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To lead, is to serve
Wednesday, December 21, 2011



18/12/11

Back from leadership camp. Dang, it's really been a blast. Getting a chance to be involved with the old comm to do something, and being able to lead in Hiclub again haha. Main objective this time was to empower the juniors with leadership skills.

Overall, the camp went pretty well, could see that the juniors took back a lot from it. Brought in a very different touch to camp this time, with a in-your-face lesson for leadership. It's kinda nice seeing how everything had a purpose behind it. The lessons, games, and even exercise. Quite encouraged hearing the positive feedback from the juniors.

This time was quite different for me though; lost my form. Wasn't the usual frontline upbeat ra-ra guy that lifts the moods up, rather more like a fool bumbling on his words. Felt like I engaged the campers poorly, and then as much as I wanted to, I didn't get any chance to sit down and interact with them as there was too much work needed to be done.

Maybe it's a lesson of humility. Kinda felt quite low during camp, not receiving the usual 'recognition' I got. Honestly, I didn't want to look bad in front of the juniors either. But then my satisfaction shouldn't be based on that; wrong motives. Thank God I had timothy and disheng to help take the fort for the learning experience of the camp.

Though haha, through it all, I do feel proud at least, for the back scene I've done. The leadership components was a last minute injection, after hearing all the problems Hiclub faced. Particularly a few people inspired me to clarify on the misconceptions and styles of leadership, especially for those unrecognized or unconfident. Hope that through it all, both generations of juniors can find some security in who they are and learn to lead from their heart.

Watching the camp reminded me of us 2 years ago. When everyone was still young and innocent.


Our 2009 leadership camp song, I love how it still fills our hearts with those lovely memories whenever we hear it. I love the sparks in our eyes, I love the beautiful natural smile that lights up on our faces. And mostly, I love the way we look at each other, almost telepathically knowing what's on each other's mind and how the perfect camp experience will always stay in our memory.

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Gotta Go Big Time
Sunday, November 27, 2011

I wanna dedicate this post in memory of the crazy feat we managed today. For a day makred by so many wonderful memories. Pulled off an emergency performance in under a week - 3 days of practice - barely 10 hours of formal practice. Not sure, I'm just so glad we managed it, and did fairly well on stage.

Started off quite worrying and stressful. Got pretty mad and upset a few times, so much so that I actually raised my voice in hiclub for the first time just to get things down seriously, though it got soft after that. The group was mostly girls so I cant really bear to go down too harshly on the practices. Took a lot of risks with the groups too, only learning the formation on the day of the performance. And I'll admit, there were some particular difficult ones to handle. heh

And then for the plentiful of memories. I love watching the smile on the teams' faces each time we executed our steps and signing perfectly. and definitely to be able to pull this off in a record breaker of 3 days. Running in the rain just to support the other team. Hearing a whole bunch of people screaming when I went solo >< Watching a new generation raising the bar of song signing. Being thanked, and spending time with all of Hiclub.

Through the joy and times of stress, I've learnt 2 things.

1. leadership

Circumstances really pushed me hard this time. I do see the potential in this group, yet there's a glass barrier blocking their progress. The things that needed to be done reminded me of a leader's sacrifice. Juggled my fyp, perf formation, and practices, forgoing a heck lot of sleep, skipping dinner to make time for the team, overslept when i instructed everyone to come punctually (which they did...). It's a cost, but every leader has the responsibility of the group and the people assigned to him or her. The members burdens must be the leader's burdens, something I hope I can better learn to care more for my members.

2. Pushing boundaries.

It suddenly dawned upon me. I've been pushing some major boundaries in the context of song signing. I've made a performance that everyone never stops moving (Waka waka), one that's pretty badass synchronization (change a heart change the world), gesturish performance (to the sky), shortest time for internal perf, 1 nite (dj got us falling in love), shortest external perf-3days (Big time rush), formal concert (grandioso), and maybe more that I dont remember. I mean really, of course the credit is not all mine. It'll never be possible without my friends' support, partners empowerment and member's cooperation. But I'm just glad I be have managed and be part of these feats, and pushing these boundaries outwards. Keep succeeding yourself, find every little way to improve and refine, and of course to challenge limits. Never settle for anything less than better.

I'm glad I got this chance to lead the team again in performing. I do have my ego in terms of being recognized and appreciated, but I'm happy that for one, this time I really felt happy to see my members perform and grow. I think that's really all that matters.

I thank everyone for their encouragement and support through this week, reminding me of our pass success, hearing me rant, and coming down to be there. I hope it'll be a good experience and meaningful memory for everyone to look back on next time and then you all will continue to grow and progress from here on. Ah, I also hope that all of you will aspire to guide and watch over the next generation as you take the roles of seniors.

And yea, dont forget the chorus yea =)
Go on shake it up what you gotta lose
Go make luck with life you choose
If want all, lay on line
Only life you got, so go live big time

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Day -1 to Intern
Friday, October 7, 2011

The mood's kinda settling in. It's my final day of the holidays and I'll be starting intern next week. Filled with a lot of nervousness as well as worry as to what the new phase of life would entail. Kinda mellow atmosphere, decided to make use of the day meaningfully. Tidied the house, read a bit, went out to grab lunch, write a few nice things, before left missing the company of everyone in Zero Hour Camp.

Quite nervous in having to take on a professional role, but opposite to the typical carefree and unrestrained nature I often have. The responsibility is also greater, it's no longer just daily interaction with friends, but a service provided towards an organization and its clients.

At the same time, really afraid of losing the bonds made through the Hi Club family. Internships' gonna take up a lot of me time, including the precious Saturdays. By the time I'm home I'll probably be worn out. Knowing my style of not communicating much through msn, there's gonna be little chance of me visiting Hiclub often. With the new friendships made with the year one's all the more I wouldn't want to leave it. It's like this family feel once again that we briefly lost and now I gotta go. Just gonna hope everything falls into place, maybe I'll still get a chance to visit it.

