Today's cell went well. But all glory to God. Too caught up preparing for my interview I didn't get to prepare for cell. And on the train ride back was thinking what I could do for cell. Didn't do a too good job last week, cos my head was in a mess.
Nearing bedok was getting worried about the lack of inspiration til finally got a brain blast. The topic was supposed to be on the motives of the heart. And came the idea of playing charades of bible characters.
The gestures used for to depict the characters often was something significant that represented them. And so at the end of the game, we ought to ask ourselves too, if our life were to be acted out, what would it be like? As men and women of God, what would be our story of faith be as it is told to the next generation?
In an analogy, a verse came to mind, Psalms 1 about the righteous, and had it to capture each of our current state.
Mine used to be one that stood tall and strong, a tree that provided shade and protection for the smaller trees around. And in its time, suddenly grew weak. withered leaves, dried out trunk, shriveled branches. And it just feels weird that I'm the weak one now, knowing there are other trees around me still.
However through it all, I can feel and know that God's working through me, tearing everything that's weak down to the roots, to be able to make place for a new one to grow, stronger, mightier and more powerful. I know I'll get through this.
Each night is getting more difficult, more lost in this empty world.
Every night I curl up wishing there'll be people around, someone to have the company with. Yet at the same I don't know how.
Things are becoming really hard. I'm not sure why, or how I got here. Fallen into a ditch. It's cold, lonely and sad down here. I'm thinking about myself, I'm thinking about people, it feels like I've lost everything suddenly.
I don't like this feeling at all. I wish I can stop holding on and fall into safe arms. Being too strong for way too long, I forgot what's it like to not be.
and I realize. I feel uncomfortable when people pursue me. And when I know they're serious and gonna invest in me I fear even more. Everything's cool till they start inching towards me, and then I get paranoid.
I feel like a bomb, something that'll hurt people the closer they are. And inside me, I run each time they try to come near. My inside cries out "Don't come near me."
I'd want to be normal like others, I wanna have friends. but no, I'm something that poses a danger, someone that will bring pain. And so I need to flee, so no one will get hurt. Sorry to the people I keep rejecting
I wish I can find someone safe from my harm, someone I can feel secured in. And that that he/she will take my hand and love me,
It was the second read it that stopped me in my tracks.
And I'm asking myself, has it reached to such an extent. Of hatred, of malice. Its cruel. Not sure if I should be angry or be sorry. The anger tempts me to play my better half of the game, but nothing good's gonna work out if I did that.I assure you if you intended for it, it will be there, but not because you made me feel this way, but because I chose to face my failures.
Do I even have a right to be angry in the first place. After all it is me that have caused you these much hurts. The constant neglect and other missing puzzles. Taking you for granted as the better man. Forgetting you when times are better, making you less of a priority. The pain would be beyond tolerance.
But no, not a toy. Never were a toy, whatever it was. You should know how much she means to me, yet I am unable to make her feel so. And similarly, i probably wont be able to make you feel it either. It doesn't help that my pathetic life cant prove your values to me. Nothing I do helps and I don't know what else to do. It seems that my efforts are trivial, definitely means no more in my eyes yours are than mine is to you. Sorry I'm too pathetic, I cant even make a simple friendship work out for you no matter how I try. I'll just do what I can, somehow.
You shouldn't expect anything out of me, cause there's nothing inside. Sometimes, I cant face you because I know I wont be able to fulfill what you want it to be. You don't deserve some like me anyway, someone unable to reciprocate your friendship. Guess i'm not cut out for it. It's your call. Pull the chute if you cant go on. I wont blame you.
Just a thin line away from losing all the trust,
but I'll keep it there just for the benefit of doubt.
Today was surely a platter of emotions of all waves.
Hope to glory in my weakness. Happiness from which came a chance. Gratitude for someone who came far out just for me. Sadness in coping with my failures. Anxiety from compliments indicating a possibility of good in me. Guilt in my wrongdoings. Fear from a presumed intention. Anger to beat it all back. Helplessness in not knowing what to do. Righteousness in keeping to what's right. Solitude in realizing the battle just got lonelier. Faith in the hopes of a miraculous future.
