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The Curse of Her Allure
Friday, April 30, 2010

It's interesting seeing how the various shattered hearts bleed for you. Here's something I wrote quite some time back,
A simple diamond, bearing a curse on it's beholder. Perishing those who lust after its shine, dooming the lives of those who lay hands on it into further atrophy.
Yeaps. That sparkle in you amazingly bedazzles the people around you, I'm not quite sure how the science behind that works but it's a beautiful trait. But disastrous when handled without care.

I've seen many who gave their hearts for you, who experienced a period of euphoria with you, who fell into a abyss of depression and heartache without you. It's shocking. But I won't wanna blame you. Your innocence, how much true I do not know, but I mustn't make any assumptions.

I glad I'm out of that pit, with the help of divine grace. I've learned to look at you not as a diamond, but a rock, a carbon formation, but nothing more other than out of a pure form of genuine love for another being. The unconditional love written in the legends.

I survived, miraculously. And here I stand bruised but alive, guarding my path by the boundaries according to the laws of love, I think of those who perished. Their cries haunt my mind and their anguish burns my heart. But I'm at a loss, how, how do I reach out to them. I could very well leave them to their fate, but would it be fair?

I dream of myself as the hero, draped in a shadowy crimson cloak. I imagine myself as a saviour to the weak, helpless, lost. But it is a figment of imagination my willful mind can fathom. How then should I go about with my life. Walk away from the site or to attempt reaching out to them fallen souls?

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Green Grass and Last

Hey hey, Haha, it's been nice having people around encouraging me. Quite unexpected =P start on with random stuff first.

Omg, gg. The wounds from me ice skating, all the scalp tearing off but not coming off that kind. The edges all come off liao but the middle still stuck =,= zzz. Got sianed of it and decided to tear it out and ooolala, now got 2 holes on my leg. The wound is curve in one. zzz Please do not leave any ugly scar... On both legs some more.

HiClub instructing's gonna start soon. Interesting to see the power game progress. I wan me class to be awesomez stuff. Good that I have some people I know so it wont be too awkward for me myself to be talking to the peeps. Know one camper as well so can bully her hehex >=D 2 from Hi-O and some acquaintances as well. kekeke.

Been mixin around with some new peeps. Labelled as a "crazy stalker" after a prank gone bad. LOLOLOLOL. Not bad sia, first time ppl call me up to tell me i'm a crazy stalker. Was bored and then yz decided to msg her fren with my phone as well as some creepy messages and wheee, she freaked out when this "stranger" knew 101 things and with weird messages as well. HA. Not bad, got to make a new friend thru this as well ^^

Friends. Gonna try learning how to be a friend. Began talking to some friends to try maintain contact. Hard but I'ma try my best ^^

Alrities then, shall get on with my thoughts. The grass is green in my field. The grass seems greener on the other side though.

Ha. Contentment/Sastisfaction/Thanksgiving/Expectations.

Been feeling the grass is ever greener on the other side, a more enthu grp, more bonded gl's, smarter group mates, fun-ner friends, cmon, I could list a whole bunch of stuff to prove the grass is greener on the other side. Buuuut. I also did post a write up on how i should be happy with my own grass. Time to put that into application.

hmm, I'm sure to most of us, the grass always seems greener on the other side. People's situations just seem much better to be in. Why cant we have things that way too? Why can't life be like his/hers. But the problem with greener grass is that there is no 'greenest' grass. Person A covets person B's life. Person B also covets Person A's life. in the end, we're liking someone else's life while someone out there wishes for our life.

The colour green is a spectrum of shades. Every green appears greener than the previous last. I think it applies to life as well. Each of us have our own patch of green grass, with it's own unique shade for our own fulfillment. Many people would willingly give up their own grass to have a taste of others, but they suddenly feel the new grass isn't to their liking and then they move on, and in the continuous search for greener grass, lose everything they have and had.and often when they realized their folly. They're probably wondered off somewhere far away like Greenland, maybe they've got the greenest grass there. lolol stupid lousy pun. ._.

But ya lor, each patch of grass is msot suited for us, and tasteless, bland, bitter, sweet or inedible as it is, it's the perfect formula to our life. One suited to help us grow, and nourish us with certain experiences to help to develop. Develop character, ideals, values and attitudes, things essential to the uniqueness of life. That's why those who patiently slug through their own difficulties with courage end up being the winners.

They say "nice guys finish last." Sure, in the world's context we'll prolly finish last, but I'm sure we've more things to gain then the first. The first loses himself to gain the world, the attention, fame and all that. But the last one comes in with perseverance, and not only gains the development and experiences but I think more importantly so, has his focus on what's right and does not lose himself in the process. Last they may be, but through time's test they will stand.

okayz, I shall end here. Dear me, please be content with the things you have, and use them for the best benefit of both the people around and the saneness of my soul. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm writing with a dead zombiefied brain from fatigue. Whoots. Nite nites peeps.


I hope I'm not the one, yet secretly I wish I am. Damn
Is it possible for someone like me?
Am I even worthy of another's heart? =x

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Short Fuse
Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Hohoho, nice receiving encouragement from the people around =) Thanks and yeaps, I know I know, I'm gonna be a friend in my own special kind of way ^^

And lolz all at you anonymous taggers with your comments =) Always wondering who's ever reading my blog but yea, keep commenting haha, me likes them =D

Anywayz, shall move on to the next learning chapter of my life. Seems recently I have been highly intolerable, I'm easily pissed off by people some how. Or maybe specifically so by certain people. But nooooote. It's not them irritating me, I'm just with short fuses around this people and I have no idea why. I'm guessing it's a restlessness within my soul of the stray away from God but interestingly so why only these few people. In fact, people I was previously nice to.

but yea, I'm taking this as another lesson to learn, one of patience, tolerance and long suffering. I'm a fairly amicable for those who know me and blowing up isn't one of my thing unless you step on certain landmines. Then you can kthxbyenoob already. bwuahaha, but yea, so i seek the understanding of those around me, if I ever blow up on you, or the kind of "RAWR CAN YOU SHUT UP AND GO AWAY" vibe, I hope you can understand it's just some sort of weirdish moment for me, so please don't take it to heart.

