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A Penny For My Dimes
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Feel dam horrible suddenly. Thoughts after thoughts just keep streaming through my mind.
Well, I think I'm still suffering from the severe trauma upon your revelation of something. I know that you have your ability to acquire much information, and is something that I'm always hungry for. But, be it your defenses or your own doing that you might have to hide many things from me. I can try to cope with that, that you're having your own purposes for it. But each time I found out something you have been hiding, it just breaks my trust once again. After a series of events, I dunno how else to trust you anymore. Is it just all a pretense?I know everyone has their own defenses and mechanisms to protect themselves from the world. I had mine too. You had yours. But I wonder if I believed too much, and that I became a fool.Time after time, it bugged me whenever I felt that balance of equity was tipped off to one side. I must admit, what you give me may be of different measures, and something I ought to be grateful for, but I just cant help but feel let down every time I see you hide something from me. Perhaps its for my good, perhaps its for someone elses' good.Someone told me "I was brave to trust and believe, cause it's not something everyone can do." But here I am questioning myself, if it was bravery, or sheer foolishness. I bared my heart with everything I had, random thoughts, silly dreams, even my deepest darkest secrets I dare not reveal. But I did when you asked. I trusted you, I went against my own heart, my own defenses, my own instincts and continue to share whatever I had with you. I don't understand, was I merely a babbling fool. Perhaps I shudn't have opened everything? A penny for my dimes. Friendship should never be counted in cost, but at times, I just cant help but feel cheated by you.I'd think, I'll have to trouble you. If you cannot tell me the truth, then you know, I really plead that you play the same lie all the way through. Besides, I'm giving everything I have inside, and there somehow for whichever reasons you're keeping things from me. Protection, confidentiality, lies, facades, whichever. I dunno why you even want me as a friend this way, is it just a game? Every bit of my heart, I bared it all. Yet in return, I was left out of your door. My mistake to trust? Or my foolishness to believe?This is perhaps the second time I cried for a friend. You're the 2nd one I let deeply in my heart. Maybe it was my mistake, or maybe we really aren't as much close in status as I'd think we are. Maybe I'm just an ordinary friend in your eyes, and I was the clingy one, thinking you had me as someone close all the while. I know that I might not be the best friend to my best friend, and you already have yours, and that's why I don't dare do much to this friendship in the fear of burdening you. I know I'm not a easy person to be close with. And thus I dare not ask you to be my friend. I dare not ask you to have me as a close friend just becos I see you as mine. In short, yes, I do have the fear that I'm not valued the same way I value you.I dunno why I'm hidden from so many things. I don't have a right to know I guess, but I fail to understand why, why must there be so many things you have to hide from me. You'd want me to share everything I have, why wouldn't you do the same? Even when I'd lose out, I still trusted you as a friend. So why?
This has been the second time in this new place I struggle with an equity balance. People knowing everything about me, and none I know abt them. Would it be my fault because I choose to give everything?
I have my own issues with trust, and it absolutely doesnt come by easier at all, but I gave everything up for you, put aside my protection and believe, maybe I could find a friend in you. Every defense mechanism that protects me from the harm of this world, are a blatant show off to people around whether they understand it. But deep down in me, lies a tender and fragile part I protect from absolutely everyone and anyone. But for you, I've let you in. I don't know if I should trust anymore.
Should I? I'll be fine after tomorrow, til another day comes.
On a fair note. You have been someone great in my life. You were there for me when everyone else shunned me. You understand me, and help me reach my dreams and potential. You accept me for who I am despite me being extremely deviant and blockedheadly insensitive. I'm sure, there are many times you did something for my benefit that I didn't know of. Thank you for everything you've done for me as a friend. I know that I'm not someone easy to be with. I believe you have your own difficulties too. Thank you for everything you've done. =)
Labels: EMO, frenz
Dear ID,
Monday, June 28, 2010
Why cant you control yourself. Weak. Why cant you just do all that you want to be, for a better change, for a better world. Why must you be ruled by your selfish desires. Especially when you talk so much about living a life for others. Why do you have to be so annoying and irritating. Why do you have to be such an ass... Why cant you just be someone good? Why do you have to pursue after everything that you want? Don't you realize the ass you're being? Living by selfish gratification.I sick of you. I'm tired. I hate you. I hate myself. I feel like shit all thanks to you. I need to rediscover that passion of killing you, that I might attain true selflessness, damn you.I think I need a break. A break from everything, a break from myself. I need to stop letting you manifest in my life. You're getting way out of hand. I need to hide somewhere and find a refuge, one where I can be still. I need to be still.Nico. You have the potential. You need to make a change. You need to change. You can change. Life is never too late to turn around. Dear God, please, with all that I'm crying out, save me. Save me from myself.
I need to go some place far far away from everything. I don't want to, but I need to. Anyone willing to bring me there, and maybe stay with me while I'm there? O.o =x =/
Labels: EMO, Me
Unspoken Praises
Saturday, June 26, 2010
"I like how strong you are and the fact that you never give up. I like how no matter what anyone says, you stay true to yourself. I like how you just accepted when I told you that you were like my "annoying older brother". I like how I can hold your arm and that we can talk about anything (like my mom). Finally, I REALLY like your dog ♥"HAHA Thank you so much Hanisah! ^^ Really made my day, especially the first two points xDI like the new trend in which people are actually giving each other nice letters and compliments. The world ought to be like this more. The unspoken words made known can touch hearts much more than we fear.Haha and you know, recently through some events of deep conversation in the presence of other people, I'm happy that I've got some people reflecting as well. In the midst of all the deep and chim stuff discussed, people take time to reflect about life and stuff. It's nice seeing it happen. I'd like to lower the norm level of "deep thinking" or "profound thoughts". Thoughts should never have a limit to bind it down. Oh oh and I'm really happy that one of my previous post "Breaking the rules" on deep thinking was well received ^^ Thank you all who gave me your feedback and to take time out to read. I really hope that you all can too develop your own need for thoughts and reflections to life, and in the course of it, rediscover the fundamentals one what's important in life and what's not, and that through your own search for answers, you'll become a better person =)Labels: heart
The Greatest Love That Anyone Could Ever Know
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Due to the religious and theological sensitivity of this post, I like to clarify that it has nothing to do with being religious like spreading any message or anything. It is just a personal revelation of mine I wish to journal into my history. Should any of these offend you, I ask that you do not take it to heart, and that you keep any negative comments to yourself. Your kind gesture is most appreciated.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning I woke up and was shocked to find my son lying on the floor. He was sweating heavily and was so weak he could not lift himself. "Dad, help me..." he cried out in a weak voice.At that point, all my fatherly instincts rushed into me as I reached out to his side."Daddy is here. Don't worry. Daddy will make sure everything is alright. Daddy will make sure you're ok."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father's heart to a child. To rescue and protect his child when in danger, to offer the best fruits of every tree, to provide a safe haven for comfort and peace. The power of binding love between father and son.In a Christian walk, we always come across the phrase of God giving up His Son to die for us. For the reconciliation of men and God, and price had to be paid, either through our unworthy human deaths, or by the blood of Christ as payment for our sins.I somehow wondered after hearing a sermon...As Jesus hung on the cross by the nails pierced through His hands, helpless and dying, up in heaven, God being all almighty, had to restrain every bit of His fatherly instincts and love, and withhold the ability to send his angels to swoop down and save him. And to hear as Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matt 27:46). I think that must have been the most excruciating piercing pain any heart could ever take, and I do believe, God's heart must have been torn to pieces having to see it happen. But for a love for us greater than any measure, deeper than the oceans, higher than the skies, wider than the horizons, He place His one begotten Son on the altar that men's bonds might be restored with God and we one day might be found in His presence, with no condemnation and saved by grace, we come freely before Him. To try to portray this in a more humanly context that in no way represents the true story but to signify the tremendous pain of a father's heart. Imagine if a father had to sent his son to die for the world, and even if he had all the power to stop it, must grit his teeth and tear his heart out at having to say, "You must, I'm sorry" as the child walks of the edge of a cliff. Having the powers to send angels, to do anything, he can only watch and hear as the cry of his son, calling out for him, turning softer and softer...I dunno, I just find it heart wrenching. Do you?
