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A Guide to Smiling
Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Haa. Spent 6.5 hours doing nothing in school cos I decided to stay back LOL. owells ._.

Found some random thoughts moving one step further.

The first would be a somewhat guide to smiling. Didn't had it at first, yet some how chanced upon it along the way.

Often to incite a smile, one of the common methods is to think of something positive, happy, good or meaningful. I kinda figured an extra step that would be able to work much better. Upon thinking of that special moment/event/person to you, don't just dwell there, be thankful for it, and appreciate that moment from your heart. And hopefully, you'll most likely be able feel the uncontrollable twitch at the corners of your mouth.

Happiness isn't manufactured. It can't be created from the things around us. Or for some, a man-made happiness will never last, just as one quickly loses the thrill after getting their hands on their "wants". It just doesn't satisfy. Happiness comes from the depths of our hearts, from within us. No one can make us happy, until we allow ourselves to be happy, in appreciating a joke, nice moments or the people around us.

And yea, smiles are magical...



Owells second thought from a friend. Will keep it short.

We will have to come to terms that people will always be moving in and out of our lives and one day, even those most special and closest ones will too. I love the thought that, instead of just accepting the fact that such will happen, why not broaden out the perspective, the past, the present and the future.

Sure, they'll go one fine day, but they'll walk out someone different than when they walked in, because of your impact in their lives. =)

Ok not really in the best mind to write these thoughts but yea... =)

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Worth it all
Monday, November 29, 2010

It's inspiring to see how much you do for everyone on a daily basis. I'm not putting you high up on the pedestal, but each time I see you doing something, even as simple as making an effort to talk to those around you, it's just so amazing, and so darn inspiring.

I know you'll object to this. But you, really are my hero. In all my life, I've never met someone that aggressive and passionate on doing such things. Maybe it's become a way of life to you, that you no longer see some of these as special, but the amount of impact you deal everyday, my heart shrivels at the thought of what your life would be. I wished I could be like you.

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Anyways, been thinking about another of my life issue. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe love wasn't just the biggest issue. Digging old wounds to reexamine my life. Another recurrent theme I found was for my value. Maybe it was the past. Growing up, feeling without a need to be around, unaccepted, unwanted. Maybe it was beyond my first breath, at my first rejection, and with subsequent repercussions, I never meant anything to them. Maybe I just never felt accepted, wanted, or needed by anyone. Or maybe that's just what I keep lying to myself.

Always had been struggling with my presence. Should I be around? Was I a burden? A thought that haunts my mind everyday. I realize I've been pretty much been searching to be valued, and genuinely wanted or needed by another. Desiring for that praise and affirmation for who I am. Is that why I keep doing all these works? Partially, I'll admit, or at least would be something that keeps me wondering if I was ever anything to anyone.

Sometimes it leads me to the point of unbelief, that I would be of worth to someone. An inner desire to flaunt and hone my skills, that others might find a necessity in me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an extra roaming about on this earth. Doing something good maybe, but just some random fella, nobody much.

Maybe I'm greedy? Discarding away what appears not genuine, or casual things that I felt would not last. But from an early genesis, I was deprived of that which was meant to be mine. In the present, I end up building a filter, sieving through, what I wanted, evaluating if one was appropriate for me.

And then, perhaps this is why I dare not ask questions like he does. I don't feel like I'm worth the answer, worth the place in someone's life. I fear being a nuisance, that I had no dealings with them. I wasn't worth the information.

Contradictory though. Maybe I take false pride in being a random fella. I comfort myself to fit that as my identity. I plan ahead, instead of letting doubts questioning my worth, I devalue myself so that at least it wouldn't hurt from disappointments. Yet maybe I'm still secretly desiring to be wanted, valued, affirmed, appreciated by someone. When a season sets in for doubts to fill my mind, questioning my worth as a nobody. And yet, I cant find an answer to it.

You know, maybe even you being the closest to me, I'm not really sure what I am to you, or my value. Even though not formally expressed, I take the faith, that I might have found a place in someone. I think I know you do ._.

History, has it's way of creeping back to you. It's like a curse, if never undone, bewitches your life for as long as it'll be then to overcome. It's ironic that even with sentences stating assumptions of my worth, it's written with words of doubt, as though it wasn't factual but I was just assuming it was.

I'm dying for that value, a deeper kind of intrinsic value, to know that I'm actually part of someone's life. I looking forward to the day I can finally understand my worth to the people around me. In fact, I wished I knew what others thought of me, both the good and the bad. I think even to know I had that bit of genuine part of someone, would sooth this piercing pain within my heart.

It's been much better since I started accepting myself. At least I had some ground to hold on to. Though it hurts every time I think outwards. Well at least its a step to begin with.

Anyway, I'm sorry all, for being like that. I'm still dealing with it ._.

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I care too much not to
Sunday, November 28, 2010

He's right. You actually occupy my mind a whole lot that I ever thought you did. Every night, thoughts would ramble on in my mind, thinking how you were, how things could be better, it's stupid how I even worry for you sometimes.

Nah, I'm not in love. This is one girl that haunts my mind everyday, and it's not someone I'm like crushing on. yeap. lolz.

I dunno. It's been ages since we know each other, ok nah, not veh long, but yea, seems like eternity to me. When I first saw you, you caught my eye. The way you were, you way you looked, resembled a close past.

Things got going and developed more positively along the way. We tried all kinds of methods to makings things work. Many failed. I failed. I wasn't the best person, didn't all everything well.

Maybe I went through my own seasons, got a little rough, and lost it from there. It became a melancholic cycle of giving up, yet unable to truly put aside everything. Having recovered about a period of exclusion, I was back up again. But in time, the cycle would only repeat.

So here I am. Gave up from everything I tried. Being slow, nice, harsh, absent. Tried scolding, encouraging, threatening, forcing. Nope. I told you I'll stay, you told me to leave. Nothing works. All that's left now, is me sitting hidden round the corner, head bowed into my curled body, as I continue waiting. I care, but not enough for me to publicly sit at your doorstep, facing closed door the whole time. It's foolish, but heck, I can never understand why I do it anyway.

At least another thing I've learnt from this is that hey, I can be a friend after all. Maybe i ain't that crappy? Or perhaps things have to be crappy for me to become better. But yea, perhaps not the best, not doing's the right things, but woah, I am a friend, I think. haha.

Sometimes I dunno. You've been there all these time. I wonder if you knew, I wonder if I knew. But I know now, do you? After all that's been done, I wonder if it'll make any difference to you. Would it help things, would it help you? Cos I don't want to be that foolish boy knocking on your door, saying out a confession, only to have the door slammed in my face. It takes guts to. And I'm lacking it.

Maybe I'm being selfish, dwelling in my own fears of rejection. Bringing out a tender side from the hidden locker, and to have it rejected. But hey, if it's for the good for someone, I shouldn't have the focus on me rite. Or at least I'm already caring, just that I'm not doing anything, which I'll have to work on I guess.