To all friends, I'll state my apologies here.

Sorry Huiqi, sorry for being a direct victim of my outbursts. I'll sincerely tell you, it really really really has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry if it made you feel awkward or hurt in any way, please please please understand that it's some life lesson I'm somehow going thru and I still wanna be your friend, but erms, either you try standing alone for some time (it's good for you to learn that too) or you just come find me but dun take all my RAWRish reactions to heart ._.

Sorrrrry mom, for shouting, yelling and giving that unhappy attitude. Thanks for your understanding and constant prayers for me =) I'm sure I'll become a better person through this ^^

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I care, but I don't know how
Sunday, April 25, 2010

This week has been one eventful week. Tuesday til thursday having D4F, leading cell on friday, and being a GL for Hi-Club's orientation.

Found out something new about me with my capacity to tap on a limitless reserve of energy, going to a super high mode, where I will be moving every second or two. Much to the point people would like to know I'm diagnosed with ADHD. hehe But I cant help but agree though. Even when walking, climbing stairs, standing on the spot, I will be either jumping about or doing some exaggerated form of movement. But it's fun though, seems like people are getting laughs outta it :D

~~~~~~~

Sometimes i feel quite tired of making friends. I'm tired of losing them, not only that, but I feel for the loss of a a fren someone has to face when they believe in me, only for me to disappoint them. I know well myself the dynamics of friendship, that it is not of my nature to retain people in my life. I fail to be a friend, or at best, an acquaintance. In an analogy, my nature is one of a cloud. I move on, in and out of other lives, sometimes in control, sometimes to where the wind blows me to. But this is also why I lack any deep connection to another. I cant and don't know how to bond. Perhaps this is a good thing, this way, I won't have to feel the continual loss of bonds, you can't lose what you didn't have.

Besides, my friendships with everyone seems weirdly superficial. I know people face problems. All the time. But I only get wind of problems through having to stalk, eavesdrop or work on my poor inferencing skills. But it seems for me that no one ever reveals anything to me. My friends all appear perfectly fine to me. But what's up with everyone appearing fine? Am I too untrustworthy? Not good enough? Insensitive? Or someone you'll last think about when it comes to sharing things. I really don't know.

I care, I really do. But every time I ask on how's things are going, I get a meaningless "fine" for an answer. Is it just me baring my soul to others without thinking or what, because my replies of "how's life" always comes with a tinge of some good and bad stories with it.

In fact, I'm feeling dam useless as a friend if not for aesthetic purposes. I can't think of things to talk, I'm not one who can make you laugh till your abs hurt, I'm not sensitive, I'm not entertaining, damned I'm not even knowledgeable. How? How am I able to try open windows of others' souls when I don't even get to know where they are.

I envy people who are able to know their friend's well, on be the one whom everyone likes. Not so much so because I enjoy the attention, but cause I wanna be a friend, a friend that does what a friend ought to do. But here I'm enclosed in this invisible social barrier, I assumed built upon my own incapability of handling friendships.

This is where my esteem breaks down. I know I'm good, but not good enough for any use to others. Is this a call to go solo? I'll admit, I'm no good at being a friend. To all my past, current and future friends, I'm sorry.

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Dance4Fun 2
Thursday, April 22, 2010

Woots, tonight was the night. Dancing for HMS, just as I did last year. HAHA, got pulled into the dance cause there was lack of male participants. Went there to support end up kena have to dance, but yups was good. Got a chance to bond with more freshies, have fun and just do more crazy things with them.

Dance4fun practices were good, meeting the same faces and laughing over mistakes and playing during the breaks. Hms jus rawks to the core.

Met up with the D4F peeps after class and haa, everyone's looking pretty darn awesome. Boys in some black shirt with 2 buttons off looking dam sexy and cool, the girls in bright colours and black leggings. since the theme was 80's, the guys styling their hair was epic. And since I'm one of them, whaaat to do. Just heck and go along with the fun then =) And yeesh, my hair looks weird but people around say quite nice and, 3 cheers for Xavier who alternatively found his calling to hair styling. He styled all our hair and mine with like 1 big slab of gel. The guys were looking even more awesome with that =D

Because of the over-plentiful gel used, my hair felt like a metal sponge, you know the ones you used to scrub your dishes? lolz, the hard so hard as though if fold it'll break o.O and yea, everyone enjoyed patting my springy hardy hair...

And yoosh! Got super nervous just before entering the stage. I managed to remember most of the dance steps, all but one HAHA siaanz, I stood there stunned looking around. I'm sure we all had a ball of fun up there though ^^

Dinner together was another epic thing. Xavier our dear hairstylist so happens to thought I kinda look like Adam Lambert with eyeliner since my hair was somewhr there already. And hooray, so happens Jeanne had her makeup pouch with her and sheesh. Without much effort of pinning me down, I turned out looking like this...



Cool huh? Had the peeps laughing their heads of at me, ppl taking photo shoots with me =P and guys being mesmerized. lol, and btw, the pic might not show much but if you were there seeing me in person, woots good luck man, no need to sleep liao. I looked super duper wuper uper gay, in an awesome way, (quotes Xavier Tan) Dunno what look people want, but cannot get kinda of thing. eeyer, who want to look like that sia

Owells, have been pretty busy with D4F practices, glad I can rest now and start focusing on assignments to come O_O









:O


Ze ahbengz




~pose of the day~

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Words of pique
Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I wanna apologize for the previous post's words and tone (now edited). Most of them were out of anger. Yups, please don't take it to heart.

Owells, it's still continues to bug me. As much as my feelings for you are now purely kept as rightful, is there no chance of being frens?

