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Letting It Go
Saturday, December 28, 2013

#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...

Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.


I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.

Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.

I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.

I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.

Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.

Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.


"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."


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You're my biggest regret.
Friday, September 14, 2012

Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.

You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.

Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.

Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?

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Black Rose
Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I finally did it. But I'm sure her heart broke more than mine.

"What is the most painful mental thing you can ever do to a person? By giving him/her a false hope".

Forever what bit of care I can find within myself, I know you'll never be fully happy with me. I'll never be able to give you back what you give to me. Neither do I know when I can love you that much too. And so, I'm not worth it.

I hugged you for the tightest and longest I've ever had. I dont want to let go, but I know I have to.


A black rose represents the end of something. Guess this is it.

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Forgive and Forget
Wednesday, February 1, 2012


Argh, time for character building. I need to learn to forgive too. Keeping score of the wrongs may prove I'm right, but there's no happiness in remembering all these faults and the negativity it generates. If I'd forgive, I'd be happier, and I'll treat you in a much more positive manner.

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Reminiscence
Thursday, January 19, 2012

Shit =l

Something struck my mind about something you said. Was trying to find it out in our log when I stumbled into our old conversations. Before 2010. So much memories of the times when we were closer~ We were chatting so casually almost everyday. Friends, I miss us how we were back then

Jan 1

I was gonna ask the class to sing a birthday song for your birthday and you pleaded me not to. Shy I guess? haha xD And then you wanting to surprise me with a cake for mine (yet you asked me what cake flavour I would think is nice - lol fail surprise) And then I told you I wanted you to sing a birthday song for me, which you expectantly protested.

Looks like I finally got to hear it this year eh =) Beautiful~ ^^ I love the sound of it, the ring of your voice, that mixture of sincerity and bashfulness, a lovely tune that makes the heart melt. Thank you for the song. (Wowza, I waited 2 years for this eh ^^)

and as I scroll down, I'm reading the conversations when I felt down or discouraged. I'm seeing you encouraging me or trying to find ways to help me. And me in return encouraging you to be more positive. I love the tone we used to have last time. Felt like we were peers on equals.

Then came the letter. 15 Jan 2010. A day after my birthday when I first left you. Been lost in the sad world for so long, I decided to leave everything behind to pursue bigger things to make my life more meaningful. Wanted to break out of it, and I wanted to bring you along, though you preferred to stay. Sadly, me being me then, I didn't have the courage to tell you, even lying when you asked if the letter referred to you.

That was the changing point for me and you I guess? From there we spoke lesser, that closeness and casual interactions slowly became more sadness behind smiles. We've moved apart ever since. I've changed too, finally breaking out of that shell, and now I've done more and became someone I'd never see myself to be in the past. Once a sad lonely fearful and introverted person, and now, I'm standing in front of people, doing crazy things, teaching skills, imparting wisdom, from nothing, to a figure at the top. ha, Of course, fame isn't what I asked, just wanted to live my life to the fullest and see others do the same. You've changed too. haha.

I wonder if we could still ever be friends. I really really miss those times.


Edit:

I ended up staying up reading through the chats we had. and hm here's something you said which foreshadowed today.

Nov 2009

"Okay. You can go. But once you go, I'll really label you as a real friend ar. & if anything bad happen between us, I'll really hate you. Clear?!"

And then I responded telling you I was uncertain about how I've changed after YEP.

"Well, no need hide~ Show them to people you know won't mind then. Anyway, real friends will accept you for who you are"

Haha, as much as the commemoration of our official start as real friends and the joy that comes with it, it's heart piercing to see how we've become. Many of my mistakes and your response to them. But yet one little thing triggering those dumb tears... Real friends... That's what he told me too. Guess it I'm still too screwed up for even real friends to accept. I've failed you then.

My heart feels so heavy now. All these precious memories sinking in~

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Happy 20th Birthday
Saturday, January 14, 2012

First off, I don't even know how to respond to everything really. It's so big and unexpected. Didn't had much to look forward to my birthday as things hadn't been so good, but with her extensive effort and support of many, I think this is one of the most memorable birthday I had. Most.

