Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.

You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.

Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.

Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?

Labels: EMO, life, qq

Labels: EMO, heart, Me, thoughts

I feel like running away, leaving everything behind for good.

I'm tired of being strong and keeping myself together. I wish I could be the one who's taken care of instead. I'd really like to be. But then I ask myself, "Why must everything be about me?" and I tell myself to keep it together for just bit more.

I'm reaching a bursting point in my life. Again and again, I feel the urge to be the complete screwed up mess and let loose. I'm so tired of fighting the monster within, suppressing it. A part of me cares, another part of me fears. Spotting the frequent outbursts to the people around, it only feels right if I keep myself away from others. I don't want to hurt or affect others. The other half that fears, I don't know what to do with it. I really desire to just be me, allow the other half of me to live. Flawed, crazy, messed up, immatured, aggressive. But will anyone stay?

I hate myself really, the person that I am. Whatever I do, it still traces back to that mess inside. No matter what I do, where I go, whoever I meet, I still am that selfish person. I want to escape this, run away from the whole mess that I am. So I don't have to suffer, and neither does anyone have to in my place.

What if, just what if, I stopped trying and let things be, how would life be?

Labels: EMO, life, thoughts

It was meant as a joke, but it struck a thought in my head.

What if they wouldn't come to a good end?

Labels: EMO

Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.



Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.

"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

Labels: EMO, frenz

"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."

It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.

Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.

And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.

I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.

I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.

As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?

Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.

Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.

Maybe it’s time to pack up and go home.

Labels: EMO, heart

I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.

Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.

I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.

Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.

I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.

Labels: EMO, Me

Sometimes that's what I feel. I know I'm not perfect, yet I'm trying so hard to fight for things, and there's always so much resistance. From you, from my flaws. And it ends up I taking your burdens as mine, worrying about things beyond me. Yet I cant help but feel afraid and concern for you. I hate to see what you've become, but my care is of little regards to you. It's not like me trying my best helps, not like worrying for you helps, not even going all the way out beyond myself.

Right now, I'm just so worn out with everything. One failure after another. And for you, I don't know, I don't know what I can do to make things right. I hate how things have to be this way. How everything have developed. I've changed; you've changed. I'm human too, while love to meant to last, facing the same problem day in and day out with seemingly little progress takes its toll. But lol, now I bet it feels like I'm dropped you or something, heh, probably all my fault again. Hais.

Still love you, as a person, but just so tired from all the hoohaa and endless chasing. Don't know what exactly you want inside you anymore. Really wish we dont have to spend January like we did last year.

I wanna be me and be cared for too, but seems like everyone's down. Gotta be strong for others, my time will come =)

Labels: EMO, qq, thoughts

Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.







Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

Labels: EMO, heart, qq, thoughts

What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.

I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.

Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?

I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?

Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.

I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.

As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.

Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.

What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.





For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.

And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.

The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.

I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.

Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.

And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.

The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.



Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.

And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.

Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.

Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts

Always wanted to write about this, though too lazy to. But now it ought to serve as a memory, a reminder.

It's gonna be a honest post, something I'm ashamed of, but something I'll admit.

It's been weighing on my mind for long since I remembered. Learnt a new part of it some time back, trying to put into action, but perhaps a week too late for the change.


Maybe a bit of my history first. The family I grew up in, wasn't the most conducive. I didn't face any physical or financial difficulty, but it lacked greatly on the emotional and psychological aspects. My father was absent at a young age, and conflicting issues with my mom and brother rendered me a lone individual in the family. One might find it hard to fully comprehend, but truly for me, it was as though I grew up without a family.

I learnt to survive by protecting myself, defending my grounds at all costs. Living mostly a solitary life in my family, it resolved to a nulled concept of familial bonds. Even in hiding, I still yearned the affections of a family, or some kind of bond that translated some form of care from another being.

What I couldn't get inside, I sought outside. From friends and the people around me. But in the course of it, my messed up self caused more trouble than it found good. My deep longing developed into an insatiable hunger for affection, at the same time my honed defense mechanisms kept people at a safe zone. Its combined forces became what many knew me in the past as an annoying attention seeking brat in which was curbed when my best friend left me for that.