I'm still baffled at how 6 months of good friendship can be torn down in a matter for days. Close friends to less than acquaintances. How can it be? I really wanna understand and know what's up, both from a personal curiosity, and out of an unique friendship I once had. I have a right for accountability, but you have the ultimate right to choose to disclose it.

I really don't want it to be this way for the next 2 years. You're someone significant to me. And I dunno but, if it's gonna be this way, you dao-ing me every time I try, I might one day give up ever bothering to talk to you.

It's just dam weird living this way without knowing what's up. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to clear things up, continue pursuing this friendship, or just move on with life.

You have you responsibilities, I have mine. Let's just do our parts kay?

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Day 1 Year 2
Monday, April 19, 2010

First day of school was awesome. Got our groupings for Stats module done in the first day. We even get to be as social workers, with our own case study to work on, and it slowly develops over the weeks, like a game! =D so cool rite! oh, and I'm in the group as Huiqi for an epicish 5 times already.

anyway, today was filled with lotsa thoughts gonna post 3.


Had a chat with zhi xiong today, about how I've changed, primarily so my big drop in hiclub which he claims is pretty obvious. I'll admit yea, I've noticed that change too, I don't sign as much, and the way I talk about hiclub is quite different too. I now only talk about the people. anyways, I'm over it. Me losing the post, just that I do have my own effects and repercussions. I've lowered my passion because I see no need to maintaining a uber high level of passion into something I cannot (currently) do. Kinda like a waste of emotional energy.

Besides, change is inevitable. We cant expect circumstances to change, but the the world to remain. The world tags along with the repercussions of change just as how the grass bends with the direction of the wind.

Thanks for your concern. It really means a lot to me, that someone actually has an eye on me, taking a note about the difference in me. At least I know I'm not invisible. But I can no longer stand close to the main comm as I did. I absolutely detest being left hanging about and especially so that now the dynamics are forcibly different, that you 10 as a main comm will develop special and unique bonds together as compared to someone that's now out of the social circle. You hate to see a line being drawn, but no matter what you do, there will always be a line. The law of status and social inequality will always be there.

And so I take a step back, to a comfortable proximity, where I'm not to far off, neither ma I too close for comfort. The other subbies too have settle in the new adjustment. It was a blow to us, but we've settled quite well, partly because we're forced to, but you all as main comm, but too let go of us. It's impossible to hold on to everything and even so forever.

You desire us to be together as one, but it is not possible. We are different. You, now muz learn how to let go, just as we have.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Gifts are quite a pain, I never liked them. I'm not the all creative kind, or meaningful, thoughtful or basically one's that's good with gifts. I don't even know how to properly rightfully accept gifts without breaking some rules of respect.

For you, we went out, and search shops and places for something we hope you'll like. We planned as best as we could something that might surprise you and, we did put in effort, or at least she did.

It happened quickly and we were all unprepared. There were some lapses in organizing everything, but it happened. Maybe you were surprised, maybe you were not, or maybe you were in a tired. But when it was just me and her left sitting at the table once crowded by members of a distant good memory quickly dissipated with an evanescent excitement. She was left a bit disappointed I felt, feeling the same way, but I couldn't have added on to that disheartened gentle heart. Do drop a word of thanks to her alrites? I'm sure it'll make her day =)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And finally, you. Yet again, I've been thinking about us. Was reflecting about my first year in poly and all the experiences. You were one of it. "Were". 6 months, I had you all, I had you, 6 months later, not a single one remains. Even unexpectedly so you. I know friends will come and go, but this is most quite unexpected. Because after everything, I now wonder, do we even have a chance to be friends.

There's an ignorance of either's existence even when together. Am I supposed to be befriend you unconditionally, or is this a sign for me to move on with life?

I have this urging feeling to maybe clear things up once and for all. Like find out whatever the shit is up between us that's causing this rift. I'm tired of all this pointless awkwardness between us. And woots, I hope it wont be like the previous time, "something of my imagination" cause I think that's plain lies. Something is up. Personal or interpersonal.

In case you're reading this, if ever comes the time I actually pick up the guts to even talk to you about us, and you're gonna tell me "nothing's wrong", please do come up with some good reasons, and they better be convincing. Because if that's what I'm gonna get, don't blame me if I ain't gonna talk to you, ever. Not even one damned word and I'm dead serious about it.

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Back to School 2.0
Sunday, April 18, 2010

Alrities, tomorrow's gonna be first day of year 2. It's been a year in poly already, and I've get to experience many many awesome things in just a year. No wonder why they say poly's one of the best times of life.

all the camps, re-entering the societal world, making and losing of friends, passion for sign language, increasing activeness in club stuff and other things, exams, creative projects, presentations, being able to be GL, lead a bunch of freshies, watch as they go thru what you did last year.

shucks man. it's been a great year indeed, and I can only hope for a better year ahead. I've grown much. The new insights, the new experiences, the new world I'm placed in. It's lovely. Looking back at the past seeing how much you've changed along the way, for the better of course =)


I'm gonna start school, and I dun really want it to start, not because I dun like school, but because I dun wan it to end. On a sad side, the days are numbered, on a happier side, it's more so we need to live life to the fullest.

To live as though everyday was our last, how ppl would take extra time out for their friends and ppl they love. hehe.

