Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
Was thinking of what kind of person I am. I tend not to look at positive things I have done, if any (get what I mean?) So I thought why not give myself a chance.
Recently spent $80 with my free vouchers. Got treats for my family, a tub of ice cream and can of clams each, instant mee for my bro, and chocs for friends. It's was on my way home that I realized out of that much spent, I only used $6 for myself, (one tin of delicious clams, which I so quickly devoured).
So what kind of person am I? Was I selfless when I got everyone stuff and not for myself?
Been meeting up with various people too, people whom have made a significant part of my life. I don't think about others all the time, but yet I'd want to meet them at least once before I enter army. I know it's not like my life ends there, but a part of me fears that in this new season of my life, I won't be walking down the same path with some people.
Does this show I cherish and value them? That I do in some little way, love these friends around me?
I think others might laugh at me if I told them I didn't think I was someone good. Each time someone tells me something good about me, I make great efforts to contain myself. Inside, I'm all bubbling and crazily happy, wishing to hear it over and over again, but that would be plain silly wouldn't it? xD I know I'll constantly remind myself not to keep asking/talking about it. Haha.
Oh wells, I know I have a negative view of my self. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be bias towards myself and learn to see the good that I really am. But I dunno, maybe it keeps me more humble this way.
Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.
What does it mean if someone is willing to go further for you than you would for them?
For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?
Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude: 1. He/she loves you more than you do. 2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.
People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?
I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).
I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?
To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?
For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.
That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.
There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?
Kinda busy rushing deadlines this week, but here's to bookmark a post to write after I'm done with my work :)
Do you ever feel envious of other people can do and then look at yourself and sigh?
Was on the topic of assurance with a friend when an old thought struck me, I wasn't the most assuring person or friend. At most I'd be a spark but I'm often absent at some point of time, someone that wouldn't fit a long lasting relationship. It's not that I dont want to, sometimes, I really don't know how. I wish I knew though.
Tim disagreed. Calling in my own destructive beliefs that blinded me from what people saw in me, he said one thing that really encouraged me. "People seek for shelters. You are the bus to the shelters". I guess that made a lot more sense to what I do.
I do want to be there for people, for the ones I care, and for those who need. I guess I live more in the moment, do what I see needs to be done, touch and go. Though it isn't permanent, it provides a transitional carriage to a better place for someone to go. A short journey of care and assistance before placing them in better hands.
And yea, I am envious, when I see people being there for each other through time and age. I wish I could be a more stable source of help, being a reliable pillar for those who need. But I guess the way I am in what I do has it's roles as well...?
The little things that give people that push, or the catalyst for change, that light support as they take flight. And sometimes bringing help to them in indirect ways instead. Chartering a network of support and links.
Honestly, seeing it in a new perspective, I'd take pride in my role. It's quite an honour to be the one who "drives" someone to where they need to go. I may not be the solution, but I get to be part of the process to it.
I think my word to people out there would be, to be yourself just as you are. Not only that, but to believe in yourself, take pride in who and what you are. Cos no one does a better job at filling up that role than you. What you do may be smaller or seemingly insignificant as compared to others, but what you do is solely unique of its very own, right down to microscopic differences that is only brought out because of your unique personality and traits. And to be fully who you are, means being that special role at maximum efficiency and effectiveness. You are made special.
On a side note, how many of us really appreciate bus drivers? We travel everyday, getting to our locations by the service of these people. Do we thank them more than we'd complain about the bus being late, or driving too slowly. Do we go out and set for ourselves to make great accomplishments, yet forget about the insignificant rides that take us to and fro daily. Have we stop to think, what difference would it make if bus drivers stop doing what they do. A whole society is likely to be brought to a standstill by people whose existence we don't remember, and perhaps dont care. They made it possible for you to do what you could. People all around are the same. No one man makes it big on his own. And for that, we all ought to be a bit more grateful.
Reading past chat logs reminded me how much I've changed since poly.
Oh I remember growing up as the most mischievous rascal, relying on a facade of snide remarks and mean jokes to aid my only way of interaction with people I knew. And then came the depressive period, and after much years, the light at the end of the tunnel.
