needed. I think there's where faith lies, that God can make miracles out of impossible situations. Like letting go of a glass cup in mid air and trusting God to hold it. Faith. One thing I realize from all these burdens I'm carrying, is that I'm not the saviour of the world. I cant rescue everyone, or in fact anyone. It's by God's work and grace it happens. Me trying to be the hero and acting according to my own idea of what's best for everyone isn't gonna do much. My perceptions are flawed. And, I'm not responsible for everyone and everything they do. I'm primarily and ultimately responsible for my own attitudes and actions, and as one abides in love, the path will unfold into God's perfect plan.

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Unintentional Mistakes

Woke up late for work today 3rd time this year. Again. Argh, I've been consecutively late for work for weeks le.

Though it makes me wonder, for this 3 days, i really wanted to change, and to wake up on time. Just that I genuinely unintentionally wake up late due to circumstances. Should I still be punished likewise?

My phone alarm resets when my phone is off, or sorts so I sometimes dun realize it's not set right
First day - didn't know alarm reseted itself
Second day - snooze setting were reset too, to 1 time snooze at middle volume.
Third day - realize I've been swiping the wrong direction (left = snooze, right = off)
And now I wonder if I'll be on time tomorrow.

Mistakes be mistakes, I know I'm responsible for my mistake, but should one who have no intention to commit a wrong be punished? Punishment and consequences are different matters. One is an extra penalty meted out, other is an inevitable chain reaction that follows, though from certain perspectives, set penalties fall under expected consequences.

I'm learning to fix small yet important details, though slowly. But we all take different paces right? Some a longer journey than others. At the end of the day, if results are the only thing that matters, then whatever we do wouldn't be important. But the process is just as important, it's what makes us get there.

Lol. actually I dun have a clue what I'm talking about. I just think we should all give more grace to each other.

I didn't get punish by the way. Just walked into office with a sheepish guilty smile...

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Drama script
Wednesday, January 4, 2012

It's supposed to be a occasion for joy, yet it's been only fear and worry. The thing I've been hoping for since everything begun. But now it's like a cancer slowly spreading across my life. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it selfish? The negativity seems so prevalent everywhere, it's become so unhealthy. Feels like I've been in this long bad dream, gotten so used to it. Life's taken such a dramatic twist, I'm both slightly amused yet depressingly melancholic. It'd make a good drama script I swear. Makes me think twice when I watch dramas now.

Really want to wake up from this dream.

So many people telling me to let go. Next person to tell me that, I will.

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Mu Qin
Tuesday, January 3, 2012

"Do you need dinner?"

Felt something warm in me when I asked my mom if she wanted dinner. Not sure if this is the first time I've asked her, or the heart behind asking her, but it felt nice.

Havent really been the best son since coming 20 years of my life. Maybe it's time I started giving back. A start this 20th year. Learn how to love people around me.

I'm sorry mommy. I hope it's not too late. Please wait for me. I want to make you the happiest most blessed mother in the world. I'll learn to.

I think this is pretty~ :)

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19th songs


Wanted to post this up for quite some time. Time has since flew by, and amazingly it's 2 weeks to my birthday again.

This is a CD that was given to me for my birthday, with some people personally dedicating some tracks for me. It's been sitting in my laptop for a year now. Every time I got really bored I'll opened it and play one of them on loop.

Well I aren't the music sort so frankly haha, I haven't understood some of them. I wouldn't guess either.

But sentimentally, I can name a few.

The Great Escape with Gracia - camp song from Forest of Discovery Hi club camp

There's a place for us with Huiqi, - lol didn't realize until she told me, it was the song playing during the credits, the first movie we watched together. Lol, the memories...

I'm yours with Zhi Xiong - song playing in Popeye's during our supper on my birthday when I had no one to go out with. I remember we laughing at the song and how we sang that to each other.

Never had a dream come true with Timothy - ah, first song sign we learnt during camp from seniors. Big feat since we were only Basic A then~ hehex

Peacock with Yvette - ah... it appears my peacock dance to the song left quite an impression. Heh.

Grenade with Zi Kang - This was really once of the most epic shit ever. Singing it in totally high pitch outta tune voices. One of those moments you let yourself free to do complete stupid embarrassing things, and you'd feel freer than conforming to social norms.


It's almost been a year. Many things have changed. Wonder what the 20th year of my life will be.

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Love is patient;
Monday, January 2, 2012



If you love something, ask yourself if you are willing to wait for it; for as eager as love so desires, it is also patient.

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Your smile is the reason I bleed today.

When you asked to meet me at 12.00, I sighed. Worries of what would happen next, what I needed to do so as to not spoil things, what I needed to look like to not make you upset. I didn't want to ruin things further.

But it did. I was exhausted after staying up the last few nights working on my FYP endlessly. I was tired from banging on your walls trying to get to you. I was tired having to put on the fake 'Nico' to suit what you expected of me. Guess that broke through in my face.

I'd wish you'd understand, but I don't expect you to, even though I tried talking so much.

Do you know, being with you makes me so fearful. Every time I'm with you, I have to be on my guard, watching my words and actions ever so cautiously, just in case I trip a wire to which must cause you to become unhappy, to cause another problem or dissatisfaction in you which guessing was the best thing I could do.

From me to you, it feels like you've been building walls around you. Thick strong ones. Because you wont tell me anything, the only thing left I've resorted to was brute force. Keep pounding at your walls, tearing them down. Bashing them even if my hands bled. And when my hands could feel no more, I'd throw my body on it. Sometimes I get to see you momentarily, and inside I feel happy though shortlived before wall forms up again. Every single word and action had to be carefully thought out. Any small mistake could cost me a few layers back.