owells, gonna be home-alone with bro for the first week, not too fun way to start school with me having to do all the housework haha. May the future hold something more meaningful than what life already is now =)

I want a shepherd's heart.

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The Distant Past
Saturday, April 17, 2010

It's been a long time since you crossed my mind. Til today. I would say I'm over with the past, but certain comments prompted by a friend just suddenly made me rethink everything once again. 4 times I asked, he told me, all with no reply but just a smile.

Maybe I got used to it over the time, but truthfully, I didn't get a single word in reply. Not even a hi? I hope it was just me missing out your voice.

When I mouth your name, the feeling I get is one of distant memories. Something of the past. You're no longer part of my life, now. But I guess that's just the way it is. The way we make friends, the way we handle our friendships, and the way we maintain them.

But as for me, I'm ready to let it go. Or I already did. I don't see a point investing more time into it, a friendship I dun see any future in. Friendship should be something two way. I dunno, 1 year in, and I still find you the very same mysterious person. There isn't even a sense of familiarity.

Those were good and memorable times. But a friendship built upon joy and merry only cannot and will not last when the breeze comes. Neither do I enjoy building my castles only to watch them fall.

But this isn't your fault. I for one, am bad and doing all these friends thing. I'm not as funny, witty, or am able to come out with stuff to talk about. My outlooks in life, values, and principles, doubt they are interesting topics yea? Maybe I'm made to be a loner. A soloist. Sometimes, I can't trust in friends anymore. I too, am destined to walk down a very different path either way. Having friends is just a privilege to me.

Like chocolate filled donuts.

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Nico on Ice
Friday, April 16, 2010

Hehz, went ice skating for the first time in my life. Was supposed to be a Davy Jones outing but in the end they invited random HiClubbers along =D Had a good lunch together before the girls came. Talking about camp and all the other crazy stuff that happened.

And ice skating was... zzz... but cool still. No one told me to bring long socks so I had my giant ice skates with ankle socks. Niiice. Pain like shit man, but just tahan the pain hahaha, so fun. In the end I got 3 blisters, one on each ankle, another fat bubbly one on my toe. and 2 fat abrasions, I dun think I'll be wearing shoes for some time...

But yeaps, was pretty hard to grasp the techniques, some V shape movement but I'm still doing it wrongly. I CAN MOVE THOUGH =D and hecks, i keep almost falling nonstop. Oh and best, I have problems skating with 2 feets side by side each other, like gliding without moving the feet, but but but I can do it with one feet behind the other LOL.



Then comes dinner. Another epic moment. After having to dash thru 100 metres under the heavy rain because kallang bus interchange doesnt have any clue the purpose of shelters at bus stops, we decided to crash JustAcia to eat. And woots, with the free flow ice cream and drinks as well.

And theeeen, we started the "aunty" episodes on all the cheap deals and ways to be economical. I mean heh, I didn't know that was so hilarious. hahaha we had a good time camwhoring, laughing, videoing [me...], planning Aunty Pillai episodes... wut sia

owellsss pics time =D









Guess how many fallen soulz are there. 2? haha count the number of legs xD




Scandalous worx


5 scoops of ice cream for me






Peeesaaai~




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HMS FOC 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hi ho peeeeeps! [POST UNDER CONSTRUCTION TIL PICS COMES IN]

RAWR I MISS MY DEAR ASKOS SO MUCH =( I LOVE YOU ALL ^^

Wow, HMS FOC was a blast! I just love HMS and all the people in them, the seniors, the juniors, the hms spirit, and all the new friends! Woots, love seeing all the freshies of 2010, all the good-looking guys and gorgeous girls, all the awesome GL's, the cheers, the endless walks round campus, baaa, the list will go on forever.

I think I did make quite a impact on the freshies. They say I er... hyper...? ADD (attention deficit disorder O.O), talking as though there's a question mark behind every sentence, and plain retarded looking xD With all my moments of random highness, dancing and jumping about doing erm, weird stuffs... but yea haaaahaz, I hope all ya freshies had fun with my wackiness =D

Oh, and and and, heh, really feel so in love with my group. We may not be the loudest, fastest, noisiest, or craziest group, but I wanna let you all know, you all are still the best in my eyes. We certainly have come across many challenging moments but we pulled through every one of them. I'm proud of you all, the way we all worked together and overcome the circumstances. Not only in the fun and easy times but through the tough and the challenges as well.

Excited to meet the our campers on day 1 at 8.30 in the morning. Day 1 started out a little slow and dry as the campers took time to warm up. Quite similar to what my group experience during my first Hms FOC as well =P

And after the night walk/games, my heart bled for my dear Askos =( When we received the news on the change in performance and that we had to forsake our original plan and the now demoralized and disappointed looks on your faces. I saw how much effort you all have put into it, the way things were beginning to liven up.

Day 2

We had our amazing race and yups, was really encouraged to see the group begin to open up and mix around. The jokes and games we played.

And for campfire performance, I'm really proud of my group. Despite all the changes they have to keep adapting to, the impromtu moves and nervousness, even despite having to make a backup-plan at the very last minute, you guys were awesome! HAHA, I remember how my FOC group ran in circles and did all kinds of weird things hahaha =P But of course, the most important thing is to have fun yea =D

And my oh my, yet again, the last night have the camp we had together is something I'll never forget, all the laughters we had, the fun, the jokes, the pictures. I know we really had a great time together and I hope it wont be our last.

And ahh, I feel so empty with a void in my heart that cant be filled. So sorry to all my campers whom I had to leave without saying goodbye cause I had to run off to do something =( I wished there could have been some moments where we all could have our final camp chat =]

And yeaps, these words fail to fully express my gratitude and love for ya all, but I know that in your hearts, you all will be able to feel it ^^