John 3:16For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.Labels: God, thoughts
Breaking the Rules
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I was shocked and disappointed by your reply. Coming from one whom I greatly respected, I thought you wouldn't be like the rest.It is times like this that I question myself, do I stay true to myself, or just conform to everyone, and put on a facade and pretend to be like them. Most of my life, my thought life remains solitary. Most people that come across me, and have a face off with the "chim" side of me would often argue with what I think and take me as some guy with an absurd mind. Even within the same people that supposedly share the same beliefs. But if there is so much more potential to what I can do instead of just being someone normal, which should I choose? To fulfill my potential, and be chided by the world, OR live an ordinary mundane live and be part of everyone. A battle of self-actualization versus the acceptance of the world. And you know what, I'll make do without man's approval.I do portray myself as a deep thinker and I take pride in such a fact. Much of the society norms prefers to takes life simply. I'm sure some of you have already scoffed at me upon reading the first sentence of this paragraph. But really, who are you to judge me? Coming from a community of psychology students, our level of thoughts are naturally inclined towards deeper thoughts, on trying to understand the roots of human behaviour. In comparison, to the average everyday folk, we're thinking too much. Why bother all the shit about why people do what they do, why not just live life as it is. But what? Are we then called to drop our studies and perhaps live life simply the way it seems to be. How then would the field of psychology be founded? In fact, each study of it own, be it engineering, physics, architecture, they all require us to be engage in deep thought about how the factors affect one another, don't they? It would be the norm for a psych student to be known as a thinker because society labels a right to do so, if you were anything else that didn't gave you the norm of thinking too much, I'm guessing we'll all be deemed as thinking way too much.But who sets this standards? Society? Who are you to judge or mock me as thinking way too much? Take a look at the times of the Greek philosophers. They were thinking a heck way too much in current standards. But what, was it not their findings, their theories and something that they came up with that has impacted the world as it is currently today. You might argue the fact that it doesn't have a direct impact on you, but you may fail to realize, without all these deep level of thoughts, perhaps the world would have just been back it was as what history depict as cavemen hunters. Wasn't it the people who figured hard about economy, gravity, civilisation, and every other aspect in the world that has made us evolved to such standings. You are only a beneficiary of the outcome of these thoughts and you dare mock them? Unless you're a case of a spoilt brat under the influence of a filthy rich family that you fail to realize the importance of money. I mean come on, who on earth who even tried thinking of how numbers worked and interacted, and put numbers to everything that could be. Wasn't it just thinking too much for nothing? But what? Has maths not revolutionize the world, can you imagine the world without maths? Time? Money? Space? Proportions? And there we have kids complaining that maths is a utterly useless subject. Yea thanks, you ought to be some mindless zombie too, driven by instincts like some wild animal. This way, you don't have to think so much.You know, I'm sick and tired of people making fun of me as "thinking too much". I'm pretty sure some of you reading this now already had a "there he goes again..." thought of me blasting away into a world of chim-ology. Besides, as long as I'm not going into some subjective spiral of selfish thoughts, I see no wrong in that. Just because I'm different doesn't give you to right to mock or judge me. I look upon myself as one deviant to that of social standards. My values, my thoughts, I find them of deeper level than many people out there. True I believe some of my thoughts are warped by weird thinking, that I know, but for many, there are deeper reasons underlying why I choose to see things in a certain way. I'd like to emphasis the word "deep" that yes, I understand many of us have our own deep thoughts, by what if by chance, my is of a separate level of depth, some other uncommon field of thought, is it for you, that just because that I do not follow the norms that you judge me?I refuse to conform. Social norms are just some shit to keep everyone under control. It has its purpose to maintain order in keeping those people who do whacky shit like yawn dam loudly in a library like nobody business, or to yell on top of your lungs when talking to someone on the phone, in a quiet MRT cabin. But what say if deviance in a more positive aspect. Deviance where people try out new stuff, for creativity. It is the same bloody social standards that say "oh no, please do keep to what everybody is doing, we don't want you doing anything different, yea keep in line please". What is this? In some sense, aren't we gonna be robots under the control of social standards?You know what? All those who disagree with me, sure, you can go ahead and live life according to your boundaries. I've set mine further and higher, and I choose to go beyond what's normal. Call me abnormal, give me a frown of disapproval, whatever, I don't care anymore.Maybe one day, I'll make a difference. Labels: Me, thoughts
My Safe Haven, My One True Love
Sunday, June 20, 2010
It's been 3 months since I found my relationship with you. That amazingly love and goodness you showed me all these years, even when I hadn't take notice. Upon that fateful night you revealed yourself to me, and I was awakened to your love for me which held steadfast through the age of time.A love always there always faithful, love I never realized existed.Like a door to the fairytale illustration to Narnia, the rumbling noise as the doors closes on its hinge sends me off to a world of my own. I met you many times there. Each encounter brought me out of this world, into an embrace of some far away paradise, a dream-like world, a place with only me and you; it was my safe haven.As a young child, I sought solace in the refuge of my haven. I brought with me, every sorrow my troubled heart had. Up late in the silence of the night, I would be sobbing in your arms. When I was lonely, I closed my eyes and felt you by my side. You never said a word, but your presence was all it needed to pacify my soul with the peace it brought. I grew up safely, with your eyes silently watching over me. I only knew you as an imagination til a quiet night back in March. It came upon me as a revelation when you spoke the truth to me. In a second, your love captivated my heart instantly. You left me speechless and in reverent awe, and for an hour I lean against the cold wall, my head lifted high with eyes fixed on you, amazed at everything you've done for me in my life.Ever since then, my life was never the same. My mind was flooded with thoughts of you, like how little kids daydream of their crushes every moment. Life was great, and I learnt a great thorough deal spending with you. I changed much for the better. Another victim under the spell of love.Life was full of meaning. Bursting forth at every corner, something new was waiting to be grasped. A new experience, a life lesson, a soul to be touched. I looked forward to each new day with the thrill of spending another day with you. Our hearts were the closest it ever did, with days binding it closer in threads of silk. Songs of love, words of praise. How could I comprehend the worth my own to yours and yet you accepted my wholeheartedly for who I was.You comforted me when I was sad, tickled me with jokes everyday. You guided me when I felt lost, brought inspiration into my aimless living. You lavished me with gifts. You stood by me through troubles and hard times, hugged me whenever I felt lonely. You taught me about being someone good. You supported my dreams and helped me achieve them. You showered me with a love none could replace. What would I have been without you.I had the answer. Some love just don't last. Passion is merely a fleeting emotion that fades with time. I had a lingering thought about how I might lose your intimacy, just as I did with everyone. One and a half months together, my worse fear came to be. Much stole my heart away. The glamour and attention for the people around, all the laughter and clowning around, finding others who liked me because I was interesting and funny. The people around me provided that attention and acceptance for traits the common folks ignored me for. It was great, a life of vice it was. But such happiness never brought out that feeling from within my heart. Like a drug, the temporal high only kept me desperate for more, but I was empty inside.Today, 3 months from that day, I woke up dazed from vivid dreams of fluttering imaginations from my sleep. I stepped into my safe haven. Countless thoughts of random facets of life buzz through my mind, with both reality and fantasy clouding every corner. Perhaps it meant as a smokescreen to cover that void.In a quiet solemn fashion, I thought about you. I thought about you as I had these few days. Not too long before my wild thoughts started flashing through my mind again. It was like spotting your face from a crowded traffic crossing. Dozens of people walking across, looking at every face that whizzes