Anyway, it pains me to see you go through all this. I don't really know what's going on, but I care a shitload too much to walk away. I wished you'll understand what I feel for you. Maybe it'll change everything. Maybe then you won't walk out on yourself or life anymore. Cos it breaks my heart so.

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I'm not so good afterall
Saturday, November 27, 2010

Gonna be a weird post but heh.

I'm not so good afterall.

I think it's _____ (fill in a awesomely positive adjective here) that I somewhat good inside. For every crappy shitty bit that I am, was, and might be in the future, there's this component inside that somewhat redeems me for all the suckiness I'm made off.

Maybe let's call this the "good guy". It's some what in times where I'm at my worst, this part of me surfaces. Well not exactly surfaces. Maybe hidden inside. But ever since who-knows-when, it has be harassing me much more.

Yeap, harass. Cos it's like a voice inside me, telling me to look up when I'm down, to push on when I'm tired, to face the truth when I'm in lies, to care even when I don't like it, to encourage me to do something out of my comfort zone, heeey maybe it's God :D

But argh. lol. It's times like whenever I emo, there'll be this little voice telling me all the stuff im exaggerating, or all the negatives crap I'm trying to fill my mind with, and what though may not seem present, but would be undoubtedly the truth (though still with much doubts).

Heh, it's awesome really, of course, to have someone/something keeping you on track. To be on about doing the right thing and stuff. But heh, sometimes it get's awfully tiring and maybe lonely.

True, the focus is on myself, and I know I should be thinking less about me and more on God and the people around, but out of the humanness of my flesh, I speak.

It's tough doing the right thing, fighting against the flesh. Others get to enjoy the naturally pleasurable outcome of doing something "wrong". Sometimes it even gets lonely, when I gotta stand up and do what's right, regardless of the outcome. It's painful to let go of all my own wants, and in a bid to not be selfish, forgo the things I'd liked, wished, and always wanted. It'll be as easy as another, jumping into a delusional way of taking their problems, emoing, passive aggression depression, selfish lifestyle of a heck care attitude for anyone, or maybe involving another life, perhaps possibly ruining it, feasting into all sorts of self-centered matters of living in problems. It's easy to just give up and let things be, selfishly screw up not only my life, but unavoidably affecting those around me as well. It's hard to stand up, when I'm tired, or alone. It's tiring to keep up the works when it's one-sided. It's hard to keep my past from easily negatively influencing my present. It's challenging for me to do something right/good, even though there's so much fear's holding me back against it. It's hard to not succumb the emotions that pour in when I feel troubled or melancholic. It's difficult for me to keep trying to build relationships with others, despite my crappy capacity for sociability. It's hard to do something notably nice for someone, and having to restrain it within a big smile, to avoid stealing the glory, or worse still, in moments when I'm misunderstood. It's hard to continue doing something, especially when it's not reciprocated. It's difficult to keep standing when I get more negative feedback than appreciation about doing what's right just because it's easier to complain than to affirm. It's hard facing up to the truth to all my problems, and knowing I need to do something about it because it's not doing any good for me. It's hard trying to be good.


Nah, I'm not saying like I'm a good person, or even anything towards it. I'm sure we all struggle with being and doing what's right. There's awfully lots of time where I lose the battle to myself. I know it's weird, but sometimes, I'd wished these "good" side of me, wouldn't get the better of me all the time, even though I secretly know its good for me. I sometimes wished I wouldn't be that good either. Or maybe, I wonder, how good am I really. And if I am, do people see that as part of me already there, or maybe something I confront against daily.

But it brings me back to the question, who am I doing this for? Me? So that I have some sense of significance of being in someone's life? I dreadfully hope not, or for every time it surfaces, to realign it for something true and proper. It's simply because the love of God warrants me to live my life right and in accountability to Him, and secondly to love people around me the way God does, instead of staying in where feels comfy and easy, or merely loving those who are simple. Love never intends evil, but neither does it stay neutral. It is an active force seeking out goodness in and for another. Love doesn't work passively.

That aside, it's time I return the reigns to him. Yeap ._. Despite all these, haiyoooo, it's good luh. lol, even though it's tough. And argh, it makes it harder that each time I give way to him, it gets stronger and stronger. It's kinda silly how people fight against being bad, I sometimes wage against doing good. But nonetheless trough all the sweat, tears, and blood, I'ma continue on doing what's needed. Many times I fail, maybe a small choice, others a total loss. Pfft. And for whatever mistakes I've made, for everything that I lack, I'll work on it, become better. And nah, I aint any much a good guy actually. Just someone who's tired of the selfishness of life =P

Sometimes, happiness is just one step ahead. But the only thing in it's way is ourselves.

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Patience
Thursday, November 25, 2010

Back to my post on patience. Think maybe I'll need more patience. Patience with people, patience with time. I believe people can do good, but maybe I'm too hasty about it. Instant pleasure perhaps. Maybe that's why I keep egging people to do something, overlooking what has already been done.

Have I been too impatient with the people around me? Done with good intentions, executed with wrong ideals? Maybe that's what accounts for my intolerance towards her. For all those whom I'm vaguely acquainted with, I take on a empathic objective approach, yet when I'm closely involved in it, I lose that sense and see things in only a forefront view. I wonder if I'm being fair to my friends. Giving them higher expectations of them may not fully be wrong, but I'm yet disallowing their chance for failure.

You know, overall, I'm upset at you, as well as myself. I just cant see how you knowing it, allow yourself to sadistically live through such pain. I don't know if you're helping yourself, but sometimes seeing you live so closely to the edge creates much angst within me. Why would one devalue life like that. Or then so, why would you want to be that for others, why can't you be that for yourself instead. Sometimes, I don't want to be so near you because I end up caring for you in ways I wish I would not. Though I may not seem like much. I care too much for you for my own good it ends up affecting me. I wonder why do I even do so, and whether I even exist in your world. Maybe I just need a break. Maybe I need to be better myself. I'm so annoying even I annoy me.

Love ought to be consistent throughout time and situations ._. Guess I needa work on it more.

I'd wish I had more tact on doing things. I seem to know enough of how to spot things, yet I can never do them myself. Easily spot out group dynamics, yet its beyond my control. Maybe it's for me to take second position.

My impulsive foolishness causes mistakes I wish time could undo. Waste of time? Was it necessary? Or to find the good in that bad, I find it hard to. But surely, there would be something good in it. But owells. Felt like I wasted the people's time of more than just that circle. Hais ._. Will never do it again.

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Assignment thonning

Today's a thoughtful day. Stayed through the nite to do assignment. hahaha not bad. Was shock when I looked out and realize it was sunny and bright already.

