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Locked in Embrace
Sunday, January 30, 2011

Last evening took us to the next level. Everything felt like a dream.

I'm glad I've got you, to experience it that together with you in embrace. It was my dream, one which I could only imagine, and perhaps, it was yours too. We shared this dream, as mutual givers and receivers. Marks another point in my life, with your name signed on it.

As much as I never expected it to be you, I'll never forget your name that is written on my heart, along those others precious to me.

I'm amazed by your bravery, your inner strength. Perhaps I underestimated you, especially after what all that you've been through. Heck, you moved even further that I could.

For me, it was beyond anything I imagined, finally, something tangible, something to hold.

At the end of all this, I don't want this just to be about me loving you or you loving me. I want this to be about loving life, and living it with every bit of essence life holds of each soul. I hope I wont be led astray, and with that safeguard, that I can lead you to experiencing the moments again.

I'm not asking you to stay forever, as much as I'd hope so. But with whatever time that's left, I wanna let you be alive again. To fill a heart so empty, with the only finite love infused with God.

Let's fight on together alright?

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A Refreshed Beginning
Friday, January 28, 2011

Hey girl,

I hope that we can embark on this journey together. I'll need you, and you, me. We're both new at our fields, and that we work into making life lived worthwhile and fulfilled.

I'd like for that day we stand as equals, but till that day, I will persevere in giving you the needs which I can provide.

I wanna see you like everyone else, loved and secured, and confident in yourself. And with that, you become a love vessel for others as well. For you to regain that essence of life in you. It's close, I'm not sure if you know, but it's just close by your side.

Whatever it is, let's support each other okay? I love you sweetie~

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Birthday Bear
Thursday, January 27, 2011

Lying on your bed as I type this, Happy birthday zhixiong

I survived the plan despite having to work without your presence and support. I started on it more than 2 weeks back, under the lame code name Operation Rainbow Panda. Really was difficult chasing them for the videos. But yea, survived by the reminder of your words every time I feel discouraged, that you'd ask me to look towards the good/impact that I can do for others.

I'm glad I got to spend the first and final 12.00 of your birthday. I'd forgo my class outing, or spend the night over at your house for your birthday. You were with me at the very final moment of my birthday, which made my whole sucky birthday worthwhile. And it was the least I could do for you.

One thing I'm proud of myself.

I wondered what I can do for your birthday, something meaningful, something significant. And I then I thought, why not make my birthday wish something for you. And so started my project. I always desired something of proper value, something meaningful, and I thought you needed the same too. After all that you've done, and everything that you are. Of how much you've been a blessing to the lives around you.

Instead of waiting for it to happen to me, that I'll do it for you.

Besides, it's been quite long since I had you as my bestest friend in life. I dunno. zomg, I think I've said more than enough of how much you are to me, you probably know all the words I'm going to say already.

Haha, I'm happy for your birthday. It's nice seeing everyone do so much for you. I feel you deserve it, for whatever and whoever you are. Do receive it from them alrite. For as much I do nothing for you, you feel you do nothing for them. But you know that I bless you in my own ways, and that is the same for you to them too. You're a blessing to everyone around you.

Haha, I'm blessed to have someone like you. Without you, I've never have grown so much to who I am today. Continue changing the world zx =)

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Unrestrained Lady
Sunday, January 23, 2011

2nd day spent specially with you.

Really appreciate that I can finally have my borders down with you, I feel so relieved that I no longer have to hold back just because of fears. You're the first girl I let my walls down to, something I never really saw myself doing, and I thank you for allowing me this privilege.

Another date to mark hahax~

And you know for once, I feel really at ease, with you being an equal in our friendship. Found you talking about yourself, and didn't need to work hard to initiate, or guide or maintain the conversation.

Look forward to the next transition for our friendship =) And that I hope the friendship can progress much more to what we can be.

And eesh, do talk more as yourself alrites. I really enjoy you being the natural you. It's really lovely seeing that life in you.

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Public Tears
Saturday, January 22, 2011

Memorable-ish experiences I had ._.

22th

kinda broke down in front of zx and ivy. To the sheer depths of my own hurts, in a live emo version of me =P

Got me crying, and breaking into tears, even with the resurfacing of old patterns in managing that excruciating pain.

Brought me back to that weak side of me, I cant get the feelings again, but I remember it being about my loneliness, weaknesses, and feeling helpless.

Sparked off from a statement of me treating people like task, which I do not contest, bringing up my own feelings of hurt. Felt that no one was there for me, that throughout my life, I never really felt anyone treated me like a person either, let alone the knowledge of treating others like one. I haven't had anyone, sit down, and genuinely know me for who I am.

For that which I feel close with, in a metaphorical analogy, things aren't lonely when I'm with people we meet outside my "home". It's nice to have people come out of their comfort to meet together, but does anyone bother to make an effort to enter mine? For people to come into my world, and love me.

At least, I take comfort in knowing that for whatever little I receive, I give it back to others. But I think I wont be able to do that well as others, til I either learn the hard way, and have people teach me. On a side note, felt a whisper in my heart, when I spoke about me giving whatever litte I have. I suddenly felt reminded by the widow who gave little, but to God, she gave her all. Encouraged me to know that, it's the heart that matters.

But on the other hand also, it's nice to know the people around me. Although not fully compatible with my need, it's also their thought and effort that keeps me driving forward, in whichever way they give.

Thanks dengz for the time and understanding. I may have been wrong in my words, but you know, I just hope you'd know that whatever our story, hurts and experiences, the very thing that makes the present worthwhile is our choices, to do what's right, or necessary, and I hope you'd do the same of the best measure of your capability.

On a side note. Dam, it's super disturbing to see the uncle, cleaner at the hawkwer centre I cried at, stare back with these condescending, judgmental, digusted eyes. All because zx kept holding me and crying. LOL.

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Crossed The Line

Hey, it's late so I'ma squeeze out a post.

Heh, recently one of my friends came up to apologize for saying something to hurt my feelings. Heh, appreciated her for being able to come up to me and say such thing. Secondly, while she explained herself, I realized how much I was quite self absorbed that day, so much so I neglected theirs, and especially her feelings ._. Kept pushing for what I wanted, that I failed to consider the lives of others. Pfft ._. selfish raawwr.

And it shames me so that I couldn't give my reply to her personally on that spot. But I'm sure she'll understand. Sorry, and my sincere apologies.


Second one.

