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Uncertainty
Monday, September 3, 2012

Lord, I thank you for everything that has happen in my life, both the good and the bad. Thank you for the person I am today. BMT has been going well for me. It's been a good experience, and I have been growing in body and mind. I pray that You help me develop good spirit too, that I may continue to grow in likeness of you. Help me to put aside anger, and give me a heart of patience and compassion towards those who I dislike. Parts of my life feels uncertain now; friendships and people that I do not know what to do about. I feel worried sometimes too. Father, may my soul find rest and peace in Your arms, and that my security be found daily in your unchanging ways. Fill the emptiness in me with Your great and sweet unconditional love. May I hold on to your hand as You hold on to mine, in helping me navigate through this time of uncertainty. Take care and bless those near to my heart, and you fill our hearts with Your indescribable joy, grant us added mercy and grace in all that we do. Amen.

Nico.

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To abide with you overcomes all.
Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dear God,

It's getting harder to hold on to her. Things are becoming more extreme.

Each time I just feel so defeated. The heartaches, the worries, and my own failures that adds it up. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle, no matter how much I try. My efforts always turn up futile against the odds of circumstances.

Pa, I'm tired. Tired of trying non-stop and still failing. I'm lonely. Lonely of having to carry this burden alone by myself. I'm dejected. Dejected of my little never being good enough for them. I'm unhappy. Unhappy with the flawed person I am and the failures I have.

Pa, I don't know. I don't know how to hold on to them, even though deep inside I know they mean something to me. I don't like that I'm doing things that hurt them, yet I'm don't even know how to change out of it. I don't know what to do, to help myself make them feel love.

Pa, my heart hurts a lot. It hurts a lot whenever she coldly disacknowledges me whenever I try to talk to her or do something. Sometimes I try not to think about it, but inside I feel so worthless, like I'm someone not even worth giving a look at or cared about. I really hate that feeling, I really hate it. It's hurting me so much, it breaks my soul every time it happens. I wish she'd stop.

I care for her, I really do. But why do I keep hurting her and the people around me? Why is it that I sincerely want to change, yet I'm unable to pull it off, and it only looks like hypocrisy to them. I want to undo all the hurts I keep causing, yet in the process things get worse. And in the end, no one recognizes the difficulties I'm trying to conquer with my scarred hands.

Pa, I can't take the pain. Every day, I just want to drop it all, run away from it. I tell myself each time, I want to go. The heart aches of watching her waste herself away, to despair, to self-harm, I hate that feeling so much, and like there's nothing much I can do about it in my strength.

But I'm reminded always, that I cant give up, I mustn't give up. Love endures. Every time the next conflict happens, everything in me screams for a release, yet my heart tells me to hold on, just a little bit longer and some good will happen one day. I know that even in my weakness, and flaws of creating all the mess, I shouldn't give up. That I need to look past the pains and keep persevering. I have been, but it's becoming just so hard.

Pa I don't want to focus on these pains anymore. I don't want to keep seeing the hurts. I really cant do this by my own works. Only You can make a miracle. Only you can make a way. Pa, I really give up, I give up trying so hard to do all these. I just want to look to You and trust in You now. I surrender in my weakness.

Pa, I'm desperate. I'm at the verge of the cliff. I don't want to lose her. She's precious to me. But only You can take me where my feet cannot bring me. Only You can take me to the depths of love my own flawed heart cannot. I dont want to do this for myself anymore, because it no longer means anything. All I just want for her is to be happy, genuinely.

Pa, it's so very difficult, the piercing heartaches, but Pa, You love me, and I know You love her so much. The extent You would go, to leave behind 99 to find one who went lost. To pursue can chase with everything You would. The distance you would go for her, Pa I know I can't do any less. I want to have that same love that You have for her. My sufferings are nothing compared to yours.

Pa would you please help me abide in your love, that I may too reflect off that unfailing love. Father help me to go out for her the way You would. Beyond the pain, beyond the cost. Help me to love her in a wholesome manner. Remind me to not use my own strength in this. To lift up all the worries and pain to you.