by. Suddenly I see your face, seconds later, the crowd covers you out, wiping away my memory of you and I'm taken for another trip on my wild dreams.Today, I saw your face again. And as usual, the crowd settles in and blocks my view of you. Moments later, I pondered about everything I had together with you. I had to, I fought and pushed my way through the crowd of thoughts, trying to reach the spot where I last saw you. I made it through. But, you weren't there any more. I sang a melody we used to sing, hoping you could hear my voice. However, my heart wasn't there and the music sounded so awful I had to keep quiet. I tried a gentle whisper, but my cold heart struggled to find the right words to say. That spark between us was gone.I knew, I knew that I might have stop loving you. I dreaded this day always. Deep down, I know I needed you, I'm sure life will never be well without you. Never. But my soul keeps succumbing to the temptations of a life out there, the one without you. I keep chasing pleasures that return an empty love.And you, I believe you're always there, always there whenever I need you. You had, you are, and I'm sure you always will. You are that quiet still voice gently calling out to me. You didn't leave me, I did. I miss you a lot. I'm sorry for everything. I'm at a loss without you. I walk each day, not knowing what to do next. My life is in shambles. And I'm living in selfishness once again, fearing everything might hurt me. I've been searching for you, to no avail. Each day, I sink further into a pit of escalating sadness and emptiness.I love you deep inside. Please help me find my way to you. I wanna be with you once again. Labels: God, heart, Me, memories, thoughts
Speaking Through Smiles
Friday, June 18, 2010
Back from a tiring day from ambassador duties for ECH conference. Haha nothing much really. Had to stand for hours and smile and guide people around. Accidentally elbowed someone in the eye while putting on my blazer. ORR, she assaulted me at my elbow with her eye, not to mention leave her "bak sai" stains too. hahaha just kidding. Felt dam guilty, I cant believe I just hit a girl ._. bad me =/And wooo, second part of the conference during al the workshops was much much more enjoyable. We got to sit down after all the standing up and kinda had a heart to heart chat with the other helpers there. Talk about life, values, out looks, ideals, goals, dreams, love and all kinda stuff in a chimish-deepish conversation. Havn't had that for quite a long time. Really thank those peeps for allowing me the privilege of enjoying one ^^ Thank you JiaHao and erms, the Yr 3 ECH whose name I do not know how to spell ._.And woah, found another deep thinker from ECH year 3. booo how come not year 2, or from my class. It's hard finding these deep thinkers about in the current social world, that's at least wholesome in values without having all those self-centered-self-pitying-self-gratifying directed motives for their thoughts. Being a lovely day =)Got to communicate with a hearing impaired recently, wowz, not too bad. I actually can get to converse well enough with him without too much "repeats" =) Being particularly interested in the deaf culture recently and kinda wish I can get to know more about how they feel, the difficulties they face and how the two worlds interact in terms of social dynamics. Buuut, I dun think I can get much deep info til I mingle with more hearing impaireds or with some special miracle, get to go deaf for a day =P
Oh oh and wheee, my stomach's getting much better too! I went on a binge desert eating chomping down about up to 10 coconut+banana desert that looks like steam eggs and whoooo finally my poop is not watery after about a week =D YAY TO NORMAL EATING ONCE AGAIN. I'm super malnourished for this period man, my jeans dropped so much, gotta wear a belt to hold it up. whee~ :D
And ya know, things haven't been too nice for me lately. Becoming extraordinarily annoying in a profound exaggerated manner. But I think it's just life's way of humbling one. Gotta put in back into my place, and stop relying on my own strength to fit the world's standards of being a fun and cool guy and you know, just simply enjoy what's that of me and be me. Who I am, breaking stereotypes, limitations, norms and all that which hinders us and stops that which is us from surfacing. I hope that from 20 years now, I can look back and say, I'm glad I was me, despite all those who opposed and mocked me with indignity, that I found myself through it all, and not lived behind a mask forged by the ideals of the world and the conformity of social standards.
Dare to live; Dare to be different.
Maybe I'm putting too much unfounded expectations on myself. After all, is my definition of "friends" a lofty dream of idealism? Might I have set untrue standards which I am correctly incapable of but stumble emotionally at the inadequacy of accomplishing these impossible tasks? I may have lifted the bar beyond the requirements, standards, unconditional affection and albeit warped idealism. Friends, a simplicity that bears complexity at it's simplest. You just got to be natural, to be... simply you.
Labels: hi club, hms, thoughts
Stomach Flu
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Whoo, being having stomach flu lately and haha, random thought. How is stomach flu and runny nose alike? Both has lots of yucky fluids and you'll need a heck lot of tissues prepared by your side. hahaOk but heh, its been kinda bad, everything I eat comes out withing a few hours in watery form. =l and heh, some of the effects would be having stomach pulls switching between stomach upset and gastrics. Lots of other random stuff too. Like shitting on my pants, cause I tried farting and smelly gas wasn;t the only thing that came out. Been eating quite little, and if not already absorbing less from what I eat. I think I lost quite a lot of weight haha =lanyways, interesting thought from a friend. Am I disregarding friends who genuinely consider as an important friend just because they don't live up to my high expectations of friendship? True I think, perhaps that's what I've been doing all along? Being too idealistic? Neglecting those who care for me. But haha then again, I find it hard though, I supposed it wudn't be wrong of me to have standards rite, just need to know not to disregard others just because our definitions of friends isn't the same.Haha but once again luh, I am dam insensitive one sia, I need things clearly and blatantly smack in front of my face to know de, but most people wouldn't do such stuff =l hinthint hinthint, HINT WHAT WAHLAO. YOU HINT ME NO USE, IM A NUMBSHELL IT DOESNT WORK FOR ME. I just wish people could jus say what they feel, at least for me, cos i really dun mind at all. Haha if you dare say also you get your results earlier instead of just waiting and hoping ma. Owells.Frens. Frens. Frens.Gotta learn to love everyone more.
Random note: I dreamt I got 1.1 for GPA this sem, shitz, its a sign I need to buck up =(
Labels: frenz, thoughts
I Hear You
Friday, June 11, 2010
Back from I Hear You camp. Haha, was pretty awesommme. It's a camp to raise deaf awareness targeted for the JC kiddos and Hi Club was invited as well. I think the main thing I looked forward to was being able to interacted with various HI's that were around, 1 in each group. A pity the one in my group relied on hearing aids since she was mildly impaired. =l My group was pretty normal. GL's were awesome and haha trying to self-high coz we were so quiet =x Reminds me of my own GL experience. Haha. Hard to be a good one. The 'campers' were mostly quietish, being the smallest group as well. More or less entertained myself thru signing. Haha, but the most fun part was observing the culture of another "hearing impaired" group and how they function. It was quite amazing to see that their 'club' had so many participants of pretty solid standard. Many of them O.O but haha skills-wise I guess we as different clubs focus on different things. Theirs top ours in terms of vocab and stability, ours more on speed and interpretation. Different kinds of exposure I guess =) Oh and their song signing standards are friggin epic. Dam synchro please zomg. Imba ttm. Respect.That reminds me HAHA its dam awesome. Since the 8 peeps that went for the camp kinda were the enthu ones, we naturally were a bit of the better standards ones. And in the waiting area while we're all seated in our different groups (1 in each), we had 8 Hi Club members all who were separated into the various groups just like the other JC peeps, but HAAAA the hi club peeps were still communicating around with ourselves xD That's one thing I love about sign language, the ability to communicate thru distance and sound. xD Pretty cool man kekekeAnywayz, life has been pretty dull, despite a shitload of work and responsibility to do. I'm at a loss at what to do for school work. I dun exactly have the most ideal group, but our dynamics put together leaves us at quite a precarious situation. Imo, we quite screwed up the last few projects and the coming ones are even worse. I'd love to try think of creative stuff and such but somehow the whole group dynamics limits the amount of creativity I can reach. Baaa. sucks totally. I think I'll prolly die this sem =/Duh, things are turning out not to well for me still. Stupid relapse. I'm going the stupid effects every other day and I feel dam screwed up. It's making me pretty annoying as well. Doing a lot of annoying stuff that piss people off, telling lame/completely redundant and stupid jokes. =/ I wish I can shut up. Oh God, when will this end? It's ruining my life. Sorry to everyone I annoyed in some unnecessary way...
