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Sapphire Tears
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sat alone pondering over quite a number of things.Life. I miss its simplicity and the fellowship of friends. Now, I'm just hurting those close to me, and I don't know what to do and who to go to anymore. Or maybe, its just me being alone. Trying hard to be something for them too, but I guess I'll never be good enough...I wish to have someone who will stay by me, chase me despite my fleeting personality. Sometimes, I really dont know how to build any relationship. I've never really experience the intimacy of friendship. I'm trying my best, though I know it's quite pathetic as compared to many people. I feel envious when I see others being able to come together and enjoy their time, and here I am, alone, with many incorporeal relationships not knowing how to make them work.But I dont think I deserve anyone coming. I'm too selfish. Too needy. Too screwed up.I hope I'll get used to this feeling soon. I hate crying over myself.Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts
Lay that love to rest.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Never imagine myself to have to go through those word, and causing all that heart wrenching feeling to another. I don't know how to alleviate the pain, and I dont know what I can do to make things better.This the only place that allows me a voice, a chance to speak to you, and I hope you'll understand, that it isn't your fault or you wouldn't take it upon yourself.I assure you, that I did like you, and all those precious enjoyable memories that came with it. I treasure the moments together with you, seeing your smile, teasing you.It's comes the moment I foretold, where my heart withers away. All these scars and memories, calling out, returning me to the void of the abyss. I no longer know how to love anyone, and my resources are depleted.I dont want to lose you. You're the last of the 3 I currently have, more so, someone really special to me. I dread the day, I'll be completely alone, just a wandering soul.But I'm sorry, sorry to make you cry bitterly like that. I cant pretend to hold on to you when I'm little strength to sustain it. I dont want to give you a false hope either.I hope and pray you'll be fine. And that I'll still be able to enjoy the company of your friendship.Labels: heart, memories, qq
Dare to Jump
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thank you.Thank you for staying.Thank you for listening.Thank you for holding me.Thank you for encouraging me.Thank you for telling me.Thank you for caring, and making me feel so.It's been really long since I felt that special care from people around. Much so that I've forgotten what it feels like. Many of the things you've said stays in my mind, conflicting against the negative thoughts I've held on to.One of the hardest statement for me to accept, I vaguely remember..."We care for you and that you've been caring for others and so we want to do something for you as well."Maybe I cant quite remember the words since my mind finds it hard to accept it, or acknowledge those words. It hard to imagine that people care for me, that I'm more than just a random someone to them. I just dont know what its supposed to be like.
I dont know. I still have little faith that people, or what would be my "friends" would be there for me. But, your words and actions today, really allowed me to feel and experience the care of another once again.And so I'll try, take risks, and jump again. I hope there truly will be people to catch me, and too that I wouldn't waste the time left I can share with everyone.Thank you so much Abby. It means, a whole whole lot for me. A lot.Labels: frenz, heart, life, love, Me, memories, thoughts
This is for the One's
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
This one's for the lonely,
the ones that seek and find,
only to be let down again.
This one's for the torn down,
the experts at the fall,
c'mon friends get up now,
you're not alone at all.
This is for the ones who stand,
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the one who think they can
I wonder if anyone would cheer for me like that. I dont think so, but if they did, I wish I'd know.
Labels: thoughts Pariah
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The last words you told me was that I was lovely, or some form of matter anyone would love.But everything you're doing now only reminds me of how those who hated me. Silence. Rejection. Non-existence.Getting over you is one thing, but getting over the hurts and scars you left behind will take more than just forgetting. I'll never believe those words again. I'm not hard to love. I wasn't meant to be loved. Never felt any worse in my life.Cant find the strength to do any of my 7 assignments. 2 more weeks. It'll be over.