It's annoying when people read a few posts off my blog and make judgments or misinterpret without knowing my writing style. Posts, with emo tags, are never meant to be taken literally, but unfortunately so did some ppl read so. I guess whatever it is, I bear the responsibility of the written posts.

Anyway. A chat got me reflecting on my past acts pertain to the main comm. I'll just put it straight. I feel utterly anguished over some wrongs I have done.

Two main points, one of me berating the comm, the second of me crossing the lines.

First one. Heh. I still have a major pride issue yea. To berate and shoot down the comm is placing myself above them, which I am in no position to, aside from pride. Besides, it brings a judgmental aspect as I truly don't know what's the internal matters, something that cant be discounted.

And me going to the point of saying them suck was pretty, I dunno, quite a bloody mean thing to express. Hais ._. Wherever went my nonjudgmental side of me. I'm at a lost of myself actually.

The second part of my crossing the line covers anything I done out of pride, impulse, dishonour, anger, impatience and along the line. I dont retract my actions for things which I felt was necessary but of course rarely so. But heh, for those moments out of heat when I find myself out of line, I immediately take a step back ._.

Actually, I don't what's up with this. I just feel really bad, reflecting upon my past, along with someone's feedback, that heh, I did my wrong. Anguished by it.

*emos a bit...*
Anyways, I dunno. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm anything to them. I'm not asking for credit or sorts, though I don't really have a place there. I know I'm a somewhat an extra but my heart yearns for that place. I'm not just in it for the power (to make a change), I'm there for the people.

You guys after all, were the people I "grew" up with. You all were my friends. And it hurt me a whole lot, to see all of you move on to another level while I'm left behind. A deep piercing pain. Some of you may defend by saying the bonds in the comm isnt even strong, but some of you don't even see what you all have, or are even putting to use.

Out of my own character and heart, I'm not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I ended up creating this false sense of power in me, being my own identity, so that I could face you all on a psuedo-equal level, and to avoid the pain of that segregation. and probably out of that, my selfishness took over.

But hey, I'm not sure what I am in the comm's eyes. A bonus, a help? or... a threat? an issue? an extra? a burden? a clingy idiot who cant let go?

Hearing the latest feedback tore me inside once again. Not for anything the comm did to me. But just how much trouble I've given them, how much I selfishly imposed myself on them. I felt like I failed my own part to deserve anything from them. I... dunno. I guess, to hurt the people I love, makes me feel my worst ever.

I think, deep down, all I ever really wanted was to be part of you guys.

But my actions only made me contrary of that. Hais.

I really wished, that out of all my mistakes, I could still be with the comm, not in, with. But I think it's impossible. In whichever status there are at, I don't ever see myself being part of them. Maybe I'm being greedy, asking for something that I cant own.

I wished they'd know the pain I'm struggling with. But I dont think if anyone knows how much it is, or cares. Maybe to some, it's just a position. I only hope they can realize, it was meant to be a family.

Out of this anguish, of my pain and wrong done, I so desire an audience with the main comm. But its gonna be impossible. I really want to go up before them as a comm, to apologize for all the pride, damage and mistakes I've made. But but in emo and objectiveness, I don't think I mean anything enough to some, that my offered restitution would be worth, or do anything.

You know I secretly wish, all you main comms would know all these I have to say. Especially for those who chanced on those flawed emo posts of the main comm, that this too, of my once heartfelt words, would reach your eyes. But owells.

Once again, it's a question of value.

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Cell Level 3
Thursday, January 20, 2011

Been out for dinner with the new cellies. It's another year and there's a huge batch of new people, all of whom seems really friendly and nice. Looking into a fun and exciting year ahead with them.

This time, I hope to redo things. I wanna make this cell a positive and loving place, where people can be themselves in whatever manner, weak, broken, renewed, hopeful, loveless, loved, most importantly, themselves.

Gonna work extra hard to know the newer batch, and hopefully be able to build some connections with them to understand them, be with them and help them mould.

Roxane's moving on next month, and I guess I really have to up my efforts to maintaining what I want. Hopefully the newer bunch will be easier to work with.

So far, they have seen my boosted side, and I hope they wont be disappointed with the "darker" side of me. But owells, til then. Gonna hold my fort to give them my best. I need to start loving them and making them part of my life.


Dear God,

I pray none of them have to feel lonely.
I pray they will find a home as one.
I pray they will find acceptance and love.
I pray they'll grow and know you more.
I pray I can be an impact to them.
I pray I can be a support for them.
I pray You'll help me have a heart and love them passionately.


I pray, You'll make me a better person for everyone of them.
I need Your strength and wisdom.

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Back In Time
Wednesday, January 19, 2011



Was on the train when I suddenly a random thought striked up in my mind. What if, I had the chance to relive 1 year exactly from now, and after 1 year I'll phase back into where I last left it, but the course of that year will be altered by the definite changes in my choices and actions.

First off, it will be pretty awkward. Everything around me. Say if I could bring back my knowledge and experience, then I would be in time 1 year reversed with my mind left in the future. I would know people before I met them. I would not be as close to the people I am now. I'll respond to them as if I knew them, yet was strangers otherwise. I'll also keep my skills =D

Take it one by one.

*rewinds time*
Exactly 1 year 1 second back, 20 January 2010, I'll be emoing. 5 days ago, I just wrote a goodbye letter to a friend after being burnt out. Currently emoing because I'm feeling inferior to my best friend. Emoing over another girl. Emoing because I feel that I'm no good. Wow. lots things to emo about eh?

Back then, I still wouldn't be as good/nice as I am presently (LOL). I knew ZhiXiong as a good guy then, but far from being good friends. I'll be still in year 1 stressing out on my IP. I'll be so different I cant imagine who I was like back then.

Another second later... My eyes opens as the blinding flash slowly fades away. I'll probably be dazed for quite some time, trying to find where I am. Recollecting all my memories, as they will be the only things I have left to hold on to in the present. And then I'll quickly move on to resolve many things.



I imagine myself calling up Timothy, telling him what has just happened. He wont believe me, thinking I'm some sort of crazy dude. Suddenly saying I time traveled haha. I was full of random shit back then too. And then when I prove it, by revealing some things he told me along the year. I can imagine his lost face, before screaming and yelling to me how cool all the sci-fi things were, and surely with a half doubt in his mind. He'll be slightly wary of me at first, and then I'll like to see us becoming much much closer in time.



