profile journal archives others follow+
That Safe Haven
Sunday, August 29, 2010

Second thing I learn from saturday's sermon, having "safe" people by your side.

In this world, and to many people, how many people are there that we can fully drop our facades and be who we are, weak, tired, troubled. People whom we can trust and open up to, confide all our worries and troubles. Maybe 1? 2? or sadly for some, none?

I think for even my ideal cause of people putting aside facades, there certainly needs to be a reciprocal effect of people being nonjudgmental, loving, accepting and someone who people can freely open up to.

I hope I can be one of such people. So that I can provide others an conducive environment for them to nurse their wounds, be themselves so freely again, without all the fears, worries and hurts. To help them understand themselves and their worlds, help them to stand up bravely against their challenges.

Learning not to be judgmental, and to be open and provide a place for people to come to. I'm done it for a friend once, by God's grace, even in the face of a complete moral wrong, that without any judgment I can allow her to be who she is, and thankfully so, be part of her miraculous change. Hope to be able to extend by the grace of God to the other people around me.

I'm not here just for the sake of solving problems, I want to be there just to be there so that you can have someone to talk to, confide in and drop those masks you have to wear. To be able to find peace and to find yourself within the serenity. I'll try my best to be there at every time or moment and surely you don't need to be afraid of being "burdenish" or ranting cause it'll be my honour and blessing if I could be there for you. So if you need anyone to rant to or just talk to, please feel free to approach me alrites =D I'll try my best

God please help me and use me to be able to touch the lives of other even if it means having to be there for people to come ^^

Labels: , , , ,


Letting Go Of The Past

Amazing sermon today. Talking about emotions and stuff, how to manage them and think God really answered my prayer for guidance on what I should do next.

I think I've found one of the roots to why I am the way, doing things in such a distant manner, as well as the fear that encompasses my phobia of hurting others.

Self-guilt.

Since the day I messed up my friendship with my best friend so badly we stopped being friends, I've never ever let myself free from this imprisoned guilt of having done someone harm. Even until many years later, I've always live under the fear of me causing harm to another. So much so that I held back my all, withholding myself from others, my full self, and distancing me being from them, thus having no real bond with any unless it was able to stretch that far.

But all these overstated negative perceptions and thoughts of myself, all the self blame, self inflicted wounds unto my esteem, and how low I put myself, perhaps I've found the root to it. But now that I'm aware of such things, I'm responsible and accountable for it, and doing nothing isn't any more an excuse.

I need to give myself a new start. A fresh beginning and a new record of life. The past was the past. Harm was done, forgiveness was made, everyone moved on, except me. It's time to move on Nico, stop living in the past. Face up to reality. I'm a good guy with the potential for greater things. All these false negative thoughts are only holding me down and I need to choose to release them. So I will try not to deny my genuine needs, but neither will I allow myself to selfishly satisfy my desires.

God help me. People will be there too. I just need to learn how to reconnect to people. And reject all the negativism that brings me down. I'll need to learn how to open myself up, and allow my myself to feel emotions towards people. For me to fill the once empty gauge with real emotions of friendship, genuine care and love for another.

I promise, I will get better, I will learn to love with my full being, and I will become more positive =)

Labels: , , ,


This Direction I'm Looking In
Friday, August 27, 2010

A long deep heart to heart with a good friendd on the bus made me think much over what I should be doing pertaining to the previous post.

Amazingly, I managed to bring forth myself to speak those things from the deepest most of my heart, and well it didn't feel that scary after all ._.

Basically, despite everything, maybe what's really stopping me is my irrational fears for an idealistic world. Maybe I need to stop thinking this way, and let things be.

Maybe I should open myself and let this things happen. Maybe I should stop pushing you away and be a natural me ._.

But this direction I'm looking in, the path is one I have never tread. I'm feeling much of trepidation and fear especially, I cant bring myself to forgo the possibility of me hurting another despite your claims of me over-exaggerating my badness.

I cant see myself in that future and I dare not to. It would be nice certainly =x but, I think such things only exist in dramas and wild fantasies. But I'll try, really. Plan something out for myself and not let my thoughts get in the way. But truthfully, if without all the hurts and pains, I think that would be lovely =P but ha! Life isn't as simple as that.

I really need to sleep early hais =l

Labels: ,


In Your Arms I Rest
Thursday, August 26, 2010

I'm so tired of being the good guy, trying to be brave and face up to the weaknesses of my own, the challenges I face, and well topping it off with random stuff that hopefully might bless others. I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of not letting everything overcome me. I really don't know why at such a time like this, a period that spares no time, does everything have to come out.

I think life would be so much easier, if I lived it the way the cowards lived. Forever, for the avoidance of issues in life, they deny themselves the proper dignity of being human, and escape into a fantasy made world. Why does bad things always seem so appealing.

For now I wish I can lay down everything, forget everything, and just live an ordinary life. I'm burdened by all these unseen things around me, and I'm tired of fighting on my own. I wanna drop everything and receive for once. To have what I want. To live a dream, to fulfill a fantasy. I wish... I had you by my side.

I wish at moments like these, I had someone to fall back to. Someone to just hold me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But hey, everyone's in need of such a panacea, and there's only one soul that can be there when another is. Who's to say that I should get a share. My cup, is that much that desires and maybe, that I have deprived myself so.

But these fantasies, this little acts that I so desperately desire, that immense longing inside, there can never come to pass by the boundaries of society. Not unless I abandon all that I have, and throw myself into a acidic pool of moral wrongdoing, one that possibly fills my heart, but at the expense of my soul, and certainly another through such selfish means.

I know, I shouldn't look to such a source. I know I should be looking to that which is far greater and above all else. But yet there is this physical longing that can never be fulfilled through you without me losing my focus unto another. Is this something you can never satisfy for me. Why does this bond with you have to be sought in such difficult measures? Why must the flesh be of such weakness that it takes a daily effort just to keep in line?

I am so tired of searching, I'm so tired of waiting, I'd wish I could just close my eyes and fall. And when I wake up, I in your presence. I don't need things to be fine and perfect, I just need you. Is it ever possible that, you would somehow find your way to me. I'm at the edge of my internal sanity, and must I really be the one to make the move? Am I ineligible for a hero's grace to be rescued? Why is it that I cant have anybody there for me the way I need it

I don't need you to ask me if I'm ok. I don't you need you to be worried. I just need someone, whom through all my unspoken desires and offer me these simple yet implausible little acts of love, which my heart so greatly burns for, that I can have my grace, that I can never lack again. Someone who doesn't have to give, for it's not the giving that counts because I have no intention to take away something I lack from anyone. The most fair way would be that out of that heart, it naturally comes forth.