Labels: EMO
Jump then Fall into me
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I fell today. I havent for a really long time.Slipped on the steps while walking in the rain. Tumbled down two steps further, my hand filled with dirt, my handphone on the floor, its cover a distance away. Amongst all the soot, I saw a tinge of red beginning to well up. I dreaded what came next.It's just a small cut, and a little blood. But the pain reminded me of the loneliness, falling on my own, having to stand up and pick myself up all by my own. There was a sudden flow of loneliness, and sadness rushing into my mind, paralyzing it. Somehow, I had to fight really hard to continue walking to catch up to my classmates in front. But it felt so cold, felt like everything was collapsing.The physical experience of falling made all the emotional battles I've been through suddenly feel so tangible. The difference when it's in your mind and in your hands.It's been quite a tough time, I can't remember the last time when things were simple and peaceful.Labels: thoughts
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Life's been so dramatic recently. Ups and downs flooded with a flurry of emotions. A cyclic rotation of events. Cant seem to settle downIs it this way for everyone else too? I wish there'll be a moment of peace, without hidden secrets, lies, neglect, pain, stress and foolish debauchery.The drama adds life and meaning. Without all these, I can expect things to be really mundane. But yet, I long for a moment I can settle down with friends and loved ones. I don't want to keep fighting so hard for everything. I hate being weak as I am now, lost and spiraling into a mess of problems. At this point, I cant even hold a steady relationship with anyone. Every relation around me is crumbling. Most importantly, I've lost it. Lost the intimacy with You. Hence the loss as life. I miss the way things were, courageous and strong. The fierce passion burning inside, shadowed by a longing for Your presence.I think it's the path I took. I left. Now's its the consequences, the guilt that holds me back. I don't know how to face You anymore. I miss You =l I'm sorry.Labels: God, thoughts
Chasing Cars
Saturday, July 9, 2011
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
- Chasing Cars/Snow Patrol
Wonder how much one is willing to give up for love. Not the silly romance kind. I'm talking about times which will put you to the test. All you willing able to put down everything for the person you love? Put down your dreams, ambitions, and own activities you want to pursue. If so, how long would you do it? 10 minutes? 1 hour? 1 day? 1 week? 1 year? 10 years? A life time?I dare not say I will. It's a scary thing, to let go of a securedly plan future just to hold on to the people you love. And even then, love needs not be out of a romantic root. Affections, apply too. How much are you willing to lay down for your partner? For your friend? and maybe for your family?A lot. but its hard. One example that comes to mind is parents. Often we complain about how much we dislike of something our parent do about us. Maybe limit us, or perhaps stopping us from doing things. But maybe, just maybe we've forgotten all about them, and blindly taken their deeds and sacrifices for granted.We get to enjoy freedom to do the things we want. Yes, for some its only to a certain degree, but nonetheless most of us would have quite a fair bit of autonomy in our lives. Imagine having all your free time dedicated to working for an income. Dedicated not out of your own pleasure, but dedicated out of a will to sustain and comfortable life for the people around you. While us kids go out to enjoy our time, no matter what, we'll always have quite a few hours of free will, on the other hand parents have to go out to work, face endless tasks, endure annoying bosses or pompous customers. All for the sake of us. When they come back, they have to handle us (whatever little they might give to our liking) and take care of the household. All here we all complaining about a restricted life where our parents hope to do during their free time is just to have a break.Then again, maybe some of us would argue about not being able to pursue our dreams. And maybe we'll miss out on a good opportunity. I like to think that, our parents raised us (me) for 19 years. I'm sure my parents gave up many things they wanted to do, pursue their dreams, work on something special, personal time, catch up with friends. Through 19 years of life, much to my unknown, my parents have heartbreakingly put aside much of their ideals to take care of me, bring me up. Moms get confine to the household to look after the kids. Dads have to work harder to feed another mouth. You know, even if they are the not good as parents, to have shelter above my head, to have a bowl of rice on my table, to even have the free time to pursue my own things, all these doesnt come easy. We can always claim independence by getting a part time job, but that would never measure up to the amount parents would have to work. Our part time job only covers our own expenses. It doesnt cover all those miscellaneous expenses we actually cant afford. Maybe now that we've all grown up and can take care of ourselves, hey, they're free to pursue their dreams now right? Not really. We've grown up and we're all big now, but dont forget, our parents too have grown, old. In a society demanding excellence, there is little space for an adult in his 40's to 50's to truly pursue a dream. Changing job would be unlikely, and even developing a personal talent would be difficult. Compare trying to become a professional musician at 20's as to during your 40-/50's. Theres already no space, little time, and lesser plasticity in the 'easiness' to learn. Our parents gave up their youth for us. Have you ever wondered how much our parents envy our youth? I'm not sure about others, but I often hear my mom telling me how nice it would be if she were me, to have all my free time, to pursue new courses, to go overseas, to do mission work. But clearly, she wont be able to do much of that, being tied down with so much responsibilities. We like to pick and choose our responsibilities. Some of us are willing to throw things and give up. Put ourselves in their shoes. These aren't responsibilities we can just leave and forget about. Sometimes, its a daily thing. These are responsibilities, a family you cant just abandon. Or even then, can we really blame them, are they superhumans? They are only as human as us. Sometimes we children think we have the biggest problems in the world. And we throw tantrums. We dont want to do things. And then we get really unhappy if our parents did something that "failed" us. Really unfair isn't it? Parents, they have the same kind of problems as we do, I'm dead sure. But there's more, more responsibility as an adult.This is probably something we cannot understand, until we become a parent ourselves. A moment our parents humbly wait for that they might have our understanding. Children of the world, stop complaining, and thinking only for ourselves. Our parents may suck in some ways, but so do you, and in my opinion, for majority of the case, there is no way, we can out-give our parents. In deeds or in sacrifice. Never.