It's going to be one tough time ahead. Maybe after so long, it's time I stopped being so strong and allow myself to be weak and helped for once.
It seems there are people there, how many, how real I do not know, but I shall take the risk and jump. If I fall on hard ground, just a pity then. I'll let the future unfold by itself.
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
Curled up on the floor under the shower holding what's left in me, singing the words over and over again. I never felt so desperate and helpless yet struggling to keep my faith on Him who promises.
I not sure at all. I don't want to end up thinking it'll be well, and yet otherwise, knowing I could have done more. But desperation turns me back to You and I can only hope and hold strong to this promise. Please come to my rescue. I'm losing it. Please help me.
Countless "what if's" and scenarios kept playing in my mind. Don't want to ever lose you. Somehow in the midst of all these wavering emotions and unpredictable twists and turns, a part of me inside breaks and bleeds each time I think of you. Don't know what else to do in all these weaknesses. I desire in my heart so much to see you happy once again, to see you smile from within.
Guess I've lost it. Lost myself. Lost you. Lost him. Trying hard to hold everything together, for both of you. I'm trying hard to push myself to do more for the preciousness of these bonds I treasure. In my weakness I can only acknowledge the hurts and pains I've caused, sometimes watch helplessly as everything crumbles apart, so much so that an apology sounds so disgraceful coming from me. But at the end of everything, I love you. I really do.
sometimes I just don't know how. never really understood or felt loved either...
You know the times when we talk about our secondary school experiences. The way we talk about it as the past, as though unassociated to the present. We know the present to be life, something real and tangible, yet we perceive the past as a memory, like a dream once had. What they call as seasons in life makes it feel as though life was written in chapters, with clear distinctions in between marked by a clear title head. Would the perception of life differ if we view it as a continuous flow or when compartmentalized? I wonder of the current present that feels so real at the moment, the friends and family the joy and troubles...
...how would we see it, describe it, remember it, as we move on to our next phase.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Always wanted to write about this, though too lazy to. But now it ought to serve as a memory, a reminder.
It's gonna be a honest post, something I'm ashamed of, but something I'll admit.
It's been weighing on my mind for long since I remembered. Learnt a new part of it some time back, trying to put into action, but perhaps a week too late for the change.
Maybe a bit of my history first. The family I grew up in, wasn't the most conducive. I didn't face any physical or financial difficulty, but it lacked greatly on the emotional and psychological aspects. My father was absent at a young age, and conflicting issues with my mom and brother rendered me a lone individual in the family. One might find it hard to fully comprehend, but truly for me, it was as though I grew up without a family.
I learnt to survive by protecting myself, defending my grounds at all costs. Living mostly a solitary life in my family, it resolved to a nulled concept of familial bonds. Even in hiding, I still yearned the affections of a family, or some kind of bond that translated some form of care from another being.
What I couldn't get inside, I sought outside. From friends and the people around me. But in the course of it, my messed up self caused more trouble than it found good. My deep longing developed into an insatiable hunger for affection, at the same time my honed defense mechanisms kept people at a safe zone. Its combined forces became what many knew me in the past as an annoying attention seeking brat in which was curbed when my best friend left me for that.
Everything inside me caved in, locking me in a rubble of regret, remorse and guilt. I remained isolated for a few years resurfacing later, but becoming hypersensitive to being a nuisance. Yet because I only grew up with aggressive methods, the only way I knew how to relate to people was through mean jokes and words, and finding comfort through their retorts.
One major issue that haunted me still was her. My desire never once died, growing into a monster inside. I always yearned for her affections, her touch, her acknowledgement, her care, her protection. My mom. And then I always hunted elsewhere from my family.
For that reason, I had a special attraction to females, an innate yearning of affection from them, transduced from the maternal bond I seek. I feared them as a revision of the past, yet wished for someone to be able to fill in those shoes.
Despite knowing no one girl would possibly do that, my inner demon manifested strongly in its pursuit. Once I gotten the hang of it, I began searching every possibility, leaving not a single rock unturned. Hence, creating a lot of destructive relationships with people.