Seeing the letter I've wrote, she probably cried her heart out already. I'll try to repair my things if possible, and then let her know everything that from the past, and my present hopes for things. I don't thing I'll tell her what the "real" 2010 was like, haha think it'll overwhelm her mind. I cant say what it'll be like since things would probably be unpredictable, but I wanna make sure she has lesser hurts and more smiles. I'll wanna be her friend, a real one, and making her feel loved, and hopefully, opening her hearts to others as well, so she doesn't have to feel lonely ever.



And to zhi xiong. He'll be the first I'll call up. I bet he'll be dam surprised. But then again, we weren't close enough then for me to do all that ._. Neither of us ever expected our paths to intertwine that closely. I wonder though, will I be ever to rebuild that relationship I had with him. Maybe, maybe this chance of reliving one year will cost me this beautiful friendship. I wonder if it's worth it? Perhaps, if we do become good friends, I'll have more time to learn to be more understanding to him.



Oh, and if it isnt too late, I could go up to the hiclub main comm, to request for a CA post? Haha with sudden skills for song signing and formations lolz. Wow, I'll be like some hiclub genius. lol. But then, at least, hopefully I wouldn't be cocky like last time, maybe I'll stand a chance to be part of the comm. This is quite a void area to imagine the different path, but I would love to see how things will have been if I was a main comm from the beginning, not replacing anyone. Drastic I believe. I'm sure, many, many things, would be different. Maybe I too, would become self-absorbed and lose the good things around me.

To the people around me, I'm sure I'll become a sudden changed person to them. 1 year made a big difference to who I am. But it should be a much better change. I'd like to imagine all the difference and impact I will be able to make for others. And surely to make less hurts. I wonder how life will take from there.

Well, my imagination takes me only a few months far, because it's really quite a big thing to try imagine going through 1 year of life, with all the things I know already. Like replanning the camp, meeting the juniors and new friends (whom I know), being exceptional at my studies, maybe I'll become a better guy, having the extra experience of 1 year, before I'm back to 20 Jan 2011.

Saying all these, it doesnt change the fact that I'm in Jan 2011, and the only direction I'm moving is forward. I'll be more inclined to imagine all the good things that can happen, but I'm sure there will be many other mistakes as well.

One thing I know though. If I really had the chance to go back, there's many things I'll change. Not because I cant accept my past, but I want to relive my life, without all those fears and restraints, holding back from all the great things I could have done.



Regrets are painful, but useless if we keep looking back. Rather, make right by cherishing the present and doing the necessary.

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Pursuing One
Tuesday, January 18, 2011




I find myself feeling somewhat awkward, somewhat guilty.

There isn't much to explain. I think I belong to thesame category as "you". Heh, being that semi introverted-small-social-capacity fella, others are often the one initiating the conversation. I wonder if they feel bad about doing so as mentioned in the that note. Do they get tired of saying the first hi? Will they stop?

It isn't always that I don't want to talk to people, but it doesn't cross my mind to say hi to someone. I don't know why.

I've once been a pursuer in a friendship where I was always being the first to start a conversation. Everyday. Maybe it was passion fueled, but deep down was a sorta-grudge about me always having to be the initiator. To the point where the other person saying hi was always beyond what I expect, surprising me so.

I think that's why my msn is quite quiet as well. There's only a small number of people I talk to. I'm guessing after awhile, everyone gets tired of talking to me. Haha. I'm fine with the silence, in fact I like it. I dun think anyone is an annoyance, though I think it's natural that people might feel so.

Baaa, think I should learn to "talk' to more people ._. Though I'm unsure how. Just that I feel bad of people making efforts to build a relationship whereas I'm being quite passive and difficult to be with. It doesnt take a lot of effort to give a reply, or randomly say hi to someone, yet I find it quite taxing to. I don't like the burden of keeping a conversation alive.

I'm at a loss of words mostly too, whenever I need to start up a conversation unnaturally. I rely most on a guided script of the common questions people ask. I'm not sure how to hold a genuine quality conversation, and I'm quite envious of those who are able to benefit from that privilege. I find myself quite self-absorbed in my own world I forgot how to connect with others. Or that I've been quite alone during the past.

I wonder how many people I've unknowingly hurt in whichever small or big way in the way I am. I stop though whenever I think of those who want to be friends with me. Dare not imagine of me being of any interest, or intent to others for friendship, though people tell me otherwise.

I think I fear that intimacy. Not sure why, but it's a bit like that awkward feeling when someone gets too close, for example hugging you. Yea, it's fine but just weird. And that's a bit of what I feel when it comes to people and relations. I feel awkward with relationships, though I enjoy and like it. Maybe it's because of my lone past, void of genuine relationships, thus adapting and mirroring it.

I'm highly aversive in blocking others. And I'm so good that I can hold substitute connections that work but are not genuine. It still functions, but with great limitations. Even my words holds a subtle hidden cold wall, discouraging others from approaching me.

Whatever it is, gonna have to learn how to talk to people. Look into their world. I need to open up myself, and learn to embrace.

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Birthday Bash
Saturday, January 15, 2011

Hmm. This year's birthday has been interesting. Fading in between both the good and bad, but ultimately good =)


14th Jan,

Overslept for school, and accidentally made zx wait at the train station for nothing because of some miscommunication. dang. Mm, class celebrated my birthday in lecture, getting me uneccesary attention from Mr seong patty~ xD Got qutie a few gifts from everyone. Afterwards had lunch with the T01 guys. At night hanged out with the juniors and finally went out with zx, leaving the school at 9+

To be honest, it was a hurting disappointment. I felt it was stupid to raise my hopes despite past experiences. Well, I don't really hold any meaning to my birthday, aside for the slight possibility that people would somewhat do something special for me on that day. In a certain way, I kinda hoped I can be made special by people around me. Maybe that in a desire for to have a focus on me, but not because it was my birthday, but a wanted focus on me, for me, in a partial selfish sense. And in my works of learning how to receive, I tried to have hope again. And it hurt, like shit.

To be fair, I felt that, at least people did made an effort to do something, maybe in terms of celebration. But despite everything, I felt like in the end, no one was really there for me. It felt more like a ritual. Even with all my plans I had, there wasn't anyone to spend it with. Maybe it was kinda like last year, where everyone was busy? That loneliness...

Out of all this, had to struggle to keep strong, by focusing on the things I could do for others. Was pretty encouraging when I sent out nice stuff to people, and they replied that I should be the one receiving and not giving, and I'm glad because I wanted that message put across. Even if one had the right to get things, it still isn't impossible to be the one giving. (Not neglecting the need for receiving of course.) Just hoped that for all the messages I sent in return, people will be impacted by it.

