"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"

Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.

the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.

I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.

I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.

I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.

But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls

What is love, without acceptance?

Labels: frenz, life, Me, thoughts

Sighed as I watched the golden stream trickle down the walls. Been really busy these few days. Cooped up in the office for the whole day staring away at the computer. Lesser milo breaks, more heavy sighs. I remember a day where I didn't even drink anything but a cup of coke for the whole day. By the time I'm home, I'm all worn out and dozing off on the floor.

Life gets busy sometimes and we tend to forget important things during such moments. Family, friends, people, health, dreams... All the little things that build the foundation of our lives, so taken for granted we forget their presence and role. If you're fortunate, you get a chance to turn from your folly without too big a price.

At some point, you gotta stop everything and ask yourself, "Why are you doing what you're doing?"

Labels: thoughts

I wanna dedicate this post in memory of the crazy feat we managed today. For a day makred by so many wonderful memories. Pulled off an emergency performance in under a week - 3 days of practice - barely 10 hours of formal practice. Not sure, I'm just so glad we managed it, and did fairly well on stage.

Started off quite worrying and stressful. Got pretty mad and upset a few times, so much so that I actually raised my voice in hiclub for the first time just to get things down seriously, though it got soft after that. The group was mostly girls so I cant really bear to go down too harshly on the practices. Took a lot of risks with the groups too, only learning the formation on the day of the performance. And I'll admit, there were some particular difficult ones to handle. heh

And then for the plentiful of memories. I love watching the smile on the teams' faces each time we executed our steps and signing perfectly. and definitely to be able to pull this off in a record breaker of 3 days. Running in the rain just to support the other team. Hearing a whole bunch of people screaming when I went solo >< Watching a new generation raising the bar of song signing. Being thanked, and spending time with all of Hiclub.

Through the joy and times of stress, I've learnt 2 things.

1. leadership

Circumstances really pushed me hard this time. I do see the potential in this group, yet there's a glass barrier blocking their progress. The things that needed to be done reminded me of a leader's sacrifice. Juggled my fyp, perf formation, and practices, forgoing a heck lot of sleep, skipping dinner to make time for the team, overslept when i instructed everyone to come punctually (which they did...). It's a cost, but every leader has the responsibility of the group and the people assigned to him or her. The members burdens must be the leader's burdens, something I hope I can better learn to care more for my members.

2. Pushing boundaries.

It suddenly dawned upon me. I've been pushing some major boundaries in the context of song signing. I've made a performance that everyone never stops moving (Waka waka), one that's pretty badass synchronization (change a heart change the world), gesturish performance (to the sky), shortest time for internal perf, 1 nite (dj got us falling in love), shortest external perf-3days (Big time rush), formal concert (grandioso), and maybe more that I dont remember. I mean really, of course the credit is not all mine. It'll never be possible without my friends' support, partners empowerment and member's cooperation. But I'm just glad I be have managed and be part of these feats, and pushing these boundaries outwards. Keep succeeding yourself, find every little way to improve and refine, and of course to challenge limits. Never settle for anything less than better.

I'm glad I got this chance to lead the team again in performing. I do have my ego in terms of being recognized and appreciated, but I'm happy that for one, this time I really felt happy to see my members perform and grow. I think that's really all that matters.

I thank everyone for their encouragement and support through this week, reminding me of our pass success, hearing me rant, and coming down to be there. I hope it'll be a good experience and meaningful memory for everyone to look back on next time and then you all will continue to grow and progress from here on. Ah, I also hope that all of you will aspire to guide and watch over the next generation as you take the roles of seniors.

And yea, dont forget the chorus yea =)

Go on shake it up what you gotta lose
Go make luck with life you choose
If want all, lay on line
Only life you got, so go live big time

Labels: hi club, life, Me, memories, thoughts

I detest people who think they can get what they want by throwing tantrums. Yea, you'd get your way sometimes but people only give in to you because you're immatured. You waste other people's time playing hard to get and being difficult. If that's the success you want in life, go ahead and be some lowly leech that lives off the goodwill of your family, friends who care for you, and kind people that bother to give part of themselves to entertain your selfish nonsense.