Of all I knew, most things would go either two ways. The worser one was me moving on after feeling like it wasn't meeting my needs. And the second, was running away when I knew it could. In both, majority of the friendships would end by a certain marker, either by fear or by satiation.
Knowing this, I began trying to change this path into a personal touch, rather than a lustrous searching. Divert the search into a hope for possible friendships, untainted as it could be.
Yet at the same time, it colluded with the makings of disaster, with now a mixture of sudden genuineness, a search for affections, and a playful nature of making friends clashing with fears of losing, being a burden and causing hurts together with my inaptitude for building proper relationships. The complicated cocktail results in a bittersweet aftertaste.
I guess I became the one I hated. Did things out of my own selfish ambitions. Made wrong moves on people. Hurt those I shouldn’t have. Forgot those I should have held on to. Not sure how many times I’ve done this wrong. It’s keeps playing in my head, all these interactions with girls, the annoying seal that drives me to it, yet the weakness of fighting back these emotions.
I’m a product of my past, but I will shape my future.Whatever it is, that I have made myself to be, I'll change it. I'm trying hard to regulate it now, holding back at some, watching.I've made this mistakes too many, and often consciously letting it slip. Cant keep giving in to these emotions. Need to stand up to what's right, even if it means laying down my heart. I need to stop doing this.
As timothy adeptly put it, what I’m probably searching for is an elder sister. After all, I’m desperately searching for a nurturing maternal care; it doesn’t help to look for it in people around in affectionate ways. I need someone to love me, and then teach and guide me how to. Someone who can teach me family. A miracle bond without all these Freudian urges. It sucks to be ‘strong’. I wonder if I’ll ever find her. Pity I’m the seniors now. Maybe uni. Maybe next time. Maybe never.
I wish too that I can have friends, and that we can be happy. At least now I know what I've been searching for, and I can cherish my friends around me more.
When you wrote about priorities and options, I knew it what would be coming soon. This issue would one way or another dig its way up.
I’m guilty of the fact the way I treat you, forget you, and maybe even treat you like an option. Going to you when I feel like it, forgetting when it matters less. And then when I try to make things up, I either forget, do a sloppy job or end up diverting to myself again. I fear not being good enough, and my hesitation has been like mood switches for you, passionate one moment, pulling back the next.
At least one of the many joyous moments I have with you is when we’re both being friends. For a matter I don’t know how to describe, but all those times where I can let my guard down, knowing you’re fine and simply enjoy the time. I often thank you for it because I really appreciate those meaningful experiences. It feels so unreal whenever I have to be on high vigilance not knowing what goes on next with you.
And for one reason why I succumb to those fears. I find myself being ever too screwed up, with so much emotional baggage, it doesn’t feel right for be to in a close relationship to anyone. I feel that I keep hurting you, dragged you down into this. Feel that you don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially not from someone like me.
You know, I need assurance too, that things are really going to be fine. Because all I’ve known is the bad I’ve done, wrong I’ve made. Hardly ever any praise, thanks, affirmation or anything nice that rings. I'm not even certain of anything well I've done for you. Sometimes, I feel like a obstacle to you rather, seeing the big difference when i'm there and when I'm not, things seems less awkward and easier for you. To me, the frequency of awkwardness and heartbreaks outnumber, outscores, overshadows the smiles and happy moments. I wonder if its true... But who I am I to speak when I cant give you a sense of assurance either. If liking someone means making them happy, and I've failed to even provide you with that, then I dont deserve your affections.
Maybe you’re better off hating me, if it frees you from having your heart broken over and over again by me. I’m not worth it. I'm really sorry.
I find myself withdrawing more than ever, in much contradiction to the increased sociable facade. The void is expanding, and it'll come a time where, they'll reach that sudden chasm, a bridgeless sight of the friendship. The more I yearn, the more I fear; the more I fear, the more I yearn. There's a confusion within whether to believe in faith and hold on, or to release them from the repercussion of my weakness. I don't want anyone hurt because of the way I am, all that weakness, and incompetency in maintaining basic relationships. I've watched us rise in endless joy and then suddenly plunging into a poignant abyss, some in reason of my being, and I wonder why I have to be like this. Strong on the outside for others, yet miserably weak on the inside for myself. I don't want them to change for me. I feel like they have done so much, gave so much, yet here I am, being a selfish fool and dwelling in my idealistic desires, neglecting that around me.
