Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.
Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.
Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.
But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.
I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.
I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.
I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.
Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.
What does it mean if someone is willing to go further for you than you would for them?
For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?
Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude: 1. He/she loves you more than you do. 2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.
People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?
I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).
I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?
To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?
For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.
That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.
There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?
If you ever try to start something with someone who’s still caught up in their past, it will just bring problems to your future no matter how many times you try to dodge it. You can tell when someone looks in your eyes and sees someone else. Maybe it will work out between you two, the timing is just wrong.
Don’t ever ever ever be someone else’s rebound. Or get involved with someone who have unresolved issues. It will just be suffering for both parties. For you, hurt and disappointment. For that person, guilt ridden. So please.Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.
I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.
Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.
Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.
Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.
If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.
I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)
But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.
I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?
People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.
I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.
And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.
But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.
Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.
So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.
It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Had a long twitter conversation after replying to someone's tweet. sorry friends >< Anyway, since I'm too lazy to reorganize this to one coherent post which I'm obviously terrible at. Was pretty challenging considering the character limit of twitter, and not wanting to throttle tweetdeck with multiple entries of our opinionated discussion. so here's it all
Just clarifications first. I don't intend to have this be a good guy-bad guy convo in any way. Just strong opinions put across. No one's right or wrong, just lessons yet to be learnt. Hope the convo pasted below does not offend anyone.
Stupid parents. Think they know everything. So what if you gave life to us; we ain't your slave.
dun be surprised we might all become like that one day. What we think we'd never be, is something what we end up being.
I know but... sometimes when I look at parents stopping their children from being who they wanna be, it's just really depressing
Have you ever wonder that by raising up children and loving them, they had to give up being who they wanted to be?
they do that because they are willing, excluding those parents who have "accidents". Who would want bearing children as a chore? taking care of children might not be easy but it doesn't mean that you can control what you want your child to be as an adult.
Yea, but now I'd ask you, if they sacrificed their dreams willingly because they love you, how much would that mean to you?
then I think it isnt a good excuse; if you want to do something, do it willingly. Don't use it as a threat. well, it would mean the world to me that they took time to bring me to the world but they still can't dictate our life.
Just my humble opinion, but it doesn't seem to mean much. More of just a comparison to what they've done and what you want.
I just feel they should respect the child's decision. If the child wants to be an artist, you can't force him to be a lawyer. you can only go so far without passion. If you force yourself to do something you don't love, is it still worth it? I say no.
I agree, but if circumstances dictates, how much would you sacrifice of your own, in worth of your parents' sacrifice?
depends. I won't sacrifice everything just because they want me to. I will have to see their views if they are reasonable or not
Reason doesn't always work well with love. Ever wondered if your parents had to take a sucky job to bring in money for food?
hmmmm that's a different story. If that happens, I'll treat them with more respect and will give back more. Sacrifice more.
Why not ask them? And is your love for your parents conditional? Depending on what you've seen and know them to have done? What if parents went, "if this kid grows up to be a good, I'll love him more. If not then maybe it's not reasonably worth it."
I know my parents and how I'm too repay them. But i'm just saying, some parents have got to cut their children some slack. Hey, That has happened before. Ever heard of how parents treat their haywired children or probably their gay sons?
Parents are humans too. They hurt us as much as we hurt them through our ungrateful ways. Both sides have their own shit man.
Yeah but sometimes, the sides aren't fair. Like parents beating up children for no reason. To say one of them
The sides will never be fair. And assuredly some parents have done great transgression on their responsibility over us. As human as we all are, how many times have we all unreasonably hurt someone out of our own pissed attitudes. Words, actions. A condescending word said out of anger can hurt as much as a slap to the face. And it doesnt have to be family. Friends too.
Meh. I guess, unreasonable is one of the traits of a human being.
like the way we children unreasonably demand shit from our parents like they owed us a living just becos they birthed us. ;)
It's a cycle...
Agreed totally. So now who's gonna take the first step to break it? Or we could all wait, hurt and hate.
Well, from similar experience, I might be that controlling parent but I won't take them for granted.
Then go ahead and make right. It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them :)
I know I've said quite a lot. But to really try understand what parents might have done. They probably had you in their 20's to 30's. And that's the prime of adulthood. They had dreams, ambitions, hobbies, and so will you. But for us children, whether or not they wanted to, they had to put aside their own desires, get a job, any kind, to bring money back to feed the family. Because they loved us.
