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Three's a Crowd
Thursday, September 30, 2010

Was gonna post up the different things I've learnt but somehow this had to come it first.

Ever since back from the camp, I've been facing a new set of troubles in life. Social relations.
Feeling dam overwhelmed by the people around me. Maybe its the facade of my "sociable and friendly" side of people expecting me to talk or something, cause seriously I have no friggin idea. So dam tired of trying to keep up with all these relations I feel like going into hiding for a moment.

Just to let everyone know, I am not a sociable fellow. As much as times where I may seem I am. I do things in a very impersonal way, and I'm not sure if the people around me feels like subtle coldness, I hope you do, so that you can understand the way I function.

As next, is that for the social compartment in my head where everyone stores their friends and stuff, I only have a working capacity for really at most 1-2 people at one current point of time. Meaning, I can only keep up two quality conversation over msn, or focus on a single relationship (maintaining/building) in the present. Which is why I tend to "jump" friendships. When I make a new friend, I appear to leave all my friends to go mix with that person, and then after awhile I "jump" back

Dear friends, I've just been back from a camp which has drained much of me, having to constantly step up of my comfort zone and lead people around me. As well and with the new objective I am aiming to overcome in my life, it's taking a heck lot of mental strength.

All I ask for all of you, is to understand the way I work, you don't need to know my full history, but all I require is for you all to understand of my quite low social capacity and my tendency to be overloaded.

Please I ask of you all, to not pressurize me, into having to live up to expectations, expectations of having to live up as a friend. I'm trying my utmost best, balancing between all the current relations in my circle and the new ones that are coming my way in due time not to mention to recover from the fatigue.

I'm tired of having to constantly live up to an ideal that is not me. Having to answer every call, every message, having to put up a strong front of being a friend. I really just want to be real to myself, and I don't wish to see myself as someone who is a sucky shitty friend that fails everyone, I know I have my limitations, but I'm learning along the way.

Even in communication, it burns a part of my emotions and energy in every response I give. I put great effort into every thought and reply because I don't like the idea of simply answering for the sake of answering and that burns me waaaay more out. But the thing is, I'm willing to return this part of me in effort for the things you people have done for me.

Please don't get me wrong here, I say all this out is for people to know me better, not to say anyone is a burden or what, which I forsee many people probably gonna think that way. If I choose not to emo(negative thinking) over this matters, you people have no reason to as well. It certainly brings me great joy whenever I can be there for a friend, or that a friend decides to share their time with me.

But I sincerely ask of you all to not place your expectations on me? Expectations often only lead to disappointment. To be honest, each time I see a friend disappointed by the way I am, of how I may inadvertly fail to fulfill some requirements or personal needs of others, it breaks my heart terribly. It takes something as simple as, "you always ignore me" for me to go completely emo. You have no idea sometimes, the little things you guys do that puts me down (despite feeling you're not expecting anything from me but face it, we all have expectations, and I feel them).

But I'm choosing not to be emo and to face up to things so I hope none of you all would lead to negative thoughts either (like withholding your negative feelings towards me. I know you all care, but I'm stronger then that. And I cherish the your truth more than you trying to forget things and be nice to me.

Tim, Zx, DX, HQ, QY, and as well as to those I have lost my focus on, I ask of you all to please pardon me for my poor friendship and relating skills, of the times I've neglected you, or made you feel used, took you for granted, and times I failed to be there for you. I may not be the best friend or sorts, but I really treasure you all in mind as best that I can. Thank you for being there for me and being my friend despite having to endure the nonreciprocal affects.

To the friends I have sadly forgotten, (yea you bestacq) truthfully, you may not be in my very mind at this present time, but I really want to let you all know that everything you people have done to me, both the good and the bad, the known and unknown, the recognized and unseen, I wanna thank you all for investing that bit of your time and life into mine, because I will never be who I am if not for you all. Sounds cliche yea, but I truly believe in the power of every little action and the difference they make.

To all friends in the past, present and future, I'm sorry for the disappointments I've caused, and I seek your understanding to accept me for who I am, my flaws and failures, and that I'll work hard to improve myself more;

...to be a better friend.

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The Cold Hard Truth
Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Being getting nice words here and there from the people around me. Especially in camp =) Think the leaders are proud of me as well as for the effort I've put in hahax Thank God :D

I can't remember working so hard so something before. Projects maybe, but somehow this was just something more, it didn't mattered about me only, lives were at stake, maaany lives. But i'm glad I managed to pull through.