I wish I'll become a better person. I know I love my friends, I do. I just don't know how to go about loving people sometimes.Nobody's ever taught me how.
More than a club; I somehow find, you and I collide
Sunday, August 7, 2011
It the closing to another semester and another season. It felt different from what it used to be in the past, but then again there was still another special touch to it. The bonds that grew through the difficult times.
Preparing for this moment was awfully busy, having a clash of assignments and practices. Having to stay up through the final night to whip out a formation with joyo, pretty proud of what we come out with seriously =)
The loft stay was enjoyable, staying up through the nights either to chiong our studies or assignments. And with the frequent visits from the girls dropping by. Made the atmosphere a whole lot more communal. Love such moments where everyone can be together.
BBQ was pretty fun, seeing all the new faces. And a great deal of respect to Joyo for pulling this off, mostly with a lot of effort from himself. Kinda sad though I realized, that most of the seniors didnt belong anywhere, and we were just hanging around aimlessly. Similarly for me, i realized throughout the whole bbq, I had been running about, all over. Forgetting people, forgetting places. Should have just stayed in one place and relax.
Well, this marks the closure to another season. Friends, passion, experiences.I remembered during the night we left, sighing to myself of how everything was over.
Being trying recently, keeping in my things I ought to. Sometimes, I don't know why really. I dont know why I have issues remembering. I forget to tasks, words, things, and worse of all, people.
I'm trying. I know I want to do a lot, but those things just never get round my mind. Sometimes I wonder, is it just a genuine problem, or that I dont value you enough. I know you all mean something to me, but yet again, the logic of not remembering questions the genuineness and extent of your value to me.
Maybe no one mattered? Or that they do. Or maybe I'm used to being alone I find it hard to place another person in my bubble. Or that I dont want to give up the freedom of individuality. Sometimes I think of them only for a selfish reasons, maybe cos of a need.
I dont know. It just seems I'm not cut out for building relationships or sorts.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Today's cell went well. But all glory to God. Too caught up preparing for my interview I didn't get to prepare for cell. And on the train ride back was thinking what I could do for cell. Didn't do a too good job last week, cos my head was in a mess.
Nearing bedok was getting worried about the lack of inspiration til finally got a brain blast. The topic was supposed to be on the motives of the heart. And came the idea of playing charades of bible characters.
The gestures used for to depict the characters often was something significant that represented them. And so at the end of the game, we ought to ask ourselves too, if our life were to be acted out, what would it be like? As men and women of God, what would be our story of faith be as it is told to the next generation?
In an analogy, a verse came to mind, Psalms 1 about the righteous, and had it to capture each of our current state.
Mine used to be one that stood tall and strong, a tree that provided shade and protection for the smaller trees around. And in its time, suddenly grew weak. withered leaves, dried out trunk, shriveled branches. And it just feels weird that I'm the weak one now, knowing there are other trees around me still.
However through it all, I can feel and know that God's working through me, tearing everything that's weak down to the roots, to be able to make place for a new one to grow, stronger, mightier and more powerful. I know I'll get through this.
Each night is getting more difficult, more lost in this empty world.
Every night I curl up wishing there'll be people around, someone to have the company with. Yet at the same I don't know how.
Things are becoming really hard. I'm not sure why, or how I got here. Fallen into a ditch. It's cold, lonely and sad down here. I'm thinking about myself, I'm thinking about people, it feels like I've lost everything suddenly.
I don't like this feeling at all. I wish I can stop holding on and fall into safe arms. Being too strong for way too long, I forgot what's it like to not be.
and I realize. I feel uncomfortable when people pursue me. And when I know they're serious and gonna invest in me I fear even more. Everything's cool till they start inching towards me, and then I get paranoid.
I feel like a bomb, something that'll hurt people the closer they are. And inside me, I run each time they try to come near. My inside cries out "Don't come near me."
I'd want to be normal like others, I wanna have friends. but no, I'm something that poses a danger, someone that will bring pain. And so I need to flee, so no one will get hurt. Sorry to the people I keep rejecting
I wish I can find someone safe from my harm, someone I can feel secured in. And that that he/she will take my hand and love me,
It was the second read it that stopped me in my tracks.