My thoughts keep runnning its going onn and onnn and onnnn~

Walked out of the door today, looking at Sasher and was thinking about the times she was still younger and hyper. Wonder what it will be like when she poofs. Saw a shitzu along the way and thought of my aunt's dog. Apparently the owner walking it is my last time best friend's mom. Thought about the younger days when I had my first best friend. What it was like, what it is to have a best friend. What defines a best friend.
Owells


Sometimes, I think I have a lot of faith. Faith in the good, faith for it to happen. Though sometimes I lack the patience for faith to make work. It wasn't that bad, but it reminded me of how foolish I can be at times. Today, was somewhat good. It's interesting revisiting problems as they face, never expected you to feel that way. Think I'll strengthen my resolve to be more daring with it. Shouldn't hold back if it's something good. Never know wat might it do. Feels like I'm a fool.

And to that which happened. It's nice. Maybe too impulsive, or maybe im just not cut out for such matters. If only time could rewind for redemption. Felt sucky after it actually. Well, maybe I should not do it again. keep it in my own style, 1 to 1, CBT style. Haha.

Thank God for the awesomely weird people around me. suddenly got so many interesting people. Making life so fun.

Am a little tired, am a little sad, seeing those problems resurfacing again. Restraint lives. Why must things be this way?

I'm going to sleep. I'm dead tired and I haven't touch my bolster for one night.

I'm having secret desires again ._.
I'm so tired I'll fall asleep anywhere. I wish you'd be here. Don't wanna close my eyes alone.

My destiny, God's calling
Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thought about it while walking today, trying to find a bible character in the same plight. Was thinking and suddenly I thought about Jesus. Oh blaaa. When you kena the same situation as Him, always got nothing to say. My puny impact and misjudge is nothing in the light of His. A spotless life who came to love and to save, yet a condemned death as though the worst man on Earth, rejected by the closest, betrayed by His own. Phewww, who am I to feel that I'm such a pity.

I thought about it. My Christianity. It was just more than God's work in my life. It's because He loves me. And that demonstrates itself through the wonders shown in my life, the miracles unseen to others, even those little ones that happen daily that never fail to amaze me.

It's the way I am, the way I've become, the things in me, it's His doing. My life is nothing but an empty vessel, to be emptied of its murky stagnated slime, and filled by His loving waters to be poured unto others.

I'm different. The people around know it. The things I say, the values I abide by. Deviant as I would like to label myself. Deviant from the world's way of selfishness. And I'm glad and comforted to find a brother, another who's sees the spoils of humanness, one who is willing to step out of the world. I'm not saying I'm righteous, all I want is to stop the way selfishness seeps in our lives.

I heeded the call, blessed by grace. All these things I know, the revelations and wisdom bestowed unto me, the fundamental aspects to the human life, I take it upon my faith, that these truths are what I based my life upon. People may disagree and others might scorn.

It's God's call in my life, that which my faith and conviction resides in, gives me the strength to carry on, even when I'm alone, or in the bleak times, and with this destiny, I know everything is part of God's plan for my purpose.

With what I have, primarily the deep knowledge, I'll start the revolutionary life of what it was first meant for. To reawaken the inner voice inside us, one kept aside by society, and the harshness of the tainted world. The voice of truth, speaking to us, maybe it's the conscience, maybe something more. The knowing inside of us to judge our motives, our fears, and what's right and wrong. To change the style of life, not the selfish one we enjoy today, but one out of selflessness, both for men and God, in the essence of agape love, all because He first loved us.

I may not be the best, or what I've said. I'm flawed in my ways, but I'll work towards refining myself to become better. And as a light, I stand firm, on the Solid Rock, even if the fiercest storms, I will not be shaken. Even if the battering winds push me over, there I will climb up again. And even if everyone turn their back against me, there I will persevere, and know that I'm never alone, for God's with me. Never forsaken, never forgotten.

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The Outsider, Sage.
Saturday, November 20, 2010

Been waiting for this day for quite some time. Am really glad that it has finally come to pass. Watching as your loved ones start to grow. But as their growth will cost a little sacrifice as well. Perseverance, faith and a love great enough to be hold back. Like letting go of a child's hand so that he/she can learn to walk, or to release a teen out to the world when they "grow wings". It's tough, but it's done for you, whether or not anyone sees it.

It's just like a drama part of my fantasies.

I never really expected myself to fit in with you. After all, I was no longer part of you, as much as some would like it that way. You moved one rank up, as the elected leaders to head the tribe. All I could do was to sit aside, and watch as you took up the crowns, setting yourself into your roles. I cheered on, rejoicing with you, despite that hurt hidden away at the ends of my smile. But I was genuinely happy for you.

Time passed. Our relationship grew. I grew as well, developing a immense love for the family as well as the leaders. I matured through time, and no longer was the child I was 6 months before. My relationship with some of you, helped kept me with the flow of the leaders. I would have been one of you, if only there was a seat more. But I was contented to be able to be with you all, even though our difference.

I never saw myself as one of you, albeit the inner desires. It was hard to accept, being the extra one, without the official pass. Some of you pulled me in, well, and others not. Some of us felt that with who I was, I ought to have been part of it. I felt honoured that I was valued in their eyes.

In my quiet observations, I hoped I could nonetheless contribute, in my own ways. I couldn't be in it, didn't mean that my gifts would be wasted. Maybe like a little fish to the bigger ones, a normal member trying to guide the leaders wasn't too much a good thing, though still accepted by those who knew me.

I watched, as you slowly fell from my standard, of what you should be doing as leaders, to this tribe. My skill, and my gift, I spotted infections growing in you. There were certain dynamics problems, that could be resolved with the know how. I passed on the wisdom to those who could make use of it. On the other hand, I stepped up, trying to fit in, and to "help" you become better.

Intentions. Those who knew me, knew my intentions. Nothing was done out of selfish gains. Everything I wanted better was for you and the tribe, and I centered my focus around it. It was my family after all, my life. But with you being sickly, I felt like I needed to step in.

I begin pushing for things. Unity within you, bonding, mutual understanding and to become a family yourself, for each other. It just had to be done. I picked up those with the same calling, and challenged them to help out. It made some of you uncomfortable, and caused others to move.

Much later, I begin to see things simmer, and I pushed harder, making aware my presence. I couldn't sit by and watch as things happened. some thing just had to be done. Inner friction and conflicts slowly built. At one time, I lost my patience, allowing anger took over, causing more friction between some of you.

Finally til this day, I've worked for, you finally came together, and poured your hearts to each other. Knowing this, I know it was time for me to go. I'm just glad that, after all this while, I did make a difference in helping you, even if it was small. Whether or not it is appreciated, I'm glad to see you grow now, better late than never. And as to me, I resolved to take my leave.