Now as kids we'd demand our rights, our choices to do what we want, as though our parents owed us a living. but we'd never realized all the sacrifices our parents had made. After enjoying food on your table, a bed to sleep in, pocket money to buy the things you wants, all these without needing to do any work, is it that hard to understand why sometimes parents do "unreasonable" things. They gave up their life so we could live ours.
We as children could probably never reciprocate the price they paid, and yet we ask, no, demand more like its our right to live. How'd would you like if you paid for a homeless beggar's meals for one month and then he comes around to complain that the food sucks and it's making him look bad?
And heck do they even complain more than us about how unhappy or unfair life is ? It's mostly about our slipshod lives if they do. Even if we think we can survive living individually from them, we don't even know how much we're indirectly living off them. and it's seems parents are to blame for everything. For not giving enough, for being too controlling, for not being good enough. And when we're done and satisfied with what we have, we stomp all over them in a horribly disrespectful manner. Urgh.
And yes and if there's anything we rightfully deserve, it's for all we ungrateful children to be slapped for our arrogant manner and kicked out of the house for freeloading. Go live our own life independently as we so desire. But they never do, despite the shit we give them, because they love us more than we'd ever see and understand.
F*** us kids really. We'd never understand the depth of a parent's love until we become one ourselves.
Ah, Christmas is in a few days, and you know, there's always so much hype and wanting to meet up, everyone's trying to pin that special day with significant others. Friends, close friends, old friends, church, school mates, family; everyone.
I mean, I'm someone who doesn't like to book out a day way ahead in the future because I live by the principle that you'd never know when something more important might happen. Dunno, feels a bit wrong, yet feels right.
Been trying to find a good schedule and date to fit the current events, not very sure where I should go, who I should spend it with. And I get annoyed all the more when my mom presses me for a date on the 25th with some really really old church buddies we kinda grew up with. Well of course I didn't like the idea, what if my current friends had a plan too, how am I supposed to say no?
But it suddenly dawned on me. When you keep trying so hard to make the most ideal choice, you become more and more dissatisfied at every option that doesn't meet up. That's because nothing's perfect; and sometimes the most ideal choice, is to simply let things be. Stop trying so hard for perfect and allow nature to take its course.
I don't know really, I only have two plans now. One, I'd like to have a small gathering with good friends, like we had last year. Something simple, something that captures the mood, and just a place we can all lie down and take a decent break for a moment. I'd really want that =)
Two, I just want, for once, to give priority to my family wherever and however they choose to spend the day. Sometimes, no matter where we go, whatever happens, there's always that warmth in family, no matter how little. Just how much we want to catch it, and make it grow. This year end, I'd want to make that effort. Spend time with my mom, my bro (if he's around). After all, family's forever right? =)
Here's how I'd like my Christmas morning =)
Christmas dinner!
the warmth of a fireplace can't beat the warmth of a family together
our innocent excitement as we unwrapped our gifts below the Christmas tree
A song behind the Christmas story.
Was trying to quote the best part of the lyrics that meant a lot to me, but somehow everything felt so close. And I guess I'll use this then.
Got this note from an unknown someone. Kinda quite touched hehe. Rare that I get such things, in a purposeful attempt I guess. Heh, "God's angel", a bit too high no? Wonder what I did to deserve that heh. Quite wishing to know who and what it's about, but I guess not knowing keeps me humble, don't have anything to boast about. Nonetheless, thank you so much for the note, means a lot a lot to me =) Will keep it somewhere.
Dear unknown, if you're here reading this, thank you so much for it, really. Heartmeltz lol. If I have impacted in you any way that has touch your life, I have one request, that you'll do the same for someone else =) Pass it on and touch someone's life as well ^^
And it's true isn't it, how there's always people out there loving us, and whether or not we're aware doesn't change the fact that they do =)
Watched this video at MHI today. I guess what hits home is knowing that despite all the shit we get ourselves too, there's still someone that sees hope in us, loves and accepts us. No, we're aren't hopeless messed up shit. We're just frightened little kids, confused and lost, seeking out the answers to our needs; and it's alright to be. All we have to do is let go of our false securities and let faith work its way in us. And then miracles happen.
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”
The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”
“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…
“I made a difference for that one.”
I wanna change the world and impact people too. I want this world to be without loneliness, where everyone reaches out to another. For a world of hope, for a world of love. But first I must be the change I want to see in the world. And so, I'm changing the world, one life at a time. I am and I will.
Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".
We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"
I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.
As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.
The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.
Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"
I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?
I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.
I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
[Corinthians 13:4-7]
I'll make it a point to recite this every morning.
It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.
Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.
Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.
Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.
Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.
I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.
Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.
But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.
Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.
Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.
Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.
Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.
Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.
Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.
Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.
Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.
Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.
Intended to do my fyp today but was mostly sickish the whole day. Spent most of the day lying and sleeping in the refuge of the water.
Thought about many things as usual.
Friends are a hard topic for me. Wish I didn't have to be this way. And I wondered as well, would it be worth it? If I pressed on, without knowledge of the end. Would we walk down the years together? Would we be a passing memory in each others diaries? Would we be a grudge of broken dreams and promises?
Recent inspiration I pondered. Would you still be with someone if there'll be 99 days of heartache but 1 day of true love.
Knowing the final day of true love, we'll know that it'll be worth it. For that 1 day of true love outweighs the suffering and pain. The joy outshines the pain, making it worthwhile. And it's surely a beautiful thing, probably makes a good story to tell too.
But then what if you couldn't saw an end, the other side of it? There's a path to take, but a shroud of mist guarding it. Pebbles and sharp rocks strewn all over the ground. Uncertainty lies ahead. Nobody knows how long the path stretches on. You can only so imagine what the prize might be.
Some people skip past for a safer bet. Some grab the opportunity regardlessly. Some tread cautiously. Some turn back halfway. Some lose hope. Some stop after finding something likable. Some steer off-course. Some lose strength at the final hurdle.
Only a few make it to the end, with an achieving taste of joy and well saying the journey was worth it all. A declaration only boldly made by those who experienced the arduousness. Like a career built on hardwork and perseverance. A university/college entry earned by endless academic mugging. The flavour of a treasured friendship battered by bouts of conflicts and difficulties. Isn't that the morale behind every grand story, an inspiration for what we couldn't or in fact, didn't do.
The paths we take determine the stories of our lives. Dont live in regrets, wishing you would have done something different. Nothing is impossible when there's a will. However big or wide or long an obstacle, if you really want to cross it, you'll be dam sure to find one across somehow. Some paths have heavier burdens but the end of it is always worth it, always. Let faith and love take your hands and guide you through the pain.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.
Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.
Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.
But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.
I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.
I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.
I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.
Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.
What does it mean if someone is willing to go further for you than you would for them?
For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?
Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude: 1. He/she loves you more than you do. 2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.
People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?
I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).
I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?
To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?
For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.
That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.
There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?
If you ever try to start something with someone who’s still caught up in their past, it will just bring problems to your future no matter how many times you try to dodge it. You can tell when someone looks in your eyes and sees someone else. Maybe it will work out between you two, the timing is just wrong.
Don’t ever ever ever be someone else’s rebound. Or get involved with someone who have unresolved issues. It will just be suffering for both parties. For you, hurt and disappointment. For that person, guilt ridden. So please.Don’t fall in love when you’re lonely, fall in love when you’re ready.
I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.
Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.
Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.
Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.
If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.
I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)
But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.
I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?
People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.
I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.
And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.
But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.
Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.
So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.
It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Had a long twitter conversation after replying to someone's tweet. sorry friends >< Anyway, since I'm too lazy to reorganize this to one coherent post which I'm obviously terrible at. Was pretty challenging considering the character limit of twitter, and not wanting to throttle tweetdeck with multiple entries of our opinionated discussion. so here's it all
Just clarifications first. I don't intend to have this be a good guy-bad guy convo in any way. Just strong opinions put across. No one's right or wrong, just lessons yet to be learnt. Hope the convo pasted below does not offend anyone.
Stupid parents. Think they know everything. So what if you gave life to us; we ain't your slave.
dun be surprised we might all become like that one day. What we think we'd never be, is something what we end up being.
I know but... sometimes when I look at parents stopping their children from being who they wanna be, it's just really depressing
Have you ever wonder that by raising up children and loving them, they had to give up being who they wanted to be?
they do that because they are willing, excluding those parents who have "accidents". Who would want bearing children as a chore? taking care of children might not be easy but it doesn't mean that you can control what you want your child to be as an adult.
Yea, but now I'd ask you, if they sacrificed their dreams willingly because they love you, how much would that mean to you?
then I think it isnt a good excuse; if you want to do something, do it willingly. Don't use it as a threat. well, it would mean the world to me that they took time to bring me to the world but they still can't dictate our life.
Just my humble opinion, but it doesn't seem to mean much. More of just a comparison to what they've done and what you want.