Learn to love, our parents need it too.Labels: love, memories, thoughts Seasons of Pain
Monday, July 4, 2011
This has been one of the most trying periods of my life. The pain haunts me everyday. And during the nights it becomes unbearable.Sometimes , I ask myself what I've done to get this. I try my best in all intentions not to hurt anybody. I strive for doing what's right with whatever I can. I give as much as my selfish mind would.
Was because I did wrong? Or maybe I wasn't good enough. Not good enough for anyone to care. Will there be any redemption?
Right now I wish I can crawl into a hole, escape all these pain. Been growing much more recluse, avoiding people and cut ties with every single friend. Never been in quite a state for really long already.I feel so tired, weak, and pathetic. I feel like I'm not good enough for anybody. I feel like no one loves me, for who I am, but rather what I can do for them or the wants that I have fulfilled. I feel like, no one's going to love me with my flaws, as much as they tell me someone would.I really want leave all these... and find my dad. I need someone to hold me, love me, and tell me I'm perfect just the way I am. There's so many people around me, yet none that I can turn to, none that I can fully rely on to breathe. I've never felt such loneliness before.It feels like I don't belong here. It feels like, no one would ever accept me. Yet there is no escape from reality. I'll just have to make up my own fantasy.it hurts. it really hurts so bad.
Labels: EMO, frenz, heart
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Sapphire Tears
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sat alone pondering over quite a number of things.Life. I miss its simplicity and the fellowship of friends. Now, I'm just hurting those close to me, and I don't know what to do and who to go to anymore. Or maybe, its just me being alone. Trying hard to be something for them too, but I guess I'll never be good enough...I wish to have someone who will stay by me, chase me despite my fleeting personality. Sometimes, I really dont know how to build any relationship. I've never really experience the intimacy of friendship. I'm trying my best, though I know it's quite pathetic as compared to many people. I feel envious when I see others being able to come together and enjoy their time, and here I am, alone, with many incorporeal relationships not knowing how to make them work.But I dont think I deserve anyone coming. I'm too selfish. Too needy. Too screwed up.I hope I'll get used to this feeling soon. I hate crying over myself.Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts
Lay that love to rest.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Never imagine myself to have to go through those word, and causing all that heart wrenching feeling to another. I don't know how to alleviate the pain, and I dont know what I can do to make things better.This the only place that allows me a voice, a chance to speak to you, and I hope you'll understand, that it isn't your fault or you wouldn't take it upon yourself.I assure you, that I did like you, and all those precious enjoyable memories that came with it. I treasure the moments together with you, seeing your smile, teasing you.It's comes the moment I foretold, where my heart withers away. All these scars and memories, calling out, returning me to the void of the abyss. I no longer know how to love anyone, and my resources are depleted.I dont want to lose you. You're the last of the 3 I currently have, more so, someone really special to me. I dread the day, I'll be completely alone, just a wandering soul.But I'm sorry, sorry to make you cry bitterly like that. I cant pretend to hold on to you when I'm little strength to sustain it. I dont want to give you a false hope either.I hope and pray you'll be fine. And that I'll still be able to enjoy the company of your friendship.Labels: heart, memories, qq
Dare to Jump
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thank you.Thank you for staying.Thank you for listening.Thank you for holding me.Thank you for encouraging me.Thank you for telling me.Thank you for caring, and making me feel so.It's been really long since I felt that special care from people around. Much so that I've forgotten what it feels like. Many of the things you've said stays in my mind, conflicting against the negative thoughts I've held on to.One of the hardest statement for me to accept, I vaguely remember..."We care for you and that you've been caring for others and so we want to do something for you as well."Maybe I cant quite remember the words since my mind finds it hard to accept it, or acknowledge those words. It hard to imagine that people care for me, that I'm more than just a random someone to them. I just dont know what its supposed to be like.