Overall, you know, to be objective, I think I did quite a lot for you. Though much undesirable, I sought to push you to what you all should be, to continue growing. Yes, I was an extra, a matter of fact, though my love for you and the people inevitably let me to be involved somehow with everything. Though I pretty much felt alone, knowing I'll never be a part of you, whether bonded or not. In fact most of the times, it felt horribly lonely, being an outsider, yet seeing so much things going wrong, and trying my best to help, and often, being the bad guy by pointing out the faults.

My closeness to you allowed me to be partially involved, as much as my desire to be as in as I could, and I imposed myself as a "guide", watching your paths and warning your turns each step. Maybe I crossed the line, I placed myself into a triangle which I did not belonged. But really, all I wanted for you was the best and for you to be as effective and to reach your potential. If I couldn't be it, then I'll make you it. I guess I could and would never be it, even though it lingers in my deep desires.

At one point of time, I gave up on you. However seeing some of you struggle, I once again took up the call to help. I could and I knew it. Whether or not it was needed. And I admit I was at fault when I lost my patience, venting my frustration on you, that I offer my sincerest apologies.



Now at the sharing, I expected my name to come forth, knowing my dealings with you and to some of the unhappiness caused. Seeing how long the meeting took, I knew for sure it was an effective one, with a lot of talk being said out, and finally, I hope there would be some realness within what the family should be like. From then,I knew it was time to go. And in my resolve, I would be washing my hands of your matters. It was time I let go of your hand, and let you stand on your own.

I knew there would be matters raised against me, or with the way I was doing things. Just wanted to say, as harsh or perhaps threatening or undesirable in the ways I did things and things that might have made some unhappy, I really done it for the best of you. I kinda see myself as an outsider "sage" with my skills and knowledge and seeing how things were going, just powerless to do anything about it. I wished I could do more, but ha.

Anyway, I think I would really like to thank those that stood up for me. Really. I never really thought anyone would, aside for the typical friends that would fight their way to clear my name HAHA. Really, I feel dam touched, especially when mostly I have been getting negative feedback of me. Thank you for defending me. Thank you.

I feel that I did something well. I made an impact to the way you were. I bugged you, I forced you, I scolded you, I advised you. My constant pushing helped you grow. And a little here a little there, efforts helped into making small impacts that added as a whole. To each person, such as today, I'm glad I made a difference.

But yea, this is where I'll get emotional. I go home tonight, with both a smile and tears in my heart. I'm happy because I know that I managed to do something for you. I know I've made a change.



To account for the tears would be to feel misunderstood and perhaps unappreciated. For the good I needed done, I had to play the bad guy, causing some along the way to become unhappy with me, much so that I became an issue. I dun even know how to fully express this in words, but it feels like, yea, I crossed my boundaries, stepped into another's territory so as to help them, and along the way, got "hated". I dunno if Im even expressing it properly now, but yea, am feeling quite hurt maybe? Sadded much hahax. Kinda feels like fine, fine, I'll be gone then. But ahh okay, really skip all the sad stuff, though I'll like to dwell in them. Shit really, this is one of the stuff that hits a certain sore spot, inner rejection and disapproval, even when doing good.

Blaaa either way, I'm just glad that at least I made an impact, did something right, did something to helped, and to see you grow, and change. I did what I could, the best I could. Perhaps evoke certain negative emotions along the way, but what had to be done had to be done. Problems needed to be solved. People needed to be attended to, I did what I had to do, and with that I'm glad.

But for now, I think, it's time for me to take a step back and give you the space you want. You need to learn on your own too, I need to stop coming in. I don't wish to be an "issue" either. So for whatever things it might be, I'm putting on my hat, dressed in my coat, and I'll be back into the shadows again. Maybe until next time. Keep up the good work. ^^

I'll walk alone, but I'll always be near.




Thank you chubby girl. Had a great time chatting with ya today =) Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for appreciating me. Hope you can get something from it.

P.S. work harder on your bejeweled score HAHA.



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Shit sometimes I'm so freaking self centered I keep talking about myself only. I need to friggin look pass myself. Rawr. Sorry for being such a whiny self-centered blockhead, I forgot about you, that you too might have you difficulties. I didn't even give you time to speak about yourself. Urgh. Dam. sorry sorry sorry. *hugs* thanks for caring for me so much.

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Significance
Friday, November 19, 2010

Going through a emo season again. Thinking as though I was insignificant once again. It's like every little thing hitting me as though I'm not important, I don't mean a thing, or rather worst, that I'm a pest.

blaaa, I know I know I'm not one, unless for those who really think so T^T haha but yea. Or maybe its a repercussion from me being such an ass in my reaction formation to people. Sometimes people make jokes about me which after awhile I begin to question it's reality. Is it a joke, or with it brings out some genuine feelings from them inside?

Yup. Then as well, questioning my significance to people. Am I someone to them, not needed in like a big extravagant way, but just to know my existence to them, and that I've done something reasonably significant to them. Ha.

Deep down, I know that certainly I'm more than just a random fella to some people, or to others, that I've impacted them. It's hard to keep assuring myself amidst all the doubts. That hunger for someone, to affirm you, to make you feel valued, as though you meant something.

But ah, come on. Such things one be relied on others. In a world that holds back on its affirmation, either because of ingratitude or fears, sends a ripple outwards to those in needs. You see, that's why, even succumbing to fear is being selfish. Because you placed yourself in the center of focus, you missed out doing good in someone's life. Gotta keep fighting.

For this reason too I enjoy giving random affirmations to people. Sometimes, instead of waiting for that someone to come, why not be that someone to others ^^

It's not about how much problems you have, its about what you're gonna do about them.



I got an interesting dream a few nights back, and in most of my dreams, I'm semi conscious, meaning I'll do what I normally do if I was awake.

I dreamt he died. It didnt feel like much pain at all. Maybe playing all the scenarios in my head over and over again had numbed me to it. Not sure if I was prepared, or just being cold heartless with the prospect of death. It wasn't the first time anyway. Or like when I look out of the window, imagining myself as one without them. What would I do. Will I break down and cry? Will my life be over? Will I be nonchalant? Will I pass the grieving stage, knowing there wouldn't be a need to? In my dream, I wondered to myself, knowing its illusion, if my inner scenarios of death will affect my reaction to it as it is in my dream. Dream consciousness ftw yea lol

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Against Gravity
Thursday, November 18, 2010

Idling away...

Today's finally a break for once, after 3 weeks of non stop chionging, not that it's fast but everyday had something on it, it's hard to find a day with nothing on the to-do-list.