Grow up. If you want something, ask. If you dont get what you ask, move on. Life isn't a bed of roses for everyone. You can keep asking if you want, but there's absolutely no need for you to dwell in self-pity and hurt the people who care for you by engaging in spiteful behaviours.

And I mean this to everyone. Dont snub people off when they're making an effort just simply because you're unhappy. Dont drop your responsibility just because people don't agree with you. I know it feels nice to be valued, and to have people go out for you specially, and hence people employ the "Sometimes you need to run just to see who will come after you" trick to test the waters. A little self-assurance is necessary every now and then, but to overuse this method like the way a baby cries for food is annoyingly narcissistic.

Firstly you use up resources of the ones who sacrificially come after you to assure you, and sometimes people don't have enough to get to you. It's not that they dont want to, you just caught them in a difficult position where by you hide in your self-absorbed world gleefully fantasize the anticipation of how nice it would if someone came, whereas he or she has to make a difficult choice between, having to worry about either you, or whichever other circumstance they forgo for you. And it's really dumb when you make assumptions that no one cares for you in an unfortunate coincidence that your test completely backfires and you realize no one's there. There can be many possibilities for these. One, refer back to my previous point. Two, people care and many do, just that they don't recognize your cries or simply do not know what to do. And three, it turns out no one cares. Ok dam the feeling sucks alright, but tell you what, the irony of it is that you're not alone, in terms of facing this. there's many people out there struggling with that same loneliness. People handle it differently, some hide it, some pretend not to know it, some deal with it in positive sublimination. But just like you, there are people finding that companionship, some sooner than the others. It's ok to feel sad, but its not okay to tear yourself down in self-pity. So yea, don't play games in which you comfortably soak in the attention of people coming out for you just because it feels good, people have their limits to, and they're not even obligated to go lengths for you. They do, because they care enough so stop abusing it.

There are better ways to help yourself feel happy . Appreciate the little things you have and stop envying. The world is with enough hurts, no one needs any of these little hurts and trouble stemming from selfish gratifications. It's snowballing into a ridiculous chain of needless hurts that you're a recipient of, but you don't have to feed it. Do your part, stop the hurts, one day, it'll come back to you.

Labels: thoughts

I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'd never let me go,
through it all.

This song sung in cell comforted me greatly today. When I'm alone and needy, God always there to carry me through. You'd never let me go no matter what.

Papa, am I that hard to accept? =/ Why do the closest people turn away and hate me?

Labels: God, heart, Me

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Labels: God, love

Things are so hard now. I wonder how much more difficult it can get. I'm almost turning numb to the heartaches. I dearly miss the times when there was much more joy and people in my life. But through it all, I'm thankful for it all. I can only say it adds colours to my life and I await the rainbow after the rain. Just have to persevere through the storm.

In ever trial, there is a lesson to be learnt and character to be built.

Labels: life

Dear God,

It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.

Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.

Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.

Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.

Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.

I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.

Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.

But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.

Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.

Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.

Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.

Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.

Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.

Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.

Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.

Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.

Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.

I want to abide in You.

Labels: frenz, God, heart, life, love, memories, prayer, qq, thoughts

Life is greatly governed by the choices we make in response to our circumstances. No matter how tempting, or how pressing a dilemma, the choice is made by our own will. The worst of course, is when you're pivoted between two extreme circumstances, when neither choice would be a pleasant one. Then again, there are choices that cant be weigh out simply by measuring pros and cons, or majority rules. It's a whole new level when it involves people.

Been through a few difficult choices myself. Giving up an envied secondary school experience to be homeschooled. To stop dwelling in self-pity from past issues, putting aside my anguish to serve others. To dive into my fears with faith.