But I don't think I'll ever have such a chance. A fortunate and miraculous event that brings me to you, my angel who redeems the debts owed. I don't even think such a being exist outside an entirely figment of imagination and fictional fantasy my heart conceives.

All these coldness is covering me. All these weakness it creeping up. In the state of limbo my heart is slowly slowly fading off into a reality that in individual self belief of non-existence. I can only keep saying I wish, I wish, I wish. Reality taunts me in my face by it's sheer effect of human bonds of how much its exists. It dangles this cake in front to make this excruciating hurt tear more than it ever could. Unless it has all been a lie, which I have hopelessly believed in.

My eyes are closing soon, sadly not in belief in the security but from the fatigue accumulated in this muscles. I am so tired, I have no point in hoping that such a thing as this even would befall me. My hope is diminishing. I know you'll never come.
So I'm gonna take this step alone. Alone.

Labels: , , , ,


The Shadow Self

Woah, another awakening of my shadow.

Been long since I got all riled up enough with devious thoughts going through my mind. Eesh. It isn't a nice thing to have and to let be known, but ah well, I'm gonna be open about it.

I, in my opinion, have a sense of gifted insight where I can thankfully so see a certain depth of an issue. Be it good, bad, or what yea. I'm not exactly flaunting it or saying that I'm smart but haha, it's nice having an analytical insight to the things around me. For some, they'll probably say I think too much, but mm, I kinda think they're just oblivious to the hidden dynamics that encompass each and every of our influence.

Well, sometimes I have it for looking into an issue, spotting out tiny cracks in things that seem ordinarily ok on the surface, and trying to resolve it if it's within my means. Well most of the time, I'm just being horribly insensitive. But yea, anything of power can be both used for good or bad means.

Fire for example. A dangerous tool that the heathen fear. In control, it provides heat and light that benefits our daily living, but if left without control, it attains the ever feared symbol of destruction.

And that's when the shadow takes over. Baah, thankfully enough, I think I have a conscience and accountability good enough that I know I should never do such things. Honestly speaking, if I wanted, I could 'screw' one's mind, twisting every little gear, and setting in a plague so subtle even an ant bite would be more noticeable. If I was set to be some seriously evil fella, lols, beware.

They say one shouldn't hang dirty linen in public, but yea, putting this up certainly doesnt give me a good name, and I think would perhaps get people a little on their guard which prolly wont do both of us any good. I writing this to face my flaws as well as to change. I don't even know if putting this up here would cause negative tensions (which I doubt any/most would understand what I mean)

Change as in even in thoughts. Having the thoughts is as good as doing it. No one gets hurt yea, except me. Conceiving such stuff in mind is akin to doing it out inaction, the repercussions on oneself is the same, a catharsis only promotes future behaviour, the effects and scent left in the unconscious mind.

Anyways, I haven't done anything like that, and I shouldn't ever. Note to self: Don't abuse power. Oh by the way, I totally abhor hard-hearted inconsiderate selfcentered asses who have no regard of people's feelings around them. I'm nice, I give chances. If it doesnt work out. You ought to stay away from me.

Labels:


It's Always About Me
Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wowz, never knew reading from textbooks it self could be so inspiring but hahax. I like Rogers =)

Anywayz. hmm, the thing about friendships is bugging me again. I take a look back into the past where my relationships first blossomed and how things have been along the way. I find that I don't quite have much good ones? Most of them quieten along the way.

I learning to accept this introverted piece of me as who I am, though I quite wished that I was that kind of more of a sociable person. Being all talkative and entertaining as someone anyone can talk anything to. But eesh, I'm not someone for small talk and I don't quite remember details from small talk either.

I mostly end up mixing with the kinds I'm interested in, people I respect, and well, people who possess a similar potency for thought. So maybe it isn't my wrong that things die along the way, but my style of identity. but well. I fear, sometimes the hurts need not be present if I never did something to begin with.

Maybe I could stop being nice in some sense. Overly nice as I try to. Or maybe depersonalized myself from the things I do, that way I can keep my feelings out of it. But owells. I'll keep on working to be someone better?

Oh and haha, sianz I think I'm still quite a self centered person. My speech often still revolves round the subject of me, and I often oblivious to other people's feelings at a present time. It's always when I look back and think urgh, how I could have done things differently. Lesser me especially =/ I don't like a lot of my traits. I wanna be someone better. Rogers' incongruency?

I'd wish I'd be more selfless =/

Labels: ,


15 In, 1.5 Out
Monday, August 23, 2010

Wa, major life break through for me today. I finally touched the stove for the first time since this year I think.

My mom didn't cook nor bought anything for dinner and I was left hungry. Well, normally I prefer to starve myself cos I'm too lazy to cook anything or walk to the coffeeshop which is about 10 mins walk.

Ba, my strength is my weakness as well. Adaptability. pfft.

Anyways, fought the great battle in my mind whether I would keep hungry through the night or to just get over my lazy butt to cook something to eat. Sheesh, and I amazingly, surprisingly chose the latter. I bet my mom is over the moon. I'm such a spoilt brat xD

Only if all conditions are met will I ever repeat such a miraculous feat. I hope my mom doesn't see this, confirm sure use against me so she doesnt have to cook for the rest of her life =o

1. I'm hungry and skipped 2 meals.
2. No motivation to go down to 7-11 DIRECTLY under my block to buy over-priced ripoffs.
3. Ate a whole loaf of raisin bread for dinner the day before
4. No $$$
5. Bored ttm.
6. Mom not being extra nice on that day.
7. Whining and acting childish doesnt work.
8. Neither does sweet talking.

haha owells. Kinda sianz. I hate cooking to the max. I see no point in taking so long to cook only to eat it up in 10 times less the time. 15mins to cook, 1.5 minutes to eat dang. 1 plate of nooodles with 1 hard boiled egg. Haaais. And feeling hungry right after it's down.

Sianz much. Nonetheless, three cheers for me actually cooking for myself. Hooray much. How I wish food fell from the sky...

After Young Hearts

Being watching a series of videos on depicting the end times. I think the evidence shown are quite compelling that we are really in the end times. Subtley under the scenes of everyday life, things are happening unknown to us.

I gotta get my life straight man. Stop living such a sloppy life, there's so much more I can do with it. To be vigilant at all times.

Anyway, my church recently founded this centre of youths and they looking for volunteers. And one of the help needed is to be a youth mentor.

My heart immediately throbbed when the spoke about this section when introducing the centre. It has always been my dream, to do something for the youths, to impact their lives be it through psychological, emotional or well maybe spiritual means. Scenes of what I would be doing flashed continuously through my mind, the things that we could do together, the wisdom I can pass on, and all the little things that can be done to make a single child's life ever so precious.