Woke up at 2pm and miraculously willed myself out for lunch, by myself cos I wanted a chill out. My willpower growing siolz. I didn't even on the com beforehand xD Planned on eating cheesy meltz from kfc lol. Met mom outside door and asked her out as well, though she already planned to cook baked spaghetti with oysters, yea good life sia me =P

Was out talking with mom about relationships, and all my typical thoughts towards it, bla bla bla, shalln't be bothered to reiterate everything. Came back, opened barely finished essay, and then decided to watch Megamind, willpower fail =.=

Haha, frankly, I got emoed a bit when watching, somewhere near the mid. I have no idea why whenever I watch or read about rejection, my heart burns with this dark flame from the inside out. Weird feeling but yea, wonder why. Or sometimes I sadistically replay scenarios in my head, engulfing it with an agony, giving it an effect like drugs. lol. that sinking feeling, I think if I do that long enough my heart's gonna like shift by 1cm from sinking non stop. But yea, dont worry, never did that for veh long time already =P

Finished my essay around 8? haha dam funny seriously, every one is shocked whenever they hear that I'm making progress with my essay or for the fact that I did it pretty early. HAHA hooray for first assignment! and =.= yea, can you believe it. Their impression and expectation of me...

I&E event is screwing up, dates gotta be changed cos most of the HI's cant make it. Haaais, I gave up. Wasn't gonna think anymore about it. I hate it whenever I gotta plan something like that. The poly life is so hectic, I cant trust in the future to give me a free date. Like how people who try arrange a date with me in the far future always get a maybe response from me. Heeey it's so long ahead, who knows what might happen or something more important rite. But anywayz for the HI event, sianz. Probably have to shift it a few months back, which again by then don't know what will happen already. I hate this feeling.

Your passiveness allows gravity to suck you deeper. It only takes a step, a will. At the end of your life, is the really the way you want it? When you look back, can you face up to the things you could have done, for your friends, for the people around you, for those that care. If you wanna give up like that, why not at least do some good with it since you feel you'll fall anyway, go dare yourself to care, to do something you'd never believe in, and maybe, just maybe, you'll find life has more meaning than just living the pain away. That we are creators of who we want ourselves to be, that we aren't as weak and helpless as we thought we are towards these trials. I know how easy it is, how "fun" it is to dwell in the melancholy, but hey, you gotta realize this isn't doing you any good. I'm writing these messages all to you, because I can barely get to you anymore. I don't even know why I care. But whatever it is, be it if it has to kill me, or you, I just wanna see you get out of that mess, I wanna see you free, to be truly happy, to see life in you. I pray that you'll find strength, that you'll be strong and that you'll one day be well.

It's just like standing. You fight against gravity; you fight against your self.

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Buggy Feeling
Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Blaaa, cool down a bit should this shouldn't be a rage post.

Zzz, kinda crappish seeing something from my blog being out there and perhaps somewhat misinterpreted. The benefit of doubt maybe, shall trust that no harm intended, but zzz, it kinda irritates me whenever people misinterpret something written here.

Blaargh, this is a place where I'm fully open and honest with myself at a curent point of time. And the way it's written differs sometimes when I'm pissed or emo, eh, dun bother reading those, often it's with warped thinking. haha

but hais, sometimes I dunno if I should lock up things, or create a new private blog for my other thoughts, now that I know certain people reading it, or the irritating possibility of once again getting misunderstood.

Dont feel like hiding anything in the first place, hence I'm writing in such a way. But baaah, gets me this buggy feeling. Ok nvm, shall stop all these random stuff. I've got nothing to hide anyway, or maybe a few things I feel to awkward to say to people directly ahaha.

Hi to all random people who read this!!! Thanks, veh much appreciated knowing people take time to read my horribly long wordy posts =P


I wonder if I secretly hate you for the way you are. I think I need to be less judgmental. Like seriously.

I also wished you'll take charge of your life. Don't live your life in non-existence to others, be responsible for your own life, your actions, your choices.

The question is would you be able to face up to reality, or would you rather that exist in fantasy, wishing that it'll be so, but unable to accept it when it happens.

I hate it when I think about you, my mind goes on forever. this is like the 4th edit =.= but yea. haaaaaaaaais. I'm tired of fighting on already, it's going into reverse, I'm drawing myself away I think. Or maybe I just wan to avoid all the negative emotions.

Don't really wannt turn back
Monday, November 15, 2010

Today's been a weird pensive day somehow.

somehow feels like lotsa things have been weighing on my heart. Events management, HiClub, friend issues and dynamics, supporting others, assignment due dates, thoughts about life as well.

Hais. To a certain few friends.

To one group, both present and past. Sorry for my way of friendship. It's jus my style of doing things or not I'll get overloaded. Social capacity as once mentioned. But hais, sometimes you guys wanna know the truth, yet I'm not sur eif it's my fault for revealing everything, but most of the times, people cant handle the brutal truth, and in the end it affects some dynamics. ZZZ

I'm tired luh, and I know you prolly wouldn't really care if it made a difference. It's your choice, it's your path. I done as best that I can, whether in good or in bad results. It's my foolishness for doing it even when you told me to go away but argh what to do, I'm a fool for life when it comes to such matters, not that I'm sure if it even qualifies to you. But either way you wan it, I'm regressing from a friends role to a passerby. Once again thoughts rampage my mind of the returns, but I guess it'll in childish fantasies. Maybe I was never good enough for you.


And you, another one. I owe you I think. Not sure if you're still here all these but yea, sorry for all the awkwardness and stuff. I still do think of you every now and then, or when I see you. But just feel so burned out and weird to even say hi. sorry I suck ._. You know, I kinda wanted to do something about us when sem started. Thought of buying some thingy to pass to you. It's been 3 weeks and I've done nothing. Duuuh. Haha, I think you just forget about me bah =P But continue working on your life k. I once said you were someone strong and positive and I'm not gonna retract that. Go on and fight everything ok, even if life beats you down, slap it back and stand up. I believe in you. =) Gambatte


Anyway, I think I'm gonna burn myself out this sem trying to get my hiclub class to bond, but owells. I'ma put in all I got for this valuable generation. Needa give them my all as best as I can. Shall persevere on, even if it kills me so.

Don't wanna turn back, even though you wouldn't chase, you wouldn't dare, nor would you last. You'd rather let it go, thinking it was best for me. But dont worry, my heart isn't strong enough to harden, I'll come back somehow, somewhat. Just maybe for now, I gotta pull through this season, till that fool within takes me back to you, if you still would be there.

Hais.

I need a break. But there's no space. Too many things to handle, too many responsibility to bear, too many people around. Needing that love but yet I feel its so selfish. Zzz, let it pass soon, or give me the strength to carry through. So much things to do, so little time.

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Passive Aggression
Saturday, November 13, 2010

Sometimes, we'd cut ourselves off from others, be it in seclusion, or depression, thinking we'd do good to them, by not troubling them with our issues, by being strong and coping by ourselves.
We claim to protect the ones we care for, yet by doing so, people often fail to realize that it is this very act that hurts the people they very well intended to "protect". True, it may somewhat shades the ignorant around, but the greatest damage done is to those who care for you.

Your friends, your family, the people you never thought meant anything who are watching silently from the shadows are the victims of your passive aggression you thought was helping them. It's as simple as the feeling when a friend teases you and not tell you something, which you might really want to know. That buggy feeling, multiplied by the times you see/sense a friend in need, and yet, closes their doors upon you and all you can do is nothing but sit around and watch, knowing your friend's struggling on their own.