Had a nice comment recently, about me and my really long preachy speeches. I think it's the first time someone affirmed me for going on like that ._. I kinda always felt that most people disliked that part of me going on and on about something and how one should be doing this and that. Or maybe as the person said, she needed the cold hard truth smack in the face. Thanks though ._. means a lot to me.

Think most of us know the truth deep down inside of us. All of us were built that way, we know the needs we need, we know the problems we face, and we know our flaws inside out. Just that sometimes, its hard to face them, and al the anxiety it brings, the negative feeligns, hence people turn a blind eye to them and take the easier way out, by trying to be simply happy.

I think that facing up to the problems in life will indeed cause a bit of unhappiness, but at least the impact is lasting. Once something is settled, its often settled for a good long time. Such as maybe a deep enmity towards one's parents for wrongs done, perhaps such as neglect, rather than living a "problem-less" life and then going about trying to achieve this sense of worth from friends which only fills up temporarily.

But owells, haha for the time being then, I shall be still smacking these truths into people's face whether they like it or not. Knowledge is responsibility, and knowing would bring up the choice to do something or not, and I'm hoping that some of you would. To help your own selves.

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It wasn't out of jest when I said that to you. I genuinely meant so, though I said it in a nonchalant way. It's something I don't feel comfortable saying, but I did, just to let you know you are. My words hold no weight, but my heart goes out to you.

Whoever you are, whatever your past, however you may be...
You're beautiful.

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Camp 180
Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Camp 180 was really great and I hope it was for the many others too. Made a new community within highlife, came to respect a few great people, found another brother, learnt many things, appreciated the work that went behind planning a camp, took up a leadership role, facing up to my biggest fear, and learning to trust in God.

Arrive early at Friday morning to settle the remaining logistics and admin work. When the campers started arriving, my facil mode kicked in but was kinda held back due to my normal fears and thoughts but decided to go ahead with it anyway. Needed to step out of my comfort zone and overcome all these fears.

Ice breakers was fun with me and Caden having to do some random forfeit which I do not know how it happened. Rushed off to our amazing race stations with the campers hot on our trails. Haha, and when i finally reached mine which was lunch in between, had to wait for ages before anyone came, and when they did, oh my, all 4 groups come humtam me at one go. hahaha but it was fun.

Rained during the mass games. Watched as the clouds floated left, and the suddenly right. Wasn't raining but the thunders and lightning around prevented us from playing anything. Made a last minute contingency shift into the small shelter to play the games while squeeze up. Since we waited over 30 minutes, our mass water bomb games was canceled but nonetheless I'm sure we all had fun hahax.

First night service taught about the various lies we often have about God, He being far away, not caring, not always good, and does not hear. Kinda funny how we have our knowledge of God's truth yet we subtlely let in these lies to seep into our minds. Moved on to overcoming these which was to accept our context as we were placed there for a reason, be purified, and face up to the truth, and then look towards God as a model for change.

Late night was interesting, had ministry with a brother and we cried for ages with our tears and mucus flowing abundantly. But I was really glad to see him back. Kinda like my hope for him. :)

Second day started bright and early at 7.30, had quiet time which lead my reading the whole of James and having several passages which spoke out to me. Following that was morning exercise just to wake people up. Once again stepped out of my comfort zone and did something I usually wouldn't hahax. Workshops were great, again touching on the various lies we had.

And yet again, the schedule had t be changed because of major time shortage, and we all opted for the mass game while canceling the other 3 planned games (which we worked kinda hard on...) haha but can see that everyone really had fun.

Night services and the next morning were still good, just that either I was burnt out or just well, hardened heart or sorts, didn't feel much towards it. But not to live by feelings, decided to take the step out, face my biggest fear, openly say it out to all, even to those whom I uncomfortable with and I wanna make it my commitment to change for the better. It's the only thing that stopping me for being who I am.

Yup, kinda sums up the whole experience in a quick flash of 3 days. Kinda sad that I didn't really get to bond with my own group but definitely got a lot out of the camp. Will be posting my thoughts and things I've learnt as the days goes.

for now. piiiictuuures cos my blog is so dang wordy...


Teng Hua, Belicia, Caden, Nico, Amanda, Zhen Hao


Jump shot


I make this look easy :D


mini dance sequence


No NG team




Prayer ring!


Cellmates


Zx and me =)


full cell pic


Dr. Corne Bekker o.o


Wahahas my awesome idea of having a tagboard (literally)


Bonding nite!