All the best to the new semester



PYXIS ASKOS


PYXIS GLs (some missing)


Pyxis forming the "S"


Nat throwing shoes at me while posing


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Taking the initiative
Monday, April 12, 2010

Recently, I had my closest call with an accident. Sitting in a friend's car and waiting to turn out to the 3rd lane from the left, (the road is 4 lanes long) And he was waiting for a moment that he could zip through the three lanes of traffic.

A brief moment where not much cars were on the road, a grey car on the first lane, and a bus on the second. So he zoomed. But as we were passing the bus while turning, I kept my head turned back to watch the traffic and right as we were passed the bus, I saw another car on the third lane, hidden behind the bus.

Our continue to speed as we turn the car in line with the 3rd lane and suddenly a honking from the back came and as I watched, I saw the car from the third lane swerved to the fourth while braking.


We just closely missed an accident, thankfully so. But, I was troubled after that. Something kept bugging me, I saw the third car, but I didn't say anything. I assumed my friend knew about it. But he didnt.

That incident bugged me for the rest of the day.

The times where I see wrong in people's life, do I keep quiet and assume they know it, or take the initiative and approach the matter. Because, nothing may happen, as with my close call, but just as well, accidents too may happen. We could have crashed into the third car, and with another terrifying thought, there's a bus right behind us. Lives are at stake.

So similarly in life, when we see our friends go wrong, take the wrong path, we got to take the initiative, and raise the issue. Don't just assume everything will be ok. It would be a disaster to see someone make an irreversible mistake, all because... we kept quiet.

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Breakthroughs and Transformation
Sunday, April 11, 2010

Jus a final chat with my mom the transformation my brother has been going through as well. It's mind blowing. The transformation I'm going thru isnt just the only thing happening in my life. My mom, my brother, everyone of us is getting a special touch from God. Reconciliation, revelation, revival. This is God at His epic power working.

My heart trembles and the things that are yet to come, it brings me to my knees. Oh God, thy power is high and mighty.

Breakthroughs and transformation. Lives will be touched, hearts restored, voids filled, darkness unveiled. Something big is gonna happen soon...


Off to camp anyway =) 4 days. baibai

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A small seed, A little yeast
Friday, April 9, 2010

Compromise, a slow subtle but lethal poison.

Was eating dinner with my friends today, and when the bill came, and we split the cost, I found out something was missing on the bill. A little $1.30 more. I took a quick glance around and saw the eyes of my friends, keeping in their laughter, happy with their gain. But I did it. I pointed out the missing $1.30, anticipating the response from my friends, pointing out my stupidity.

But say, it's just a small sum yea, but it's an issue of honesty. My friend said to me, "You know, sometimes, you don't have to be so honest". But it's equivalent to saying, "sometimes, it's ok to overlook sin" or "it's ok to sin sometimes". A little compromise leads us to deeper sin. It tarnishes our conscience and after awhile, doing it doesn't prick our conscience anymore.

Sometimes, or usually, we tend to overlook the small things as unnecessary to do right. A small act of honouring one's parents, words of appreciation and affirmation, and other small acts of violation to God's principles. but as according to God, small sin, big sin, still sin. As much as we're indefinite sinners, we still gotta make our lives as much as we can, a God-honouring life.

Godliness is both a dependence on God's strength and grace, as well as our own responsibility and activity to be a part of. Make a choice, make life right.



And hahaha, thanks for so many the concern folks, for all your reply to my previous post about me being a fren. What I mean by me lacking a companionship, is trying to find someone of similar depth in thoughts.

Because as many a times I stated I'm a deep thinker, but I gotta say, that many of my deep thoughts surpasses the depth of common deep thinkers themselves. I call myself a deep thinker not because I think a lot, but because I think in depth greatly. And with this comes a lot of great insights many people do not see, or understand when I talk of them. (sure some of you might shoot me with a issue of subjectivity of my "wisdom")

And thus, I'm searching for someone, a friendship which I can experience mutual support and growth. Someone which can bring me to greater heights. Not that I look down on any other relationship. Through every bond and friendship regardless of maturity status, I learn the struggles of ppl, I learn how to communicate, I learn to reaffirm and to express my thoughts, I learn things i might have missed out, I learn things I may hav seen wrongly.

And all these insights, I attribute them back to God. He has been my personal tutor and given me great insights, much that the world has missed out on, and I thank Him. It is not by my intellect (as I used to think so) but God that gives me all these 'wisdom' ^^ to God be the glory.

And oh, I need a mentor... =P

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A Step Out of Line

Haven't wrote anything for quite awhile cos Ima super busy this week, everyday also got things hahaha, never been so busy before =P

Anyway, I decided to write abt my thoughts than the experiences of the super eventful week wahahaha.

Now the biggest thing weighing on my mind is yet again the choice between cell and being an instructor in HiClub.

I've always deeply desired to be teaching sign language to my fellow peeps and with all the other stuff that comes with it, in terms of social dynamics and all the chim stuff some of ya probably won't think about, but yea, that's me.

But cell's on thurs at my place, and so is the chance for me to teach. I battled this decision one sem ago, and now it's back to test me again. I've asked around, and all the signs seems to give me the green light to it.

But I greatly fear one thing, and I'm thankful for it, that I'm so afraid, I'll step out of God's plan for me. I'm delighted over the fact that I actually do consider Him more in my decisions now, rather than just head knowledge of doing what's right or wrong, but with a heartfelt felt and reverence for Him.

