#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...

Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.


I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.

Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.

I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.

I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.

Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.

Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.


"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."

Labels: life, memories, qq, thoughts

Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.

Labels: frenz, life, memories

Just had to get this off my chest somewhere.

You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.

Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.

But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.

I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.


I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.

Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.

Labels: family, life, memories, thoughts

For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.

Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P

But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.

Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.

Labels: life

It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.

Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like doing that.

I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend, and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a stronger person; but the pain remains.
 
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.

My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity, manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.

Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.

Labels: heart, life, Me, tears

Sometimes, I think so much that I end up not wanting to write anything, which is worse right, since I lose the memories of these precious moments forever. Sighz, months of thoughts gone. Gotta learn to keep things simple.

Life isn't good for me now. Everything is going well though, top 3 in my platoon, best knowledge, top 10 in wing. But all in all, I've lost touch with life, I feel empty and adrift, with no meaning and life in everything I do.

Trying hard to get myself back, but it seems like I lost it. The person I was, or that which I thought myself to be. Now it's just the ugly, isolated, lifeless me.

Labels: God, life

Monday

First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but  we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~





TUESDAY

Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.


WEDNESDAY

Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.






THURSDAY

Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.

Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.


FRIDAY

First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.

At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday



SATURDAY

Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.


SUNDAY

Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.

Labels: cell, church, deaf, frenz, God, life, memories

My days of BMT are over! It's been such a great learning journey. As opposed to what the majority would say, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time in there. I've gotten stronger physically and mentally, worked on my character, discipline and skills. Day by day, I feel myself becoming a better person.

Army has taught me a lot, to push on and persevere when things get hard, that discipline in the little amounts to bigger things, and finally, it has pushed my tolerance with people I'm not always too happy with.

Made great memories too, laughing our asses off with my bunkmates during the nights, bearing the nickname "Merlion" after I vomitted from food poisoning one of the nights. Being laughed at my over-zealousness for retaking my IPPT and SOC just for the fun of it. All our wacky impersonations of our commanders.

Throughout, I didn't really made a purpose to stand out, often keeping in the sidelines. I held back a lot due to fear. Only during the last few weeks, I began to let go, and when I did, I could see myself progressing above the rest as I throttled my way forward. Part of me regrets not doing more than I could, but



Visitors for my POP graduation. Honestly, I'm happy friends came for my POP. Felt special being able to go back to someone after ending my arduous march and BMT.




So yea, here's to the first chapter of my army life. Striving to become better and stronger with all that I've learnt. Hoorah!

Labels: life, memories

Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.

You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.

Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.

Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?

Labels: EMO, life, qq

Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.

Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.

Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.

But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.

I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.

I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.

I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.

Labels: God, life, love, thoughts

First weekend back from camp. Two weeks passed by quickly and I'm feeling pretty good about camp actually. Enjoy the PT trainings and the disciplinary regiments. My section's pretty awesome and hilarious too. Overall, I'm adapting quite quickly compared to many of them. On the bad side, my platoon's pretty ill-discipline so I hope things get better in the weeks to come.

I miss people, but I don't know who exactly I'm missing actually. Just hope army doesn't pull me too far away from the people I have around me now.

Labels: life

This item on my bucket list is a pretty significant event, it being 12 hours x 10 days long making it a full  5 days of work. It's the second time I'm working as a promoter, this time promoting toys alongside a really good friend.

I wanted a job that interacts with people to learn a more customer-centric relational approach to business. I believe dealing with many different kinds of people teaches you a great deal of things if you're teachable. So yea, here's some reflection every other day =)

Day 1
Got posted to the scooters area which is supposed to be the prime sales target, was a little hard to master it at first. Seems that the boss has been keeping a watchful eye over me, making me really stressed and pressurized.

Day 2
Begin mastering the scooter pretty well. My past experience interpreting at a customer service course seems to be refreshed. I'm more conscious of my customers and what I could do to provide better services. I want to learn how to become a customer/people orientated sales worker.