Everything inside me caved in, locking me in a rubble of regret, remorse and guilt. I remained isolated for a few years resurfacing later, but becoming hypersensitive to being a nuisance. Yet because I only grew up with aggressive methods, the only way I knew how to relate to people was through mean jokes and words, and finding comfort through their retorts.


One major issue that haunted me still was her. My desire never once died, growing into a monster inside. I always yearned for her affections, her touch, her acknowledgement, her care, her protection. My mom. And then I always hunted elsewhere from my family.

For that reason, I had a special attraction to females, an innate yearning of affection from them, transduced from the maternal bond I seek. I feared them as a revision of the past, yet wished for someone to be able to fill in those shoes.

Despite knowing no one girl would possibly do that, my inner demon manifested strongly in its pursuit. Once I gotten the hang of it, I began searching every possibility, leaving not a single rock unturned. Hence, creating a lot of destructive relationships with people.

Of all I knew, most things would go either two ways. The worser one was me moving on after feeling like it wasn't meeting my needs. And the second, was running away when I knew it could. In both, majority of the friendships would end by a certain marker, either by fear or by satiation.

Knowing this, I began trying to change this path into a personal touch, rather than a lustrous searching. Divert the search into a hope for possible friendships, untainted as it could be.

Yet at the same time, it colluded with the makings of disaster, with now a mixture of sudden genuineness, a search for affections, and a playful nature of making friends clashing with fears of losing, being a burden and causing hurts together with my inaptitude for building proper relationships. The complicated cocktail results in a bittersweet aftertaste.

I guess I became the one I hated. Did things out of my own selfish ambitions. Made wrong moves on people. Hurt those I shouldn’t have. Forgot those I should have held on to. Not sure how many times I’ve done this wrong. It’s keeps playing in my head, all these interactions with girls, the annoying seal that drives me to it, yet the weakness of fighting back these emotions.

I’m a product of my past, but I will shape my future. Whatever it is, that I have made myself to be, I'll change it. I'm trying hard to regulate it now, holding back at some, watching.I've made this mistakes too many, and often consciously letting it slip. Cant keep giving in to these emotions. Need to stand up to what's right, even if it means laying down my heart. I need to stop doing this.



As timothy adeptly put it, what I’m probably searching for is an elder sister. After all, I’m desperately searching for a nurturing maternal care; it doesn’t help to look for it in people around in affectionate ways. I need someone to love me, and then teach and guide me how to. Someone who can teach me family. A miracle bond without all these Freudian urges. It sucks to be ‘strong’. I wonder if I’ll ever find her. Pity I’m the seniors now. Maybe uni. Maybe next time. Maybe never.

I wish too that I can have friends, and that we can be happy. At least now I know what I've been searching for, and I can cherish my friends around me more.




When you wrote about priorities and options, I knew it what would be coming soon. This issue would one way or another dig its way up.

I’m guilty of the fact the way I treat you, forget you, and maybe even treat you like an option. Going to you when I feel like it, forgetting when it matters less. And then when I try to make things up, I either forget, do a sloppy job or end up diverting to myself again. I fear not being good enough, and my hesitation has been like mood switches for you, passionate one moment, pulling back the next.

At least one of the many joyous moments I have with you is when we’re both being friends. For a matter I don’t know how to describe, but all those times where I can let my guard down, knowing you’re fine and simply enjoy the time. I often thank you for it because I really appreciate those meaningful experiences. It feels so unreal whenever I have to be on high vigilance not knowing what goes on next with you.

And for one reason why I succumb to those fears. I find myself being ever too screwed up, with so much emotional baggage, it doesn’t feel right for be to in a close relationship to anyone. I feel that I keep hurting you, dragged you down into this. Feel that you don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially not from someone like me.

You know, I need assurance too, that things are really going to be fine. Because all I’ve known is the bad I’ve done, wrong I’ve made. Hardly ever any praise, thanks, affirmation or anything nice that rings. I'm not even certain of anything well I've done for you. Sometimes, I feel like a obstacle to you rather, seeing the big difference when i'm there and when I'm not, things seems less awkward and easier for you. To me, the frequency of awkwardness and heartbreaks outnumber, outscores, overshadows the smiles and happy moments. I wonder if its true... But who I am I to speak when I cant give you a sense of assurance either. If liking someone means making them happy, and I've failed to even provide you with that, then I dont deserve your affections.