And I'm asking myself, has it reached to such an extent. Of hatred, of malice. Its cruel. Not sure if I should be angry or be sorry. The anger tempts me to play my better half of the game, but nothing good's gonna work out if I did that.I assure you if you intended for it, it will be there, but not because you made me feel this way, but because I chose to face my failures.
Do I even have a right to be angry in the first place. After all it is me that have caused you these much hurts. The constant neglect and other missing puzzles. Taking you for granted as the better man. Forgetting you when times are better, making you less of a priority. The pain would be beyond tolerance.
But no, not a toy. Never were a toy, whatever it was. You should know how much she means to me, yet I am unable to make her feel so. And similarly, i probably wont be able to make you feel it either. It doesn't help that my pathetic life cant prove your values to me. Nothing I do helps and I don't know what else to do. It seems that my efforts are trivial, definitely means no more in my eyes yours are than mine is to you. Sorry I'm too pathetic, I cant even make a simple friendship work out for you no matter how I try. I'll just do what I can, somehow.
You shouldn't expect anything out of me, cause there's nothing inside. Sometimes, I cant face you because I know I wont be able to fulfill what you want it to be. You don't deserve some like me anyway, someone unable to reciprocate your friendship. Guess i'm not cut out for it. It's your call. Pull the chute if you cant go on. I wont blame you.
Just a thin line away from losing all the trust,
but I'll keep it there just for the benefit of doubt.
Today was surely a platter of emotions of all waves.
Hope to glory in my weakness. Happiness from which came a chance. Gratitude for someone who came far out just for me. Sadness in coping with my failures. Anxiety from compliments indicating a possibility of good in me. Guilt in my wrongdoings. Fear from a presumed intention. Anger to beat it all back. Helplessness in not knowing what to do. Righteousness in keeping to what's right. Solitude in realizing the battle just got lonelier. Faith in the hopes of a miraculous future.
It's going to be one tough time ahead. Maybe after so long, it's time I stopped being so strong and allow myself to be weak and helped for once.
It seems there are people there, how many, how real I do not know, but I shall take the risk and jump. If I fall on hard ground, just a pity then. I'll let the future unfold by itself.
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
Curled up on the floor under the shower holding what's left in me, singing the words over and over again. I never felt so desperate and helpless yet struggling to keep my faith on Him who promises.
I not sure at all. I don't want to end up thinking it'll be well, and yet otherwise, knowing I could have done more. But desperation turns me back to You and I can only hope and hold strong to this promise. Please come to my rescue. I'm losing it. Please help me.
Countless "what if's" and scenarios kept playing in my mind. Don't want to ever lose you. Somehow in the midst of all these wavering emotions and unpredictable twists and turns, a part of me inside breaks and bleeds each time I think of you. Don't know what else to do in all these weaknesses. I desire in my heart so much to see you happy once again, to see you smile from within.
Guess I've lost it. Lost myself. Lost you. Lost him. Trying hard to hold everything together, for both of you. I'm trying hard to push myself to do more for the preciousness of these bonds I treasure. In my weakness I can only acknowledge the hurts and pains I've caused, sometimes watch helplessly as everything crumbles apart, so much so that an apology sounds so disgraceful coming from me. But at the end of everything, I love you. I really do.
sometimes I just don't know how. never really understood or felt loved either...
You know the times when we talk about our secondary school experiences. The way we talk about it as the past, as though unassociated to the present. We know the present to be life, something real and tangible, yet we perceive the past as a memory, like a dream once had. What they call as seasons in life makes it feel as though life was written in chapters, with clear distinctions in between marked by a clear title head. Would the perception of life differ if we view it as a continuous flow or when compartmentalized? I wonder of the current present that feels so real at the moment, the friends and family the joy and troubles...
...how would we see it, describe it, remember it, as we move on to our next phase.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Always wanted to write about this, though too lazy to. But now it ought to serve as a memory, a reminder.
It's gonna be a honest post, something I'm ashamed of, but something I'll admit.
