Childish acts, random noises, squatting on the chair, making funny actions, talking to myself, being ultra random, living in my own world, making stupid faces. lols. Yea, I'm sure most people around me have seen me do one of these mentioned few.
Wonder what goes on their mind? I'm someone fun? simple? immatured?
Cos I think I kinda enjoy being immatured. This way, people whom already hav a impression that I'm immatured or someone who's delayed in mental development won't pressure me so much. Kinda like I'll be free from expectations? I don't need to constantly fit myself into an image of being smart, responsible, thinking, and everything that comes with growing up. I can do the things I want, and be "grown up" as and when I like to.
It's nice to be free from all these stereotypes. And in the end, I can get to do anything stupid and silly that I want, since people already have that so-called readiness that I'm up to something not-so-mature-ish lols. And lastly, I get to be creative and do things just as a child would, to be able to explore their world freely without limitations. Adulthood brings so much unnecessary potential limiting boundaries that comes with the false requirement of a misconceived perception of the meaning "matured"
Maturity isn't correlated with age. It's about living life in a certain way, and I kinda think it's all up in the head. We have really matured young kids, able to put others before themselves, and on the other hand can have absolutely immatured late teens who only care about what they want.
Haha, but yeap. I like the quote from facebook I think, "I may be childish, but at least I'm having more fun than you"
I'm proud to be childish ^^
On a really nice and sweet note... here's something soothing and awww~
A friend asked me about relationships stuff and I kinda didn't wanted to go on about my whole long list of why's knowing how many people would refute my reasons but bah, couldn't help it.
Ok aside from my everything, I wanna focus more on myself first.
Myself as in, one of the reasons why I don't want to get into a relationship, or have people like me is cause I'm screwed up. Screwed up in a sense that I carry a heck lot of unseen problems and issues with me, quite a lot I don't even where to start. And mostly what people see of is just an exterior I learn to put up to be more adaptive. I wonder how many people see me as ok, cos overall, I think I'm not ok, I just try to be =l It's not exactly a facade but a temporal good front while I try manage these issues. It's like, how much of who you like me as, is really me? You just haven't seen the deeper parts.
Eh, basically, I'm predicting that anyone with me, in my current state aint gonna have a good time. And at least if it would to be in relationship, one important thing I really want is of course for the other party to be happy, and if I know I'm unable to give that then I'm shouldn't be bringing hurts to others.
And heh, many would say of how everyone has their own issues bla bla bla but heeeh. I know my well enough to know my own mechanism as to how I'll react what I'll do and like in my own personal way of how seriously screwed up I am inside. One evident way is how I dun have too many close friends, friends in a way that I don't have much of proper friendships with anyone and mostly they stay casual, I don't know if that's a norm, but I don't want to bring such dynamics into a real relationship. That would be just dreadful.
Well, something from my friend sparked of an interesting thought.
We are incomplete by ourselves, and we will need others to help us be complete. As much as we want to try fix all our problems on our own, we cant. It is through the love of others that help us get that. And in [true] love, there is no suffering. Hardships are counted naught for the sake of love, and well, suffering doesn't really exist then.
Pretty true heh? I doubt if I really wanna focus on "fixing", I'll ever accomplish it myself. Maybe I do have to open my heart for that support. Haha, of course I dream of having the support I wish I could get, how awesome it'll be to have someone by my side having to help me with all my issues. Heh, but I cant be sponging off others just to become better. Heh, How much of the love that support will be relied on that "person"s love instead of love on its own support. Meaning if that person is gone, my support is gone too? and everything crumbles.
BUT. I still have yet utmost request. Ha, of high standards. Lolz, no I don't set high standards cos I think I want someone good for me but heh, more for like themselves. I'll need unconditional love, or maybe my other half needs that. Cos truly, if it's just an expectant love, please be prepared to get hurt over and over again as long as you can take it. My personality and dynamics is a hard one to get along with, and unless you are able to see pass everything, understand my difficulties, heh, then perhaps you wouldn't get hurt like most would. =l
I dunno. Treat it as a self-esteem issue, but I really feel that, there is so much of me that is so to... love and be loved. Not only is it hard to get in, its hard to get out as well. Heh. So should I open up meself a bit? What if people get hurt? O.O Anyway, naaaah, still aint gonna get into one, there's still so much more it...
Once gone, never back. We all as humans live our lives with somewhere inside us knowing that at a certain time, we'll be gone for good. When we do not know. Where to, that is another question we scarcely dare fathom. But it being something we all must go thru, we dread it. I think, once your duty and purpose is accomplished, it will be time.
Death of friends' relatives. Kinda how scary it's getting near. Even one in the family has been diagnosed with possible cancer, and now we're doing all we can to make her happy. I don't know what I'll ever do if I'll be the only one waking up that early that day, feeling her cold hard flesh. I don't even want to imagine.
But it's kinda funny isn't it. How we, ungrateful souls, never fail to under-value something before we lose it, only to realize how much meaning it had in our life, how great a part it played. Be it an item, a friend, a special someone, or sadly, perhaps a family member. Maybe we all have to learn it the hard way.
Death is no stranger to me. I watched as it came to claim the souls, ripping the mortality off the body and sending it's spirit to its fate. I even had my own personal encounter with it; just a single breath away. But no, it has no victory of me. Two times it came, two times it failed. Glorious deaths they died. And my deepest thanks from the hidden parts of my spirit to Thee above.
But heh, it makes me wonder sometimes. What would happened if I had to see it once more? Kinda struck me for a moment, and I sent out a random text saying "I love you" to my loved ones. You see, we human always tend to take the essence of time for granted, oh no no, I can do that another time, not now... Say sorry later, forgive later, later later later.
Regrets. One of the most terrible feelings in the book of mankind. Especially them unfulfilled ones. Can you imagine the agony, that if tomorrow, your parents have their last breathe by their last sleep. Never mind the financials and stuff. Just take a quick thought about all the things we would have done otherwise had we known this tragedy would befall us.
The things we would have done, words we would say or hadn't say. Maybe wished we were a bit more giving, a bit more patient instead of blowing up. Wish we let them know how much we actually loved them behind the facade of aloofness. How we want a second chance, just a minute to clear up all our mistakes.
But no. Death is final. No matter how much you'd pray, how many sins you atone for, the irreversible effect will never change. What's left is all the regrets we have. Why cant we just lived more properly. I dun really have a clue why though.
But thus, death holds great power. Life even beyond death, has great influence. Cries of mourning, facades into dust, opening of the walls. Must we let death torment us in such ways? We are fail to see how everything has two sides. What might be good can be turned for evil, and what might be evil can be turned into good. One shapes his destiny.
With a fear of one's death, we shouldn't be hiding in a dark corner filled with cowardice, rather, converting it into positive motivation for living life to the fullest. Hold back nothing, smiling always, giving compliments, loving freely, bearing no grudges.
What if today was our last day on earth? Yea. Live like there's no tomorrow. Live to the fullest.
P.S I love you. I don't know how to. Please don't die. I don't want you to go.
so much work, and actually ample time but heh with so much of procrastination, end up everything gets done at the last minute.
Today I kinda got my group screwed by overshooting the presentation time by more than 15 minutes. Twice our given time. Hais. I forgot about time and talked quite slowly, and even before half of our presentation was done, the beep is ringing away already =,=
Haaaaiissss. And there's still so much work to do, I think I actually can get them all done in one short but somehow I feel so dam unmotivated. "Just do it" isnt working for me :l my willpower is like hovering slightly over 0... Some how I always feel so amped up to do something but when I really get to it, I lose all appeal.
And heh, I still dun have that standard for writing essays or projects, I lack that part of just making everything indepth and nice =(
Oh sheesh, it's gonna be back to school again. The time passes so fast there's hardly a break for anything. No time to do the things I want and everyday ever since the start of week 2 of the semester has been an endless chased for deadlines.
Random stuff to cheer about before the mayhem starts.
WAHAHAHA I wore only a jacket to school on friday xD I thought i would be there for a short while so maybe kinda tried something daring for once haha. Told lies to whomever that ask if I was wearing anything inside. Said I wore a singlet. HAHA But not bad, doesnt really feel any difference aside from the zip pressing down on my skin. Oh, and I kept playing with the zip, unzipping and zipping till I realize i wasn't wearing and shirt so I shouldn't be flashing meself xD
Eh, had PCS day on saturday. went out to collect old jeans for donation. Didn't dare speak to the housekeepers at first, tried a couple until one of the helpers had t help out with another group. Heh, wasnt too hard. Kept avoiding the chinese residences cos I couldnt speak well LOL. kept stuttering xD Kinda fun to mix with some of the year 1's another.
It really makes me dam envious to see them so bonded. Compared to my class... Hais :/ I wished things could be better for us.
and heh, had a crazy sleep on saturday. Slept from 7 to 10 =,=. Nope, this isn't my shortest record. It's my longest sleep, or hibernation. 7pm to 10am. O.o Came back home after the soup spoon dinner/lunch with zikang and tiongkiat and decided to take a nap. I never woke up from that nap that day :/ Haha, slept all the way through til 3.30 morning when I grabbed a burger my thoughtful bro gave me. Had 2 cups of cold water, and off to bed again. Darn when I woke up from hibernation, i felt as though I've been missing from the world for quite some time
Owells, this week should hopefully be the last week where all the stress is. I don't even want to get started on how many things I have to do.
And lastly, I'm tired of all the hoohaa of life. Stupid temporal stuff. All I want to do is just go some where (hopefully with someone nice) do nothing, and just chill. Find some peace for my soul. Hais. But want also dun have time, and I have no idea where would be good. and I'm afriad of being alone...
I need some serenity.
Fantasies and daydreams~
Walking To Paradise
I'm standing there, with my shawl draped across my face, staring across the horizon. It's been a long time since I saw life, something more than the earthly sight of plain, endless, beige sea. Surrounding me are infinite hills of sand dunes, mimicking the waves of a torrential sea storm. My hands are withered by the constant contact with the hot sand, my skin polished smooth by the breezes filled with the hot desert sand. The only things I have are the pair of footprints that follow my trail, slowly to be forgotten as they are blown away. By dawn, I'm led by instincts and memories, by dusk, I peer upon the night sky, the mystical belt of Orion as my guide. A chilly wind blows from the back. The sun is setting. Tonight, I'll be resting here, in the middle of a barren land till the black shroud lifts from my eyes.
It all seem as though like a dream. Like a garden, full of flora and beauty, fruits of every kind. To the right, a little stream by the tree that bore those fruits of savoury sweet taste. The leaves stretched far out over the canopy, providing shade for the undergrowth. That land of paradise, I briefly could recall. When I closed my eyes and listened closely to the song of the garden, I could feel you, your presence covering the place. A place of haven, no striving, no conflicts, just an indescribable peace and serenity that filled my heart. Having communion with you, resting in your arms.
I can hear the scuttling of salamanders across the sands. It's back to my lonely walk. The footprints of yesterday are gone. I'm don't know which direction to go, but I'm used to facing that choice every time I wake up. A short stroll chances upon a tent. Mirages, I term them. A place where everything seems to be of wine and merry. The good laughter, toasts, and feasting. All is good for a well, and suddenly, with a magical snap, everything disappears. I'm left alone, lost, with my insides emptier than ever. I've gotta used to them. Sometimes, I don't even bother and carry on. Other times, the deep desire of companionship draws me towards their spells, falling for the lure, only to be emptier.