But sheesh, firstly, there's so many things to consider. It's centre's at SengKang, and it's a weekly thing, and besides, I'm a schooling student I'm not sure if I can handle the commitment. My personality style can be quite dampening to what a mentor should be like. Oh and the biggest thing of all, it requires a year's commitment. =l

But I know I've been called for such a purpose. Give me the green lights. I promise You, I'll give everything I have and go all out for the hearts of these young people. Send me and I will go.

Gotta keep working to become better.

Labels: , ,


Words Behind The Screen
Friday, August 20, 2010

Wheee, it's gonna be the end of two weeks since the start of break, another two more to exams, I really got to start studying, or maybe mugging, for the third time in my life... =l Gonna ramble on because I have no concrete idea what to write about.

~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~

Been slacking around, reading personality theories with much enthusiasm, I find them super interesting when read in depth. I wish there was more time to study all this, what we learn in class is so minute, so, out of detail sometimes. And lol, I wish I can come up with my own theories but baaah, the way of psychology is way too much for me. I'm keeping more towards my own personal theories towards social dynamics :)

~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~

To the times we feel like burdens.

Well, it’s cos we think we are, which makes us feel like we are, and then treat ourselves like we are, and therefore we get the effects as though we are. But the truth is, to the people that love us, there is no such thing as burdens, and to share this load with you would be their joy and honour to.

I used to think I was one. Now I'm learning not to think I'm one. ^^

~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~

Oh boyz, signed up to be main comm for a church camp for youths. I'm in Programming. I think its a big task and role. I don't think I can do it, but I'm gonna believe I can. I think perhaps, there's more then our rational mind can conceive so why not take the chance, do something that's so undesirably avoidable yet necessary in time. And dang, all those ideas, I has none. Slogging my brains (even though I'm not really thinking it out seriously) just to come up with some good idea. Bah, I'm tired of trying to think up of something but omg, there's only 3 weeks left to the camp. Cmon inspirations, please come to me.

And shucks, I really need a conducive environment to let these thoughts flourish. I need to have like an open active discussion with the team to let the ideas keep flowing, not the go home and think kind. zzz

~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~

I think this camp is helping me grow a lot. Firstly, it's increasing my leadership experience and potential from which I have been escaping from. Hais, being a leader, is like one of the hardest roles, there's so much things to consider, and besides, the journey of a leader is lonely and not easy. Owells. slowly I guess ._. And lols, the camp is about the lies and perceptions we have that limit ourselves or are destructive in both personal and external ways. And they said, since we are the leaders of this camp, we need to set a good example, in faith, conduct, thoughts and life.

And yup. It's time I guess. Stop running away from myself and all these false thoughts about myself and this world. I know the truth yet I allow these lies to take over. It's time to regain lost ground. Difficult and uncomfortable it's gonna be, RAWR I'M GONNA FIGHT YOU. =)

~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~

And, I've observed a common trait in people's behaviour seemingly rooting from the same cause. Kinda interesting. Wished I could do something about it though. Wish I could do more then just be one of them.

~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~..~*'*~

Briefly went through all my previous posts. 255 of them now. Pretty amazing to see how I've been thru the years. All my past experiences, feelings, thoughts, memories, the people, my everything. Opened some of the draft posts that never made it out, I'm kinda amazed how I used to write last time. I think it's got a pretty nice touch to it. Haha, I got so excited while reading through all the posts, especially those with a cryptic and imaginary touch to it. Sheesh, I hope I can get that back =D

Labels: , , , ,


Hope Beyond The Pain - Bear Bear
Thursday, August 19, 2010

In dedication to an awesome and inspirational friend in my life.

Haha wow Zhi Xiong, I'm truly grateful and blessed to have a friend like you. The times where our hearts connected somehow, in a deep way. A similarity that pulled us together like lost friends. Both in experiences, but more beautifully so, in ideals and goals in life.

To know that there's someone out there, faced with a multitude of troubles and issues, and yet instead of wallowing in a pit of self pity and despair like most would have, you are actively fighting them, overcoming them, not allowing them to take you down in life. The way you put up a relentless fight, against the odds, against your human self, and to give to others the best you can. Lacking, yet giving; unloved yet loving. A pursuit of altruism, a conquest of selflessness, an aim to give as much as you can to others. Even with the actions.

And that's what differentiates you and me. You do not just live life by such ideal thoughts, but even in the midst of your own internal struggles, you open up a window to reach out to the people around you, the kids you teach, the people you volunteer for, and as well as the friends and people around you. I can only catch a glimpse of your true tremendous efforts that you put in to do such feats, but it really is such an inspiration to me.

I'm amazed by your strength, your determination, your will, your life, your actions and most importantly, your heart. A heart with much pain and hurts, but even with each throb of agony, you bleed for the people; you bleed for the good of others.

I once wrote an essay on heroes. Heroes in the daily lives, hidden to our sight. A patient smiling despite his diagnosis of a terminal illness. A single mother who makes untold sacrifices for her beloved children. People who put their lives on the line just to make sure we're all safe. And now, I'm thinking, people who are struggling inside, yet they make the best of their own world of ruins, forgoing their own selfish necessities, to provide others a hope, even beyond the pain. It's people like you, I'd like to call, a hero.

Thank you ZhiXiong, for being in my life, for sharing much of your own wisdom, aspirations and your own life as an example and inspiration to me. I thank God for sending me a comrade, I thank God for giving me this honour of meeting a hero like you.

We will fight on. I know we'll have the victory.

Labels: , ,


Blessed Are Those Who Mourn
Tuesday, August 17, 2010

For they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Kinda amazingly actually. Yesterday after finishing up a quick blog post, I cried my heavy heart out. In total exasperation and despair, I sought my deprivation in Him. Less than a minute later, I completely forgot why the reason I was pouring all these tears for. Being an emo kid I am, I tried recollecting and re-enacting the feelings that created this saddened tone in me, and well, got to cry for an extra few seconds before it being empty tears again.

The feelings had somehow completely eluded me, despite my efforts to evoke them again. I gave up after that, recalling my past experiences with tears.It’s funny how whenever I do cry, the whole scenario never lasts for more than 3 minutes at max, before having every negative feeling disappear as though it was magically erased. It’s puzzling really.

He’s amazing as He is. Maybe I think comforting as having to console someone, helping to them to be less sad in a sense, but heh, God does it for me by removing all those hurting and painful feelings of genuine sadness. It’s not running away, the problem still exists for me to overcome but at least, without those bad feelings.