When zx was done with meeting at 9, kinda felt sad and a bit annoyed HAHA he promised me 1.5 hours earlier, but I'm over it, and it wasn't his fault anyway. Just that looking back, I felt like my day was wasted hoping again, and now, even that I'm with him, I didn't have any time left to anything.

Made it down to downtown east to snack at Popeyes's. Spend some final moments with him. Zx, I really wanna thank you. Though I didn't really get to celebrate my birthday in a non-ritualistic-heartfelt way, I felt that at least in the very end, there was someone there for me, which completed everything I needed, (the rest were all just wants lol) but yea. The day may have been a disappointment, but I'm grateful to you for the very final moment.

and lol you. I emoed on your birthday and you emoed on mine, I guess that makes it fair eh ? haha...

15th Jan...

promised something better. Something from the hiclub people, and a possible thing for some friends.

Hiclub had a video made by the juniors if Im not wrong. It wasn't very big, but heh. Felt really touched by their efforts. Haha, in a way, was hmm wow =P I didn't know I mean something to the juniors ._. But hmm, one of the really big part that touched my heart was when the final scene of the main comm people wishing me. That quite struck me. Dunno. Maybe I didn't think I felt valued by them, despite with my crazy antics and naggy complaints, but with a real sincere heart for the main comm. Whether they did it out of obligation/jumping bandwagon or because they genuinely wanted to, I just felt at the moment, it meant something to me ._.

The meeting afterwards wasn't very much birthday-ish, but I guess I was used to it already, kinda stop expecting. Just something triggered when I had to choose somewhere to eat being my birthday. Felt like the birthday thing was abused because it wasn't even treated as one, neither did I wanted an obligatory celebration. Just felt like it gave me a certain false hope ._.

Got pissed off at the dinner actually. Felt like nothing good was being made there, with people holding back, together with the understanding of other stuff. But it was like, I've waited for this day to come, and in a certain way, there was supposed to be an objective, set from the past, for an effort to progress the friendship. But, heh, guess we've lost that connection, like zx said. In the end, felt like I could have used my time better to be writing my messages for people, rather than sit around at a table not doing anything. Zx said I was kinda too involved with Timothy or gave the impression so, it's partially my fault too. But heh. Slightly disappointed I guess. Though to be fair, I didn't really gave anyone the proper chance to do anything, So I shouldn't judge them heh?

But hey, really had a proper solid thrash talk with timothy. The best of them all. After the toilet break when the girls left and I returned early to tell Timothy the truth. From there it went waaay deep into new grounds for both of us.

Though I felt pretty bad that I neglected the rest. Just felt like grabbing that rare opportunity. Besides that, I kinda feel like giving up on the group. Feel tired trying to push from my side when no one's reciprocating. I acknowledge that hey, I may not have the right methods or know-hows, and maybe some of them, but with the right heart, it takes just one to make the first step and the others to contribute into making something happen, kinda like what we did before. But heh. I dunno, I aint trying anymore anytime soon until I find the strength to do so... Feel like an idiot.

Though zx finds that hope through me, I dunno. What if I was that glue? But hey, it'll be kinda like what he face heh? The painful struggles of pulling through and maybe when it reaches that breakthrough, hey ho, everyone glad and happy, but nobody really gives a damn about the pain someone has to go through it fight for this. But heh, see first luh. If anyone wants anything done, it's their turn to prompt.



Oh yea, got some birthday notes from the people around and feel really touched... Heh. .__. some of them writing about my impact in their lives. Argh, that sore spot. Haha, I feel like crying now =P Thanks guys. thanks really a lot. Gonna find you all one by one, and give ya something more in return. It's my culture to. But... really. hahax. that feeling in me cant be described in words... thanks.

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Happy Birthday Nico
Friday, January 14, 2011

Haha wow. It's my birthday today.

To be honest, I forget about it at times, even until 15 minutes before when Huiqi asked if I'm excited. haha owells xP

Oh and nice =.= My mom forgot what age I am and wrote happy 18th birthday. LOL. in the end. my present wrapped in tissue. Got a new wallet. Gonna have to get to use to having a 2nd item in my pocket now .__. Lived without a wallet for 6 months and lol. feels pretty comfortable xD

Anyway. As I compare last year to this year. It's been quite a change. I've grown quite lot. Heh, also that last year I kinda spent birthday feeling alone. And today, I'm learning to receive love by the heck lots of spamming birthday wishes around me =)

Kinda not used to have so much fanfare about me. Been seeing myself as invaluable to others. But as for now, I'm learning, but i'll say hahax, I'm glad I'm being selfless-ish because I think I'm not focusing myself. Even if it's for my birthday. And well, it does feel nice, but =) I like that I'm doing something for someone instead hahax. But yea xD opening myself to receive the heart people take into having me, and making my day special.

Wanna say thanks to a certain few people who went out of their way to do something. Appreciate it a lot. Seems like some people are up to something but lol. I shall not speculate nor expect. =P

Oh, and heh. Hais. I don't really like it, but now my facebook wall is pretty much wiped out by the number of wishes. I kinda prefer my wall to be about me, my statuses, my pictures, wall posts and lol, with the amount of wishes, it's gonna take me a whole lot of clicking on "older posts" to see my past again.

But well. I'm gonna take this as a lesson. The past is gone, and somewhat irretrievable. Shall begin on a new fresh sheet of paper. Shalln't look back but move forward with much growth and victory. ^^ gonna make this a good year.

AND

Well people keep asking me how I'm gonna celebrate my birthday. Shhh, its supposed to be a secret because I shouldn't be boasting, but I'ma write it here to encourage you all =)

I'm gonna do something special this birthday. Something that I normally don't dare do.

Gonna celebrate my birthday by being honest and confessing O.O I want to take time to say something to everyone. Something meaningful, something nice to encourage them, to affirm them, to appreciate them. Just a simple something for people to be loved =D

Haha. Pretty contradictory thing to do on my birthday. To be the one giving. But I really like the idea. Some of them have replied in awkwardness to me hahaha xD

But I'm gonna do all these, to let people know and experience selflessness in action of giving as well as to take time to love the people around me. ^^

And dang. I shall make it a point that my messages to people will outnumber my birthday wishes. Currently Im at 4 messages to 88 wishes... Dam far behind... HAHA Hope tmr wont spend too much time feeling awkward.