Be the center of this all. Only you can make the impossible possible. The unthinkable a reality. And Your grace is made perfect in my weakness. Pa I ask that you render me useless that i can wholly rely on you.

Let me abide in you, to find a love that surpass my own limitations, that I'll be able to touch her life, and that she can find true love in you as well. All in all Pa, I don't want to do this anymore. I lift this up in spirit. For your love, and for her. Help me to overcome the greater obstacles ahead. More sacrifice and pain awaits, but let my eyes be on for You and the greater goal. I know it'll be worth it all.

Father, I pray for your protection over her, watch over her path and keep her from harm. Be with her in times of loneliness, a comforter and friend. Heal her from the hurts that has been done to her, by me and anyone else. Restore the meaning and purpose in her heart. Let your favour be upon her in everything she embarks on. Father would you guide her to an understanding and acceptance of your love. Clear her mind of any negative thoughts, and replace it with your joy and peace. That your grace and mercy be with her. Man may fail, but your love remains unfailing.

Father change me to become a stronger and better person. Grant me the ability to do what I cannot. Let your grace be perfected in my weakness. To love where my heart ceases, to keep, to protect, to cherish everyone around me. Empower me to be a vessel of your love, and out of that natural heart, your abundance will flow. To see past the pain and difficulties, in the shadow of your great measure of long-suffering, for that final trophy of gain I will pursue.

Cos you alone can rescue, and you alone can save. Not by my works, but by the word of your will. I want to set my heart right before you. In honour and exaltation. You are above all. Let thy works unfold in a miracle, and may my heart give praise in everything. You are the hope of the hopeless, the light in the dark, the love in our emptiness, the friend in our loneliness, the comfort in our sadness, the refuge of our haven, the acceptance of the rejected, just measure of the oppressed.

I want to abide in You.

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Yet so undeserving, He came to love
Thursday, March 11, 2010

This thought was inspired when my mom’s car drove past Changi Prison. We were chatting about the upgrades of the prison and how the old prison was in such a bad condition. You could sleep at night and have your furry roommates nibble at your toes, rats, that is.

“But they’re criminals, don’t they deserve it? After all, why should they be given a comfortable place to stay in after their evil deeds?” I thought, as we turned left at the junction. God chided me. “Where is your compassion? Where is your mercy?” came the reply.

Such is a judgmental spirit we tend to have. We reason our actions on what people have or have not done, or whether they are fit for such treatment. To a friend who takes your kind actions for granted, who laughs off and overlook the extra miles you take to help them. To the project mate that bums about doing nothing, leaving you all the work to do, and claiming credit for the “A” your work has brought forth. To the annoying brat who mocks your forgiveness and fool around with your second chances. To the prisoners serving their sentences, they did wrong and got their just desserts.

We as humans on one hand tend to take things for granted, on the other, seek appreciation and recognition for our efforts. We sometimes reach to a conclusion that those who don’t bother to even reciprocate our goodwill and take it for granted really shouldn’t be given such a privilege.

First, gratefulness; they don’t deserve me doing all these for them if they aren’t gonna care. Straight to the point, I’ll say, hey you know what? I think we’re horribly ungrateful people in the first place. All the things in our lives, having it with us all the while, nothing really matters. Parents, a roof above ours head, money, the list goes on. When it’s gone, we feel the discomfort and realize, “hey, those were kinda important…” It seems unfortunately, that we often begin to truly appreciate things too late, when we lose them.

From a Godly view, we probably all take His grace for granted way too much. Take for example, the Israelites when roaming in the wilderness for 40 years. God did many mighty miracles in front of their eyes; surely they should have revered Him. He parted the Red Sea for them to pass, and closed it up upon their enemies. Surely He must be God? He led them by a pillar of cloud by morning, and a pillar of fire by night. Surely He must be God? He sent forth gushing waters as Moses struck the rock. Surely He must be God? He fed them with heavenly manna as they cried out to Him. Surely He must be God? But no, despite all the wonders and miracles seen with they own eyes, they turned to worship other gods. (That was until they repented) But hey, surely if it was us, after seeing all these, we would praise Him in gratefulness right?