But you know, even though I wouldn't be the first person you'd like to be friends with then, I always had an image of who I wanted to be. I often daydreamed of myself being someone really nice, being there to help others when they needed. Perhaps a mentor, a friend, or maybe just an one-off impact. Someone people would like, though not necessarily remember, but I always dream of being that one who if came to mind, would put a smile on someone's face.
And after 3 years, that dream has come into fruition. I'm amazed actually, by how much I've changed. Once, I used to be someone who could only fathom the idea of doing something good, and today, I well might have done quite a lot already. And I'm happy for that.
Though one thing remains that saddens me. Sometimes as much well a person some perceive me to be, a other side remains unknown to many. It feels like after 3 years, I didn't really changed, merely learnt and developed a good side of me, but for that, many issues and flaws remain, haunting me like an inner demon residing in me.
I hate that. I detest that part of me that remains extremely yet tactfully self centered. Like a corrupt fiend that seeps its evil, sowing tares amongst the wheat. It's been a cause of hurts and pain, sometimes much so for others. This demon, the malformed product of my neglected past and selfish desires. I really wish I could be just a normal good person. I don't want to be bad. I dont want to be selfish. I don't like to.
God please help me be a genuinely good person. I don't want to be a two-faced person. Transform me fully rather than me being a mere function of divided flaws. I want to feel human too, and experience the joy and magic of true relationships with people around me.
I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.
Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.
I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.
Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.
I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.
I hate it. The inner demon inside. Corrupt; tainting every relationship I have. I can never look at anyone through a pure mind. Why do I have to see them in such light. Why can't I just love people for who they are. Why must everything I do be so self-centric. If I could, I'd dig inside me and cut it out. All I want is just to have friends, to enjoy the essence of those bonds. No altruistic agenda, no ulterior motives.
Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".
We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"
I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.
As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.
The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.
Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"
I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?
I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.
I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.
"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"
Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.
the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.
I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.
I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.
I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.
But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls
I wanna dedicate this post in memory of the crazy feat we managed today. For a day makred by so many wonderful memories. Pulled off an emergency performance in under a week - 3 days of practice - barely 10 hours of formal practice. Not sure, I'm just so glad we managed it, and did fairly well on stage.
Started off quite worrying and stressful. Got pretty mad and upset a few times, so much so that I actually raised my voice in hiclub for the first time just to get things down seriously, though it got soft after that. The group was mostly girls so I cant really bear to go down too harshly on the practices. Took a lot of risks with the groups too, only learning the formation on the day of the performance. And I'll admit, there were some particular difficult ones to handle. heh
And then for the plentiful of memories. I love watching the smile on the teams' faces each time we executed our steps and signing perfectly. and definitely to be able to pull this off in a record breaker of 3 days. Running in the rain just to support the other team. Hearing a whole bunch of people screaming when I went solo >< Watching a new generation raising the bar of song signing. Being thanked, and spending time with all of Hiclub.
Through the joy and times of stress, I've learnt 2 things.
1. leadership
Circumstances really pushed me hard this time. I do see the potential in this group, yet there's a glass barrier blocking their progress. The things that needed to be done reminded me of a leader's sacrifice. Juggled my fyp, perf formation, and practices, forgoing a heck lot of sleep, skipping dinner to make time for the team, overslept when i instructed everyone to come punctually (which they did...). It's a cost, but every leader has the responsibility of the group and the people assigned to him or her. The members burdens must be the leader's burdens, something I hope I can better learn to care more for my members.
2. Pushing boundaries.
It suddenly dawned upon me. I've been pushing some major boundaries in the context of song signing. I've made a performance that everyone never stops moving (Waka waka), one that's pretty badass synchronization (change a heart change the world), gesturish performance (to the sky), shortest time for internal perf, 1 nite (dj got us falling in love), shortest external perf-3days (Big time rush), formal concert (grandioso), and maybe more that I dont remember. I mean really, of course the credit is not all mine. It'll never be possible without my friends' support, partners empowerment and member's cooperation. But I'm just glad I be have managed and be part of these feats, and pushing these boundaries outwards. Keep succeeding yourself, find every little way to improve and refine, and of course to challenge limits. Never settle for anything less than better.