Thank you to everyone.

As I blew out the flame of the birthday cake, I silently whispered my birthday wish. "Make me more like You, make me more Christ-like. Make me a vessel of Your love." ^^ *blows*

And more importantly. Thank you God,

for who I am, and your never failing love. Today marks the anniversary You brought me to this world, and that I'll am and will continue to be an everlasting impact to all around me, because You first loved me.

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Disconnected
Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Heh, being at work on my new resolution yea. LOLOLOL

Kinda figured I lacked a whole component which was necessary in terms of love, which was relating.

Ain't quite the best person to talk to, if you havent talk to me before. Even in the midst of certian conversations, there's that weird depersonalization from myself. I wonder if people feel it, because I do.

Been reading this book on how to connect with people and sheesh, it's beyond hard, me being a noob. I realized I'm quite in my own world and unsure of how to talk to others, properly.

In trying to connect, haha copied a reply from the book and haha, feels weird but yea. Interesting. Sometimes end up thinking really hard and still not knowing how to answer "rightly”. Still learning much. This certainly takes me out of my comfort zone but well, for the good that I need to.
Kinda sadded that the more I read, the more I find how disconnected I am, with all its effect. Without much input since young. Say in a certain way, I’ve lost out on a lot of my past years but I guess it’s never too late. It’s also kinda weird to be starting from scratch, as if learning how to talk to people. But heh. Ahaha. Hope it helps me better relate to others.

It's amusing also, seeing me trying out and learning everyday. It's become a more conscious effort to apply it and yea. Heh, wonder if it makes a difference. Hope that it's not too alte either.

Well, I'm working a lot of my resolution. Are you?

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Happily Ever After
Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's often said nothing good comes out of Hollywood. In my recent spam of movies, I reflected and learnt something. The concept of a happily ever after.

After watching a whole bunch of movies, the night ended off with a romance one. Two friends whom dislike each other that were given guardianship of their mutual best friends' 1 year old daughter after perishing in a car accident. The two had to work together, resolving their differences to raise her up.

It reached a part where the guy ruined his career because he had to take care of the child, thus bringing it to his work. At that point of time, things sucked for him. From the character's perspective, he just lost his chance for his dream promotion, he had new responsibilities thrown unto him, and with all his slackish way of life, he now needed to make some good out of it, for others.

My mind paused at that moment. I thought that, nah, as bad as things are, I'm sure he'll be fine, they'll get back together and stuff. Everything will be good in the end. Wont it? And then it dawned upon me as I reflected upon my own life. My friendships. I couldn't say the same. I couldn't see how things would be good for both of us in the future, all I see is a grey cloud, with the fog clearing up bit by bit as I draw near each day.

But, life is life, and movies are movies. We all know it's make belief. It isn't real. It always ends with a happily ever after where all is bliss. The same doesn't happen with life. Maybe that's partially why we like movies. Fantasy. Dreams. The unreal world.

It led me to think about what makes it so unreal. Why are we always so positive about movies. No matter what troubles or dangers the protagonist faces, the difficulties and impossibilities he meets, we're sure he'll make it through. Somehow. I'd like to think of it as the stereotypical concept of "happily ever after".

No matter how bad the present, we are sure something, whatever it is will happen. We know the heroes will always win their fight. Almost every single fight scene the hero will always triumph at the last minute even if the scale is tipped 99-1. It's hard to find a show where the hero loses, for good, without coming back. Even when the Narnians were heavily outnumbered and cornered, Aslan returned at the final moment for victory. Harry Potter no matter how extreme the situation makes it out fine. Can you imagine his number of brushes with death throughout the whole series? And oh, in those love stories, no matter how bad the couple quarrels, or how hard it is for them to be together, it happens (in most of the cases)

Why then would life be so uncertain then. If we were sure some good will happen at the end in movies, why can't we think the same for our lives. How do we see ourselves 10 years from now? Good? Bad? Or a neutral but negatively inclined position. Comparing with the previous point, are movies really that far from reality?

I think, our lives, ought to be the same way. It isn't something just left to be daydreamed or played out on theatre screens. Life shouldn't be bleak and uncertain. There should be that knowledge of our end. A one that knows all will be well and purposeful. Even if the present is bleak, and things seems hopeless, we should have the end in mind, that not only will things be okay, it's gonna be more than ok.

And it's not some lame positive thinking. It's because God's there. All throughout the stories of old, God has shown and fulfilled his promise of good well ending. Seeing past his most desolated and abandoned experiences, Joseph had the faith in God, that whatever it was to be, it was meant for good.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20 (NIV)

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 (NKJV)

It promises of a good for our lives. And all we have is to take hold of it. Having good in our life doesnt just mean a blissful life throughout. It means what's best for us, which through life, be it the struggles and difficulties, God will make good of it. Just like the movies. We can see every part of the story being crucial to the final ending. Whether trial or bliss, each and every moment counts to making that individual into who they are at the end. And that's just how God is in our lives. He's the director of our life.

When it comes to believing that everything will end well, it's sad to think that some people have more faith in movies than in God. Can we have that same, if not stronger, faith in God for our lives?

Life as a movie, if we know the ending we see as good, we know it'll end well. With God as the Author of all scripts, all indeed will be well! We should boast of the same confidence in our end as we did towards fiction. Because the goodness of life is more than fiction or imagination. It's a reality. All we have to do, is to lay claim on the promises of God, to have faith in Him, and know in our hearts that the story; our story, will end well.

To God be the glory.

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My First Love
Saturday, January 8, 2011

It's like any romance movie. We fight and we break, but we come back together after the heat's down and patch up.

I wonder if it was a good thing. Perhaps things finally got too much for you, you had to let it out. Because I finally found the answers I were looking for. To your thoughts, your feelings. About all that we've gone through.

I've found some answers of my own too. I didn't know my reason for loving you. He suggested if there was more to it, and at every angle I looked, I only saw love, somewhat. Until, I saw where it begin.

You were the first one I had opened my heart to unknowingly. Through the first season of our friendship, I guess it had been budding already. I remembered, part of what was conflicting inside me, was the fear of myself opening to you, which I felt was happening, and I didn't want so.

Opening my heart meant unlocking that inner chambers deep within. The part which stored all the love. A lost part of me since years ago. The human part of me which allowed my functioning of a real life, rather than a scripted pre-programmed one.