Perhaps. Not. Sure, rare are such sights of amazing visible feats and they were meant for old times like that, you know, maybe not for modern society. I mean like you know, there’s nothing there for us to be much thankful for? But what defines a miracle? Something that’s mind-blowing? Something impossible made done? Something tangible and visible we can see? Like… a house to stay and beds to sleep in, surely we thank Him? A home where we do not worry about the next time food arrives on our plates, surely we thank Him? A proper education system, surely we thank Him? A country with freedom of religion, surely we thank Him? A land free from war and natural disasters, surely we thank Him? We do right? Or do we not? Are these not miracles by which He provided for you? And are these not miracles and wonders you see before your very eyes? Do we lift up our voices in praise and adoration for God in thanksgiving for His daily mercies and grace?

So why then do we take all these things for granted? Life become so comfortable, we forget what is given and what is deserved. We deserved nothing, but are given everything we need to live life as it is. God provided the Israelites all they needed, but their hearts grew hard and forgot Him. Similarly, God has provided so much for us, but our hearts grow hard, and we take things as though we deserve them, by no merit, we ask(demand) for more, and when we don’t get that more, we complain and murmur about God’s indifference to us and our prayers. We really are a darn ungrateful bunch aren’t we? So then God ought to hold back His blessings since we’re such an unfeeling and ungrateful people right, according to how we as men do things. But He doesn’t. Because He loves.

Which brings me to my next point. Love. A love that is unconditional, regardless as who the person is, what the person has done, or how he or she reciprocates your actions. Matthew 10:8b writes “freely we have received, freely shall we give” and in 1 John 3:11, "Beloved, if God loved us, we also ought to love one another" so as God has love us unconditionally of who, what and how we are, we rightfully ought to do the same for others.

The word “agape” should be a representation of how our love should be. An unconditional and spiritual love of God for men and when we do things, regardless out of goodwill or not, we should not have any expectations. It could be put as such, a one-sided affair. You go all out for someone, whether or not there are any returns. You do it, because you love, and by love, I refer to “agape” love and not “eros” love, which represents the carnality and sensual affections people have for another. An example would be a mother’s love for her child. Unspeakable depths of love she goes to love her child with. Likewise we should love the people around us, and have mercy unto those who transgress us. Because ultimately, we’re the ones that are set free.

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The day before my birthday
Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Haaa, celebrated my birthday with some big chocolate mousse cake. And then take photo with me cake and fire~ Had my cake thingy since I'm busy on wednesday and friday and haha I'm leaving my thursday night free if possible, like maybe if anything happens >_<

Yea some random pics. (tomorrow then i post up the pics) =P










The best gift I could ask for cannot be bought by money, nor created by hands. All I wish for are your sincere heartfelt prayers and blessings. Cause everything I really want this year is to grow closer to God, be a muuch much better person, not for myself but for Him. And most importantly, I really really wanna grow closer and build an intimate relationship with my Father. That I'll talk with Him everyday, and may His presence fill my life, and that I'll walk closer to Him each passing day ^^

Haaa, the excitement!!~

Just for laughs, I was taking pictures in the dark ya, so I wanted to do some picture where I was staring closely at the flame. Wahaha, my eyes were so close to the candle, I could smell the fire =P and then got some sizzling sounds. I thought my chocolate was making funny noises. And then it sizzled again. And again. Then I thought, oh no die, I think I just fried my hair. Hurry on to on the lights and heyooo wat cha know, I did!! LOL How cool is that, I actually burnt my fringe from the very flame of my birthday cake!


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For He'll wipe away those tears and pinch your cheeks
Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Today was an awesome day. Yes, it was full of smiles and sorts, but I think more importantly, it's a day where I became the one I wanted to be for which I wanna thank God =)

I did, to much of my fuller extend, with His grace, know that others were blessed today.

Laptops, words, time, sleep. Haha, its great seeing blessings take place and yea. May He touch more lives thru me :)

Cos that prayer I said for you, is His thoughts for you ^^

Cos He'll wipe away those tears and pinch your cheeks so you'll hav a big smile on your face. Believe. For He will, and He did.

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