Last minute changes kinda had me 1 hour late for my lunch surprise. If feeling bad that I was late for 3 ppl's lunch wasn't bad enough, had a dam big shock walking into my surprise lunch gathering. Had a 2 rows of people waiting for me. Meh, unsettling to see the people there really. Juniors, seniors, friends, family, haha felt touched having everyone there.

Regretted something though. Didn't get to spend much time with everyone overall. Honestly was quite affected by myself being late and upsetting her, after awhile I had to take a breather cos I couldn't hold my already 'bad' smile anymore. Took a walk, and kinda lost track of time. By the time I returned, forget the already little time left, things were kinda done. Had a few birthday songs sung for me and a cake, and everything mostly dissipated afterwards. Wished I talked to everyone more, The stupid thing is, everyone went to the lunch for me, yet, I was least present. Like though I was some ingrate. A lesson not to harp on negative feelings.

The second big part would be this giant heavy orange scrapbook. Dam shit I love it. Huiqi said she thought of doing this to document my poly life since it was something big for me. And it's secretly on my wishlist too. It's heartwarming flipping through the pages of the book. There's even notes from people I considered myself to be of nothing to. I'm running out of words to describe the feeling that I have, seeing the effort and time people took to do up each page. The thought behind the words, pictures, little decorations. haha if i be honest I feel loved. Feels like i'm more than I think I am? haha.

One really precious word though, that rings through the letters was "inspiration". Haha I think it really touches me to see that I'm seen as an inspiration to some? I'm not sure why, and what, but I think nothing really beats the feeling of knowing you've impacted someone? hope I'm being a good inspiration then, really want to see people finding their true potentials as well as playing a part in making this world imperfectly perfect.

But really, i think all this wudn't be possible without her. I cant express my gratitude to her using any words now. I'm amazed, touched, shocked, thankful. I cant possibly know how much it took you to get all this done, and imagining it is already scary enough. but as the days go and I hear the accounts of people I meet, it's crazy to discover how much you've been doing for this. Everywhere? Like you've went to explored almost every part of my life to get that fragment of memory for me. Must have been a great deal of work, especially with you having to bear your pain too :/

Frankly, you've won me a little inside. I feel like giving it one more chance to pull things back together again. I'm not sure what I ought to do though. Like you said, maybe apart might be better for us. I'm not in a good state for any close relationships, there's still so much issues and selfishness to fix, and having you to bear the brunt of my egocentric life isn't fair for you. Part of me wants you in my life, yet another selfish part doesn't seem to cherish you. And it plays out in this nasty hurt game. I need to tell myself to have faith and be strong to let you go, that you can find your happiness too. I'm not sure where we go from here. Wish we could still be at least friends =/

but all in all, thank you so much for this wonderful gift, and the many sweet things that goes with it. It's the best gift ever so far, I'll keep it with me, and in my heart wherever I go. Thank you.

Happy Birthday to me. Now let's face the new year!

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Drama script
Wednesday, January 4, 2012

It's supposed to be a occasion for joy, yet it's been only fear and worry. The thing I've been hoping for since everything begun. But now it's like a cancer slowly spreading across my life. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it selfish? The negativity seems so prevalent everywhere, it's become so unhealthy. Feels like I've been in this long bad dream, gotten so used to it. Life's taken such a dramatic twist, I'm both slightly amused yet depressingly melancholic. It'd make a good drama script I swear. Makes me think twice when I watch dramas now.

Really want to wake up from this dream.

So many people telling me to let go. Next person to tell me that, I will.

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Your smile is the reason I bleed today.
Monday, January 2, 2012

When you asked to meet me at 12.00, I sighed. Worries of what would happen next, what I needed to do so as to not spoil things, what I needed to look like to not make you upset. I didn't want to ruin things further.

But it did. I was exhausted after staying up the last few nights working on my FYP endlessly. I was tired from banging on your walls trying to get to you. I was tired having to put on the fake 'Nico' to suit what you expected of me. Guess that broke through in my face.

I'd wish you'd understand, but I don't expect you to, even though I tried talking so much.