I'll miss Hi club and all the people in it. I'll miss that one big family.

Now the purpose of the commandment is love from a pure heart, from a good conscience, and from sincere faith
1 Tim 1:6

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Zero Hour
Thursday, October 6, 2011

And they say, "save the best for last"

This camp has been a blast, everything falling into place so perfectly. The best partner, the best group, the best comm. I don't know what else I could ask for aside for the hope that this family feeling and attitude will continue one in Hi club and its generation to come.

As for myself, I've learnt much too.

Reliance.

Partnership has always been a major issue for me. I dread the moments I have to work with a partner such as performance, and other task. I have my own perspectives and depth at the way I do things, and I understandably know the difficulty and frustration I often give my partners due to the way I work. I much enjoyed the moment during Famine Camp when I was the sole facilitator of the group, without the need to worry whether I'm over dominating my partner, or that I'm being insensitive to their needs.

It's quite the same for this camp. My past experience as a GL and the failure I was to my previous partners. However, my first encounter of working together with her somehow gave me a different feel from most of my previous partner, someone who was willing to stand on equal grounds with me.

There's so much I'm thankful to her for. JS if you're reading, this is for you =) I love the way how's you're always so bubbly with a smile, forever laughing and making everyone else laugh as well. For your buay hiao bai -ness and how you need to dig your ears or cut hair because you hear the wrong words half of the time. I really appreciate your straightforwardness, yet with a personal touch. The constant support you given somehow made me feel there was someone I could rely on, something I haven’t felt for a really really long time. Your reliability, depth and your ability taught me how to trust, to let go of the need of having to always be in control. And I love how I actually dare to let you do the things I'd rather do myself to get it well done, and seeing how you do it so perfectly in your own ways too. I'd loved hearing your ideas and thoughts whenever you expressed them, and I wished I sought your counsel more. You make people feel safe, and I able to find comfort behind you. The way you reach out to the campers, being there with and for them, especially for song signing. Seeing them improve under your watch and guidance, your heart in caring for the people around you has touched me. Sorry for the two nights I left you and the group waiting, and sorry for the times I did things without you. Thank you for your full support even when I make mistakes.

Jing Shan, thank you for being my partner and allowing me to experience so much. You make an awesomely good GL and you're the best GL partner I could ever ask for.

And really, to my most awesome group, I don’t know what else to say. From the very first day, how they stuck together, filled with enthusiasm. Looking out for one another with synchronized teamwork in all the activities. A heart that is ready to learn, both for sign language and values. Your determination and perseverance in keeping up with signing. It has been a great joy to watch you all grow and improve so tremendously. And of how you deserved every piece of the final puzzle.

And thank you all for the special effort to write those heartwarming notes. I'm really touched and kinda teared a bit. Thank you for all that appreciation, it really means a lot to me. I'm glad to have been a good GL to the group and being able to pass on my experiences and signings.

I'm happy to be able to share this tender first camp with every one of you, and I hope that you all will find more in the time to come. I'll be watching you all from wherever I am. And here's the Clover's song specially dedicated to Jing Shan firstly, and then to the awesome people of Clover.

cause without you here, I'm the loser of the year

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The melody of friendship
Monday, September 12, 2011

Today was a lovely day. Outing with HiClubbers to Sentosa and it really was a blast. Simply being able to let go of everything, statuses and differences and just chill out with a whole bunch of people. Pretty cool how everyone, except the strict no-no's got thrown, dragged, lugged, carried, tackled, bulldozed, into the sea one by one. It's like after screaming and resisting, once you're in the water, you'll eventually enjoy the water and then there's everyone in the water enjoying and swimming. The abrasions from the sand, the continuous laughter that fills the seashore.

I think if you could piece all the sounds made by friends together, it'll form this really lovely and beautiful melody. The joys of laughter, tears of pain, cheers of camaraderie, breaths of support, questions of concern, oh how they come together, in an unpredictable course of highs and lows yet perfectly orchestrated tune, with memories ringing in echoes. And I really love hearing that tune play over and over again.

Think personally, today had something special for me. Being asked some questions, being threatened (in a good way), haha, somehow touched me. Made me felt cared for, without me having to do something to earn it. Dont know. Haven't really felt this way for a long time, being vulnerable and thus listening and following what others say. I wish I could feel like that again haha. Somehow made me want to look out for them too, but perhaps it wouldn't last long either. Either way, wish I could thank those few people for allowing me to relive those feelings, but I'll probably be gutless to xD

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More than a club; I somehow find, you and I collide
Sunday, August 7, 2011

It the closing to another semester and another season. It felt different from what it used to be in the past, but then again there was still another special touch to it. The bonds that grew through the difficult times.

Preparing for this moment was awfully busy, having a clash of assignments and practices. Having to stay up through the final night to whip out a formation with joyo, pretty proud of what we come out with seriously =)

The loft stay was enjoyable, staying up through the nights either to chiong our studies or assignments. And with the frequent visits from the girls dropping by. Made the atmosphere a whole lot more communal. Love such moments where everyone can be together.

BBQ was pretty fun, seeing all the new faces. And a great deal of respect to Joyo for pulling this off, mostly with a lot of effort from himself. Kinda sad though I realized, that most of the seniors didnt belong anywhere, and we were just hanging around aimlessly. Similarly for me, i realized throughout the whole bbq, I had been running about, all over. Forgetting people, forgetting places. Should have just stayed in one place and relax.

Well, this marks the closure to another season. Friends, passion, experiences. I remembered during the night we left, sighing to myself of how everything was over.

This is family, may it live on for you.

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MHI
Saturday, May 14, 2011

Been pretty busy to write things here. Plenty of things go through my mind everyday I wish to pen but nothing gets out in the end.

Minor updates on life;

Doing a behavioural modificational programme from my module to help me cut down on computer time spend unneccesarily. Heh hope it fits.

MHI seems like a great place to volunteer/work/intern in. I suddenly feel so much inspiration to do more HI events.