I dont know. I still have little faith that people, or what would be my "friends" would be there for me. But, your words and actions today, really allowed me to feel and experience the care of another once again.And so I'll try, take risks, and jump again. I hope there truly will be people to catch me, and too that I wouldn't waste the time left I can share with everyone.Thank you so much Abby. It means, a whole whole lot for me. A lot.Labels: frenz, heart, life, love, Me, memories, thoughts
This is for the One's
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
This one's for the lonely,
the ones that seek and find,
only to be let down again.
This one's for the torn down,
the experts at the fall,
c'mon friends get up now,
you're not alone at all.
This is for the ones who stand,
For the ones who try again
For the ones who need a hand
For the one who think they can
I wonder if anyone would cheer for me like that. I dont think so, but if they did, I wish I'd know.
Labels: thoughts Pariah
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The last words you told me was that I was lovely, or some form of matter anyone would love.But everything you're doing now only reminds me of how those who hated me. Silence. Rejection. Non-existence.Getting over you is one thing, but getting over the hurts and scars you left behind will take more than just forgetting. I'll never believe those words again. I'm not hard to love. I wasn't meant to be loved. Never felt any worse in my life.Cant find the strength to do any of my 7 assignments. 2 more weeks. It'll be over.
Labels: EMO
Jump then Fall into me
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I fell today. I havent for a really long time.Slipped on the steps while walking in the rain. Tumbled down two steps further, my hand filled with dirt, my handphone on the floor, its cover a distance away. Amongst all the soot, I saw a tinge of red beginning to well up. I dreaded what came next.It's just a small cut, and a little blood. But the pain reminded me of the loneliness, falling on my own, having to stand up and pick myself up all by my own. There was a sudden flow of loneliness, and sadness rushing into my mind, paralyzing it. Somehow, I had to fight really hard to continue walking to catch up to my classmates in front. But it felt so cold, felt like everything was collapsing.The physical experience of falling made all the emotional battles I've been through suddenly feel so tangible. The difference when it's in your mind and in your hands.It's been quite a tough time, I can't remember the last time when things were simple and peaceful.Labels: thoughts
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Life's been so dramatic recently. Ups and downs flooded with a flurry of emotions. A cyclic rotation of events. Cant seem to settle downIs it this way for everyone else too? I wish there'll be a moment of peace, without hidden secrets, lies, neglect, pain, stress and foolish debauchery.The drama adds life and meaning. Without all these, I can expect things to be really mundane. But yet, I long for a moment I can settle down with friends and loved ones. I don't want to keep fighting so hard for everything. I hate being weak as I am now, lost and spiraling into a mess of problems. At this point, I cant even hold a steady relationship with anyone. Every relation around me is crumbling. Most importantly, I've lost it. Lost the intimacy with You. Hence the loss as life. I miss the way things were, courageous and strong. The fierce passion burning inside, shadowed by a longing for Your presence.I think it's the path I took. I left. Now's its the consequences, the guilt that holds me back. I don't know how to face You anymore. I miss You =l I'm sorry.Labels: God, thoughts
Chasing Cars
Saturday, July 9, 2011
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?
