Pencil: I'm sorry cos you get hurt because of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.
Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. :)
It's because I've always been searching for a special something in my life that it relates in the way how I maintain my relationships with people, often without a complete investment of the heart.
Though now I really want to learn to cherish the people around me. Stop looking and start holding. Still trying hard to reconfigure my unconscious and subconscious mental states.
At the same time, there's so many people I'd really love to keep in my life, though unfortunately I lack the ability to. Hope i'll be able to fully enjoy and appreciate all those around me for the moment. Don't want to brea any of their hearts by my ways, and the same time, slowly push myself to expand my limits.
The sun's out in the perfect spot, just enought light the surroundings with vibrant display of colours in a way that was rarely seen and appreciated. Seems like a start of a good day until a series of thunder starts booming in the background.
To what could have been the start of a great day, now ruined. or is it? Life often has it ups and downs, clear skies and dark clouds, sun and rain. Everyone of us goes through the same process, just from different situations and perspectives.
Often, while things are still good, people begin to worry about the bad that can happen. When the friendship would end, the chance of making another mistake, what others would think of them and all the other endless little concerns under the sun even before a single drop of rain has fallen.Some people worry so much about the end happening that by the time they got past worrying, its the end.
Rain doesnt always mean something bad. Sometimes it just means we have to find alternatives. Having to postpone outdoor trips, change of outing locations or plans, finding a alternate sheltered path to your destination. Life takes often detours, sometimes so we can learn new things, sometimes because we arent ready, sometimes for a special purpose.
The rain can be refreshingly fun, if we bring ourselves to enjoy it.
Have you ever wondered if the source of your unhappiness was yourself, because you choose to hold on to your past?
Happiness, or the lack of, comes from within. No one or thing can make you happy. It's only because you choose to allow yourself to be happy with those things.
Holding on so tightly to the past issues and hurts is what stops us from receiving the things we need to resolve them. It disables us to give out love, and to receive love from the people around us.
Imagine if all the years of your life you've spent in misery and unhappiness, was simply because you never allowed yourself to be?
An Obituary printed in the London Times: Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Upturn
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I feel happy tonight. It's been a really long time since I felt this way. Beginning to feel God in my life again, His peace and joy. After a good darn semester of straying away in my own strength, and finally deciding to turn back and it feels good, and really nice =)
Without God I wouldn't last. As far as it has been, all the ups is when im focused, and the downs when i lose focus. And downs doesn't refer to the bad times, its the time I feel so crappy and lose hope in everything.
I hope I can continue this. Don't want to lose sight again. I really miss where and what I used to be.
My feet all snugged up in the soft sand while looking out on the shore, watching all the happy faces splashing about in the water. The borders of waves distinctly separated the people into two entities. The ones already in the water, leaving those on land either preferably staying dry, or those yet to be preyed on and dragged to the other 'side'. It's been awhile since I swam and I wasn't thinking of getting wet. Most of them, had no intention either. But regardless the circumstances, without choice, those that shouldn't, wouldn't and couldn't swim, one by one they got dragged in to their fate. A fate most of us rejected strongly until swept away by a team of determined folks. Once our skin touched the water, we knew it was over.
The beauty was seeing how everyone embraced the water right after the few seconds of despair and struggle. In time, almost everyone who was caught in the arms of the Kraken was having fun in the water, as though they were naturally part of it. A extreme change of feelings that is. And it was as though whatever that held as back previously was now an unchangeable fact. We were wet, dirty, sticky and uncomfortable in all manners. And there's nothing we could change about that, well aside for our clothes, not that everyone brought extras anyway. It wasn't the usual state we'll be in, but still something tolerable, something, when made the most out of, becomes endlessly enjoyable.
“And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16 NKJV
Then I must have strayed far away, because everything that I know of now, feels least like abiding in God or Him in me. It's been half a year already, and thing's been really rough. I really wish this would end.
I've been holding on to this rock in my life for so long. It's the burdens I'm holding on to that stopping me from loving others, and receiving it. I've been guarding it, covering it with layer and layer of protection, calcifying the form of it. And now that it's become so heavy, it takes a great deal of effort to move it away, so that I can love others or to open myself.