It's easy to do it to others. It isn't easy when it's being done to you.

Will update more soon. I'm shag from instructor's retreat

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Multi-Faceted
Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Was thinking about me and the various impressions people have of me, as well as the multi-faceted division of my personality.

Think I'm the kind of person, which people will have lots of conflicting impressions. Usually, most people from afar have a favourable view towards me, someone high, friendly, funny. Then as people draw near, see a few not so likable parts of me. Then as people come into contact, over a duration, splits to two paths, dislike, and acceptance. The final part would be when people cross the barriers into understanding me and my ways, then somehow I think views change to much more positive? HAHA owells =P

I often laugh when people mention my name as something good when they never really interacted with me before. Good as it might be, many of them are not aware of the "difficulty" of being with someone like me, most for my deviance in challenging conformity with my world. When they do get past the level of interacting with me then I'll take their compliments of me being someone nice more seriously.



Maybe I think I'll dwell more on the different sides of me =D Since young I notice certain patterns of behaviour, a collective set of traits accustomed to a personality frame, as well as having a few sides. Not that I'm schizo, but I like to see myself as a multi-personalized person with various sides, that may surface at different points of time or with different people.


== Childish side ==

Usually appears during times I'm bored or feeling down. This is one of the more suppressed sides, thought exhibited more during poly times, especially with the people who I am comfortable with. One of my favourite sides, you know, being a kid and just being in love with everything around, thinking simplistically and fascinated with every little thing.

Accounts for many of my immatured moment. Most people do note that I have quite a kiddish nature, be it if it's annoying or amusing. Maybe due to my childhood, I didn't really get to be a child? Have this world of my own, I'll enter and be completely comfortable there, oblivious to my surroundings.

One thing I fear along the way was knowing as the years go by, this side would be less and less likely to be accepted/tolerated, with society's pressure of having to be all grown up and matured.

Found my place during YEP '09 trip where, the team really accepted me as I am, allowing this side of me to fully surface without the need for repression, and felt loved and cared for without disdain. Really owe it to them, for allowing me to believe in myself, and come to terms to this side of me.


== Random ==

Woots, another fun side of me, where I get the randomest of ideas with completely no link to anything whatsoever. Can be quite amusing at times, with nonsensical humour and the ability to make east and west touch.

Think it brings quite a lot of life to me as well, lightening the mood as well as for really random ideas and inspirations.


== Inquisitive ==

My thinker mode. When in this mode, I'll be thinking of everything and anything. Be it on life mostly sometimes I have random thoughts on what makes rice the staple food, or things that are naturally pink, or why books are rectangular, why space exists, the function of love, why we all have names, all sorts of stuff. Most things around me appear interesting or mysteriously intriguing.

If you can find me in this mood, I'll be questioning and thinking on how and why everything are that way. Most people would always give me that "what?!" reply like as though why such a question would ever come across anyone's mind.

Part of me which expands my thinking/knowledge bank, searching deeper into things most people do not thing about or consider.


== Emo ==

Emo side when the negative stuff floods in. Mostly pessimistic, and much into a negative spiral of thoughts. Typically, everything seems bleak, and I'll wallow about in melancholy and feeling helpless. My selfish moments of wishing lotsa of stuff as well, in a dreamy state of how my ideals and fantasies could be.

Often through this blog, others get to see a really depressive view towards things. Surprising to some to see someone like me go so low? but I think after awhile they get used to it =P check out my old emo post by the tags to know how bad things can turn in my mind when I'm being down.


== Introverted ==

My super quiet or reclusive state. Either dwelling in my own world, with little desire to interact with people. Also accounts for the shy moments towards people. Yes... I have my shy moments too. Enjoy peace and quiet and withdrawal from friends and people. Also the part where I become very conscious and wary of others, not daring to talk to people. Often this mode kicks in after a burnout from a highly sociable activity like camp or sorts.


== Good ==

The side I'm trying to train and improve on. This side of me longs for the good of others, and cant resist helping out whenever I see something that could be helped. After going through much of troubles of my own, I seek out to alleviate the pain of others, be it through small acts.

There's an amplified even nicer side of me where I'll go the extra mile plus open my reserves to help someone, often overlooking my own, such as fears and thoughts, to fully focus on the person. Again, uncommon side, but yea, wahahas. Some of the nice bits of me.


== Shadow ==

Pure selfishness and destruction in its manifestation, a reversal of the good side of me. This part of me abuses the skills and pinpointing intuition to spot out problems, and turn them into weaknesses used again the target. Lotsa thoughts of how to screw up one person, how easy it would be like, destruction after all is so easy to enact. Playing all the possible scenes of destroying another person causing a life of misery.

BUUUT chey. I'm too nice to do it somehow. Have never done it on anyone and should never will, it'll be a great failure if I were to abuse my skills and blaaa. Only manifested when completely pissed off by inconsiderate selfish jerks who affect others through their self centered living.


== Matured ==

This is one of the bestest, nicest, rarest side. There are certain occasional moments where I become a really serious, matured person. Somehow equipped with the wisdom to make an impactful change in someone for that moment. As compared to my impatient thinking self, this side of me brings out an empathetic, un-offensive, confrontational approach in resolving problems.

Haha, appears in moments where I tune in to myself, hardly ever though. Haha, lucky few to those who have seen it.


== Real Self ==

The side I'm proud of, and that which I name as "Nico" to differentiate it from the usual me. This side of me, in its full awareness of every dynamics and the functions within. A subtle voice to the emo side, of the truth and values, and in all its philosophy with knowledge as to what's right. This is the moral side to me, and is probably the side that picks me up. The one that fights against every defense mechanism that "protects" me from the world. Haha, I love it how I know myself so well, I can counter my every move if I wanted to. This self is the one that keeps me going whenever swayed by emotions or environment.

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Cant Do It
Monday, November 8, 2010

Emo season kicking in again.

Feel like dwelling in all those thoughts again. But I think I'll probably bounce back some how, whether I want to or not =l

Maybe guilt, disappointment from not meeting up to standards, failing to deliver results. Regardless of their concerns, I have my responsibility, even though it's much distorted, by it's a code of conduct I live by.

When I say it, I'll do it somehow regardless of whether it really is possible for me to. It's not just me in this, it's a group's and all the more I am accountable to them.

Haiz ._. Feeling like I'm not good enough again.

Blaaahz. I should stop making those kind of sarcastic jokes. Never know when it might hit a soft spot ._.

Part of me feels like giving up, while the other side trying to persevere on. And yet negative feelings of redundancy and uselessness seeping in, slowly, as I shake them off.

Pfft.