I'm glad I got this chance to lead the team again in performing. I do have my ego in terms of being recognized and appreciated, but I'm happy that for one, this time I really felt happy to see my members perform and grow. I think that's really all that matters.
I thank everyone for their encouragement and support through this week, reminding me of our pass success, hearing me rant, and coming down to be there. I hope it'll be a good experience and meaningful memory for everyone to look back on next time and then you all will continue to grow and progress from here on. Ah, I also hope that all of you will aspire to guide and watch over the next generation as you take the roles of seniors.
And yea, dont forget the chorus yea =)
Go on shake it up what you gotta lose Go make luck with life you choose If want all, lay on line Only life you got, so go live big time
I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'd never let me go, through it all.
This song sung in cell comforted me greatly today. When I'm alone and needy, God always there to carry me through. You'd never let me go no matter what.
Papa, am I that hard to accept? =/ Why do the closest people turn away and hate me?
Hoping alone is not enough to change things. There needs to be transformation.
Need to learn how to love people more, how to cherish them more.
Somehow I know they mean something to me, yet like a wandering spirit, I have little anchor points on what grounds me to people. They come and go in my mind, as though possibly with little value. And I guess you can't find security in the unpredictability of the wind. Maybe they don't mean enough to me, for me to just hold on to them like it's all I got.
I've never really been a sturdy anchor. The kind that when it comes to mind, I'll do, and when it doesn't, I'll forget. There isn't a consistency in my relationships.
I know I used to keep searching for something and hence neglected people. But since then, I have kept to what I have, doing things to cherish those around me.
But I realize, in a great part of my life, I still lack love. That genuine love that springs forth naturally as you've put it. Something's lacking. It's like despite all the good knowledge and actions of altruistic selfless, I lack the heart for it. Somehow somewhere I just doesnt feel like the full extent and outreach of love I know I should be feeling. It feels so human. And so, no matter how nice, good, impactful I am, the truth remains that without love, I'll be nothing just as I am now, still an empty soul.
Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
And though I have an undying hope that pulls me up and a rooted faith in the sovereignty of God, I somehow can only say, I have not yet known love.
For as much as I have relentlessly sought it, maybe it's time I went back to the roots, the calmness in chaos, the peace in strife, the strength in weakness, the grace in lack, the forgiveness in guilt, the love in emptiness.
"God is love" as written in John. and if I don't know love, I dont know God. And I because don't know God, I don't know love.
It's time. I'll need to do something about myself for once. I need to set my heart right. I need transformation.
God please teach me, and open my heart and show me how to love. As I'll learn to look to you, draw me closer to you.
Loving people should be something easy, isn't it? Yet why do I find it difficult to?
Loving that comes from the heart should be natural and thus readily there. On contrary, I somehow find it exhausting to keep this love actively going, in fact, I shouldn't even be trying this hard. It can't be entirely so that I'll be void of love. I know it exists in me, for my friends, family, and beloved people that come to mind. One death should be enough to let me know the pain of irreplaceable loss, yet my actions speaks little of that dreadful reminder that lingers in shadows of my mind.
Why do I find it so hard to love, the enthusiasm and excitement that typically bursts out of the people around I see.
need to pace myself slowly step by step I'll do this
and I realize. I feel uncomfortable when people pursue me. And when I know they're serious and gonna invest in me I fear even more. Everything's cool till they start inching towards me, and then I get paranoid.
I feel like a bomb, something that'll hurt people the closer they are. And inside me, I run each time they try to come near. My inside cries out "Don't come near me."
I'd want to be normal like others, I wanna have friends. but no, I'm something that poses a danger, someone that will bring pain. And so I need to flee, so no one will get hurt. Sorry to the people I keep rejecting
I wish I can find someone safe from my harm, someone I can feel secured in. And that that he/she will take my hand and love me,
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
Was thinking of what kind of person I am. I tend not to look at positive things I have done, if any (get what I mean?) So I thought why not give myself a chance.