And there's a great deal I'm trying to find in others, but they're things I'd never find, and thus I need to redirect all this energy into the true Source. Even though its intangible, it's there. Need to learn to let go.
Each night, the same feelings replay as if I was stuck in a time loop. Facing each day with a hope and resolve, and ending the nights feeling broken and like a failure. And heh, it's going again. Those missing blanks. Each time I talk to you, I'm anticipating another blank reply. Left in doubts and wild imaginations again. Hais. I really feel like quitting, quitting friendships once and for all, asking everyone to leave. I wished they'll stop liking me, taking an interest to want befriend me. I hate, I really hate, all those empty feelings I make them feel because of the way I am. Excuses it may be, I feel hell dam incompetent, trying to meet up to even basic expectations and requirements. I dont even know how to face him, being so unworthy, and now I doubt if I'll ever make it for her. Thank goodness I didn't try for him again, or not it'll just be another damaging false hope.
I'm spending more hours curled up in the toilet nowadays. Repeating a cycle of thinking for solutions, daydreaming and crying. In my fantasies, I'd love being all vulnerable again, and having people around hold me up, protect me, having the warmth of family bonds. But in reality, it feels like I'm a burden left in people's hearts, an empty promise, a false hope, toying with their gifts and trust of their hearts. And then this sharp pains pierces the heart so much, it feels like it shrivels. And then back again to thinking how I can do something to fix everything up.
During this season, the last thing I think I'd ever know is that feeling of being loved... for who I am, unconditionally accepted and embraced. But well, still trying hard to fit into what people want and hoped I'd be. It's not fully their fault I guess, even though it doesnt feel like I'm making mistakes out of bad choices, the mistake is most likely me, being incapable of fulfilling simple actions and feelings, trying to do and make things I can't, at the expense of others.. Somehow, I think I'm fighting this out for them, and not for myself anymore. There's nothing else I can have to fight for myself but just to change to something better.
And the difficult thing is, the way I am hurts them. Quitting the friendship hurts them as well, and I'm trapped in this endless pain I'm causing others. I wish it was possible, if I could wipe out every relationship and memory of me, walk into a new place, and start all over again. This time, I don't want to have to keep being strong anymore. Now it's like I just have to try my best to until either side gives up.
Emo this might be, but I have my weak sides too, vulnerabilities I have kept far too long. I'd fix this if I could. I wish I could. If there be any solution I'd like to try it. Curling up seems to be the only comfort I can find.
Today was a lovely day. Outing with HiClubbers to Sentosa and it really was a blast. Simply being able to let go of everything, statuses and differences and just chill out with a whole bunch of people. Pretty cool how everyone, except the strict no-no's got thrown, dragged, lugged, carried, tackled, bulldozed, into the sea one by one. It's like after screaming and resisting, once you're in the water, you'll eventually enjoy the water and then there's everyone in the water enjoying and swimming. The abrasions from the sand, the continuous laughter that fills the seashore.
I think if you could piece all the sounds made by friends together, it'll form this really lovely and beautiful melody. The joys of laughter, tears of pain, cheers of camaraderie, breaths of support, questions of concern, oh how they come together, in an unpredictable course of highs and lows yet perfectly orchestrated tune, with memories ringing in echoes. And I really love hearing that tune play over and over again.
Think personally, today had something special for me. Being asked some questions, being threatened (in a good way), haha, somehow touched me. Made me felt cared for, without me having to do something to earn it. Dont know. Haven't really felt this way for a long time, being vulnerable and thus listening and following what others say. I wish I could feel like that again haha. Somehow made me want to look out for them too, but perhaps it wouldn't last long either. Either way, wish I could thank those few people for allowing me to relive those feelings, but I'll probably be gutless to xD
Hoping alone is not enough to change things. There needs to be transformation.
Need to learn how to love people more, how to cherish them more.
Somehow I know they mean something to me, yet like a wandering spirit, I have little anchor points on what grounds me to people. They come and go in my mind, as though possibly with little value. And I guess you can't find security in the unpredictability of the wind. Maybe they don't mean enough to me, for me to just hold on to them like it's all I got.
