While listening to covers of old songs, a wave of nostalgia hit me and suddenly I remembered the journal. When back to re-read to see what I was like back then. Could help but chuckle at myself. I really loved how I expressed my feelings and thoughts there. Simple, straightforward and kinda silly.
It's cute really, reading the entries, marking down the little things that made me smile, laugh, like being all excited/nervous when you talked to me. How I waited each night to talk to you, ready to put a smile on your face with the jokes I thought through the day. I must have worked really hard then, learning and trying all kinds of ways to strike up and maintain a conversation. Boy was I poor at social skills. And yes, my secret; exposed on numerous occasions yet I never having confront it myself. Felt contented with you around. And then came depression and separation, where my heart hurt a lil, of which I came out stronger, learning to let go of my affections and loving wholly.
It was beautiful, it was sweet, and I'm happy for such a memory.
Looking back, I've begin to see the locks I have placed on my heart along the way. No wonder it feels heavier. Hiding behind these glass walls, I've never truly allowed someone in my life for a long time. I really need to learn to open myself up to people around me, embrace life.
Here's a song to finish up that special feeling of nostalgia.
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them... the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone pray for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other?"
Note: this post is dated at 31 July, so new entries before my enlistment will be posted below! =D
So I was thinking I had a bit of time before my enlistment, that perhaps I could do something worthy of my time. Things I normally wouldn't do. Special actions. Challenges. And so, here's my bucket list of things I've set myself to do, and with each accomplishment I'll do a small write up for it! =D Feel free to suggest anything you'd think would be good for me to do!
Cut a new hairstyle
Make an epic nutella banana sandwich
Run in the rain
Finish a song sign project
Make my own song sign video!
Buy new clothes
Get my mom a gift(20th June)
Find a new blogskin
Cook a proper meal for myself
Reconcile with my brother
Travel to malaysia? (suggested by my mom)
Get a job
Camp out one night at ECP!
Buff up myself. 2000 push ups, 1 hour of planking, 200 pull ups, 200 leg lifts
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS
20th June: GET MY MOM A GIFT
BUFF MYSELF UP
Pushups 2000/30
Planking 00:00
Pull ups 200/0
Leg lifts 200/10
Everything That Made Childhood Precious
Friday, June 22, 2012
Back from camp! So thankful to have this opportunity to help out in this camp. Got to work with a new profile, primary school kids with dysfunctional family background.
Really had lots of fun moments, especially through the play, to think and feel like a kid again. That simplicity in fun we all forgot while growing up. All the crazy water fights, the silly things and bad decisions we make, the innocence, everything that made childhood so precious.
Our late nights outdoor cooking while the percussion rolls away their rhythmic beats kinda made me wonder how we all so easily live our lives been completely oblivious to ripples of our action to the presence of others around us. It is a simple practice session after all, yet at a late 2 hours before midnight where kids are already in bed, it did come sorta as a nuisance.
Another special thing there was the staff there. They inspired me with their passion, their sincerity, their care for everyone of these kids that many would deem hard to love. I really being around such people, it's rejuvenating when being in a field like that.
And since I'm not allowed to take pictures of the kids, I'll end with this really meaningful poster I saw.
Recently, whenever I board a double decker bus, I've take the top front seats whenever possible. Reminds me of my days as a kid, The front two seats were the best parts of the bus, period. Being just behind the screen, you could watch everything happening on the road. Those colourful cars, the pedestrians, the unobstructed view of scenery and landscape.
Growing up, I guess, made everyone a little more self conscious. We begin to think about how others might view us, as though our every action and words were scrutinized. As life progressed, we begin moving towards the back seats. We knew we would be safe, being able to watch others instead of being watched. Getting the very last row then became the best seats. We could do anything we wanted and no one would see, on the contrary, we could observe others and their behaviours. Maybe it gave us a sense of control, not. Our life being governed by fear itself.
As I make the random decision to take the front row seats again, I realize how I've missed the beauty around. No longer was there people or movement to distract me, neither having to busy my mind with futile worries of those behind. With so much less cumbersome thoughts, my eyes were more opened to true beauty around, with a heart of appreciation for it.
If life was a bus ride, where would you be seating?
I feel like running away, leaving everything behind for good.
I'm tired of being strong and keeping myself together. I wish I could be the one who's taken care of instead. I'd really like to be. But then I ask myself, "Why must everything be about me?" and I tell myself to keep it together for just bit more.
I'm reaching a bursting point in my life. Again and again, I feel the urge to be the complete screwed up mess and let loose. I'm so tired of fighting the monster within, suppressing it. A part of me cares, another part of me fears. Spotting the frequent outbursts to the people around, it only feels right if I keep myself away from others. I don't want to hurt or affect others. The other half that fears, I don't know what to do with it. I really desire to just be me, allow the other half of me to live. Flawed, crazy, messed up, immatured, aggressive. But will anyone stay?