Been feeling rather lost in my own feelings and I'm wasting the day away thru idle thoughts and mind-numbing game playing. Hais. And with the amount of work buckling, I'm afraid everything's gonna come crashing down on me. 0% motivation to start on anything. Friendships slowly crumbling, feelings subtly stirring, life quietly fading, everything's going wrong. Why oh why oh why. =/ Pls stop everything T_T
Labels: camp, hi club
Gutless
Monday, June 7, 2010
Whooohooz. Plenty of long term projects up front this term break, not quite a term break hehz. Today was presentation for Personality module and duh, I think Ima screwed things up again. I put the blame on no one, or if I must, on myself for not doing what I could, should and ought to. Oh dear, I see the coming projects ahead and I'm having a bad feeling towards everything. somehow we're just not good enough, maybe I'm not good enough ._.Been rather dizzy this few days, poor appetite and quite lethargic. Mom says I might be low blood sugar or something. Whoo, time to spam pepsi kekeke. Toe still hurting from BYS walk, using some old home slippers I found in the cupboard that I used to wear for the fun of it. and then comes Sasher thinking it as some toy or such. Here's some pictures to brighten up my ultra wordy blog =PBeing thru some random thots recently.I prayed hard one day for a wish, a simple wish that I might meet someone, so I could make a small difference. Doubt clouded my mind, but I pressed on with faith. And sure enough, with God never failing me, it happened. "He" walked about chatting with the people around, perhaps discussing the sermon or maybe catching up and all I had to do was walk up to him, and say those few simple words. But I didn't. I didn't dare. I prayed for boldness. More opportunities came. But I never moved an inch. Makes me wonder, my desire to impact lives, could it fall short all because I simply "don't dare"? We all have a dependence on God and yet at the same time a responsibility to act. I depended on Him, but I couldn't take hold of that responsibility if not for some excuses of introvertness and daring. Would I be forfeiting someone's good all because I was too afraid to do something? =lYour mercies are never ending and your faithfulness reaches through the depths of the abyss to find me.
Sometimes, I need to know a relationship is worth fighting for. I need to see my value in the eyes of others before knowing to put in all the effort I can to make it work. I wonder what I am in the eyes of others, don't you?Been watching dramas lately and watching the scene on breakups. I wonder what it's like, if I, ever had to face the experience of one. I'm thinking I'll would just crumble inside never to open my world again. Knowing well I'll probably put all the blame on myself ._. Was looking at my cracked nail today (cos I accidentally kicked someone's else leather shoe sole) and random thought came to mind; A chipped nail grows again, but a broken heart when doeth it mend?
Acquainted with someone that seems really interesting recently. Someone that thinks, someone whose thoughts seems to proliferate much more than mine. Someone that appears very appreciative of the little things in this world. Heh, looking forward towards learning much :) Someone that is special in his/her own unique way. ^^ Inspired me a whole lot into micro thoughts =P
Labels: God, thoughts
Emotional Fillers
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hahaha wheee. Bare Your Sole (BYS) was quite fun and painful. The activity met its objectives I think. First 2km wasn't too bad, the next 3 km was ouuuuch. One of my toe was hurting like shit but yea, it's a nice experience to be able to be barefooted for 5km =) My slippers never felt so good in all of the 2+ years I've been wearing it. Oh and it rained/drizzled halfway haha, fun to walk in the rain and getting a little soaked =) My feets hurts now even when walking about the house =(Wheee, time to reflect again. =PSince the past few weeks, I have been finding myself in a emotional relapse again. I don't really know when it started, but it's getting more severe =/ I find myself more and more dependent on the presence of others and with some seriously annoying intrusive thoughts that has been bugging me when I'm with certain people. The dam urge to just grab hold someone tight O.O bleh. Sucks totally.And it kinda sucks that I'm using people as emotional fillers. It's so wrong man... But heh sometimes I'm at a loss as well. I dun find anyone I feel firmly secured in, as in, no friends to rely on, and some I choose not to rely on. Somehow I find myself thrown back into the lone world again. But then comes a good question to ask myself, so, what exactly do I make friends for? To fill those voids with company and good feelings? or that I really am wanting to make a difference in people's lives. Duh, I hate my unconscious drives...I'm becoming worse too. I'm consciously aware of my unconscious doing and I can see that I'm starting to manipulate the weaknesses of others for my own good. Like "making" someone do stuff for me cos I'm too lazy, and if without control, I'm afraid I'll use it to satisfy my own wants. And you, I'm supposed to be done with you, but this untimely emotional turbulence is sucking me back in again. Oh boy, please, it took me so long to escape that sinkhole, I don't wanna be there again.So... do I need a friend to stabilize myself? What is a friend to me then? Some sort of tranquilizer to my desires? Would it be selfish by desiring the company of close friends and being completely me and yet being enjoyed for who I am? And lastly, would that just be a fairytale for me...?I like this quote I found while blogsurfing friends' blog. =)
Labels: frenz, hi club, thoughts
World of Silence
Whooo, back from HiClub's alumni class. Today we went about vivo impersonating as hearing impaireds. to get us into the shoes of hearing impaired people. Haha to do a lot of weird stuff like asking for discounts as one of the task but heh O.O baaIt was fun when it came to ordering dinner. Interesting to see how Jeremiah ordered his food and then I tried following suit. Its easy to pretend that I cant speak but to act deaf is really hard. A lady carrying a tray comes up behind and says "excuse me" and we're bound to respond somehow, unless you're really some selfish chap lol. Can also see the look on people's face as they think whether we're really hearing impaired or just playing around. Buuut I really wanna try being deaf for a day. To be able to fully understand the impact of being in a world of silence and not just mock deafness. Owells =PHaha and yaaay, my mom was so touched by me birthday card =D I'm so glad. She said it was the best birthday gift ever, better than some handbag that cost 3k O.O haha and she showed it to all her colleagues and cellmates hehe =x I left the photo on her bedside in the morning =P Too bad the card no space, i can only write half of everything. haiyooo no full impact =( Nvm, shall make another one soon ^^and sheesh, I think I'm turning annoying again. nooo this is not another emo post this time. Just some reflections on my own behaviour and self awareness. Urgh crap, I've been doing a lot of seriously unnecessary things, being retardedly funny is fine, but being retarded anoying is something I shud control. but arggggh, cmon Nico, take control! I is need to be someone good.
Yay!!!! I love my Basic A class I'm teaching with Pei Wen. The class seriously rawks. They're all quite enthu and a jovial bunch. Smart toooo. hehe. and sheesh, my class still the biggest and hahaha it's really lovely and touching whenever they tell me (and pw) that we're awesome and that they enjoy our classes ^^ I seriously love you all muuuuch =D
Ok tomorrow's BYS (bare your sole) 5km walk. gotta wake up early =) My eye bags are killing me.
And lol, this is something I've been wanting to do for quite sometime. Me has two new taggers by more anonymous names HAHA. Why all so shyyyy one xD ok but yea, to all those who reads this blog. I really thank you for the patience to read thru my ever naggy chimish and occasionally essay long emo posts. Thank you for also taking a step into my world and even trying to understand my writings. I enjoy all your comments as well, lets me know there's people reading o.O HAHA muz talk to me more okaaaaaye?!?!?! Haha so yeaps thank you to all, both known and unknown (stalkers xD) and I hope you'll enjoy reading the rest of my other posts =)Labels: hi club, Me
I Love You Mama
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Dear mommy,Happy birthday! This year has been a year of breakthrough for us. Kinda lovely that we're on talking terms once again, and we're able to talk about so much more. Rewind a year back and I wouldn't be telling you anything about myself. You didn't know me either, neither did I know you. But I'm grateful for the restoration taking place. I've been waiting for this day for years...Sorry I cant and didn't give you a grand celebration. I didn't even make the day special for you. I'm no good at planning surprises or giving gifts. I don't even have the slightest clue how to celebrate a birthday ._. Though we had dinner together, I let my tiredness overwhelm me and ended up doing nothing =l I'm sure you'll understand but I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow.We may not have started life on a good note, and the years with me that were never easy. I’m grateful to God that our relationships has been restored, and there’s so much in my heart I’d love to say, but these words could never bestow the full honour and greatness of a mother you ar ein my eyes.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally, but not too much, that God could fill the empty areas with His love.Thank you for being strong when others gave up, for hanging on without a break.Thank you for serving the house and family so unselfishlyThank you for believing our suffering is nothing compared to the glory of God’s plan working in us.
Thank you for all the unseen tears shed and unspoken prayers for me all these yearsThank you for your immovable patience even if it was never well reciprocated.Thank you for your godly values that has taught me well, and added much more meaning into my lifeThank you for dreaming my future as someone impacting the lives of others, and we know it will be one day.