I've never really been a sturdy anchor. The kind that when it comes to mind, I'll do, and when it doesn't, I'll forget. There isn't a consistency in my relationships.
I know I used to keep searching for something and hence neglected people. But since then, I have kept to what I have, doing things to cherish those around me.
But I realize, in a great part of my life, I still lack love. That genuine love that springs forth naturally as you've put it. Something's lacking. It's like despite all the good knowledge and actions of altruistic selfless, I lack the heart for it. Somehow somewhere I just doesnt feel like the full extent and outreach of love I know I should be feeling. It feels so human. And so, no matter how nice, good, impactful I am, the truth remains that without love, I'll be nothing just as I am now, still an empty soul.
Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
And though I have an undying hope that pulls me up and a rooted faith in the sovereignty of God, I somehow can only say, I have not yet known love.
For as much as I have relentlessly sought it, maybe it's time I went back to the roots, the calmness in chaos, the peace in strife, the strength in weakness, the grace in lack, the forgiveness in guilt, the love in emptiness.
"God is love" as written in John. and if I don't know love, I dont know God. And I because don't know God, I don't know love.
It's time. I'll need to do something about myself for once. I need to set my heart right. I need transformation.
God please teach me, and open my heart and show me how to love. As I'll learn to look to you, draw me closer to you.
Learnt a really interesting analogy today. It expresses the attitudes that many of us have.
A child is in a dark room, and he tells his mother he wants to see light, and so the mom tells him, go on the switch and you'll see light. The child refuses, saying, "No way. Until I see the light then I'll turn on the switch."
Quite like many of us, don't you think?
We'd want, like, or desire to see something happen, change or come to pass. Yet many of us are unwilling to take the necessary step to do it. We often ask ourselves, why, why do we have to be one to make the first step. But as in the analogy, the law of electricity requires the switch to be turn on by an effort which in turns closes the circuit allowing electricity to pass through, thereby allowing light to be present.
Perhaps we feel that shouldn't be made to turn on that switch, but then in what position do we then deserve to demand to see light. We wanna see the results before we decide whether we'll be turning that switch.
Kinda foolish isn't it, but that's what we all are.
Turn on my computer all ready to enter my realm of nothingness and then after 5 min of typical routine through facebook, twitter, daily sites, blogs and whatnot, that feeling of emptiness and being lost returns. Anyone else feels this way?
Seems that my move to quit gaming has decrease the effectiveness of tech-stoning. But then, going back to gaming is does nothing constructive to the state already and I'm tired of living my time pointlessly like that.
Walked the extra-long way home today. Took time to look around and watch the people, thinking what their lives were like. Somehow it made me feel more connected to this world. Looking at drivers heading home, folks waiting by the bus stop, wondering what goes on in their mind and lives.
Maybe that's what links us all humans. To connect to one another. Now that its the holidays and social interaction is pretty low, been feeling quite lonely and stuff. Gotta find something more meaningful to do.
A tingling in the heart; not.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Loving people should be something easy, isn't it? Yet why do I find it difficult to?
Loving that comes from the heart should be natural and thus readily there. On contrary, I somehow find it exhausting to keep this love actively going, in fact, I shouldn't even be trying this hard. It can't be entirely so that I'll be void of love. I know it exists in me, for my friends, family, and beloved people that come to mind. One death should be enough to let me know the pain of irreplaceable loss, yet my actions speaks little of that dreadful reminder that lingers in shadows of my mind.
Why do I find it so hard to love, the enthusiasm and excitement that typically bursts out of the people around I see.
need to pace myself slowly step by step I'll do this
Heh. Somehow, things have become much better thankfully. At the same time, I mustn't forget the purpose I need to serve. There's a great deal I have to settle, the biggest which would be to find that path once again.
Gotta rebuild relationships with three different people.
Her. Him. & HIM.
And finally, I really need to improve on myself, for the people around me, for my future. It feels uncomfortable doing it, feels unusual to what I would do. But then again, reality isn't gonna remain an ideal, I shouldn't sit around and wait for things to happen. I'll need to make effort and sacrifice, if it means learning how to treasure people. Time to get myself grounded back to the real world.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Pencil: I'm sorry cos you get hurt because of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.