I just feel they should respect the child's decision. If the child wants to be an artist, you can't force him to be a lawyer. you can only go so far without passion. If you force yourself to do something you don't love, is it still worth it? I say no.
I agree, but if circumstances dictates, how much would you sacrifice of your own, in worth of your parents' sacrifice?
depends. I won't sacrifice everything just because they want me to. I will have to see their views if they are reasonable or not
Reason doesn't always work well with love. Ever wondered if your parents had to take a sucky job to bring in money for food?
hmmmm that's a different story. If that happens, I'll treat them with more respect and will give back more. Sacrifice more.
Why not ask them? And is your love for your parents conditional? Depending on what you've seen and know them to have done? What if parents went, "if this kid grows up to be a good, I'll love him more. If not then maybe it's not reasonably worth it."
I know my parents and how I'm too repay them. But i'm just saying, some parents have got to cut their children some slack. Hey, That has happened before. Ever heard of how parents treat their haywired children or probably their gay sons?
Parents are humans too. They hurt us as much as we hurt them through our ungrateful ways. Both sides have their own shit man.
Yeah but sometimes, the sides aren't fair. Like parents beating up children for no reason. To say one of them
The sides will never be fair. And assuredly some parents have done great transgression on their responsibility over us. As human as we all are, how many times have we all unreasonably hurt someone out of our own pissed attitudes. Words, actions. A condescending word said out of anger can hurt as much as a slap to the face. And it doesnt have to be family. Friends too.
Meh. I guess, unreasonable is one of the traits of a human being.
like the way we children unreasonably demand shit from our parents like they owed us a living just becos they birthed us. ;)
It's a cycle...
Agreed totally. So now who's gonna take the first step to break it? Or we could all wait, hurt and hate.
Well, from similar experience, I might be that controlling parent but I won't take them for granted.
Then go ahead and make right. It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them :)
I know I've said quite a lot. But to really try understand what parents might have done. They probably had you in their 20's to 30's. And that's the prime of adulthood. They had dreams, ambitions, hobbies, and so will you. But for us children, whether or not they wanted to, they had to put aside their own desires, get a job, any kind, to bring money back to feed the family. Because they loved us.
Now as kids we'd demand our rights, our choices to do what we want, as though our parents owed us a living. but we'd never realized all the sacrifices our parents had made. After enjoying food on your table, a bed to sleep in, pocket money to buy the things you wants, all these without needing to do any work, is it that hard to understand why sometimes parents do "unreasonable" things. They gave up their life so we could live ours.
We as children could probably never reciprocate the price they paid, and yet we ask, no, demand more like its our right to live. How'd would you like if you paid for a homeless beggar's meals for one month and then he comes around to complain that the food sucks and it's making him look bad?
And heck do they even complain more than us about how unhappy or unfair life is ? It's mostly about our slipshod lives if they do. Even if we think we can survive living individually from them, we don't even know how much we're indirectly living off them. and it's seems parents are to blame for everything. For not giving enough, for being too controlling, for not being good enough. And when we're done and satisfied with what we have, we stomp all over them in a horribly disrespectful manner. Urgh.
And yes and if there's anything we rightfully deserve, it's for all we ungrateful children to be slapped for our arrogant manner and kicked out of the house for freeloading. Go live our own life independently as we so desire. But they never do, despite the shit we give them, because they love us more than we'd ever see and understand.
F*** us kids really. We'd never understand the depth of a parent's love until we become one ourselves.
Ah, Christmas is in a few days, and you know, there's always so much hype and wanting to meet up, everyone's trying to pin that special day with significant others. Friends, close friends, old friends, church, school mates, family; everyone.
I mean, I'm someone who doesn't like to book out a day way ahead in the future because I live by the principle that you'd never know when something more important might happen. Dunno, feels a bit wrong, yet feels right.
Been trying to find a good schedule and date to fit the current events, not very sure where I should go, who I should spend it with. And I get annoyed all the more when my mom presses me for a date on the 25th with some really really old church buddies we kinda grew up with. Well of course I didn't like the idea, what if my current friends had a plan too, how am I supposed to say no?
But it suddenly dawned on me. When you keep trying so hard to make the most ideal choice, you become more and more dissatisfied at every option that doesn't meet up. That's because nothing's perfect; and sometimes the most ideal choice, is to simply let things be. Stop trying so hard for perfect and allow nature to take its course.