I think I did well as an advisor. Really loved how they started talking well during our first meeting. Kinda failed while spying on them during class though. Looking forward to being a good advisor for them ^^

Yes! Opening committee comm performance. To start of, heh, i probably made a huge mistake, a responsibility I take on my part. but at least, the formation looked good. I got new inspirations seeing how hms D4F did the transitions and tried to incorporated the same. Sadly, things didnt really meet my expectations to surpass waka waka but well, everyone tried their best I guess. at least I've made another hallmark in my own journey of song signing!

The effect of being a year 3 is slowly settling in. Do feel senior-like and a new sense of responsibility towards the juniors and as well as a tiny build up of the fear of leaving this place which I've taken so much from. future is scary.

friendships wise it feels like I've been alone for awhile since. I hope I can find back my place of "home" somewhr somehow. Walking down this path brings a good cause but lonely moments. Realize that I'm not longer pursuing much of anyone.

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We're all in this together
Sunday, May 8, 2011

It's been tough weeks since we first embarked together. Projects after projects, hurdles after hurdles, each and everyone of us playing our part into building up as we know it; our family.

In this family, we all play different roles from where we are

Members are a great number that makes the life of this home. some come to receive, and leave once we're done. Some stay around longer, doing more in ways we wish to contribute. Each of us have our dreams and vision. Sometimes, we feel helpless to do anything, but if we stick together as one, each of us make something out of nothing when we come together. We gather at this place we know as home, a place where we can share our passion.

And to the seniors, the people who grew from this home. With experience in our hands, concern in our hearts, we face the struggle of keeping the balance between helping out and letting go. Facing doubts and fears of seeing new changes and challenges to comfort zones, and even having to deal with our pride of being more experience. On the plus side, its our honour and privilege to take care of our juniors, watching them grow, soaring to greater heights. And knowing when its the final moment to say goodbye, we can close the doors, always reminiscing while we ponder over our shelves decked with frames of precious memories.

And finally, the leaders, the people that deserve the most truly. They are the ones who fight for everything whether or not they have enough to complete all. Without much of a choice, these are the ones who runs all the backgrounds works, gets all the blame, makes costly sacrifices, and more often than not, gets forgotten and unaccredited for their sweat and blood. Indeed, they are not void of failures, and result in disappointments and dashed hopes, nonetheless, they keep their personal struggles, current issues and future goals, as they give their best.

Out of all these, we all want best. Best for our home, best for the people, and best for our futures. But all these are hindered by the conflicts we bear upon ourselves as we tie up in occasional selfishness and misunderstandings. Yet ultimately we all have the same heart. Learn to understand before we judge, listen before we speak, and think before we do.

We're all fighting for a better future; but let us remember, to win, we don't fight against each other, we fight together.

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Pursuit for Growth
Sunday, April 24, 2011

These few experiences has been a great learning journey for me. Looking back it's been quite a meaningful holidays. Everyday was well spent (except the last ._.) and I had something to take back from every project.

Grandioso, Camp Dreamworkz planning, Hi Club precamp, Hi club camp, HMS precamp, HMS FOW, and now up till Opening ceremony. There's so much I've grown along the way, areas I've development, opportunities explored, and potential tapped into. Sometimes, I regret not being able grow earlier, but its never too late heh.

I think one of the major components is leadership, the different placements of leadership, maybe I'll write on next time. Approaches to leadership, mentoring, guidance, managing groups, interpersonal skills, and analogical references for relating explanations.

All these is kinda making me quite hungry for newer experiences. This time I'm looking to develop my areas in leadership - to be able to hold the front and lead a group into something, to be able to stand up and be a light for a group, song signing - improving various aspects, expression, formation, as well as to refine song signing practice in keeping under strictly 3 sessions of no more than an accumulated amount of 6-7 hours and ready to go. Also wanna explore my individuality in terms of the way I do things, and my capacity for hype.

Really excited to learn more. signed up for Famine Camp as Facil, in Hi-O, Opening Ceremony, Intermediate instructors, much more avenues to learn from.

Feeling inspired to run another event for HI with all these I've learn. gonna push my leadership to higher limits. Lie gym, wanna carry more burdens and responsibility to train myself. Here we go, it's gonna be an exciting semester =D

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DreamWorkz 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Camp Dreamworkz '11

Second time joining camp comm, reprising a programmes/games team. But this time under a more pressurizing time of 1 month. Over the span from our very first progs meeting til the day we departed from the loft, the arduous journey has been laid out with tons of battles and learning experiences. It's been a great experience for all of us as camp comm, seniors and juniors, collaborators and friends, main comm and member. I feel proud and blessed to be able to fight and grow alongside so many of them in this event.

A quick round up of the camp, day 1 was pretty bad, with the mood going low, improving much more during day 2, and headed well at the third. We all didn't start well, but through the difficult times, we pulled through together.

To begin, I joined this camp comm to fight for it. I didn't want the same thing to happen again previously. With that, I took on him as my role model, doing what he would have done if in the same position, but of course not as good. I think I did well, meeting the objectives of why I came. It felt different though this time, as though I gave out a lot, yet felt strong enough to carry on. I remember trying my best to go out to different teams to support them, but could hardly do much since I was too busy doing up the progs. Nonetheless, I hoped I did manage to make a change somehow, and that no one had to suffer.

Overall, programs team was really quite a challenge. Our working styles was in all directions and I started off mostly pissed at everyone. But as much as even if I had the chance I was right, I wasn't doing enough to find fault with. But in the end learn to give in and work together.

There's much I learn during this camp. Leadership once again came in, pulling different strength and working together with them. At some point of time, I took up the role to lead groups and executions.