I hate myself really, the person that I am. Whatever I do, it still traces back to that mess inside. No matter what I do, where I go, whoever I meet, I still am that selfish person. I want to escape this, run away from the whole mess that I am. So I don't have to suffer, and neither does anyone have to in my place.
What if, just what if, I stopped trying and let things be, how would life be?
It's like life became void of time. While the seconds tick away, my soul lingers in an ethereal space. I'm trying to find my way out, but the emptiness sucks me right back. Everyday I run from the loneliness by entering a state 'brainlessness'. So much I can do, and should do, yet never, remaining hooked on the numbing escape.
Anyway, this is meant to be a reflective entry. Been doing a lot of questioning, challenging my motives, my values, my goals. I think I'm way more selfish than I really am, or that maybe I do things merely to get good reports. I mean a person's true character is what's on the inside right, and when I look in I see someone who cares for himself more than others, someone self-centered and egoistic. Sacrifices made are ultimately to my benefit. When in times of other's need, I'm not fully, or sincerely there. And then I also do seemingly good things for self-glorification.
I wonder to myself, do I have love in me? Do I truly love anyone? Who exactly am am I doing this for? What kind of person am I really...?
Perfect is imperfect because imperfect is perfect.
The concept of perfection is ideal but flawed. It only takes one failure to ruin a perfect streak, and it will never have to chance to restore it's perfection. Yet, if we learn to turn away from these lofty expectations, truly embrace and allow the weaknesses and flaws of humanity, learn from it, do we gain the experience and insight to become better people.
It's a time of transition, a new phase. One of the many thing that worries me is friends. I love the social circle I have, CCA, class, HMS, and the many ity bits here and there. Moving into the new season means having to part with many of them as we all go towards our separate callings. Everyone of these souls have made a part of my life for 3 years, big or small, known or unknown. Sometimes I wish if it's possible to thank them all.
It's 2 months left before my enlistment. I'm scared in these 2 years, I'll lose contact with more people than I hoped. And I'll try my best to cherish whatever time I have with whoever I can spend it with. Put in more effort to pursue my friends. It has to be more than just needs, perhaps, simply for friendship itself.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
While listening to covers of old songs, a wave of nostalgia hit me and suddenly I remembered the journal. When back to re-read to see what I was like back then. Could help but chuckle at myself. I really loved how I expressed my feelings and thoughts there. Simple, straightforward and kinda silly.
It's cute really, reading the entries, marking down the little things that made me smile, laugh, like being all excited/nervous when you talked to me. How I waited each night to talk to you, ready to put a smile on your face with the jokes I thought through the day. I must have worked really hard then, learning and trying all kinds of ways to strike up and maintain a conversation. Boy was I poor at social skills. And yes, my secret; exposed on numerous occasions yet I never having confront it myself. Felt contented with you around. And then came depression and separation, where my heart hurt a lil, of which I came out stronger, learning to let go of my affections and loving wholly.
It was beautiful, it was sweet, and I'm happy for such a memory.
Looking back, I've begin to see the locks I have placed on my heart along the way. No wonder it feels heavier. Hiding behind these glass walls, I've never truly allowed someone in my life for a long time. I really need to learn to open myself up to people around me, embrace life.
Here's a song to finish up that special feeling of nostalgia.
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them... the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone pray for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other?"
Note: this post is dated at 31 July, so new entries before my enlistment will be posted below! =D
So I was thinking I had a bit of time before my enlistment, that perhaps I could do something worthy of my time. Things I normally wouldn't do. Special actions. Challenges. And so, here's my bucket list of things I've set myself to do, and with each accomplishment I'll do a small write up for it! =D Feel free to suggest anything you'd think would be good for me to do!
Cut a new hairstyle
Make an epic nutella banana sandwich
Run in the rain
Finish a song sign project
Make my own song sign video!
Buy new clothes
Get my mom a gift(20th June)
Find a new blogskin
Cook a proper meal for myself
Reconcile with my brother
Travel to malaysia? (suggested by my mom)
Get a job
Camp out one night at ECP!
Buff up myself. 2000 push ups, 1 hour of planking, 200 pull ups, 200 leg lifts
MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS
20th June: GET MY MOM A GIFT
BUFF MYSELF UP
Pushups 2000/30
Planking 00:00
Pull ups 200/0
Leg lifts 200/10
Everything That Made Childhood Precious
Friday, June 22, 2012
Back from camp! So thankful to have this opportunity to help out in this camp. Got to work with a new profile, primary school kids with dysfunctional family background.