Do you know, being with you makes me so fearful. Every time I'm with you, I have to be on my guard, watching my words and actions ever so cautiously, just in case I trip a wire to which must cause you to become unhappy, to cause another problem or dissatisfaction in you which guessing was the best thing I could do.

From me to you, it feels like you've been building walls around you. Thick strong ones. Because you wont tell me anything, the only thing left I've resorted to was brute force. Keep pounding at your walls, tearing them down. Bashing them even if my hands bled. And when my hands could feel no more, I'd throw my body on it. Sometimes I get to see you momentarily, and inside I feel happy though shortlived before wall forms up again. Every single word and action had to be carefully thought out. Any small mistake could cost me a few layers back.

I don't know what can get to you anymore. Being nice, giving you my time, being forceful, angry, even having to hurt myself, everything I tried doesn't work. And sometimes, I have to shamelessly ask others help me. A call to check where you are, maybe for someone to look out for you. After all, people always expected me to be the nice one to you.

I hate it that you didn't cry. Even when I lost control and became physical. I just wanted you to be real. I wanted to see you being you, whether you had to be in tears or not. I resent deeply that you sat there the whole time without saying one damned word. I so wanted to slap you hard, just so you'd cry, and that I could be there to comfort you. I'd rather you bury your tears on my sleeves than to hide your sadness behind a fake smile. I don't want you to be strong always. I want you to be you; at times, weak.

My heart ached so much to see what you've become. Lonely, sad, and bitter with self-destructiveness. No, I don't pity you. If I did, I would be feeling sympathy rather than this tremendous twist in my heart. All I really wanted, was to see you genuinely smile and be happy again, whether there be smiles in the warm comfort after the tears, or the laughter in joyful times.

It's been a long time since either of us did. Every time now it feels so depressing, so much uncertainty and trepidation, so much expectations to fill; at least for me it feels that way. Every time I think of you, it's fear of what you'll do, how you're doing, what issues I had to deal next, problems I had to vigorously look out for. Yes. It's that same feeling every single time, and that's the reason why I'm so reluctant to meet you. I can't feel safe leaving you alone, yet wasn't good enough to take care of you when we're together, I didn't know what to feel or think anymore.If you'd ask me why I no longer smiled, my answer would be because you no longer did.

And honestly, I'm at the end of myself. I don't say this to make myself look better than you, but for the only reason that my sacrifice would be enough for you, perhaps inspire and encourage you, to push you to find happiness once again. I know even if you keep telling me you don't want it, or to give it to someone else instead, I'll do it for you, because deep down, I know you'd want to feel worth, to mean something to somebody. And I'm not doing all this to help you feel it, I do this because you, do mean something to me. You'd really do.

I know I'm not perfect, and I have so much flaws and bad points that's hurting to be with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to give you my best. I know there are many times I prioritize something over you, and that it hurts, but it's really that mess inside me fulfilling itself, and I'm trying to beat it. There's much that I have purposefully pushed myself to do, I dont know if you knew how much it takes of me just to do so. I remember you writing about how if you loved someone, you shouldn't have to try so hard to do things. But the thing is, I have issues. I find difficulty in loving people, in doing things for others. No one went out for me in my past. But I tried. Making the effort to sms you, reply them, talk to you, spend a bit more time with you, hold back my own sadness so it wouldn't affect you, think of jokes and silly things to do to cheer you up, connect you to more people and outings, sifting out my bad parts so I would hurt you less, telling myself not to give up whenever things got really really hard. I really tried my best to give you all I could, against my own selfishness and weakness.

Last night, I broke into tears when suddenly I thought what if all the sacrifice meant nothing. What if the results would still be the same? What if the love I tried wouldn't be enough to help you find happiness? I cried thinking how pathetic I would be, giving up my future, tanking all the damage, suppressing all the hurts and fears to fight for your tomorrow, for a happier you. And how after things ended with you, everything will just burst out, all the pain collectively overwhelming my heart. What if I broke down afterwards, would there be anyone to catch me? Would anyone stay with me if I took a long time to recover? Would there be anyone to love the mess I'll be? I mean afterall, I would be a fool for giving so much to change nothing. The cake. I remembered it, and I know it means something to you. But I thought, what point is there, holding on to a cake when I couldn't even hold on to you. What joy could I find in a cake, when I couldn't enjoy the friendship with you. Sorry for leaving it behind, it must have hurt you a lot. I would if I could, but my heart is just so weary to do anything.