No, I'm not lost. I know where I'm going. I searching for that place, the one in my dreams. I just don't know where. Each day I choose a direction to walk. I wonder how many times I have tread this path already. This timeless walk. I'm exhausted, I'm lonely, I'm tired of this wilderness. Won't you take me home to be with you. I just want to rest, never ever having to worry or fear anything.
Yea, that ends week 12 of school term. 2 assignments due this week, 2 last, and 2 more to go the next week. The chase of deadlines seems to be never ending, assignment after assignment, having to revisit that stupid SafeAssign every other week. At least one week is over. It's been a eventful week, but life seems to be repeating its same cycle over and over again. Slack. Chiong. Regret. Repeat.
Well, at least on the aspect of life, I'm growing. Beset with problems and new challenges each day, as the dynamics of human interaction coupled with the constant formulation of theories in my mind merge in a cocktail of thoughts and new understandings.
So much has happened, and there's still so much more to do. I wish there can be a pause button in life, where I can just nua some corner of life, dun think, dun do anything and jus idle away till I'm refreshed.
Anyway, haha, love seeing how two of my friends are becoming a couple. Dam cute I tell you. awww~ HAHA, they always got this super duper cute and shy dumb silly way of doing things xD
Quite an eye opener too though. Finally for the first time I really get to see two of my friends develop a relationship past the boundaries of friendship. It seems so fanciful, so whimsical, like some magical fairy tale. hahax. =)
Hmm... I've been somewhat resolving much within the inner parts of me. Be it friendship, where I'm going against my defense mechanism, my instincts and what my heart is telling me. To go ahead and push thru the hurts and past experiences, to believe that, yes, somewhere out there, there is a hope, a truth, a real love that will be found, in a form of
I like my new status:
being a fool for a great friend. Cos I treasure you too much. I am ignoring what my heart tells me and choosing to believe in you instead.
And a really encouraging reply from a friend (surprisingly):
I think this is much more of a strength than weakness though. To love knowing you'll hurt, it's much harder than just turning away. And it takes much courage for one to be this 'fool'.
^^, And though time is short, I will choose to cherish that which is present I need to make full use of.
I also kinda wish life can be more than just observing. I wished I had the skill to make a change. Sometimes, I feel so unwanted, so useless, so pathetic. Seeing how I resort to lowly means to boost my esteem, engaging to annoying and childish senseless behaviour =l
What if I had the power to do more than just sit around and contemplate and my weaknesses and lack of skill. After all, I'm only a weak soul deep down with mystical strength to perform miracles. But this I shall be then. If I have to face the dust with this self, then I gladly do so, with a heartbreaking denial of myself. All I have in my dreams is to make a significant change in this world, to the individual lives around me. To know that, without me, things would have been different. I'm sure my existence causes a rift in this world, but I desire more. Fantasies will die, and dreams reborned. I will make good, even if I have to drain every drip of blood in this heart of mine.
Sometimes, I wish life could be a dream. Sometimes, I wish dreams could become life.
Just to let ya all know. I'm fine. I really am ._.
Kinda weird how in the span of 2 days so much things can happen.
Night 1:
Kena counselled by my friend about some stuff I'm doing wrongly, and upon self realization that I've kinda been pretty selfish...
Explanation on my actions to help understand myself and for others to see =l
Day 2:
Aims to change and stop me selfish ways.
Afternoon 2: Kena "whacked" for my first reason for fearing to open up, trust and hurts...
Evening 2: Kena "whacked" for seccond reason for fearing to open up, not wanting to hurt others.
Night 2: Major major emo
Midnight 2: Recovery
Day 3: As per normal
Heh, kinda fast and like whoosh, some much happened in just a short period of time. But owells, thanks for all the concern. I'll continue trying to improve myself. And yea, its thru all the hurts that i gain the experience for future reference =)
Hehex~
Thanks for that timeout ._. Just felt uncomfortable receiving it right from your face ._. I have my shy sides too =P
omg. I think I just screw up again. Shit I didn't mean it really. *bangs head* argh crap. shit. I think, I really ought to stay away from people. Why is this issue suddenly haunting me so badly.
Woots... in a somehow co-incidental flow of my post. all 3 posts in a row are related, one with and example of each point concerning my doing with friendship.
Before this was on the issue of me closing up due to the fear of intimacy and hurt. Now's its on closing up due to not wanting to hurt others. I aint doing a good enough job.
So it happens always. After the birth of a new frenship, things get a little chirpy, and soon after they die. It always reaches a level before it stagnates and die.
But, I know it, and that's why I haven't any intentions of making new friends. That's the whole issue about me closing up for the 2nd reason. Things always follow the same pattern, and kinda, people getting hurt by me.
I just wanna avoid people so that I wont hurt them with all my stupid antics and defense mechanism. Cos I have no idea how to fix myself, I need to keep away from people then. There's gonna be a shitload of people shooting me for negative thinking of me thinking of myself as a sucky fren but yeaaaa, I cant help but feel so every time I see someone fall becos of me. Seeing people feel bad about things partially due to how I cant keep up the frenship.
Heh, but every once in a while, a certain somebody crosses my path to open me up in a small way. And I hop on to that to try find my way out of this mess I'm in, maybe that I can find some resolution? I mean it as a platform where I can try learn how to be a friend, without any malice of manipulation.
Heh, but after one screw up after another, I think I need to just stop trying? I dun understand. for both reasons I choose to close up, things continue to reinforce this instinct to close up to people, even when I am trying my best to not do things wrongly or try believing.
Hais. And yes, once again, I have proven myself to be complete social failure.
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Heh you. I haven't the intentions of hurting you. I had to admit, I first started out the friendship in a selfish manner. Just extracting out of you what I needed. But after one of the early incidents, I realized I shudn't be doing it, and I really change my perspective of this new budding friendship. I did things as a friend and not for myself. But I really didn't know how to go about doing things, I really have no idea about all this friendship thing. I mean, I have never called you a friend, I was afraid that of the possibility that if I let you get too close to me, you might be another victim of my failed friendships. I always had that pending thought of doom that you might become one of the rest, someone I nv talk to anymore after the friendship stagnate. But I really was hoping that maybe, with such a conducive environment, I had a higher chance of having a successful friendship being made.
I tried being more confident in myself. Initiating more conversations, trying to not let my fear bog me down. It was good, things progressed a bit. And I really enjoyed my time with ya, having our random moments and knowing that at least you're smiling over some weird shit I say (which I still dunno why its funny). And that maybe I could leave some positive impact on you. But of cos, I was still afraid that things might fail somehow. It always had... But yups, my fault.
And then the bomb came. I had a friend came to talk to me about some stuff I've been doing wrongly. I realized my folly and decided to change. I realized how selfish I was. To all my friends. And to you as well. I questioned every action I did for you. Was it out of selfishness or with a sincere intention of being a friend. I admit once again, I started out mostly for my own benefits, of having that company to talk to, but like I said, after a certain incident, I knew my wrong and changed my ways. But on the safe side, I shall under estimate my rights, and consider most of my ways selfish. But I was kinda happy that at least in comparison, you were more on the higher end of me being not selfish. In fact, while writing my post about realizing the wrong way i've been treating friendship, I wrote one portion with you in mind. -"But I'd like to credit myself that, for the times I'm being a good or nice fella, I really am doing things out of a good heart"- I wanted to let you know through that paragraph, that yes, I have been a sucker as a friend, but much of what has been between us, was really genuine and of no malice.
On the night I found out, I wanted to approach you. I wanted to ask you, what would you see of me being such a fren? What if our friendship was built on the chance that I was using you. However, you were kinda asleep by then (with your terrible sleeping habits).
But I guess it's too late? Things have screwed up once again. Emotions riled, and disappointments sets in again. You, maybe for having trusted in me, and myself, for being such a complete failure at friendship.
As for now, I really don't know if I should proceed on. Maybe this one-shot blow now is good, so that at least you face only a small fraction of hurt of what might be in the future. When things turn bad, I never want to let anyone go, you in this case... but maybe I shouldn't be so selfish as to have you go through the pain of my incompetency of being a friend just because I want to have a friendship. But your disappointment, it is my duty to clear up . I cannot let you bear a grudge that ought not to have exist, even if you never wanted to speak to me ever again, it would be better off that we ended this on a better note. I really hope you understand. And I'm sorry for hurting you. I never ever wanted it this way. I hope these may clear up your wound if possible. I'm really sorry... and... perhaps...goodbye...
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Maybe Im too selfish. Maybe even my 2nd reason for closing up isn't valid. I mean, if we look at things in another view, it could also be said i'm selfishly using others to try 'learn' how to be a friend. But those who I learn with, are all victims of my failures, then it wouldn't be fair to them that I'm hurting them in the process as well?
Hais, I'm feeling like some big time sucker and a failure. JM, I hope now you can understand why I always feel myself as a shitty friend. You shudn't defend me at all. It's really my fault. I dunno what you see in me, or maybe that you do not see in me, but, after so many failed relationships, there is only one constant, ME. Where's else would the problem lie, ya tell me. (Dun spam my tagboard again pls)
This is amazing. One night before, I'm being told that I'm doing things wrongly. I acknowledge it validating my with two points, one of which I hope would been more "noble", and set myself to change. Just one day in and I'm being slapped in the face twice for both reasons to why I close up. Or maybe wrongfully open up. What is this all about? A sign to prove me I'm wrong, even for the "noble" reason of it? Does this mean, I should quit believing, or trying, and just close up for good, thus hurting none at all? I don't know, what if I'm gonna live my whole life like that, I can't go around hurting everyone around me can I?
I should seriously just go die. Or at least die socially. Nothing I ever do is right, and everything ends up with some innocent party getting hurt because of my incompetence. I. should. just. be. solidarity. reclused. whatever shit. I need to be alone. I'm a bane to society... I'm not cut out for this whole friends thing, maybe I'm not meant for any, nor to be one...
and ok luh huh. For the good of everyone. I'll just give myself one more chance alrite. If somehow something crops up again, I take it as a confirmation of what I need to do. Hais, after being in touch with the social world once again, it'll be a bit difficult for me to shift back into my corner, but I hope ya all bear with me as I try my best to get there. Yups, sorries.
First day of trying to correct my ways and shit happens.
My secrets. I didn't quite want to share them, but I was hoping to have someone to confide to. Halfway through I keep it vague so that you get the idea what I was doing, but without the details cos that meant revealing the more sensitive parts of me.
You know the feeling when you wonder if you should kinda show that side of you that prolly isn't so nice. I thought over it for a moment. All the thoughts of how all the things that happened before. How I revealed the inner side to me only to be left there empty handed. How I got myself hurt every time I opened too much.
Well, I had a good mind to stop there. Letting you know the secret exterior was enough for me. You probed on, telling me to just say, just say, just say. Shit man, I really didn't wanted. I was expecting the same thing to happened to me just as it happened with you before. I didn't want to go thru the pain again.
And so with the aim of trying to be better at all this friendship thing, I trusted. I grit my teeth, go against everything my instincts told me, and I believed you again. I revealed/confided/told you the things I was doing wrong, and the bad stuffs I just came to realization that I was doing. Yup... I bared my heart to you once again, despite the pain, trust issues, defense mechanism and what my guts were warning me about.
