Was listening to "Angels Cry". I finally understood the part which Neyo sang.
I thought we'd be forever and always You were serenity You took away the bad days Didn't always treat you right But it was OK I do somethin' stupid And you still stay with me
But you can only go for so long Doing the one you claim to love wrong Before too much is enough You look up Find your love gone And
We were so good together How come we could not weather This storm and just do better Why did we say goodbye
I indeed thought we'll be forever. I promised you it. Never realized how much I took you for granted. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. No point beating myself over it, I only have to make it right.
You know, what different about us and the final part of the song is that:
We were good together, and storms we will weather, big or small, near or far, in voice or in silence, hands held or apart, I will, as best that I can, give my heart in exchange for yours.
I'm weak, but I love you. And thus we wont just be fighting for each other, we'll be fighting for something greater we're meant to be.
I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile.
I'm immensely grateful, and gratified for even a chance to live out the scenes of my daydreams; the ones of my everyday secrets. The painful feelings, that touch of humanity in me, it hurts more that it's real now, but I'm more than content that I actually got to experience it, feel it, live it.
Brings me back a decade, the elation, jumping and kicking from the excitement. I had friends for company, and everyone was contributing a part. I didn't need to be on the lookout for giving. Being able to relax, enjoy the moment as natural as I could. The interactions, the play, the exchanged smiles. The comfort I found in your presence. A happy kid, as easily amused as a game of tag at the neighbourhood playground.
Morning came and I expected the end. Until I casually asked if I could have you both over. You agreed. I was deliriously happy inside, as though it was my first time having friends over. Together on the couch, and I couldn't imagine how blessed I was, having two whom I could hold as friends, sitting snugly together. The tussles we had, resisting and stubbornly not giving despite being overpowered completely. Falling asleep together from fatigue. The htht we had, taking turns to cry.
And when time drew to a close, I couldn't bear to let go. All I wished if I could, was to return back to where we started, living the dream endlessly, even if it was only for a day. Everything felt so unreal, having both of you, together in embrace. When it was time to part, my heart bitterly fought against falling out of reality. My heart broke, as I watched the two of you slowly departed, like the ascension of angels.
I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile. It was time to wake up.
But I know in my heart, when I close my eyes and start to dream, there, I will find you waiting, and so shall we meet again.
Studied overnight at airport with hq and zx hahax, enjoyed the time. Spent almost 3/4 of a full day straight in the cushy seats of macs o.O read 4 chaps though. =)
Came back and got knocked out, woke later at 9pm to the sounds of the gates which I thought was my mom going out to work in the morning. Super disorientated and like my thursday just disappeared.
Anyway, some thoughts on my mind for quite some time...
I think I'm too prideful for myself. Judgmental as well. Hais, I pride myself greatly too much in my own knowledge that I become way too subjective, in my words, actions, and attitude. I wanna wish but wishing is useless, need to keep myself in check.
Though sometimes I think it the repercussions of such crappy attitude and way of handling things that causes my standing towards people, I'm just not worth it I guess. But owells, used to it, it's only just a dream. Til then, I'll keep on this fantasy.
I finally found you back. After all this while, when this problem arised, I felt I lost that part of you in my heart.
Finally, we've cleared out everything, finding the relationship between us, now strengthened by experiences and knowledge.
This year, you wanted to cherish me, all with good intents, gave me your all, finding someone strong enough to do it; the selfless side of you. You left me, and replaced yourself with someone else, your compassionate masked hero. Maybe that's when I started feeling distanced. I didn't need all the added concern, it made me feel like I lost touch of you. I couldn't feel you anymore. Me being the typical lousy friend, slowly lost consciousness of you, and no longer feeling you, wandered off, lost and alone.
Right now, I'm so grateful that my heart is restored with everything I had for you. I missed you so terribly bad.
Zhixiong, I don't need you to be some strong person for me. I just need you to be who you are, weak, flaws, passion, dreams, fears, anything and everything you have not allowed yourself to be since who knows when. Zhixiong, this friendship is to be a home for us, where we return to reside, where we relax and chill out together. We look out for each other, maybe have a little tussle every now and then to spice things up. Zhi Xiong, you're my family, and all I ever need from you, is you truly.
For now, that I've finally experienced and understood the feelings of home, I don't want it just to be begin me and you. I want it to be for everyone else as well. People, with genuine relationships, bonded together. We may not be our best, we at the very least, we are who we are. And how I wish, that I will be able to share these bonds with everyone, together, in a love community.
Once again those issues resurface. I shalln't emo about it, but it's still the same matters from every friendship. I find that while people are my friends, I'm dont find myself being their friend.
I don't think I'm the friend material. It's always aout me forming relationships, only for it to break down sometime after. And if I were to put in effort it'll only amount to an occasional on/off moments where I appear in and out of the friendship.
One thing about me is that I lack the initiative to pursue people. Really. Unless I actually think of you and some objective that has to be met, I find no purpose in chasing. I'm not saying this to absolve me of my failure to pursue people. Just that I find it very tedious to "catch up" with people when I find no need to.
Looking back into my past, I never was pursued by anyone. I know the only pursuit I had was for my best friend, whom didnt really did the same for me. As I grow up, I got used to that isolated state, feeling ok with it. I'm not sure, but I do believe this causes me to have little or no value in terms of pursuing people. I'm fine alone (not that it's that good for me).
Sucks though, for those who are my friends whom are left with someone who only appears when he finds a need to, and then disappears afterward. Someone inconsistently unpredictable when the next chance the friendship will be active again.
Hais. I find myself being more comfortable as a good person rather than a good friend. A friend bears the responsibility for the other friend. Whereas, me being a good person, merely have a duty of just helping ppl and then moving on. Owells. Both good and bad. if I keep helping lotsa people and everyone wants become friends then I think I'm sure to be overwhelmed.
Nonetheless, I guess there's more to life than being a good person. Shall work on being a friend now. but, I'd like to remove my label as a friend. I find that I don't really deserve it. But I will work for it, whatever little I have, God will make it great.
But I had to do what's right, for you, even if it means losing you as a friend. I did it against your wishes, broke confidentiality, and am deciding to present you before your parents.
I'm sorry.
But I love you too much to watch on and let your life go to destruction. To chose between your present unhappiness versus a lifetime of guilt, regret and who knows what else, I'll have to choose the former.
I cannot let you err in your ways any more. You have gone pass the danger zone way too far out. You're standing by the edge looking ahead, mesmerized by the illusion of selfish pleasures, blinded of the deathly fall front a step. You're no longer even able to help yourself. There was a first time and with it, a second chance, but not this time, because there is absolutely no room for a third mistake.
Doing all these to protect your life, even though you probably wont enjoy it, I have the faith you will become better out of it. I know and believe you will. And that true freedom wouldn't be anything compared to that which you desire to possess now.
It isn't easy for me. It's going to cost me as well.
People may judge me, curse me, spit on my feet, and walk away. I'll most likely be labeled as a bad guy for this, hated for all this. Maybe no one will trust me again, or be friends for that matter. I could easily lose everything I hold dear to me. It'll suck, but at least I know that I've saved yours. I might even lose the trust of another person close to my heart... I think I will.
But screw all of that. Even if I've to lose everything in my world, I'll do it for you. I love you, and you're my friend. This might be the last thing I'll ever have with you as a friend but owells. Love costs, and it's worth every drop of my blood to keep yours.
I'm sorry once again my friend, but love overcomes all. God be with you.
Psalms 23:3 He restores [your] soul. He guides [you] in the path of righteousness, for His name sake.
Sometimes, in hate lies a degree of love. This "hate" refers to the people you have in your heart. Friends, Family, People.
When we love someone, we give them our love. Something like giving them part of our hearts. And that's something you cant take back. It's not that you lose part of your heart so you should limit the giving, but that perhaps in an analogy written their names on places of your heart.
You can't take back that which was given out, you cant take back love, you only stop giving. So whatever it is, you will always have a portion of love that they own of you. It's just how small it is, or how much it is compared to other mitigating factors, say, hurts, disappointments Neither can you hate the people you once loved, family, close friends, and anyone you placed close to your heart, (including ex-s).
You loved them and always will, somewhere deep inside.
Maybe "hate" no longer is the word. It's anger. Anger for all the pains and hurts felt because you loved them. These hurts slowly build up to overshadow that love, defense mechanism kick in to cope with the pain, closing up to the agonizing feelings of that "unrequited" love.
But in the end, as much as we say we really hate someone, I believe we still have a albeit tiny spark left. If that person we hate, parent, sibling, friend, ex, were to disappear of this earth, if you would have for one second that little tingle in you, then I'll be touched to tell you, you, deep down in your heart, still love that person.
And I have faith, that love never fails, no matter how small it is.
You will feel the weight Of the world Raining down on your shoulders You wanna run To the shadows you know I'm gonna bring You the light At the end of the tunnel If you only let me If you could only let me
We've disagreed On the terms And the road that we're taking That doesn't mean That we can't work it through I know we can I know we can I'm on your side So understand
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be (I will always be) Fighting for you
Oooooooooh
Talk to me now Open up We can pick up the pieces I'm not about To let you fall through I know too well How you are Why you think what you're thinking I'm not gonna fade No, I'm not going away
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be Fighting for you
With everything I have Fighting for you And I'm not holding back Everything is on the line And I'm willing to try
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see (Can't you see) That no matter what (No matter what) I'm gonna be (I'm gonna be) Fighting for you
I'm gonna be Fighting for you
I'll always be Fighting for you
Credit to yvette for intro-ing the song.