Heh, hard to find any more open blogs le. Am I the only idiot that bares my soul out to the open? And a nice reply from a friend, "if you're an idiot writing, all those who reads would be idiots as well" Hi all you idiotic readers :D Whoever you are, thanks ^^

AND RAAAAAAAWWWRR sometimes it sucks thinking about ppl reading mine and and yet not the other way. You especially =.= Bah too bad I'm such an idiot. A good one I hope.

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Mindful Scrambles
Sunday, November 7, 2010

Been a 2 days and this is a collection of my the little scrambles in my mind. A thought worthy post for me. About 2k words in total O.O I wish this was my essay =(

Everyday routine:
Access computer
Facebook
Bejeweled
Check Msn
Play Bejeweled
Remind myself of all the work due
Check out interesting facts lists
Play more Bejeweled games
Time check 1.00am
Promise myself I'll do work tomorrow.

Oh duh... I wasted one week telling myself to do work but nothing's done so far. I dun like the feeling I'm having. It feels tooooo slack T^T

And shit. my migraine attacks are getting more frequent. Almost puked in the train the other time. Thank God I made it to school to puke at the field. Dang, there goes my choc chip muffin =(


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"Can You Still Love Me?"

And to your thought of love. You say its better that you love others. True, but as noble as it sounds, I'll shoot it down (judging I know), because what is the root of your love? To gain something you want? comfort? security? attention? affection? companion? Whichever, but the very thought of you hoping to gain something out of it would be of selfish nature.

Desiring is natural in its form, but to look for gain from something to love makes it selfish on its own. Perhaps, I'd see it as, "I wish I could get this and that, but whether or not I get it does not determine my love for him/her" The end results shud never affect one's option to love. Love is meant to be given away, not for taking, though ironic to most people's conception of it.

Can you still love me, or someone in your life, if he/she was the most terrible and unlikable shitz ever? You would, if your love for me wasn't out to gain something from me, but for who I am, whatever the way I was. You may not love the things I do, but you'd love me for the very being of me.

Switch the story over. Would you still love the people you claim to love, friends or family, if they no longer gave you the things you want/needed from them? Most wouldn't think twice about answering "yes" but have they realize the amount of grudges, or displeasure they had towards others. Why then? Infringement of our rights? Failure to provide our perceived "necessities"? Do people only love others because it's easy to love when things are being nice and they are getting their way, is it all based on situations and circumstances? Do we treat people like clothes? I'll only choose you if I look or feel good with you and discard the rest that don't "match".

My friend, please don't talk so boldly and nobly about love, if the only thing that revolves around your love, is yourself. The love that you speak of, will prove itself in the test of time.

Agape.

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"Life's Fulfillment"

Recalling his death, I think to myself. What would it be like if I was the one dying. I think I fight hard for my life. Or even if I go to heaven, I wouldn't wanna go in. I'll ask for a second chance. There's so much things I've yet to do. So much souls I've yet to touch. I cant simply go yet. There's much more work I could have done. I think that we often take life for granted. Waiting till another time to do things, shifting responsibility for the present.

And then maybe to all the Singaporean teens out there. The life of a 19 year old ended as adruptly as no one expected. But now if you were to put yourself in his shoes. 19 years gone like that. First 6 years as kids, housing many memorable moments. Next 10 years spent in the education system, attaining grades and progressing through the levels. Additional 2 if you go JC. Next 3 years, taking on more practical experiences with specific choice of studies.

If life was to end tmr, and looking back, would life have been worth it? Chasing after selfish pursuits, materialistic wants, or the way our life is so wired to go after "success" as its definition by society. What would you parents feel, if in the whole of 19 years, your only ideal for them was for them to strive hard to gain an education to get better jobs, better pay, pushing them for at least half their lives. And then at the 19th year, in their prime of their life, for them to be gone. What meaning would life had then. Have we, lost the essence of living life through all the mindless pursuits propagandized by the media and how society has shaped us. Since when has any one been happy after getting the things they want, (ok, lets mean usually), or is it just being temporarily satisfied, only to be filled with more wants again. If this was your last hour on earth, would your life be a fulfilling one, or one lived out in regrets, problems, waiting, selfishness?

Death is magical in its way. It open new doors to life. A sunset to one, is a sunrise to another. Start living right.

On a side note, I think it's interesting out we all secretly question ourselves what comes next after death. It's so mind boggling, we choose to avoid it. The amount of anxiety may even cause people to become angry, fearful, defensive, pensive and many more. But the thing is, we do wonder, and we seek answers. Answers science cannot provide. Human design much? Intricate isn't it? What's your answer?


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"How Good is your Good?"

"God wants to keep doing good things in your life because you are His beloved child. Raise your hope & expect good things to happen to you!"

Interesting quote from a pastor. True as it is, but how much truth there is in it is dependent on much much we choose to accept. In post modern Christianity. Much is preached of the good things in stall for us. Appealing isn't it?

Cut the chase, and one step deeper. What is this "good" that is being spoken about? For good and favorable things, comfort, wealth and a good life? Bullshit. Is the "good" intended for us defined by us humans, or God? Good things never come easy. Refinement always takes place preceding good things to happen. Why, because the only good God intended for us, is us ourselves. Not for any good measures of life, while those may come in bonuses, but the fundamental good that takes place is the transformation of the person within. The development of character; love, patience, kindness, self control, joy, peace so on and so forth.

Post modern Christianity often talks about the good things that happen to us, well, then what about the bad? Are those not from God then? So is God truly sovereign? The problem about us nowadays is our consumerism attitude, we only want what's in for us, the good stuff of course. But never what's hard, uncomfortable and difficult.

But truly, I think God's good for us is often contrary to the way we want it or think it would be. It often requires sacrifice, obedience, going against our selfish nature, faith in the unthinkable, stepping out of the comfort zone. It's hardly ever the common notion of doing a simple prayer and watching money rain from the sky. In times of tribulation, do we blame God for denying us the "good things" we mistakenly thought He would? Or have we twisted His promises into our own wishes.

Refinement is often painful, as a consuming fire, burning away the impurities within. A work made by stones, bricks, wood, hay reveals easily under the test of fire. This "good" you talk about, how good is your "good" really?

I'll end this section with my own quote:

There is no good or bad things (defined as experiences) in this world. Only the desirable and undesirable, for all things work together for the greater good and purpose of our God, whether understood in the present, future, or beyond our knowing.


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"The Forgotten"

Relationships. Was talking to a friend about how people or teens are getting into relationships nowadays. I personally find that, people are jumping into relationships too quickly.

The choice of a getting to a relationship requires a increase in commitment level, and I find that most couples face unnecessary problems because they take things too quickly. I like you you like me, ok lets get together.

To me, I find that there ought to be a pre-relationship moment, where ideally should be when two people work together under the objective to know each other more. Rather than leaving it to the "relationship" stage. The point of "officially being together" requires both party to to increase a level of support and understanding for each other, and skipping the first step of getting to know each other better is like adding additional burdens to do.