I guess in a way, you're my first love. Way before the guys. Someone whom I unlocked my heart to, allowing the essence of love to fill my veins again. And to you, my under-develop love slowly grew. I resisted it, but that selfless part kicked in and kept me growing.

I'm really not good at it, connecting and such, and with a really low capacity as well, but I'm trying to learn. We've been through quite a deal, both together and individually. There were moments of hurts but I still want to continue loving you no matter what, even if it's gonna be quite painful. Because I love you, and all the pain doesn't even measure up to that.

And yea, that I might learn how to receive love as well. Something which I hardly feel, and don't know how to. Not something I receive regularly, and a longing I've grown numb to.

Today, I'll say, I love you. I really do. Even though it's filled with intense feelings I don't quite understand, I know that the essence of it is there, and I take faith in believing it. I may not know how to do it right or well, but I'm still learning, and overcoming that awkward feeling in me as well. It's weird I'll say, and it makes me uneasy all the time, but I'll take that step, in fully unlocking that shelved part, and taking the faith to embrace it.

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God and Selflessness
Friday, January 7, 2011

God I hate you =.=

For making me selfless. And for giving me that strength.

Keeping my focus on looking outward rather than on myself suddenly moved my pain away. And all that wants and desires. Somehow, even when confronted with the source, I no longer feel my own pain and hunger, and in it I'm waiting to give out again.

Haaais. I forget every emo or sad feelings right after, that I would think stems from out of both humanness and selfish focus on oneself. Selfish in the sense of having the picture on ourselves, or me personally.

It feels like even though there's a whole lot of unresolved issues, and my desire to receive, I end up picking up my cup and pouring out my spare change into the other's cup instead. That outward force, urgh. Love? A renewed strength to keep giving, tapping on the source of divine strength.

It sucks and annoy me sometimes how good I somewhat am.

And to understand that I don't say it out of pride.

Take it as imagine if you had a heart for old folks and you saw one crossing a road with heavy bags and you're gonna be late for class but you cant help but friggin be compelled to help her even if you're gonna be late and you do it. Even if you dun want to. Some how you just do. And yeap. For a good done, it'll cost you that little bit. but no harm. But over and over again, it takes a little out of you. Your time, maybe your sleep, homework, leisure, maybe you're hungry for a meal, good time with a friend. But love costs, and it is always worth it. No matter how painful.

Hais. Naise =.= this time, it didnt even take a night. It was in a few seconds. Hais. A moment ago, my heart was at the lowest of depths, seconds later. I'm back on my feet. Dang. I don't even have a chance to emo, or ok, I do, but =.= not for long. Look at the vast contrast in emotion just seconds ago... (previous post) Unfair. LOL

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The Chilly Anguish

The winds are really chilly tonight. It's like my heart growing weak and cold. Does anyone even understand the anguish that is tearing at my heart.

All my old wounds are being dug up again. I don't know. But with that single statement, you probably have stabbed me beyond my heart could take as well.

Maybe so much, that I'll lose everything I built up for the past year, in believing myself and such. Each time I ask that same question in foolish hope, only to be given the same answer. And each time, it shreds me apart.

The only thing I can perceive, is that, despite of everything I have done and thought to have done, whoever I was, whatever people commented me for, was nothing, nothing compared to your own hurts. True, your heart has it own epic share of pain, nothing compared to mine, which perhaps makes it more fair for me to take the blow then.

I dunno really, what I am to you. And I aren't sure what you are to me either. I just know, that whatever it is, you've taken a big part of my heart.

Maybe it's a one-sided thing. Maybe I'm a pest, a clingy person, just like before. Maybe, I'm actually nothing to you. It's just me being hopelessly ridiculously calling upon the name of loving someone with my heart that I'm making a clown of myself. Maybe nothing mattered to you.

Maybe that's why you can say such things so cold heartedly to me, and it doesn't matter if it'll going to kill me with every bit of my beating heart.

I'm a fool, to believe that I'm of any value to you. I'm a fool to even dare hold that thought. After all, I'm probably just a nobody. Nothing to you, nothing to anyone.

I'm not going to any more. Not gonna be some egoistic bastard to think I hold that place in anyone. I think the best credit I can assign myself, is probably someone who did make an impact, but nonetheless, nothing big enough to keep by one's side.

I'm sorry for being such an ass. Being so selfish.

You know, I just want to let you know, in the puniest of hope you'll even consider my existence, that as much as you have your hurts, I'm now in so much anguish, my heart sinks to the deepest cavity of my soul. I don't even know how to express that pain in words.

Yea, maybe I'm just doing all these to get attention, so someone would be nice to me and treat me well. An outcry to those might care. But hey, I don't ask for pity. I just want to be valued and love for who I am, and not when because I'm emoing and thus someone does it. And then, I just want to know that, even as valueless as I am towards others, it isn't truth.

Why. That the one of those few that I decide to open my heart to has to be the one who kills me the most. I cant help but think of you as selfish sometimes, being engrossed in your own self, you neglect mine. But hey, who am I to judge, I'm probably worst that what you could have done, besides, I'm nothing for anyone to give a damn about. I probably deserve it, but being such a ignorant fool into trying to "love" you in my lofty noble ideals.

And even now, it's replaying in my head. Back then it's wishing my mom would care, but no, I was alone. Now, I wishing you would care too. But no, why would you. Why would anybody. Why would anyone want to give a damn about this piece of shit. In the end, I'm still alone. Facing everything by myself, struggling till one day I find that breakthrough.

I think I understand you wanna protect yourself too. After all, I shouldn't be worth the pain. I wished you're forget me if it's going to cause you so much pain. I wish my existence will disappear and that you'll never know me hence forth.

Somehow, I keep pushing back. I just can't walk out, but I wish I could. The pain is unbearable. This suffering is wearing me. Yet each time I think of dropping everything, I know from my point of selflessness, that if I'd simply walked away, I'd be missing out on all the good things I could do for another life. Though I'm not sure if it even makes a difference to you. I'm just hoping, something good, even if it's small, will happen for you.

But you know. Maybe, if you really want to get rid of me, you should just tell me you don't want to be friends with me anymore. It's more harsher if it came from you instead. Sorry if you have to be the bad guy. But at least, it should break my heart so dam hard, I'll never recover to find you again. That works?

But I guess I'm just being selfish rite. To want to mean something, it's always about me feeling worthless... Maybe I'm just being a bloody ass and throwing everything on you.