The team as well, was wonderful to work with, something memorable. We all had items that represent us. Abigail the Scotch Tape as she's a super good supporter in everything. Wen Yee the Pen as she's the one who makes everything hard on paper. The bridge between thoughts and execution. Timo poon's the rubber band. Brigning everybody together even after we drift apart. Timo Tan's the mystery box, surprising us with his creative antics. Me the Sharpener, criticising everything and digging out loopholes to improve things. Di sheng's the pencil box, with his skills to not only adapt but improve anything tasked on him. Together, with our different strenghts and skills, infused with our passion, it's the best team we could have.

Finally, quite meaningful to find a friend in her. It's nice to find someone almost closer than anyone else int erms of thoughts, if not possibly better. Hopefully things can work out, it'll be definitely lovely to work and talk with her about all these things. And too, I hope she can grow, into someone stronger, bigger, and a great leader with everything she's has. Thanks for letting me find yous, Abs., C. =)

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She returned for me
Sunday, April 3, 2011

Have been writing only the bad stuff recently so here's to balance up with the normal parts of my life.


Things must have seemed like a big drama but yea, I really did got to the point of making that decision. I've always wished that could happen since young. But yea, she came for me the next day. I was reluctant but I couldn't refuse. Each step besides her weakens my will, and at the fork, i knew I couldn't bear for us to part and I gave in. It's a good thing overall, but as much as I'm unwillingly grateful, it points out my weaknesses again, Too weak to do any great good, and just as weak to do any bad. But owells, since it isn't time for me to go, I'll just continue fighting then.


Being darn busy planning camp programmes. Going back to school everyday and returning after 11. Time passes so fast the only thing I can keep track off is the days left to our semi-unprepared camp. The worries and problems never seem to end, but it's been a great learning process and experience to work alongside with my team =) And certainly way better than idling and rotting away at home =)


The walk home felt different today, The wide tentage now filled with brightly lit stalls selling food, potted plants, accessories and many more It;s been a long time since there was a pasar malam in my neighbourhood. Brings back a lot of childhood memories. I remember how I loved to roam the night market. Everything was so exciting, especially the toys and those games stalls. I remember also buying my bolster from there! And it's still with me now, for more than 2/3 of my life already =P hehex


Finally, for all you friends, sorry I don't have the time and energy to keep up with you all. Being drained by little things here and there. I hope there's still a chance for us, or I'll just fight more battles then...


After all these, I just wanna take a break from everything. No worries, problems and effort. Wanna sit back and chill with my friends mutually. If only.

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Cover the World With Love
Saturday, March 26, 2011

Today's the big day. After countless hours of practice and grilling, we're up on the stage and signing before many. Despite the nervousness and uncontrolled trembling, our hands move with sync, and our hearts beat as one. I believe, everything everyone has put up on that stage, together with all the efforts have make everything bit of this possible. Thanks all.

Leading this event has helped me learnt a lot. The role of a leader is no easy feat. To have to put on a strong front, putting aside your own weaknesses and troubles and being a hope and guide to your team. A sacrifice that might leave you fighting alone, a pivot where all responsibilities falls on. Having to be one step ahead of your team yet be with them. Being not just a leader but a friend. Learning to accept all under you in a just and non-discriminatory manner. To be there for all no matter the difficulty and distance of all. To sacrifice your ownself, feelings, thoughts, comfort zone for the needs of the people. Truly, being leader is not as simple as it seems.

Definitely, my journey was riddled with failures and there's still so much I can improve on. Allowing my emotions to take the better of me, not planning before time. Being judgmental, non accepting, being too weak to lead. Even so, this time was more difficult for me as I had to stand alone, without any direct support. But nonetheless, I'm grateful for the support raised from the members of the group. The efforts and input, the initiative to find solutions, and how they stepped in when I fell down.

This whole event brings me great achievement and joy. Having the finest standard of song signing performance ever for any known history. Being crazily synchronized, even without a reflector for Nurul as she's a HI. Being able to pass on these fine and minute details of critical song signing aspects to them, and finally to be able to put on a good show.

This will indeed be one of my most memorable events ever in Hi club =)

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Take To The Sky
Saturday, March 19, 2011

So much has been happening this hol's

Heading HiClub's Grandioso-team, planning progs for camp and heading a second camp performance. Ever since camp planning started, the days have been packed consecutively.

Some random things~

cracked my laptop screen while leaning on it. Now there's a awesome black lightning bolt looking thing everybody thinks is cool but I dun have the time to repair it. Probably during camp. It's getting kinda annoying now though.

Practice for grandioso broke new grounds for synchronization. Tried with eyes closed, and without music. Haha, tedious but its a great achievement. I wish more Hi clubbers could be part of it though, I'd like to see the standard for song signing improve. Too bad my time is over.

camp planning been choppy, with problems here and there, and me being unhappy abt so many things til I've lost my heart. Argh. Gonna stop criticizing and give more constructive ideas. Pfft

Been spitting out random thoughts on twitter lately. I like.

Much has been going on in my head recently. Mostly thoughts about people, and thoughts about myself. Hopefully I'll grow through whatever experience happening now. I kinda wanna take a break from all these and just chill.

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Made in HiClub
Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The curtains closed, the music stops, the lights turn on.

Another sem of hiclub is over. It's another sem, with a new set of cherished memories.

Class 2A, Hear me out, experiences with the main comm, pushing song signing.

Class 2a first, really enjoyed my time teaching them, especially the later few weeks when I really let loose myself into my naturally lame self. HAHA. Kinda glad that the student got entertained and class was more fun for them, and at least they were more responsive to my previous class, they laugh together at my lameness.

The final time togther during the closing ceremony was my most memorable, never been so close to my class before, finally felt together with them. Though little in number but ti really warmed my heart to see them talking. Would love to teach them again. I'm looking forward to teaching intermediate next sem hahax.

Closing comm wise, I was part of entertainment team. Things were kinda late but I think we pulled off, a, seriously, imba, nice show. Together with the help of Jesca, Kenji, Glenda, Tim, & Joyo. Had a lot of fun =P and I think we did really great. Loved the roar of applause throughout the performance and the final ovation.