But hey. Guess what? It's still happening again. After all the shit that I reveal to you, when I ask the same, what do I get? "Oh nothing", "I don't know", "I can't remember" and all the shit you give me. Even when you have the things I need/want to know, you never do bother to tell me, perhaps you don't see the point to. Even if it's nothing significant, can you at least provide me an axplanation instead of leaving me without an answer. You ask me for everything and I tell you, cant you at the very least do the same? You never do reciprocated with any openness nor trueness, you even f***ing tell lies to me, I don't know if I ever trust you again. What if this whole friendship was a sham.
But seriously, here you are probing and telling me to trust you. And when I f***ing do, nothing's reciprocated. Trusted you again and this happens. Why do you keep doing this to me... wtf. Please understand, Im not after some warm cuddly response but for you to share a mutual openness to me. You expect me and want me to tell you things that are hidden in my heart, and you bloody hell cant do the same for me? What the shit do you want me to do. Here you are abusing my trust over and over again, and each time I keep pushing myself to trust you as a friend. I mean perhaps you don't truly remember, but what I wonder... what have you really done to make it fair to me, or make it up to me. I mean you want me to reveal this dark things in me, surely I ought to have some compensation? I dunno, maybe I'm being screwed up here. Maybe I ought to shut my mouth up.
In case, you're all confused, trust here's represent that hope that you wont hurt me. I'm not discounting that it definitely would happen, but I just hope you wouldn't do something to hurt me in some major way. So what people. Back to my previous post. I dun just close up suddenly but a built up over all this multitudes of constant hurts resulting in mistrust, and its even happening now. I close up due to the fear of these hurts. But when I make an effort to believe, I open up and try to believe, all this shit happens. Seriously. So what am I supposed to do? Close up and be a crappy friend? Or open up and get myself hurt by all your actions. I am beginning to doubt if all these "truths" that you say are real. I somehow see more truth in my lies, I'm so confused. Does anyone even understand the dilemma I'm facing?
Duh. How many of you all will to try at least sympathize or see the difficulties that I face, or immediately rate me off as screwed. I'm not asking of sympathy here. I'm just asking that if you dun know what others are going through, it'll be much appreciated that you stop judging. Dam you judgmental people. You all are screwed up shit, you dun even see the difficulties people face before having the assumption that they are some screwed up peeps. Sometimes I can no longer differentiate whether I'm really facing problems or that I'm screwed up. Thanks suckers. =,=
Friendship. Someone told me that I'm making things too complicated. But hey, I really wnat to see friendship as some simple thing. Like hey, just make friends and let things happen. But I wish it was that easy. This whole thing about friendship is just so hard to work out. Simple things like this, so who's wrong is it? My fault for trying to trust my best friend? Or perhaps his flaw of not being open? sometimes I just wanna shut myself off from the world, stay in solitude, and just be to myself. This way, I can't get hurt, neither will I hurt anyone with my stupid antics. But heeeh, I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just quit this whole thing about friendship? Hais... I gave up on the world long time ago and I'm just guarding myself against it now, dun blame me for closing up, if you wanna be that friend, prove it, and I'm sorry, you'll have to work hard to earn my trust, cause it ain't coming easy.
I don't understand. I know I'm facing problems internally about friendship, but here I am trying to change and yet it still happens? If I live in lies, it hurts. I face the truth, it hurts even more. I have so many questions in my head. What's wrong? Me? Them? Bad luck? I acknowledge that I might be doing things wrong but when I make them right, things still never turn out as they say. I hate myself for living in lies. I hate myself more when I try to believe what they say are true, and suddenly, all my lies become truths.
and you're another one too. want to know so much about me, yet there's no reciprocity. You demand rules, but you dun abide by them. Your uncooperative-ness is a thin line from abuse. You better not step on my toes, I'm warning you. >=/ One fine day I blow up, it isn't gonna be too nice for you trust me. My trust isn't a toy to mess with.
I just finished a chat with a friend whom I last expected would be counseling me in such a manner. I haven't had anyone talk to me in such a manner and I quite appreciate it. Finally some feedback I get after all the asking around getting "dunno"s for an answer.
There's a whole lot of points to it, but I'll take out those which I can put my mind to. First off was when she asked me why I do push people away.
Ha, I think I'll limit my first post on it. And yes, a disclaimer that I know some of it might be faulty thinking but yea, I'm just stating both sides of my mind alright. Dun come bomb the shit outta me please.
Pushing people away. That's some I knew I was doing deep inside. There was a reason why my relationships could never developed beyond a certain limit before it starts to crumble. I always held this wall against people, preventing them from reaching to me. Playing intimacy games by opening and closing my doors, or sometimes, in a weird twist, making people come through a closed door.
I have two reasons to this, but I first present a short history. I grew up as a kid, treated unfairly, and given a harsh perception of being unwanted or without use for. A constant hurt that pierced me whenever someone did something to destroy my esteem. I never know if it was just an illusion by somehow, I grew up feeling that I was never wanted. Well or it could be that I unfortunately met people who really treated me that way, or a false belief that kept me in bondage.
Back to my reasons. Primarily, I engage in all these intimacy games subconsciously. I make friends with someone, trying to develop it, only to 'run' away and block out someone. I kinda fear people? I fear the intimacy of others. I fear losing that intimacy if it was real. And I fear letting myself get hurt again.
It gets so bad that it becomes a selfish desire. I open up to people whom I feel I can gain something. Be it your attention, your time, your listening ear, your knowledge and stuff. And then I close right back up when I'm done with it. I also close up to protect myself, and to somehow see who are the ones that actually try to break thru these defenses. Maybe I'm being way too tough on everyone, demanding only the ideal being to be let through, that none can penetrate this hard shield even if they wished to.
As for my second reason, I'm fully aware of this scheme of my mind, and I know its wrong. And feeling all helpless about it, instead of trying to overcome, I take the avoidant approach. I try to apply self-containment. Closing my self up so that I wouldn't hurt people by playing intimacy games with them. For the reason why I don't want to get close to people, so that I wont be able to draw away from them, and thus, there wouldn't even be an flux of friendship interaction that way. But, yet my inner self desires that companionship and I yet open up myself to others, closing again whenever I feel afraid to hurt them.
But I'd like to credit myself that, for the times I'm being a good or nice fella, I really am doing things out of a good heart. Just that whenever the fear kicks in I go into recluse again. Thus becoming some sort of nice-ish but cold person to some. =| I hope you wont see me as either, but just some ordinary guy whom your lucky chances upon of being nice to =P
So. Point 1, I'm not actually changing. Point 2, I fear hurting myself, so protect myself in a way that indirectly hurts others. And then to cope with it, I protect myself from having to hurt others and still end up hurting others. Make frens wrong, dun make frens also wrong.
And then I'm sure they will be that bunch who's gonna judge me for what I'm writing now. But seriously, how many of you are in the same dilemma as I am. They will be that bunch that accuse me for being emo, thinking too much, being screwed up, being way too hardcore about friends, some bad shit fella. Ba... why do you all do this man.
All I want and hope is that I can stop myself from the way I'm doing things. Without all those fears, and that I can stop toying with people's friendship. Come to think of it, I'm quite a selfish guy eh? So do I have to learn how to trust others wholeheartedly? To the one that I do, there I find my doubts increasingly challenging me as to whether I ought to continue trusting. My gut instincts tell me I shouldn't, but I am. Hurting sucks.
Now I present what my friend continued:
"thats what u think... you think you are doing them a favour by pushing them away thinking you actually know whats good for them. But in reality... you are insulting them...leaving with them a feeling that nobody's ever good enough for you. you are making judgments based on what you think is right. but oh..we are sooooo blinded. how do we know whats best for people and then determine their 'fate' for them when sometimes we don't even know ourselves??"
Well, I do think I'm pushing them away as a favour (reason 2). I mean, it's better if I kept them away instead of hurting them over and over again rite? As for leaving them with a feeling that no one's good enough, I dunno if people feel that way, but I gotta admit, I think quite lowly of others, or that my expectations are way too high, cos I sincerely do feel that no one will be that special one for me. I think everyone has their own lives, why would they be nice enough to stay and wait for me to open my doors. But then again, seriously, how the hell would I ever know the feelings of others if everyone keeps it in. I'm sure there are people that are concerned for me, but if you all don't make it known, I, a really insensitive blockhead, will not feel a thing either. And then of course I'm left to my own assumptions to work things out. So how am I to differentiate those who are concern but not making it known and those people who seriously dun give a damn about me. I'll just block everyone wholesale then, wont I?
But yea, despite all this, it kinda makes me realize how selfish I am... It's as though I'm manipulating everyone around me to satisfy my own needs and pleasures. Those selfish people I detest, it turns out I'm actually one of them myself... Doing everything for my own good only actually... Heh, what have I become...
But, to all those who are my friends, or call me your friend. Would you stop befriending me if our friendship was built upon my own manipulation, using you to get from you what I wanted? If I was actually a pretty crappy guy inside? Would you wait for me, to try settle this thing inside me, for the day I can finally and wholly call you my friend as well and be a real one to ya? This is the reason why I always call myself a bad friend, because most of the times, I'm just not being one...
My mistakes are grave and great... I'm sorry to y'all =l I'll try my best to change! =]
P.S. Eh, on a random thought. Would be nice to know all those who are actually looking out for me. =P A positive self-esteem thought, I'm sure I have a few peeps out there who cares for me, yea? :D Thanks you all~
those times when you know aren’t being the best but you just wished someone would look beyond all the badness, the outward appearances, to see and understand weaker and helpless side of you hidden inside, without judging, nor turning away like what everyone else have.
sometimes, we give up waiting. We give up hoping that someone special unlike the rest, would reach his hand into that abyss, and pull us out. We stop believing. We give up on ourselves. We lay waste our mind and body to the schemes and defenses that keep us trapped in our agony. We become worse, succumbing to the fate of a lone child, needs unmet, helpless and yearning.
A need for love, for tender affections. A need to feel belonged, a place of security. A need to be recognized, for our existence to be acknowledge and valued. The innate drives within us, that unconsciously draws us out to search for the satisfying and fulfilling of this emptiness. We search, in the motherland, in hostile grounds, we even feed ourselves to the dog that we might taste that evanescent goodness, even if it lasts a few seconds, we willingly trade our lives for that.
Leaning by the corner of a wall, writing about my dreams and fantasies.
I wonder what's a fairytale like? Maybe I've been watching too mane movies or reminiscing from novels I read when I was little kid. This they call, something that exists in almost every story.
Its like this something that's missing inside of me. This void I cant seem to fill, no matter how I try. I think I have the answers to it, but I don't think its meant to be. It's happened all around me. I've seen it. It's even happening now, and seeing it happen before my eyes is so heartwrenching.
When's mine I wonder. Do I get a chance at it? I wished I know the thoughts of others. I wanna know my value. No, I'm not thinking I'm lousy, it's just that I wonder, do fairytales like these exists. Surely there ought to be some basis. A lie cant exists if there is no truth to lie about.
But what are the chances? I've been through it 3 times, and none of which made into reality. 5 months after you left my memories, my heart has been wandering in the wilderness. Is there really a bliss that's exists? Or perhaps it's merely some story that's made up to bluff the world.
At times, all I see is just a world of darkness, and I'm sitting there alone, a splotligh shining down on me, and all that surrounds me is black empty space.
