Today's been a pretty eventful day. Surprising, comforting, shocking, and stressed.
Part 1
Let start it off slowly. Settled myself towards the whole hiclub thing. Its kinda like fire and refinement, burning away all the impurities and probably what I felt was God once again at work with my priorities. Well, as much as me emoing and all that shit, I'm stronger than that ba, just a grieving period before knowing my self and how somehow I'll still get back up. In the end, I got back what I wanted after surrendering it. Life sometimes is about priorities. God doesn't wanna take away what we love, our passion and all, but for us not to let it become our sole motivation and driving force.
Part 2
Proceeded to MV afterwards. Woots, struggled with it man. Somehow couldn't bring myself to do it, despite promising Ivy I'll do better next time. Bleh, talk is cheap. Though I really wanted to do better. Kinda annoyed by all the random people around staring at me, not that i'm conscious but I just felt pretty annoyed, like heeeyimalreadystruggling with bringing myself to express and then got all these annoying buggers.
Reached to a pretty stressed level, cause in the end, I didn't really do much, and kinda wasted the team's time. Stressed over that I had to do it, out of my responsibility to friends, wasn't something I would have just dropped if I wanted to. And in as much as I hated, struggled, and felt the inwards of me tearing apart, I felt no choice but to do it. Haha, then they keep saying to maybe cancel it, which naw. Kinda sucked though, especially that I couldn't do it well. And was fairly annoyed by the point that everyone else was just talking and yet no action shown to me. Felt sucky cos kinda pressured into everyone telling me to do it, yet no one showing/proving to me they can face this struggle too, and then being faulty and not being able to progress the MV. I just wanted you all to prove to me I'm not alone in this struggling cos I feel dam victimized, and that as long as you all show me you can do it too, I'll make myself to do it as well.
Think not bad, maybe for once, or hardly, these peeps have seen my vulnerable side, of me wavering into despair, hope, in a loop. Frustration and constant whining, woots, you should see the way or the speed I talk when I'm stressed man, I talk faster than my brain even processes. But yea, thanks to everyone being so patient, as well for believing in me. Though I hate it, curse it, gonna kick its dam ass if I could, but BAAAAAAAAAAHowells, I'm too freaking bendable to resist lolz. Beginning to love you bunch anyway =P Can see the circle growing bigger, kinda cool =P
Part 3
3rd part would be me actually expressing the hiclub issue to timothy. Was kinda apprehensive about it well, was kinda afraid he might emo if he couldn't do anything about it. Cheh, and then he say he wouldn't, and wont force me to say becos he knew that I'll be strong somehow to get up again. Lol, cool that you know me well, but walao, LOL just becos I strongish then you no need show concern is it =( Sad sia, hahahajkjk. But yea, didn't really want things to change because my own selfish desire either.
Also got to practiced the genuineness that I often talked about in friendships. Wa seriously, dam hard to do it man. Struggled again like siao, trying to mouth it, lol and then they said I look like a kid =.= But yea, finally said it out, thanks to zx facilitating as well, and finally clear much of the misconceptions, but haha, kinda nice. Overcoming the awkwardness and simplistic escapism to bring myself to the point of genuineness, (with all the observers lol so weird). Glad things took place too =)
Ending
Thanks everyone for their concern, and even to the people who think I dunno =P But yups, I think it's nice that you all care about me, but after a certain point of time, you guys needa ensure I stop emoing. I acknowledge a period of grievance, but after it, one must move on. I'm amazed by my change and growth since a year back perhaps, emoing would set me back a few days, or weeks. But for now, my emo hardly last the next day. Besides, as friends, you gotta watch my back too =P if you catch me 2 days after my emo season, forget about worrying about me. I'm probably cool long before =P
Yea hahax, my new self concept, I'm invincible ^^ (at least without being chased by knife wielding gangs...)
It's my 300th post, and it's gonna be one hefty one.
The third blast came today upon the revelation of instructors and partners. Was contented I was working together with Hanisah, but the changed of partners kinda left me worrying again. And so it did, got a partner, whom my dynamics might not work well with, just my current assumption since nothing has been done yet but yea. To clarify, it's not my partner's fault, its mine. As zx said, she's easy. The thing is, I'm not.
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Entered the room without much enthusiasm, didn't really wanna get myself all high only to be disappointed again. But kinda emo-ed even more after the instructor thing. Couldn't take it I just had to leave the room. My hi club dream had kinda shattered.
No longer is my stress towards not having a home, but more for the reason of the potential I see in the newer batch, how much things I can pass on to them, now that our time will soon be over. How much I can work on them, bond them together with the already so favourable conditions we have. How the juniors can be equipped with more skills to lead hiclub on. And along with the heart that they now possess, as that which is required to be kindled for the Basic A's.
Even more harder that I already formalized my plans for Basic B knowing I would be there, ignite my passion for it, only for everything to become naught, to be placed back in Basic A, where my heart no longer resides. I hope I can overcome it soon, because it isn't gonna do justice to my partner and my class.
Agony.
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Going back into the same situation during pre-main comm. Preparing to regress into my own created world, with my own mission, and stuff. I hate it when the ties that bind cuts like shit. Starting up my own performance projects in hope that I can engage the juniors, as well as for us to be able to express song signing in the sense of music, without relying on an event. I prompted this project 6 months ago without much feasibility. This time, I'm gonna start it on my own, with the help of a selected few friends, and I hope, it'll be something with impact.