Frankly, I really am tired now. I don't have the strength to keep being tough anymore. I don't have the strength to keep up being that someone else you'd wish me to be. I don't have the strength to overcome the fear of your cold rejection, or the disapproval of not meeting up to what you want. The real me, is someone screwed up, lonely, afraid, and needy, someone you didn't like. It's understandable though; no one did. I'm sorry I made you like me, I'm sorry I used you to fulfill my needs selfishly. I regret it a lot. A lot. I've only realize how I'm not ready for it, and I'll make it a point never to get into it again until I'm ready.

I know if you could, you'd want to return me all the effort and time so I'd be happy and myself again. But honestly, it's impossible. What's given been given, and it cant be taken back; like a gift that's not refundable. The only way, if you'd really want to repay me, is for you to be happy, find your own happiness. That, would make everything, more than worthwhile, to know that you can be happy one day, it would mean so much. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be now, don't pressure yourself, so long as you keep trying. But if that be too much of an audacious request, then please ignore it, please don't feel guilty, or indebted. Really, it was ultimately my choice to invest in you, and a pity it be if I been a fool not to heed your calls of advice.

All in all, I can only say I'm sorry for my mistakes and hurting you, and the only thing I hope now is for you to be happy. At least one day you will.

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I will always be fighting for you.
Thursday, December 29, 2011

I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.



Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.

Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.

Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.

If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.

I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)

But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.

I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?

People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.

I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.

And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.

But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.

Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.

So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.

Hais.

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Even the best fall down sometimes
Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Sometimes that's what I feel. I know I'm not perfect, yet I'm trying so hard to fight for things, and there's always so much resistance. From you, from my flaws. And it ends up I taking your burdens as mine, worrying about things beyond me. Yet I cant help but feel afraid and concern for you. I hate to see what you've become, but my care is of little regards to you. It's not like me trying my best helps, not like worrying for you helps, not even going all the way out beyond myself.

Right now, I'm just so worn out with everything. One failure after another. And for you, I don't know, I don't know what I can do to make things right. I hate how things have to be this way. How everything have developed. I've changed; you've changed. I'm human too, while love to meant to last, facing the same problem day in and day out with seemingly little progress takes its toll. But lol, now I bet it feels like I'm dropped you or something, heh, probably all my fault again. Hais.

Still love you, as a person, but just so tired from all the hoohaa and endless chasing. Don't know what exactly you want inside you anymore. Really wish we dont have to spend January like we did last year.

I wanna be me and be cared for too, but seems like everyone's down. Gotta be strong for others, my time will come =)

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Why can't we be friends
Tuesday, December 6, 2011

While doing my fyp today, I suddenly remembered of the time we camped overnight at airport to study. My heart sank a little. I miss those precious times when we were still friends and smiles were common between us.

I haven't smile for you for a really long time. Every time I think of us my smile fades out, my heart sinks, and my eyes turn watery. I wished we didn't have to be in such a state, and I hate myself, I really hate myself for taking us down that road that led to all this. Taking things further when neither of us were emotionally ready for it, and now you're in this state and i'm in almost no position to help except to keep pulling things together to atone for my mistake.

I don't like blaming people, I'd prefer to look at my own faults first. Just that, it's gotten to a point when self-blame is just destroying me unnecessarily. I end up hating myself for things that I don't have to bear. I don't expect support from you, but inside I dearly wished that you would sometimes. You often say you love me and I know you have done and cared a lot for me, and how I've hurt you by leaving and dropping you one side. And it's the been the only thing I've seen you say.