These words cant mean any truer than they already are to me, for you. After all that we've been through, I ain't ever letting you go.
It's been one of the best and heartfelt experience I ever had in life, having you. Every moment, that connection, that love.
You've done for me a lot in ways you'll never see nor understand. Without you, I'll never imagine what it would ever be like, to have someone to share my heart to, to share my life with. Without you, I'll never have life this way.
But I was foolish, and I took you for granted. I never really looked out for you, the same you would for me. You came into my world; I hardly stepped into yours. You felt my pain and sorrows, you shared my joy and bliss, but, how much have I ever understood yours. My life was filled with so much selfishness, I could only think for myself.
Through this, I've come to see how much I've neglected you. You were my friend, but I wasn't one to you. How I've took everything of you for granted. You goodness, your heart, your pains. You were always there when I needed you, and perhaps that became the biggest reason why I only did.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I feel unworthy of you, ruining the heart of a fine young man. Feel like nothing I've ever done was ever for you. I'm hiding behind the remorse while presenting a smile to you. I owe you, I really do.
When you return it, it hurt my heart. I know you valued me more than it. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to accept it, I didn't wanted it to mean the end of things. At the same time, it was, the only thing I put my heart and soul into, and that I gave you. Giving it back was like telling me to take back my heart.
How could I, still desire to be selfish. I still wanted you, but I wasn't sure I could pay off for what I claimed. It wouldn't be fair for you, it never was. I almost lost one, I wasn't prepared to lose another. You had the right.
This will be our first ordeal, something I need to bear. Not as a burden, a difficulty perhaps, a need for me to become stronger. Love bears no burden nor cost, for all is counted worth, because love is far greater than the pain or anguish I may bear to find you again. The days may be tougher without you, but I'll pull through.
I wear this now, as a symbol of our friendship, the mark of a lost friend. It will remind me, a day never without you. I hope one day I can rightfully return this, when I no longer need it. It'll one day be yours, again.
I think I might forget this day. But at least I don't think I will ever forget you.
Thanks for the courage.
It was the second time, but, when I turned, I saw those arms, spreading out, and around me. Time suddenly slowed down. That scene has been burned into my mind. Like dreams unfolding into reality.
It felt unreal, that warmth. of another's body. of another's love.
The feelings quickly fade, as back when it was only a daydream. A daydream, it may have been. Sometimes it seems so real it hurts, because I dont wanna let go
Thank you.
I have never, gotten a hug, with love before, by her. I'm grateful.
After some recent events, I realized when it comes to friendship, I'm all back at one.
I haven't really know how to connect still. Friendship. Not sure who are my friends now, or whether I do have any.
I think, when people normally make friendship, through personal communication and interaction, their worlds merges. Bit by bit, two worlds come together as one. How closely merge depends on how much both are willing to let each side come in.
"Personal touch"
I've never really felt it. What it is like, neither do I think I actually possess it. I actually make friends without bringing myself into it, certain things of me is in there, but somehow never my spirit. In a sense, I think I would put it as people may be friends with me, but they don't feel me.
"Worlds"
I use to love drawing diagrams for my blog when I was younger, help me speak out what's in my head. So yea, here's a little diagram about my picture of "worlds".
The top two circle represents an individuals world. The left bottom represents what I think of proper friendship is. And the last... is my way of making friendship.
I've never really entered in someone's world. I don't dare. I haven't tried for a long time, but the fear still lingers. Rejection has been a major part of my life growing up, any little bit of it, even a joke, could unleash all the pain again. I remember how a single comment of being called "irritating" got me emoing the rest of the day.
I no longer dare knock on the doors of others. I know. I always get this fearful feeling whenever building up that friendship. Questions race through my mind if I should do this, or that, or none at all. I fear, being pushed away by others. I can't handle any interaction naturally. Either consciously or at the back of my mind I'll be considering every step, guided by logic and fear. I don't want to be rejected by others.
Each time, I'm pushed away, or that I have a door closed upon, I question my worth. Guess I'm not worth it, sometimes maybe a real privacy is needed, and other times, I guess, it's just me being nothing to them. and it sucks.
And hence, I grown to protect myself from that pain. It's a balance between a withdrawal and an outward giving. I think I've done well. Remember the 4th circle? the one with red and blue. It represents my way of building friendships. It's quite effective actually, just not good at it. I don't dare knock on the door of another, or even step into their world. I don't want to be pushed out, to find myself having no place there. Hence, I create a parallel world to theirs, building it up with my own cognition I have acquired along my journey. It's mostly red to begin with, built by the things I know, or understand as fundamentals, along with some subjective perceptions, things like love, value, belonging, defense mechanism, and maybe sorts that I have deemed universal. And then slowly, whenever possible, I replace what I know with what I have found out from them; the blue parts.
This is why I tend to appear, and be judgmental. Much of my mental framework of someone is mostly built by me, and where there may be the correct parts, many times things are subjective and out of my own pride, enforced as correct. Got to learn really, to put down my pride. Really.
I don't know. I guess most people would shoot me for my pride, or judgmental self, which I'm rightfully accused for, something I cannot deny. Though, I sometimes wish, people could enter my world, and understand mine. But hey, really, why would anyone? I'm not even in theirs, why should I expect anybody to fight to come into mine.
But then again, at the end of the day, I get the best of both worlds, to protect myself, and to give, but similarly, I get both the worse. To feel alone, and that I will fail in giving my all. I'm deciding, why not, try again. It's been so long right. Maybe the world has changed, after all, the people around me are different already right.
I dunno, I think I'm going to try opening my heart once more. Step out of my world. Opening up, I'm expecting more hurts might come, but I guess I'll give it another chance, try knocking on every door, if not, it always be as I was used to, alone. It's already hurting the first few days, but well, I'll need to learn to cope with the pain right. Heh, I hope things wont hurt too badly. It's comforting actually, when I get to feel that personal side of me. gonna be another learning journey I guess.
I dont want to just be a good person, I want to be a good friend too.
----============*~*~*~*============----
And, I think, I'm quite a nice person actually. I really have that good side of me. But lol, I dont think many people know that. =P Have it hidden somehow, it only surfaces when someone needs it a lot. I just put aside everything that I am and be there for them, my raw self.
but yea, I fear that personal touch and thus, I somehow have been portraying a bad guy image. A offensive persona that pushes people away. Like by my words, act aloof, the way i be mean to others. Heh, all just a way of getting people away from me.
Sometimes, we reject ourselves first before anyone would have a chance to. Its safer knowing that we're the one, not them causing the pain.
and that's how it is for me. I'd rather play like a bad guy and feel that my rejection is justified rather than be that nice side and be pushed away. I guess I'm too selfish to open myself fully to give.
But heh, lol. It's all just for show only. There's a soft spot/backdoors to assessing me but haha, guess the defenses are working to keep people away. Well, then again, only those who genuinely want to befriend me who fight through those walls right?
The recent occasions have reminded me how much I felt uncomfortable as being seen as a good person. I cant contain the idea of seeing them think im nice, giving them chocs or writing notes. Hahax. Owells. It's funny like how I've been treating her meanly, yet behind her, I've been looking out for her. But owells. hahax. Sometimes I prefer it that way. Be a masked hero :D On the surface be a bad fella, and behind the scenes do good stuff hehex. Need to train my ninjaing skills. >=]
The curtains closed, the music stops, the lights turn on.
Another sem of hiclub is over. It's another sem, with a new set of cherished memories.
Class 2A, Hear me out, experiences with the main comm, pushing song signing.
Class 2a first, really enjoyed my time teaching them, especially the later few weeks when I really let loose myself into my naturally lame self. HAHA. Kinda glad that the student got entertained and class was more fun for them, and at least they were more responsive to my previous class, they laugh together at my lameness.
The final time togther during the closing ceremony was my most memorable, never been so close to my class before, finally felt together with them. Though little in number but ti really warmed my heart to see them talking. Would love to teach them again. I'm looking forward to teaching intermediate next sem hahax.
Closing comm wise, I was part of entertainment team. Things were kinda late but I think we pulled off, a, seriously, imba, nice show. Together with the help of Jesca, Kenji, Glenda, Tim, & Joyo. Had a lot of fun =P and I think we did really great. Loved the roar of applause throughout the performance and the final ovation.
As for performances, heh, guess I've deproved... screwed up both my performances, its embarassing, but I also felt my standard dropped. Got sihui as my partner though :D Song choice was nice.
that would be to the closing ceremony per se but I guess my takeback would be the graduation of the seniors. Next it'll be our turn. I wonder what 3rd year is like. We wont have any seniors, we will be them. Not sure, but I dont really dare look into my residing fade off from hiclub, but well, will see as we go. Hi Club has been such a big part of my life, it feels weird thinking of letting go. Made some new friends as well, touched some, impacted few, learn from their perspectives, taught many.
