Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.

For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?

Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude:
1. He/she loves you more than you do.
2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.

People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?

I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).

I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?

To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?

For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.

That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.

There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?

Labels: frenz, love, Me, thoughts

Had the privilege to help out for freshmen week as a senior SM. Having our last stint at HMS, the home we grew up in. Even though we didn't have much to do, it was kinda lovely, spending the time with fellow HMS people. Heading games with the freshies who probably will never see us a second time, and the rest with fellow senior SM's.

Even though they weren't the most ideal people I'd like to be with, having pissed me off a couple of times, their good sides still kinda made it worthwhile. Enjoyed the brotherhood of the guys, looking out for one another. The stupidest and wittiest jokes by each of us. Listening to occasionally horrendous yet amusingly soothing acapella at Bel's guitar each night. It's all the simple carefree moments that makes everything so magical, and I'm thankful for that.

A junior commented on how the senior SM's had such diverse personalities yet still come together to form a impactful group as such. I agree, damn right are we different. From all kinds of backgrounds, personalities, and mindsets, we're brought together for a purpose we enjoy and love; and we aren't afraid to show it all. After all, it's the differences that adds vibrance to the palette.


This marks the end of our HMS journey together, with the people and experience of this precious memory. We'll probably head different tracks wherever our dreams take us, but may each and everyone of you be greatly blessed!



More random pics~

Labels: camp, hms, life, memories

I love reading my collection of inspirations. Burst of nostalgia with all the memories it brings, and the events associated to each inspiration. I do think my old ones were much better though. I love the way it reminds me of the things I've learned, the experience feels so precious each time I read through them. Hope it'll be just as enriching when I look at it ten years later.



Here's the link (Nico_Thoughts) if anybody likes. May you be blessed like I had. Here's two of my best favourites.

"I believe people love us less than we expect but more than we realize."

"When you expect perfection, you'll see flaws. When you accept weakness, you'll see strength."

Labels: life, memories, thoughts

Things are amazingly getting better. it seems I'm facing less resistance from myself towards certain matters I've been trying to change. Somehow been able to get off my seat to clear my plates right after I'm done, but three times in a row, I'm able to get off immediately without delay. Washing too. Not sure what changed within the 10 odd years of old habits that spark this sudden ease, but hope it'll continue, but i'll be grateful for the boosted grace God has granted me and o make the fullest of it.



I secretly cheer for you my friend; may my little prayers give you strength.
Something draws me to your blog, reading on your thoughts and feelings, watching from the shadows are you brave through your struggles. Feel like cheering you on but it feels weird to. Still, I hope you'll become stronger as you overcome those obstacles. Keep going! =)

Labels: life

Been too long I'm stuck in this 'world'. When I glimpse out, I see all the things I could be doing, should be doing. But day after day, I confine myself to this escape. How long has it been...? Almost 8 years now, since I first got the computer. Ever since, I've been facing its screen for long hours, effortlessly accumulating more than 12 hours of straight usage. It's become a refuge for my loneliness, a container for these emotions and thoughts, numbing them with distractions.

I'm used to this lifestyle and I hate and want to get out of it. Been making a effort to play lesser games and engage in more productive behaviour, preferably getting out of the house. However, consciously been out of it means more vulnerability plagued by those emotions. The emptiness, the loneliness. Feels like a disease, eating you from the inside like leprosy

I'm tired of escaping. I want to live worthwhile. It's going to be a tough struggle, but I'll brave it.

Labels: life, thoughts

Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.

For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?

Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude:
1. He/she loves you more than you do.
2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.

People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?

I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).

I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?

To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?

For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.

That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.

There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?

Labels: frenz, love, Me, thoughts

Had the privilege to help out for freshmen week as a senior SM. Having our last stint at HMS, the home we grew up in. Even though we didn't have much to do, it was kinda lovely, spending the time with fellow HMS people. Heading games with the freshies who probably will never see us a second time, and the rest with fellow senior SM's.

Even though they weren't the most ideal people I'd like to be with, having pissed me off a couple of times, their good sides still kinda made it worthwhile. Enjoyed the brotherhood of the guys, looking out for one another. The stupidest and wittiest jokes by each of us. Listening to occasionally horrendous yet amusingly soothing acapella at Bel's guitar each night. It's all the simple carefree moments that makes everything so magical, and I'm thankful for that.

A junior commented on how the senior SM's had such diverse personalities yet still come together to form a impactful group as such. I agree, damn right are we different. From all kinds of backgrounds, personalities, and mindsets, we're brought together for a purpose we enjoy and love; and we aren't afraid to show it all. After all, it's the differences that adds vibrance to the palette.


This marks the end of our HMS journey together, with the people and experience of this precious memory. We'll probably head different tracks wherever our dreams take us, but may each and everyone of you be greatly blessed!



More random pics~

Labels: camp, hms, life, memories

I love reading my collection of inspirations. Burst of nostalgia with all the memories it brings, and the events associated to each inspiration. I do think my old ones were much better though. I love the way it reminds me of the things I've learned, the experience feels so precious each time I read through them. Hope it'll be just as enriching when I look at it ten years later.



Here's the link (Nico_Thoughts) if anybody likes. May you be blessed like I had. Here's two of my best favourites.

"I believe people love us less than we expect but more than we realize."

"When you expect perfection, you'll see flaws. When you accept weakness, you'll see strength."

Labels: life, memories, thoughts

Things are amazingly getting better. it seems I'm facing less resistance from myself towards certain matters I've been trying to change. Somehow been able to get off my seat to clear my plates right after I'm done, but three times in a row, I'm able to get off immediately without delay. Washing too. Not sure what changed within the 10 odd years of old habits that spark this sudden ease, but hope it'll continue, but i'll be grateful for the boosted grace God has granted me and o make the fullest of it.



I secretly cheer for you my friend; may my little prayers give you strength.
Something draws me to your blog, reading on your thoughts and feelings, watching from the shadows are you brave through your struggles. Feel like cheering you on but it feels weird to. Still, I hope you'll become stronger as you overcome those obstacles. Keep going! =)

Labels: life

Been too long I'm stuck in this 'world'. When I glimpse out, I see all the things I could be doing, should be doing. But day after day, I confine myself to this escape. How long has it been...? Almost 8 years now, since I first got the computer. Ever since, I've been facing its screen for long hours, effortlessly accumulating more than 12 hours of straight usage. It's become a refuge for my loneliness, a container for these emotions and thoughts, numbing them with distractions.

I'm used to this lifestyle and I hate and want to get out of it. Been making a effort to play lesser games and engage in more productive behaviour, preferably getting out of the house. However, consciously been out of it means more vulnerability plagued by those emotions. The emptiness, the loneliness. Feels like a disease, eating you from the inside like leprosy

I'm tired of escaping. I want to live worthwhile. It's going to be a tough struggle, but I'll brave it.

Labels: life, thoughts