I totally acknowledge that I've done many, many stupid things to hurt you. Things I shouldn't have done, and things I should have done. I in my shame admit the horrible nature of a person I am inside. But I, too seek your acceptance in the weak being I am. I don't like the idea that you pin a great deal of your hopes on me, because I jolly well know the probable outcome of anyone relying on me. Failure. That is what I am, a wreck, a complete mess inside, a weak person yearning and wishing to be loved as well.

Though sometimes, it's really heart-piercing the things you do and can be. Though on one hand you do many nice things for me, many of which I find hard to appreciate and reciprocate, from the uncomfortable feelings from my past. Sometimes you can be nice, sweet, cute, lovely, thoughtful, but on the other hand, you can be selfish, stubborn, irrational, self-defeating, and unwilling to solve problems.

And the things you do have really hurt me as well. When you hate me, you reject me, you put me down, you ignore me, you expect things of me I truly cannot give. To put it crudely, you can be a bitch as much as I bastardly as I am. Sometimes, even as I try give you the benefit of the doubt, it feels like you're not open to solving any problems between us.

You've almost never encouraged me whenever I'm troubled or worried about us. Sometimes going to you only gets me more discouraged and disheartened. When I try look for solutions or inquire or current problems, you dont provide any assistance. And as it turns out, I being the complete blockhead I am, am always thrown back by the intensity of an issue I never realized existed. I dont even understand how we can be anything more when we cant maintain a decent friendship.

I don't say this all to blame you. No use pointing fingers at each other. I only ask, that you help me. I cant see how you are, but it doesnt mean you're not, so please let me know how you're doing so that I can find ways to compliment and support you. If not so, I'd dearly ask for you to objectively try to resolve things too, if we keep trying, things will be solve in time.

It's closely reaching a point where I'm contemplating whether to hold on or not is how much you're wanting this to work out. If you see this as completely hopeless and genuinely don't want it to be, then I will let go of it and stop bothering you. But if there be a will inside you that wants it to work, I will keep trying my best to fight on for you.

I wish we could start it all over again, from friends.

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Bridge of Light
Monday, December 5, 2011

Soundtrack from Happy Feet 2.



It's silly, but I tried hard to hold back my tears when the song played. Didn't want you to see me like that. I've never felt such pain of hopelessness ever since our paths crossed. Every scene in life that's gotta to do with hope tugs on my heartstrings. I really wish things will get better for you, I'll pray for you everyday.

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The wise man build his house upon the rock.
Thursday, December 1, 2011

Cell had us reflecting back on the events of the year and how God has been a part of it.

The year has been crazily eventful I guess. A whole range of feelings from bipolar scales. Friendship; loneliness. Acceptance; rejection. Joy; melancholy. Achieved; failure. Help; helped. Love; heartaches. As I recall a point as to how the year started, our birthdays came to mind. Guess it's the fall from the peak. I get a picture in my head when the tracks stop and the carriage just rides off downwards, spinning helplessly, into a unstoppable vortex. And afterwards its just jamming down on the brakes to slow the descent, though it felt more like a mole digging underground; one claw after the another, a cumbering resistive pace.

At least one thing that has stayed constant throughout this turbulent time, was God. through the good and the bad, the laughter and the strife, at my brightest and the darkest, He was always there to see me through it. Often I get distracted and turn away, but His faithfulness never fails. I wanna be the same fire I was during march last year. To be that light and warmth, be contagious, and to be passionate. Keep my eyes on Jesus.
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7 24:27

Second question was to think of a struggle currently that I'd wish for God's intervention.

Instantaneously, you came to mind. A quick flashback played out in my mind about our journey. Why I did things I do. All in all, I hope for the day, where the reasons of the tears I shed when I hear the word salvation, is because I'll be able to see you find within everything, the happiness and love you've been missing for so long, accept it in your heart, and that I may partake in your joy. But till then, I promise to persevere.

Love endures.

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To abide with you overcomes all.
Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dear God,

It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.

Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.

Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.

Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.

Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.

I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.

Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.

But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.

Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.

Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.

Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.

Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.

Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.

Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.

Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.

Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.

Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.

I want to abide in You.

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Who Am I?
Sunday, November 6, 2011

Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.







Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

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Silence
Thursday, September 15, 2011

Silence. I hate it. I really do.