One of the toughest decision was particularly antagonizing. "Who would you choose to save if two of your loved ones were drowning at opposite ends and you only had time to rescue one?" A stereotypical question that challenges the values and priorities of one, said sometimes out of jest or pique. But it's no laughing matter when it becomes a reality, that terrible burden of extremity the fate of two lives lies responsible in your hands. And then some choices give you the luxury of time, harder ones dont.

Things get complicated when you try to assign a value to things, or worse people. Some things despite a difference in value, are incomparable on the same scale. Placing friendship over a life passion or dreams can be understandably difficult, but prioritizing between the happiness of two close friends makes everything horrible. Either one friend would have the fortune of been the chosen one, but neither one choice would make the one deciding feel any good about it. How does one bring about the message of having to let go of you, no amount of apologies or reason can ever offset the devastation it would bring on that person yet it doesnt bring any less pain to make such a decision To someone so special I could only mouth out a pathetic shameful "sorry" wishing I never have to apologize for such reasons ever again. It didnt meant I valued you less. I valued you differently.

Rule of the thumb. Don't compare. And don't bet yourself against another person.

Labels: frenz, thoughts

Intended to do my fyp today but was mostly sickish the whole day. Spent most of the day lying and sleeping in the refuge of the water.

Thought about many things as usual.

Friends are a hard topic for me. Wish I didn't have to be this way. And I wondered as well, would it be worth it? If I pressed on, without knowledge of the end. Would we walk down the years together? Would we be a passing memory in each others diaries? Would we be a grudge of broken dreams and promises?

Recent inspiration I pondered. Would you still be with someone if there'll be 99 days of heartache but 1 day of true love.

Knowing the final day of true love, we'll know that it'll be worth it. For that 1 day of true love outweighs the suffering and pain. The joy outshines the pain, making it worthwhile. And it's surely a beautiful thing, probably makes a good story to tell too.

But then what if you couldn't saw an end, the other side of it? There's a path to take, but a shroud of mist guarding it. Pebbles and sharp rocks strewn all over the ground. Uncertainty lies ahead. Nobody knows how long the path stretches on. You can only so imagine what the prize might be.

Some people skip past for a safer bet. Some grab the opportunity regardlessly. Some tread cautiously. Some turn back halfway. Some lose hope. Some stop after finding something likable. Some steer off-course. Some lose strength at the final hurdle.

Only a few make it to the end, with an achieving taste of joy and well saying the journey was worth it all. A declaration only boldly made by those who experienced the arduousness. Like a career built on hardwork and perseverance. A university/college entry earned by endless academic mugging. The flavour of a treasured friendship battered by bouts of conflicts and difficulties. Isn't that the morale behind every grand story, an inspiration for what we couldn't or in fact, didn't do.

The paths we take determine the stories of our lives. Dont live in regrets, wishing you would have done something different. Nothing is impossible when there's a will. However big or wide or long an obstacle, if you really want to cross it, you'll be dam sure to find one across somehow. Some paths have heavier burdens but the end of it is always worth it, always. Let faith and love take your hands and guide you through the pain.

Labels: frenz, love, thoughts

Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.







Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

Labels: EMO, heart, qq, thoughts

I'm sorry that something like that had to happen. I tried what I could yet it still did. Watching you go down that path deeper and deeper. Almost had to take an ultimatum but stopped at the final moment because I trusted you. But I guess we all make mistakes, some greatly regrettable. But the most important thing is that we learn from it. Or it'll just be another round of painful costs.

Then again, I'm still quite touched you would come to me. After almost betraying your trust on that extreme move, I'm glad I'm someone you can turn to. Being the preachy insensitive robot I a bit better with my irrational thought that I'm nothing to others. Me going down wasn't something I really wanted to, but I pushed myself to, to be a good and maybe true friend. I'm happy I managed that, and I hope I can do the same for my friends as well. To go further and improve as a better friend. Especially for those I've left behind.

Pity though, that valuable experience came with a price, and that I'll leave for another story.

Labels: frenz, love, memories, thoughts

"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"

Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.

the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.