Day 3
Seeing parents spend money on their child makes me wonder how I'll bring up my kids. Would I be generous? Stingy? Strict? Or would they follow after me, caring little for material possession?

Day 4
Realize playing on the scooter generates a lot of static, enough to hear the crackling and see the flash when zapping people. Boy am I gonna have so much fun.

Day 5
It's the weekend and there's a hell lotsa people, in which I hope our sales would improved and it did! Had a total of 11 scooters sold. The crowd of kids outnumbers the scooters by more than two, it's a challenge trying to talk to parents while looking out for those crazy ones zooming into boxes, people and other scooters.

However, one really significant moment was when a customer complimented me. He said (in chinese) that I had the heart and patience to manage the children, teaching them how to skate it. I was taken aback when he came to shake my hand before he left. Right after that, felt much more motivated to ensuring the best play experience for the kids regardless of whether they were purchasing the scooters or not. Different kind of worker.


Day 6
Sales hit record high today. Saw this two kids which made me frown. Two sisters were chasing other scooters and pressurizing other kids to get off so they could play. I said to myself, I wonder what kind of parents they had. And soon enough I knew. While talking to their father, I got grilled about why we didn't sell spare parts despite telling them we provide repairs if they needed... In a somewhat sad yet amusing sight, the kids begin pestering their father in an unsightly manner into buying them the scooter. Spoilt brats I would say, by similar parenting. But I guess what comes around goes around.

Day 7
Rather boring Monday. Not much customers and feeling unmotivated. However, Timothy and my efforts have been recognized, our supervisor said among all the promoters she has seen, we were the best. It's something special when you make a distinct difference to the ppl around you, I'm happy. I think this is one of the first few times I've make light in the society round me.

Day 8
While teaching the people to play, I noticed that those who dared to shake more learn faster, picked it up faster, those who are afraid took longer. Another observation was that generally, time taken to learn was proportionate to age. Adults hardly mastered it, teens took slightly longer, whereas kids learn in a few rounds. As we grow old, we fear more, learn less.

Day 9
Today was a momentum breaker after the incline sales, Sales was rock bottom, hardly a crowd in sight.

Day 10
Last day, interesting how I connect to some of the kids, today a pair of sisters came back asking to take a photo with me. I had other kids greet me excitedly whenever they come by my area, certainly brightens up my day. The people-touch does make a difference hm!

Labels: life

So in the end I managed to fulfill my new hairstyle item! haha, tried a mohawk. Was deciding between crazy ideas such as horizontal mohawk or reverse mohawk. But yea, decided for something practical so I can experiment with new hairstyles for once.

My awesome barber who has cut my hair for almost 10 years.

Labels: life

Cell planned a farewell lunch for me and zx :D Am gonna miss them surely now that I wont be able to join them.

I remember my first two years in PolyITE1 wasn't all so good for me. Was the only one of my level/age for two years thus feeling disconnected from the rest. Been always dissatisfied at way things been. Was until my last year where I figured, sintead of thinking what this cell was for me, what could I be for the cell instead?

From there, things really took off, I learnt to opened up more, and to care for my fellow cell mates, sometimes hearing them out when they have troubles. And oh haha it makes me really happy inside whenever they get excited when I say there's activities, makes me feel really appreciated and motivated to plan new applicable stuffs to do haha.

Anyway, hope things continue to be better. A part of me regrets not doing more for this cell, but I know things will be well cos God's in control =)

²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10

Labels: cell, church, frenz, life, memories

PRE NS BUCKET LIST 

DEADLINE: 31 July

• Cut a new hairstyle (30 July)
• Make an epic nutella banana sandwich (3th July)
• Run in the rain (3th July)
• Finish a song sign project
• Make my own song sign video!
• Buy new clothes (8th June)
• Get my mom a gift (20th June)
• Find a new blogskin
• Cook a proper meal for myself (5th July)
• Reconcile with my brother
• Get a job (10th July - 19th July)
• Camp out one night at ECP!