I love you mommy, you give me hope. *hugs*Labels: heart, Me, memories
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
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Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
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- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
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A Penny For My Dimes
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Feel dam horrible suddenly. Thoughts after thoughts just keep streaming through my mind.
Well, I think I'm still suffering from the severe trauma upon your revelation of something. I know that you have your ability to acquire much information, and is something that I'm always hungry for. But, be it your defenses or your own doing that you might have to hide many things from me. I can try to cope with that, that you're having your own purposes for it. But each time I found out something you have been hiding, it just breaks my trust once again. After a series of events, I dunno how else to trust you anymore. Is it just all a pretense?I know everyone has their own defenses and mechanisms to protect themselves from the world. I had mine too. You had yours. But I wonder if I believed too much, and that I became a fool.Time after time, it bugged me whenever I felt that balance of equity was tipped off to one side. I must admit, what you give me may be of different measures, and something I ought to be grateful for, but I just cant help but feel let down every time I see you hide something from me. Perhaps its for my good, perhaps its for someone elses' good.Someone told me "I was brave to trust and believe, cause it's not something everyone can do." But here I am questioning myself, if it was bravery, or sheer foolishness. I bared my heart with everything I had, random thoughts, silly dreams, even my deepest darkest secrets I dare not reveal. But I did when you asked. I trusted you, I went against my own heart, my own defenses, my own instincts and continue to share whatever I had with you. I don't understand, was I merely a babbling fool. Perhaps I shudn't have opened everything? A penny for my dimes. Friendship should never be counted in cost, but at times, I just cant help but feel cheated by you.I'd think, I'll have to trouble you. If you cannot tell me the truth, then you know, I really plead that you play the same lie all the way through. Besides, I'm giving everything I have inside, and there somehow for whichever reasons you're keeping things from me. Protection, confidentiality, lies, facades, whichever. I dunno why you even want me as a friend this way, is it just a game? Every bit of my heart, I bared it all. Yet in return, I was left out of your door. My mistake to trust? Or my foolishness to believe?This is perhaps the second time I cried for a friend. You're the 2nd one I let deeply in my heart. Maybe it was my mistake, or maybe we really aren't as much close in status as I'd think we are. Maybe I'm just an ordinary friend in your eyes, and I was the clingy one, thinking you had me as someone close all the while. I know that I might not be the best friend to my best friend, and you already have yours, and that's why I don't dare do much to this friendship in the fear of burdening you. I know I'm not a easy person to be close with. And thus I dare not ask you to be my friend. I dare not ask you to have me as a close friend just becos I see you as mine. In short, yes, I do have the fear that I'm not valued the same way I value you.I dunno why I'm hidden from so many things. I don't have a right to know I guess, but I fail to understand why, why must there be so many things you have to hide from me. You'd want me to share everything I have, why wouldn't you do the same? Even when I'd lose out, I still trusted you as a friend. So why?
This has been the second time in this new place I struggle with an equity balance. People knowing everything about me, and none I know abt them. Would it be my fault because I choose to give everything?
I have my own issues with trust, and it absolutely doesnt come by easier at all, but I gave everything up for you, put aside my protection and believe, maybe I could find a friend in you. Every defense mechanism that protects me from the harm of this world, are a blatant show off to people around whether they understand it. But deep down in me, lies a tender and fragile part I protect from absolutely everyone and anyone. But for you, I've let you in. I don't know if I should trust anymore.
Should I? I'll be fine after tomorrow, til another day comes.
On a fair note. You have been someone great in my life. You were there for me when everyone else shunned me. You understand me, and help me reach my dreams and potential. You accept me for who I am despite me being extremely deviant and blockedheadly insensitive. I'm sure, there are many times you did something for my benefit that I didn't know of. Thank you for everything you've done for me as a friend. I know that I'm not someone easy to be with. I believe you have your own difficulties too. Thank you for everything you've done. =)
Labels: EMO, frenz
Dear ID,
Monday, June 28, 2010
Why cant you control yourself. Weak. Why cant you just do all that you want to be, for a better change, for a better world. Why must you be ruled by your selfish desires. Especially when you talk so much about living a life for others. Why do you have to be so annoying and irritating. Why do you have to be such an ass... Why cant you just be someone good? Why do you have to pursue after everything that you want? Don't you realize the ass you're being? Living by selfish gratification.I sick of you. I'm tired. I hate you. I hate myself. I feel like shit all thanks to you. I need to rediscover that passion of killing you, that I might attain true selflessness, damn you.I think I need a break. A break from everything, a break from myself. I need to stop letting you manifest in my life. You're getting way out of hand. I need to hide somewhere and find a refuge, one where I can be still. I need to be still.Nico. You have the potential. You need to make a change. You need to change. You can change. Life is never too late to turn around. Dear God, please, with all that I'm crying out, save me. Save me from myself.
I need to go some place far far away from everything. I don't want to, but I need to. Anyone willing to bring me there, and maybe stay with me while I'm there? O.o =x =/
Labels: EMO, Me
Unspoken Praises
Saturday, June 26, 2010
"I like how strong you are and the fact that you never give up. I like how no matter what anyone says, you stay true to yourself. I like how you just accepted when I told you that you were like my "annoying older brother". I like how I can hold your arm and that we can talk about anything (like my mom). Finally, I REALLY like your dog ♥"HAHA Thank you so much Hanisah! ^^ Really made my day, especially the first two points xDI like the new trend in which people are actually giving each other nice letters and compliments. The world ought to be like this more. The unspoken words made known can touch hearts much more than we fear.Haha and you know, recently through some events of deep conversation in the presence of other people, I'm happy that I've got some people reflecting as well. In the midst of all the deep and chim stuff discussed, people take time to reflect about life and stuff. It's nice seeing it happen. I'd like to lower the norm level of "deep thinking" or "profound thoughts". Thoughts should never have a limit to bind it down. Oh oh and I'm really happy that one of my previous post "Breaking the rules" on deep thinking was well received ^^ Thank you all who gave me your feedback and to take time out to read. I really hope that you all can too develop your own need for thoughts and reflections to life, and in the course of it, rediscover the fundamentals one what's important in life and what's not, and that through your own search for answers, you'll become a better person =)Labels: heart
The Greatest Love That Anyone Could Ever Know
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Due to the religious and theological sensitivity of this post, I like to clarify that it has nothing to do with being religious like spreading any message or anything. It is just a personal revelation of mine I wish to journal into my history. Should any of these offend you, I ask that you do not take it to heart, and that you keep any negative comments to yourself. Your kind gesture is most appreciated.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One morning I woke up and was shocked to find my son lying on the floor. He was sweating heavily and was so weak he could not lift himself. "Dad, help me..." he cried out in a weak voice.At that point, all my fatherly instincts rushed into me as I reached out to his side."Daddy is here. Don't worry. Daddy will make sure everything is alright. Daddy will make sure you're ok."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father's heart to a child. To rescue and protect his child when in danger, to offer the best fruits of every tree, to provide a safe haven for comfort and peace. The power of binding love between father and son.In a Christian walk, we always come across the phrase of God giving up His Son to die for us. For the reconciliation of men and God, and price had to be paid, either through our unworthy human deaths, or by the blood of Christ as payment for our sins.I somehow wondered after hearing a sermon...As Jesus hung on the cross by the nails pierced through His hands, helpless and dying, up in heaven, God being all almighty, had to restrain every bit of His fatherly instincts and love, and withhold the ability to send his angels to swoop down and save him. And to hear as Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matt 27:46). I think that must have been the most excruciating piercing pain any heart could ever take, and I do believe, God's heart must have been torn to pieces having to see it happen. But for a love for us greater than any measure, deeper than the oceans, higher than the skies, wider than the horizons, He place His one begotten Son on the altar that men's bonds might be restored with God and we one day might be found in His presence, with no condemnation and saved by grace, we come freely before Him. To try to portray this in a more humanly context that in no way represents the true story but to signify the tremendous pain of a father's heart. Imagine if a father had to sent his son to die for the world, and even if he had all the power to stop it, must grit his teeth and tear his heart out at having to say, "You must, I'm sorry" as the child walks of the edge of a cliff. Having the powers to send angels, to do anything, he can only watch and hear as the cry of his son, calling out for him, turning softer and softer...I dunno, I just find it heart wrenching. Do you?