I don't know really, I only have two plans now. One, I'd like to have a small gathering with good friends, like we had last year. Something simple, something that captures the mood, and just a place we can all lie down and take a decent break for a moment. I'd really want that =)
Two, I just want, for once, to give priority to my family wherever and however they choose to spend the day. Sometimes, no matter where we go, whatever happens, there's always that warmth in family, no matter how little. Just how much we want to catch it, and make it grow. This year end, I'd want to make that effort. Spend time with my mom, my bro (if he's around). After all, family's forever right? =)
Here's how I'd like my Christmas morning =)
Christmas dinner!
the warmth of a fireplace can't beat the warmth of a family together
our innocent excitement as we unwrapped our gifts below the Christmas tree
A song behind the Christmas story.
Was trying to quote the best part of the lyrics that meant a lot to me, but somehow everything felt so close. And I guess I'll use this then.
Got this note from an unknown someone. Kinda quite touched hehe. Rare that I get such things, in a purposeful attempt I guess. Heh, "God's angel", a bit too high no? Wonder what I did to deserve that heh. Quite wishing to know who and what it's about, but I guess not knowing keeps me humble, don't have anything to boast about. Nonetheless, thank you so much for the note, means a lot a lot to me =) Will keep it somewhere.
Dear unknown, if you're here reading this, thank you so much for it, really. Heartmeltz lol. If I have impacted in you any way that has touch your life, I have one request, that you'll do the same for someone else =) Pass it on and touch someone's life as well ^^
And it's true isn't it, how there's always people out there loving us, and whether or not we're aware doesn't change the fact that they do =)
Watched this video at MHI today. I guess what hits home is knowing that despite all the shit we get ourselves too, there's still someone that sees hope in us, loves and accepts us. No, we're aren't hopeless messed up shit. We're just frightened little kids, confused and lost, seeking out the answers to our needs; and it's alright to be. All we have to do is let go of our false securities and let faith work its way in us. And then miracles happen.
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”
The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”
“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…
“I made a difference for that one.”
I wanna change the world and impact people too. I want this world to be without loneliness, where everyone reaches out to another. For a world of hope, for a world of love. But first I must be the change I want to see in the world. And so, I'm changing the world, one life at a time. I am and I will.
Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".
We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"
I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.
As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.
The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.
Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"
I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?
I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.
I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
[Corinthians 13:4-7]
I'll make it a point to recite this every morning.
It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.
Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.
Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.
Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.
Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.
I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.
Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.
But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.
Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.
Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.
Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.
Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.
Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.
Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.
Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.
Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.
Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.
Intended to do my fyp today but was mostly sickish the whole day. Spent most of the day lying and sleeping in the refuge of the water.
Thought about many things as usual.
Friends are a hard topic for me. Wish I didn't have to be this way. And I wondered as well, would it be worth it? If I pressed on, without knowledge of the end. Would we walk down the years together? Would we be a passing memory in each others diaries? Would we be a grudge of broken dreams and promises?
Recent inspiration I pondered. Would you still be with someone if there'll be 99 days of heartache but 1 day of true love.
Knowing the final day of true love, we'll know that it'll be worth it. For that 1 day of true love outweighs the suffering and pain. The joy outshines the pain, making it worthwhile. And it's surely a beautiful thing, probably makes a good story to tell too.
But then what if you couldn't saw an end, the other side of it? There's a path to take, but a shroud of mist guarding it. Pebbles and sharp rocks strewn all over the ground. Uncertainty lies ahead. Nobody knows how long the path stretches on. You can only so imagine what the prize might be.
Some people skip past for a safer bet. Some grab the opportunity regardlessly. Some tread cautiously. Some turn back halfway. Some lose hope. Some stop after finding something likable. Some steer off-course. Some lose strength at the final hurdle.
Only a few make it to the end, with an achieving taste of joy and well saying the journey was worth it all. A declaration only boldly made by those who experienced the arduousness. Like a career built on hardwork and perseverance. A university/college entry earned by endless academic mugging. The flavour of a treasured friendship battered by bouts of conflicts and difficulties. Isn't that the morale behind every grand story, an inspiration for what we couldn't or in fact, didn't do.
The paths we take determine the stories of our lives. Dont live in regrets, wishing you would have done something different. Nothing is impossible when there's a will. However big or wide or long an obstacle, if you really want to cross it, you'll be dam sure to find one across somehow. Some paths have heavier burdens but the end of it is always worth it, always. Let faith and love take your hands and guide you through the pain.
Darren Nico Pillai