I guess to me, hiclub was more than just a cca, it was my passion, my life, my family, my heart, my people, my home. Hope, the 3rd year wouldn't be a painful one.
thought of giving out chocs and notes to others, but I didnt really have to guts to. Only did for a few people. had 7/16 chocs left, which I ate on my own.
kinda half sad half funny thought, people would think aww so sweet, he's eating valentine's choc. but then I'm kinda just eating leftover chocs whichever mine, to begin with ._.
Heh, maybe, it's my first too. For the spirit of it. Been looking towards today since last month. But yea, glad I guess. Today just added two "first"s to you.
and for a side note, it may offend some people but here's a random thought...
"what's with all the talk abt ok being single on valentine. Come on, if it really was ok, it wouldnt matter which day it is. Quit whining, really."
hm. talked a bit about receiving to zx. and the call from hq.
I'm not sure actually. I think for quite a long time, I haven't receive much, aside from zx. In fact, I think I'm giving more than receiving. but as I reconsider, not possible for me to give out more than I receive. You cant go deficit in goodwill. Had a source I never knew was there. I guess God kept me going, during the times I looked upon Him, and eve the times I forgot.
Though I'm still greedy, I long to receive from humans, in the ways I need. It's been so long, I realized I dare not open my heart. You know those weird feelings when you wished for something so hard, but when it's there you run away from it. I haven't really opened my heart I guess. Whether or not those are really out there.
Randomly thought about me giving someone, would they ever know. And then reflected on whether I did feel that way too:
I wonder how many times we have been loved by the people around us unknowingly, and life was made better, because they were there. And all the while, here we were crying out for a love we never realized existed just outside our doors.
-- Nico
But heh. You. To be honest, I've long gave up expecting anything in return from you. I could only wish, but that's as far as it gets. You gave, and I was quite awkward. But it meant a lot to me. I really, dont know if that day comes, neither do I know how to react to it. Maybe it'll be a dream come true, but I think it would be something I dare not touch.
Truly, I look towards a day, where I can be a recipient of a unconditional dedicated love which would stay through all time, residing even among my understanding, my needs, but it's only a fantasy to me. It's something simple, but I guess I'm not worth anything of it. Just hope to gleam off any extras that may cross my path =) Though each tiny brush off sparks out the whole desire again.
Maybe that's why I like the loft. Secret desires. Twice, both ceremonies event gave me comfort by two peeps. Guess they never knew how much that meant to me. But yea, just that simple small gesture, warms my heart to the very depths. I'd wish it'll last forever, but I'm grateful for the memories.
Well, once again I'm sure the longing is rekindled, but I guess I'll learn to open my heart to all the sources as well. I cant just sit around a cry for a ideal love. As much as being loved is a human need as hunger, we cant sit around waiting to satisfy craving and that only, pushing away all other food. of course one goes hungry. Love itself, should not be expected in any form, but freely received too I guess? Gotta open my eyes and heart to learn to receive.
Hahax, nonetheless, I'll be moving on. going about doing something. i've slack for quite sometime. I need to pull up my socks once again. Start giving :D
Suddenly I think through my daily life and stumble upon a thought I havent realized for quite some time.
Friends. I don't really have any... Few maybe.
To clear tings first, this wouldn't discount people treating me as friends, but me treating them as friends also.
I find myself mostly doing everything alone, even when I'm with people. I rarely have a good conversation with anybody. Is it common? Maybe it is for introverts, but heh, I dont want it that way, I'd to have meaningful conversations with people.
Friends, temporal? It's seems tangible, close to touch, yet I cant grasp it. Did I lose something along the way? Am I being too selfish? Fears? Incompetency?
I think I'm doing it way too technically. I cant really remember being relaxed when making friends. I dont think I know how to in the first place. Baaah. I should stop being so technical and just open up, to receive. At most just go thru the hurts again.
Maybe I'll have to learn again this semester then. It's been so long, but heh.
Going down very soon.All I need to recharge me a little is just a bit of genuine interaction between people, seeing life inspires me on somehow but yea, CNY, assignments, duties, I looked forward for loft-stay to be a heartwarming experience but heh.
Being putting so much, I'm starting to feel the drain, and my sensors indicating my need for input. Yet, I dont see any source anywhere. Once again, feeling things are being unfair. Me having to keep giving out, yet having no input.
Responsibilities and commitment. There's so much things I need to do. Blargh. And feeling lonelier than ever, yet covered by the will to do good for them, I've forgotten about myself. And when I do, I find myself alone, and fighting it out. Thing are tough, everyone has their own personal battles to fight in equal proportions of difficulty.
Seems no one's there for me. Everyone's got their life. One's busy with added responsibilities, one's outta contact, the last one is busier than ever, no time and space for me. And then I remembered another person who said would be there. I had the chance, I just didn't have the guts to say. And to the others, I'm probably invisible. Everyone has their own lives.
The loneliness is chilling. I wonder if it's linked to my lower cold tolerance lolol. But, hais. Not that I do it very well or often, but I do try my best. Just kinda hurts, that at the end of the day, when I'm in need, no one's there. Maybe it's just bad timing, everyone's tired as well.
Don't need things to be fair to do what's right. Things never will be fair. But at least within my power and abilities, that I can make things slightly fairer for another person.
Owells. Lonely day today. Everyone's busy. My phone's dead. No one's around.
I'll just keep giving then, even if it means taking my life. Hopefully, something might come back return...
Hmm seems long since I wrote about something philosophically thought-ish that doesn't involve my life. During one of those low moments, had a friend walked past me. I didn't put on a sad face or anything, maybe a straight one. I even said hi, with a slight smile I guess? I normally avoided people. lol I really will turn around and walk another way if I saw someone I knew but didnt want to say hi to xD Minutes later she sent a text asking if I was fine. Was kinda freaky how she kinda picked me out with a few seconds. I remember another time, where someone said I didn't sound too good. Makes me wonder, either I'm showing it all, or im just wayy too readable. Or both. Kinda brings me back to those moments when I was into the whole facade concept. I think it's great. When someone asks me how I am, my mind pauses. I could either say what's going on in my life, or reply with the typical "I'm fine". Now, as much as I don't like it, I'll just say whatever that's happening. In a quick summary, or sometimes too long cause I'm that talkative sort. =P
Even though it brings about so much more vulnerability and weaknesses to light, the authenticity feels good. Even if people don't like me because I seem like a whiny little emo kid, I'd rather be disliked for what I am, then be liked for who I'm not. Nobody likes being vulnerable I guess. But it's through that vulnerability that builds true relationships. You know those times when you see someone, so broken, so weak, when you let your own guard down, to be one with that person? Maybe people think that by showing all this, it's a sign of weakness. Hey, I agree. Who isn't. But it takes strength to bear the pain, and sometimes possibly shame, of showing those vulnerabilities. Cause I think, somewhere in us, we're all broken, in one way or another. And we all relate to that feelings of brokenness. Nobody likes it. It's just that the world demands a happy face, that everything needs to be okay. An intolerance to brokenness. And I believe it's bad enough that we're hurting, it doesn't add anything to tell us to shut up and be happy about it. I see facades as a protection to these hurts. It's natural to protect ourselves. Every living thing has that inbuilt instinct. But sometimes, we carry these mask for too long, we end up living alter-egos. It works as an alternative to pain, but avoiding it wont do any good for us. We may fool others, we may fool ourselves, but we can never fool pain. Once everyone is gone, the silence settles in, there, the pain stalks us from the shadows, returning to strike that painful unexplainable feeling. It's universal, that feeling. I wonder what the world will be like, if everyone was authentic. If someone walks into class, heads down, shoulders drooped , and a face then speaks of sadness, and then people around would also put off their mask of indifference. Sometimes we care, we just don't know how, and we hold back. But, if we truly care, then we should take ourselves out of the picture, and do as we can do best. Just go ahead, ask someone, if they're unwilling to say, then give them their space. But the rule is, never, ever stop trying. You never know, that one moment of might just make right everything. As for those who are teh recipient of such gestures. Fine isn't good enough. How fine is fine? Is feeling lonely fine? Troubled fine? Depressed fine? Even if things is going well, it's always nice to add on a few details to help someone understand. Maybe people aren't sincere enough, maybe it's just a simple gesture intending for nothing, but well it does represent that slight interest in someone for you, however much. Or we could take it as a platform to grumble, or express something. The other party opened that door, it's for us to use it then hahax. I think it would be nice if we could answer that question genuinely. In a certain way of course, we will be the one taking the first steps, as unnecessary to one being selfish, but really, does any of you want the whole world, to fall into a form of ritualistic, meaningless greetings that does no good in building relationships. If we really are looking for it, it'll take some work, some pain. It's the same for everything. Nothing comes free. I dunno peeps. But it's like the Matrix. Do you want to live in a stimulated world where all is rosy, or live in reality, enjoy the essence of life, all amidst the hurts and sorrow, and through it appreciate true joy and growth. We could be animals living in the zoo, living the easy life, be greeted everyday with patronizing smiles, and be free in the wild, with every moment of freedom and life, and there might come starvation, there might come pain, but at least when the day your head lays to rest, you know, in your heart that life was indeed lived meaningfully well.