John 3:16For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.Labels: God, thoughts
Breaking the Rules
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
I was shocked and disappointed by your reply. Coming from one whom I greatly respected, I thought you wouldn't be like the rest.It is times like this that I question myself, do I stay true to myself, or just conform to everyone, and put on a facade and pretend to be like them. Most of my life, my thought life remains solitary. Most people that come across me, and have a face off with the "chim" side of me would often argue with what I think and take me as some guy with an absurd mind. Even within the same people that supposedly share the same beliefs. But if there is so much more potential to what I can do instead of just being someone normal, which should I choose? To fulfill my potential, and be chided by the world, OR live an ordinary mundane live and be part of everyone. A battle of self-actualization versus the acceptance of the world. And you know what, I'll make do without man's approval.I do portray myself as a deep thinker and I take pride in such a fact. Much of the society norms prefers to takes life simply. I'm sure some of you have already scoffed at me upon reading the first sentence of this paragraph. But really, who are you to judge me? Coming from a community of psychology students, our level of thoughts are naturally inclined towards deeper thoughts, on trying to understand the roots of human behaviour. In comparison, to the average everyday folk, we're thinking too much. Why bother all the shit about why people do what they do, why not just live life as it is. But what? Are we then called to drop our studies and perhaps live life simply the way it seems to be. How then would the field of psychology be founded? In fact, each study of it own, be it engineering, physics, architecture, they all require us to be engage in deep thought about how the factors affect one another, don't they? It would be the norm for a psych student to be known as a thinker because society labels a right to do so, if you were anything else that didn't gave you the norm of thinking too much, I'm guessing we'll all be deemed as thinking way too much.But who sets this standards? Society? Who are you to judge or mock me as thinking way too much? Take a look at the times of the Greek philosophers. They were thinking a heck way too much in current standards. But what, was it not their findings, their theories and something that they came up with that has impacted the world as it is currently today. You might argue the fact that it doesn't have a direct impact on you, but you may fail to realize, without all these deep level of thoughts, perhaps the world would have just been back it was as what history depict as cavemen hunters. Wasn't it the people who figured hard about economy, gravity, civilisation, and every other aspect in the world that has made us evolved to such standings. You are only a beneficiary of the outcome of these thoughts and you dare mock them? Unless you're a case of a spoilt brat under the influence of a filthy rich family that you fail to realize the importance of money. I mean come on, who on earth who even tried thinking of how numbers worked and interacted, and put numbers to everything that could be. Wasn't it just thinking too much for nothing? But what? Has maths not revolutionize the world, can you imagine the world without maths? Time? Money? Space? Proportions? And there we have kids complaining that maths is a utterly useless subject. Yea thanks, you ought to be some mindless zombie too, driven by instincts like some wild animal. This way, you don't have to think so much.You know, I'm sick and tired of people making fun of me as "thinking too much". I'm pretty sure some of you reading this now already had a "there he goes again..." thought of me blasting away into a world of chim-ology. Besides, as long as I'm not going into some subjective spiral of selfish thoughts, I see no wrong in that. Just because I'm different doesn't give you to right to mock or judge me. I look upon myself as one deviant to that of social standards. My values, my thoughts, I find them of deeper level than many people out there. True I believe some of my thoughts are warped by weird thinking, that I know, but for many, there are deeper reasons underlying why I choose to see things in a certain way. I'd like to emphasis the word "deep" that yes, I understand many of us have our own deep thoughts, by what if by chance, my is of a separate level of depth, some other uncommon field of thought, is it for you, that just because that I do not follow the norms that you judge me?I refuse to conform. Social norms are just some shit to keep everyone under control. It has its purpose to maintain order in keeping those people who do whacky shit like yawn dam loudly in a library like nobody business, or to yell on top of your lungs when talking to someone on the phone, in a quiet MRT cabin. But what say if deviance in a more positive aspect. Deviance where people try out new stuff, for creativity. It is the same bloody social standards that say "oh no, please do keep to what everybody is doing, we don't want you doing anything different, yea keep in line please". What is this? In some sense, aren't we gonna be robots under the control of social standards?You know what? All those who disagree with me, sure, you can go ahead and live life according to your boundaries. I've set mine further and higher, and I choose to go beyond what's normal. Call me abnormal, give me a frown of disapproval, whatever, I don't care anymore.Maybe one day, I'll make a difference. Labels: Me, thoughts
My Safe Haven, My One True Love
Sunday, June 20, 2010
It's been 3 months since I found my relationship with you. That amazingly love and goodness you showed me all these years, even when I hadn't take notice. Upon that fateful night you revealed yourself to me, and I was awakened to your love for me which held steadfast through the age of time.A love always there always faithful, love I never realized existed.Like a door to the fairytale illustration to Narnia, the rumbling noise as the doors closes on its hinge sends me off to a world of my own. I met you many times there. Each encounter brought me out of this world, into an embrace of some far away paradise, a dream-like world, a place with only me and you; it was my safe haven.As a young child, I sought solace in the refuge of my haven. I brought with me, every sorrow my troubled heart had. Up late in the silence of the night, I would be sobbing in your arms. When I was lonely, I closed my eyes and felt you by my side. You never said a word, but your presence was all it needed to pacify my soul with the peace it brought. I grew up safely, with your eyes silently watching over me. I only knew you as an imagination til a quiet night back in March. It came upon me as a revelation when you spoke the truth to me. In a second, your love captivated my heart instantly. You left me speechless and in reverent awe, and for an hour I lean against the cold wall, my head lifted high with eyes fixed on you, amazed at everything you've done for me in my life.Ever since then, my life was never the same. My mind was flooded with thoughts of you, like how little kids daydream of their crushes every moment. Life was great, and I learnt a great thorough deal spending with you. I changed much for the better. Another victim under the spell of love.Life was full of meaning. Bursting forth at every corner, something new was waiting to be grasped. A new experience, a life lesson, a soul to be touched. I looked forward to each new day with the thrill of spending another day with you. Our hearts were the closest it ever did, with days binding it closer in threads of silk. Songs of love, words of praise. How could I comprehend the worth my own to yours and yet you accepted my wholeheartedly for who I was.You comforted me when I was sad, tickled me with jokes everyday. You guided me when I felt lost, brought inspiration into my aimless living. You lavished me with gifts. You stood by me through troubles and hard times, hugged me whenever I felt lonely. You taught me about being someone good. You supported my dreams and helped me achieve them. You showered me with a love none could replace. What would I have been without you.I had the answer. Some love just don't last. Passion is merely a fleeting emotion that fades with time. I had a lingering thought about how I might lose your intimacy, just as I did with everyone. One and a half months together, my worse fear came to be. Much stole my heart away. The glamour and attention for the people around, all the laughter and clowning around, finding others who liked me because I was interesting and funny. The people around me provided that attention and acceptance for traits the common folks ignored me for. It was great, a life of vice it was. But such happiness never brought out that feeling from within my heart. Like a drug, the temporal high only kept me desperate for more, but I was empty inside.Today, 3 months from that day, I woke up dazed from vivid dreams of fluttering imaginations from my sleep. I stepped into my safe haven. Countless thoughts of random facets of life buzz through my mind, with both reality and fantasy clouding every corner. Perhaps it meant as a smokescreen to cover that void.In a quiet solemn fashion, I thought about you. I thought about you as I had these few days. Not too long before my wild thoughts started flashing through my mind again. It was like spotting your face from a crowded traffic crossing. Dozens of people walking across, looking at every face that whizzes