Right now, I just want to break down and cry, but no... I'm gonna keep myself strong for you and the people around me. My tears aren't going to help anyone.

As worthless as I might be, I still am going to add value into the lives of others in whatever ways I can.

Pray that I'll find a renewed strength tomorrow. God please help me. On Your shoulders right? =(

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Happy Birthday Hq
Thursday, January 6, 2011

It's your birthday today =) I should be happy for you. I'm trying to.

probably doesnt mean much, but I hope each birthday adds meaning to your life.

I think I'm probably an ass. Being some selfish emo dude. I tried saying a few words, but I couldn't bring myself to. Maybe I'm not much of a liar. I couldn't handle that few fake smiles before I felt unreal. All these to miss out on doing something special for you.

Silence.

Doesnt mean anything to you anyway. Owells.


It's been an interesting journey with you. From just another quiet classmate, to someone with a past, and right now, someone who is part of my present. I'll remember you for life definitely. It's been a adventurous friendship anyway.

I'm unsure what brought my heart to you. Cycle after cycle, a love the pushes me to selflessness towards you. You're different than anyone else I ever had in my life. Just felt compelled to keep giving.

Through the seasons, I feared you. You're someone close to opening my heart, I didnt want to them down, I didnt dare risked it. In the end, my walls broke down, and my heart was open to love you. I chose to.

Our bond has been a roller coaster ever since. We've progressed along the months, with our share of up and downs. Things were good, and reached the point of genuineness. And the there were breakdowns, I guessed I needed to learn as well. I think I was too selfish, all these while.

Things arent going the best they can now, but i just wan to say, I treasure this friendship a lot. and I hope that something good and come out of it, for the both of us. Whatever, difficulties that we face, I hope that I wont be bogged down by it in giving you my best.


It's your birthday anyway. Maybe you might not do it, so here's my wishes for you. I have a whole list of wishes, I wonder if they all count haha.

I hope you'll be happy, wherever you go. I hope you enjoy yourself, whatever you do. I hope you'll find that love for yourself. I hope you'll find someone that loves you, and completes the missing pieces in you. I hope you'll find someone who wouldn't hurt you. I hope you'll find someone who brings that smile to your face every day. I hope you'll find someone who will be your closest friend, companion, and partner. I hope you'll have a confidant and secured place where you can be yourself in comfort. I hope you'll have a happy family who loves you. I hope you'll look forward to each day with excitement.

They say hoping is useless, but at least I know for myself, that all I have once thought was impossible, have become realities for me, and I'm sure they will be for you too, one day. ^^

Happy to hear that you had a good birthday this year, even though I didn't get to celebrate it with you. But yea, hope there will be more experiences like that for you in the time to come =D

Happy Birthday ^^

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Stabbing My Heart

Feeling pretty heartbroken now.

I think I probably am not worth anything enough for you to care.

And it sucks how much I wish I could give up and throw away everything, yet for the sake of love and selflessness, I'm still hanging on. With the last bit of my strength.

Even though no one gives a dam about that. Probably you too. Makes it feel so pointless. Does it even make a difference to you, do you even care? Or am I just that nobody you can walk out on, just like everyone else.

Baaa. It sucks, when I'm fighting this all alone. Doesnt do me any good at all, whenever you tell me to forget everything and give it up.

I dont want to tell you how much I'm struggling. You don't even care anyway. Yet with each tiny hope to believe a miracle, I only prove myself to be a fool. And yet I still go on.

Hais. I wish I could just drop everything, and forget. Why the hell do I even continue this, the way you treat me sometimes.

I'm such a bloody fool. I know I suck, I aint the best fella one could ask. Feel like shit each time I hurt you as well, with my selfishness, being in my own comfort, don't doing enough, being dam insensitive, being an idiot. I condemn myself each time I see you bleed. Yet after all that, I keep hurting you over and over again. I should stop trying to be someone to you. I'm not even worthy to be your friend. Maybe that's why I deserve all this.

I think it's all lies when you say I'm something. Even if I do, I'm probably just a slightly more important, piece of trash. Something worthless enough to throw away anytime, whatever the reason.

After all this, it'll only be back to square one. A heartless bruising for me being a loving fool. Why.

Love holds me together each time you tear me apart. I cant even bring myself to blame you. Why do I have to go through all this heart-aches. Why would you bother anyway.

Maybe it's just my way of selflessness. Suicide towards you. Having no meaning in myself. Keeping in the faith something good will turn out for you. Even if it is something as little as a single smile. Even if it means stabbing myself in the heart every day.

I've lost myself at this. I could go on in circles about how much I want to leave you, yet I'm incapable of turning my face away. At the end of the day,

I selfishly ask myself, what do I get out of all this suffering. If things are good, you'll walk out of this 3 years having gain something for a moment, even if things had to end. Whereas I, will be out bloody and bruised. I'm dumb maybe, to keep giving when I unneeded.

I hate you with my flesh, but I love you with my heart.

Why.

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Midnight Chat
Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Had a phone call with zx that lasted through the night lol.

Lasted for 3.5 hours o.O mmm, well, interesting time ba, and I woke my bro up O.O oh shit. Talked thru some stuff with me being quite an ass xD not quite a phone-y (phony?! O.O) since I'm not quite a talker. But kinda more comfortable doing so since it's him and it's waaaay more easier to hold a conversation without thinking what to say next. The goodbye part struck a vague memory within of petty arguments over being the last to put down the phone.

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"The only thing we can change about our future is the present."

Yea. We all want a good future, comfortable life, with the treasured people around us, with happy moments. But all these doesnt come just by daydreaming. Effort is needed to pursuing these dreams by which covers both getting the good, and overcoming the bad.

Since I'm a bit more negative, I'm gonna focus more on the latter. We all have and had problems. You, me, friends, and even those who with smiles painted on their face.

The past does a lot to make us who we are today, each day adding a page to it. Past hurts, neglect, mistakes shape the way of our present, characterizing us with traits of both strengths and weaknesses.

Many of these past issues lingers on in subtle roots of attitudes and beliefs. In my opinion, causing us to not trust others easily, being defensive, building walls, pushing people away, being irrationally bad to those around us.

The past always catches up with us, no matter how far we run, hide, or avoid it. One moment we may be good, the next moment every emo shit comes rushing in and throwing us into a pit of melancholy.

We at times, like to delude ourselves into thinking our problems are the worst, followed by wallowing in self-pity. But as much as we'd wish the world to shower its love and "sympathy" for us, we need to know one thing, there's always one in a worse plight than us.