Recently spent $80 with my free vouchers. Got treats for my family, a tub of ice cream and can of clams each, instant mee for my bro, and chocs for friends. It's was on my way home that I realized out of that much spent, I only used $6 for myself, (one tin of delicious clams, which I so quickly devoured).
So what kind of person am I? Was I selfless when I got everyone stuff and not for myself?
Been meeting up with various people too, people whom have made a significant part of my life. I don't think about others all the time, but yet I'd want to meet them at least once before I enter army. I know it's not like my life ends there, but a part of me fears that in this new season of my life, I won't be walking down the same path with some people.
Does this show I cherish and value them? That I do in some little way, love these friends around me?
I think others might laugh at me if I told them I didn't think I was someone good. Each time someone tells me something good about me, I make great efforts to contain myself. Inside, I'm all bubbling and crazily happy, wishing to hear it over and over again, but that would be plain silly wouldn't it? xD I know I'll constantly remind myself not to keep asking/talking about it. Haha.
Oh wells, I know I have a negative view of my self. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be bias towards myself and learn to see the good that I really am. But I dunno, maybe it keeps me more humble this way.
Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.
What does it mean if someone is willing to go further for you than you would for them?
For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?
Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude: 1. He/she loves you more than you do. 2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.
People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?
I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).
I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?
To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?
For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.
That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.
There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?
Kinda busy rushing deadlines this week, but here's to bookmark a post to write after I'm done with my work :)
Do you ever feel envious of other people can do and then look at yourself and sigh?
Was on the topic of assurance with a friend when an old thought struck me, I wasn't the most assuring person or friend. At most I'd be a spark but I'm often absent at some point of time, someone that wouldn't fit a long lasting relationship. It's not that I dont want to, sometimes, I really don't know how. I wish I knew though.
Tim disagreed. Calling in my own destructive beliefs that blinded me from what people saw in me, he said one thing that really encouraged me. "People seek for shelters. You are the bus to the shelters". I guess that made a lot more sense to what I do.
I do want to be there for people, for the ones I care, and for those who need. I guess I live more in the moment, do what I see needs to be done, touch and go. Though it isn't permanent, it provides a transitional carriage to a better place for someone to go. A short journey of care and assistance before placing them in better hands.
And yea, I am envious, when I see people being there for each other through time and age. I wish I could be a more stable source of help, being a reliable pillar for those who need. But I guess the way I am in what I do has it's roles as well...?
The little things that give people that push, or the catalyst for change, that light support as they take flight. And sometimes bringing help to them in indirect ways instead. Chartering a network of support and links.
Honestly, seeing it in a new perspective, I'd take pride in my role. It's quite an honour to be the one who "drives" someone to where they need to go. I may not be the solution, but I get to be part of the process to it.
I think my word to people out there would be, to be yourself just as you are. Not only that, but to believe in yourself, take pride in who and what you are. Cos no one does a better job at filling up that role than you. What you do may be smaller or seemingly insignificant as compared to others, but what you do is solely unique of its very own, right down to microscopic differences that is only brought out because of your unique personality and traits. And to be fully who you are, means being that special role at maximum efficiency and effectiveness. You are made special.
On a side note, how many of us really appreciate bus drivers? We travel everyday, getting to our locations by the service of these people. Do we thank them more than we'd complain about the bus being late, or driving too slowly. Do we go out and set for ourselves to make great accomplishments, yet forget about the insignificant rides that take us to and fro daily. Have we stop to think, what difference would it make if bus drivers stop doing what they do. A whole society is likely to be brought to a standstill by people whose existence we don't remember, and perhaps dont care. They made it possible for you to do what you could. People all around are the same. No one man makes it big on his own. And for that, we all ought to be a bit more grateful.
Reading past chat logs reminded me how much I've changed since poly.
Oh I remember growing up as the most mischievous rascal, relying on a facade of snide remarks and mean jokes to aid my only way of interaction with people I knew. And then came the depressive period, and after much years, the light at the end of the tunnel.