Never saw me coming this far. Pretty cool now that it's been going for 2 years.
Anyway. hais. I dunno what I can do for this anymore. It's amazing how, we reached the highest and lowest of our friendship in a mere week. Opposite polars. It's freaky how close to the edge I got, a single word could have end it all. Everything.
Did you stay, for me, or for yourself I wonder. I'm not sure which I want the answer to be.
But yea, screw all this shit. Screw it all. I ain't gonna be knocked down by all this. Not by you.
I swear, I'm going to give my life up for this. However hard it may be, I'm gonna fight through. By love, by wits, or by the very bare soul of myself. If you're gonna run down that cliff, then I'm running it down with you, together with my life.
Gotta be stronger, need to pull through any obstacles. Grit my teeth. I'm too weak now. But I will learn strength.
Ok, after a bit of thinking. This will be my final post about you. Not that I'm forgetting you. I wont. Just that, it's the last bit of that side I'll show to you, gonna write it else where hidden. I'll just leave you with the good parts.
All the hurts. It's a game of tug and war. I don't know how it triggers, but it always ends up as a cascade of hurts. you feel hurt becos you think you hurt me, I feel hurt cos I think I hurt you. And it goes on and on. Someone has to take the initiative to stop.
I dont want to be seen as noble or better. Just that I find, I'm always the one that have to put aside my pain to come back to you, so that it stops the chain reaction. I'm not blaming you. I'm just being immature. Taking far too long to do what I need to do, whether selfless or not, when I finally do, there's already a whole lot of damage done. I need to learn to eat the humble pie. Stop dwelling on my hurts, cos it's hurting you.
I hope you would understand. This is how everything seems to me. It often starts by me sharing some difficulties about you. But it's just difficulties, I get them with everyone. It's not anyone's fault, it's just me having to learn. And I never saw you as a burden, or a hurt. You take those words, feel like you're a burden to me, and then to prevent me from getting hurt, you close up and push me away. As for me, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. The only thing I know is the hurt starts whenever you do that. and it get's excruciatingly painful the more you do it. And then I express more hurts, and then so do you.
You probably really dont want to hurt me. But it's whenever you do what you think is to "protect" me, by cutting me off so I wont be hurt, is where all the hurt begins. Maybe you think that by we being apart, I cant be hurt by you. I cant emphasize how much your actions of not hurting me is the one doing the most, and only damage.
Sometimes, it seems you don't care about me hurting at all. You only care about you getting hurt by feeling you've hurt someone. My hurts is only a trigger to your pain, and you don't want that. But you never really cared about me.
Stop saying it's not my fault. Stop trying to be nice. In this hurt game, if you're the one that starts hurting first, it means I'm the trigger. I'm at fault too. By me dwelling in my own pain, I only cause you more. But I think my biggest wrong, is making you feel like you're a burden when in reality, you're not. Despite whatever I do, if you cant understand that, then it's my fault for not communicating it well. I hardly look into your own pains as to how I might trigger them, and then think I'm expressing everything to be honest with you. But maybe honesty doesn't work at all times. I never considered how it would affect you. I gave you something beyond what you could handle.
So yea, someone has to stop this hurt game. I'll do it alright. And this is the last time I'll be honest about my pains to you, in my final hope that you'll understand what you intended. I'll do what you want. I'll stay away from you, and let you be closed. Cause I'm causing you the hurt. If I dont show anything, then you wont be hurt either. Yea, so its better if I bear the pain alone in silence. If it makes you feel better.
It seems like as though I'm playing the same game as you. Closing up to prevent the other person from hurting. I wonder if you'll be hurt like I did. I think it will, but I hope it doesnt. I'm not doing this for revenge. But I hope you'll understand, that if you truly do love me, that the pain of being pushed away is excruciatingly piercing.
I wonder if you'll ever stop. Stop, and really care about me. To understand what is really hurting me. But I guess I should stop trying to make this work. Only hurting you more. You know. if we really look at it from the bigger picture. You never were any burden to me. But maybe I was...
Just go alright. just that you know, stop saying you love me, or don't want to hurt me. Really. Because you're only concerned about yourself. You've never really seen or understand where and how I got hurt. I'm fine if you're only concerned about yourself. I only selfishly ask that, please, spare me my feelings. I don't expect you to love me in return, just that when you say all those things, it rekindles that hope in me. don't tell me you dont want me to hurt, when your actions do so.
Hais. I don't know if now what I say qualifies as loving you, now that I've stop being with you. I'm not sure if this will be the best. But I want to tell you, I never will give up on you. I never ever thought of you as a burden either. It was just me coming to understand the terms of love.
You'll probably feel all hurt again after reading this. You've not hurting because you feel you hurt me. It's because you think you're a burden, a pain, when you never were. I hope you'll realize that none of that was ever real.
And so, I guess this ends our story. I will continue it on my own, in the dark. Love costs, and this will be my biggest price, learning how to let go. I'll be waiting for you, for the day, maybe you'd love me back. Pain as it will be, I'll be watching over you, loving you, from wherever I am. I hope life gets better for you.
Heh, everyone that reads my blog thinks I'm in some sort of relationship with a girl.
First off, I want to say that, not everything that happens between a guy and a girl indicates romance. I'll jus say that between genuine love and romance, there has been much misintepretation by many ppl.
Not that I've reached the state of genuine love, but I've set my heart for it. I dun deny thr's a bit of romance essence in it, but it's all about regulating it. And if there's room for arguing, I'll end off with saying that I'm guided by my own motive checks.
Subjective, but I go by a certain strict principle of selfish/selflessness.Romance is not necessarily bad. Its natural. Just that ppl at times take it and over do it. Get all high in love with each other. and when the passion's out, poof~ But in genuine love there's a aspect of doing what's best uh. And sometimes that means keeping away from each other to avoid temptations into selfish indulgence.
Yea, genuine love also means that although thr's romantic feelings involved, it's about regulating and keeping check of each other to stay on track.As for me, undeniably there's romantic feelings, but that's not the priority. The function of genuine love as to override the passion of romance. even if it means having to go against what I feel like.
But hey ho, as for all that intimacy expressed in my blog, once again, I will say why are such reservations made only for romance. Love was meant to be freely given to everyone, family, friends, acquaintance and even enemies. We only hold back because of our own selfishness, or fears and worries.
Hey people. Stop thinking on what the world defines relationship as, but take a look at the bigger picture, even if you dun agree with me. There has to be something more to a relationship than just mutual attraction and feelings.
I told myself I’ll bear the consequences, and I guess this is part of it.
I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t think we should be in this sudden change of state. Maybe everything’s a misunderstanding? I don’t know. I’m not even sure of what’s going on. And I’m trying hard to keep myself strong, and not to fall to those subjective thoughts.
I dunno why you’re hurting. I don’t know what I did. Was it my words? Hais. And, I don’t want to let this fall. I don’t want things to back they were. But I’ve got no chance at all. The environment, the timing, the situation, and the doors I feel are shutting towards me.
The irony of wanting to protect me is hurting me itself. Your walls are lined with piercing barbs. The sheer iciness breaks any touch of contact on it.
But owells, I guess it’s my own doing. It’s just something I have to bear. Sorry for all the pain I caused. Please help me, I’m not sure if you would really help me in this. Maybe I’ll have to fight alone again. But hey, I aint gonna tag this as “emo” because I’m gonna fight it as hard as I can. I'm so close to falling over the edge, but I'm holding on, by the tip of my fingers, a bit more into falling into that chasm again. Take it as my consequences I offered to bear.
But more importantly, for you, for that smile on your face once again. I cant let it slip away.
I need to stay strong dammit. cmon Darren. One step at a time. Keep. pushing. I guess i'm killing myself over nothing again. Hais.
When I choose you over other things that seemed better, it's not that I've lose out on them because of you, but that if I chose them, I would have lost you.
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Heh, prepared a whole lot of emo stuff but argh. I guess I aint letting it out on here. Feels much better after ranting, and looking back, I know it's isn't good for it to be shown, as much as I'd like to be known. Dooesn't do anyone any good.
But hey, here's the more positive version.
Anyway, we've been through it so many times already, but I didn't expected the fall to come so fast, thought I feel it's uncalled for.
I don't understand anything though, really. I'm only aware I was talking about my fears and worries, and suddenly afterward something triggered. Maybe I didn't understand your point. I don't know really. I just don't know what happened.
And truthfully. I feel treated unjustly. Everything just happened and then all doors were shut. I feel that you at least owe me an explanation.
I'd admit, all those feelings came rushing in. Thoughts of being worthless, and why I'm doing all these again. The pain was excruciating. Really. It hurts beyond depths of anything. Im sure you know those hurts.
And just in case, since I have no idea was happening, I take a guess of you feeling like you hurt me or sorts. I'm really not sure. but I want to tell you, the only time you hurt me, are the times you cut me off like that. It pierces me to the core. But owells. I dunno luh uh. I suddenly feel so exhausted during those moments. But hey, whatever it is, I'm still gonna fight for you. I'm not gonna let everything go. I'm weak, but I will persevere.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Was listening to "Angels Cry". I finally understood the part which Neyo sang.