They asked me to do it ._.


Home sweet home

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If His power was like the wind



It was magnificent and awe-inspiring. The wind blew, with great strength and magnificence. The world around me shook as though I was trembling, the gushing sound draining away all others.

Was at ECP today with the To2 bunch to celebrate Peiwen's bd. Kinda extra for me to go since i was the only To1 fella there, but I decided to go nonetheless. Had to get my butts out to prevent overthinking emoing and to go out socialise have fun and enjoy a break.

The weather at ECP turned amazing when we got settled down. Could see the storm clouds by the horizon, and watching them roll in was really a sight to behold. But that was nothing. When the first winds blew, it felt like an annoyance, the need to hold things down and the messy hair.

The winds only got stronger, and the waves choppier, and unfortunately hairs messier haha. But I spent the next 30+ minutes standing on the coast, admiring the full beauty of this natural event. A rare chance for such an experience. The flapping of clothes as they beat against the wind, the breaking of waves as they hit the shoreline, and the clouds as though they were charging through the skies.

Was a really great day, until the pelting needle-like raindrops propelled by the already freaking cold and strong wind had me scampering and jumping for shelter. Was a great day out today. Especially laughing away with the bunch of crazy nonsensical retards with screw looses. Had fun and a good break.

I wonder how much air it took, to have a constant gust of wind blowing so long and ever filled with power. I wonder how the waves were able to have so much energy just by the breathe of the wind. I wonder how puny I was compared to the magnificence of such nature. And then i wondered of You. How Your hand created all this, the beauty of nature. How marvelous, how wonderful and amazing, the work of thy hands.

They see the works of the LORD, And His wonders in the deep. For He commands and raises the stormy wind, Which lifts up the waves of the sea. (Psalms 107:24-25)

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Building A Legacy
Thursday, September 23, 2010

Camp planning has been a great horror really. The final week and yet the camp comm have yet to get a full proper meeting for all to get briefed, and even on the programming side, there's so many holes and patching work left to complete. All that while trying to keep up with the other aspects of life. I'm wearing myself out with the constant work each night. I think I've never worked this hard before.

Today, it will be approximately 30 hours more to camp and there's still plenty of touch ups and logistics to be done. Seems impossible for this camp to work out well but then one major factor lies unseen.

God.

I think, this whole camp is gonna work out better than we expect it to be, and firstly, it only goes to show, this isn't done by human strength, but by the grace of God. And beyond what we can do, His ways are above our understanding, and there's things God can do through us which we are even unaware of.

I have a vision of this camp as a legacy upon the future generation, the story of God's work and grace in the miracles of these camp to be told as an inspiration to the people in future.

To You, I lift up my burdens, worries and struggles. I know everything will be alright, because You are here. You always had, have and will be.

You shown me life, you opened my eyes, to the truth that there's no greater love.



On a random side note,

I had a flashback memory of when I was young, how I would sneak up or tricked my mother into hugging me when I was all sticky. Like you know before you bathe kind. Haha, my mom would be wary of me every time I asked for a hug and would eeeeyyeeer at me when I had my sticky layer of sweat smudged over her. Haha, memories man. Rascal indeed xD

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Wilderness
Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Man... time over and over again, I feel so tempted to just abandon everything I'm living for, and take the easier route. Living life simply without a care or hoot of another, simply doing everything I feel like and just letting loose the selfish nature.

All these things which I want, desire or wish for is so easily attainable. I'm sure I have the capacity to fulfill these things. An endless portrait of scenarios, plots and schemes loop in my mind, opening the door to the easy way out of life.

Is this the wilderness? Where He was once too tempted? Tempted to satisfy carnal cravings, for domination and power, to play god if he wanted? This constant urges, selfish urges are bubbling from within.

Is this a trial? God please help me. The torment of these desires, take them far from me. I don't want to conform, neither do I want to see myself fall from Your path to a life of vice, of a false temporal happiness that never fills.

Refine me with Your fire.

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To Let Go Of You
Sunday, September 19, 2010

You asked; what would I do if you were to leave me one day. I replied; I don't know; but I could only promise you that I would not hold you back and let you fly in search of your next true happiness. You looked at me; hugged me firmer than you ever did. That moment; I knew I would have to break my promise. Sorry.

-Poon T.-
I think this is a dam awesome and meaningful quote. It kinda speaks of a sacrificial love yet undying. Quite a deep essence of love I feel.