Maybe you’re better off hating me, if it frees you from having your heart broken over and over again by me. I’m not worth it. I'm really sorry.

Labels: EMO, heart, life, Me, qq, thoughts

The pain is so unbearable yet it doesn't kill. Why did such agony ever exist? I wished you'll stop. You wished I'll stop. Perhaps you've taken my strength for granted. One day, it might fail me. I dont know how much longer I can carry this.

Maybe it's my destiny, a life where everything I hold dear, comes at a slight, before disappearing forever. I don't know what to believe, and I don't know what to hold on to anymore. Maybe, I never had a right to anything. All these I thought were miracles, were merely samples of life, mocking me, giving me a whiff of its ecstatic feel, and then drop me when I'm at the peak of my hopes.

Family. Friends. People. Love.

What if none of them were real to begin with...?

Labels: EMO, heart

Ok, I didn't think of it this way, and I'm not diffusing the blame, but its just that wow. it's my fault again.

This time when I said they left, I thought pretty sure It wasn't me who left this time. Guess what, now it's me who chased them away. Bummer.

Really. To all of you who said I'm a good friend, complimented me on the person I am, told me that I was good. Were you all sure you know who you were saying those words to? All of you. Everyone. Telling me, I'm good, I'm a friend. That failing is nothing. Sure. I understand your intentions. And i'm grateful.

But from now on. Stop telling me I'm a friend. I gave it up once, and you ppl gave me that hope, and right now again, I failed. Clearly it shows I don't deserve the status as a friend. And for all those that thinks im some great person, you just havent seen me enough, or know me better.

This has been going on and on like since forever. Each time I continue to try, I only fail again, and end up hurting people. Edison failed 1000 times before he got the lightbulb yes, but that's only because he finally invented the lighbulb. Imagine if he never did came around it, imagine if he stopped at 999 or 1999, or that thru his whole life, he never got it working. Would he be as recognised and know for the bulb as if he succeeded. These people are known only because they succeeded. No one tells you stories of people trying over and over and over again but never worked anything out. Most of them are known as fools. Like me.

You keep telling me, I’ve my good. But so what, I’ve done harm as well, and more. You say you wanna get people to say out my good, why don’t you try getting them to point out my bad, and we see which amounts to more. Even if you can get a high score of the list of good, it only proves one thing; all the more I should stay around from others. Because it’s always the people that’s closer that gets hurt by me.

I don't want to keep hurting people. Thus far, everyone that has gotten close enough to me has bled already, and hence I keep majority of the people at a distance. Even the nicest & most loving person I've ever met, the one who reached deepest into my heart, is still hurting nonetheless. It's always them giving in to me. Making do with the way I am. Yet I'm never strong enough for any of them. It isn't fair for them. Some many good people, getting some kind of shithead like me, they don't deserve it really.

I want to change. I really want to. I don't know how to. And those which I know, I somehow cant. I've caused more pain to those I love than joy. You know. I had enough of this. I had enough of me hurting people. I had enough of me thinking I'm good in any way. I had enough of false hopes thinking I can do it. Just forget everything ok. Forget me.

At least, by keeping everyone at a safe distance, they get my good parts and not any of my bad. If I only learn how to kill myself from inside, then no one will be hurt by me. I'll only have to die, and there wont be any more pain. No one else will have to hurt if they never know me. Then I can just be a shadow, doing things for others. All without the pain.

I'm sorry for whatever wrong I did that chased you all away. Maybe it's a good thing. Don't come back and you wont have to be hurt. Yea, go away, everyone of you. Just leave me be.

God, maybe this would seem like an insult to you, but why, why am I someone that brings so much trouble and hurts to the people around me. Why cant I just be someone good, decent, someone that will bless others. Or if not, why cant I just stop being me, become purely selfless, and have no focus on me. I don't mind being a robot if it's for blessing others. But, why, why must I be a human?

And to all those who cared and gave me chances. Thanks for being my friends. Thanks for giving me that privilege of friendship, thanks for accepting me. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for allowing me the sweet bliss of friendship. Sorry for not appreciating you, sorry for not remembering you, sorry for not reciprocating, sorry for giving you trouble.