Besides, I think we do have to agree that under the spell of love, biasness often clouds one's mind. Many things are done on impulse and most of things concerning the object of affection appears ideal and perfect. Until they know better. Conflicts arises. After awhile, the truth slowly seeps in and we come to find that, things don't really seem to appear the way they did previously, more unlikeable stuff that annoys us, or issues of different opinions clash.

I think its the same reason why we don't jump into marriage. It's a big thing, with extra commitments and responsibilities. My point is, its the same! Being in a romantic relationships is also the next step from "friendship" as defined by one knowing another. I feel that its the downgrading of romantic relationships and its importance being underrated as something negligible. All its perks seems so alluring and desirable, we overlook the necessary steps and preparation required for it.

True, it's a personal choice thing, but I think for myself, if ever the case of me thinking of getting together with someone, I'll set myself this grace period, perhaps a minimum of 1 month. I'll need to know this girl, and so does she for me. At least so, she's gotta see all the sides of me, know me for more than just my "likable sides". The times I emo, the times I go wild, the times I become horribly selfish, the times under stress, the times where I follow my calling, the times I have my needs, the times of deviance, the times I'm being a complete retarded insensitive doofus. Cause there's no way anybody will be able to enter a relationships, and just taking in only the good stuff, and leaving out the bad. You cant split a person into good and bad and choose the parts you want. As well as, if one can accept another for their worst, there's nothing much left to complain or be unwantedly surprised about.


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"Imperfection"

Haiyaaa, I still think I'm not being good enough, not from the point of esteem issues but it's once again every time I evaluate my works with my knowings, it just fails to live up to what I have in my head (or heart). So much for the constant thought of loving others, yet much of me is still filled with selfishness.

Selfishness also in the sense that I have my point of focus on myself before others. Things like pride and fear. My pride of not wanting to allow people see me as weak, or in fact "good" (yea I like to appear bad sometimes). Things like thinking whether it's convenient for me or whether I would lose out (maybe time with friends if I decide to go meet someone). Fear restraining me from saying things, showing concern, thinking into what the person would think of me.

Oh blehz, if only I could be rid of such things ._. But nvm, learning along the way =)


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"Conformity to the World"

And thanks Yvette for sharing =D

'And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Romans 12:2

Deviance to social norms breaking free from the regime of the selfish law of the world's system. Part of me is showing true deviance, though the other part is just trying to prove myself. Blehz.

Once again, I'm proud of myself that I chose not to conform during camp. Thank God = ) Bahahaha!

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Powerless To Change
Friday, November 5, 2010

Hmm, got the thought about the main comm thing, now that they're choosing the new batch for hi club. Sparked off by someone presenting it to me as a sensitive issue. Got me guessing, then thinking whether I would really be affected by it, only to realize, I was and would be affected by it, mildly perhaps?

Looking back, I've been in much of Hi club. Was one of the best fews in my batch, something I wouldn't expect, and something I've never been either. Was picked up for Subcomm and the possibility of main comm. Delighted of course, my mind set up for things to do when I would be installed, the ideas and things I could do.

Things happened, through the trial, decisions changed and I was taken out from the main comm, replaced by ZX which I feel, believe, know he has done a friggin solid job in paving Hi Club to the way it is now, his constant effort in building and maintaining plans. Upset as he was though, when the final results were revealed.

And well, as for me, I did emo-ed about it of course. It was part of what I wanted, or moments of my heart for Hi Club, and losing that role would mean losing the opportunity to do the many things I wanted to do. World caved in for a few days, and resolved by my own solo rogue missions to do what I wanted to.

I do wonder though, what would be the truth. I felt I would have been too irresponsible for such a role, knowing I'm such a slacker, most told me otherwise, saying I was up to it. Others felt it was a case of biasness. Well, no one really would know but either way, I think things definitely have been better for me.

The good first, would be woots, I had so much more time and less responsibilities as compared to them. Could focus on other things instead. Could work with other people and look out for the rest. I think it helped me see Hi Club from another perspective too.

The bad then, would be along the way, as I see the main comm not reaching to my expectations of what they ought to be like with their potentials. Bits everywhere that needed fixing. Uninspired comm members, some without purpose, some without confidence, others without support. It saddens me whenever I think of what I could have done if I had the power to. Being out of the main comm itself cut me off from the action, and slowly just drift away from them as a separate individual identity.

You know the feeling when you can do something yet unable to? Hahax. Sometimes feeling so useless as well. Everytime my chats with Tim or Zx will get me so riled up with the things that are going wrong as well as all the things that can be done, if only I was in.

Time and time over again, I wish I could step in and kick the main comm's butt into doing what they ought to be doing. Really, if I had the chance, I'll give them such an ass whooping I'm be sure to make them improve. People not doing their jobs well, others having needless concerns, and in the end, those whose hearts are there are taking additional responsibilities and jobs that rightfully belong to others.

Well, things are different now I guess. Grown up a bit, and maybe more capable to have such a role, but perhaps too late. All I hope for now, is that things will get better and the situation of the comm will improved, regardless or not if I made a difference.

But wellz, as much as having to overcome the occasional coveting of roles, I think I'll just do as best I can, to invest in the future generation, making sure they have the best, and not to repeat the same mistakes again.


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Thanks Dawn for the affirmation. Though it's been quite some time since, think it's really nice of you to put in that effort where most would have just left it aside, devoured by distractions or worries. What I did was for no one other that to stand my ground before God and myself. Glad I made it through. I hope others would do it too ^^ Hahax for those wondering, its something about lac camp =P

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Irresponsibly Responsible
Thursday, November 4, 2010

Hmm. Just a quick random post.

Sometimes I think I'm pretty responsible. Other times, I think I'm dam irresponsible. I think overall, I'm more irresponsible than responsible, but for the times I am, I become pretty loyal to whatever I'm doing.

I'd prefer to avoid responsibility. Responsibility comes with great demands of one, and msotly sacrifices, of having to finish a job, either one time, or lasting, till life deems fits.

And when the times comes for me to be responsible, boy it's as though I sealed my soul with it. Bound to fulfill it whether I can do it or not, whether I like it or not. Simple stuff such as friendship, duties, expectations, promises.

Hardest times come especially when I can only fulfill one of two major roles. Maybe like bro's birthday and school (project meeting). As easy as some might pangseh the meeting or postpone the birthday plan, struggled to decide which I shud do.

Probably maybe as well as a video project vs a outing with friends who wants me there. Bah, don't really think any one would understand my dilemma, both equally as important to my heart.

Dunno why I feel bounded by such things, but yup. Random thoughts for the night.


Pretty cool bumping into random hiclub campers on campus.
Miss them at times, all their girliness and awesomeness ^^ Wonder how are they all ._. sometimes I even forget I was once part of the group.


Alululus ♥

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