Sparked off from a simple idea of how one thinks he has to let go no matter what, yet fails to when the moment comes

But I kinda like understanding the deeper meaning behind it. An act of love to sacrifice one's self, one's right to happiness and everything people would have fight to achieve, for another that you so deeply love, in an unpossessive manner.

Here, the author writes of his lover wanting to move on, in search of true happiness, facing the rejection of the one he loves who once belonged to him, cuts himself away from his emotions and affections, putting his love beyond himself, ultimately denying himself his own rights, allowing her freedom from his heart.

In response, his partner hugs him, a physical expression of affection in gratitude, and a reaction sparks off inside his heart. The chains binding away his selfish love for her is instinctively set free to love once again. A selfish love that desires to ignore everything and to fully love another in an embracing and flooding manner. A love that goes beyond himself, his failures and incapabilities and out from the depths of one heart.

The phrase "would have" signifies that unresistable urge of love overpowering him once again. It wasn't a "might have" but a definitive will to do something. A love that's undying, even if sealed away to the abyss of one's void.

Yea, I couldn't help it, I just felt a lot of meaning into it, a deeper essence of love most people would accuse me of thinking too much. It's just different perspectives I guess. I find the beauty behind the actions, the essence of love.

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Done It All

Saw a nice and veh meaningful quote on the way home. Haha, and maybe I can justify a bit of why I appear depressed or emo about myself, or keep feeling that I'm not good enough. Not all, but at least, partially, in a genuine outlook of who I am and what I'm capable of.

"Don't measure life based on what you have achieved, but what you should have achieved with your ability."

Haha yea, I think that's what we should use as a yardstick to measure the outcome of our lives. Not in comparison with others more competent or inferior, or in what that we have. Each of us have our skills and giftings for us to give back to others. Some try to be another person, others refuse their position. But ultimately, we all play our own unique roles to contribute to this whole system of life.

Are you doing justice to what you are capable of? Have you fully done what you ought to do?

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Waka Waka Eh Eh
Thursday, September 16, 2010

ooolala~ today's a haaaappy day! :D

though the day started with lotsa nervousness. Was gonna present my awesome chimmish formation to the camp comm group and was dam afraid they wouldn't like it. I swear I would just pack up and go, my standard so high, ask me re-do also sure come up another shiong formation xD BUT YAAAAAAAAAAAAY IT GOT ACCEPTED AND THEY SAY VERY FUN TOO ZOMG IMA HAPPY SHITZ.

and lawlz, pretty epic I think, the nonstop movement every other second + the dance part HAHA omg, shake the dam hips until gonna get butt cramps man xD But I think the most encouraging thing was when Shuyin said the performance quite enjoyable :D Thaaaaanks Oh, and thanks Tim, for your constant support =]

Anyway waaa zomg, my holidays all never so packed one before.
Bulleted List

This my plan for the hols :D

  • Plan programming for church camp zomg - 1 week left T^T
  • GL for HiClub camp
  • Plan [imbaz] formation for performance
  • HMS LAC Camp GL
  • Precamps for all my camps
  • Do MV project with Timothy
  • Do a social experiment
  • Get my IC & ezlink done
  • Read a book
  • Expand a theory of mine
  • Go interpreter course
  • Have a decent class outing
  • See HMS YEP 2010 off
  • Read up on more personality theories
  • Learn to be a better friend
  • Learn to be a better person
  • Have a decent class outing
  • Watch plenty of moves (online xD)
  • Spam Bejeweled high scores
  • Have more deeper introspective thoughts
  • Start a group project to build character
  • Write a letter to my grandma
  • Do some good works for others

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That Annoying Bugger
Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Today felt a bit like me once again. Back to my old annoying ways after quite some time. Been rather quiet and pensive lately. Walked towards the group in a pretty calm, quiet and controlled manner. Not until i started talking where this sudden urge inside had me being all suanish and sarcastic.

Sometimes I wonder what would I be like if I'm all nice and pleasant. Maybe a little more likable? I wonder if people do have a puny grudge against my "immaturity". Well oh well, sometimes they do get funny moments, but I think they would be times where people dislike it o.O

Commonly, I do the in-your-face kinda jokes, and at times, harsh jokes, but yet all done with no harm intended. I'm sure so far, almost no one has ever not had an experience with a bad joke of mine. And I think the worse ones would be those that put people down...

And then, what would be the reasons behind all these antics, I ask myself sometimes. My lack of communication skills, and how I see it as ways to elicit responses from others? I figured that suaning one makes people response either in retort or defense, kinda keeps something going. Always happens when talking to someone acquainted.