I appreciate your intentions, but... Stop. Stop telling all those nice words, they don't mean a thing if you haven't seen the whole of me. I'm not worth it either. I'm not fit to be anyone's friend.

Goodbye all.

Labels: EMO, frenz, Me

It’s supposed to be a day of celebration, yet I’m troubled by much. Much that I wish I could express, but I got to hold in it for my people’s good. Maybe someone will know of these, maybe none. But as painful as it will be, I’ll have to make another sacrifice then… I hate it, that heart-piercing pain, when there’s a big stake pressed down on my chest. It hurts so much, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Why, ok maybe I’m being selfish by wanting to know, but I really dunno how else to support. I’m not strong enough to blindly stay there and wait. I know I suck, I’m not sensitive enough, I dun say the right words or ask the right questions. I don’t capture the right feelings and much of what I do doesn’t really mean much to you all. In fact, I don’t make a good support at all; I dunno how to. But hais, I wish none of you would do this to me. Owells, it takes a lot of effort for me to do that, but then again, perhaps you all have your own difficulties too. Who am I to complain about myself? Do what suits you. I can’t promise I’ll be there for you, but I promise to do the best my heart can give. I’ll just stay around and fight as best as I can, somehow. I’m used to it anyway. My efforts are too pathetic for the concern of any. So yea, just give me a smile to let me know when you’re better. Thanks.

Well it isn’t fair for me to say you wasn’t there for me. I believe you did what you could, whether or not I knew it or appreciated it. Guess it’s also time I learn to stop relying on you and stand on my own two feet. Like you, I found support around thankfully, and managed to pull through. Thanks for being there for me through out everything. I'll learn to hold my fort for now and stop piling on you unnecessary burdens. As for you, I’m not sure how else to support you, I’m just not capable enough, I’m sorry for being useless, and failing to live up to what I promised you. I can only leave you in her hands; I believe she’ll be the one for you. And as for whatever that wont be reaching my ears, I hope you’ll keep yourself well for doing what’s right. When you said I was going to be disappointed, I said I was used to it. Well, it was out to spite you. but yea, This is the first time we’ve been like that. I tried, a few times. I don’t know what’s going on, I wish you’d tell me, but if so, then owells. It hurts, to be honest, but I take faith that you have your reasons, maybe something more important, something I don’t and wont understand. Just hope you’ll be fine… God be with you wherever you go, whatever you face.

And you… maybe what I did was wrong. Maybe I neglected you. I’m sorry. I tried talking to you, showing concern in the best way I can, but once again. I’m just not good enough. I hope you’ll be well, and you won’t have to bear any pain, if any, let it be on me. I should be the one responsible, it was my fault anyway. I hope I can still have my friendship with you as it is.

I’m grateful you gave me a chance. I’m sorry if I wasn’t good enough, not being there for you the right way even when you opened the door. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, I tried my best and I can only hope it helps. You’ve helped me a lot in these season, I only wish you’d have the same, but sorry for being such so weak. Sorry to be your misfortune. Thanks for all the feedback and support to improve me that has kept me going through the days. And if it be so, don’t risk opening your heart on me; I’m not worth the pain. Give the chance to someone who deserves it more.

And so here I am hurting over my incompetency once again. I can foresee people telling me not to give up, that I have my own goods and yea. But at the end of the day, when all I get is being pushed away by everyone, who am I to blame, them? I’ve tried as best as I can, really. I dunno why I face this problem everywhere. Its either them not opening or me being some loser. The latter that I can find more fault with. I tried, really. I know it’s small, meaningless & pathetic. I’ve tried as best as I can. I’ll probably make some good here and there, but yea, it still comes back down to me being a lousy friend, even though you all tell me I’m ok, I should be myself… It hurts every time I'm being pushed away, especially when because I'm not worth it. I don't know why, but it feels like suddenly, I'm alone again. As if they've left me for hiding, or to accomplish other things. Or maybe it's my fault again, some wrong I did unknowingly... Probably is, always has been.

I’m too weak to be anyone’s friend. No one deserves me. When best is never good enough. Sorry to everyone I've fail. I should stop causing others trouble...

But once again, God, please help me =/ I cant take this pain.

Labels: EMO, frenz, God, qq, thoughts, zx

Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.