[Hidden]

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Maternal Bonds
Friday, August 12, 2011

Always wanted to write about this, though too lazy to. But now it ought to serve as a memory, a reminder.

It's gonna be a honest post, something I'm ashamed of, but something I'll admit.

It's been weighing on my mind for long since I remembered. Learnt a new part of it some time back, trying to put into action, but perhaps a week too late for the change.


Maybe a bit of my history first. The family I grew up in, wasn't the most conducive. I didn't face any physical or financial difficulty, but it lacked greatly on the emotional and psychological aspects. My father was absent at a young age, and conflicting issues with my mom and brother rendered me a lone individual in the family. One might find it hard to fully comprehend, but truly for me, it was as though I grew up without a family.

I learnt to survive by protecting myself, defending my grounds at all costs. Living mostly a solitary life in my family, it resolved to a nulled concept of familial bonds. Even in hiding, I still yearned the affections of a family, or some kind of bond that translated some form of care from another being.

What I couldn't get inside, I sought outside. From friends and the people around me. But in the course of it, my messed up self caused more trouble than it found good. My deep longing developed into an insatiable hunger for affection, at the same time my honed defense mechanisms kept people at a safe zone. Its combined forces became what many knew me in the past as an annoying attention seeking brat in which was curbed when my best friend left me for that.

Everything inside me caved in, locking me in a rubble of regret, remorse and guilt. I remained isolated for a few years resurfacing later, but becoming hypersensitive to being a nuisance. Yet because I only grew up with aggressive methods, the only way I knew how to relate to people was through mean jokes and words, and finding comfort through their retorts.


One major issue that haunted me still was her. My desire never once died, growing into a monster inside. I always yearned for her affections, her touch, her acknowledgement, her care, her protection. My mom. And then I always hunted elsewhere from my family.

For that reason, I had a special attraction to females, an innate yearning of affection from them, transduced from the maternal bond I seek. I feared them as a revision of the past, yet wished for someone to be able to fill in those shoes.

Despite knowing no one girl would possibly do that, my inner demon manifested strongly in its pursuit. Once I gotten the hang of it, I began searching every possibility, leaving not a single rock unturned. Hence, creating a lot of destructive relationships with people.

Of all I knew, most things would go either two ways. The worser one was me moving on after feeling like it wasn't meeting my needs. And the second, was running away when I knew it could. In both, majority of the friendships would end by a certain marker, either by fear or by satiation.

Knowing this, I began trying to change this path into a personal touch, rather than a lustrous searching. Divert the search into a hope for possible friendships, untainted as it could be.

Yet at the same time, it colluded with the makings of disaster, with now a mixture of sudden genuineness, a search for affections, and a playful nature of making friends clashing with fears of losing, being a burden and causing hurts together with my inaptitude for building proper relationships. The complicated cocktail results in a bittersweet aftertaste.

I guess I became the one I hated. Did things out of my own selfish ambitions. Made wrong moves on people. Hurt those I shouldn’t have. Forgot those I should have held on to. Not sure how many times I’ve done this wrong. It’s keeps playing in my head, all these interactions with girls, the annoying seal that drives me to it, yet the weakness of fighting back these emotions.

I’m a product of my past, but I will shape my future. Whatever it is, that I have made myself to be, I'll change it. I'm trying hard to regulate it now, holding back at some, watching.I've made this mistakes too many, and often consciously letting it slip. Cant keep giving in to these emotions. Need to stand up to what's right, even if it means laying down my heart. I need to stop doing this.



As timothy adeptly put it, what I’m probably searching for is an elder sister. After all, I’m desperately searching for a nurturing maternal care; it doesn’t help to look for it in people around in affectionate ways. I need someone to love me, and then teach and guide me how to. Someone who can teach me family. A miracle bond without all these Freudian urges. It sucks to be ‘strong’. I wonder if I’ll ever find her. Pity I’m the seniors now. Maybe uni. Maybe next time. Maybe never.

I wish too that I can have friends, and that we can be happy. At least now I know what I've been searching for, and I can cherish my friends around me more.