Besides, it's nice to know He collects our tears, precious is each drop. Psalms 56:8 ^^

Labels: , ,


Hugs

I cried watching one video today. You know those videos of dads and husbands returning from the army, surprising their families, childrens and loved ones.

It's touching to see all the moment of shock, beyond belief, to see their dad, husband once again. The kids running forth, jumping into the wide open arms of their dad, both hugging each other tightly, perhaps, with tears and overflowing joy as they lock in embrace.

It's the love that is so strongly depicted here that touches my heart. But well, most people cried because the video is really touching. Not me.

Fantasies. Wishes. Dreams. Second chances.
Reality.

This is quite an rare post haha. But I'm deciding not to hide it anymore but with a cryptic touch. Welcome to my world ^^

I'm still waiting... One day... I believe...

Labels: , , ,


Alone
Saturday, August 14, 2010

I see it my everyday life, my speech, my behaviour, my interaction. Individualism. Out of my subconscious mind, I speak so much of words like "I, me, my" and anything that denotes a personal and individualistic thought pattern. But sheesh, it's not that I want it that way, I was trained to be that way.

Well, I would always see things in quite a self-perspective way. Growing up with a family that didnt quite felt like a family, each member burdened with their own personal difficulties, I was left to fend for my own, well not physically, but every other aspect. I learnt of the world's coldness, with everybody busy having their own things to fix. I learnt how to stand on my own, or in another light, how not to rely on anybody.

I never quite see nor believed things would ever come to a lovely ending. Good one maybe, but not anything "love"ly. I pretty much cut myself off from any source, being disbelieving of any possibilities that my conflict with this warped philosophy I grew up with. Even if I was to do something that require the collaboration of another, it never quite was "working together" for. It's either you helping me, or me helping you. Something obvious in the common mistake of my personal addressing the class, sanctioned by the glares of my partner. Well, it's not that I think the class is mine, I've just habitualized myself to the solo path of things.

Perhaps this is why, there is this part of me hidden from the world. This part of me that retains my individual sanity. This part of me that blocks out every other force breaking in, be it to devour me, or rescue me. Well, in an fairytale analogy, I given up waiting for a hero to come. I'm on my own rouge mission to fulfill the things I seek.

Saddening isn't it. Even with a close companion. I hate to see how the possibility of me opening up my inner world to someone, only to see them go, whether of natural circumstances. A "family", I have yet to acknowledge, despite their welcoming gestures. It's amazing how, I have yet to utter a single word of acceptance, the acceptance of myself, allowing myself to be loved.

I know well the weakness to my very being, the devious contraptions that intricately protect me from everything, both the good and bad. This weakness I am so tempted to divulge, so that one can free me from these chains of bondage. A charm so powerful to unlock, yet so dangerous to find. But who would?

Many people claim they would. Foolish souls. Not a thought in mind, have they considered the weight of such a burden. It is not something to be played with. Many do not understand the gravity of such a task. A babbling fool sweetly says, "I'll be here for you always", when we well know, we, are often incapable of such a feat. It's not about giving hope, its about not making someone lose greater hope due to another's insolence. Don't make promises you cant keep.

On a ending note, build all the walls you might, shed all the tears you want. If you're unwilling to even rescue yourself, how else can another save you. This castle fashioned by your own mind will allow no light to come it, until you let it. No matter what kinds of miracle cures and therapy for a paralytic there might be, if he chooses not to stand up, he will never walk.

Stand up and fight.


P.S. I know I'm much into my own world, but sheesh. One thing at a time. I'll find my way out, somehow.

Labels: ,


Fried Soft Boiled

It's midnight now.

oh boy, I've completely wasted a day away to mindless idling. I really have no idea how I can spend at least 10 hours on the computer practically doing nothing. Really. I think majority of the time is spent thinking what I'm supposed to do.

Owells. Today dinner's egg were fried soft boiled. Fried on the outside, runny on the insides. Weird much. Staying up to midnight, wishing for food to eat, and managed to salvage 10 nuggets and 1 pizza after some spring cleaning in the freezer.

I think I'm going mad. This social depravity is killing me. My mind is just spinning about in circles everyday and I'm constantly thinking of people's blogs to visit, not that I know much of. Just a bunch of them, without updates. I think its to keep my sanity on being out of the world. I wish I'd know.

Oh boy, I need some company but I don't know who and what to talk. I need to get out of the house somehow but I think I'm too afraid of being alone I wont know what to do. Life's so eerily quiet. Too still...

Oh and I'm sure, like pants-dropping sure, by the end of these 4 weeks, my jeans aint gonna fit me anymore =( I'm starving each day, but I'm not going out to eat. Oh boyz. What's becoming of me.

I need a friend...

Labels:


Six Billion Secrets
Friday, August 13, 2010

Every time I read the entries from SixBillionSecrets, it makes my heart sink. Reading through the pages of secrets that often hold such sad melancholic stories. All we had to do was just to be a little nicer, a bit more caring, a tad more sensitive, maybe this world could be a happier place. Lives could be different, painting smiles on faces and such more meaning injected into the way we are.

Here's my secret,

I wish I could be less selfish, without all that self-centeredness. I wish I would go the extra mile for someone, to keep knocking on a closed door, chase a back turned away, to rescue people from their fortresses, to pursue on when people stop. I wish I could be more wiser, having the right words to touch people's hearts, to knock down walls, to melt hearts of stones, to heal the wounded. I wish I could help someone fight on, make them feel loved, not to give up believing but to have hope. I wish I would be bold, and do good things without thinking twice. I wish, I wouldn't hold back because of fears. I wished I would give people a second chance, without judging, and with the same unconditional love, to care for others. I wish I won't show any extra favour to anyone, because I'm giving my best to everyone. I wish for lives to be different. I wish you'd be happy. I wish I can do everything to help alleviate all these pain and suffering.

But I can't. Because I'm human. But, I promise I wont let that get me down. I promise, I try my best, to overcome these weaknesses. I promise, I will save a soul one day. I promise, I will save you.

I promise.

Labels: ,


The Power Within
Thursday, August 12, 2010

Along the line of history, great men have been known to rise. And these men, have altered the world's path, revolutionized lives, and carved their existence into the present in subtle effects of everyday lives. Take them out, and today wouldn't be the same.