You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.

Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.

Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?

Labels: EMO, life, qq

Labels: EMO, heart, Me, thoughts

I feel like running away, leaving everything behind for good.

I'm tired of being strong and keeping myself together. I wish I could be the one who's taken care of instead. I'd really like to be. But then I ask myself, "Why must everything be about me?" and I tell myself to keep it together for just bit more.

I'm reaching a bursting point in my life. Again and again, I feel the urge to be the complete screwed up mess and let loose. I'm so tired of fighting the monster within, suppressing it. A part of me cares, another part of me fears. Spotting the frequent outbursts to the people around, it only feels right if I keep myself away from others. I don't want to hurt or affect others. The other half that fears, I don't know what to do with it. I really desire to just be me, allow the other half of me to live. Flawed, crazy, messed up, immatured, aggressive. But will anyone stay?

I hate myself really, the person that I am. Whatever I do, it still traces back to that mess inside. No matter what I do, where I go, whoever I meet, I still am that selfish person. I want to escape this, run away from the whole mess that I am. So I don't have to suffer, and neither does anyone have to in my place.

What if, just what if, I stopped trying and let things be, how would life be?

Labels: EMO, life, thoughts

It was meant as a joke, but it struck a thought in my head.

What if they wouldn't come to a good end?

Labels: EMO

Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.



Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.

"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

Labels: EMO, frenz

"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."

It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.

Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.

And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.

I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.

I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.

As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?

Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.

Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.

Maybe it’s time to pack up and go home.

Labels: EMO, heart

I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.

Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.

I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.

Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.

I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.

Labels: EMO, Me

Sometimes that's what I feel. I know I'm not perfect, yet I'm trying so hard to fight for things, and there's always so much resistance. From you, from my flaws. And it ends up I taking your burdens as mine, worrying about things beyond me. Yet I cant help but feel afraid and concern for you. I hate to see what you've become, but my care is of little regards to you. It's not like me trying my best helps, not like worrying for you helps, not even going all the way out beyond myself.

Right now, I'm just so worn out with everything. One failure after another. And for you, I don't know, I don't know what I can do to make things right. I hate how things have to be this way. How everything have developed. I've changed; you've changed. I'm human too, while love to meant to last, facing the same problem day in and day out with seemingly little progress takes its toll. But lol, now I bet it feels like I'm dropped you or something, heh, probably all my fault again. Hais.

Still love you, as a person, but just so tired from all the hoohaa and endless chasing. Don't know what exactly you want inside you anymore. Really wish we dont have to spend January like we did last year.

I wanna be me and be cared for too, but seems like everyone's down. Gotta be strong for others, my time will come =)

Labels: EMO, qq, thoughts

Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.







Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

Labels: EMO, heart, qq, thoughts

What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.

I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.

Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?

I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?

Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.

I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.

As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.

Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.

What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.





For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.

And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.

The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.

I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.

Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.

And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.

The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.



Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.

And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.

Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.

Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts

Always wanted to write about this, though too lazy to. But now it ought to serve as a memory, a reminder.

It's gonna be a honest post, something I'm ashamed of, but something I'll admit.

It's been weighing on my mind for long since I remembered. Learnt a new part of it some time back, trying to put into action, but perhaps a week too late for the change.


Maybe a bit of my history first. The family I grew up in, wasn't the most conducive. I didn't face any physical or financial difficulty, but it lacked greatly on the emotional and psychological aspects. My father was absent at a young age, and conflicting issues with my mom and brother rendered me a lone individual in the family. One might find it hard to fully comprehend, but truly for me, it was as though I grew up without a family.

I learnt to survive by protecting myself, defending my grounds at all costs. Living mostly a solitary life in my family, it resolved to a nulled concept of familial bonds. Even in hiding, I still yearned the affections of a family, or some kind of bond that translated some form of care from another being.

What I couldn't get inside, I sought outside. From friends and the people around me. But in the course of it, my messed up self caused more trouble than it found good. My deep longing developed into an insatiable hunger for affection, at the same time my honed defense mechanisms kept people at a safe zone. Its combined forces became what many knew me in the past as an annoying attention seeking brat in which was curbed when my best friend left me for that.