Or perhaps, it's an act to prove my existence to others. To show that I'm noticed and acknowledged by others through their response to me. A similar trait among kids that go without enough attention/love/concern from their parents.

Or yet, maybe it's just my way of pushing others away, putting on a spiked carapace, forcing others away in an antagonistic passive manner, why though, I dunno. To keep myself from hurts? To keep others from hurts? Or to just prove to myself that my disbelief of certain matters are distortedly true.

In the end, just what am I trying to prove to myself.

Seems like it part of every factor mentioned above, maybe more. But why not in reverse be someone more pleasant. Haha, maybe feeling obliged to keep up the expectation of someone good and nice is something I'll rather avoid. Having my good works appear as bonuses and my weird erratic behaviours as "what Darren is"

Lolz much, the capacity to be someone really nice and pleasant put aside by the mere fear of expectations and self-doubt. Well oh well, at least, in their eyes, I'm someone, not that good, which gives me the liberty to slip in my inner self both the good and bad into the seemingly consistent inconsistency of me hahaa

Then again, woah to the times where the good guy within me feels compelled to surface. Man I can be such an awesomely good sucka HAHA. Funny though, having to say so much things I never would say freely without having the chills, holding nothing back, restrainless works. Haha. I laugh every time I think about the times I'm nice xD Rare sight maybe. Should keep it more a secret :D

Should it only be the times where a cry for help is explicitly known before stepping up?
What about those with silent pleas?

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I will rise with you above the storm
Sunday, September 12, 2010

It was a clear blue sky the last time I looked up. Been sitting here for quite some time, for how long I do not remember. Around me, people are walking by, in the busyness of life, a bit of chatting on the phone, a bit of laughing with friends. I smiled seeing their happiness

A pensive mood, I leaned against the wall, wondering if my existence ever made a difference to someone. It isn't helping that the winds are getting colder and rain clouds are edging inwards, enveloping the city in it's shadows.

The patter of light drizzle sends people scurrying for shelter. Umbrellas shoot up in a blooming fashion, and in the proximity of it, makeshifts covers from bags and ragged newspapers. The only unchanged thing is me.

It's dark and cold, with a few accompanying claps of thunder. My knees held up and tucked in, shielding myself from the pelting raindrops. Will anyone ever notice? I glanced across the now abandoned street. And if they did, would they help? The storms grows stronger, and I wonder if the rain did made any difference.

Sometimes, I choose to sit there, under the bitter and harsh weather to see if anyone out there would help. If they chanced upon one who's destitute, drenched and wretched, would they stop to offer space under their shelter, or save the awkwardness and move on, comforting themselves that it isn't that bad. I'll be waiting.

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I was awakened slightly by the ceasing of raindrops. I surveyed the floor around me and see rain still falling and the ends of a robe and two sandals peeking out under it. I looked up into the sight of a young man, under the shade of a white umbrella. His eyes held warmness in its gaze, and a smile with a tender concern.

I declined his gesture, my head sunk lower than before. He didn't turn however, instead, he made his seat beside me, smiling silently back and my bewildered look. I chuckled in disbelief. It wasn't necessary, but it made a difference, in a way I couldn't describe. A sense of peace, before I drifted of to sleep.


Funny though. I had this vision in my mind constantly replaying, over and over again. I think the peace I'm looking for, isn't what I think it is now. But it's there, I know it is.

Psalms 32:7

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Simplistic Complexity
Friday, September 10, 2010

Haha thanks qy. You helped me in ways I think neither of us expected.

Was going through some serious emotional collapse somehow. Feeling super distraught and overwhelmed by everything. Kinda shut down to my being. However, talking about some stuffs with you sparked of new thoughts in my head and had me magically recharged as well as new reflective insights to myself. =)

Was on the topic of how I had problem relating to others, and come across the point of my difference in depth with most common folks. Not that I'm deeper than the rest, just that I'm waaaaay more frequent in doing so, it's like a habit for me.

The breakdown of communication kinda results from me having no idea how to communicate simply, and being able to relate to others, as well as having a tendency to be in my own deep world. Baaa, truth be told, I have completely no idea how to do so. I'm a failure at small talk and I'm always struggling to think of what to say next. Ok, I do have some ideas, when I watch what others do, like asking how's their days and sorts but overall, I'm a serious noob at progressing anything further. Kinda sucky though, as much as people say its easy, it's really one of the hardest things for me.