- Chasing Cars/Snow Patrol
Wonder how much one is willing to give up for love. Not the silly romance kind. I'm talking about times which will put you to the test. All you willing able to put down everything for the person you love? Put down your dreams, ambitions, and own activities you want to pursue. If so, how long would you do it? 10 minutes? 1 hour? 1 day? 1 week? 1 year? 10 years? A life time?I dare not say I will. It's a scary thing, to let go of a securedly plan future just to hold on to the people you love. And even then, love needs not be out of a romantic root. Affections, apply too. How much are you willing to lay down for your partner? For your friend? and maybe for your family?A lot. but its hard. One example that comes to mind is parents. Often we complain about how much we dislike of something our parent do about us. Maybe limit us, or perhaps stopping us from doing things. But maybe, just maybe we've forgotten all about them, and blindly taken their deeds and sacrifices for granted.We get to enjoy freedom to do the things we want. Yes, for some its only to a certain degree, but nonetheless most of us would have quite a fair bit of autonomy in our lives. Imagine having all your free time dedicated to working for an income. Dedicated not out of your own pleasure, but dedicated out of a will to sustain and comfortable life for the people around you. While us kids go out to enjoy our time, no matter what, we'll always have quite a few hours of free will, on the other hand parents have to go out to work, face endless tasks, endure annoying bosses or pompous customers. All for the sake of us. When they come back, they have to handle us (whatever little they might give to our liking) and take care of the household. All here we all complaining about a restricted life where our parents hope to do during their free time is just to have a break.Then again, maybe some of us would argue about not being able to pursue our dreams. And maybe we'll miss out on a good opportunity. I like to think that, our parents raised us (me) for 19 years. I'm sure my parents gave up many things they wanted to do, pursue their dreams, work on something special, personal time, catch up with friends. Through 19 years of life, much to my unknown, my parents have heartbreakingly put aside much of their ideals to take care of me, bring me up. Moms get confine to the household to look after the kids. Dads have to work harder to feed another mouth. You know, even if they are the not good as parents, to have shelter above my head, to have a bowl of rice on my table, to even have the free time to pursue my own things, all these doesnt come easy. We can always claim independence by getting a part time job, but that would never measure up to the amount parents would have to work. Our part time job only covers our own expenses. It doesnt cover all those miscellaneous expenses we actually cant afford. Maybe now that we've all grown up and can take care of ourselves, hey, they're free to pursue their dreams now right? Not really. We've grown up and we're all big now, but dont forget, our parents too have grown, old. In a society demanding excellence, there is little space for an adult in his 40's to 50's to truly pursue a dream. Changing job would be unlikely, and even developing a personal talent would be difficult. Compare trying to become a professional musician at 20's as to during your 40-/50's. Theres already no space, little time, and lesser plasticity in the 'easiness' to learn. Our parents gave up their youth for us. Have you ever wondered how much our parents envy our youth? I'm not sure about others, but I often hear my mom telling me how nice it would be if she were me, to have all my free time, to pursue new courses, to go overseas, to do mission work. But clearly, she wont be able to do much of that, being tied down with so much responsibilities. We like to pick and choose our responsibilities. Some of us are willing to throw things and give up. Put ourselves in their shoes. These aren't responsibilities we can just leave and forget about. Sometimes, its a daily thing. These are responsibilities, a family you cant just abandon. Or even then, can we really blame them, are they superhumans? They are only as human as us. Sometimes we children think we have the biggest problems in the world. And we throw tantrums. We dont want to do things. And then we get really unhappy if our parents did something that "failed" us. Really unfair isn't it? Parents, they have the same kind of problems as we do, I'm dead sure. But there's more, more responsibility as an adult.This is probably something we cannot understand, until we become a parent ourselves. A moment our parents humbly wait for that they might have our understanding. Children of the world, stop complaining, and thinking only for ourselves. Our parents may suck in some ways, but so do you, and in my opinion, for majority of the case, there is no way, we can out-give our parents. In deeds or in sacrifice. Never.
Learn to love, our parents need it too.Labels: love, memories, thoughts Seasons of Pain
Monday, July 4, 2011
This has been one of the most trying periods of my life. The pain haunts me everyday. And during the nights it becomes unbearable.Sometimes , I ask myself what I've done to get this. I try my best in all intentions not to hurt anybody. I strive for doing what's right with whatever I can. I give as much as my selfish mind would.
Was because I did wrong? Or maybe I wasn't good enough. Not good enough for anyone to care. Will there be any redemption?
Right now I wish I can crawl into a hole, escape all these pain. Been growing much more recluse, avoiding people and cut ties with every single friend. Never been in quite a state for really long already.I feel so tired, weak, and pathetic. I feel like I'm not good enough for anybody. I feel like no one loves me, for who I am, but rather what I can do for them or the wants that I have fulfilled. I feel like, no one's going to love me with my flaws, as much as they tell me someone would.I really want leave all these... and find my dad. I need someone to hold me, love me, and tell me I'm perfect just the way I am. There's so many people around me, yet none that I can turn to, none that I can fully rely on to breathe. I've never felt such loneliness before.It feels like I don't belong here. It feels like, no one would ever accept me. Yet there is no escape from reality. I'll just have to make up my own fantasy.it hurts. it really hurts so bad.
Labels: EMO, frenz, heart
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