Every soul my path crosses has me questioning, what if? A little tingly feeling, a adrenaline rush, we been through them all. Even if I found one, how would it ever be possible for things to be that way. Everything's merely an illusion.
Everyone. All them all. I'm playing with chances, toying with lives, gambling with fantasies...
Alrites man, today was a chiongster day having to finish up my WIC and Specom essay, was so dam worried. I often leave things to the last minute but I never experienced having to complete two essays in the same day but owells things were pretty good =D
Finished my wic term paper at 12.30 with 3.2k words. Record sia HAHA and optimal word count should be 2k but teacher let us have how much we want so HAHA like that lor Specom essay was just a random bomb of words, had my momentum going so yea, finished that pretty quick as well.
Anyway, more quick updates on me thoughts,
It's kinda cute seeing two of my friends developing a mutual liking for each other xD silly lovebirds~
I still wonder how the dynamics of relationships works. Love has a great power to change dynamics completely. And since I cant be in one, I have to learn from others. =l
Someone complimented me for being different. Made my day plenty plenty ^^ positively different also HAHA YAAAAY *high*
I wonder if I am actually doing things wrongly. I had been observing the dynamics of a certain someone analysing and stuff and sometimes I wonder if I'm actually making the same mistakes?
This week isn't gonna be any better with about 5 assignments to complete...
I think my condition should be stabilizing =D Havent been doing much screw ups recently ^^
I really need to sleep, my eyebags are majorly awesome, they look like makeup
Still aiming to be a better fella
Wondering if I'm truly as people think I am, or might it be a facade that even fools myself
Some of my behaviour has changed drastically for the worse, I'm disgusted at myself
Glad that I can at least put a smile on someone's face, sometimes, it makes a world of difference
Teaching my hiclub class of 31 people is no easy feat. Planning a formation makes it even tougher
I think I have neglected the one closest to me despite wanting to help others. Need to cherish him more.
I wish he could open up his world to me, sometimes I have no idea where I should probe and whether or not I ought to. =l Sorry, buddy
French is kinda fun but dam tough to learn. Je m'appelle Nico ^^ Et vous?
I friggin need a haircut, my hair is so dam long and irritating I touch it at least a hundred times each day =(
I'm writing this form the middle of the night because I feel so distracted from doing my work. Wasting precious time =l
Anyways, today is the final performance of the three and boy was its nerve wrecking. We were the only performers at the HMS award ceremony and eeks, all eyes were on us to put on a good show for the closing finale. And sheesh, so many familiar faces, its darn freaky.
Well, I kinda screwed up my first part which was kinda sad, but overall I think we did a relaly really great performance. I'd like to credit myself for the effort and the whole make-up of the practice of the performance. I think at least with my perfectionism and over-high standards I really managed to push the performing standards of this show much much higher. Of cos with the help of fellow team mates and their dedication ^^
I'd like to feel that I made history. Since so long has there been a (hiclub) performance of high quality. I think our formation wasn't that too fantastic, but for synchronization, I think we really hit it =D Would be lovely to think that next time in the future, people will look back and say "Hey, remember the performance done by Darren's group, that was one of the best performance ever in Hi Club". History makers. With effort and perseverance, I've made mine.
Haha, but I secretly hope that people can affirm me >.< Feeling kinda happy for the achievement yet sad because I'm not sure if anyone appreciates it. Owells. Am surrendering those feelings. At least I know I've done my best =)
will link the vid when its up ^^
AND SIA LUH
We perform for HMS award ceremony. See everyone getting awards for best this best that. I feel so inspired to work hard so that maybe one day, I too can be amongst the top =D
Well well well, I have dawned upon some new inspiration and acceptance of myself. Me being annoying. =)
Ha, I'm sure most people that know me have at least once have gotten annoyed the shit out by me. In fact, I dun think I have ever failed to not annoy somehow. But over the time as I go about doing my whole deviance and self acceptance thing, I have come to enjoy and liked even the flawed side of my annoyingness and it being a part of me and who I am.
History first, I started off as a super seriously annoying kid doing all sorts of irritating stuff to get people pissed. It was kinda out to get attention which I lacked quite a lot. And well, being annoying isn't a very good way of recieving positive attention, but well it does work. I believe I would be one of the most difficult kids back then, a horror to caregivers and friends.
It was until I lost my best friend in the process of my misbehaviour. I mean wow, I practically annoyed the shit out of best buddy so much he had it and just broke the friendship with me. Well it wasn't really his fault, I mean I really was a terror back then and having to tolerate me and be my friend for years was something he surpassed others in. But well, I had to learn my lesson the hard way.
Since then, I always had a fear, a fear that I will annoy others so much they would leave me as well, maybe hate me. And from then I never fully opened up to others cause I didn't want them to feel unhappy. I feared the rejection that others might give and closed myself inwards, becoming quite an introvert. And that being so, I was especially sensitive to negative comments about me being irritating or a nuisance. If I ever heard something like that, I would have totally break down inside instantly.
But moving forward to the present, I have come to realized this part of who I am, not that I should stay an annoying brat always but, somehow, I feel that as I accept this now "annoying" part of me, I begin to present it in a more well... genuine way with lesser motives of pure attention seeking behaviour. And the people around me have accepted me for who I am as well.
A few things sparked off a memory from a anime show, Clannad. I find myself relating to one of the characters, Sunohara. He's kinda like some really annoying guy in this show with his randomness and weird antics. But as unlikable as he is, he is still part of the clique and group of people, and in some way, his annoying behaviour is part of the whole group together as one. He's part of them, the way he is.
As I ponder over my doings, I find that I somehow develop a somewhat love-hate relationship with many people in a away that goes "Argh I haaaate you~" with yet an affectionate feeling with it. Somehow, that which I have yet to understand, is that well, this part of me being terribly "annoying" has become a part of their lives, and thru either making them positively and laughably pissed off at me, it would be something missing if I never existed. Perhaps this "annoyingness" in me brings out a thing in them which well, I dunno, does something good for them =P If you do know, please do let me know how I have made a difference to you small or big hahax.
But yea, I think its a wonderful and meaningful lesson, coming to accept and embrace part of me which I have avoided for ever so long. It's like having part of me restored, and my esteem raised. Haha, perhaps it really is true? When one is congruous with himself, things will really be quite well and nice ^^ At least, now I no longer hate and think myself to be an annoyance to others =]Oh and thanks to the people around for accepting me for who I am, both the good and the bad, it means a lot to me, and I believe to many others around also ^^
Hmm, I've been thinking about this recently. My life in Poly, a step into the social world again. Meeting peers of my age and study and common interest. Even share a passion with many awesome people around me.
Time is short. My time in poly has been really really awesome. From trying out new things, having psychological debates, laughing over crazy stuff, planning mind games, analyzing people, finding a best friend, helping random souls, collecting a heck lot of CCA points, meeting new people, going out with friends, doing absolutely stupid and senseless things, being retarded, creating scandals, talking lame stuff, chionging projects, emoing over others, joining in camps as a camper and GL, waking up late, making fun about teachers, and so much much more.
Shit man, just thinking of all these makes me miss the past already. I wanna go back to 1 year ago. I wanna relive all these memories. I don't want my poly years to end. I don't want all this to go. But nvm, I must learn how to cherish what I have.
1 and a half years. I still have much I can do. I wanna make more friends, and hopefully leave something meaningful in their lives. I wanna change the world. I wanna become a better person. I wanna make life more meaningful.
Haha, and suddenly I thought, what if I made my present so great that it might hurt for me to reminiscent about it later in the future. =P
But nonetheless,
Don't cry because it's over; Rejoice because it happened. ^^
Well well well. It's my 2nd performance for the project =D 3rd one's coming up this wednesday.
Recently, been super busy trying to head a hiclub performance team to sign "Change A Heart, Change The World" for three separate events. 2 charity events and 1 school award ceremony. woah, lucky the school award one's the last, so we have ample time to build up the momentum and standard.
Hah, it's been my goal this year to improve on song signing and really focusing more on expressions and good gesturing. So since I'm given this opportunity (which i kinda rejected at first), I decided to make dreams become reality.
Firstly, me being a hardcore perfectionist. I aimed for our performance to be of really high standards. kinda like a dance performance. But haha, I doubt ours can reach that standard because song signing requires more expression and complex micro movements. But yeaps. I pushed on. Trying my best to break the boundaries. I wasn't satisfied with our normal standard.
I pressed on, being as anal as I can, nitpicking every small mistake. I felt discourage sometimes, seeing that some of them didn't seem to like the way I was doing things, but with some words of encouragement, hehe, I held on to my dreams =)
Shalln't go to much into how much turmoil and stress I gave myself during this period. I'm really really glad that thru all my pushing and perfecting of moves, we've got breakthrough and have our higher standards and quality of group song signing. We even have a blind practice where everyone closed their eyes and signed and even managed pretty good synchro :D
I hope that this song sign team will take pride of the high standards we have achieve through all the hard work and time. I'm proud of y'all. But let's not stop here. Together, we will reach for the stars!
Haha, I know the previous post was dam emo but yea, was just some spiral of emo thoughts. but. nonetheless. I thought about something.
I've been searching for one since eons ago. I had my ideals, I had my hopes, I had that tiny little wish for it to come true. I wasn't searching for money, fame, or attention. I was hoping deep down, for a companion. A partner, a bestie, a good friend, whichever.
Being shunned by the world time and time over again, due to my quite unlikable nature, which many have not experienced, I closed up my heart from within, being naturally open, yet never letting anyone touch even the out skirts of heart's walls.
Being fearful of the possible hurt of having one grow near to me only to leave me when he/she finds me hard to be with. I unconsciously play an intimacy game with everyone near me, testing if they were reliable and trustable for me to allow deeper.
Anyways, despite having that one and only one issue with you, which I know you have your reasons for, I never quite realized the person you are to me. It was through the times of reflection that I realized how great a friend you were.
You knew me and understood my inner self. You accepted and allowed me to be who I am, moulding me along to become someone better. You shared psychological and philosophical debates over matters like there was no tomorrow. Your proximity found me at my deep thoughts which no other could reach. You become my best friend in my eyes.
Deep inside, my heart wouldn't dare treat you as one. Not knowing my value in your eyes, I dare not bare everything to you in fear of me being a burden. I was afraid I would be a nuisance to you, just as many out there before. But over the times, our relationship grew closer. And closer.
I never once thought of me being your best friend, perhaps just some friend fun to be with. But ever since yesterday, while a tear rolled down from each eye, I thought back about many things we done together. Now, I say this with much trepidation and anxiety... What if maybe, you saw me as a best friend? or maybe a good friend? I dare not fathom the answer.
But truly, what you've done for me has been one of the greatest thing anyone has done in my life and when I look at the end of 3 years, I hope poly never ends. I don't wanna lose you as a friend. I never had any friend truer than you.
What if that which I've been searching for all along in my heart, was right here before me eyes? It's like a dream come true, or maybe, too good to be true. I'm afraid to believe that you will be a best friend (in mutual context) I dare not even hold imaginations about it.
I dunno, I really dont know, I cannot bring myself to have the slightest imagination that I would be valued by you as a best friend. The irony of having a heart's wish come true, and yet dare not believe it is really is meant to be.