Everything inside me caved in, locking me in a rubble of regret, remorse and guilt. I remained isolated for a few years resurfacing later, but becoming hypersensitive to being a nuisance. Yet because I only grew up with aggressive methods, the only way I knew how to relate to people was through mean jokes and words, and finding comfort through their retorts.


One major issue that haunted me still was her. My desire never once died, growing into a monster inside. I always yearned for her affections, her touch, her acknowledgement, her care, her protection. My mom. And then I always hunted elsewhere from my family.

For that reason, I had a special attraction to females, an innate yearning of affection from them, transduced from the maternal bond I seek. I feared them as a revision of the past, yet wished for someone to be able to fill in those shoes.

Despite knowing no one girl would possibly do that, my inner demon manifested strongly in its pursuit. Once I gotten the hang of it, I began searching every possibility, leaving not a single rock unturned. Hence, creating a lot of destructive relationships with people.

Of all I knew, most things would go either two ways. The worser one was me moving on after feeling like it wasn't meeting my needs. And the second, was running away when I knew it could. In both, majority of the friendships would end by a certain marker, either by fear or by satiation.

Knowing this, I began trying to change this path into a personal touch, rather than a lustrous searching. Divert the search into a hope for possible friendships, untainted as it could be.

Yet at the same time, it colluded with the makings of disaster, with now a mixture of sudden genuineness, a search for affections, and a playful nature of making friends clashing with fears of losing, being a burden and causing hurts together with my inaptitude for building proper relationships. The complicated cocktail results in a bittersweet aftertaste.

I guess I became the one I hated. Did things out of my own selfish ambitions. Made wrong moves on people. Hurt those I shouldn’t have. Forgot those I should have held on to. Not sure how many times I’ve done this wrong. It’s keeps playing in my head, all these interactions with girls, the annoying seal that drives me to it, yet the weakness of fighting back these emotions.

I’m a product of my past, but I will shape my future. Whatever it is, that I have made myself to be, I'll change it. I'm trying hard to regulate it now, holding back at some, watching.I've made this mistakes too many, and often consciously letting it slip. Cant keep giving in to these emotions. Need to stand up to what's right, even if it means laying down my heart. I need to stop doing this.



As timothy adeptly put it, what I’m probably searching for is an elder sister. After all, I’m desperately searching for a nurturing maternal care; it doesn’t help to look for it in people around in affectionate ways. I need someone to love me, and then teach and guide me how to. Someone who can teach me family. A miracle bond without all these Freudian urges. It sucks to be ‘strong’. I wonder if I’ll ever find her. Pity I’m the seniors now. Maybe uni. Maybe next time. Maybe never.

I wish too that I can have friends, and that we can be happy. At least now I know what I've been searching for, and I can cherish my friends around me more.




When you wrote about priorities and options, I knew it what would be coming soon. This issue would one way or another dig its way up.

I’m guilty of the fact the way I treat you, forget you, and maybe even treat you like an option. Going to you when I feel like it, forgetting when it matters less. And then when I try to make things up, I either forget, do a sloppy job or end up diverting to myself again. I fear not being good enough, and my hesitation has been like mood switches for you, passionate one moment, pulling back the next.

At least one of the many joyous moments I have with you is when we’re both being friends. For a matter I don’t know how to describe, but all those times where I can let my guard down, knowing you’re fine and simply enjoy the time. I often thank you for it because I really appreciate those meaningful experiences. It feels so unreal whenever I have to be on high vigilance not knowing what goes on next with you.

And for one reason why I succumb to those fears. I find myself being ever too screwed up, with so much emotional baggage, it doesn’t feel right for be to in a close relationship to anyone. I feel that I keep hurting you, dragged you down into this. Feel that you don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially not from someone like me.

You know, I need assurance too, that things are really going to be fine. Because all I’ve known is the bad I’ve done, wrong I’ve made. Hardly ever any praise, thanks, affirmation or anything nice that rings. I'm not even certain of anything well I've done for you. Sometimes, I feel like a obstacle to you rather, seeing the big difference when i'm there and when I'm not, things seems less awkward and easier for you. To me, the frequency of awkwardness and heartbreaks outnumber, outscores, overshadows the smiles and happy moments. I wonder if its true... But who I am I to speak when I cant give you a sense of assurance either. If liking someone means making them happy, and I've failed to even provide you with that, then I dont deserve your affections.