I'm pretty happy at myself for what I've done. Most of the items here were chosen to push myself outside my comfort zone, or to do things I know I could. I've learnt and seen for myself what I am capable of, so as long as I make my life productive, instead of numbing my mind away at the computer. So yea, who knows, when the day comes I can put down this virtual morphine I could do even greater and bigger things :D

I'll be posting some of the items i've done later through the week so yea =)

Labels: life, memories

Leaving for army today! I'm somewhat looking forward into this new season of life. Just a few concerns on my mind though. Been feeling quite loved and cherished from all the well wishes and messages. Makes me feel as though my absence means something to many people haha, thanks everyone. =)



One concern that weighs heavily is the relationships I have built. Have met many people through this 3 years in poly, many of which have made significant impact in my life, it'd be such a sad thing if we had to part ways. I'm prepared though not willing. But nonetheless, spent my last two weeks meeting up with different people just to meet them for the last time with a few words, just in case I never do have the chance again. Cherish the moments while they last.

Another one is that I hope my mates in army will be good peeps. Not to be judging but I have difficulties clicking with people that are not too pleasant. I do try, but  usually it only goes to a superficial level. But i hope I can find people I can connect with as well as learn to accept and work with different kinds of people.

So yea, while I'm in I'll keep a journal and try not to be too lazy as well. Hope to build more character in there and well yea, become a man! haha. In the mean time if any one wants to talk to me feel free to sms me! I'll try my best to reply kay. =)

See you all in two years time!

Labels: life

.Make an epic nutella banana sandwich (3th July)
.Cook a proper meal for myself (5th July)


So here's two items on my list. One to make a epic sandwich, the other to cook my own meal. The purpose behind these two were to push myself to actually make food for myself when I'm hungry. Yes, I'm so lazy I'd rather starve then get myself food.

And yea, me being super unhealthy, spam both nutella and oil for both WAHAHAHA




The cooking part was more inspired after a camp where we had to did outdoor cooking for every meal, realize, cooking wasn't that all too hard actually. So yup, bought myself tons are deep-fryable food and viola! Another important thing I learn, control the fire, and open the dam windows when cooking. I swear the whole kitchen was shrouded in oily mist. *facepalm*




My first self-cooked meal (even though its not so splendid :P)
I'm happy :)

Labels: life

Woke up at 6pm. Crazy but I guess that was a good thing. Every minute awake, my mind was overly-saturated with thoughts, worries, mistakes, hurts, and everything stupid. Even had a migraine just by that.

I don't know what to do or think now. One half of me feels sorry, the other smirks with glee. It's this war waging everyday inside me, battling for reins over my life. Every action I take has a consequences I rather not face.

I keep trying to avoid the reality of the situation, to avoid recognizing the gravity of my misgivings. Yet even when I know full well, I'm too afraid to hurt, to afraid to do what's needed. Somehow, I wish when my eyes close everything will be alright.

"How could you play with love."

God please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore.

Labels: life, thoughts

Today, I decided to do my quiet time. Sadly, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Buuuuut, I just couldn't find my Bible. And like a bullet straight through my heart, I suddenly asked my self, where have I placed God in my life. My missing bible analogously reflected my spiritual state too. I couldn't find my bible, nor could I find God. Not that he isn't/wasn't there, but I had thrown him behind, laid under a pile of junk, obscured from sight.

:/

I'll need to find them. Effort.

Labels: God, life

"I forgive you"

Somehow I felt like it was needed of me to tell him that. Not sure if it made a difference to him, but things like these should never be kept hidden.

"I forgive you for hurting me that night. For when I gave you the closest thing to my heart and in my vulnerability, you responded by tossing it aside followed with the cutting words "Get over it". "

I knew in the heat of the moment you didn't mean many things you said, but it still cut me deeply. Heh, it took me awhile to get pass the anger and hatred. But I thank God for his grace in softening my heart to release the hurts and misjudgment.

Labels: frenz, God, life

#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...

Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.


I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.

Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.

I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.

I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.

Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.

Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.


"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."

Labels: life, memories, qq, thoughts

Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.

Labels: frenz, life, memories

Just had to get this off my chest somewhere.

You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.

Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.

But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.

I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.


I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.

Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.

Labels: family, life, memories, thoughts

For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.

Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P

But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.

Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.

Labels: life

It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.

Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like doing that.

I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend, and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a stronger person; but the pain remains.
 
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.

My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity, manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.

Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.

Labels: heart, life, Me, tears

Sometimes, I think so much that I end up not wanting to write anything, which is worse right, since I lose the memories of these precious moments forever. Sighz, months of thoughts gone. Gotta learn to keep things simple.

Life isn't good for me now. Everything is going well though, top 3 in my platoon, best knowledge, top 10 in wing. But all in all, I've lost touch with life, I feel empty and adrift, with no meaning and life in everything I do.

Trying hard to get myself back, but it seems like I lost it. The person I was, or that which I thought myself to be. Now it's just the ugly, isolated, lifeless me.

Labels: God, life

Monday

First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but  we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~





TUESDAY

Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.


WEDNESDAY

Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.






THURSDAY

Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.

Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.


FRIDAY

First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.

At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday



SATURDAY

Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.


SUNDAY

Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.

Labels: cell, church, deaf, frenz, God, life, memories

My days of BMT are over! It's been such a great learning journey. As opposed to what the majority would say, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time in there. I've gotten stronger physically and mentally, worked on my character, discipline and skills. Day by day, I feel myself becoming a better person.

Army has taught me a lot, to push on and persevere when things get hard, that discipline in the little amounts to bigger things, and finally, it has pushed my tolerance with people I'm not always too happy with.

Made great memories too, laughing our asses off with my bunkmates during the nights, bearing the nickname "Merlion" after I vomitted from food poisoning one of the nights. Being laughed at my over-zealousness for retaking my IPPT and SOC just for the fun of it. All our wacky impersonations of our commanders.

Throughout, I didn't really made a purpose to stand out, often keeping in the sidelines. I held back a lot due to fear. Only during the last few weeks, I began to let go, and when I did, I could see myself progressing above the rest as I throttled my way forward. Part of me regrets not doing more than I could, but



Visitors for my POP graduation. Honestly, I'm happy friends came for my POP. Felt special being able to go back to someone after ending my arduous march and BMT.




So yea, here's to the first chapter of my army life. Striving to become better and stronger with all that I've learnt. Hoorah!

Labels: life, memories

Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.

You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.

Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.

Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?

Labels: EMO, life, qq

Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.

Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.

Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.

But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.

I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.

I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.

I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.

Labels: God, life, love, thoughts

First weekend back from camp. Two weeks passed by quickly and I'm feeling pretty good about camp actually. Enjoy the PT trainings and the disciplinary regiments. My section's pretty awesome and hilarious too. Overall, I'm adapting quite quickly compared to many of them. On the bad side, my platoon's pretty ill-discipline so I hope things get better in the weeks to come.

I miss people, but I don't know who exactly I'm missing actually. Just hope army doesn't pull me too far away from the people I have around me now.

Labels: life

This item on my bucket list is a pretty significant event, it being 12 hours x 10 days long making it a full  5 days of work. It's the second time I'm working as a promoter, this time promoting toys alongside a really good friend.

I wanted a job that interacts with people to learn a more customer-centric relational approach to business. I believe dealing with many different kinds of people teaches you a great deal of things if you're teachable. So yea, here's some reflection every other day =)

Day 1
Got posted to the scooters area which is supposed to be the prime sales target, was a little hard to master it at first. Seems that the boss has been keeping a watchful eye over me, making me really stressed and pressurized.

Day 2
Begin mastering the scooter pretty well. My past experience interpreting at a customer service course seems to be refreshed. I'm more conscious of my customers and what I could do to provide better services. I want to learn how to become a customer/people orientated sales worker.