I thought we'd be forever and always You were serenity You took away the bad days Didn't always treat you right But it was OK I do somethin' stupid And you still stay with me
But you can only go for so long Doing the one you claim to love wrong Before too much is enough You look up Find your love gone And
We were so good together How come we could not weather This storm and just do better Why did we say goodbye
I indeed thought we'll be forever. I promised you it. Never realized how much I took you for granted. I'm sorry for being a bad friend. No point beating myself over it, I only have to make it right.
You know, what different about us and the final part of the song is that:
We were good together, and storms we will weather, big or small, near or far, in voice or in silence, hands held or apart, I will, as best that I can, give my heart in exchange for yours.
I'm weak, but I love you. And thus we wont just be fighting for each other, we'll be fighting for something greater we're meant to be.
I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile.
I'm immensely grateful, and gratified for even a chance to live out the scenes of my daydreams; the ones of my everyday secrets. The painful feelings, that touch of humanity in me, it hurts more that it's real now, but I'm more than content that I actually got to experience it, feel it, live it.
Brings me back a decade, the elation, jumping and kicking from the excitement. I had friends for company, and everyone was contributing a part. I didn't need to be on the lookout for giving. Being able to relax, enjoy the moment as natural as I could. The interactions, the play, the exchanged smiles. The comfort I found in your presence. A happy kid, as easily amused as a game of tag at the neighbourhood playground.
Morning came and I expected the end. Until I casually asked if I could have you both over. You agreed. I was deliriously happy inside, as though it was my first time having friends over. Together on the couch, and I couldn't imagine how blessed I was, having two whom I could hold as friends, sitting snugly together. The tussles we had, resisting and stubbornly not giving despite being overpowered completely. Falling asleep together from fatigue. The htht we had, taking turns to cry.
And when time drew to a close, I couldn't bear to let go. All I wished if I could, was to return back to where we started, living the dream endlessly, even if it was only for a day. Everything felt so unreal, having both of you, together in embrace. When it was time to part, my heart bitterly fought against falling out of reality. My heart broke, as I watched the two of you slowly departed, like the ascension of angels.
I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile. It was time to wake up.
But I know in my heart, when I close my eyes and start to dream, there, I will find you waiting, and so shall we meet again.
Studied overnight at airport with hq and zx hahax, enjoyed the time. Spent almost 3/4 of a full day straight in the cushy seats of macs o.O read 4 chaps though. =)
Came back and got knocked out, woke later at 9pm to the sounds of the gates which I thought was my mom going out to work in the morning. Super disorientated and like my thursday just disappeared.
Anyway, some thoughts on my mind for quite some time...
I think I'm too prideful for myself. Judgmental as well. Hais, I pride myself greatly too much in my own knowledge that I become way too subjective, in my words, actions, and attitude. I wanna wish but wishing is useless, need to keep myself in check.
Though sometimes I think it the repercussions of such crappy attitude and way of handling things that causes my standing towards people, I'm just not worth it I guess. But owells, used to it, it's only just a dream. Til then, I'll keep on this fantasy.
I finally found you back. After all this while, when this problem arised, I felt I lost that part of you in my heart.
Finally, we've cleared out everything, finding the relationship between us, now strengthened by experiences and knowledge.
This year, you wanted to cherish me, all with good intents, gave me your all, finding someone strong enough to do it; the selfless side of you. You left me, and replaced yourself with someone else, your compassionate masked hero. Maybe that's when I started feeling distanced. I didn't need all the added concern, it made me feel like I lost touch of you. I couldn't feel you anymore. Me being the typical lousy friend, slowly lost consciousness of you, and no longer feeling you, wandered off, lost and alone.
Right now, I'm so grateful that my heart is restored with everything I had for you. I missed you so terribly bad.
Zhixiong, I don't need you to be some strong person for me. I just need you to be who you are, weak, flaws, passion, dreams, fears, anything and everything you have not allowed yourself to be since who knows when. Zhixiong, this friendship is to be a home for us, where we return to reside, where we relax and chill out together. We look out for each other, maybe have a little tussle every now and then to spice things up. Zhi Xiong, you're my family, and all I ever need from you, is you truly.
For now, that I've finally experienced and understood the feelings of home, I don't want it just to be begin me and you. I want it to be for everyone else as well. People, with genuine relationships, bonded together. We may not be our best, we at the very least, we are who we are. And how I wish, that I will be able to share these bonds with everyone, together, in a love community.
Once again those issues resurface. I shalln't emo about it, but it's still the same matters from every friendship. I find that while people are my friends, I'm dont find myself being their friend.
I don't think I'm the friend material. It's always aout me forming relationships, only for it to break down sometime after. And if I were to put in effort it'll only amount to an occasional on/off moments where I appear in and out of the friendship.
One thing about me is that I lack the initiative to pursue people. Really. Unless I actually think of you and some objective that has to be met, I find no purpose in chasing. I'm not saying this to absolve me of my failure to pursue people. Just that I find it very tedious to "catch up" with people when I find no need to.
Looking back into my past, I never was pursued by anyone. I know the only pursuit I had was for my best friend, whom didnt really did the same for me. As I grow up, I got used to that isolated state, feeling ok with it. I'm not sure, but I do believe this causes me to have little or no value in terms of pursuing people. I'm fine alone (not that it's that good for me).
Sucks though, for those who are my friends whom are left with someone who only appears when he finds a need to, and then disappears afterward. Someone inconsistently unpredictable when the next chance the friendship will be active again.
Hais. I find myself being more comfortable as a good person rather than a good friend. A friend bears the responsibility for the other friend. Whereas, me being a good person, merely have a duty of just helping ppl and then moving on. Owells. Both good and bad. if I keep helping lotsa people and everyone wants become friends then I think I'm sure to be overwhelmed.
Nonetheless, I guess there's more to life than being a good person. Shall work on being a friend now. but, I'd like to remove my label as a friend. I find that I don't really deserve it. But I will work for it, whatever little I have, God will make it great.
But I had to do what's right, for you, even if it means losing you as a friend. I did it against your wishes, broke confidentiality, and am deciding to present you before your parents.
I'm sorry.
But I love you too much to watch on and let your life go to destruction. To chose between your present unhappiness versus a lifetime of guilt, regret and who knows what else, I'll have to choose the former.
I cannot let you err in your ways any more. You have gone pass the danger zone way too far out. You're standing by the edge looking ahead, mesmerized by the illusion of selfish pleasures, blinded of the deathly fall front a step. You're no longer even able to help yourself. There was a first time and with it, a second chance, but not this time, because there is absolutely no room for a third mistake.
Doing all these to protect your life, even though you probably wont enjoy it, I have the faith you will become better out of it. I know and believe you will. And that true freedom wouldn't be anything compared to that which you desire to possess now.
It isn't easy for me. It's going to cost me as well.
People may judge me, curse me, spit on my feet, and walk away. I'll most likely be labeled as a bad guy for this, hated for all this. Maybe no one will trust me again, or be friends for that matter. I could easily lose everything I hold dear to me. It'll suck, but at least I know that I've saved yours. I might even lose the trust of another person close to my heart... I think I will.
But screw all of that. Even if I've to lose everything in my world, I'll do it for you. I love you, and you're my friend. This might be the last thing I'll ever have with you as a friend but owells. Love costs, and it's worth every drop of my blood to keep yours.
I'm sorry once again my friend, but love overcomes all. God be with you.
Psalms 23:3 He restores [your] soul. He guides [you] in the path of righteousness, for His name sake.
Sometimes, in hate lies a degree of love. This "hate" refers to the people you have in your heart. Friends, Family, People.
When we love someone, we give them our love. Something like giving them part of our hearts. And that's something you cant take back. It's not that you lose part of your heart so you should limit the giving, but that perhaps in an analogy written their names on places of your heart.
You can't take back that which was given out, you cant take back love, you only stop giving. So whatever it is, you will always have a portion of love that they own of you. It's just how small it is, or how much it is compared to other mitigating factors, say, hurts, disappointments Neither can you hate the people you once loved, family, close friends, and anyone you placed close to your heart, (including ex-s).
You loved them and always will, somewhere deep inside.
Maybe "hate" no longer is the word. It's anger. Anger for all the pains and hurts felt because you loved them. These hurts slowly build up to overshadow that love, defense mechanism kick in to cope with the pain, closing up to the agonizing feelings of that "unrequited" love.
But in the end, as much as we say we really hate someone, I believe we still have a albeit tiny spark left. If that person we hate, parent, sibling, friend, ex, were to disappear of this earth, if you would have for one second that little tingle in you, then I'll be touched to tell you, you, deep down in your heart, still love that person.
And I have faith, that love never fails, no matter how small it is.
You will feel the weight Of the world Raining down on your shoulders You wanna run To the shadows you know I'm gonna bring You the light At the end of the tunnel If you only let me If you could only let me
We've disagreed On the terms And the road that we're taking That doesn't mean That we can't work it through I know we can I know we can I'm on your side So understand
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be (I will always be) Fighting for you
Oooooooooh
Talk to me now Open up We can pick up the pieces I'm not about To let you fall through I know too well How you are Why you think what you're thinking I'm not gonna fade No, I'm not going away
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be Fighting for you
With everything I have Fighting for you And I'm not holding back Everything is on the line And I'm willing to try
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see (Can't you see) That no matter what (No matter what) I'm gonna be (I'm gonna be) Fighting for you
I'm gonna be Fighting for you
I'll always be Fighting for you
Credit to yvette for intro-ing the song.