I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.

I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.

I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.

But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls

What is love, without acceptance?

Labels: frenz, life, Me, thoughts

Sighed as I watched the golden stream trickle down the walls. Been really busy these few days. Cooped up in the office for the whole day staring away at the computer. Lesser milo breaks, more heavy sighs. I remember a day where I didn't even drink anything but a cup of coke for the whole day. By the time I'm home, I'm all worn out and dozing off on the floor.

Life gets busy sometimes and we tend to forget important things during such moments. Family, friends, people, health, dreams... All the little things that build the foundation of our lives, so taken for granted we forget their presence and role. If you're fortunate, you get a chance to turn from your folly without too big a price.

At some point, you gotta stop everything and ask yourself, "Why are you doing what you're doing?"

Labels: thoughts

I wanna dedicate this post in memory of the crazy feat we managed today. For a day makred by so many wonderful memories. Pulled off an emergency performance in under a week - 3 days of practice - barely 10 hours of formal practice. Not sure, I'm just so glad we managed it, and did fairly well on stage.

Started off quite worrying and stressful. Got pretty mad and upset a few times, so much so that I actually raised my voice in hiclub for the first time just to get things down seriously, though it got soft after that. The group was mostly girls so I cant really bear to go down too harshly on the practices. Took a lot of risks with the groups too, only learning the formation on the day of the performance. And I'll admit, there were some particular difficult ones to handle. heh

And then for the plentiful of memories. I love watching the smile on the teams' faces each time we executed our steps and signing perfectly. and definitely to be able to pull this off in a record breaker of 3 days. Running in the rain just to support the other team. Hearing a whole bunch of people screaming when I went solo >< Watching a new generation raising the bar of song signing. Being thanked, and spending time with all of Hiclub.

Through the joy and times of stress, I've learnt 2 things.

1. leadership

Circumstances really pushed me hard this time. I do see the potential in this group, yet there's a glass barrier blocking their progress. The things that needed to be done reminded me of a leader's sacrifice. Juggled my fyp, perf formation, and practices, forgoing a heck lot of sleep, skipping dinner to make time for the team, overslept when i instructed everyone to come punctually (which they did...). It's a cost, but every leader has the responsibility of the group and the people assigned to him or her. The members burdens must be the leader's burdens, something I hope I can better learn to care more for my members.

2. Pushing boundaries.

It suddenly dawned upon me. I've been pushing some major boundaries in the context of song signing. I've made a performance that everyone never stops moving (Waka waka), one that's pretty badass synchronization (change a heart change the world), gesturish performance (to the sky), shortest time for internal perf, 1 nite (dj got us falling in love), shortest external perf-3days (Big time rush), formal concert (grandioso), and maybe more that I dont remember. I mean really, of course the credit is not all mine. It'll never be possible without my friends' support, partners empowerment and member's cooperation. But I'm just glad I be have managed and be part of these feats, and pushing these boundaries outwards. Keep succeeding yourself, find every little way to improve and refine, and of course to challenge limits. Never settle for anything less than better.

I'm glad I got this chance to lead the team again in performing. I do have my ego in terms of being recognized and appreciated, but I'm happy that for one, this time I really felt happy to see my members perform and grow. I think that's really all that matters.

I thank everyone for their encouragement and support through this week, reminding me of our pass success, hearing me rant, and coming down to be there. I hope it'll be a good experience and meaningful memory for everyone to look back on next time and then you all will continue to grow and progress from here on. Ah, I also hope that all of you will aspire to guide and watch over the next generation as you take the roles of seniors.

And yea, dont forget the chorus yea =)

Go on shake it up what you gotta lose
Go make luck with life you choose
If want all, lay on line
Only life you got, so go live big time

Labels: hi club, life, Me, memories, thoughts

I detest people who think they can get what they want by throwing tantrums. Yea, you'd get your way sometimes but people only give in to you because you're immatured. You waste other people's time playing hard to get and being difficult. If that's the success you want in life, go ahead and be some lowly leech that lives off the goodwill of your family, friends who care for you, and kind people that bother to give part of themselves to entertain your selfish nonsense.