Day 3
Seeing parents spend money on their child makes me wonder how I'll bring up my kids. Would I be generous? Stingy? Strict? Or would they follow after me, caring little for material possession?

Day 4
Realize playing on the scooter generates a lot of static, enough to hear the crackling and see the flash when zapping people. Boy am I gonna have so much fun.

Day 5
It's the weekend and there's a hell lotsa people, in which I hope our sales would improved and it did! Had a total of 11 scooters sold. The crowd of kids outnumbers the scooters by more than two, it's a challenge trying to talk to parents while looking out for those crazy ones zooming into boxes, people and other scooters.

However, one really significant moment was when a customer complimented me. He said (in chinese) that I had the heart and patience to manage the children, teaching them how to skate it. I was taken aback when he came to shake my hand before he left. Right after that, felt much more motivated to ensuring the best play experience for the kids regardless of whether they were purchasing the scooters or not. Different kind of worker.


Day 6
Sales hit record high today. Saw this two kids which made me frown. Two sisters were chasing other scooters and pressurizing other kids to get off so they could play. I said to myself, I wonder what kind of parents they had. And soon enough I knew. While talking to their father, I got grilled about why we didn't sell spare parts despite telling them we provide repairs if they needed... In a somewhat sad yet amusing sight, the kids begin pestering their father in an unsightly manner into buying them the scooter. Spoilt brats I would say, by similar parenting. But I guess what comes around goes around.

Day 7
Rather boring Monday. Not much customers and feeling unmotivated. However, Timothy and my efforts have been recognized, our supervisor said among all the promoters she has seen, we were the best. It's something special when you make a distinct difference to the ppl around you, I'm happy. I think this is one of the first few times I've make light in the society round me.

Day 8
While teaching the people to play, I noticed that those who dared to shake more learn faster, picked it up faster, those who are afraid took longer. Another observation was that generally, time taken to learn was proportionate to age. Adults hardly mastered it, teens took slightly longer, whereas kids learn in a few rounds. As we grow old, we fear more, learn less.

Day 9
Today was a momentum breaker after the incline sales, Sales was rock bottom, hardly a crowd in sight.

Day 10
Last day, interesting how I connect to some of the kids, today a pair of sisters came back asking to take a photo with me. I had other kids greet me excitedly whenever they come by my area, certainly brightens up my day. The people-touch does make a difference hm!

Labels: life

So in the end I managed to fulfill my new hairstyle item! haha, tried a mohawk. Was deciding between crazy ideas such as horizontal mohawk or reverse mohawk. But yea, decided for something practical so I can experiment with new hairstyles for once.

My awesome barber who has cut my hair for almost 10 years.

Labels: life

Cell planned a farewell lunch for me and zx :D Am gonna miss them surely now that I wont be able to join them.

I remember my first two years in PolyITE1 wasn't all so good for me. Was the only one of my level/age for two years thus feeling disconnected from the rest. Been always dissatisfied at way things been. Was until my last year where I figured, sintead of thinking what this cell was for me, what could I be for the cell instead?

From there, things really took off, I learnt to opened up more, and to care for my fellow cell mates, sometimes hearing them out when they have troubles. And oh haha it makes me really happy inside whenever they get excited when I say there's activities, makes me feel really appreciated and motivated to plan new applicable stuffs to do haha.

Anyway, hope things continue to be better. A part of me regrets not doing more for this cell, but I know things will be well cos God's in control =)

²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another —and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10

Labels: cell, church, frenz, life, memories

PRE NS BUCKET LIST 

DEADLINE: 31 July

• Cut a new hairstyle (30 July)
• Make an epic nutella banana sandwich (3th July)
• Run in the rain (3th July)
• Finish a song sign project
• Make my own song sign video!
• Buy new clothes (8th June)
• Get my mom a gift (20th June)
• Find a new blogskin
• Cook a proper meal for myself (5th July)
• Reconcile with my brother
• Get a job (10th July - 19th July)
• Camp out one night at ECP!