But you know, even though I wouldn't be the first person you'd like to be friends with then, I always had an image of who I wanted to be. I often daydreamed of myself being someone really nice, being there to help others when they needed. Perhaps a mentor, a friend, or maybe just an one-off impact. Someone people would like, though not necessarily remember, but I always dream of being that one who if came to mind, would put a smile on someone's face.
And after 3 years, that dream has come into fruition. I'm amazed actually, by how much I've changed. Once, I used to be someone who could only fathom the idea of doing something good, and today, I well might have done quite a lot already. And I'm happy for that.
Though one thing remains that saddens me. Sometimes as much well a person some perceive me to be, a other side remains unknown to many. It feels like after 3 years, I didn't really changed, merely learnt and developed a good side of me, but for that, many issues and flaws remain, haunting me like an inner demon residing in me.
I hate that. I detest that part of me that remains extremely yet tactfully self centered. Like a corrupt fiend that seeps its evil, sowing tares amongst the wheat. It's been a cause of hurts and pain, sometimes much so for others. This demon, the malformed product of my neglected past and selfish desires. I really wish I could be just a normal good person. I don't want to be bad. I dont want to be selfish. I don't like to.
God please help me be a genuinely good person. I don't want to be a two-faced person. Transform me fully rather than me being a mere function of divided flaws. I want to feel human too, and experience the joy and magic of true relationships with people around me.
I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.
Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.
I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.
Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.
I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.
I hate it. The inner demon inside. Corrupt; tainting every relationship I have. I can never look at anyone through a pure mind. Why do I have to see them in such light. Why can't I just love people for who they are. Why must everything I do be so self-centric. If I could, I'd dig inside me and cut it out. All I want is just to have friends, to enjoy the essence of those bonds. No altruistic agenda, no ulterior motives.
Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".
We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"
I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.
As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.
The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.
Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"
I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?
I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.
I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.
"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"
Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.
the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.
I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.
I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.
I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.
But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls
I wanna dedicate this post in memory of the crazy feat we managed today. For a day makred by so many wonderful memories. Pulled off an emergency performance in under a week - 3 days of practice - barely 10 hours of formal practice. Not sure, I'm just so glad we managed it, and did fairly well on stage.
Started off quite worrying and stressful. Got pretty mad and upset a few times, so much so that I actually raised my voice in hiclub for the first time just to get things down seriously, though it got soft after that. The group was mostly girls so I cant really bear to go down too harshly on the practices. Took a lot of risks with the groups too, only learning the formation on the day of the performance. And I'll admit, there were some particular difficult ones to handle. heh
And then for the plentiful of memories. I love watching the smile on the teams' faces each time we executed our steps and signing perfectly. and definitely to be able to pull this off in a record breaker of 3 days. Running in the rain just to support the other team. Hearing a whole bunch of people screaming when I went solo >< Watching a new generation raising the bar of song signing. Being thanked, and spending time with all of Hiclub.
Through the joy and times of stress, I've learnt 2 things.
1. leadership
Circumstances really pushed me hard this time. I do see the potential in this group, yet there's a glass barrier blocking their progress. The things that needed to be done reminded me of a leader's sacrifice. Juggled my fyp, perf formation, and practices, forgoing a heck lot of sleep, skipping dinner to make time for the team, overslept when i instructed everyone to come punctually (which they did...). It's a cost, but every leader has the responsibility of the group and the people assigned to him or her. The members burdens must be the leader's burdens, something I hope I can better learn to care more for my members.
2. Pushing boundaries.
It suddenly dawned upon me. I've been pushing some major boundaries in the context of song signing. I've made a performance that everyone never stops moving (Waka waka), one that's pretty badass synchronization (change a heart change the world), gesturish performance (to the sky), shortest time for internal perf, 1 nite (dj got us falling in love), shortest external perf-3days (Big time rush), formal concert (grandioso), and maybe more that I dont remember. I mean really, of course the credit is not all mine. It'll never be possible without my friends' support, partners empowerment and member's cooperation. But I'm just glad I be have managed and be part of these feats, and pushing these boundaries outwards. Keep succeeding yourself, find every little way to improve and refine, and of course to challenge limits. Never settle for anything less than better.