A great power lies dormant inside. A power to evoke changes of great measures. A power to change the world. But this power entails a potential of either great good, or diabolic evil, and the possessor of this power is indefinitely burdened by the will of this power, to make or break, life.

~~~~~

A genius child, manifesting under the guise of an erratic deviant, leaving a vaguely subconscious distinct mark around crossed paths. Tucked away into the shadows guarded by unruly fears and false perceptions. All these to protect the key to the chambers where the relentless struggle between dark and light rages. Sealed away into a calcified core floating in a dimensional void of unconsciousness, awaiting its escape from slumber. The immortal bond to the call of destiny decreed by the One chains him by no further boundaries that the present incongruity allows. Seeping into the conscious mind forged by the protection of the self, the essence of the core pulsates through the living reality of his deviant nature. He, was made to be different.

and He was to make the difference.

Labels: ,


Inner Adrenaline
Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ah crap. Feeling a bit cheated now.

It was done out of no ill intention and for the fun of it, but seeing things the way it might have been going, I wouldn't dare take the risk. The possible happiness of two friends, gaaah, I auto went into my "nice-guy" mode. Spamming all sorts of things to help try soften the situation, trying my best to make things right. And dang, in the end was just a scam.

Ok, knowing some of them might have chuckled helps alleviate the feeling a bit but... still feeling a bit uneasy about it. I have an issue with trust, and here I kinda got tricked in a way (no ill intentions) that I'll draw out the good things in me.

Hais. Firstly, that side of me is only reserved for special occasions and not something I kinda like portraying all the time. Besides, it's also a very big and personal step for me... That is when I put down all my walls, and go all out of my own comfort zone and defenses for someone. To me, it means that I completely let go of who I am, my fears, my concerns, my uneasiness, so that I can give my best to do all that I can to make sure whoever the goodwill is intended to, to benefit from what I can give to perhaps help.

Secondly, like I said, it's a time when I put down all my defenses. It means I leave myself vulnerable, in some "noble" sense, I'm sacrificing my own self for you, despite most not actually aware of what I go through to bring forth such a front. And yea, when I see something go wrong which I know I have the power to change or make a difference, I instinctively will go forward to do something. But heh, it's in front of so many people, which I normally wouldn't have, but like I said, since it concerned two people that I know, I dare not take the risk.

Please don't do that again. Yea, me being "really nice" may be something good to see, but it's really a last resort thing for me due to all the psychological process I have to go through to do it. It isn't something to be played around like that.

And perhaps you may not know my issue with trust but what you just did have shattered future chances of me "unlocking" this nicer side of me without me having to decide so much as to whether I should do it or not. You know, the next time it happens, I'm not sure if I will just go straight into what needs to be done, or waste time asking myself whether I should do or not.

In an analogy, its like someone who's afraid of exposing his body to others, but he takes off his clothes to rescue a drowning person, only to find it was just a joke, and there's many bystanders watching. It really doesn't make feel good. I hope you understand.

So yea, this nice side of me, is kinda like for emergency purposes for the people around me. So please don't use it for the fun of it. I know you didn't intend it to be and I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just voicing out this uncomfortableness inside me stating "you" so that I have something to refer to. But yea, if you genuinely need it, it'll be my greatest honour and pleasure, to see you well once again. so yea :)

Labels: ,


Never Stop Believing - The Fool
Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hais, I hate it when I get this kind of feelings.

I feel like giving up, quitting the game, and forget everything. But dam, I know myself well enough that I'll probably continue on somehow, like a fool in a desert, running on knowing there's no point, yet this inner drive compels me for something different, something special, some wild fantasy made up of wishes and dreams. I don't know if being persevering fool is a strength or weakness.

I'm tired of chasing people. Chasing to forge bonds. Tired of holding on and letting go. Isn't it supposed to come naturally? Yet everything seems so unnatural, the moment I stop doing anything, everything fades. Friendships die, relationships crumble, affections fade.

I find that, I don't really know anything about anyone. Aside from my own mental schema about how some people work, I'll think I have quite little knowing of anyone? I have no idea how to even get to understand someone, and know them without the use of all these mental formulas. And yet people scold me for playing on too much assumptions. But how, I have no idea, seriously, all these relationship things are bugging me so bad. Am I to be devoid of such matters?

Yet, in hope to find a reciprocal intimacy of understanding, I try my best or perhaps even do leave myself open and vulnerable, with only the the most inner bits kept in. This hidden fortress holds all the gems of my being, the keys to unlocking myself. But everything else, everything, I do not keep hidden. Or do I? Aside from the casualness of my cryptic posts every now and then to avoid the directness of the message. After all, those who are meant to get it, will understand. Besides that, my erratic behaviour, personality and problems, I don't really hide them do I?

Attributing to my (perceived) high self-awareness and deep evaluations, I think that most wouldn't understand me. Not that I do not make myself known, but some parts of me are just unseen for the common eye. It's not me not wanting myself known, it's the difference in focus at where the depth of thoughts lie. Again I do not claim myself as better as thinking deeper, but I merely think of it as a difference in focus. Social dynamics for example. Lolz. Almost and hardly anyone even gives a damn about what I am looking at.

Back to my own difficulties. This pursuit of trying to create bonds with others. Maybe my failure comes from my very first bond being rejected at beginning, causing a ripple effect that affects me beyond time can tell. Some tell me, friendship is pretty much a casual matter, contrary to what I believe it is to be. But yet, I see no understanding in how it is a simple matter. The moment I relax and just let things be, everything fails. Yet when I turn it into a conscious thought, I'm constantly drained out by the chase of everything.

Communication, interaction, understanding, time, compassion, empathy, kindness, goodwill, presence. Whichever. Times where I try, I try to make repair a dying bond. Yet I do not meet with positive feedback. I mean, so, when I try to keep a bond going and nothing works, and I'm worn out by the constant degeneration of everything so much so I decide to stop trying and believing. Yet when I stop, I'm treated as one who leaves, someone who forgets, someone who doesn't even try.

Thus, the only thing I can do, is take on this label, false or not I do not know, to warn everyone that comes along the way, saying, "Hey, don't put your hope in me, because I'll be gone one day, and the happy days we may have will be nothing but a withered leaf descending from the heights of the treetop." Am I to be blame for my beliefs that I'm a failure at friendship?

Some will argue to me I'm not. Of course I'll like to think I'm not. But why, is it of my incompetence or your ignorance that whenever I try, no one, not even those who tell me to keep fighting, open the door to me. Even those close by my side, I meet resistance. In simple words, I do not, even know the people beside me. None? Friends I made along the way, friends that stayed, and friends that became more. I am resisting the urge to even name names, least you come to know of the agony I feel towards the friendship we all presume is working out fine, or the occasional hatred and anger I have towards your indifference of this difficult battle I fight, this endless path I walk, this life I foolishly endure.