I'm pretty happy at myself for what I've done. Most of the items here were chosen to push myself outside my comfort zone, or to do things I know I could. I've learnt and seen for myself what I am capable of, so as long as I make my life productive, instead of numbing my mind away at the computer. So yea, who knows, when the day comes I can put down this virtual morphine I could do even greater and bigger things :D

I'll be posting some of the items i've done later through the week so yea =)

Labels: life, memories

Leaving for army today! I'm somewhat looking forward into this new season of life. Just a few concerns on my mind though. Been feeling quite loved and cherished from all the well wishes and messages. Makes me feel as though my absence means something to many people haha, thanks everyone. =)



One concern that weighs heavily is the relationships I have built. Have met many people through this 3 years in poly, many of which have made significant impact in my life, it'd be such a sad thing if we had to part ways. I'm prepared though not willing. But nonetheless, spent my last two weeks meeting up with different people just to meet them for the last time with a few words, just in case I never do have the chance again. Cherish the moments while they last.

Another one is that I hope my mates in army will be good peeps. Not to be judging but I have difficulties clicking with people that are not too pleasant. I do try, but  usually it only goes to a superficial level. But i hope I can find people I can connect with as well as learn to accept and work with different kinds of people.

So yea, while I'm in I'll keep a journal and try not to be too lazy as well. Hope to build more character in there and well yea, become a man! haha. In the mean time if any one wants to talk to me feel free to sms me! I'll try my best to reply kay. =)

See you all in two years time!

Labels: life

.Make an epic nutella banana sandwich (3th July)
.Cook a proper meal for myself (5th July)


So here's two items on my list. One to make a epic sandwich, the other to cook my own meal. The purpose behind these two were to push myself to actually make food for myself when I'm hungry. Yes, I'm so lazy I'd rather starve then get myself food.

And yea, me being super unhealthy, spam both nutella and oil for both WAHAHAHA




The cooking part was more inspired after a camp where we had to did outdoor cooking for every meal, realize, cooking wasn't that all too hard actually. So yup, bought myself tons are deep-fryable food and viola! Another important thing I learn, control the fire, and open the dam windows when cooking. I swear the whole kitchen was shrouded in oily mist. *facepalm*




My first self-cooked meal (even though its not so splendid :P)
I'm happy :)

Labels: life

Woke up at 6pm. Crazy but I guess that was a good thing. Every minute awake, my mind was overly-saturated with thoughts, worries, mistakes, hurts, and everything stupid. Even had a migraine just by that.

I don't know what to do or think now. One half of me feels sorry, the other smirks with glee. It's this war waging everyday inside me, battling for reins over my life. Every action I take has a consequences I rather not face.

I keep trying to avoid the reality of the situation, to avoid recognizing the gravity of my misgivings. Yet even when I know full well, I'm too afraid to hurt, to afraid to do what's needed. Somehow, I wish when my eyes close everything will be alright.

"How could you play with love."

God please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore.

Labels: life, thoughts

Today, I decided to do my quiet time. Sadly, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Buuuuut, I just couldn't find my Bible. And like a bullet straight through my heart, I suddenly asked my self, where have I placed God in my life. My missing bible analogously reflected my spiritual state too. I couldn't find my bible, nor could I find God. Not that he isn't/wasn't there, but I had thrown him behind, laid under a pile of junk, obscured from sight.

:/

I'll need to find them. Effort.

Labels: God, life

"I forgive you"

Somehow I felt like it was needed of me to tell him that. Not sure if it made a difference to him, but things like these should never be kept hidden.

"I forgive you for hurting me that night. For when I gave you the closest thing to my heart and in my vulnerability, you responded by tossing it aside followed with the cutting words "Get over it". "

I knew in the heat of the moment you didn't mean many things you said, but it still cut me deeply. Heh, it took me awhile to get pass the anger and hatred. But I thank God for his grace in softening my heart to release the hurts and misjudgment.

Labels: frenz, God, life