Are we really meant to be friends? Good friends? Best friends? Because if we are, I promise, I'll give my all and everything to you.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Childish acts, random noises, squatting on the chair, making funny actions, talking to myself, being ultra random, living in my own world, making stupid faces. lols. Yea, I'm sure most people around me have seen me do one of these mentioned few.
Wonder what goes on their mind? I'm someone fun? simple? immatured?
Cos I think I kinda enjoy being immatured. This way, people whom already hav a impression that I'm immatured or someone who's delayed in mental development won't pressure me so much. Kinda like I'll be free from expectations? I don't need to constantly fit myself into an image of being smart, responsible, thinking, and everything that comes with growing up. I can do the things I want, and be "grown up" as and when I like to.
It's nice to be free from all these stereotypes. And in the end, I can get to do anything stupid and silly that I want, since people already have that so-called readiness that I'm up to something not-so-mature-ish lols. And lastly, I get to be creative and do things just as a child would, to be able to explore their world freely without limitations. Adulthood brings so much unnecessary potential limiting boundaries that comes with the false requirement of a misconceived perception of the meaning "matured"
Maturity isn't correlated with age. It's about living life in a certain way, and I kinda think it's all up in the head. We have really matured young kids, able to put others before themselves, and on the other hand can have absolutely immatured late teens who only care about what they want.
Haha, but yeap. I like the quote from facebook I think, "I may be childish, but at least I'm having more fun than you"
I'm proud to be childish ^^
On a really nice and sweet note... here's something soothing and awww~
A friend asked me about relationships stuff and I kinda didn't wanted to go on about my whole long list of why's knowing how many people would refute my reasons but bah, couldn't help it.
Ok aside from my everything, I wanna focus more on myself first.
Myself as in, one of the reasons why I don't want to get into a relationship, or have people like me is cause I'm screwed up. Screwed up in a sense that I carry a heck lot of unseen problems and issues with me, quite a lot I don't even where to start. And mostly what people see of is just an exterior I learn to put up to be more adaptive. I wonder how many people see me as ok, cos overall, I think I'm not ok, I just try to be =l It's not exactly a facade but a temporal good front while I try manage these issues. It's like, how much of who you like me as, is really me? You just haven't seen the deeper parts.
Eh, basically, I'm predicting that anyone with me, in my current state aint gonna have a good time. And at least if it would to be in relationship, one important thing I really want is of course for the other party to be happy, and if I know I'm unable to give that then I'm shouldn't be bringing hurts to others.
And heh, many would say of how everyone has their own issues bla bla bla but heeeh. I know my well enough to know my own mechanism as to how I'll react what I'll do and like in my own personal way of how seriously screwed up I am inside. One evident way is how I dun have too many close friends, friends in a way that I don't have much of proper friendships with anyone and mostly they stay casual, I don't know if that's a norm, but I don't want to bring such dynamics into a real relationship. That would be just dreadful.
Well, something from my friend sparked of an interesting thought.
We are incomplete by ourselves, and we will need others to help us be complete. As much as we want to try fix all our problems on our own, we cant. It is through the love of others that help us get that. And in [true] love, there is no suffering. Hardships are counted naught for the sake of love, and well, suffering doesn't really exist then.
Pretty true heh? I doubt if I really wanna focus on "fixing", I'll ever accomplish it myself. Maybe I do have to open my heart for that support. Haha, of course I dream of having the support I wish I could get, how awesome it'll be to have someone by my side having to help me with all my issues. Heh, but I cant be sponging off others just to become better. Heh, How much of the love that support will be relied on that "person"s love instead of love on its own support. Meaning if that person is gone, my support is gone too? and everything crumbles.
BUT. I still have yet utmost request. Ha, of high standards. Lolz, no I don't set high standards cos I think I want someone good for me but heh, more for like themselves. I'll need unconditional love, or maybe my other half needs that. Cos truly, if it's just an expectant love, please be prepared to get hurt over and over again as long as you can take it. My personality and dynamics is a hard one to get along with, and unless you are able to see pass everything, understand my difficulties, heh, then perhaps you wouldn't get hurt like most would. =l
I dunno. Treat it as a self-esteem issue, but I really feel that, there is so much of me that is so to... love and be loved. Not only is it hard to get in, its hard to get out as well. Heh. So should I open up meself a bit? What if people get hurt? O.O Anyway, naaaah, still aint gonna get into one, there's still so much more it...
Once gone, never back. We all as humans live our lives with somewhere inside us knowing that at a certain time, we'll be gone for good. When we do not know. Where to, that is another question we scarcely dare fathom. But it being something we all must go thru, we dread it. I think, once your duty and purpose is accomplished, it will be time.
Death of friends' relatives. Kinda how scary it's getting near. Even one in the family has been diagnosed with possible cancer, and now we're doing all we can to make her happy. I don't know what I'll ever do if I'll be the only one waking up that early that day, feeling her cold hard flesh. I don't even want to imagine.
But it's kinda funny isn't it. How we, ungrateful souls, never fail to under-value something before we lose it, only to realize how much meaning it had in our life, how great a part it played. Be it an item, a friend, a special someone, or sadly, perhaps a family member. Maybe we all have to learn it the hard way.
Death is no stranger to me. I watched as it came to claim the souls, ripping the mortality off the body and sending it's spirit to its fate. I even had my own personal encounter with it; just a single breath away. But no, it has no victory of me. Two times it came, two times it failed. Glorious deaths they died. And my deepest thanks from the hidden parts of my spirit to Thee above.
But heh, it makes me wonder sometimes. What would happened if I had to see it once more? Kinda struck me for a moment, and I sent out a random text saying "I love you" to my loved ones. You see, we human always tend to take the essence of time for granted, oh no no, I can do that another time, not now... Say sorry later, forgive later, later later later.
Regrets. One of the most terrible feelings in the book of mankind. Especially them unfulfilled ones. Can you imagine the agony, that if tomorrow, your parents have their last breathe by their last sleep. Never mind the financials and stuff. Just take a quick thought about all the things we would have done otherwise had we known this tragedy would befall us.
The things we would have done, words we would say or hadn't say. Maybe wished we were a bit more giving, a bit more patient instead of blowing up. Wish we let them know how much we actually loved them behind the facade of aloofness. How we want a second chance, just a minute to clear up all our mistakes.
But no. Death is final. No matter how much you'd pray, how many sins you atone for, the irreversible effect will never change. What's left is all the regrets we have. Why cant we just lived more properly. I dun really have a clue why though.
But thus, death holds great power. Life even beyond death, has great influence. Cries of mourning, facades into dust, opening of the walls. Must we let death torment us in such ways? We are fail to see how everything has two sides. What might be good can be turned for evil, and what might be evil can be turned into good. One shapes his destiny.
With a fear of one's death, we shouldn't be hiding in a dark corner filled with cowardice, rather, converting it into positive motivation for living life to the fullest. Hold back nothing, smiling always, giving compliments, loving freely, bearing no grudges.
What if today was our last day on earth? Yea. Live like there's no tomorrow. Live to the fullest.
P.S I love you. I don't know how to. Please don't die. I don't want you to go.
so much work, and actually ample time but heh with so much of procrastination, end up everything gets done at the last minute.
Today I kinda got my group screwed by overshooting the presentation time by more than 15 minutes. Twice our given time. Hais. I forgot about time and talked quite slowly, and even before half of our presentation was done, the beep is ringing away already =,=
Haaaaiissss. And there's still so much work to do, I think I actually can get them all done in one short but somehow I feel so dam unmotivated. "Just do it" isnt working for me :l my willpower is like hovering slightly over 0... Some how I always feel so amped up to do something but when I really get to it, I lose all appeal.
And heh, I still dun have that standard for writing essays or projects, I lack that part of just making everything indepth and nice =(
Oh sheesh, it's gonna be back to school again. The time passes so fast there's hardly a break for anything. No time to do the things I want and everyday ever since the start of week 2 of the semester has been an endless chased for deadlines.
Random stuff to cheer about before the mayhem starts.
WAHAHAHA I wore only a jacket to school on friday xD I thought i would be there for a short while so maybe kinda tried something daring for once haha. Told lies to whomever that ask if I was wearing anything inside. Said I wore a singlet. HAHA But not bad, doesnt really feel any difference aside from the zip pressing down on my skin. Oh, and I kept playing with the zip, unzipping and zipping till I realize i wasn't wearing and shirt so I shouldn't be flashing meself xD
Eh, had PCS day on saturday. went out to collect old jeans for donation. Didn't dare speak to the housekeepers at first, tried a couple until one of the helpers had t help out with another group. Heh, wasnt too hard. Kept avoiding the chinese residences cos I couldnt speak well LOL. kept stuttering xD Kinda fun to mix with some of the year 1's another.
It really makes me dam envious to see them so bonded. Compared to my class... Hais :/ I wished things could be better for us.
and heh, had a crazy sleep on saturday. Slept from 7 to 10 =,=. Nope, this isn't my shortest record. It's my longest sleep, or hibernation. 7pm to 10am. O.o Came back home after the soup spoon dinner/lunch with zikang and tiongkiat and decided to take a nap. I never woke up from that nap that day :/ Haha, slept all the way through til 3.30 morning when I grabbed a burger my thoughtful bro gave me. Had 2 cups of cold water, and off to bed again. Darn when I woke up from hibernation, i felt as though I've been missing from the world for quite some time
Owells, this week should hopefully be the last week where all the stress is. I don't even want to get started on how many things I have to do.
And lastly, I'm tired of all the hoohaa of life. Stupid temporal stuff. All I want to do is just go some where (hopefully with someone nice) do nothing, and just chill. Find some peace for my soul. Hais. But want also dun have time, and I have no idea where would be good. and I'm afriad of being alone...
I need some serenity.
Fantasies and daydreams~
Walking To Paradise
I'm standing there, with my shawl draped across my face, staring across the horizon. It's been a long time since I saw life, something more than the earthly sight of plain, endless, beige sea. Surrounding me are infinite hills of sand dunes, mimicking the waves of a torrential sea storm. My hands are withered by the constant contact with the hot sand, my skin polished smooth by the breezes filled with the hot desert sand. The only things I have are the pair of footprints that follow my trail, slowly to be forgotten as they are blown away. By dawn, I'm led by instincts and memories, by dusk, I peer upon the night sky, the mystical belt of Orion as my guide. A chilly wind blows from the back. The sun is setting. Tonight, I'll be resting here, in the middle of a barren land till the black shroud lifts from my eyes.
It all seem as though like a dream. Like a garden, full of flora and beauty, fruits of every kind. To the right, a little stream by the tree that bore those fruits of savoury sweet taste. The leaves stretched far out over the canopy, providing shade for the undergrowth. That land of paradise, I briefly could recall. When I closed my eyes and listened closely to the song of the garden, I could feel you, your presence covering the place. A place of haven, no striving, no conflicts, just an indescribable peace and serenity that filled my heart. Having communion with you, resting in your arms.
I can hear the scuttling of salamanders across the sands. It's back to my lonely walk. The footprints of yesterday are gone. I'm don't know which direction to go, but I'm used to facing that choice every time I wake up. A short stroll chances upon a tent. Mirages, I term them. A place where everything seems to be of wine and merry. The good laughter, toasts, and feasting. All is good for a well, and suddenly, with a magical snap, everything disappears. I'm left alone, lost, with my insides emptier than ever. I've gotta used to them. Sometimes, I don't even bother and carry on. Other times, the deep desire of companionship draws me towards their spells, falling for the lure, only to be emptier.