Grow up. If you want something, ask. If you dont get what you ask, move on. Life isn't a bed of roses for everyone. You can keep asking if you want, but there's absolutely no need for you to dwell in self-pity and hurt the people who care for you by engaging in spiteful behaviours.

And I mean this to everyone. Dont snub people off when they're making an effort just simply because you're unhappy. Dont drop your responsibility just because people don't agree with you. I know it feels nice to be valued, and to have people go out for you specially, and hence people employ the "Sometimes you need to run just to see who will come after you" trick to test the waters. A little self-assurance is necessary every now and then, but to overuse this method like the way a baby cries for food is annoyingly narcissistic.

Firstly you use up resources of the ones who sacrificially come after you to assure you, and sometimes people don't have enough to get to you. It's not that they dont want to, you just caught them in a difficult position where by you hide in your self-absorbed world gleefully fantasize the anticipation of how nice it would if someone came, whereas he or she has to make a difficult choice between, having to worry about either you, or whichever other circumstance they forgo for you. And it's really dumb when you make assumptions that no one cares for you in an unfortunate coincidence that your test completely backfires and you realize no one's there. There can be many possibilities for these. One, refer back to my previous point. Two, people care and many do, just that they don't recognize your cries or simply do not know what to do. And three, it turns out no one cares. Ok dam the feeling sucks alright, but tell you what, the irony of it is that you're not alone, in terms of facing this. there's many people out there struggling with that same loneliness. People handle it differently, some hide it, some pretend not to know it, some deal with it in positive sublimination. But just like you, there are people finding that companionship, some sooner than the others. It's ok to feel sad, but its not okay to tear yourself down in self-pity. So yea, don't play games in which you comfortably soak in the attention of people coming out for you just because it feels good, people have their limits to, and they're not even obligated to go lengths for you. They do, because they care enough so stop abusing it.

There are better ways to help yourself feel happy . Appreciate the little things you have and stop envying. The world is with enough hurts, no one needs any of these little hurts and trouble stemming from selfish gratifications. It's snowballing into a ridiculous chain of needless hurts that you're a recipient of, but you don't have to feed it. Do your part, stop the hurts, one day, it'll come back to you.

Labels: thoughts

I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'd never let me go,
through it all.

This song sung in cell comforted me greatly today. When I'm alone and needy, God always there to carry me through. You'd never let me go no matter what.

Papa, am I that hard to accept? =/ Why do the closest people turn away and hate me?

Labels: God, heart, Me

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Labels: God, love

Things are so hard now. I wonder how much more difficult it can get. I'm almost turning numb to the heartaches. I dearly miss the times when there was much more joy and people in my life. But through it all, I'm thankful for it all. I can only say it adds colours to my life and I await the rainbow after the rain. Just have to persevere through the storm.

In ever trial, there is a lesson to be learnt and character to be built.

Labels: life

Dear God,

It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.

Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.

Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.

Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.

Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.

I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.

Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.

But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.

Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.

Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.

Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.

Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.

Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.

Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.

Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.

Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.

Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.

I want to abide in You.

Labels: frenz, God, heart, life, love, memories, prayer, qq, thoughts

Life is greatly governed by the choices we make in response to our circumstances. No matter how tempting, or how pressing a dilemma, the choice is made by our own will. The worst of course, is when you're pivoted between two extreme circumstances, when neither choice would be a pleasant one. Then again, there are choices that cant be weigh out simply by measuring pros and cons, or majority rules. It's a whole new level when it involves people.

Been through a few difficult choices myself. Giving up an envied secondary school experience to be homeschooled. To stop dwelling in self-pity from past issues, putting aside my anguish to serve others. To dive into my fears with faith.