These words cant mean any truer than they already are to me, for you. After all that we've been through, I ain't ever letting you go.
It's been one of the best and heartfelt experience I ever had in life, having you. Every moment, that connection, that love.
You've done for me a lot in ways you'll never see nor understand. Without you, I'll never imagine what it would ever be like, to have someone to share my heart to, to share my life with. Without you, I'll never have life this way.
But I was foolish, and I took you for granted. I never really looked out for you, the same you would for me. You came into my world; I hardly stepped into yours. You felt my pain and sorrows, you shared my joy and bliss, but, how much have I ever understood yours. My life was filled with so much selfishness, I could only think for myself.
Through this, I've come to see how much I've neglected you. You were my friend, but I wasn't one to you. How I've took everything of you for granted. You goodness, your heart, your pains. You were always there when I needed you, and perhaps that became the biggest reason why I only did.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I feel unworthy of you, ruining the heart of a fine young man. Feel like nothing I've ever done was ever for you. I'm hiding behind the remorse while presenting a smile to you. I owe you, I really do.
When you return it, it hurt my heart. I know you valued me more than it. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to accept it, I didn't wanted it to mean the end of things. At the same time, it was, the only thing I put my heart and soul into, and that I gave you. Giving it back was like telling me to take back my heart.
How could I, still desire to be selfish. I still wanted you, but I wasn't sure I could pay off for what I claimed. It wouldn't be fair for you, it never was. I almost lost one, I wasn't prepared to lose another. You had the right.
This will be our first ordeal, something I need to bear. Not as a burden, a difficulty perhaps, a need for me to become stronger. Love bears no burden nor cost, for all is counted worth, because love is far greater than the pain or anguish I may bear to find you again. The days may be tougher without you, but I'll pull through.
I wear this now, as a symbol of our friendship, the mark of a lost friend. It will remind me, a day never without you. I hope one day I can rightfully return this, when I no longer need it. It'll one day be yours, again.
I think I might forget this day. But at least I don't think I will ever forget you.
Thanks for the courage.
It was the second time, but, when I turned, I saw those arms, spreading out, and around me. Time suddenly slowed down. That scene has been burned into my mind. Like dreams unfolding into reality.
It felt unreal, that warmth. of another's body. of another's love.
The feelings quickly fade, as back when it was only a daydream. A daydream, it may have been. Sometimes it seems so real it hurts, because I dont wanna let go
Thank you.
I have never, gotten a hug, with love before, by her. I'm grateful.
After some recent events, I realized when it comes to friendship, I'm all back at one.
I haven't really know how to connect still. Friendship. Not sure who are my friends now, or whether I do have any.
I think, when people normally make friendship, through personal communication and interaction, their worlds merges. Bit by bit, two worlds come together as one. How closely merge depends on how much both are willing to let each side come in.
"Personal touch"
I've never really felt it. What it is like, neither do I think I actually possess it. I actually make friends without bringing myself into it, certain things of me is in there, but somehow never my spirit. In a sense, I think I would put it as people may be friends with me, but they don't feel me.
"Worlds"
I use to love drawing diagrams for my blog when I was younger, help me speak out what's in my head. So yea, here's a little diagram about my picture of "worlds".
The top two circle represents an individuals world. The left bottom represents what I think of proper friendship is. And the last... is my way of making friendship.
I've never really entered in someone's world. I don't dare. I haven't tried for a long time, but the fear still lingers. Rejection has been a major part of my life growing up, any little bit of it, even a joke, could unleash all the pain again. I remember how a single comment of being called "irritating" got me emoing the rest of the day.
I no longer dare knock on the doors of others. I know. I always get this fearful feeling whenever building up that friendship. Questions race through my mind if I should do this, or that, or none at all. I fear, being pushed away by others. I can't handle any interaction naturally. Either consciously or at the back of my mind I'll be considering every step, guided by logic and fear. I don't want to be rejected by others.
Each time, I'm pushed away, or that I have a door closed upon, I question my worth. Guess I'm not worth it, sometimes maybe a real privacy is needed, and other times, I guess, it's just me being nothing to them. and it sucks.
And hence, I grown to protect myself from that pain. It's a balance between a withdrawal and an outward giving. I think I've done well. Remember the 4th circle? the one with red and blue. It represents my way of building friendships. It's quite effective actually, just not good at it. I don't dare knock on the door of another, or even step into their world. I don't want to be pushed out, to find myself having no place there. Hence, I create a parallel world to theirs, building it up with my own cognition I have acquired along my journey. It's mostly red to begin with, built by the things I know, or understand as fundamentals, along with some subjective perceptions, things like love, value, belonging, defense mechanism, and maybe sorts that I have deemed universal. And then slowly, whenever possible, I replace what I know with what I have found out from them; the blue parts.
This is why I tend to appear, and be judgmental. Much of my mental framework of someone is mostly built by me, and where there may be the correct parts, many times things are subjective and out of my own pride, enforced as correct. Got to learn really, to put down my pride. Really.
I don't know. I guess most people would shoot me for my pride, or judgmental self, which I'm rightfully accused for, something I cannot deny. Though, I sometimes wish, people could enter my world, and understand mine. But hey, really, why would anyone? I'm not even in theirs, why should I expect anybody to fight to come into mine.
But then again, at the end of the day, I get the best of both worlds, to protect myself, and to give, but similarly, I get both the worse. To feel alone, and that I will fail in giving my all. I'm deciding, why not, try again. It's been so long right. Maybe the world has changed, after all, the people around me are different already right.
I dunno, I think I'm going to try opening my heart once more. Step out of my world. Opening up, I'm expecting more hurts might come, but I guess I'll give it another chance, try knocking on every door, if not, it always be as I was used to, alone. It's already hurting the first few days, but well, I'll need to learn to cope with the pain right. Heh, I hope things wont hurt too badly. It's comforting actually, when I get to feel that personal side of me. gonna be another learning journey I guess.
I dont want to just be a good person, I want to be a good friend too.
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And, I think, I'm quite a nice person actually. I really have that good side of me. But lol, I dont think many people know that. =P Have it hidden somehow, it only surfaces when someone needs it a lot. I just put aside everything that I am and be there for them, my raw self.
but yea, I fear that personal touch and thus, I somehow have been portraying a bad guy image. A offensive persona that pushes people away. Like by my words, act aloof, the way i be mean to others. Heh, all just a way of getting people away from me.
Sometimes, we reject ourselves first before anyone would have a chance to. Its safer knowing that we're the one, not them causing the pain.
and that's how it is for me. I'd rather play like a bad guy and feel that my rejection is justified rather than be that nice side and be pushed away. I guess I'm too selfish to open myself fully to give.
But heh, lol. It's all just for show only. There's a soft spot/backdoors to assessing me but haha, guess the defenses are working to keep people away. Well, then again, only those who genuinely want to befriend me who fight through those walls right?
The recent occasions have reminded me how much I felt uncomfortable as being seen as a good person. I cant contain the idea of seeing them think im nice, giving them chocs or writing notes. Hahax. Owells. It's funny like how I've been treating her meanly, yet behind her, I've been looking out for her. But owells. hahax. Sometimes I prefer it that way. Be a masked hero :D On the surface be a bad fella, and behind the scenes do good stuff hehex. Need to train my ninjaing skills. >=]
The curtains closed, the music stops, the lights turn on.
Another sem of hiclub is over. It's another sem, with a new set of cherished memories.
Class 2A, Hear me out, experiences with the main comm, pushing song signing.
Class 2a first, really enjoyed my time teaching them, especially the later few weeks when I really let loose myself into my naturally lame self. HAHA. Kinda glad that the student got entertained and class was more fun for them, and at least they were more responsive to my previous class, they laugh together at my lameness.
The final time togther during the closing ceremony was my most memorable, never been so close to my class before, finally felt together with them. Though little in number but ti really warmed my heart to see them talking. Would love to teach them again. I'm looking forward to teaching intermediate next sem hahax.
Closing comm wise, I was part of entertainment team. Things were kinda late but I think we pulled off, a, seriously, imba, nice show. Together with the help of Jesca, Kenji, Glenda, Tim, & Joyo. Had a lot of fun =P and I think we did really great. Loved the roar of applause throughout the performance and the final ovation.
As for performances, heh, guess I've deproved... screwed up both my performances, its embarassing, but I also felt my standard dropped. Got sihui as my partner though :D Song choice was nice.
that would be to the closing ceremony per se but I guess my takeback would be the graduation of the seniors. Next it'll be our turn. I wonder what 3rd year is like. We wont have any seniors, we will be them. Not sure, but I dont really dare look into my residing fade off from hiclub, but well, will see as we go. Hi Club has been such a big part of my life, it feels weird thinking of letting go. Made some new friends as well, touched some, impacted few, learn from their perspectives, taught many.