No, I'm not lost. I know where I'm going. I searching for that place, the one in my dreams. I just don't know where. Each day I choose a direction to walk. I wonder how many times I have tread this path already. This timeless walk. I'm exhausted, I'm lonely, I'm tired of this wilderness. Won't you take me home to be with you. I just want to rest, never ever having to worry or fear anything.
Yea, that ends week 12 of school term. 2 assignments due this week, 2 last, and 2 more to go the next week. The chase of deadlines seems to be never ending, assignment after assignment, having to revisit that stupid SafeAssign every other week. At least one week is over. It's been a eventful week, but life seems to be repeating its same cycle over and over again. Slack. Chiong. Regret. Repeat.
Well, at least on the aspect of life, I'm growing. Beset with problems and new challenges each day, as the dynamics of human interaction coupled with the constant formulation of theories in my mind merge in a cocktail of thoughts and new understandings.
So much has happened, and there's still so much more to do. I wish there can be a pause button in life, where I can just nua some corner of life, dun think, dun do anything and jus idle away till I'm refreshed.
Anyway, haha, love seeing how two of my friends are becoming a couple. Dam cute I tell you. awww~ HAHA, they always got this super duper cute and shy dumb silly way of doing things xD
Quite an eye opener too though. Finally for the first time I really get to see two of my friends develop a relationship past the boundaries of friendship. It seems so fanciful, so whimsical, like some magical fairy tale. hahax. =)
Hmm... I've been somewhat resolving much within the inner parts of me. Be it friendship, where I'm going against my defense mechanism, my instincts and what my heart is telling me. To go ahead and push thru the hurts and past experiences, to believe that, yes, somewhere out there, there is a hope, a truth, a real love that will be found, in a form of
I like my new status:
being a fool for a great friend. Cos I treasure you too much. I am ignoring what my heart tells me and choosing to believe in you instead.
And a really encouraging reply from a friend (surprisingly):
I think this is much more of a strength than weakness though. To love knowing you'll hurt, it's much harder than just turning away. And it takes much courage for one to be this 'fool'.
^^, And though time is short, I will choose to cherish that which is present I need to make full use of.
I also kinda wish life can be more than just observing. I wished I had the skill to make a change. Sometimes, I feel so unwanted, so useless, so pathetic. Seeing how I resort to lowly means to boost my esteem, engaging to annoying and childish senseless behaviour =l
What if I had the power to do more than just sit around and contemplate and my weaknesses and lack of skill. After all, I'm only a weak soul deep down with mystical strength to perform miracles. But this I shall be then. If I have to face the dust with this self, then I gladly do so, with a heartbreaking denial of myself. All I have in my dreams is to make a significant change in this world, to the individual lives around me. To know that, without me, things would have been different. I'm sure my existence causes a rift in this world, but I desire more. Fantasies will die, and dreams reborned. I will make good, even if I have to drain every drip of blood in this heart of mine.
Sometimes, I wish life could be a dream. Sometimes, I wish dreams could become life.
Just to let ya all know. I'm fine. I really am ._.
Kinda weird how in the span of 2 days so much things can happen.
Night 1:
Kena counselled by my friend about some stuff I'm doing wrongly, and upon self realization that I've kinda been pretty selfish...
Explanation on my actions to help understand myself and for others to see =l
Day 2:
Aims to change and stop me selfish ways.
Afternoon 2: Kena "whacked" for my first reason for fearing to open up, trust and hurts...
Evening 2: Kena "whacked" for seccond reason for fearing to open up, not wanting to hurt others.
Night 2: Major major emo
Midnight 2: Recovery
Day 3: As per normal
Heh, kinda fast and like whoosh, some much happened in just a short period of time. But owells, thanks for all the concern. I'll continue trying to improve myself. And yea, its thru all the hurts that i gain the experience for future reference =)
Hehex~
Thanks for that timeout ._. Just felt uncomfortable receiving it right from your face ._. I have my shy sides too =P
omg. I think I just screw up again. Shit I didn't mean it really. *bangs head* argh crap. shit. I think, I really ought to stay away from people. Why is this issue suddenly haunting me so badly.
Woots... in a somehow co-incidental flow of my post. all 3 posts in a row are related, one with and example of each point concerning my doing with friendship.
Before this was on the issue of me closing up due to the fear of intimacy and hurt. Now's its on closing up due to not wanting to hurt others. I aint doing a good enough job.
So it happens always. After the birth of a new frenship, things get a little chirpy, and soon after they die. It always reaches a level before it stagnates and die.
But, I know it, and that's why I haven't any intentions of making new friends. That's the whole issue about me closing up for the 2nd reason. Things always follow the same pattern, and kinda, people getting hurt by me.
I just wanna avoid people so that I wont hurt them with all my stupid antics and defense mechanism. Cos I have no idea how to fix myself, I need to keep away from people then. There's gonna be a shitload of people shooting me for negative thinking of me thinking of myself as a sucky fren but yeaaaa, I cant help but feel so every time I see someone fall becos of me. Seeing people feel bad about things partially due to how I cant keep up the frenship.
Heh, but every once in a while, a certain somebody crosses my path to open me up in a small way. And I hop on to that to try find my way out of this mess I'm in, maybe that I can find some resolution? I mean it as a platform where I can try learn how to be a friend, without any malice of manipulation.
Heh, but after one screw up after another, I think I need to just stop trying? I dun understand. for both reasons I choose to close up, things continue to reinforce this instinct to close up to people, even when I am trying my best to not do things wrongly or try believing.
Hais. And yes, once again, I have proven myself to be complete social failure.
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Heh you. I haven't the intentions of hurting you. I had to admit, I first started out the friendship in a selfish manner. Just extracting out of you what I needed. But after one of the early incidents, I realized I shudn't be doing it, and I really change my perspective of this new budding friendship. I did things as a friend and not for myself. But I really didn't know how to go about doing things, I really have no idea about all this friendship thing. I mean, I have never called you a friend, I was afraid that of the possibility that if I let you get too close to me, you might be another victim of my failed friendships. I always had that pending thought of doom that you might become one of the rest, someone I nv talk to anymore after the friendship stagnate. But I really was hoping that maybe, with such a conducive environment, I had a higher chance of having a successful friendship being made.
I tried being more confident in myself. Initiating more conversations, trying to not let my fear bog me down. It was good, things progressed a bit. And I really enjoyed my time with ya, having our random moments and knowing that at least you're smiling over some weird shit I say (which I still dunno why its funny). And that maybe I could leave some positive impact on you. But of cos, I was still afraid that things might fail somehow. It always had... But yups, my fault.
And then the bomb came. I had a friend came to talk to me about some stuff I've been doing wrongly. I realized my folly and decided to change. I realized how selfish I was. To all my friends. And to you as well. I questioned every action I did for you. Was it out of selfishness or with a sincere intention of being a friend. I admit once again, I started out mostly for my own benefits, of having that company to talk to, but like I said, after a certain incident, I knew my wrong and changed my ways. But on the safe side, I shall under estimate my rights, and consider most of my ways selfish. But I was kinda happy that at least in comparison, you were more on the higher end of me being not selfish. In fact, while writing my post about realizing the wrong way i've been treating friendship, I wrote one portion with you in mind. -"But I'd like to credit myself that, for the times I'm being a good or nice fella, I really am doing things out of a good heart"- I wanted to let you know through that paragraph, that yes, I have been a sucker as a friend, but much of what has been between us, was really genuine and of no malice.
On the night I found out, I wanted to approach you. I wanted to ask you, what would you see of me being such a fren? What if our friendship was built on the chance that I was using you. However, you were kinda asleep by then (with your terrible sleeping habits).
But I guess it's too late? Things have screwed up once again. Emotions riled, and disappointments sets in again. You, maybe for having trusted in me, and myself, for being such a complete failure at friendship.
As for now, I really don't know if I should proceed on. Maybe this one-shot blow now is good, so that at least you face only a small fraction of hurt of what might be in the future. When things turn bad, I never want to let anyone go, you in this case... but maybe I shouldn't be so selfish as to have you go through the pain of my incompetency of being a friend just because I want to have a friendship. But your disappointment, it is my duty to clear up . I cannot let you bear a grudge that ought not to have exist, even if you never wanted to speak to me ever again, it would be better off that we ended this on a better note. I really hope you understand. And I'm sorry for hurting you. I never ever wanted it this way. I hope these may clear up your wound if possible. I'm really sorry... and... perhaps...goodbye...
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Maybe Im too selfish. Maybe even my 2nd reason for closing up isn't valid. I mean, if we look at things in another view, it could also be said i'm selfishly using others to try 'learn' how to be a friend. But those who I learn with, are all victims of my failures, then it wouldn't be fair to them that I'm hurting them in the process as well?
Hais, I'm feeling like some big time sucker and a failure. JM, I hope now you can understand why I always feel myself as a shitty friend. You shudn't defend me at all. It's really my fault. I dunno what you see in me, or maybe that you do not see in me, but, after so many failed relationships, there is only one constant, ME. Where's else would the problem lie, ya tell me. (Dun spam my tagboard again pls)
This is amazing. One night before, I'm being told that I'm doing things wrongly. I acknowledge it validating my with two points, one of which I hope would been more "noble", and set myself to change. Just one day in and I'm being slapped in the face twice for both reasons to why I close up. Or maybe wrongfully open up. What is this all about? A sign to prove me I'm wrong, even for the "noble" reason of it? Does this mean, I should quit believing, or trying, and just close up for good, thus hurting none at all? I don't know, what if I'm gonna live my whole life like that, I can't go around hurting everyone around me can I?
I should seriously just go die. Or at least die socially. Nothing I ever do is right, and everything ends up with some innocent party getting hurt because of my incompetence. I. should. just. be. solidarity. reclused. whatever shit. I need to be alone. I'm a bane to society... I'm not cut out for this whole friends thing, maybe I'm not meant for any, nor to be one...
and ok luh huh. For the good of everyone. I'll just give myself one more chance alrite. If somehow something crops up again, I take it as a confirmation of what I need to do. Hais, after being in touch with the social world once again, it'll be a bit difficult for me to shift back into my corner, but I hope ya all bear with me as I try my best to get there. Yups, sorries.
First day of trying to correct my ways and shit happens.
My secrets. I didn't quite want to share them, but I was hoping to have someone to confide to. Halfway through I keep it vague so that you get the idea what I was doing, but without the details cos that meant revealing the more sensitive parts of me.
You know the feeling when you wonder if you should kinda show that side of you that prolly isn't so nice. I thought over it for a moment. All the thoughts of how all the things that happened before. How I revealed the inner side to me only to be left there empty handed. How I got myself hurt every time I opened too much.
Well, I had a good mind to stop there. Letting you know the secret exterior was enough for me. You probed on, telling me to just say, just say, just say. Shit man, I really didn't wanted. I was expecting the same thing to happened to me just as it happened with you before. I didn't want to go thru the pain again.
And so with the aim of trying to be better at all this friendship thing, I trusted. I grit my teeth, go against everything my instincts told me, and I believed you again. I revealed/confided/told you the things I was doing wrong, and the bad stuffs I just came to realization that I was doing. Yup... I bared my heart to you once again, despite the pain, trust issues, defense mechanism and what my guts were warning me about.