This decision, I fear, might be made out of my desires of my flesh. And everyone's telling me I should do it, cos it's something I really really like/want. But that's the whole point, the more I desire of it, the greater the potential danger of doing my own will instead of God's.

It's a hard choice though, I can't say I can fully give up to chance of being an instructor for hosting the cell even with God taken out of the picture. I just want so much of it, the success, achievement, social inclusion, friends, knowledge, pride, family, and all these that just cannot define my wants.

But but but but, looook, all of these things, does any of these things glorify God? or do they only exalt myself? The latter, my heart tells me. This is why I fear. I may still be able to do a good job teaching, and maybe in the process do something godly through it, but as for now, even with the answer right before my face, I keep justify, that maybe God will use it for something good? Maybe when I become an instructor I'll still be God-honouring?

Even as I type this now, my heart trembles at the deceitfulness of itself. Should I withdraw my name from the instructorship?





And here, I'm gonna write something about me some of you haven't seen in a long time, and others for the first. But it's gonna be totally honest from my heart.

Self-esteem.

Being struggling with this for quite some time now. It's not fully the feeling of being not worth but yea, I just feel so inferior to the people around me.

To those who know me a tinge better,
I know I'm not the best friend one can have. I may not be as funny as those around, being able to make you laugh every few sentences or having the wit to make a joke outta the simplest things ever. I may not be the most friendly person, one who's able to kick up a conversation anytime anywhere, be able to make you feel at home, or just someone you'll feel ok with. I may not be the most emotional person, to be able to feel your needs, catch your hints, or even think about the right thing to do. I may not be the coolest person either, with amazing feats or esoteric skills for you to be in awe. I may not be one with courage, hesitating to take the initiative, to do what is required to be done. I may not be the smartest, lacking the tact to handle things or speaking the right words.

I'm none of all these. Rather, I'm introverted, fearful, shy, childish, annoying, lame, and all the other stuff you might have labeled me as.

But of course, I don't feel unworthy. Haha, I pride my value in my deeper intrinsic values, morals, beliefs, and my thoughts. The way my life is, the internal side of it, hardly anyone has seen, or understood, but I believe, is one of worth. I don't need to explain this, because it's only those who sees it can understand it, which most don't HAHA.

I think society doesnt have the time to think until so deep, to find all the intrinsic stuff, and thus rely on the extrinsic; beauty, wealth, fame, status. Or if they do, no one's talking about it. Or maybe, I really am thinking down a really different different path that not many take. Sure, I think I can hang out on my own, I've quite lived my life a loner much anyway. But it's just so those times which I yearn for companions, companions would look pass the extrinsic flaws and maybe understand and appreciate me for my intrinsics. Oh wells. ._.

It's sometimes through this that I feel unimportant. I always always wonder, if I were to disappear from life this moment, how many lives will be impacted or affected. It's not that I want to be indispensable, but I kinda wanna know how much of others' lives I've played a part in. I quite aspire a life, to be able to blessed others, to help them and stuff, but sometimes my emotions overrule me.

owells, haha, I wanna meet friends of similar intrinsic making as me. I haven't had a companion for quite some time now... =l

Ciaos

And wheeee~ I like this pic =P


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Kites of Friendships
Sunday, April 4, 2010

Shall reblog a conversation I had with a friend, with permission of cos =) And yea, merely just edited and rearranged certain parts as well as touch up on all my typos. Original meaning left as it is =)


“Friend” says:
*but it's dumb cause she still trust easily and get hurt at the same big time
*when she tot A is her gd fren
*A walks away
*but its ok
*family matters more
*then it jus so happen
*her uncle decides to walk away too
*yea right
*tts life
*but it's still ok
*she has herself
*she has her other family members
*and her other so-called friends who might all leave
*she will be strong; why shld she cry and die cause of idiots
*life is more meaningful than that

Nico says:
*hmm, because then it will turn you into a heartless loveless zombie
*=P
*baa
*ppl leave all the time man
*take it as a journey

“Friend” says:
*ya so when r u gg leave

Nico says:
*sometimes ppl walk into you life
*times they hav to leave
*sometimes you walk into ppl's life
*times you have to leave
*Life is all about seasons
*change is inevitable

“Friend” says:
*its jus plain stupid tt i am trying hard to be in ppl life and yet they leave
*so wad the freak sia; why shld i be the one tt -.-

Nico says:
*are you holding on too hard?

“Friend” says:
*so if u r leaving one fine day
*pls tell me in advance
*and not let me discover
*tt why there's the essay on KITES

Nico says:
*I tell you, I will one day.
*but parting of ways doesn't always have to be on bad notes

“Friend” says:
*yea actually u alrd told me right from the start
*lol

Nico says:
*that's becos i see you have kite issues Haha

Nico says:
*So i jus wanted to let you know
*that I believe in seasons
*and that you shudn't hold on like siao to some kites
*that way, you'll nv be able to let them fly
*nor will you be able to appreciate the beauty of it's flight in the high high skies
*there are times you hav to let go
*there are times you have to pull back
*there are times, the strings get broken and the kite flies away
*there are times, you get new kites
*some of the tough things in life can be about letting go
*but without letting go
*you also cant receive
*you cant get anything with a clenched fist

“Friend” says:
*i know but letting it go is never easy
*like my good fren.. it took me 1 yr
*though we r still fren but we r not tt close anymore
*it took me 1 yr
*and my uncle i told myself to let go
*nth could b done alrd
*it's fixed
*1 yr plus
*i still feel =.=
*i tink i might jus die if ppl in my family die... cause beyond 2 yrs of sadness means i have to go see doc liao

Nico says:
*heh, frenz, same same, all come and go de. you see i last time also so dam close, I had a wonderful clique, now also I'm on my own wut
*and besides
*you feeling sad also good sign
*to show that you still loving them wut
*but loving them doesn't mean you hold on to them forever