Yet another crucial mistake I made, was imposing the expectations of having others think deep as well. Constantly bombarding others with ways to have them think, I totally neglected their feelings by their ways of more simple less deep ._. However, I do enjoy trying to engage in deep conversations with others as I see it as a learning point, where I can not only understand more but gain extra perspectives and experiences as well.

I kinda grew up alone in my own world, retaining quite an introverted trait intensified by my 3 years of life behind doors. Much of these moments allowed me to deepen my insights of the things around me as well as to peer into the dynamics of the human interaction and mind in an analytical deep level most people don't see.

To me, all these deep thoughts are one of the best things in my life, allowing myself to understand myself better, my flaws, my thoughts, my overall yea, and in turn has enhanced me to think in a fairly different level than most people would. On a personal level, not to boast, but it's pretty awesome when I'm able to have a much wider, deeper and understanding of myself, where I can trace most behaviours back to its roots, or as Rogers or Freud would call it, I'm my own therapist :D And I think its quite important to know oneself well instead of living in a shadow region and doing some things aimlessly, or at least so, to have better knowing of how to deal with my problems much easier.

Then again, as much as many people dislike thinking deep or reflecting inwards is that most of us are avoiding ourselves. I think, we usually have the answers within us, either it's avoided or heavily suppressed to avoid all the anxiety and troubles we have when knowing our problems. Knowledge is responsibility, and it's when one has the awareness of an issue, there will always be that ever bugging feeling of responsibility to do something. But most of us are rather stay in a simplistic manner, holding on to the notion that "ignorance is bliss". True, life can be some what easier on the surface, but no matter what, there's always turmoil breeding underneath the grounds, and it's only a matter of time they catch up with you.

For now, I shall learn not to expect others to think, but maybe to encourage without imposing obligations? Gotta learn how to relate to others in less subjective and simpler terms. Hais self efficacy or what not, this is really a momentous learning stone for me, sometimes it doesn't even feel me, but for the positive side, I'm glad I had all these thoughts in my life though, I feel entitled to seeing a world pretty unknown to most people :D

Owells, I'll do what I can anyway. Funny how one sem ago I had to balance my super selfish deviant self, now I gotta learn to regulate the deep reclusive world of mine =P

Oh and woots, gonna leave unseen messages in my posts now :D yay like that I can post secrets without saving them as drafts hehehe~

Knowledge is power. And I'm gonna use it to do some good to the world.

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Each Breathe Is A Struggle
Wednesday, September 8, 2010

It's only one more step, the final hurdle. But I'm down on the floor, my heart's pounding and my world's spinning. God save me pls

My silent cries go unheard as I see everything going down. My face on the floor. I'm barely surviving this. I struggling to even think. My body is failing, and so is my mind. Everything is collapsing, the turmoil from within. I think I'm going to face death again tonight. My mind's already go into defense lockdown to prevent everything from total failure.

Everyone's busy, they got their own lives. Who's ever gonna step out of everything just to save another. And everyone thinks this is just some stress event. that I'll get over it in a day. No family, no friends, no one at all.

I don't think anyone understands. I've stop hoping anyway. Goodbye world.

EDIT: this is just a random emo moment, am better le ._.

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A Love Distorted
Monday, September 6, 2010

People often think, time heals all wounds, but I think the truth is, love does. Time only allows more chances for the wounds to find the love they need.

Love needs not be from a partner or such. Love belongs to every relationship present in our lives. Friends, families, distinguished figures in our lives, and of course, with a special someone. Well, sometimes I cant help but feel people are searching in the wrong places, for a idealistic love that doesn't exist to begin with. Then again, the whole concept of love has been so distorted now.

From a selfless thing, love is now perceived in manners of how we can get, wealth, attention, security, recognition, to fill in our needs. We forgot, love first began as a gift, and to possess love, means to be give love to another in an unconditional manner without the self in mind. Mothers after all get no tangible results from genuinely loving their children regardless of physical or mental state of their beloved.

I'm not disregarding that we indeed do have our internal emotional and mental needs to be met. A neglected love from parents, unattended children lacking affirmation from parents, or maybe a turbulent insecured home. But the basis of love, is not to receive, but to give. Receiving is a bonus which comes in a reciprocal effect when love naturally takes place.

Crushes and boy-girl relationships for example. I am not generalizing everybody, but majority of these happens. Many of us fail to realize the underlying root of selfishness embedded in all these affections. We fall for someone just because he or she always appears there for us, providing us that sense of time, security, attention and many others. Again, I'm not claiming that everybody is like that, but for a check to the self on what are the inner motives.