But hey. Guess what? It's still happening again. After all the shit that I reveal to you, when I ask the same, what do I get? "Oh nothing", "I don't know", "I can't remember" and all the shit you give me. Even when you have the things I need/want to know, you never do bother to tell me, perhaps you don't see the point to. Even if it's nothing significant, can you at least provide me an axplanation instead of leaving me without an answer. You ask me for everything and I tell you, cant you at the very least do the same? You never do reciprocated with any openness nor trueness, you even f***ing tell lies to me, I don't know if I ever trust you again. What if this whole friendship was a sham.
But seriously, here you are probing and telling me to trust you. And when I f***ing do, nothing's reciprocated. Trusted you again and this happens. Why do you keep doing this to me... wtf. Please understand, Im not after some warm cuddly response but for you to share a mutual openness to me. You expect me and want me to tell you things that are hidden in my heart, and you bloody hell cant do the same for me? What the shit do you want me to do. Here you are abusing my trust over and over again, and each time I keep pushing myself to trust you as a friend. I mean perhaps you don't truly remember, but what I wonder... what have you really done to make it fair to me, or make it up to me. I mean you want me to reveal this dark things in me, surely I ought to have some compensation? I dunno, maybe I'm being screwed up here. Maybe I ought to shut my mouth up.
In case, you're all confused, trust here's represent that hope that you wont hurt me. I'm not discounting that it definitely would happen, but I just hope you wouldn't do something to hurt me in some major way. So what people. Back to my previous post. I dun just close up suddenly but a built up over all this multitudes of constant hurts resulting in mistrust, and its even happening now. I close up due to the fear of these hurts. But when I make an effort to believe, I open up and try to believe, all this shit happens. Seriously. So what am I supposed to do? Close up and be a crappy friend? Or open up and get myself hurt by all your actions. I am beginning to doubt if all these "truths" that you say are real. I somehow see more truth in my lies, I'm so confused. Does anyone even understand the dilemma I'm facing?
Duh. How many of you all will to try at least sympathize or see the difficulties that I face, or immediately rate me off as screwed. I'm not asking of sympathy here. I'm just asking that if you dun know what others are going through, it'll be much appreciated that you stop judging. Dam you judgmental people. You all are screwed up shit, you dun even see the difficulties people face before having the assumption that they are some screwed up peeps. Sometimes I can no longer differentiate whether I'm really facing problems or that I'm screwed up. Thanks suckers. =,=
Friendship. Someone told me that I'm making things too complicated. But hey, I really wnat to see friendship as some simple thing. Like hey, just make friends and let things happen. But I wish it was that easy. This whole thing about friendship is just so hard to work out. Simple things like this, so who's wrong is it? My fault for trying to trust my best friend? Or perhaps his flaw of not being open? sometimes I just wanna shut myself off from the world, stay in solitude, and just be to myself. This way, I can't get hurt, neither will I hurt anyone with my stupid antics. But heeeh, I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just quit this whole thing about friendship? Hais... I gave up on the world long time ago and I'm just guarding myself against it now, dun blame me for closing up, if you wanna be that friend, prove it, and I'm sorry, you'll have to work hard to earn my trust, cause it ain't coming easy.
I don't understand. I know I'm facing problems internally about friendship, but here I am trying to change and yet it still happens? If I live in lies, it hurts. I face the truth, it hurts even more. I have so many questions in my head. What's wrong? Me? Them? Bad luck? I acknowledge that I might be doing things wrong but when I make them right, things still never turn out as they say. I hate myself for living in lies. I hate myself more when I try to believe what they say are true, and suddenly, all my lies become truths.
and you're another one too. want to know so much about me, yet there's no reciprocity. You demand rules, but you dun abide by them. Your uncooperative-ness is a thin line from abuse. You better not step on my toes, I'm warning you. >=/ One fine day I blow up, it isn't gonna be too nice for you trust me. My trust isn't a toy to mess with.
I just finished a chat with a friend whom I last expected would be counseling me in such a manner. I haven't had anyone talk to me in such a manner and I quite appreciate it. Finally some feedback I get after all the asking around getting "dunno"s for an answer.
There's a whole lot of points to it, but I'll take out those which I can put my mind to. First off was when she asked me why I do push people away.
Ha, I think I'll limit my first post on it. And yes, a disclaimer that I know some of it might be faulty thinking but yea, I'm just stating both sides of my mind alright. Dun come bomb the shit outta me please.
Pushing people away. That's some I knew I was doing deep inside. There was a reason why my relationships could never developed beyond a certain limit before it starts to crumble. I always held this wall against people, preventing them from reaching to me. Playing intimacy games by opening and closing my doors, or sometimes, in a weird twist, making people come through a closed door.
I have two reasons to this, but I first present a short history. I grew up as a kid, treated unfairly, and given a harsh perception of being unwanted or without use for. A constant hurt that pierced me whenever someone did something to destroy my esteem. I never know if it was just an illusion by somehow, I grew up feeling that I was never wanted. Well or it could be that I unfortunately met people who really treated me that way, or a false belief that kept me in bondage.
Back to my reasons. Primarily, I engage in all these intimacy games subconsciously. I make friends with someone, trying to develop it, only to 'run' away and block out someone. I kinda fear people? I fear the intimacy of others. I fear losing that intimacy if it was real. And I fear letting myself get hurt again.
It gets so bad that it becomes a selfish desire. I open up to people whom I feel I can gain something. Be it your attention, your time, your listening ear, your knowledge and stuff. And then I close right back up when I'm done with it. I also close up to protect myself, and to somehow see who are the ones that actually try to break thru these defenses. Maybe I'm being way too tough on everyone, demanding only the ideal being to be let through, that none can penetrate this hard shield even if they wished to.
As for my second reason, I'm fully aware of this scheme of my mind, and I know its wrong. And feeling all helpless about it, instead of trying to overcome, I take the avoidant approach. I try to apply self-containment. Closing my self up so that I wouldn't hurt people by playing intimacy games with them. For the reason why I don't want to get close to people, so that I wont be able to draw away from them, and thus, there wouldn't even be an flux of friendship interaction that way. But, yet my inner self desires that companionship and I yet open up myself to others, closing again whenever I feel afraid to hurt them.
But I'd like to credit myself that, for the times I'm being a good or nice fella, I really am doing things out of a good heart. Just that whenever the fear kicks in I go into recluse again. Thus becoming some sort of nice-ish but cold person to some. =| I hope you wont see me as either, but just some ordinary guy whom your lucky chances upon of being nice to =P
So. Point 1, I'm not actually changing. Point 2, I fear hurting myself, so protect myself in a way that indirectly hurts others. And then to cope with it, I protect myself from having to hurt others and still end up hurting others. Make frens wrong, dun make frens also wrong.
And then I'm sure they will be that bunch who's gonna judge me for what I'm writing now. But seriously, how many of you are in the same dilemma as I am. They will be that bunch that accuse me for being emo, thinking too much, being screwed up, being way too hardcore about friends, some bad shit fella. Ba... why do you all do this man.
All I want and hope is that I can stop myself from the way I'm doing things. Without all those fears, and that I can stop toying with people's friendship. Come to think of it, I'm quite a selfish guy eh? So do I have to learn how to trust others wholeheartedly? To the one that I do, there I find my doubts increasingly challenging me as to whether I ought to continue trusting. My gut instincts tell me I shouldn't, but I am. Hurting sucks.
Now I present what my friend continued:
"thats what u think... you think you are doing them a favour by pushing them away thinking you actually know whats good for them. But in reality... you are insulting them...leaving with them a feeling that nobody's ever good enough for you. you are making judgments based on what you think is right. but oh..we are sooooo blinded. how do we know whats best for people and then determine their 'fate' for them when sometimes we don't even know ourselves??"
Well, I do think I'm pushing them away as a favour (reason 2). I mean, it's better if I kept them away instead of hurting them over and over again rite? As for leaving them with a feeling that no one's good enough, I dunno if people feel that way, but I gotta admit, I think quite lowly of others, or that my expectations are way too high, cos I sincerely do feel that no one will be that special one for me. I think everyone has their own lives, why would they be nice enough to stay and wait for me to open my doors. But then again, seriously, how the hell would I ever know the feelings of others if everyone keeps it in. I'm sure there are people that are concerned for me, but if you all don't make it known, I, a really insensitive blockhead, will not feel a thing either. And then of course I'm left to my own assumptions to work things out. So how am I to differentiate those who are concern but not making it known and those people who seriously dun give a damn about me. I'll just block everyone wholesale then, wont I?
But yea, despite all this, it kinda makes me realize how selfish I am... It's as though I'm manipulating everyone around me to satisfy my own needs and pleasures. Those selfish people I detest, it turns out I'm actually one of them myself... Doing everything for my own good only actually... Heh, what have I become...
But, to all those who are my friends, or call me your friend. Would you stop befriending me if our friendship was built upon my own manipulation, using you to get from you what I wanted? If I was actually a pretty crappy guy inside? Would you wait for me, to try settle this thing inside me, for the day I can finally and wholly call you my friend as well and be a real one to ya? This is the reason why I always call myself a bad friend, because most of the times, I'm just not being one...
My mistakes are grave and great... I'm sorry to y'all =l I'll try my best to change! =]
P.S. Eh, on a random thought. Would be nice to know all those who are actually looking out for me. =P A positive self-esteem thought, I'm sure I have a few peeps out there who cares for me, yea? :D Thanks you all~
those times when you know aren’t being the best but you just wished someone would look beyond all the badness, the outward appearances, to see and understand weaker and helpless side of you hidden inside, without judging, nor turning away like what everyone else have.
sometimes, we give up waiting. We give up hoping that someone special unlike the rest, would reach his hand into that abyss, and pull us out. We stop believing. We give up on ourselves. We lay waste our mind and body to the schemes and defenses that keep us trapped in our agony. We become worse, succumbing to the fate of a lone child, needs unmet, helpless and yearning.
A need for love, for tender affections. A need to feel belonged, a place of security. A need to be recognized, for our existence to be acknowledge and valued. The innate drives within us, that unconsciously draws us out to search for the satisfying and fulfilling of this emptiness. We search, in the motherland, in hostile grounds, we even feed ourselves to the dog that we might taste that evanescent goodness, even if it lasts a few seconds, we willingly trade our lives for that.
Leaning by the corner of a wall, writing about my dreams and fantasies.
I wonder what's a fairytale like? Maybe I've been watching too mane movies or reminiscing from novels I read when I was little kid. This they call, something that exists in almost every story.
Its like this something that's missing inside of me. This void I cant seem to fill, no matter how I try. I think I have the answers to it, but I don't think its meant to be. It's happened all around me. I've seen it. It's even happening now, and seeing it happen before my eyes is so heartwrenching.
When's mine I wonder. Do I get a chance at it? I wished I know the thoughts of others. I wanna know my value. No, I'm not thinking I'm lousy, it's just that I wonder, do fairytales like these exists. Surely there ought to be some basis. A lie cant exists if there is no truth to lie about.
But what are the chances? I've been through it 3 times, and none of which made into reality. 5 months after you left my memories, my heart has been wandering in the wilderness. Is there really a bliss that's exists? Or perhaps it's merely some story that's made up to bluff the world.
At times, all I see is just a world of darkness, and I'm sitting there alone, a splotligh shining down on me, and all that surrounds me is black empty space.