You know, I'd wished I'd give up sometimes. I do. But, I never fail, never, to somehow pick myself up, no matter how much the unhealed wounds or scars to just take a chance to believe again. No matter how much people hurt me, disappoint me, or to reinforce all the supposedly false mindsets and defense I have, I still go on. Sometimes I hate myself for it really. I think in the aspect of the human spirit, it's is quite feat, something strong. But I hate myself for being so "strong", this compelling force that pushes me through a wall of thorns.

Baaah. I hate it, I hate how things that feels nice, the way people be nice, are things that are so... unreliable. That things never fail to prove me that thing swill never be well. But heh, here I am still walking on. Owells, I'm sorry all. Tonite, I'm taking it as a great flaw of mine.

I'll never stop believing...

Labels: , ,


It's A Love-Hate Thing
Saturday, August 7, 2010

Well well well, I have dawned upon some new inspiration and acceptance of myself. Me being annoying. =)

Ha, I'm sure most people that know me have at least once have gotten annoyed the shit out by me. In fact, I dun think I have ever failed to not annoy somehow. But over the time as I go about doing my whole deviance and self acceptance thing, I have come to enjoy and liked even the flawed side of my annoyingness and it being a part of me and who I am.

History first, I started off as a super seriously annoying kid doing all sorts of irritating stuff to get people pissed. It was kinda out to get attention which I lacked quite a lot. And well, being annoying isn't a very good way of recieving positive attention, but well it does work. I believe I would be one of the most difficult kids back then, a horror to caregivers and friends.

It was until I lost my best friend in the process of my misbehaviour. I mean wow, I practically annoyed the shit out of best buddy so much he had it and just broke the friendship with me. Well it wasn't really his fault, I mean I really was a terror back then and having to tolerate me and be my friend for years was something he surpassed others in. But well, I had to learn my lesson the hard way.

Since then, I always had a fear, a fear that I will annoy others so much they would leave me as well, maybe hate me. And from then I never fully opened up to others cause I didn't want them to feel unhappy. I feared the rejection that others might give and closed myself inwards, becoming quite an introvert. And that being so, I was especially sensitive to negative comments about me being irritating or a nuisance. If I ever heard something like that, I would have totally break down inside instantly.

But moving forward to the present, I have come to realized this part of who I am, not that I should stay an annoying brat always but, somehow, I feel that as I accept this now "annoying" part of me, I begin to present it in a more well... genuine way with lesser motives of pure attention seeking behaviour. And the people around me have accepted me for who I am as well.

A few things sparked off a memory from a anime show, Clannad. I find myself relating to one of the characters, Sunohara. He's kinda like some really annoying guy in this show with his randomness and weird antics. But as unlikable as he is, he is still part of the clique and group of people, and in some way, his annoying behaviour is part of the whole group together as one. He's part of them, the way he is.

As I ponder over my doings, I find that I somehow develop a somewhat love-hate relationship with many people in a away that goes "Argh I haaaate you~" with yet an affectionate feeling with it. Somehow, that which I have yet to understand, is that well, this part of me being terribly "annoying" has become a part of their lives, and thru either making them positively and laughably pissed off at me, it would be something missing if I never existed. Perhaps this "annoyingness" in me brings out a thing in them which well, I dunno, does something good for them =P If you do know, please do let me know how I have made a difference to you small or big hahax.

But yea, I think its a wonderful and meaningful lesson for myself. As much as I now tell others to accept themselves and be it, I too have come to accept and embrace part of me which I have avoided for ever so long. It's like having part of me restored, and my esteem raised. Haha, perhaps it really is true? When one is congruous with himself, things will really be quite well and nice ^^ At least, now I no longer hate and think myself to be an annoyance to others =] Oh and thanks to the people around for accepting me for who I am, both the good and the bad, it means a lot to me, and I believe to many others around also ^^

I'm one step closer to becoming a deviant of society, a good one ^^ And as I started, I end it off with my new message in life.

Dare to be different, dare to be you.

Labels: , ,


Thick-Skin Much

Today is such a good day, I feel so much relieved from school being over and submitting my very last assignment but more more importantly so, I think today has so much nice things that happened to me, and I wanna thank everyone that I can =P

Thanks to 2 strangers -
on the train, who showed me that intimacy can still be present in a friendship, a close bond of both physical and emotional intimacy still exists out of the norms.

Thanks to Hui Qi -
for coming down to be there when I was seriously dying from a sudden migraine attack. I think I'll just go nuts from the pain and nausea if not for your presence. Really helped me a lot there. Thanks for your concern and time, and sorry for making you sit there and do nothing for 30min and stoning while getting sunburnt under the hot sun. Thanks a lot, I would have died if not for you =D

Thanks to the FMS people -
for allowing us to experience what a studio is like and the recording of a live show and the behind-the-scenes. I never knew it was so much hard work and woah, it really is quite an eye opener and really really interesting. I'm sure we have learnt a lot from you. As much as you all are grateful to us, I think we have receive much in return as well. Experience is invaluable afterall.

Thanks to ZhiXiong and Eileen -
for being nice to lend me your laptop to chiong my work when I'm late. And thanks to both of them for being awfully naggy to get me to complete my work. =( Even say if I don't complete my work I don't get to eat the refreshments T^T

Thanks to Timothy, Don and Zhi Xiong -
for not being afraid of being "childish" and playing along and having fun with every thing we do. WAHAHA let's make the girls jealous cos they cant have as much fun as us! xD But yea, i love you guys the way we all can play together and just have fun.

Thanks to those who camp outside the Convention Centre -
when Eileen had leg cramps and we all sat by near the sides of the road all chatting away and having fun. Laughing away at ZX and all the other jokes and laughters we had together.

Thanks to Juvi and Yvette -
for the really awesome dinner and woots all the super duper cool food they provided for us! And quite inspiring with all the humanitarian talk too. Choc puffs are cool ttm!

Thanks to Kenneth and folks -
for entertaining my whining about my awfully bad backache and them helping me alleviate the pain.

Thanks to Hui Yin? (forgot name) -
for the really random but awesome and super shiok massage T^T really really comfortable ahaha. Sometimes massages are pretty nice if people know how to exert the right force (especially for my low pain tolerance).

Thanks Naiimah -
for the nice words. For saying that I was thick skin and how others can be free to kajiao me knowing that I wont take it to heart, and saying that it helped her destress xD Yay for being thick skin! Thanks for allowing me to see the good in me as well, big encouragement.

Thanks Cheryl -
for being so nice and homely to me, it makes me feel loved ^^ Hahas, thanks for being an awesome piggy instructor!

Thanks Timothy and Yizhen -
for showing me how you care for others and how you all try your best to help friends to go through their problems, even when things seems bleak.