As for performances, heh, guess I've deproved... screwed up both my performances, its embarassing, but I also felt my standard dropped. Got sihui as my partner though :D Song choice was nice.

that would be to the closing ceremony per se but I guess my takeback would be the graduation of the seniors. Next it'll be our turn. I wonder what 3rd year is like. We wont have any seniors, we will be them. Not sure, but I dont really dare look into my residing fade off from hiclub, but well, will see as we go. Hi Club has been such a big part of my life, it feels weird thinking of letting go. Made some new friends as well, touched some, impacted few, learn from their perspectives, taught many.

I guess to me, hiclub was more than just a cca, it was my passion, my life, my family, my heart, my people, my home. Hope, the 3rd year wouldn't be a painful one.




























I love hi club, really =)

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Crossed The Line
Saturday, January 22, 2011

Hey, it's late so I'ma squeeze out a post.

Heh, recently one of my friends came up to apologize for saying something to hurt my feelings. Heh, appreciated her for being able to come up to me and say such thing. Secondly, while she explained herself, I realized how much I was quite self absorbed that day, so much so I neglected theirs, and especially her feelings ._. Kept pushing for what I wanted, that I failed to consider the lives of others. Pfft ._. selfish raawwr.

And it shames me so that I couldn't give my reply to her personally on that spot. But I'm sure she'll understand. Sorry, and my sincere apologies.


Second one.

It's annoying when people read a few posts off my blog and make judgments or misinterpret without knowing my writing style. Posts, with emo tags, are never meant to be taken literally, but unfortunately so did some ppl read so. I guess whatever it is, I bear the responsibility of the written posts.

Anyway. A chat got me reflecting on my past acts pertain to the main comm. I'll just put it straight. I feel utterly anguished over some wrongs I have done.

Two main points, one of me berating the comm, the second of me crossing the lines.

First one. Heh. I still have a major pride issue yea. To berate and shoot down the comm is placing myself above them, which I am in no position to, aside from pride. Besides, it brings a judgmental aspect as I truly don't know what's the internal matters, something that cant be discounted.

And me going to the point of saying them suck was pretty, I dunno, quite a bloody mean thing to express. Hais ._. Wherever went my nonjudgmental side of me. I'm at a lost of myself actually.

The second part of my crossing the line covers anything I done out of pride, impulse, dishonour, anger, impatience and along the line. I dont retract my actions for things which I felt was necessary but of course rarely so. But heh, for those moments out of heat when I find myself out of line, I immediately take a step back ._.

Actually, I don't what's up with this. I just feel really bad, reflecting upon my past, along with someone's feedback, that heh, I did my wrong. Anguished by it.

*emos a bit...*
Anyways, I dunno. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm anything to them. I'm not asking for credit or sorts, though I don't really have a place there. I know I'm a somewhat an extra but my heart yearns for that place. I'm not just in it for the power (to make a change), I'm there for the people.

You guys after all, were the people I "grew" up with. You all were my friends. And it hurt me a whole lot, to see all of you move on to another level while I'm left behind. A deep piercing pain. Some of you may defend by saying the bonds in the comm isnt even strong, but some of you don't even see what you all have, or are even putting to use.

Out of my own character and heart, I'm not one to sit around and wait for things to happen. I ended up creating this false sense of power in me, being my own identity, so that I could face you all on a psuedo-equal level, and to avoid the pain of that segregation. and probably out of that, my selfishness took over.

But hey, I'm not sure what I am in the comm's eyes. A bonus, a help? or... a threat? an issue? an extra? a burden? a clingy idiot who cant let go?

Hearing the latest feedback tore me inside once again. Not for anything the comm did to me. But just how much trouble I've given them, how much I selfishly imposed myself on them. I felt like I failed my own part to deserve anything from them. I... dunno. I guess, to hurt the people I love, makes me feel my worst ever.

I think, deep down, all I ever really wanted was to be part of you guys.

But my actions only made me contrary of that. Hais.

I really wished, that out of all my mistakes, I could still be with the comm, not in, with. But I think it's impossible. In whichever status there are at, I don't ever see myself being part of them. Maybe I'm being greedy, asking for something that I cant own.

I wished they'd know the pain I'm struggling with. But I dont think if anyone knows how much it is, or cares. Maybe to some, it's just a position. I only hope they can realize, it was meant to be a family.

Out of this anguish, of my pain and wrong done, I so desire an audience with the main comm. But its gonna be impossible. I really want to go up before them as a comm, to apologize for all the pride, damage and mistakes I've made. But but in emo and objectiveness, I don't think I mean anything enough to some, that my offered restitution would be worth, or do anything.

You know I secretly wish, all you main comms would know all these I have to say. Especially for those who chanced on those flawed emo posts of the main comm, that this too, of my once heartfelt words, would reach your eyes. But owells.

Once again, it's a question of value.

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Ten Plus One
Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Heh, with the recent events, old wounds have been dug up again. Main comm. Been asked numerous times about why I'm not in the leadership camp or in AGM. Maybe what makes it more painful is that they expected me to be there? =/ I often answer them with a forced smile, "oh that cause it's intended for you juniors." Whereas, some where deep down, my answer was "that's because I'm not in the main comm."

Think it's both a good and bad thing that some people see me almost equivalent to the main comm. It lightens me to know that people see me in high regard, yet at the same time, pains me whenever I feel that it's only a image. I'm just another member. Maybe a way more enthu one. Yet in the best of my heart I can manage, I make everything I do for Hiclub as best I can, though frustrated with my limited power.

I secretly watched the main comm as they had their meeting yesterday. Inside me, I felt a sense of happiness. Finally, be it only my delusions, I felt a slight inkling of connection with them, even if it meant watching from the shadows. Always felt as though I was a separate entity from them.

We all had the heart for Hiclub. Yet through the links of status, a separate community was inevitably formed, out of my inclusion. The family I grew up with, now together, yet I cant be at the same level with the rest of them. All I can is fight off the constant thought of how we, are the same, yet not the same. Same batch, same friends, same experience. Different places.