Eraser: That's true. But I don't really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I'll be gone and you'll replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. :)
It's because I've always been searching for a special something in my life that it relates in the way how I maintain my relationships with people, often without a complete investment of the heart.
Though now I really want to learn to cherish the people around me. Stop looking and start holding. Still trying hard to reconfigure my unconscious and subconscious mental states.
At the same time, there's so many people I'd really love to keep in my life, though unfortunately I lack the ability to. Hope i'll be able to fully enjoy and appreciate all those around me for the moment. Don't want to brea any of their hearts by my ways, and the same time, slowly push myself to expand my limits.
The sun's out in the perfect spot, just enought light the surroundings with vibrant display of colours in a way that was rarely seen and appreciated. Seems like a start of a good day until a series of thunder starts booming in the background.
To what could have been the start of a great day, now ruined. or is it? Life often has it ups and downs, clear skies and dark clouds, sun and rain. Everyone of us goes through the same process, just from different situations and perspectives.
Often, while things are still good, people begin to worry about the bad that can happen. When the friendship would end, the chance of making another mistake, what others would think of them and all the other endless little concerns under the sun even before a single drop of rain has fallen.Some people worry so much about the end happening that by the time they got past worrying, its the end.
Rain doesnt always mean something bad. Sometimes it just means we have to find alternatives. Having to postpone outdoor trips, change of outing locations or plans, finding a alternate sheltered path to your destination. Life takes often detours, sometimes so we can learn new things, sometimes because we arent ready, sometimes for a special purpose.
The rain can be refreshingly fun, if we bring ourselves to enjoy it.
Have you ever wondered if the source of your unhappiness was yourself, because you choose to hold on to your past?
Happiness, or the lack of, comes from within. No one or thing can make you happy. It's only because you choose to allow yourself to be happy with those things.
Holding on so tightly to the past issues and hurts is what stops us from receiving the things we need to resolve them. It disables us to give out love, and to receive love from the people around us.
Imagine if all the years of your life you've spent in misery and unhappiness, was simply because you never allowed yourself to be?
An Obituary printed in the London Times: Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; - Life isn't always fair; - and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Upturn
Sunday, September 18, 2011
I feel happy tonight. It's been a really long time since I felt this way. Beginning to feel God in my life again, His peace and joy. After a good darn semester of straying away in my own strength, and finally deciding to turn back and it feels good, and really nice =)
Without God I wouldn't last. As far as it has been, all the ups is when im focused, and the downs when i lose focus. And downs doesn't refer to the bad times, its the time I feel so crappy and lose hope in everything.
I hope I can continue this. Don't want to lose sight again. I really miss where and what I used to be.
My feet all snugged up in the soft sand while looking out on the shore, watching all the happy faces splashing about in the water. The borders of waves distinctly separated the people into two entities. The ones already in the water, leaving those on land either preferably staying dry, or those yet to be preyed on and dragged to the other 'side'. It's been awhile since I swam and I wasn't thinking of getting wet. Most of them, had no intention either. But regardless the circumstances, without choice, those that shouldn't, wouldn't and couldn't swim, one by one they got dragged in to their fate. A fate most of us rejected strongly until swept away by a team of determined folks. Once our skin touched the water, we knew it was over.
The beauty was seeing how everyone embraced the water right after the few seconds of despair and struggle. In time, almost everyone who was caught in the arms of the Kraken was having fun in the water, as though they were naturally part of it. A extreme change of feelings that is. And it was as though whatever that held as back previously was now an unchangeable fact. We were wet, dirty, sticky and uncomfortable in all manners. And there's nothing we could change about that, well aside for our clothes, not that everyone brought extras anyway. It wasn't the usual state we'll be in, but still something tolerable, something, when made the most out of, becomes endlessly enjoyable.
“And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.” 1 John 4:16 NKJV
Then I must have strayed far away, because everything that I know of now, feels least like abiding in God or Him in me. It's been half a year already, and thing's been really rough. I really wish this would end.
I've been holding on to this rock in my life for so long. It's the burdens I'm holding on to that stopping me from loving others, and receiving it. I've been guarding it, covering it with layer and layer of protection, calcifying the form of it. And now that it's become so heavy, it takes a great deal of effort to move it away, so that I can love others or to open myself.