This selfishness to fulfill oneself can sometimes be distorted as an act of giving. What appears like a good act but with an underlying selfish motive. Take for example, a girl who might "selflessly" give up her time to accompany a boy but behind this simple act could be stem from wanting to be with the person so as to receive their attention, to be acknowledge or well, things that have a selfish root to it.

Sometimes, these affections may develop or distort from good feelings and there can be so many false "like"s we may be unaware of. Things like emotional attachment, resulting from things like mistaking a good feeling evoked by someone fulfilling your need as liking him/her or dependency for a need met which is often easily replace when the source is gone or another comes along. There's things like an "emotional well" like base for liking someone whose reason appears completely indistinguishable, but merely serves a a point for someone to pour his affections to. There's attraction, perhaps to a certain trait or physical feature, but loses its appeal as the attractor is gone. Infatuation resulting from and narcissistic and exaggerated form of affection in a fantasy-like world of their own.

It's not wrong to like someone. It is the natural capacity of a human to have that need to love someone, and even so a common phase for a teenager. But it's more of understanding the basis of the affections one feels for another. Is it of real love, or just something worked from passion or out of the good feelings created from satisfaction gained?

A more wholesome approach to I would think of these is to firstly recognize the roots of these affections and if it comes for a selfish root, then either cut it off or to convert it into something more positive. One problem is that people start to dwell into a emo season due to their expectations and wishes not met, their idealistic pictures rendered impossible. And that's when such the affections take control of the person's life, and things revolve that being in idolatrous obsession. And since it's a huge struggle for people to completely rid themselves of these affections, why not turn it into something positive, making the person happy without trying so hard to engineer something nice to do but more so from a natural source. Hence, there should be no need for negative thoughts or emo-ness as the focus is not on how or what you can get, what happens to you but more of what you can do for that person out of goodwill. As things goes, these affections would then evolve into a genuine care and concern, into a more realistic love which is present in all relationships.

Love, isnt love till you give it away.

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What Would You Do?
Sunday, September 5, 2010

Eye-opener today. A wordy post, and a contemplative night...

After watching all the series on "What Would You Do?" by ABC news in the U.S. how people would react to a mock up scene by actors but with much realism in it. From racism, discrimination, to child predators, fallen people, crime and so many many more scenes.

It's amazing to watch how people react, more so those that choose to take a step out to do something, to fight for justice, or to save another soul. It's usually the complimentary excuse of wanting to protect oneself, not getting involved in another business. Or maybe the more justified sense of ambiguity. But when things are just so clear cut, why do people glance once, only to turn away, leaving this duty to 'someone else'.

Lives have been upturned, worsen, or scarier, been lost, due to people deciding to turn a blind eye upon them. In a society of 'personal' space, have we lost that community spirit for each other. No one's looking out for another? Or maybe a stranger in need just isn't worth the trouble of you stepping out of the comfort zone.

So many good works, or specifically, thoughts, have been hindered by fear, doubts, and focus on the self. In the end, it goes to show we only care more about ourselves then another, even when we see another in need. Save the excuses. Thoughts count for nothing until they are proven, with action.

Back to my eye-opener scene. Was walking by Cheers with a group of friends when we saw three people in a struggle. My first thought was hm, ppl struggling over something I wasn't sure about, but just wanting to make sure if anything was needed.

Turns out, a teenage was caught for shoplifting with on of the staff holding on to him just right out at the entrance/large walkway. The teen's friend was trying to pull away the shopkeeper in an attempt to save his friend.

A friend walking along us, immediately stepped towards the scene without second thoughts to help nab him, although he was stopped by one of our seniors who told us not to get involved (cos they had a second staff coming to help as well as not to get injured or something).

Aside from being intrigued by the first time witness of a "crime scene" what had me going was the thought of how my friend decided to step out, out of group conformity and social norms, to assist in a situation that looked as though it needed help, without much hesitation as most people would have. Like in the videos, I asked him, "So why would you do that?"

He felt like they simply needed help and just had to do the right thing. Simple normal thoughts in our minds, but, carried out in true proven actions by only a minority. Inspirational.

I think we all should be more selfless perhaps? I'm not really sure what is my conclusion over this incident, but... woah. To really go forth and do something without hesitation and personal concern, that's something I hope I will learn.