Well yups, I hope I haven't miss out anyone =) Lovely day indeed hehex


Random Smiles :) [Being long since I had one]

"and Darren is sleeping like a homeless beggar now"

AHAHAHA, was doing project with groupmates at Lv3 Hms foyer then I got so tired and decided to sleep, using three chairs and ZK's big bag as my bed xD Am gonna try that again soon :D

Labels: ,


Chronicles of D-to-Fire 2
Thursday, August 5, 2010

It's almost a week after the closing ceremony and I lack the time to finish up so many of my thoughts

Well, I'll start it with the end. Closing ceremony this sem saw me being a interpreter. In one of the largest communities ever for Hi Club, a crowd of possibly 200 of freshies, amateurs, pros and more terrifyingly so hearing impaireds.

This is my third time being and interpreter, of increasing measure. From closing camp, to opening ceremony, and finally a big show like the closing ceremony. And this time, I think I did pulled off quite a good show. Had quite positive feedback of my signing skills from fellow seniors, friends and even the HI's. Was so afraid I wouldn't meet the mark as had with from the opening ceremony.

Even so, performances were pretty awesome. My class planned a skit, and with so many last minute impromtu changes and additions, I'm proud to say that our performance garnered the most laughs and I do hope everyone enjoyed the performance as we did. Oh and lols, interestingly so, we had all kinds of random ideas from me and Clement :D like dishing out bananas out of nowhere, and pointing straws. Song signing was a bit lil hard since each year I get more and more slack and I push the practice of my song signing later and later back until on the week of closing =x

Thursday instructors performance was pretty awesome too. One of the only few songs I really enjoyed signing. Formation was quite fun with a gangster element. And heh, for a moment, I forgot my formation and stood there all blur =P

Ha, the third performance I'll mention would be my class' performance ^^ I love the way everyone signs together as a giant whole, and how the audience liked the final ending formation of 1F. I think I'll stop going on about how awesome my class is cos I'm actually sick of hearing myself say so xD

Well well well, I think this sem's closing was a great success. Main Comm's performance was ultimately awesome shitz, which I really enjoyed =D Glad to see me buddies putting on such a good show. I'm sure most of the crowd enjoyed the moment too.

Overall, this in some manner concludes half of Hi Club life. I have studied through Basic A, B, & intermediate and soon, alumni. Sat thru countless ceremonies and performed numerous songs, had my own class, watched them grow up. I got to meet my objectives of involving my emotions and expressions into signing. Yup, moving on to interpreting next sem I think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Perhaps I'll begin on my class first. Class truly was a bit tough to begin with, managing so many students at one go. I had great trouble remembering all their names. But thru the weeks, seeing them enjoy lessons, laughing away to our lame and weird jokes. In retrospect, when I look back now, I got to say I may have failed to teach them well the signings due to what seem like their poor recall of many sign words =( However, something really encouraging to see is the passion instilled within many of their hearts. Maybe passion is more important? because passion becomes a self drive to further oneself in the pursuit of whichever he/she is chasing. And as how I grew up in HiClub thru a burning passion that helped me learn and grow exceedingly fast.

Class 1F, I hope this passion in all of you will help you to grow and exceed me in skills and beyond, I really see a lot of potential in you all! ^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving back, Intermediate. Truly, I really didnt enjoy intermediate to begin with. I kinda didnt like my class, and it was really boring to a point where I would actually think about skipping class. First few weeks were deteriorating to my fire for HiClub and I gave up on intermediate at one point. Had no interest in class at all, and didnt even bother taking notes. Haha in short, I kinda didnt learn my intermediate words ._. Well, at least after 4 lesson onwards, I begin to learn how to like my class and the people there. But I hope this wont be a dampener to my awesome instructor Cheryl and Jeremiah. Because ultimately, I really enjoyed intermediate in overall especially our closing ceremony performance.

Thanks piggy =P Don't so sad kay, you did a good job kay. Thanks for teaching me for two semesters, you noisy loud screaming squealing exaggerating hourglass and crazy piggy instructor lawlz. =D Oh but heh, I feel like repeating intermediate though, cos I missed out on most of the words which I havnt got to learn =(

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alrities moving on Basic B. Mine mine, Basic B was a big bore haha. Was taught by Cheryl Da Piggz again. HAHA nah joking, wasn't her fault. Well, kinda cos to me and timothy's passion for Hi Club, by the end of our first HiClub camp, we kinda mastered majority of the words in Basic B, about 80% =P Mostly entertained myself through random signings of word, making up wrong and fake signings for the fun of it HAHA. Song signing HMMM ok, firstly i wanted another song which I really enjoyed, timothy as well, but HEH the class out voted us and in the end, most of them didnt come =,= lousy poops. But yea lol, still awesome nonetheless, and at least I get to know Cheryl thru the class :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alrities, Basic A. Hm... the reason i joined HiClub was because I was impressed seeing someone sign a song. I decided to join HiClub alone and amazingly found some of my classmates in teh same club as well. My first instructor was Jeremy and Lina, and whoohoo, Jeremy is like one of the most awesomest dudez ever in the club yea. Had one of the best signers in the club as my instructor. While my class was pretty quiet, my passion for sign language grew and grew. I actively learnt and find new words and through it, I kinda became one of the top few in the Basic A cohort of my batch. Impressive much ^^ Somehow, Hiclub became my life and I looked forward to it every week. My hands wouldn't stop moving and has stop since, ever always signing whenever I was free. Those were the days when I was young and silly hahax ^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, I think it's quite a poor statement of all my memories in Hiclub becos I'm blogging this halfway in class but yea, I hope this serves and a landmark to remind me of one of my most prominent parts of my life ever in the Poly years and passion ^^

But yea, I wanna continue improving myself and HiClub, gotta cherish and make greater use of my 1.5 years left =)

Labels: ,


Breaking Limitations
Tuesday, August 3, 2010

It's back into the topic of facades again. I'm in a transition of change again. Once again, I'm different now. Maybe a little more annoying, a little nicer, a little more retarded, a little more smarter, but one thing I could say, I definitely more me.

Since deciding against the use of facades, I have long started my journey of intense negative sanctions both by social norms and my own mistakes. Making things short, I'm towards the refining of myself of what's needed and what's might not.

Presenting back to the basis, I feel towards the need to be one self, too long too much, have we humans been conforming to the norm of society. True enough, these norms are what keep order and the prevention of mass chaos. But on the other hand, if mishandled, these norms become stumbling blocks to an individual.

The world is gifted with varieties of diverse culture and through the americanization of dominant world power, cultures everywhere are slowly losing their uniqueness and becoming a unified whole. Take a look at Singapore, how much of it's heritage has been lost. The generation today is closer to western influences as to their roots. Many claim this to be a good thing but heh, seriously? Can people not see how much life seems so much comfortable at the expense of one's cognitive health? People today, crudely speaking, are a bunch of narcissistic, emo bunch of people who care mostly for themselves before others. Judgmental much, but I don't really like the way the world is moving, and Singapore being my home, isn't where I want that to go. So much of Singapore morals have been degrading, and problems rising, what is it going be like in a decade more?