And there's a great deal I'm trying to find in others, but they're things I'd never find, and thus I need to redirect all this energy into the true Source. Even though its intangible, it's there. Need to learn to let go.
Each night, the same feelings replay as if I was stuck in a time loop. Facing each day with a hope and resolve, and ending the nights feeling broken and like a failure. And heh, it's going again. Those missing blanks. Each time I talk to you, I'm anticipating another blank reply. Left in doubts and wild imaginations again. Hais. I really feel like quitting, quitting friendships once and for all, asking everyone to leave. I wished they'll stop liking me, taking an interest to want befriend me. I hate, I really hate, all those empty feelings I make them feel because of the way I am. Excuses it may be, I feel hell dam incompetent, trying to meet up to even basic expectations and requirements. I dont even know how to face him, being so unworthy, and now I doubt if I'll ever make it for her. Thank goodness I didn't try for him again, or not it'll just be another damaging false hope.
I'm spending more hours curled up in the toilet nowadays. Repeating a cycle of thinking for solutions, daydreaming and crying. In my fantasies, I'd love being all vulnerable again, and having people around hold me up, protect me, having the warmth of family bonds. But in reality, it feels like I'm a burden left in people's hearts, an empty promise, a false hope, toying with their gifts and trust of their hearts. And then this sharp pains pierces the heart so much, it feels like it shrivels. And then back again to thinking how I can do something to fix everything up.
During this season, the last thing I think I'd ever know is that feeling of being loved... for who I am, unconditionally accepted and embraced. But well, still trying hard to fit into what people want and hoped I'd be. It's not fully their fault I guess, even though it doesnt feel like I'm making mistakes out of bad choices, the mistake is most likely me, being incapable of fulfilling simple actions and feelings, trying to do and make things I can't, at the expense of others.. Somehow, I think I'm fighting this out for them, and not for myself anymore. There's nothing else I can have to fight for myself but just to change to something better.
And the difficult thing is, the way I am hurts them. Quitting the friendship hurts them as well, and I'm trapped in this endless pain I'm causing others. I wish it was possible, if I could wipe out every relationship and memory of me, walk into a new place, and start all over again. This time, I don't want to have to keep being strong anymore. Now it's like I just have to try my best to until either side gives up.
Emo this might be, but I have my weak sides too, vulnerabilities I have kept far too long. I'd fix this if I could. I wish I could. If there be any solution I'd like to try it. Curling up seems to be the only comfort I can find.
Today was a lovely day. Outing with HiClubbers to Sentosa and it really was a blast. Simply being able to let go of everything, statuses and differences and just chill out with a whole bunch of people. Pretty cool how everyone, except the strict no-no's got thrown, dragged, lugged, carried, tackled, bulldozed, into the sea one by one. It's like after screaming and resisting, once you're in the water, you'll eventually enjoy the water and then there's everyone in the water enjoying and swimming. The abrasions from the sand, the continuous laughter that fills the seashore.
I think if you could piece all the sounds made by friends together, it'll form this really lovely and beautiful melody. The joys of laughter, tears of pain, cheers of camaraderie, breaths of support, questions of concern, oh how they come together, in an unpredictable course of highs and lows yet perfectly orchestrated tune, with memories ringing in echoes. And I really love hearing that tune play over and over again.
Think personally, today had something special for me. Being asked some questions, being threatened (in a good way), haha, somehow touched me. Made me felt cared for, without me having to do something to earn it. Dont know. Haven't really felt this way for a long time, being vulnerable and thus listening and following what others say. I wish I could feel like that again haha. Somehow made me want to look out for them too, but perhaps it wouldn't last long either. Either way, wish I could thank those few people for allowing me to relive those feelings, but I'll probably be gutless to xD
Hoping alone is not enough to change things. There needs to be transformation.
Need to learn how to love people more, how to cherish them more.
Somehow I know they mean something to me, yet like a wandering spirit, I have little anchor points on what grounds me to people. They come and go in my mind, as though possibly with little value. And I guess you can't find security in the unpredictability of the wind. Maybe they don't mean enough to me, for me to just hold on to them like it's all I got.