One of the toughest decision was particularly antagonizing. "Who would you choose to save if two of your loved ones were drowning at opposite ends and you only had time to rescue one?" A stereotypical question that challenges the values and priorities of one, said sometimes out of jest or pique. But it's no laughing matter when it becomes a reality, that terrible burden of extremity the fate of two lives lies responsible in your hands. And then some choices give you the luxury of time, harder ones dont.

Things get complicated when you try to assign a value to things, or worse people. Some things despite a difference in value, are incomparable on the same scale. Placing friendship over a life passion or dreams can be understandably difficult, but prioritizing between the happiness of two close friends makes everything horrible. Either one friend would have the fortune of been the chosen one, but neither one choice would make the one deciding feel any good about it. How does one bring about the message of having to let go of you, no amount of apologies or reason can ever offset the devastation it would bring on that person yet it doesnt bring any less pain to make such a decision To someone so special I could only mouth out a pathetic shameful "sorry" wishing I never have to apologize for such reasons ever again. It didnt meant I valued you less. I valued you differently.

Rule of the thumb. Don't compare. And don't bet yourself against another person.

Labels: frenz, thoughts

Intended to do my fyp today but was mostly sickish the whole day. Spent most of the day lying and sleeping in the refuge of the water.

Thought about many things as usual.

Friends are a hard topic for me. Wish I didn't have to be this way. And I wondered as well, would it be worth it? If I pressed on, without knowledge of the end. Would we walk down the years together? Would we be a passing memory in each others diaries? Would we be a grudge of broken dreams and promises?

Recent inspiration I pondered. Would you still be with someone if there'll be 99 days of heartache but 1 day of true love.

Knowing the final day of true love, we'll know that it'll be worth it. For that 1 day of true love outweighs the suffering and pain. The joy outshines the pain, making it worthwhile. And it's surely a beautiful thing, probably makes a good story to tell too.

But then what if you couldn't saw an end, the other side of it? There's a path to take, but a shroud of mist guarding it. Pebbles and sharp rocks strewn all over the ground. Uncertainty lies ahead. Nobody knows how long the path stretches on. You can only so imagine what the prize might be.

Some people skip past for a safer bet. Some grab the opportunity regardlessly. Some tread cautiously. Some turn back halfway. Some lose hope. Some stop after finding something likable. Some steer off-course. Some lose strength at the final hurdle.

Only a few make it to the end, with an achieving taste of joy and well saying the journey was worth it all. A declaration only boldly made by those who experienced the arduousness. Like a career built on hardwork and perseverance. A university/college entry earned by endless academic mugging. The flavour of a treasured friendship battered by bouts of conflicts and difficulties. Isn't that the morale behind every grand story, an inspiration for what we couldn't or in fact, didn't do.

The paths we take determine the stories of our lives. Dont live in regrets, wishing you would have done something different. Nothing is impossible when there's a will. However big or wide or long an obstacle, if you really want to cross it, you'll be dam sure to find one across somehow. Some paths have heavier burdens but the end of it is always worth it, always. Let faith and love take your hands and guide you through the pain.

Labels: frenz, love, thoughts

Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.







Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

Labels: EMO, heart, qq, thoughts

I'm sorry that something like that had to happen. I tried what I could yet it still did. Watching you go down that path deeper and deeper. Almost had to take an ultimatum but stopped at the final moment because I trusted you. But I guess we all make mistakes, some greatly regrettable. But the most important thing is that we learn from it. Or it'll just be another round of painful costs.

Then again, I'm still quite touched you would come to me. After almost betraying your trust on that extreme move, I'm glad I'm someone you can turn to. Being the preachy insensitive robot I a bit better with my irrational thought that I'm nothing to others. Me going down wasn't something I really wanted to, but I pushed myself to, to be a good and maybe true friend. I'm happy I managed that, and I hope I can do the same for my friends as well. To go further and improve as a better friend. Especially for those I've left behind.

Pity though, that valuable experience came with a price, and that I'll leave for another story.

Labels: frenz, love, memories, thoughts