Every soul my path crosses has me questioning, what if? A little tingly feeling, a adrenaline rush, we been through them all. Even if I found one, how would it ever be possible for things to be that way. Everything's merely an illusion.
Everyone. All them all. I'm playing with chances, toying with lives, gambling with fantasies...
Alrites man, today was a chiongster day having to finish up my WIC and Specom essay, was so dam worried. I often leave things to the last minute but I never experienced having to complete two essays in the same day but owells things were pretty good =D
Finished my wic term paper at 12.30 with 3.2k words. Record sia HAHA and optimal word count should be 2k but teacher let us have how much we want so HAHA like that lor Specom essay was just a random bomb of words, had my momentum going so yea, finished that pretty quick as well.
Anyway, more quick updates on me thoughts,
It's kinda cute seeing two of my friends developing a mutual liking for each other xD silly lovebirds~
I still wonder how the dynamics of relationships works. Love has a great power to change dynamics completely. And since I cant be in one, I have to learn from others. =l
Someone complimented me for being different. Made my day plenty plenty ^^ positively different also HAHA YAAAAY *high*
I wonder if I am actually doing things wrongly. I had been observing the dynamics of a certain someone analysing and stuff and sometimes I wonder if I'm actually making the same mistakes?
This week isn't gonna be any better with about 5 assignments to complete...
I think my condition should be stabilizing =D Havent been doing much screw ups recently ^^
I really need to sleep, my eyebags are majorly awesome, they look like makeup
Still aiming to be a better fella
Wondering if I'm truly as people think I am, or might it be a facade that even fools myself
Some of my behaviour has changed drastically for the worse, I'm disgusted at myself
Glad that I can at least put a smile on someone's face, sometimes, it makes a world of difference
Teaching my hiclub class of 31 people is no easy feat. Planning a formation makes it even tougher
I think I have neglected the one closest to me despite wanting to help others. Need to cherish him more.
I wish he could open up his world to me, sometimes I have no idea where I should probe and whether or not I ought to. =l Sorry, buddy
French is kinda fun but dam tough to learn. Je m'appelle Nico ^^ Et vous?
I friggin need a haircut, my hair is so dam long and irritating I touch it at least a hundred times each day =(
I'm writing this form the middle of the night because I feel so distracted from doing my work. Wasting precious time =l
Anyways, today is the final performance of the three and boy was its nerve wrecking. We were the only performers at the HMS award ceremony and eeks, all eyes were on us to put on a good show for the closing finale. And sheesh, so many familiar faces, its darn freaky.
Well, I kinda screwed up my first part which was kinda sad, but overall I think we did a relaly really great performance. I'd like to credit myself for the effort and the whole make-up of the practice of the performance. I think at least with my perfectionism and over-high standards I really managed to push the performing standards of this show much much higher. Of cos with the help of fellow team mates and their dedication ^^
I'd like to feel that I made history. Since so long has there been a (hiclub) performance of high quality. I think our formation wasn't that too fantastic, but for synchronization, I think we really hit it =D Would be lovely to think that next time in the future, people will look back and say "Hey, remember the performance done by Darren's group, that was one of the best performance ever in Hi Club". History makers. With effort and perseverance, I've made mine.
Haha, but I secretly hope that people can affirm me >.< Feeling kinda happy for the achievement yet sad because I'm not sure if anyone appreciates it. Owells. Am surrendering those feelings. At least I know I've done my best =)
will link the vid when its up ^^
AND SIA LUH
We perform for HMS award ceremony. See everyone getting awards for best this best that. I feel so inspired to work hard so that maybe one day, I too can be amongst the top =D
Well well well, I have dawned upon some new inspiration and acceptance of myself. Me being annoying. =)
Ha, I'm sure most people that know me have at least once have gotten annoyed the shit out by me. In fact, I dun think I have ever failed to not annoy somehow. But over the time as I go about doing my whole deviance and self acceptance thing, I have come to enjoy and liked even the flawed side of my annoyingness and it being a part of me and who I am.
History first, I started off as a super seriously annoying kid doing all sorts of irritating stuff to get people pissed. It was kinda out to get attention which I lacked quite a lot. And well, being annoying isn't a very good way of recieving positive attention, but well it does work. I believe I would be one of the most difficult kids back then, a horror to caregivers and friends.
It was until I lost my best friend in the process of my misbehaviour. I mean wow, I practically annoyed the shit out of best buddy so much he had it and just broke the friendship with me. Well it wasn't really his fault, I mean I really was a terror back then and having to tolerate me and be my friend for years was something he surpassed others in. But well, I had to learn my lesson the hard way.
Since then, I always had a fear, a fear that I will annoy others so much they would leave me as well, maybe hate me. And from then I never fully opened up to others cause I didn't want them to feel unhappy. I feared the rejection that others might give and closed myself inwards, becoming quite an introvert. And that being so, I was especially sensitive to negative comments about me being irritating or a nuisance. If I ever heard something like that, I would have totally break down inside instantly.
But moving forward to the present, I have come to realized this part of who I am, not that I should stay an annoying brat always but, somehow, I feel that as I accept this now "annoying" part of me, I begin to present it in a more well... genuine way with lesser motives of pure attention seeking behaviour. And the people around me have accepted me for who I am as well.
A few things sparked off a memory from a anime show, Clannad. I find myself relating to one of the characters, Sunohara. He's kinda like some really annoying guy in this show with his randomness and weird antics. But as unlikable as he is, he is still part of the clique and group of people, and in some way, his annoying behaviour is part of the whole group together as one. He's part of them, the way he is.
As I ponder over my doings, I find that I somehow develop a somewhat love-hate relationship with many people in a away that goes "Argh I haaaate you~" with yet an affectionate feeling with it. Somehow, that which I have yet to understand, is that well, this part of me being terribly "annoying" has become a part of their lives, and thru either making them positively and laughably pissed off at me, it would be something missing if I never existed. Perhaps this "annoyingness" in me brings out a thing in them which well, I dunno, does something good for them =P If you do know, please do let me know how I have made a difference to you small or big hahax.
But yea, I think its a wonderful and meaningful lesson, coming to accept and embrace part of me which I have avoided for ever so long. It's like having part of me restored, and my esteem raised. Haha, perhaps it really is true? When one is congruous with himself, things will really be quite well and nice ^^ At least, now I no longer hate and think myself to be an annoyance to others =]Oh and thanks to the people around for accepting me for who I am, both the good and the bad, it means a lot to me, and I believe to many others around also ^^
Hmm, I've been thinking about this recently. My life in Poly, a step into the social world again. Meeting peers of my age and study and common interest. Even share a passion with many awesome people around me.
Time is short. My time in poly has been really really awesome. From trying out new things, having psychological debates, laughing over crazy stuff, planning mind games, analyzing people, finding a best friend, helping random souls, collecting a heck lot of CCA points, meeting new people, going out with friends, doing absolutely stupid and senseless things, being retarded, creating scandals, talking lame stuff, chionging projects, emoing over others, joining in camps as a camper and GL, waking up late, making fun about teachers, and so much much more.
Shit man, just thinking of all these makes me miss the past already. I wanna go back to 1 year ago. I wanna relive all these memories. I don't want my poly years to end. I don't want all this to go. But nvm, I must learn how to cherish what I have.
1 and a half years. I still have much I can do. I wanna make more friends, and hopefully leave something meaningful in their lives. I wanna change the world. I wanna become a better person. I wanna make life more meaningful.
Haha, and suddenly I thought, what if I made my present so great that it might hurt for me to reminiscent about it later in the future. =P
But nonetheless,
Don't cry because it's over; Rejoice because it happened. ^^
Well well well. It's my 2nd performance for the project =D 3rd one's coming up this wednesday.
Recently, been super busy trying to head a hiclub performance team to sign "Change A Heart, Change The World" for three separate events. 2 charity events and 1 school award ceremony. woah, lucky the school award one's the last, so we have ample time to build up the momentum and standard.
Hah, it's been my goal this year to improve on song signing and really focusing more on expressions and good gesturing. So since I'm given this opportunity (which i kinda rejected at first), I decided to make dreams become reality.
Firstly, me being a hardcore perfectionist. I aimed for our performance to be of really high standards. kinda like a dance performance. But haha, I doubt ours can reach that standard because song signing requires more expression and complex micro movements. But yeaps. I pushed on. Trying my best to break the boundaries. I wasn't satisfied with our normal standard.
I pressed on, being as anal as I can, nitpicking every small mistake. I felt discourage sometimes, seeing that some of them didn't seem to like the way I was doing things, but with some words of encouragement, hehe, I held on to my dreams =)
Shalln't go to much into how much turmoil and stress I gave myself during this period. I'm really really glad that thru all my pushing and perfecting of moves, we've got breakthrough and have our higher standards and quality of group song signing. We even have a blind practice where everyone closed their eyes and signed and even managed pretty good synchro :D
I hope that this song sign team will take pride of the high standards we have achieve through all the hard work and time. I'm proud of y'all. But let's not stop here. Together, we will reach for the stars!
Haha, I know the previous post was dam emo but yea, was just some spiral of emo thoughts. but. nonetheless. I thought about something.
I've been searching for one since eons ago. I had my ideals, I had my hopes, I had that tiny little wish for it to come true. I wasn't searching for money, fame, or attention. I was hoping deep down, for a companion. A partner, a bestie, a good friend, whichever.
Being shunned by the world time and time over again, due to my quite unlikable nature, which many have not experienced, I closed up my heart from within, being naturally open, yet never letting anyone touch even the out skirts of heart's walls.
Being fearful of the possible hurt of having one grow near to me only to leave me when he/she finds me hard to be with. I unconsciously play an intimacy game with everyone near me, testing if they were reliable and trustable for me to allow deeper.
Anyways, despite having that one and only one issue with you, which I know you have your reasons for, I never quite realized the person you are to me. It was through the times of reflection that I realized how great a friend you were.
You knew me and understood my inner self. You accepted and allowed me to be who I am, moulding me along to become someone better. You shared psychological and philosophical debates over matters like there was no tomorrow. Your proximity found me at my deep thoughts which no other could reach. You become my best friend in my eyes.
Deep inside, my heart wouldn't dare treat you as one. Not knowing my value in your eyes, I dare not bare everything to you in fear of me being a burden. I was afraid I would be a nuisance to you, just as many out there before. But over the times, our relationship grew closer. And closer.
I never once thought of me being your best friend, perhaps just some friend fun to be with. But ever since yesterday, while a tear rolled down from each eye, I thought back about many things we done together. Now, I say this with much trepidation and anxiety... What if maybe, you saw me as a best friend? or maybe a good friend? I dare not fathom the answer.
But truly, what you've done for me has been one of the greatest thing anyone has done in my life and when I look at the end of 3 years, I hope poly never ends. I don't wanna lose you as a friend. I never had any friend truer than you.
What if that which I've been searching for all along in my heart, was right here before me eyes? It's like a dream come true, or maybe, too good to be true. I'm afraid to believe that you will be a best friend (in mutual context) I dare not even hold imaginations about it.
I dunno, I really dont know, I cannot bring myself to have the slightest imagination that I would be valued by you as a best friend. The irony of having a heart's wish come true, and yet dare not believe it is really is meant to be.
Are we really meant to be friends? Good friends? Best friends? Because if we are, I promise, I'll give my all and everything to you.
Darren Nico Pillai