I've never really been a sturdy anchor. The kind that when it comes to mind, I'll do, and when it doesn't, I'll forget. There isn't a consistency in my relationships.
I know I used to keep searching for something and hence neglected people. But since then, I have kept to what I have, doing things to cherish those around me.
But I realize, in a great part of my life, I still lack love. That genuine love that springs forth naturally as you've put it. Something's lacking. It's like despite all the good knowledge and actions of altruistic selfless, I lack the heart for it. Somehow somewhere I just doesnt feel like the full extent and outreach of love I know I should be feeling. It feels so human. And so, no matter how nice, good, impactful I am, the truth remains that without love, I'll be nothing just as I am now, still an empty soul.
Corinthians 13
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
And though I have an undying hope that pulls me up and a rooted faith in the sovereignty of God, I somehow can only say, I have not yet known love.
For as much as I have relentlessly sought it, maybe it's time I went back to the roots, the calmness in chaos, the peace in strife, the strength in weakness, the grace in lack, the forgiveness in guilt, the love in emptiness.
"God is love" as written in John. and if I don't know love, I dont know God. And I because don't know God, I don't know love.
It's time. I'll need to do something about myself for once. I need to set my heart right. I need transformation.
God please teach me, and open my heart and show me how to love. As I'll learn to look to you, draw me closer to you.
Learnt a really interesting analogy today. It expresses the attitudes that many of us have.
A child is in a dark room, and he tells his mother he wants to see light, and so the mom tells him, go on the switch and you'll see light. The child refuses, saying, "No way. Until I see the light then I'll turn on the switch."
Quite like many of us, don't you think?
We'd want, like, or desire to see something happen, change or come to pass. Yet many of us are unwilling to take the necessary step to do it. We often ask ourselves, why, why do we have to be one to make the first step. But as in the analogy, the law of electricity requires the switch to be turn on by an effort which in turns closes the circuit allowing electricity to pass through, thereby allowing light to be present.
Perhaps we feel that shouldn't be made to turn on that switch, but then in what position do we then deserve to demand to see light. We wanna see the results before we decide whether we'll be turning that switch.
Kinda foolish isn't it, but that's what we all are.
Turn on my computer all ready to enter my realm of nothingness and then after 5 min of typical routine through facebook, twitter, daily sites, blogs and whatnot, that feeling of emptiness and being lost returns. Anyone else feels this way?
Seems that my move to quit gaming has decrease the effectiveness of tech-stoning. But then, going back to gaming is does nothing constructive to the state already and I'm tired of living my time pointlessly like that.
Walked the extra-long way home today. Took time to look around and watch the people, thinking what their lives were like. Somehow it made me feel more connected to this world. Looking at drivers heading home, folks waiting by the bus stop, wondering what goes on in their mind and lives.
Maybe that's what links us all humans. To connect to one another. Now that its the holidays and social interaction is pretty low, been feeling quite lonely and stuff. Gotta find something more meaningful to do.
A tingling in the heart; not.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Loving people should be something easy, isn't it? Yet why do I find it difficult to?
Loving that comes from the heart should be natural and thus readily there. On contrary, I somehow find it exhausting to keep this love actively going, in fact, I shouldn't even be trying this hard. It can't be entirely so that I'll be void of love. I know it exists in me, for my friends, family, and beloved people that come to mind. One death should be enough to let me know the pain of irreplaceable loss, yet my actions speaks little of that dreadful reminder that lingers in shadows of my mind.
Why do I find it so hard to love, the enthusiasm and excitement that typically bursts out of the people around I see.
need to pace myself slowly step by step I'll do this
Heh. Somehow, things have become much better thankfully. At the same time, I mustn't forget the purpose I need to serve. There's a great deal I have to settle, the biggest which would be to find that path once again.
Gotta rebuild relationships with three different people.
Her. Him. & HIM.
And finally, I really need to improve on myself, for the people around me, for my future. It feels uncomfortable doing it, feels unusual to what I would do. But then again, reality isn't gonna remain an ideal, I shouldn't sit around and wait for things to happen. I'll need to make effort and sacrifice, if it means learning how to treasure people. Time to get myself grounded back to the real world.
Darren Nico Pillai