*sitting around and wishing they'll be around is pointless
*they are jus empty fantasies

Nico says:
*you gotta firm yourself up
*say goodbai
*and jus hold on to wat's good left of those memories
*and nv look back
*be thankful for the present
*be thankful you had all those wonderful times
*be thankful you even get the experience those times
*however short, however long.
*it's still a privilege
*focus on what you have and not what you dun hav
*lol same here for me wut
*i jus lost my phone.
*the next day
*i lost my friggin post in Hiclub which represents my whole friggin passion and blood in yr 2
*i emo-ed for 3 days
*and now i'm sick of jus being moping around in fantasies and "if-only"s
*yea, things wud be good if they were that way
*but face it
*they wont be
*it's up to us to make the best of what we have
*careless waste of time fantasizing of the possibilities only lead to further disregard and waste to what you still have

“Friend” says:
*but i am proud to say that "i have grown"
*though i am still holding on tight
*but then
*for this fren of mine whom i'm suspecting the drift
*I let it drift
*though i still -.- for abt 2-3 days

Nico says:
*haha
*say, certain times, things aren't meant to drift la
*like sometimes with frens
*someone has to unfairly keep up the relationship
*jus as how you every now and then come kajiao me ;)
*it's an effort yea
*but muz see la
*is it worth keeping
*sometimes certain frenships really aren't meant for keeping
*but yalor
*hav to discern and see which aare the ones you need/want/have to keep =)

“Friend” says:
*ya lor i must be blind to wan to keep urs

Nico says:
*HAHAA
*wat to do
*you love me too much
*HAHAHA

“Friend” says:
*u wan me to stab myself

Nico says:
*I dun mind
*do you wan to?
*HAHAHA


anyways, so yea, I think relationships are part and parcel of life. So is the coming and going of them. There is no such thing as forever, because our lives are specially unique and we all have to take our own individual paths. The common longest side by side path I would say, would be marriage, where a couple stays by each other for a period in life, but in the end, one has to part first.

All the stuff about friendship being forever is a half-truth in my opinion. True friendship I feel, is about an intricate bond, that remains. Two may not have to be together forever, but it is the kind where after 10 years, if they so happen to meet by chance, that there is just this something that stays on and have never change. But yea, it is not all of us that possess such friendships. Just as how life is like a path, with ppl movin in and out, as well as us crossing other ppl's path.

If we were to judge about ppl leaving us as friends, what about the friends we have left, friends we have taken for granted, friends/people we treated like they never existed. You never know, you might have been their best buddy in their world, but you simply walk off from their life because you thought they weren't compatible or there wasnt any click.

I just wana state that this doesnt meant we take a friendship lightly, but more so of, that in friendships, we give our 100% into one, but expect nothing in return. We give the best of we can to make the best out of someone's life for the time we are together. I don't think this is pessimism that I'm talking about. It's realism. Face it, people have to go one fine day. There is almost no forever in this world. Everything perishes, both the tangible and intangible.

As I mention, certain relationships are meant to pulled back, some meant to let go, and others, to simply let nature take it's course. If we took every relationship lightly, then we probably will let go of the ones important to us. If we took every relationship over-seriously, then while ppl have moved on, we're still here dwelling in the mud over our loss. And for those that simply unfold into a somewhat magical beautiful friendship that is there yet not there, those serve their purposes too.

And yea, just to clarify, walking away doesnt mean you walk away from your friends, but jus walk away from those "sweet unforgetable" memories and just continue down life's path. You and your friend might patch things up, maybe split, maybe linger on in some limbo state of interaction but hey, there's no need to dwell in the past and wallow in memories. Either you fight to strengthen the relationship, or just that the two paths aren't meant to cross for this season. But hey hey, just put in your best in every friendship, and don't expect for anything. As much as you wan to have good friends, first you must be a good friend yourself.

I'm sure many don't see friendship the way I do, but I guess it's just all our own views hm?

and yea,
Don't cry because it's gone; Rejoice because it happened.

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Less Than We Deserve

Righty yups, today's Easter sunday,and I didn't know my church was closed haha. They moved it to yesterday's service. Went to church to have my quiet time there and woah, it's closed. Thank God my mom sent me, so we drove off to Changi Beach for lunch, and had another heart to heart chat while strolling across the beach.

It's been since horribly long since, eons, moons, ages, years ago that we ever did talk like this. My mom never knew me, and surely neither did I. My deepest darkest secrets would be kept to myself, or maybe confided with good good frens. But yea, it was ever since that revelation from God, where I felt so inspired to share with my mom my breakthrough, and from there, I believe God has greatly mended our relationship.

From a past of hurts, to a life of hatred and detest, leading to forgiveness but with isolation, and now to restoration. I know this is not where it ends, and more will be there to come. I discovered out my mom was full of wisdom as well, from her many experiences, contrary to my pride in thinking I was smarter than her =x

Anyways, been pretty restless these few days. Having this pursuit for something more in life, some form of ways I can seek God more besides just reading the Bible and meditating. I kinda want something way more substantial, maybe inspirational, mind blowing, but I think maybe I first have to clear up the clutter in my mind.

Being through a lot recently, and learnt a great deal. A great great deal I would say. And with each passing day, yet is there not a moment miss where He teaches me something new, and with greater intensity so much so that I am beginning to tremble.

Been reading up on Job since I too, have been bombarded with the things I love taken away from me. The common story of Job would be that God tested him, and Job prove worthy of God's faith and that Job didn't curse God but continued to praise Him. Honourable a something to imitate but I think certainly one great part of the whole story missed is that Job, emo-ed big time. So much I think the book of Job should be called Lamentations instead.