I don't know what can get to you anymore. Being nice, giving you my time, being forceful, angry, even having to hurt myself, everything I tried doesn't work. And sometimes, I have to shamelessly ask others help me. A call to check where you are, maybe for someone to look out for you. After all, people always expected me to be the nice one to you.

I hate it that you didn't cry. Even when I lost control and became physical. I just wanted you to be real. I wanted to see you being you, whether you had to be in tears or not. I resent deeply that you sat there the whole time without saying one damned word. I so wanted to slap you hard, just so you'd cry, and that I could be there to comfort you. I'd rather you bury your tears on my sleeves than to hide your sadness behind a fake smile. I don't want you to be strong always. I want you to be you; at times, weak.

My heart ached so much to see what you've become. Lonely, sad, and bitter with self-destructiveness. No, I don't pity you. If I did, I would be feeling sympathy rather than this tremendous twist in my heart. All I really wanted, was to see you genuinely smile and be happy again, whether there be smiles in the warm comfort after the tears, or the laughter in joyful times.

It's been a long time since either of us did. Every time now it feels so depressing, so much uncertainty and trepidation, so much expectations to fill; at least for me it feels that way. Every time I think of you, it's fear of what you'll do, how you're doing, what issues I had to deal next, problems I had to vigorously look out for. Yes. It's that same feeling every single time, and that's the reason why I'm so reluctant to meet you. I can't feel safe leaving you alone, yet wasn't good enough to take care of you when we're together, I didn't know what to feel or think anymore.If you'd ask me why I no longer smiled, my answer would be because you no longer did.

And honestly, I'm at the end of myself. I don't say this to make myself look better than you, but for the only reason that my sacrifice would be enough for you, perhaps inspire and encourage you, to push you to find happiness once again. I know even if you keep telling me you don't want it, or to give it to someone else instead, I'll do it for you, because deep down, I know you'd want to feel worth, to mean something to somebody. And I'm not doing all this to help you feel it, I do this because you, do mean something to me. You'd really do.

I know I'm not perfect, and I have so much flaws and bad points that's hurting to be with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to give you my best. I know there are many times I prioritize something over you, and that it hurts, but it's really that mess inside me fulfilling itself, and I'm trying to beat it. There's much that I have purposefully pushed myself to do, I dont know if you knew how much it takes of me just to do so. I remember you writing about how if you loved someone, you shouldn't have to try so hard to do things. But the thing is, I have issues. I find difficulty in loving people, in doing things for others. No one went out for me in my past. But I tried. Making the effort to sms you, reply them, talk to you, spend a bit more time with you, hold back my own sadness so it wouldn't affect you, think of jokes and silly things to do to cheer you up, connect you to more people and outings, sifting out my bad parts so I would hurt you less, telling myself not to give up whenever things got really really hard. I really tried my best to give you all I could, against my own selfishness and weakness.

Last night, I broke into tears when suddenly I thought what if all the sacrifice meant nothing. What if the results would still be the same? What if the love I tried wouldn't be enough to help you find happiness? I cried thinking how pathetic I would be, giving up my future, tanking all the damage, suppressing all the hurts and fears to fight for your tomorrow, for a happier you. And how after things ended with you, everything will just burst out, all the pain collectively overwhelming my heart. What if I broke down afterwards, would there be anyone to catch me? Would anyone stay with me if I took a long time to recover? Would there be anyone to love the mess I'll be? I mean afterall, I would be a fool for giving so much to change nothing. The cake. I remembered it, and I know it means something to you. But I thought, what point is there, holding on to a cake when I couldn't even hold on to you. What joy could I find in a cake, when I couldn't enjoy the friendship with you. Sorry for leaving it behind, it must have hurt you a lot. I would if I could, but my heart is just so weary to do anything.

Frankly, I really am tired now. I don't have the strength to keep being tough anymore. I don't have the strength to keep up being that someone else you'd wish me to be. I don't have the strength to overcome the fear of your cold rejection, or the disapproval of not meeting up to what you want. The real me, is someone screwed up, lonely, afraid, and needy, someone you didn't like. It's understandable though; no one did. I'm sorry I made you like me, I'm sorry I used you to fulfill my needs selfishly. I regret it a lot. A lot. I've only realize how I'm not ready for it, and I'll make it a point never to get into it again until I'm ready.

I know if you could, you'd want to return me all the effort and time so I'd be happy and myself again. But honestly, it's impossible. What's given been given, and it cant be taken back; like a gift that's not refundable. The only way, if you'd really want to repay me, is for you to be happy, find your own happiness. That, would make everything, more than worthwhile, to know that you can be happy one day, it would mean so much. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be now, don't pressure yourself, so long as you keep trying. But if that be too much of an audacious request, then please ignore it, please don't feel guilty, or indebted. Really, it was ultimately my choice to invest in you, and a pity it be if I been a fool not to heed your calls of advice.

All in all, I can only say I'm sorry for my mistakes and hurting you, and the only thing I hope now is for you to be happy. At least one day you will.

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New Year Rush
Sunday, January 1, 2012

Yup, sadly this is how I spent 31th Dec 2011 to 1 Jan 2012



Counted, had like 115 tabs opened. took 2minutes for firefox to terminate

and well, aish. Glad tomorrow's a public holiday. gonna make up for missing out with friends and people. Time for reflection, and to sort out through my half written thoughts.

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What If?

I wonder, what if one day, everything just broke down, what will happen.

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