Hiding for more than 4 hours, I had plenty of time for imaginations, as I often do. It led me throught the thoughts of "what if's...?" What if, I was in the main comm, discussing all the matters with them, planning important events, charting out the future for Hi Club.

Snapped back to reality as I watch them laughed together. The thing is, I wasn't any main comm, neither did the slightest inch of possibility ever existed for it to restore. In the end, I was only an outsider, shamelessly hiding in the dark, watching, living in a mix of dashed dreams and self pity.

I wonder back to myself, how things could be different if I was in the comm. But then, I can't just see the supposed good I think I can, and neglect what someone else could have done with the same position as well.

I have various unresolved thoughts concerning me and the main comm. Why was I not chosen for it? At least in current terms, I would fit the role of a main comm well? Did I "mature" too late? Was my attitude too bad back then? Did I lack the capabilities? Even if I could replace one, who was I supposed to replace? Or that there's no role suited or left for me? Do I have the right to compare myself with any other main comm? And then begets the old question, was it a case of bias, that an injustice was done to me?

These answers I hope and know I'll have to get because I don't to move on with all these unresolved issues and answers I never get to find. I'd hunt you down, and you better not withhold what's rightfully owed to me; an explanation.

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The Outsider, Sage.
Saturday, November 20, 2010

Been waiting for this day for quite some time. Am really glad that it has finally come to pass. Watching as your loved ones start to grow. But as their growth will cost a little sacrifice as well. Perseverance, faith and a love great enough to be hold back. Like letting go of a child's hand so that he/she can learn to walk, or to release a teen out to the world when they "grow wings". It's tough, but it's done for you, whether or not anyone sees it.

It's just like a drama part of my fantasies.

I never really expected myself to fit in with you. After all, I was no longer part of you, as much as some would like it that way. You moved one rank up, as the elected leaders to head the tribe. All I could do was to sit aside, and watch as you took up the crowns, setting yourself into your roles. I cheered on, rejoicing with you, despite that hurt hidden away at the ends of my smile. But I was genuinely happy for you.

Time passed. Our relationship grew. I grew as well, developing a immense love for the family as well as the leaders. I matured through time, and no longer was the child I was 6 months before. My relationship with some of you, helped kept me with the flow of the leaders. I would have been one of you, if only there was a seat more. But I was contented to be able to be with you all, even though our difference.

I never saw myself as one of you, albeit the inner desires. It was hard to accept, being the extra one, without the official pass. Some of you pulled me in, well, and others not. Some of us felt that with who I was, I ought to have been part of it. I felt honoured that I was valued in their eyes.

In my quiet observations, I hoped I could nonetheless contribute, in my own ways. I couldn't be in it, didn't mean that my gifts would be wasted. Maybe like a little fish to the bigger ones, a normal member trying to guide the leaders wasn't too much a good thing, though still accepted by those who knew me.

I watched, as you slowly fell from my standard, of what you should be doing as leaders, to this tribe. My skill, and my gift, I spotted infections growing in you. There were certain dynamics problems, that could be resolved with the know how. I passed on the wisdom to those who could make use of it. On the other hand, I stepped up, trying to fit in, and to "help" you become better.

Intentions. Those who knew me, knew my intentions. Nothing was done out of selfish gains. Everything I wanted better was for you and the tribe, and I centered my focus around it. It was my family after all, my life. But with you being sickly, I felt like I needed to step in.

I begin pushing for things. Unity within you, bonding, mutual understanding and to become a family yourself, for each other. It just had to be done. I picked up those with the same calling, and challenged them to help out. It made some of you uncomfortable, and caused others to move.

Much later, I begin to see things simmer, and I pushed harder, making aware my presence. I couldn't sit by and watch as things happened. some thing just had to be done. Inner friction and conflicts slowly built. At one time, I lost my patience, allowing anger took over, causing more friction between some of you.

Finally til this day, I've worked for, you finally came together, and poured your hearts to each other. Knowing this, I know it was time for me to go. I'm just glad that, after all this while, I did make a difference in helping you, even if it was small. Whether or not it is appreciated, I'm glad to see you grow now, better late than never. And as to me, I resolved to take my leave.



Overall, you know, to be objective, I think I did quite a lot for you. Though much undesirable, I sought to push you to what you all should be, to continue growing. Yes, I was an extra, a matter of fact, though my love for you and the people inevitably let me to be involved somehow with everything. Though I pretty much felt alone, knowing I'll never be a part of you, whether bonded or not. In fact most of the times, it felt horribly lonely, being an outsider, yet seeing so much things going wrong, and trying my best to help, and often, being the bad guy by pointing out the faults.

My closeness to you allowed me to be partially involved, as much as my desire to be as in as I could, and I imposed myself as a "guide", watching your paths and warning your turns each step. Maybe I crossed the line, I placed myself into a triangle which I did not belonged. But really, all I wanted for you was the best and for you to be as effective and to reach your potential. If I couldn't be it, then I'll make you it. I guess I could and would never be it, even though it lingers in my deep desires.

At one point of time, I gave up on you. However seeing some of you struggle, I once again took up the call to help. I could and I knew it. Whether or not it was needed. And I admit I was at fault when I lost my patience, venting my frustration on you, that I offer my sincerest apologies.



Now at the sharing, I expected my name to come forth, knowing my dealings with you and to some of the unhappiness caused. Seeing how long the meeting took, I knew for sure it was an effective one, with a lot of talk being said out, and finally, I hope there would be some realness within what the family should be like. From then,I knew it was time to go. And in my resolve, I would be washing my hands of your matters. It was time I let go of your hand, and let you stand on your own.

I knew there would be matters raised against me, or with the way I was doing things. Just wanted to say, as harsh or perhaps threatening or undesirable in the ways I did things and things that might have made some unhappy, I really done it for the best of you. I kinda see myself as an outsider "sage" with my skills and knowledge and seeing how things were going, just powerless to do anything about it. I wished I could do more, but ha.