I guess to me, hiclub was more than just a cca, it was my passion, my life, my family, my heart, my people, my home. Hope, the 3rd year wouldn't be a painful one.
thought of giving out chocs and notes to others, but I didnt really have to guts to. Only did for a few people. had 7/16 chocs left, which I ate on my own.
kinda half sad half funny thought, people would think aww so sweet, he's eating valentine's choc. but then I'm kinda just eating leftover chocs whichever mine, to begin with ._.
Heh, maybe, it's my first too. For the spirit of it. Been looking towards today since last month. But yea, glad I guess. Today just added two "first"s to you.
and for a side note, it may offend some people but here's a random thought...
"what's with all the talk abt ok being single on valentine. Come on, if it really was ok, it wouldnt matter which day it is. Quit whining, really."
hm. talked a bit about receiving to zx. and the call from hq.
I'm not sure actually. I think for quite a long time, I haven't receive much, aside from zx. In fact, I think I'm giving more than receiving. but as I reconsider, not possible for me to give out more than I receive. You cant go deficit in goodwill. Had a source I never knew was there. I guess God kept me going, during the times I looked upon Him, and eve the times I forgot.
Though I'm still greedy, I long to receive from humans, in the ways I need. It's been so long, I realized I dare not open my heart. You know those weird feelings when you wished for something so hard, but when it's there you run away from it. I haven't really opened my heart I guess. Whether or not those are really out there.
Randomly thought about me giving someone, would they ever know. And then reflected on whether I did feel that way too:
I wonder how many times we have been loved by the people around us unknowingly, and life was made better, because they were there. And all the while, here we were crying out for a love we never realized existed just outside our doors.
-- Nico
But heh. You. To be honest, I've long gave up expecting anything in return from you. I could only wish, but that's as far as it gets. You gave, and I was quite awkward. But it meant a lot to me. I really, dont know if that day comes, neither do I know how to react to it. Maybe it'll be a dream come true, but I think it would be something I dare not touch.
Truly, I look towards a day, where I can be a recipient of a unconditional dedicated love which would stay through all time, residing even among my understanding, my needs, but it's only a fantasy to me. It's something simple, but I guess I'm not worth anything of it. Just hope to gleam off any extras that may cross my path =) Though each tiny brush off sparks out the whole desire again.
Maybe that's why I like the loft. Secret desires. Twice, both ceremonies event gave me comfort by two peeps. Guess they never knew how much that meant to me. But yea, just that simple small gesture, warms my heart to the very depths. I'd wish it'll last forever, but I'm grateful for the memories.
Well, once again I'm sure the longing is rekindled, but I guess I'll learn to open my heart to all the sources as well. I cant just sit around a cry for a ideal love. As much as being loved is a human need as hunger, we cant sit around waiting to satisfy craving and that only, pushing away all other food. of course one goes hungry. Love itself, should not be expected in any form, but freely received too I guess? Gotta open my eyes and heart to learn to receive.
Hahax, nonetheless, I'll be moving on. going about doing something. i've slack for quite sometime. I need to pull up my socks once again. Start giving :D
Suddenly I think through my daily life and stumble upon a thought I havent realized for quite some time.
Friends. I don't really have any... Few maybe.
To clear tings first, this wouldn't discount people treating me as friends, but me treating them as friends also.
I find myself mostly doing everything alone, even when I'm with people. I rarely have a good conversation with anybody. Is it common? Maybe it is for introverts, but heh, I dont want it that way, I'd to have meaningful conversations with people.
Friends, temporal? It's seems tangible, close to touch, yet I cant grasp it. Did I lose something along the way? Am I being too selfish? Fears? Incompetency?
I think I'm doing it way too technically. I cant really remember being relaxed when making friends. I dont think I know how to in the first place. Baaah. I should stop being so technical and just open up, to receive. At most just go thru the hurts again.
Maybe I'll have to learn again this semester then. It's been so long, but heh.
Going down very soon.All I need to recharge me a little is just a bit of genuine interaction between people, seeing life inspires me on somehow but yea, CNY, assignments, duties, I looked forward for loft-stay to be a heartwarming experience but heh.
Being putting so much, I'm starting to feel the drain, and my sensors indicating my need for input. Yet, I dont see any source anywhere. Once again, feeling things are being unfair. Me having to keep giving out, yet having no input.
Responsibilities and commitment. There's so much things I need to do. Blargh. And feeling lonelier than ever, yet covered by the will to do good for them, I've forgotten about myself. And when I do, I find myself alone, and fighting it out. Thing are tough, everyone has their own personal battles to fight in equal proportions of difficulty.
Seems no one's there for me. Everyone's got their life. One's busy with added responsibilities, one's outta contact, the last one is busier than ever, no time and space for me. And then I remembered another person who said would be there. I had the chance, I just didn't have the guts to say. And to the others, I'm probably invisible. Everyone has their own lives.
The loneliness is chilling. I wonder if it's linked to my lower cold tolerance lolol. But, hais. Not that I do it very well or often, but I do try my best. Just kinda hurts, that at the end of the day, when I'm in need, no one's there. Maybe it's just bad timing, everyone's tired as well.
Don't need things to be fair to do what's right. Things never will be fair. But at least within my power and abilities, that I can make things slightly fairer for another person.
Owells. Lonely day today. Everyone's busy. My phone's dead. No one's around.
I'll just keep giving then, even if it means taking my life. Hopefully, something might come back return...
Hmm seems long since I wrote about something philosophically thought-ish that doesn't involve my life. During one of those low moments, had a friend walked past me. I didn't put on a sad face or anything, maybe a straight one. I even said hi, with a slight smile I guess? I normally avoided people. lol I really will turn around and walk another way if I saw someone I knew but didnt want to say hi to xD Minutes later she sent a text asking if I was fine. Was kinda freaky how she kinda picked me out with a few seconds. I remember another time, where someone said I didn't sound too good. Makes me wonder, either I'm showing it all, or im just wayy too readable. Or both. Kinda brings me back to those moments when I was into the whole facade concept. I think it's great. When someone asks me how I am, my mind pauses. I could either say what's going on in my life, or reply with the typical "I'm fine". Now, as much as I don't like it, I'll just say whatever that's happening. In a quick summary, or sometimes too long cause I'm that talkative sort. =P
Even though it brings about so much more vulnerability and weaknesses to light, the authenticity feels good. Even if people don't like me because I seem like a whiny little emo kid, I'd rather be disliked for what I am, then be liked for who I'm not. Nobody likes being vulnerable I guess. But it's through that vulnerability that builds true relationships. You know those times when you see someone, so broken, so weak, when you let your own guard down, to be one with that person? Maybe people think that by showing all this, it's a sign of weakness. Hey, I agree. Who isn't. But it takes strength to bear the pain, and sometimes possibly shame, of showing those vulnerabilities. Cause I think, somewhere in us, we're all broken, in one way or another. And we all relate to that feelings of brokenness. Nobody likes it. It's just that the world demands a happy face, that everything needs to be okay. An intolerance to brokenness. And I believe it's bad enough that we're hurting, it doesn't add anything to tell us to shut up and be happy about it. I see facades as a protection to these hurts. It's natural to protect ourselves. Every living thing has that inbuilt instinct. But sometimes, we carry these mask for too long, we end up living alter-egos. It works as an alternative to pain, but avoiding it wont do any good for us. We may fool others, we may fool ourselves, but we can never fool pain. Once everyone is gone, the silence settles in, there, the pain stalks us from the shadows, returning to strike that painful unexplainable feeling. It's universal, that feeling. I wonder what the world will be like, if everyone was authentic. If someone walks into class, heads down, shoulders drooped , and a face then speaks of sadness, and then people around would also put off their mask of indifference. Sometimes we care, we just don't know how, and we hold back. But, if we truly care, then we should take ourselves out of the picture, and do as we can do best. Just go ahead, ask someone, if they're unwilling to say, then give them their space. But the rule is, never, ever stop trying. You never know, that one moment of might just make right everything. As for those who are teh recipient of such gestures. Fine isn't good enough. How fine is fine? Is feeling lonely fine? Troubled fine? Depressed fine? Even if things is going well, it's always nice to add on a few details to help someone understand. Maybe people aren't sincere enough, maybe it's just a simple gesture intending for nothing, but well it does represent that slight interest in someone for you, however much. Or we could take it as a platform to grumble, or express something. The other party opened that door, it's for us to use it then hahax. I think it would be nice if we could answer that question genuinely. In a certain way of course, we will be the one taking the first steps, as unnecessary to one being selfish, but really, does any of you want the whole world, to fall into a form of ritualistic, meaningless greetings that does no good in building relationships. If we really are looking for it, it'll take some work, some pain. It's the same for everything. Nothing comes free. I dunno peeps. But it's like the Matrix. Do you want to live in a stimulated world where all is rosy, or live in reality, enjoy the essence of life, all amidst the hurts and sorrow, and through it appreciate true joy and growth. We could be animals living in the zoo, living the easy life, be greeted everyday with patronizing smiles, and be free in the wild, with every moment of freedom and life, and there might come starvation, there might come pain, but at least when the day your head lays to rest, you know, in your heart that life was indeed lived meaningfully well.