It's been weighing on my mind for long since I remembered. Learnt a new part of it some time back, trying to put into action, but perhaps a week too late for the change.
Maybe a bit of my history first. The family I grew up in, wasn't the most conducive. I didn't face any physical or financial difficulty, but it lacked greatly on the emotional and psychological aspects. My father was absent at a young age, and conflicting issues with my mom and brother rendered me a lone individual in the family. One might find it hard to fully comprehend, but truly for me, it was as though I grew up without a family.
I learnt to survive by protecting myself, defending my grounds at all costs. Living mostly a solitary life in my family, it resolved to a nulled concept of familial bonds. Even in hiding, I still yearned the affections of a family, or some kind of bond that translated some form of care from another being.
What I couldn't get inside, I sought outside. From friends and the people around me. But in the course of it, my messed up self caused more trouble than it found good. My deep longing developed into an insatiable hunger for affection, at the same time my honed defense mechanisms kept people at a safe zone. Its combined forces became what many knew me in the past as an annoying attention seeking brat in which was curbed when my best friend left me for that.
Everything inside me caved in, locking me in a rubble of regret, remorse and guilt. I remained isolated for a few years resurfacing later, but becoming hypersensitive to being a nuisance. Yet because I only grew up with aggressive methods, the only way I knew how to relate to people was through mean jokes and words, and finding comfort through their retorts.
One major issue that haunted me still was her. My desire never once died, growing into a monster inside. I always yearned for her affections, her touch, her acknowledgement, her care, her protection. My mom. And then I always hunted elsewhere from my family.
For that reason, I had a special attraction to females, an innate yearning of affection from them, transduced from the maternal bond I seek. I feared them as a revision of the past, yet wished for someone to be able to fill in those shoes.
Despite knowing no one girl would possibly do that, my inner demon manifested strongly in its pursuit. Once I gotten the hang of it, I began searching every possibility, leaving not a single rock unturned. Hence, creating a lot of destructive relationships with people.
Of all I knew, most things would go either two ways. The worser one was me moving on after feeling like it wasn't meeting my needs. And the second, was running away when I knew it could. In both, majority of the friendships would end by a certain marker, either by fear or by satiation.
Knowing this, I began trying to change this path into a personal touch, rather than a lustrous searching. Divert the search into a hope for possible friendships, untainted as it could be.
Yet at the same time, it colluded with the makings of disaster, with now a mixture of sudden genuineness, a search for affections, and a playful nature of making friends clashing with fears of losing, being a burden and causing hurts together with my inaptitude for building proper relationships. The complicated cocktail results in a bittersweet aftertaste.
I guess I became the one I hated. Did things out of my own selfish ambitions. Made wrong moves on people. Hurt those I shouldn’t have. Forgot those I should have held on to. Not sure how many times I’ve done this wrong. It’s keeps playing in my head, all these interactions with girls, the annoying seal that drives me to it, yet the weakness of fighting back these emotions.
I’m a product of my past, but I will shape my future.Whatever it is, that I have made myself to be, I'll change it. I'm trying hard to regulate it now, holding back at some, watching.I've made this mistakes too many, and often consciously letting it slip. Cant keep giving in to these emotions. Need to stand up to what's right, even if it means laying down my heart. I need to stop doing this.
As timothy adeptly put it, what I’m probably searching for is an elder sister. After all, I’m desperately searching for a nurturing maternal care; it doesn’t help to look for it in people around in affectionate ways. I need someone to love me, and then teach and guide me how to. Someone who can teach me family. A miracle bond without all these Freudian urges. It sucks to be ‘strong’. I wonder if I’ll ever find her. Pity I’m the seniors now. Maybe uni. Maybe next time. Maybe never.
I wish too that I can have friends, and that we can be happy. At least now I know what I've been searching for, and I can cherish my friends around me more.
When you wrote about priorities and options, I knew it what would be coming soon. This issue would one way or another dig its way up.
I’m guilty of the fact the way I treat you, forget you, and maybe even treat you like an option. Going to you when I feel like it, forgetting when it matters less. And then when I try to make things up, I either forget, do a sloppy job or end up diverting to myself again. I fear not being good enough, and my hesitation has been like mood switches for you, passionate one moment, pulling back the next.