Anyway, I think I would really like to thank those that stood up for me. Really. I never really thought anyone would, aside for the typical friends that would fight their way to clear my name HAHA. Really, I feel dam touched, especially when mostly I have been getting negative feedback of me. Thank you for defending me. Thank you.

I feel that I did something well. I made an impact to the way you were. I bugged you, I forced you, I scolded you, I advised you. My constant pushing helped you grow. And a little here a little there, efforts helped into making small impacts that added as a whole. To each person, such as today, I'm glad I made a difference.

But yea, this is where I'll get emotional. I go home tonight, with both a smile and tears in my heart. I'm happy because I know that I managed to do something for you. I know I've made a change.



To account for the tears would be to feel misunderstood and perhaps unappreciated. For the good I needed done, I had to play the bad guy, causing some along the way to become unhappy with me, much so that I became an issue. I dun even know how to fully express this in words, but it feels like, yea, I crossed my boundaries, stepped into another's territory so as to help them, and along the way, got "hated". I dunno if Im even expressing it properly now, but yea, am feeling quite hurt maybe? Sadded much hahax. Kinda feels like fine, fine, I'll be gone then. But ahh okay, really skip all the sad stuff, though I'll like to dwell in them. Shit really, this is one of the stuff that hits a certain sore spot, inner rejection and disapproval, even when doing good.

Blaaa either way, I'm just glad that at least I made an impact, did something right, did something to helped, and to see you grow, and change. I did what I could, the best I could. Perhaps evoke certain negative emotions along the way, but what had to be done had to be done. Problems needed to be solved. People needed to be attended to, I did what I had to do, and with that I'm glad.

But for now, I think, it's time for me to take a step back and give you the space you want. You need to learn on your own too, I need to stop coming in. I don't wish to be an "issue" either. So for whatever things it might be, I'm putting on my hat, dressed in my coat, and I'll be back into the shadows again. Maybe until next time. Keep up the good work. ^^

I'll walk alone, but I'll always be near.




Thank you chubby girl. Had a great time chatting with ya today =) Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for appreciating me. Hope you can get something from it.

P.S. work harder on your bejeweled score HAHA.



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Shit sometimes I'm so freaking self centered I keep talking about myself only. I need to friggin look pass myself. Rawr. Sorry for being such a whiny self-centered blockhead, I forgot about you, that you too might have you difficulties. I didn't even give you time to speak about yourself. Urgh. Dam. sorry sorry sorry. *hugs* thanks for caring for me so much.

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Don't really wannt turn back
Monday, November 15, 2010

Today's been a weird pensive day somehow.

somehow feels like lotsa things have been weighing on my heart. Events management, HiClub, friend issues and dynamics, supporting others, assignment due dates, thoughts about life as well.

Hais. To a certain few friends.

To one group, both present and past. Sorry for my way of friendship. It's jus my style of doing things or not I'll get overloaded. Social capacity as once mentioned. But hais, sometimes you guys wanna know the truth, yet I'm not sur eif it's my fault for revealing everything, but most of the times, people cant handle the brutal truth, and in the end it affects some dynamics. ZZZ

I'm tired luh, and I know you prolly wouldn't really care if it made a difference. It's your choice, it's your path. I done as best that I can, whether in good or in bad results. It's my foolishness for doing it even when you told me to go away but argh what to do, I'm a fool for life when it comes to such matters, not that I'm sure if it even qualifies to you. But either way you wan it, I'm regressing from a friends role to a passerby. Once again thoughts rampage my mind of the returns, but I guess it'll in childish fantasies. Maybe I was never good enough for you.


And you, another one. I owe you I think. Not sure if you're still here all these but yea, sorry for all the awkwardness and stuff. I still do think of you every now and then, or when I see you. But just feel so burned out and weird to even say hi. sorry I suck ._. You know, I kinda wanted to do something about us when sem started. Thought of buying some thingy to pass to you. It's been 3 weeks and I've done nothing. Duuuh. Haha, I think you just forget about me bah =P But continue working on your life k. I once said you were someone strong and positive and I'm not gonna retract that. Go on and fight everything ok, even if life beats you down, slap it back and stand up. I believe in you. =) Gambatte


Anyway, I think I'm gonna burn myself out this sem trying to get my hiclub class to bond, but owells. I'ma put in all I got for this valuable generation. Needa give them my all as best as I can. Shall persevere on, even if it kills me so.

Don't wanna turn back, even though you wouldn't chase, you wouldn't dare, nor would you last. You'd rather let it go, thinking it was best for me. But dont worry, my heart isn't strong enough to harden, I'll come back somehow, somewhat. Just maybe for now, I gotta pull through this season, till that fool within takes me back to you, if you still would be there.

Hais.

I need a break. But there's no space. Too many things to handle, too many responsibility to bear, too many people around. Needing that love but yet I feel its so selfish. Zzz, let it pass soon, or give me the strength to carry through. So much things to do, so little time.

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Powerless To Change
Friday, November 5, 2010

Hmm, got the thought about the main comm thing, now that they're choosing the new batch for hi club. Sparked off by someone presenting it to me as a sensitive issue. Got me guessing, then thinking whether I would really be affected by it, only to realize, I was and would be affected by it, mildly perhaps?

Looking back, I've been in much of Hi club. Was one of the best fews in my batch, something I wouldn't expect, and something I've never been either. Was picked up for Subcomm and the possibility of main comm. Delighted of course, my mind set up for things to do when I would be installed, the ideas and things I could do.

Things happened, through the trial, decisions changed and I was taken out from the main comm, replaced by ZX which I feel, believe, know he has done a friggin solid job in paving Hi Club to the way it is now, his constant effort in building and maintaining plans. Upset as he was though, when the final results were revealed.

And well, as for me, I did emo-ed about it of course. It was part of what I wanted, or moments of my heart for Hi Club, and losing that role would mean losing the opportunity to do the many things I wanted to do. World caved in for a few days, and resolved by my own solo rogue missions to do what I wanted to.