Never saw me coming this far. Pretty cool now that it's been going for 2 years.
Anyway. hais. I dunno what I can do for this anymore. It's amazing how, we reached the highest and lowest of our friendship in a mere week. Opposite polars. It's freaky how close to the edge I got, a single word could have end it all. Everything.
Did you stay, for me, or for yourself I wonder. I'm not sure which I want the answer to be.
But yea, screw all this shit. Screw it all. I ain't gonna be knocked down by all this. Not by you.
I swear, I'm going to give my life up for this. However hard it may be, I'm gonna fight through. By love, by wits, or by the very bare soul of myself. If you're gonna run down that cliff, then I'm running it down with you, together with my life.
Gotta be stronger, need to pull through any obstacles. Grit my teeth. I'm too weak now. But I will learn strength.
Ok, after a bit of thinking. This will be my final post about you. Not that I'm forgetting you. I wont. Just that, it's the last bit of that side I'll show to you, gonna write it else where hidden. I'll just leave you with the good parts.
All the hurts. It's a game of tug and war. I don't know how it triggers, but it always ends up as a cascade of hurts. you feel hurt becos you think you hurt me, I feel hurt cos I think I hurt you. And it goes on and on. Someone has to take the initiative to stop.
I dont want to be seen as noble or better. Just that I find, I'm always the one that have to put aside my pain to come back to you, so that it stops the chain reaction. I'm not blaming you. I'm just being immature. Taking far too long to do what I need to do, whether selfless or not, when I finally do, there's already a whole lot of damage done. I need to learn to eat the humble pie. Stop dwelling on my hurts, cos it's hurting you.
I hope you would understand. This is how everything seems to me. It often starts by me sharing some difficulties about you. But it's just difficulties, I get them with everyone. It's not anyone's fault, it's just me having to learn. And I never saw you as a burden, or a hurt. You take those words, feel like you're a burden to me, and then to prevent me from getting hurt, you close up and push me away. As for me, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. The only thing I know is the hurt starts whenever you do that. and it get's excruciatingly painful the more you do it. And then I express more hurts, and then so do you.
You probably really dont want to hurt me. But it's whenever you do what you think is to "protect" me, by cutting me off so I wont be hurt, is where all the hurt begins. Maybe you think that by we being apart, I cant be hurt by you. I cant emphasize how much your actions of not hurting me is the one doing the most, and only damage.
Sometimes, it seems you don't care about me hurting at all. You only care about you getting hurt by feeling you've hurt someone. My hurts is only a trigger to your pain, and you don't want that. But you never really cared about me.
Stop saying it's not my fault. Stop trying to be nice. In this hurt game, if you're the one that starts hurting first, it means I'm the trigger. I'm at fault too. By me dwelling in my own pain, I only cause you more. But I think my biggest wrong, is making you feel like you're a burden when in reality, you're not. Despite whatever I do, if you cant understand that, then it's my fault for not communicating it well. I hardly look into your own pains as to how I might trigger them, and then think I'm expressing everything to be honest with you. But maybe honesty doesn't work at all times. I never considered how it would affect you. I gave you something beyond what you could handle.
So yea, someone has to stop this hurt game. I'll do it alright. And this is the last time I'll be honest about my pains to you, in my final hope that you'll understand what you intended. I'll do what you want. I'll stay away from you, and let you be closed. Cause I'm causing you the hurt. If I dont show anything, then you wont be hurt either. Yea, so its better if I bear the pain alone in silence. If it makes you feel better.
It seems like as though I'm playing the same game as you. Closing up to prevent the other person from hurting. I wonder if you'll be hurt like I did. I think it will, but I hope it doesnt. I'm not doing this for revenge. But I hope you'll understand, that if you truly do love me, that the pain of being pushed away is excruciatingly piercing.
I wonder if you'll ever stop. Stop, and really care about me. To understand what is really hurting me. But I guess I should stop trying to make this work. Only hurting you more. You know. if we really look at it from the bigger picture. You never were any burden to me. But maybe I was...
Just go alright. just that you know, stop saying you love me, or don't want to hurt me. Really. Because you're only concerned about yourself. You've never really seen or understand where and how I got hurt. I'm fine if you're only concerned about yourself. I only selfishly ask that, please, spare me my feelings. I don't expect you to love me in return, just that when you say all those things, it rekindles that hope in me. don't tell me you dont want me to hurt, when your actions do so.
Hais. I don't know if now what I say qualifies as loving you, now that I've stop being with you. I'm not sure if this will be the best. But I want to tell you, I never will give up on you. I never ever thought of you as a burden either. It was just me coming to understand the terms of love.
You'll probably feel all hurt again after reading this. You've not hurting because you feel you hurt me. It's because you think you're a burden, a pain, when you never were. I hope you'll realize that none of that was ever real.
And so, I guess this ends our story. I will continue it on my own, in the dark. Love costs, and this will be my biggest price, learning how to let go. I'll be waiting for you, for the day, maybe you'd love me back. Pain as it will be, I'll be watching over you, loving you, from wherever I am. I hope life gets better for you.
Heh, everyone that reads my blog thinks I'm in some sort of relationship with a girl.
First off, I want to say that, not everything that happens between a guy and a girl indicates romance. I'll jus say that between genuine love and romance, there has been much misintepretation by many ppl.
Not that I've reached the state of genuine love, but I've set my heart for it. I dun deny thr's a bit of romance essence in it, but it's all about regulating it. And if there's room for arguing, I'll end off with saying that I'm guided by my own motive checks.
Subjective, but I go by a certain strict principle of selfish/selflessness.Romance is not necessarily bad. Its natural. Just that ppl at times take it and over do it. Get all high in love with each other. and when the passion's out, poof~ But in genuine love there's a aspect of doing what's best uh. And sometimes that means keeping away from each other to avoid temptations into selfish indulgence.
Yea, genuine love also means that although thr's romantic feelings involved, it's about regulating and keeping check of each other to stay on track.As for me, undeniably there's romantic feelings, but that's not the priority. The function of genuine love as to override the passion of romance. even if it means having to go against what I feel like.
But hey ho, as for all that intimacy expressed in my blog, once again, I will say why are such reservations made only for romance. Love was meant to be freely given to everyone, family, friends, acquaintance and even enemies. We only hold back because of our own selfishness, or fears and worries.
Hey people. Stop thinking on what the world defines relationship as, but take a look at the bigger picture, even if you dun agree with me. There has to be something more to a relationship than just mutual attraction and feelings.
I told myself I’ll bear the consequences, and I guess this is part of it.
I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t think we should be in this sudden change of state. Maybe everything’s a misunderstanding? I don’t know. I’m not even sure of what’s going on. And I’m trying hard to keep myself strong, and not to fall to those subjective thoughts.
I dunno why you’re hurting. I don’t know what I did. Was it my words? Hais. And, I don’t want to let this fall. I don’t want things to back they were. But I’ve got no chance at all. The environment, the timing, the situation, and the doors I feel are shutting towards me.
The irony of wanting to protect me is hurting me itself. Your walls are lined with piercing barbs. The sheer iciness breaks any touch of contact on it.
But owells, I guess it’s my own doing. It’s just something I have to bear. Sorry for all the pain I caused. Please help me, I’m not sure if you would really help me in this. Maybe I’ll have to fight alone again. But hey, I aint gonna tag this as “emo” because I’m gonna fight it as hard as I can. I'm so close to falling over the edge, but I'm holding on, by the tip of my fingers, a bit more into falling into that chasm again. Take it as my consequences I offered to bear.
But more importantly, for you, for that smile on your face once again. I cant let it slip away.
I need to stay strong dammit. cmon Darren. One step at a time. Keep. pushing. I guess i'm killing myself over nothing again. Hais.
When I choose you over other things that seemed better, it's not that I've lose out on them because of you, but that if I chose them, I would have lost you.
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Heh, prepared a whole lot of emo stuff but argh. I guess I aint letting it out on here. Feels much better after ranting, and looking back, I know it's isn't good for it to be shown, as much as I'd like to be known. Dooesn't do anyone any good.
But hey, here's the more positive version.
Anyway, we've been through it so many times already, but I didn't expected the fall to come so fast, thought I feel it's uncalled for.
I don't understand anything though, really. I'm only aware I was talking about my fears and worries, and suddenly afterward something triggered. Maybe I didn't understand your point. I don't know really. I just don't know what happened.
And truthfully. I feel treated unjustly. Everything just happened and then all doors were shut. I feel that you at least owe me an explanation.
I'd admit, all those feelings came rushing in. Thoughts of being worthless, and why I'm doing all these again. The pain was excruciating. Really. It hurts beyond depths of anything. Im sure you know those hurts.
And just in case, since I have no idea was happening, I take a guess of you feeling like you hurt me or sorts. I'm really not sure. but I want to tell you, the only time you hurt me, are the times you cut me off like that. It pierces me to the core. But owells. I dunno luh uh. I suddenly feel so exhausted during those moments. But hey, whatever it is, I'm still gonna fight for you. I'm not gonna let everything go. I'm weak, but I will persevere.
Darren Nico Pillai