by. Suddenly I see your face, seconds later, the crowd covers you out, wiping away my memory of you and I'm taken for another trip on my wild dreams.Today, I saw your face again. And as usual, the crowd settles in and blocks my view of you. Moments later, I pondered about everything I had together with you. I had to, I fought and pushed my way through the crowd of thoughts, trying to reach the spot where I last saw you. I made it through. But, you weren't there any more. I sang a melody we used to sing, hoping you could hear my voice. However, my heart wasn't there and the music sounded so awful I had to keep quiet. I tried a gentle whisper, but my cold heart struggled to find the right words to say. That spark between us was gone.I knew, I knew that I might have stop loving you. I dreaded this day always. Deep down, I know I needed you, I'm sure life will never be well without you. Never. But my soul keeps succumbing to the temptations of a life out there, the one without you. I keep chasing pleasures that return an empty love.And you, I believe you're always there, always there whenever I need you. You had, you are, and I'm sure you always will. You are that quiet still voice gently calling out to me. You didn't leave me, I did. I miss you a lot. I'm sorry for everything. I'm at a loss without you. I walk each day, not knowing what to do next. My life is in shambles. And I'm living in selfishness once again, fearing everything might hurt me. I've been searching for you, to no avail. Each day, I sink further into a pit of escalating sadness and emptiness.I love you deep inside. Please help me find my way to you. I wanna be with you once again. Labels: God, heart, Me, memories, thoughts
Speaking Through Smiles
Friday, June 18, 2010
Back from a tiring day from ambassador duties for ECH conference. Haha nothing much really. Had to stand for hours and smile and guide people around. Accidentally elbowed someone in the eye while putting on my blazer. ORR, she assaulted me at my elbow with her eye, not to mention leave her "bak sai" stains too. hahaha just kidding. Felt dam guilty, I cant believe I just hit a girl ._. bad me =/And wooo, second part of the conference during al the workshops was much much more enjoyable. We got to sit down after all the standing up and kinda had a heart to heart chat with the other helpers there. Talk about life, values, out looks, ideals, goals, dreams, love and all kinda stuff in a chimish-deepish conversation. Havn't had that for quite a long time. Really thank those peeps for allowing me the privilege of enjoying one ^^ Thank you JiaHao and erms, the Yr 3 ECH whose name I do not know how to spell ._.And woah, found another deep thinker from ECH year 3. booo how come not year 2, or from my class. It's hard finding these deep thinkers about in the current social world, that's at least wholesome in values without having all those self-centered-self-pitying-self-gratifying directed motives for their thoughts. Being a lovely day =)Got to communicate with a hearing impaired recently, wowz, not too bad. I actually can get to converse well enough with him without too much "repeats" =) Being particularly interested in the deaf culture recently and kinda wish I can get to know more about how they feel, the difficulties they face and how the two worlds interact in terms of social dynamics. Buuut, I dun think I can get much deep info til I mingle with more hearing impaireds or with some special miracle, get to go deaf for a day =P
Oh oh and wheee, my stomach's getting much better too! I went on a binge desert eating chomping down about up to 10 coconut+banana desert that looks like steam eggs and whoooo finally my poop is not watery after about a week =D YAY TO NORMAL EATING ONCE AGAIN. I'm super malnourished for this period man, my jeans dropped so much, gotta wear a belt to hold it up. whee~ :D
And ya know, things haven't been too nice for me lately. Becoming extraordinarily annoying in a profound exaggerated manner. But I think it's just life's way of humbling one. Gotta put in back into my place, and stop relying on my own strength to fit the world's standards of being a fun and cool guy and you know, just simply enjoy what's that of me and be me. Who I am, breaking stereotypes, limitations, norms and all that which hinders us and stops that which is us from surfacing. I hope that from 20 years now, I can look back and say, I'm glad I was me, despite all those who opposed and mocked me with indignity, that I found myself through it all, and not lived behind a mask forged by the ideals of the world and the conformity of social standards.
Dare to live; Dare to be different.
Maybe I'm putting too much unfounded expectations on myself. After all, is my definition of "friends" a lofty dream of idealism? Might I have set untrue standards which I am correctly incapable of but stumble emotionally at the inadequacy of accomplishing these impossible tasks? I may have lifted the bar beyond the requirements, standards, unconditional affection and albeit warped idealism. Friends, a simplicity that bears complexity at it's simplest. You just got to be natural, to be... simply you.
Labels: hi club, hms, thoughts
Stomach Flu
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Whoo, being having stomach flu lately and haha, random thought. How is stomach flu and runny nose alike? Both has lots of yucky fluids and you'll need a heck lot of tissues prepared by your side. hahaOk but heh, its been kinda bad, everything I eat comes out withing a few hours in watery form. =l and heh, some of the effects would be having stomach pulls switching between stomach upset and gastrics. Lots of other random stuff too. Like shitting on my pants, cause I tried farting and smelly gas wasn;t the only thing that came out. Been eating quite little, and if not already absorbing less from what I eat. I think I lost quite a lot of weight haha =lanyways, interesting thought from a friend. Am I disregarding friends who genuinely consider as an important friend just because they don't live up to my high expectations of friendship? True I think, perhaps that's what I've been doing all along? Being too idealistic? Neglecting those who care for me. But haha then again, I find it hard though, I supposed it wudn't be wrong of me to have standards rite, just need to know not to disregard others just because our definitions of friends isn't the same.Haha but once again luh, I am dam insensitive one sia, I need things clearly and blatantly smack in front of my face to know de, but most people wouldn't do such stuff =l hinthint hinthint, HINT WHAT WAHLAO. YOU HINT ME NO USE, IM A NUMBSHELL IT DOESNT WORK FOR ME. I just wish people could jus say what they feel, at least for me, cos i really dun mind at all. Haha if you dare say also you get your results earlier instead of just waiting and hoping ma. Owells.Frens. Frens. Frens.Gotta learn to love everyone more.
Random note: I dreamt I got 1.1 for GPA this sem, shitz, its a sign I need to buck up =(
Labels: frenz, thoughts
I Hear You
Friday, June 11, 2010
Back from I Hear You camp. Haha, was pretty awesommme. It's a camp to raise deaf awareness targeted for the JC kiddos and Hi Club was invited as well. I think the main thing I looked forward to was being able to interacted with various HI's that were around, 1 in each group. A pity the one in my group relied on hearing aids since she was mildly impaired. =l My group was pretty normal. GL's were awesome and haha trying to self-high coz we were so quiet =x Reminds me of my own GL experience. Haha. Hard to be a good one. The 'campers' were mostly quietish, being the smallest group as well. More or less entertained myself thru signing. Haha, but the most fun part was observing the culture of another "hearing impaired" group and how they function. It was quite amazing to see that their 'club' had so many participants of pretty solid standard. Many of them O.O but haha skills-wise I guess we as different clubs focus on different things. Theirs top ours in terms of vocab and stability, ours more on speed and interpretation. Different kinds of exposure I guess =) Oh and their song signing standards are friggin epic. Dam synchro please zomg. Imba ttm. Respect.That reminds me HAHA its dam awesome. Since the 8 peeps that went for the camp kinda were the enthu ones, we naturally were a bit of the better standards ones. And in the waiting area while we're all seated in our different groups (1 in each), we had 8 Hi Club members all who were separated into the various groups just like the other JC peeps, but HAAAA the hi club peeps were still communicating around with ourselves xD That's one thing I love about sign language, the ability to communicate thru distance and sound. xD Pretty cool man kekekeAnywayz, life has been pretty dull, despite a shitload of work and responsibility to do. I'm at a loss at what to do for school work. I dun exactly have the most ideal group, but our dynamics put together leaves us at quite a precarious situation. Imo, we quite screwed up the last few projects and the coming ones are even worse. I'd love to try think of creative stuff and such but somehow the whole group dynamics limits the amount of creativity I can reach. Baaa. sucks totally. I think I'll prolly die this sem =/Duh, things are turning out not to well for me still. Stupid relapse. I'm going the stupid effects every other day and I feel dam screwed up. It's making me pretty annoying as well. Doing a lot of annoying stuff that piss people off, telling lame/completely redundant and stupid jokes. =/ I wish I can shut up. Oh God, when will this end? It's ruining my life. Sorry to everyone I annoyed in some unnecessary way...