It's all about selflessness again isn't it?

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Despite The Rain
Friday, September 3, 2010

Made my day =) encouraging and inspiring as well :D jiaaayous
you have always been strong, going out for others
people like me, I tend to keep to myself
...
but you just keep going out to get people
even if you really think you're not good at it
interacting with people
haha thanks =) really made my day despite it being 3am in the morning when you said that. Don't really see myself as that strong but it makes me feel a little better and that everything I'm doing isnt for nothing.

I dunno. Recently, I've been a little more inspired to well, do the things I always wanted and wished for. Something that might touch or perhaps make a difference in another's life. I think it's interesting as well, how one small tiny little act that goes unnoticed by be revolutionary to other at one point of time. Well, the rewards are often never seen, and all the more they should be done without any expectancy of returns. Hahax, here's to random good works~ *cheers*

Since I'm pretty darn sick of studying even though I've only done less then half of what's needed Iwent surfing through my blog for posts that never saw completion.

Here's a post that caught my eye (and heart).
So I guess you're one of those people who were supposed to walk into my life, teach me a lesson, then walk away.
Interestingly so, yea. I sometimes see relationships as things that helps us grow, learn and with an added element of good times. But nonetheless, in every thing that happens, it was meant for a purpose, coincidental or planned, enjoyable or undesired. But I believe more in seasons, times where people are there, times where we walk different paths.

Then people ask me, so when do I know it's the right time? Haha, truthfully I have no idea, but life has it's amazing ways of working out manners that doesnt even make sense in it's present moment, I'll say, just let it be natural.

But boo, personally, I think people might resent me for my ways, but eh, I dunno, maybe people see me as a leaver or something like that. Sometimes I feel like a cloud, floating about. But I'll just give whenever I can and I hope people don't expect too much out of me. Maybe one day, I might find a place to settle down in. I'm still learning I guess ._.

Which brings me to my next contradictory post.
I want a guy best friend who gets mistaken as my boyfriend. A guy best friend is everything you need. Another boy who makes your life complete. A boy who I can run to when my girl BFFs aren't around. He'll kick my future boyfriend's arse when he makes me cry. He'll make me laugh when there's tears in my eyes. He is immediately my date on special occasions when you're single. Idk why. But I really need a guy best friend. A real guy best friend.
I think this is pretty cool. I wish I could be such a guy. Be able to be nice and such, without having any extra affections involved. Just pure genuine care. I wish I could have someone know that there will always be somebody there for him/her. Cool much. But heh, I think I'm bad with relationships to begin with, to even ever reach to such a point of being able to be someone's backup pillar, haha owells one day hopefully =)

I wanna do more. I wish I had more skills to be able to reach out more. I wanna make life so revolutionary, that because I existed, I made a few smiles on some pretty faces :)

All it takes is a little boldness and a bigger heart

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A Chance For Happiness
Thursday, September 2, 2010

"...because everyone deserves a chance to be happy, without all these hurts and lies in their minds. Please don't think that way, you're so much more and greater than who you think you are."

You shouldn't be feeling all these. Everyone deserves that moment of true happiness, serenity and joy. I'll try my best to pull you out of that abyss of sadness, hurts, loneliness, lovelessness, for that gasp of air you so dearly need.

You don't deserve to be drowning in such a state. But please, kick along with me, and we'll be able to make this ascend quicker. To the surface, I'm sure we can do it. That rejuvenating fresh air, that freedom, that breathe of relief. Kick harder, fight on.

=/

No one should feel this way.

Like a superhero but only like you.

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When Your Heart Skips A Beat
Wednesday, September 1, 2010

It's all playing out like a drama sequel...

Anyway, after all the commotions all about, I kinda think back upon my older days. When I was in it too. It's funny how I'm no longer in it, after being stuck for like since when, I dunno, mmm primary school? And after a long long attachment of 6-7 years, moving on to another, that yet ultimately got me all emofied despite the good times. It's interesting to see how everything plays out, how everything seems so perfect, lovely and angelic, yet is able to bring one down into daily mess of negative subjective perceptions of wishes and dreams and all those saddening feelings.

It's cool actually. I never really thought it was possible for one to stay out of such affairs. Not until I somewhat hit upon that revelation and realization of my somewhat stupid act, and finally got myself together. Funny though, I really can't remember exactly why but i know it was for a good reason. Really :) Now, it's weird for me to look on as others go through that similar phase. It's so much clearer when you're out of that world.

I guess I was once like that too =/

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