When you wrote about priorities and options, I knew it what would be coming soon. This issue would one way or another dig its way up.

I’m guilty of the fact the way I treat you, forget you, and maybe even treat you like an option. Going to you when I feel like it, forgetting when it matters less. And then when I try to make things up, I either forget, do a sloppy job or end up diverting to myself again. I fear not being good enough, and my hesitation has been like mood switches for you, passionate one moment, pulling back the next.

At least one of the many joyous moments I have with you is when we’re both being friends. For a matter I don’t know how to describe, but all those times where I can let my guard down, knowing you’re fine and simply enjoy the time. I often thank you for it because I really appreciate those meaningful experiences. It feels so unreal whenever I have to be on high vigilance not knowing what goes on next with you.

And for one reason why I succumb to those fears. I find myself being ever too screwed up, with so much emotional baggage, it doesn’t feel right for be to in a close relationship to anyone. I feel that I keep hurting you, dragged you down into this. Feel that you don’t deserve to be treated this way, especially not from someone like me.

You know, I need assurance too, that things are really going to be fine. Because all I’ve known is the bad I’ve done, wrong I’ve made. Hardly ever any praise, thanks, affirmation or anything nice that rings. I'm not even certain of anything well I've done for you. Sometimes, I feel like a obstacle to you rather, seeing the big difference when i'm there and when I'm not, things seems less awkward and easier for you. To me, the frequency of awkwardness and heartbreaks outnumber, outscores, overshadows the smiles and happy moments. I wonder if its true... But who I am I to speak when I cant give you a sense of assurance either. If liking someone means making them happy, and I've failed to even provide you with that, then I dont deserve your affections.

Maybe you’re better off hating me, if it frees you from having your heart broken over and over again by me. I’m not worth it. I'm really sorry.

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Lay that love to rest.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Never imagine myself to have to go through those word, and causing all that heart wrenching feeling to another. I don't know how to alleviate the pain, and I dont know what I can do to make things better.

This the only place that allows me a voice, a chance to speak to you, and I hope you'll understand, that it isn't your fault or you wouldn't take it upon yourself.

I assure you, that I did like you, and all those precious enjoyable memories that came with it. I treasure the moments together with you, seeing your smile, teasing you.

It's comes the moment I foretold, where my heart withers away. All these scars and memories, calling out, returning me to the void of the abyss. I no longer know how to love anyone, and my resources are depleted.

I dont want to lose you. You're the last of the 3 I currently have, more so, someone really special to me. I dread the day, I'll be completely alone, just a wandering soul.

But I'm sorry, sorry to make you cry bitterly like that. I cant pretend to hold on to you when I'm little strength to sustain it. I dont want to give you a false hope either.

I hope and pray you'll be fine. And that I'll still be able to enjoy the company of your friendship.

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Impetus
Thursday, June 16, 2011

Now I finally realize the impetus my selfishness have caused. And I'm ashamed at myself. The damage I've caused you. The broken promises, the hope I gave but never fulfilled. I'm sorry.

Right not, I probably cant feel any more a bastard than ever. Here I am, crying and complaining about my hurts, and there, I've forgotten about you, your pain. I got so involved in seeking things for myself, I made so many wrong mistakes, neglect, selfishness, complacency. And all that I am now, I'm ashamed. I wished you told me earlier. I wished I know what goes on in your mind.


I wished you knew why too though...
Things weren't easy for me either. Going for you, was one of most joyous, yet most painful journey. Getting to you was never easy, having my own burdens to bear. You hardly ever express yourself, leaving me to second-guess everyday, vigilantly worrying about having to make the right moves. Having to struggle with rejection and value being my biggest stronghold, added on with what I constantly faced with you, each time you pushed me away without giving me any knowledge of my worth. It has been a long time you know, and I've been really tired. I've grown weary with this prolonged treatment. I loved you, I've always do. Ultimately choosing to put aside much of myself for you. Perhaps it wasn't enough. But really, I wished you knew, little as it is, I always gave you my best.