Maybe you’re better off hating me, if it frees you from having your heart broken over and over again by me. I’m not worth it. I'm really sorry.

Labels: EMO, heart, life, Me, qq, thoughts

The pain is so unbearable yet it doesn't kill. Why did such agony ever exist? I wished you'll stop. You wished I'll stop. Perhaps you've taken my strength for granted. One day, it might fail me. I dont know how much longer I can carry this.

Maybe it's my destiny, a life where everything I hold dear, comes at a slight, before disappearing forever. I don't know what to believe, and I don't know what to hold on to anymore. Maybe, I never had a right to anything. All these I thought were miracles, were merely samples of life, mocking me, giving me a whiff of its ecstatic feel, and then drop me when I'm at the peak of my hopes.

Family. Friends. People. Love.

What if none of them were real to begin with...?

Labels: EMO, heart

Ok, I didn't think of it this way, and I'm not diffusing the blame, but its just that wow. it's my fault again.

This time when I said they left, I thought pretty sure It wasn't me who left this time. Guess what, now it's me who chased them away. Bummer.

Really. To all of you who said I'm a good friend, complimented me on the person I am, told me that I was good. Were you all sure you know who you were saying those words to? All of you. Everyone. Telling me, I'm good, I'm a friend. That failing is nothing. Sure. I understand your intentions. And i'm grateful.

But from now on. Stop telling me I'm a friend. I gave it up once, and you ppl gave me that hope, and right now again, I failed. Clearly it shows I don't deserve the status as a friend. And for all those that thinks im some great person, you just havent seen me enough, or know me better.

This has been going on and on like since forever. Each time I continue to try, I only fail again, and end up hurting people. Edison failed 1000 times before he got the lightbulb yes, but that's only because he finally invented the lighbulb. Imagine if he never did came around it, imagine if he stopped at 999 or 1999, or that thru his whole life, he never got it working. Would he be as recognised and know for the bulb as if he succeeded. These people are known only because they succeeded. No one tells you stories of people trying over and over and over again but never worked anything out. Most of them are known as fools. Like me.

You keep telling me, I’ve my good. But so what, I’ve done harm as well, and more. You say you wanna get people to say out my good, why don’t you try getting them to point out my bad, and we see which amounts to more. Even if you can get a high score of the list of good, it only proves one thing; all the more I should stay around from others. Because it’s always the people that’s closer that gets hurt by me.

I don't want to keep hurting people. Thus far, everyone that has gotten close enough to me has bled already, and hence I keep majority of the people at a distance. Even the nicest & most loving person I've ever met, the one who reached deepest into my heart, is still hurting nonetheless. It's always them giving in to me. Making do with the way I am. Yet I'm never strong enough for any of them. It isn't fair for them. Some many good people, getting some kind of shithead like me, they don't deserve it really.

I want to change. I really want to. I don't know how to. And those which I know, I somehow cant. I've caused more pain to those I love than joy. You know. I had enough of this. I had enough of me hurting people. I had enough of me thinking I'm good in any way. I had enough of false hopes thinking I can do it. Just forget everything ok. Forget me.

At least, by keeping everyone at a safe distance, they get my good parts and not any of my bad. If I only learn how to kill myself from inside, then no one will be hurt by me. I'll only have to die, and there wont be any more pain. No one else will have to hurt if they never know me. Then I can just be a shadow, doing things for others. All without the pain.

I'm sorry for whatever wrong I did that chased you all away. Maybe it's a good thing. Don't come back and you wont have to be hurt. Yea, go away, everyone of you. Just leave me be.

God, maybe this would seem like an insult to you, but why, why am I someone that brings so much trouble and hurts to the people around me. Why cant I just be someone good, decent, someone that will bless others. Or if not, why cant I just stop being me, become purely selfless, and have no focus on me. I don't mind being a robot if it's for blessing others. But, why, why must I be a human?

And to all those who cared and gave me chances. Thanks for being my friends. Thanks for giving me that privilege of friendship, thanks for accepting me. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for allowing me the sweet bliss of friendship. Sorry for not appreciating you, sorry for not remembering you, sorry for not reciprocating, sorry for giving you trouble.