Such as those who fret over not having enough money, where others have to work while having school just to help out with their household expenses. Some complain about hating their home, others don’t even have on to return to. Those who feel like as if their friends don’t like them or care about them, some don’t even have friends and are lonely to begin with.

Indeed, all problems faced by an individual are subjected to a personal degree of difficulty. Thus if one prefers to compare whose worse off, I'll think that the only criteria for judging that position is the one who does nothing about it, and sits there whining to himself, pitying himself of his sorry state. Yeap, which means to say that even starving kids in Africa, who carry water over long distances just to bathe their siblings is better than you.

Even if help comes our way, we'll just be a burden to the one who's there, not because we become an extra load to them, but because we're not doing anything, sapping on their strength, time and effort, it isnt quite fair to them eh. Especially for those who are waiting for some sort of help to come their way before they do anything. It's being horribly selfish to those giving their part of their lives to help you even in the genuine state of your difficulties.

In our focus on self, we underestimate the power of the will. I find that it's mostly due to our own selfishness of wanting to be helped, or to take strength into facing and overcoming the problems. But I think that we all are able to, together with the mutual effort of those there for us.

Like a quote from Naurto:
If he rips my legs off, I’ll bite him to death!
If he rips my head off, I’ll stare him to death!
And if he gouges out my eyes, I’ll curse him from the grave!
Even If I’m torn to shreds, I’m taking Sasuke back from Orochimaru!"
No matter how bad the circumstances is, we all still can do something, even if it boils down to just having faith to believe.

Bringing back to the point of people who seem troubleless. Not true. People all have their own troubles, big or small, but its the strength that them through, and the outward perspective of removing one self from the equation (Tron =P) that keeps that smile on their face. They become genuinely happy, in the midst of their problems, a mixture of both troubled yet with hope.

There are people who have demonstrated strength in overcome their adversities, and by overcoming doesnt imply that everything's over. Overcoming includes fighting and not letting oneself fall even in hard times. Pulling through. Such behind a smile of a girl I've only heard, tells of a story of neglect, abuse, responsibility yet she pulls through each day with strength and a positive smile, to people unknowingly around her.

Our problems are big on its own measure, hopelessly difficult to us. But I think it's good if we could have the mindset to actively work on it, inch by inch, rather than wait for it to disappear on its own. No one can help you if you refuse to help yourself. As hard as it is, it's overcoming the sluggish inertia, once that gets going, it becomes much much easier, and meaningful.

In a way, it brings it to having to be selfless, looking past oneself, of the right to be "treated nicely and concerned", for dwelling in the problems and pass all your weakness from a point of having to do what's necessary.

I think at the end of the day,

it isn't about how much problems you have, its about what you're gonna do about them.

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Turning Stones
Monday, January 3, 2011

Yeap, I'm cool. hahaha. God's still just as quick as ever =P Never does last for a day and I'm glad I'm changing my perspective to fit objectivity.

Not distancing myself because I'm scared and stuff. I just want to take a step back to look a the whole picture again, and set these motive checks to guard myself. Learnt a hard lesson, though it didnt cost much, there were plenty of heartbreaks and remorse.

Gonna keep things in focus of love. Shall battle my selfishness as much as possible. =)


anyway, it's really lovely and heart warming to see people grow. And ego-ly I think it's nice to know I'm a part of it. Yea but more so it's all the things we've done, we arent aware the full extent of it, but it doesnt hurt to do good for others.

Wait actually it does. But it's totally worth it =P

Nice to see different people growing, and developing especially the juniors ^^ Them displaying their strengths, taking the faith to believe in themselves for who they are. Sweet indeed.

Some of them shared their growth from the things that have happened, and I'm touched and happy to see things going down a positive path.

The most heartwarming message each time someone comes up to me and thanks me and say, "you have changed my life". Woooo, the amount of sheer true happiness bubbling up in the heart, enough to melt the hardest of hearts.

Thanks for all those who shared their experiences and affirmed me for the little actions which I can only claim the joy from choosing to do so. Really appreciate it beyond what my words can say, but beyond the depths of my heart, that you may hear my grateful plea. Helps in my own struggle of value too =P

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Crossed The Line
Sunday, January 2, 2011

Tried something stupid and stupid it was.

Was much disappointed by the reply, finding no answers to what I wanted. A voided response. Was looking out for something personal, but all I got was nothing.

Felt like a fool after that. A real one.

Out of my own selfishness, I crossed the line, failing you, and in a bigger blow, failing myself and the standards I've set for myself.

Pretty much disappointed at myself for succumbing to a moment of folly and selfishness, causing myself only to be ashamed of what I've done. Took an adventure out only to fall into trouble, knowing full well the dangers.

Haven't been guarding myself well lately. Hard lesson to learn. Mourning for my wrong as I cried out in despair, why, why have I allowed myself to fail.

It's something sensitive for me. Something I hold high in moral standards. I feel dam lousy making that mistake. Don't think anyone would understand much, a mistake of forsaken selflessness. Nothing much to the world, but a grave offence I've incurred.

You know, I don't want to make that kind of mistake ever again. And so, I don't want to ever put myself in that position. It's an unstable area, with desires flaring up often.

And dealing with you isnt easy striking that perfect balance. It's either too much overdone, or too little under-do. I cant set my mind straight without getting influenced by my affections. Either restraint or indulgence.

I'll admit this mistake has made me feared once again, but I rather err on the side of caution. I'm promising myself, that this topic will never ever come to light again, whether to you, myself or any other. I don't want to risk those mistakes again. I don't want to entertain such things again.

As for now, I purpose to cut of all affections in relations to you. My purpose and priority to you should be just of a friend, pure selfless relation. Nothing more than any selfish desires.

The problem is you're a girl, and it isn't possible for me to lay aside every brick without all these stirring. An I don't want to put myself and you in risk either. I guess I wont be able to be 100% genuine then, having that constant motive checks to keep me in place.

As for now, I guess I'll need a slight break. Gotta take a step back and relook the whole picture and that I can regulate my feelings properly once again. Since I dont think I can reach that state of entire removal of my wall, we'll just have to make do with lesser.

I wish we could all just restart from the beginning, and pretend this never happened. But things wont be that way. I wanna restart this friendship, keeping the experience, discarding the past influence. Owells. Was never an easy journey and never will be. With half a year left, it's up to you how ya want it ba.

Friends for now, and till then.

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