But yea, he certainly didnt curse God or such, but more of emo-ed from a humanly point of view. Which yea, comes something I learn again. I think it's ok to be sad or angry, even godly characters experiences these kind of emotions. I too emo-ed for a few days (thankfully only a few) when faced with my circumstances. Besides, I think God wont be so bad so as to disallow us to feel angry or sad, but more of how we channel those emotions.

Yeap, and me too in the end, this time, got sick of feeling the melancholy with God's absence due to me avoiding Him, got back on my feet, and yea, I'm back in action. It's not just about head knowledge thinking all will be well when in the heart, we'll all still sadded and stuffs.

Anyways, here's a verse that I find so beautiful,
Job 11:6b (NKJV)
Know therefore that God exacts from you
Less than your iniquity deserves.

Yea, He's just so merciful, that He pardons us even for the things we do wrong sometimes. Times when we were young and wished and hoped hard, our parents or people would give us a second chance when we did something wrong. You know? that kind of yearning for mercy and just wishing we didn't have to face the bad consequences. Yea, sometimes, God's mercy is just like this too. He loves us too much that He even withhold His judgment upon our lives, Israel, and the many other cities full of sins that if you were God, you wouldn't wait to whoop their asses. But then, we aren't God, are we? That's where the difference comes in.

A forgiving and merciful God of second chances. Ha, who can fathom the greatness of our Lord~

Oh God, you never cease to amaze me daily =]


Here's a few random inspired quotes.

To give is a duty; To receive is a privilege.

Don't cry because it's over; Rejoice because it happened.

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Good Friday
Saturday, April 3, 2010

Today was Good Friday/Easter service. Love watching the skit, remembering my first time with it when in Thailand on a mission trip. Really meaningful drama and beautiful song to accompany it as well.

Had to leave just before the altar call cos I had to go for a family dinner. And I stayed on as long as i could, because I still wanna watch everything, but still had to leave before the most anticipated part of the service. Had to go cos my mom said we would be rushed if I ended late.

Much to my displeasure, I had a slight rant at my mom about causing me to miss the segment which I really want to observe and be a part of. Watching the new believers and backslided peeps coming back to Him. Dishonourable conduct aside, I think there's something we can all learn ba.

First would be that we as humans, do not, and should not, give God a timing. By this I mean it isn't our right to plan our schedules and then fit God in wheresoever we feel we want Him to be. Such a principle should apply to life, and the very least so, anything to do with God; like services, prayer meetings and stuff. If it has reached the designated time for the service to end, but yet spirit of God is still moving, then let it be. Suggest to those who want to leave first to do so, but don't take control of the movement and power. God should never ever be confined by time, or more so, our time, for He is an infinite God with a perfect plan. And it is so that in His time, all things are made perfect.

The underside of a tapestry cloth appears ugly and messy while the tailor is sewing it, but when the last strand is threaded, he flips the cloth and tadaa, it's a wonderful masterpiece. A work of fine art and beauty. But it is during the process, that we cannot understand what the creator is working at, but that doesn't mean nothing right is going on, but that he is at work at his already thought our plan on how to do things. So yea, we too need to let God do His work freely, and by freely, it means without restrictions.

Second point. It struck me when my mom apologize about indirectly causing me to miss the altar call and that she thought it was nothing much extra ordinary and ok to miss. I state this as an example and not as a judgment. This is an example of how we Christian take God's for granted sometimes. All the other blessings He provide for us, is it simply something we brush off off? Here we are talking about saved souls, that the lost come to the light and to know their Saviour. It is not soemthing to be treated lightly, just as God the Shepherd rejoices greatly over one lost sheep, so does all heavens rejoice triumphantly over a lost soul found, and we too are to take pride in that as well.

Third, it is important not to forget that we were once lost too, and not that we, now in the light, rejoice and forget about the rest. It is also yet our duty to bring the rest of our friends, families and the lost together to be able to share this joy with us. Our faith may be four our owning, but yet it is also for sharing, not for keeping. We have to take charge the responsibility of the lives of others as much as our owns.

Yups, random thoughts on a Good Friday evening.
Ciaos.

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As Morning Dawns
Friday, April 2, 2010

I'm outta my emoish days and back up and me feet. ^^

Yea, quite an amazing recovery after just 2-3 days of melancholy. Normally I take way longer but heh, I woke up this morning feeling sick of being numb and melancholic and with just a strange bugging in my heart about God. A bugging feeling there not about why all this is happening to me, but how I've strayed and kept myself away from Him.

Strange indeed. I don't remember ever feeling this way towards God and yea. Made a decision, and decided to move on once again. So yups, am over my numb zombish mode le =)

Yups, so I had a really fun time on thursday. Back after camp and feeling all sadded over my situation. Canceled my outings with friends and sat at home the whole day playing games. Went over to Jolynn's place, I don't know why I did though ahaha but yea, am glad I did.

Waited for her cellmates to come as the rest of us ate chips, cooked pasta, played monopoly, watch tv. Yea, simple but somewhat really lovely day, and kinda what I needed. Just a timeout from everything with friends and people around. And yea, the company was great too. I became 小红, laughed, monopolized and entire side of the board for monopoly, played with chocolates.

Yea, thanks. Am super tired now. Thinking about some testimony stuff and whether I should do it or not. I can't even write a post properly haha.

And thanks to all those for your concern =) I'm good now ^^


Jus some pics to brighten this blog up.



~HMS FOC 2010 Pyxis~


~Sentosa outing with class~


Me with puny-slit eyes.