I appreciate your intentions, but... Stop. Stop telling all those nice words, they don't mean a thing if you haven't seen the whole of me. I'm not worth it either. I'm not fit to be anyone's friend.

Goodbye all.

Labels: EMO, frenz, Me

It’s supposed to be a day of celebration, yet I’m troubled by much. Much that I wish I could express, but I got to hold in it for my people’s good. Maybe someone will know of these, maybe none. But as painful as it will be, I’ll have to make another sacrifice then… I hate it, that heart-piercing pain, when there’s a big stake pressed down on my chest. It hurts so much, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Why, ok maybe I’m being selfish by wanting to know, but I really dunno how else to support. I’m not strong enough to blindly stay there and wait. I know I suck, I’m not sensitive enough, I dun say the right words or ask the right questions. I don’t capture the right feelings and much of what I do doesn’t really mean much to you all. In fact, I don’t make a good support at all; I dunno how to. But hais, I wish none of you would do this to me. Owells, it takes a lot of effort for me to do that, but then again, perhaps you all have your own difficulties too. Who am I to complain about myself? Do what suits you. I can’t promise I’ll be there for you, but I promise to do the best my heart can give. I’ll just stay around and fight as best as I can, somehow. I’m used to it anyway. My efforts are too pathetic for the concern of any. So yea, just give me a smile to let me know when you’re better. Thanks.

Well it isn’t fair for me to say you wasn’t there for me. I believe you did what you could, whether or not I knew it or appreciated it. Guess it’s also time I learn to stop relying on you and stand on my own two feet. Like you, I found support around thankfully, and managed to pull through. Thanks for being there for me through out everything. I'll learn to hold my fort for now and stop piling on you unnecessary burdens. As for you, I’m not sure how else to support you, I’m just not capable enough, I’m sorry for being useless, and failing to live up to what I promised you. I can only leave you in her hands; I believe she’ll be the one for you. And as for whatever that wont be reaching my ears, I hope you’ll keep yourself well for doing what’s right. When you said I was going to be disappointed, I said I was used to it. Well, it was out to spite you. but yea, This is the first time we’ve been like that. I tried, a few times. I don’t know what’s going on, I wish you’d tell me, but if so, then owells. It hurts, to be honest, but I take faith that you have your reasons, maybe something more important, something I don’t and wont understand. Just hope you’ll be fine… God be with you wherever you go, whatever you face.

And you… maybe what I did was wrong. Maybe I neglected you. I’m sorry. I tried talking to you, showing concern in the best way I can, but once again. I’m just not good enough. I hope you’ll be well, and you won’t have to bear any pain, if any, let it be on me. I should be the one responsible, it was my fault anyway. I hope I can still have my friendship with you as it is.

I’m grateful you gave me a chance. I’m sorry if I wasn’t good enough, not being there for you the right way even when you opened the door. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, I tried my best and I can only hope it helps. You’ve helped me a lot in these season, I only wish you’d have the same, but sorry for being such so weak. Sorry to be your misfortune. Thanks for all the feedback and support to improve me that has kept me going through the days. And if it be so, don’t risk opening your heart on me; I’m not worth the pain. Give the chance to someone who deserves it more.

And so here I am hurting over my incompetency once again. I can foresee people telling me not to give up, that I have my own goods and yea. But at the end of the day, when all I get is being pushed away by everyone, who am I to blame, them? I’ve tried as best as I can, really. I dunno why I face this problem everywhere. Its either them not opening or me being some loser. The latter that I can find more fault with. I tried, really. I know it’s small, meaningless & pathetic. I’ve tried as best as I can. I’ll probably make some good here and there, but yea, it still comes back down to me being a lousy friend, even though you all tell me I’m ok, I should be myself… It hurts every time I'm being pushed away, especially when because I'm not worth it. I don't know why, but it feels like suddenly, I'm alone again. As if they've left me for hiding, or to accomplish other things. Or maybe it's my fault again, some wrong I did unknowingly... Probably is, always has been.

I’m too weak to be anyone’s friend. No one deserves me. When best is never good enough. Sorry to everyone I've fail. I should stop causing others trouble...

But once again, God, please help me =/ I cant take this pain.

Labels: EMO, frenz, God, qq, thoughts, zx