Really had lots of fun moments, especially through the play, to think and feel like a kid again. That simplicity in fun we all forgot while growing up. All the crazy water fights, the silly things and bad decisions we make, the innocence, everything that made childhood so precious.
Our late nights outdoor cooking while the percussion rolls away their rhythmic beats kinda made me wonder how we all so easily live our lives been completely oblivious to ripples of our action to the presence of others around us. It is a simple practice session after all, yet at a late 2 hours before midnight where kids are already in bed, it did come sorta as a nuisance.
Another special thing there was the staff there. They inspired me with their passion, their sincerity, their care for everyone of these kids that many would deem hard to love. I really being around such people, it's rejuvenating when being in a field like that.
And since I'm not allowed to take pictures of the kids, I'll end with this really meaningful poster I saw.
Recently, whenever I board a double decker bus, I've take the top front seats whenever possible. Reminds me of my days as a kid, The front two seats were the best parts of the bus, period. Being just behind the screen, you could watch everything happening on the road. Those colourful cars, the pedestrians, the unobstructed view of scenery and landscape.
Growing up, I guess, made everyone a little more self conscious. We begin to think about how others might view us, as though our every action and words were scrutinized. As life progressed, we begin moving towards the back seats. We knew we would be safe, being able to watch others instead of being watched. Getting the very last row then became the best seats. We could do anything we wanted and no one would see, on the contrary, we could observe others and their behaviours. Maybe it gave us a sense of control, not. Our life being governed by fear itself.
As I make the random decision to take the front row seats again, I realize how I've missed the beauty around. No longer was there people or movement to distract me, neither having to busy my mind with futile worries of those behind. With so much less cumbersome thoughts, my eyes were more opened to true beauty around, with a heart of appreciation for it.
If life was a bus ride, where would you be seating?
I feel like running away, leaving everything behind for good.
I'm tired of being strong and keeping myself together. I wish I could be the one who's taken care of instead. I'd really like to be. But then I ask myself, "Why must everything be about me?" and I tell myself to keep it together for just bit more.
I'm reaching a bursting point in my life. Again and again, I feel the urge to be the complete screwed up mess and let loose. I'm so tired of fighting the monster within, suppressing it. A part of me cares, another part of me fears. Spotting the frequent outbursts to the people around, it only feels right if I keep myself away from others. I don't want to hurt or affect others. The other half that fears, I don't know what to do with it. I really desire to just be me, allow the other half of me to live. Flawed, crazy, messed up, immatured, aggressive. But will anyone stay?
I hate myself really, the person that I am. Whatever I do, it still traces back to that mess inside. No matter what I do, where I go, whoever I meet, I still am that selfish person. I want to escape this, run away from the whole mess that I am. So I don't have to suffer, and neither does anyone have to in my place.
What if, just what if, I stopped trying and let things be, how would life be?
It's like life became void of time. While the seconds tick away, my soul lingers in an ethereal space. I'm trying to find my way out, but the emptiness sucks me right back. Everyday I run from the loneliness by entering a state 'brainlessness'. So much I can do, and should do, yet never, remaining hooked on the numbing escape.
Anyway, this is meant to be a reflective entry. Been doing a lot of questioning, challenging my motives, my values, my goals. I think I'm way more selfish than I really am, or that maybe I do things merely to get good reports. I mean a person's true character is what's on the inside right, and when I look in I see someone who cares for himself more than others, someone self-centered and egoistic. Sacrifices made are ultimately to my benefit. When in times of other's need, I'm not fully, or sincerely there. And then I also do seemingly good things for self-glorification.
I wonder to myself, do I have love in me? Do I truly love anyone? Who exactly am am I doing this for? What kind of person am I really...?
Perfect is imperfect because imperfect is perfect.
The concept of perfection is ideal but flawed. It only takes one failure to ruin a perfect streak, and it will never have to chance to restore it's perfection. Yet, if we learn to turn away from these lofty expectations, truly embrace and allow the weaknesses and flaws of humanity, learn from it, do we gain the experience and insight to become better people.
It's a time of transition, a new phase. One of the many thing that worries me is friends. I love the social circle I have, CCA, class, HMS, and the many ity bits here and there. Moving into the new season means having to part with many of them as we all go towards our separate callings. Everyone of these souls have made a part of my life for 3 years, big or small, known or unknown. Sometimes I wish if it's possible to thank them all.
It's 2 months left before my enlistment. I'm scared in these 2 years, I'll lose contact with more people than I hoped. And I'll try my best to cherish whatever time I have with whoever I can spend it with. Put in more effort to pursue my friends. It has to be more than just needs, perhaps, simply for friendship itself.
Darren Nico Pillai