Been feeling rather lost in my own feelings and I'm wasting the day away thru idle thoughts and mind-numbing game playing. Hais. And with the amount of work buckling, I'm afraid everything's gonna come crashing down on me. 0% motivation to start on anything. Friendships slowly crumbling, feelings subtly stirring, life quietly fading, everything's going wrong. Why oh why oh why. =/ Pls stop everything T_T
Labels: camp, hi club
Gutless
Monday, June 7, 2010
Whooohooz. Plenty of long term projects up front this term break, not quite a term break hehz. Today was presentation for Personality module and duh, I think Ima screwed things up again. I put the blame on no one, or if I must, on myself for not doing what I could, should and ought to. Oh dear, I see the coming projects ahead and I'm having a bad feeling towards everything. somehow we're just not good enough, maybe I'm not good enough ._.Been rather dizzy this few days, poor appetite and quite lethargic. Mom says I might be low blood sugar or something. Whoo, time to spam pepsi kekeke. Toe still hurting from BYS walk, using some old home slippers I found in the cupboard that I used to wear for the fun of it. and then comes Sasher thinking it as some toy or such. Here's some pictures to brighten up my ultra wordy blog =PBeing thru some random thots recently.I prayed hard one day for a wish, a simple wish that I might meet someone, so I could make a small difference. Doubt clouded my mind, but I pressed on with faith. And sure enough, with God never failing me, it happened. "He" walked about chatting with the people around, perhaps discussing the sermon or maybe catching up and all I had to do was walk up to him, and say those few simple words. But I didn't. I didn't dare. I prayed for boldness. More opportunities came. But I never moved an inch. Makes me wonder, my desire to impact lives, could it fall short all because I simply "don't dare"? We all have a dependence on God and yet at the same time a responsibility to act. I depended on Him, but I couldn't take hold of that responsibility if not for some excuses of introvertness and daring. Would I be forfeiting someone's good all because I was too afraid to do something? =lYour mercies are never ending and your faithfulness reaches through the depths of the abyss to find me.
Sometimes, I need to know a relationship is worth fighting for. I need to see my value in the eyes of others before knowing to put in all the effort I can to make it work. I wonder what I am in the eyes of others, don't you?Been watching dramas lately and watching the scene on breakups. I wonder what it's like, if I, ever had to face the experience of one. I'm thinking I'll would just crumble inside never to open my world again. Knowing well I'll probably put all the blame on myself ._. Was looking at my cracked nail today (cos I accidentally kicked someone's else leather shoe sole) and random thought came to mind; A chipped nail grows again, but a broken heart when doeth it mend?
Acquainted with someone that seems really interesting recently. Someone that thinks, someone whose thoughts seems to proliferate much more than mine. Someone that appears very appreciative of the little things in this world. Heh, looking forward towards learning much :) Someone that is special in his/her own unique way. ^^ Inspired me a whole lot into micro thoughts =P
Labels: God, thoughts
Emotional Fillers
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hahaha wheee. Bare Your Sole (BYS) was quite fun and painful. The activity met its objectives I think. First 2km wasn't too bad, the next 3 km was ouuuuch. One of my toe was hurting like shit but yea, it's a nice experience to be able to be barefooted for 5km =) My slippers never felt so good in all of the 2+ years I've been wearing it. Oh and it rained/drizzled halfway haha, fun to walk in the rain and getting a little soaked =) My feets hurts now even when walking about the house =(Wheee, time to reflect again. =PSince the past few weeks, I have been finding myself in a emotional relapse again. I don't really know when it started, but it's getting more severe =/ I find myself more and more dependent on the presence of others and with some seriously annoying intrusive thoughts that has been bugging me when I'm with certain people. The dam urge to just grab hold someone tight O.O bleh. Sucks totally.And it kinda sucks that I'm using people as emotional fillers. It's so wrong man... But heh sometimes I'm at a loss as well. I dun find anyone I feel firmly secured in, as in, no friends to rely on, and some I choose not to rely on. Somehow I find myself thrown back into the lone world again. But then comes a good question to ask myself, so, what exactly do I make friends for? To fill those voids with company and good feelings? or that I really am wanting to make a difference in people's lives. Duh, I hate my unconscious drives...I'm becoming worse too. I'm consciously aware of my unconscious doing and I can see that I'm starting to manipulate the weaknesses of others for my own good. Like "making" someone do stuff for me cos I'm too lazy, and if without control, I'm afraid I'll use it to satisfy my own wants. And you, I'm supposed to be done with you, but this untimely emotional turbulence is sucking me back in again. Oh boy, please, it took me so long to escape that sinkhole, I don't wanna be there again.So... do I need a friend to stabilize myself? What is a friend to me then? Some sort of tranquilizer to my desires? Would it be selfish by desiring the company of close friends and being completely me and yet being enjoyed for who I am? And lastly, would that just be a fairytale for me...?I like this quote I found while blogsurfing friends' blog. =)
Labels: frenz, hi club, thoughts
World of Silence
Whooo, back from HiClub's alumni class. Today we went about vivo impersonating as hearing impaireds. to get us into the shoes of hearing impaired people. Haha to do a lot of weird stuff like asking for discounts as one of the task but heh O.O baaIt was fun when it came to ordering dinner. Interesting to see how Jeremiah ordered his food and then I tried following suit. Its easy to pretend that I cant speak but to act deaf is really hard. A lady carrying a tray comes up behind and says "excuse me" and we're bound to respond somehow, unless you're really some selfish chap lol. Can also see the look on people's face as they think whether we're really hearing impaired or just playing around. Buuut I really wanna try being deaf for a day. To be able to fully understand the impact of being in a world of silence and not just mock deafness. Owells =PHaha and yaaay, my mom was so touched by me birthday card =D I'm so glad. She said it was the best birthday gift ever, better than some handbag that cost 3k O.O haha and she showed it to all her colleagues and cellmates hehe =x I left the photo on her bedside in the morning =P Too bad the card no space, i can only write half of everything. haiyooo no full impact =( Nvm, shall make another one soon ^^and sheesh, I think I'm turning annoying again. nooo this is not another emo post this time. Just some reflections on my own behaviour and self awareness. Urgh crap, I've been doing a lot of seriously unnecessary things, being retardedly funny is fine, but being retarded anoying is something I shud control. but arggggh, cmon Nico, take control! I is need to be someone good.
Yay!!!! I love my Basic A class I'm teaching with Pei Wen. The class seriously rawks. They're all quite enthu and a jovial bunch. Smart toooo. hehe. and sheesh, my class still the biggest and hahaha it's really lovely and touching whenever they tell me (and pw) that we're awesome and that they enjoy our classes ^^ I seriously love you all muuuuch =D
Ok tomorrow's BYS (bare your sole) 5km walk. gotta wake up early =) My eye bags are killing me.
And lol, this is something I've been wanting to do for quite sometime. Me has two new taggers by more anonymous names HAHA. Why all so shyyyy one xD ok but yea, to all those who reads this blog. I really thank you for the patience to read thru my ever naggy chimish and occasionally essay long emo posts. Thank you for also taking a step into my world and even trying to understand my writings. I enjoy all your comments as well, lets me know there's people reading o.O HAHA muz talk to me more okaaaaaye?!?!?! Haha so yeaps thank you to all, both known and unknown (stalkers xD) and I hope you'll enjoy reading the rest of my other posts =)Labels: hi club, Me
I Love You Mama
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Dear mommy,Happy birthday! This year has been a year of breakthrough for us. Kinda lovely that we're on talking terms once again, and we're able to talk about so much more. Rewind a year back and I wouldn't be telling you anything about myself. You didn't know me either, neither did I know you. But I'm grateful for the restoration taking place. I've been waiting for this day for years...Sorry I cant and didn't give you a grand celebration. I didn't even make the day special for you. I'm no good at planning surprises or giving gifts. I don't even have the slightest clue how to celebrate a birthday ._. Though we had dinner together, I let my tiredness overwhelm me and ended up doing nothing =l I'm sure you'll understand but I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow.We may not have started life on a good note, and the years with me that were never easy. I’m grateful to God that our relationships has been restored, and there’s so much in my heart I’d love to say, but these words could never bestow the full honour and greatness of a mother you ar ein my eyes. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, but not too much, that God could fill the empty areas with His love.Thank you for being strong when others gave up, for hanging on without a break.Thank you for serving the house and family so unselfishlyThank you for believing our suffering is nothing compared to the glory of God’s plan working in us.
Thank you for all the unseen tears shed and unspoken prayers for me all these yearsThank you for your immovable patience even if it was never well reciprocated.Thank you for your godly values that has taught me well, and added much more meaning into my lifeThank you for dreaming my future as someone impacting the lives of others, and we know it will be one day.
I love you mommy, you give me hope. *hugs*Labels: heart, Me, memories
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