At least one of the many joyous moments I have with you is when we’re both being friends. For a matter I don’t know how to describe, but all those times where I can let my guard down, knowing you’re fine and simply enjoy the time. I often thank you for it because I really appreciate those meaningful experiences. It feels so unreal whenever I have to be on high vigilance not knowing what goes on next with you.
And for one reason why I succumb to those fears. I find myself being ever too screwed up, with so much emotional baggage, it doesn’t feel right for be to in a close relationship to anyone. I feel that I keep hurting you, dragged you down into this. Feel that you don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially not from someone like me.
You know, I need assurance too, that things are really going to be fine. Because all I’ve known is the bad I’ve done, wrong I’ve made. Hardly ever any praise, thanks, affirmation or anything nice that rings. I'm not even certain of anything well I've done for you. Sometimes, I feel like a obstacle to you rather, seeing the big difference when i'm there and when I'm not, things seems less awkward and easier for you. To me, the frequency of awkwardness and heartbreaks outnumber, outscores, overshadows the smiles and happy moments. I wonder if its true... But who I am I to speak when I cant give you a sense of assurance either. If liking someone means making them happy, and I've failed to even provide you with that, then I dont deserve your affections.
Maybe you’re better off hating me, if it frees you from having your heart broken over and over again by me. I’m not worth it. I'm really sorry.
I find myself withdrawing more than ever, in much contradiction to the increased sociable facade. The void is expanding, and it'll come a time where, they'll reach that sudden chasm, a bridgeless sight of the friendship. The more I yearn, the more I fear; the more I fear, the more I yearn. There's a confusion within whether to believe in faith and hold on, or to release them from the repercussion of my weakness. I don't want anyone hurt because of the way I am, all that weakness, and incompetency in maintaining basic relationships. I've watched us rise in endless joy and then suddenly plunging into a poignant abyss, some in reason of my being, and I wonder why I have to be like this. Strong on the outside for others, yet miserably weak on the inside for myself. I don't want them to change for me. I feel like they have done so much, gave so much, yet here I am, being a selfish fool and dwelling in my idealistic desires, neglecting that around me.
I wish I'll become a better person. I know I love my friends, I do. I just don't know how to go about loving people sometimes.Nobody's ever taught me how.
More than a club; I somehow find, you and I collide
Sunday, August 7, 2011
It the closing to another semester and another season. It felt different from what it used to be in the past, but then again there was still another special touch to it. The bonds that grew through the difficult times.
Preparing for this moment was awfully busy, having a clash of assignments and practices. Having to stay up through the final night to whip out a formation with joyo, pretty proud of what we come out with seriously =)
The loft stay was enjoyable, staying up through the nights either to chiong our studies or assignments. And with the frequent visits from the girls dropping by. Made the atmosphere a whole lot more communal. Love such moments where everyone can be together.
BBQ was pretty fun, seeing all the new faces. And a great deal of respect to Joyo for pulling this off, mostly with a lot of effort from himself. Kinda sad though I realized, that most of the seniors didnt belong anywhere, and we were just hanging around aimlessly. Similarly for me, i realized throughout the whole bbq, I had been running about, all over. Forgetting people, forgetting places. Should have just stayed in one place and relax.
Well, this marks the closure to another season. Friends, passion, experiences.I remembered during the night we left, sighing to myself of how everything was over.
Being trying recently, keeping in my things I ought to. Sometimes, I don't know why really. I dont know why I have issues remembering. I forget to tasks, words, things, and worse of all, people.
I'm trying. I know I want to do a lot, but those things just never get round my mind. Sometimes I wonder, is it just a genuine problem, or that I dont value you enough. I know you all mean something to me, but yet again, the logic of not remembering questions the genuineness and extent of your value to me.
Maybe no one mattered? Or that they do. Or maybe I'm used to being alone I find it hard to place another person in my bubble. Or that I dont want to give up the freedom of individuality. Sometimes I think of them only for a selfish reasons, maybe cos of a need.
I dont know. It just seems I'm not cut out for building relationships or sorts.
Darren Nico Pillai