I do wonder though, what would be the truth. I felt I would have been too irresponsible for such a role, knowing I'm such a slacker, most told me otherwise, saying I was up to it. Others felt it was a case of biasness. Well, no one really would know but either way, I think things definitely have been better for me.

The good first, would be woots, I had so much more time and less responsibilities as compared to them. Could focus on other things instead. Could work with other people and look out for the rest. I think it helped me see Hi Club from another perspective too.

The bad then, would be along the way, as I see the main comm not reaching to my expectations of what they ought to be like with their potentials. Bits everywhere that needed fixing. Uninspired comm members, some without purpose, some without confidence, others without support. It saddens me whenever I think of what I could have done if I had the power to. Being out of the main comm itself cut me off from the action, and slowly just drift away from them as a separate individual identity.

You know the feeling when you can do something yet unable to? Hahax. Sometimes feeling so useless as well. Everytime my chats with Tim or Zx will get me so riled up with the things that are going wrong as well as all the things that can be done, if only I was in.

Time and time over again, I wish I could step in and kick the main comm's butt into doing what they ought to be doing. Really, if I had the chance, I'll give them such an ass whooping I'm be sure to make them improve. People not doing their jobs well, others having needless concerns, and in the end, those whose hearts are there are taking additional responsibilities and jobs that rightfully belong to others.

Well, things are different now I guess. Grown up a bit, and maybe more capable to have such a role, but perhaps too late. All I hope for now, is that things will get better and the situation of the comm will improved, regardless or not if I made a difference.

But wellz, as much as having to overcome the occasional coveting of roles, I think I'll just do as best I can, to invest in the future generation, making sure they have the best, and not to repeat the same mistakes again.


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Thanks Dawn for the affirmation. Though it's been quite some time since, think it's really nice of you to put in that effort where most would have just left it aside, devoured by distractions or worries. What I did was for no one other that to stand my ground before God and myself. Glad I made it through. I hope others would do it too ^^ Hahax for those wondering, its something about lac camp =P

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The Honoured Gift
Sunday, October 31, 2010

Today's been a pretty eventful day. Surprising, comforting, shocking, and stressed.

Part 1

Let start it off slowly. Settled myself towards the whole hiclub thing. Its kinda like fire and refinement, burning away all the impurities and probably what I felt was God once again at work with my priorities. Well, as much as me emoing and all that shit, I'm stronger than that ba, just a grieving period before knowing my self and how somehow I'll still get back up. In the end, I got back what I wanted after surrendering it. Life sometimes is about priorities. God doesn't wanna take away what we love, our passion and all, but for us not to let it become our sole motivation and driving force.

Part 2

Proceeded to MV afterwards. Woots, struggled with it man. Somehow couldn't bring myself to do it, despite promising Ivy I'll do better next time. Bleh, talk is cheap. Though I really wanted to do better. Kinda annoyed by all the random people around staring at me, not that i'm conscious but I just felt pretty annoyed, like heeey im already struggling with bringing myself to express and then got all these annoying buggers.

Reached to a pretty stressed level, cause in the end, I didn't really do much, and kinda wasted the team's time. Stressed over that I had to do it, out of my responsibility to friends, wasn't something I would have just dropped if I wanted to. And in as much as I hated, struggled, and felt the inwards of me tearing apart, I felt no choice but to do it. Haha, then they keep saying to maybe cancel it, which naw. Kinda sucked though, especially that I couldn't do it well. And was fairly annoyed by the point that everyone else was just talking and yet no action shown to me. Felt sucky cos kinda pressured into everyone telling me to do it, yet no one showing/proving to me they can face this struggle too, and then being faulty and not being able to progress the MV. I just wanted you all to prove to me I'm not alone in this struggling cos I feel dam victimized, and that as long as you all show me you can do it too, I'll make myself to do it as well.

Think not bad, maybe for once, or hardly, these peeps have seen my vulnerable side, of me wavering into despair, hope, in a loop. Frustration and constant whining, woots, you should see the way or the speed I talk when I'm stressed man, I talk faster than my brain even processes. But yea, thanks to everyone being so patient, as well for believing in me. Though I hate it, curse it, gonna kick its dam ass if I could, but BAAAAAAAAAAH owells, I'm too freaking bendable to resist lolz. Beginning to love you bunch anyway =P Can see the circle growing bigger, kinda cool =P

Part 3
3rd part would be me actually expressing the hiclub issue to timothy. Was kinda apprehensive about it well, was kinda afraid he might emo if he couldn't do anything about it. Cheh, and then he say he wouldn't, and wont force me to say becos he knew that I'll be strong somehow to get up again. Lol, cool that you know me well, but walao, LOL just becos I strongish then you no need show concern is it =( Sad sia, hahaha jkjk. But yea, didn't really want things to change because my own selfish desire either.

Also got to practiced the genuineness that I often talked about in friendships. Wa seriously, dam hard to do it man. Struggled again like siao, trying to mouth it, lol and then they said I look like a kid =.= But yea, finally said it out, thanks to zx facilitating as well, and finally clear much of the misconceptions, but haha, kinda nice. Overcoming the awkwardness and simplistic escapism to bring myself to the point of genuineness, (with all the observers lol so weird). Glad things took place too =)

Ending

Thanks everyone for their concern, and even to the people who think I dunno =P But yups, I think it's nice that you all care about me, but after a certain point of time, you guys needa ensure I stop emoing. I acknowledge a period of grievance, but after it, one must move on. I'm amazed by my change and growth since a year back perhaps, emoing would set me back a few days, or weeks. But for now, my emo hardly last the next day. Besides, as friends, you gotta watch my back too =P if you catch me 2 days after my emo season, forget about worrying about me. I'm probably cool long before =P
Yea hahax, my new self concept, I'm invincible ^^ (at least without being chased by knife wielding gangs...)
Or that I'm growing =)

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