Moving back to social norms that influences the being of one self. Why should it be socially unacceptable to be wacky, hurt, sad, childish, loud, talkative, and whichever traits the society deems as "no good". Too much have we been conforming to social desirability that so many of us, have lost our self. We put aside that which we are, and introject into ourselves traits we like of others. A pursuit of collective traits that people like. Some people even put unto themselves what others want of them, of limit them to be in a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecy.

So in the end, if one becomes slim, good-looking, humourous, and well, other traits which I have no bother to think off, gains the acceptance of everyone and yet is never satisfied with himself. What is the point of living, if we are just living under the facade of someone who's not even us.

Even then, many of people limit their potential due to these norms. Some people put off the idea of doing something on the account that people will disapprove of it. The potential of uniqueness from each and ever individual deserves to shine so much more than just fitting to become similar to everyone.

Well, on my argument, true enough, it sucks to be oneself only to be rejected by this norms. Heh, I would urge people to persevere. It's kinda having to find the people who will accept you for who you are. Besides, even if the world hates you, you wont having any regrets.

For clarification, I would think that being oneself ought to include everything of that individual, flaws, strengths, fears, personalities and from there, slowly sift out those that are desirably well for the soul. And from there, we grow. Make mistakes and learn. Obviously being yourself doesn't mean you vent your anger on everyone that pisses you off, but it is to face up to your anger, acknowledge it, and refine it into something that's good.

I think the support has to come from two ends though. We as the community need to be less judging as well. an example would be the expression of someone crying. If he/she is truly expressing the grief or hurts in a genuine form of sadness, that so be it. There shouldn't be any wrong in crying out. In fact, I think its a sign of strength, because it goes to show that you're brave enough to face up to yourself. On the other hand, if one is just making a whine out to gain attention, then such actions should not be reinforced, but maybe, in a non judging way, provide the attention in another non negative behaviour such as friendship and stuff.

Much of this is unplanned through hence the poorly written concept but well to end it off, I also would say everything should have a proper balance to it. There are times to show, there are times to hide, but that doesn't mean we should wear a mask for everything we do.

Break limitations, Live free

Labels:


Chronicles of D-to-fire
Sunday, August 1, 2010

I think there probably is a million and one things I wished I could express here with the help of a high tech mind reading devices that translate thoughts into binary codes. A pity, but I guess I'll spend the day slowly, penning everything down if possible, and post them up in scheduled timings.

Part 1 of Life.

It's been 8 weeks spent as an instructor for Hi Club. Having my own class to guide, teach and nurture was one of the most meaningful thing ever. Looking back into my past as I first stepped into my class, learning my first lesson, and eventually catching on the flame of Hi Club.

It's my turn to spread it, and having a class of my own, the biggest one in fact. It wasn't a easy feat at all, managing the biggest class of the year, and maybe perhaps of Hi Club's history of a nice record number of 37? Around there :)

Starting was really hard to get the engine going. People wouldn't turn up for class, can't remember the words, you know, this and that. And I realized that, learning sign language was that easy to many people as compared to me. Well, I did had that special knack for it, haha, it was like my calling.

Adapting along the way to meet the needs of the class, dishing out lame and funny jokes to lighten up the atmosphere, only to be met with an awkward silence. Had to follow that up with some wacky behaviours of mine, which well was kinda me in the first place. Amidst the little chuckles here and there, I'm sure they did enjoyed every bit of it.

Dividing my attention between an average of 25 people or more was insanely hard, being a first time teacher. I could barely focus on a single individual long enough to examine their skills. Yet, it was quite heartwarming to see all the smiles and cheerful faces bursting with enthusiasm. Many of them had the potential to develop much better, perhaps stumped by the low attention we can provide to a single student.

Over the weeks, I dreaded each thursday where instructing would be on, but yet in a contrary setting, the moment I stepped into class, I couldn't wait to see them all once again. They were like my fruit of labour, and seeing them flourish bit by bit was one of the best experiences ever.

Our lack of time hindered us severely, pushing back our formation practice till the end of the term. My worries were further added by the irregulars of the class and some of the students not being able to recall the signings of words.

The formation for our performance had to fit the movement of 30 people, all having a share of the limelight and was terribly hard to plan at first. But a bit of brain-mashing and annoying screams of anxiety, the formation was up, with a really awesome ending. When my students saw it, their jaws dropped, not from the sheer coolness of it, but the messy looking movements that was simple by an individual's movement forming a complex looking whole. Difficulties aside, my class pulled off the formation in just 1 hour of practice. Heh, that's what cha get for having an awesome class.

Moving forward, a day before the big event, my class made it well at the rehearsals. A bit of tweaks needed here and there, and having 3 students pop by at the last minute to join us. I kinda found out their enthusiasm and liking for us instructors when they decided to sit it for my own performance practice, calling out my name as the curtains drawn with the music. These group of people, that I invested my sweat and blood into, were now here in full support. I smiled so much I stood there dazed.

A day tomorrow; the big day. Had to rush about preparing the props and stuff, and there I had my class practicing on their own. When the ceremony started, yet again, their voices filled the theatre with their cheers upon my introduction.

Getting to see them perform, the final fruit of everything that has happened during 8 weeks. Seeing them proud of their own song, moving along the seemingly complicated formation, ending out with an long ovation from the crowd. That fulfillment and celebration of the final step cross the finishing line. Earning the crowd's adoration from the surprise ending of "1F" figure, I could just run out there and scream and hug everyone of them if not for social standards.

Even as my performance begun, their cheers filled my heart with so much joy and excitement, that want to do better. Their support moved the crowd as the audience laughed at our little jokes during the drama. Without them, I'm sure the performance will never have the same impact.

The final closing of the ceremony, the class came together and we stood around exchanging words, my fanatical cries of how much I loved them so. We even got gifts from the students. A bit of hugs here and there, the option to say bye came. Yet, the class stayed on, none willing to say goodbye, but of course, neither did we instructors. Things couldn't just end like that.

Well, in the end, a dinner was arranged for everyone to meet again, followed by a promise, that I would move on to Basic B in a bid to see them again. I simply love my class. You guys gave so much to me, even words written on the TOA fail to express how much and great you guys are to me.

I love you Class 1F Sem 1 '10

Labels: ,