But for now, its time, after so long, that I'd put myself aside for you. Just forget myself, and go all out. Why bother with all these selfish needs when its merely temporal. I wish I could go back in time to undo all my mistakes. Things I shouldn't have done, words I shouldn't have said, moments I shouldn't have neglect. I wished I held you closer, loved you more, made you happier. All these are my fault, and I'm grateful there's still a chance to re-compensate.

Qi, I'm sorry I've been such a jerk, causing you so much pain. Please give me another chance. I'll love you as much as I can as best as I can, I'm not sure how long I can hold out without any input.

And qi, dont go. I don't ever want you to leave. If best I hope you never will. I'll try letting go of myself first. If I can do it successfully, you'll never have to feel these pain ever again. I'll try ok, I'll try.

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Life isn't always fair;
Tuesday, June 14, 2011

If I hold on, I hurt. If I let go, I lose; you.

I dont know what's right and wrong anymore. Should I keep fighting for you, persevering against all those lies or should I let go and have faith that things can still go on without me.

The damage is mounting, scarring me deeper than ever. That portion of my heart is atrophying, and sometimes I rather you deal me the mercy blow and end this one for all.

I cannot understand the nobility of the actions you claim, having only experience immense pain each time. My mind is at a great loss, a deprived state of understanding of how, you'd chose mercilessness than to heal my pain.

My first true developed love for another person in my life, and I guess it will be my last. It'll take a miracle, or for someone else to pursue me through my own defenses and into my abyss to catch me, but I doubt it will ever happen.

There's much to be grateful for. Having to know love, and the privilege of being one that would pursue almost endlessly; something I thought was never possible in this world. But of course, even heroes have to make sacrifices, and I guess mine's part of my heart.

They say the process is more important than the results. Maybe having failed all these, the process still made me someone better albeit against my desires of the end product.

The pain and agony, searing negative thoughts into my brain. Everyday, I wonder foolishly whether, you'll fight for me like how I've fought for you. After all that I've done, would you lay aside your things and come for me when I need you. I know it shouldn't be the main focus, but my human heart cannot take another level of abandonment. Something which I have an assumption you didn't care less about.

Enough of all those complaints and aimless thoughts, having played through my mind long enough for you to take heed of.

Now comes the choice, do I still hold on, or let go? If I let you go, allowing your path, how good would it be? Will you leave happy? Will I move on well? Will it be my fault if I stop fighting for you? Will I ever find a closure to that void in me?

Sometimes, maybe you dont understand, but I have already a plan to let go of you, for you to go your way. Just not so early. I wanna be able to spend and appreciate the most of my moments with you. But nah, you keep pushing me away, controlled by your fears, tearing me down each time.

You said I'm someone precious. Someone you are thankful for. Yet I cannot understand how and why you would treat me this way. Sometimes, I feel like pitting my own death to avenge yours, but that would do any good would it? If you harden your heart, then my death would be a pitiful waste.

I've fought hard over these 2 years. It amazes how you care yet not care for me. Thankfully, it's always til the final second before impact do you come swooping in like an angel to rescue me; but only to place me back on top of mountain peak. Sure you could keep doing that but who's gonna be the one after you leave?

If there be some consciousness of humanity in you, then I beseech you to hear me out. The greatest pain I've suffered over these years will not be when you leave me, but when the accumulated undue stress you've put me through all this games. If all your actions is on the reasoning of hurt, then let me tell you, you're causing what you're trying to prevent. Fears, never lead you to the right path. But, with the benefit of doubt that there's other reasons, then well, do as you deem fit... Just treat my hurts as collateral damage.

Just to let you know, I'm letting go of you. It doesnt mean I'm giving up on you, it only means that as much as I love you, I'm giving you the freedom to choose what you want. If you value this friendship, and everything that still exists before the deadline, I'll be here. But if you choose that its fine with you to disregard us for more important issues, then I painfully give you my blessings to go.

Having said so much, the conclusion is not my to create. I'm only a pathetic mortal, under the score of divine destiny, riddled with temporal challenges to an eternal future.

From the line from the creation of this blog til now, whose origins I cant rmb how,

"Let go and believe"

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