I'm glad I got this chance to lead the team again in performing. I do have my ego in terms of being recognized and appreciated, but I'm happy that for one, this time I really felt happy to see my members perform and grow. I think that's really all that matters.
I thank everyone for their encouragement and support through this week, reminding me of our pass success, hearing me rant, and coming down to be there. I hope it'll be a good experience and meaningful memory for everyone to look back on next time and then you all will continue to grow and progress from here on. Ah, I also hope that all of you will aspire to guide and watch over the next generation as you take the roles of seniors.
And yea, dont forget the chorus yea =)
Go on shake it up what you gotta lose Go make luck with life you choose If want all, lay on line Only life you got, so go live big time
I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me I'm carried in everlasting arms, You'd never let me go, through it all.
This song sung in cell comforted me greatly today. When I'm alone and needy, God always there to carry me through. You'd never let me go no matter what.
Papa, am I that hard to accept? =/ Why do the closest people turn away and hate me?
Hoping alone is not enough to change things. There needs to be transformation.
Need to learn how to love people more, how to cherish them more.
Somehow I know they mean something to me, yet like a wandering spirit, I have little anchor points on what grounds me to people. They come and go in my mind, as though possibly with little value. And I guess you can't find security in the unpredictability of the wind. Maybe they don't mean enough to me, for me to just hold on to them like it's all I got.
I've never really been a sturdy anchor. The kind that when it comes to mind, I'll do, and when it doesn't, I'll forget. There isn't a consistency in my relationships.
I know I used to keep searching for something and hence neglected people. But since then, I have kept to what I have, doing things to cherish those around me.
But I realize, in a great part of my life, I still lack love. That genuine love that springs forth naturally as you've put it. Something's lacking. It's like despite all the good knowledge and actions of altruistic selfless, I lack the heart for it. Somehow somewhere I just doesnt feel like the full extent and outreach of love I know I should be feeling. It feels so human. And so, no matter how nice, good, impactful I am, the truth remains that without love, I'll be nothing just as I am now, still an empty soul.
Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
And though I have an undying hope that pulls me up and a rooted faith in the sovereignty of God, I somehow can only say, I have not yet known love.
For as much as I have relentlessly sought it, maybe it's time I went back to the roots, the calmness in chaos, the peace in strife, the strength in weakness, the grace in lack, the forgiveness in guilt, the love in emptiness.
"God is love" as written in John. and if I don't know love, I dont know God. And I because don't know God, I don't know love.
It's time. I'll need to do something about myself for once. I need to set my heart right. I need transformation.
God please teach me, and open my heart and show me how to love. As I'll learn to look to you, draw me closer to you.
Loving people should be something easy, isn't it? Yet why do I find it difficult to?
Loving that comes from the heart should be natural and thus readily there. On contrary, I somehow find it exhausting to keep this love actively going, in fact, I shouldn't even be trying this hard. It can't be entirely so that I'll be void of love. I know it exists in me, for my friends, family, and beloved people that come to mind. One death should be enough to let me know the pain of irreplaceable loss, yet my actions speaks little of that dreadful reminder that lingers in shadows of my mind.
Why do I find it so hard to love, the enthusiasm and excitement that typically bursts out of the people around I see.
need to pace myself slowly step by step I'll do this
and I realize. I feel uncomfortable when people pursue me. And when I know they're serious and gonna invest in me I fear even more. Everything's cool till they start inching towards me, and then I get paranoid.
I feel like a bomb, something that'll hurt people the closer they are. And inside me, I run each time they try to come near. My inside cries out "Don't come near me."
I'd want to be normal like others, I wanna have friends. but no, I'm something that poses a danger, someone that will bring pain. And so I need to flee, so no one will get hurt. Sorry to the people I keep rejecting
I wish I can find someone safe from my harm, someone I can feel secured in. And that that he/she will take my hand and love me,
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Darren Nico Pillai