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Next, I think it's pretty nice knowing and seeing the concern of the people around. Quite emoish since the hol's. Beginning with just recuperation from the constant camps, greatly affected by Basic A/B thing. It was then when my spirits immediately dropped. Kept quiet mostly and just being to myself. I think it's really nice that many ppl around noticed somehow, maybe it was super obvious, lol, kinda failed in hiding it xD But even people I least expected it from expressed awareness of my low spirits. Thanks for all the concern and for looking out for me ._. appreciate it
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The 3rd blow was the ultimatum tough. Couldn't take it anymore. Either I could sit there do nothing, like completely nothing because it just feels so worthless for anything else to be done, or I had to do random acts to keep my mind off it. Couldn't even bring myself to talk to my partner because I didn't want to feel like a complete hypocrite trying to act nice and friendly when I wasnt that way.
After meeting, I was shifting between emo, hostility and pure randomness as coping mechanism. Hostile from the point that I just felt so frustrated I wanted to scream and bang things and just do some stuff to vent it all out. but yea, masked it under "jokish buay song-ness". And then pure randomness out to distract my mind away from it. And to the emo parts when walking to marketplace for dinner, there were so many times I just felt like stopping, and not going anywhere and doing anything. But I moved on either way, didn't really want to affect the friends, or at least not to affect even more. But sorry for emoing so much or in such obvious manners, I really cant hold it back, cos it hurts like crazily deep, it feels like my heart is being crushed.
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Sometimes I look back and wonder why my hiclub life has to be so unfavourable. Again I asked myself if it was just me or that the grass always is greener on the other side. Logically comparing, I never really had the better side of things. In Basic A, I was the only one on my own in class. Couldn't make it for instructor the next sem, and Basic B class had Timothy but otherwise with classmates who wasn't really enthu or anything, overriding my choice of song that none in the end really wanted to perform. Intermediate left me alone once again with all my friends and comfort in classes on a different day, further strained by the separate isolated venue from all other classes on the same day, couldn't even see them if I wanted to. Class itself wasn't as ideal as I wished it would be. Now I'm in my fourth sem, unable to attend Alumni, my passion for Basic B and the future generation left redundant, dynamics clash with partner, needing to give up all the plans I have for the juniors, and with my instructor group once again being less that what I wanted, seeing all the people I enjoyed on the other side, especially the juniors I was looking towards. Mostly on the other side, the greener patch. Suck sometimes.
Learning to enjoy and make do with my own patch of grass =l Think it sucks a lot though, as in often having the "not as nice" part. As I struggled with the previous sem, I think it'll be even greater this sem, with me constantly looking across the fence, seeing their faces, seeing their fun. It's hard, but I'm gonna need to learn.
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While this part is my notes to the people.
To Tim, I wonder sometimes if you do know why I'm emoing. Can't really bring myself to tell you, in a sense cos you were partially the cause of it. HAHA, not intentionally I supposed but part of your reply made me feel it didn't concern you, and I guess that I shouldn't be loading this burden on you, you've got your own things to solve too ._. Didn't wanna tell you also cos I don't wan you feeling guilty if you knew my major emo was cause of your decisions. Kinda weird with you trying to show concern when you are the trigger of my emoness. Hais owells.
And then to ZX.
Lol at you catching all my emo moments. Thanks for understanding and trying your best to pacify me as well. I think, really also, to thank you for your selflessness in being willing to give up your things to give me a better moment, really appreciate it. But I feel that these are just moments in life, I have to deal with and learn from. I can't be always getting my way right, sometimes, life also requires you to give up what you desire for a better purpose unseen at the present moment. Such is the life of mine, the requirement to give up one's rights and desires for the work of God's plan. Sucks, but I'll be over with it in time. Survived till now haven't I. I'm invincible ^^ Thanks for being so awesome though
And thirdly, to you huiqi, nah, not that I affected you much, but no matter what there's always that ripple effect on whatever I do that will affect others. Not important. But I think would be more of, me saying it a secret in the sms when you asked. I wanted you to well, know a bit on the feelings with having to deal with all these secrets. Doesn't really do much I know since you're pretty hard and I'm dang soft too. You know, to be honest, each time you ask something about me, I always think twice about saying it, because the first thing that comes to my mind is why should I, when often, answers are being kept from me. In terms of equity, we're way off balance, you having the privilege to my blog which more or less spills everything, and in me answering most things but yet little in reciprocity. Of course in the end I still do tell, though really, there are times I feel like not telling you out of revenge but it doesn't do any good does it?
Hais. I don't know about you, but often, it frustrates the shit out of me, when one simple convo results in three, "cant tell me"s. Struggled with this issue with Timothy, and then now I'm having to deal it with you over again, with a greater extent. I know I shouldn't be focusing on the equity but I think there's a limit to how much a friendship can extend without genuineness. Not that I wan force you reveal everything but aiyo ._. considering what you know of me and I of you, the scale is tilted very much to one side ._. But ah whatever shit it is luh, I'll just try my best to do what I can, learn what there is, and well, for things to happen. I can barely keep up to your emoish moments let alone manage my own feelings towards the rest of it. Hais, give me some chance bah ._. loosen a bit can. I know I'm quite a sucker much at dealing with you,but urgghh, I dunno what to do liao. It's the freaking urge to drop, yet I cant do it. Am I just being stupid or what.
Thanks to all the rest out there as well, for noticing me, even thinking about me, and having the patience to cope with my "pms-like" emoing style. I hope I'll get better, probably will. I'm stronger than all these shit, it just hurts. For awhile.
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So I will be strong. Won't let this pain beat me down. Just the grieving moment of pain of letting go and trusting in God's better plan in stored. I will be well, cos...
It's lunch time now and I'm sitting alone at the clusters. Shoo-ed timothy away cos I just needed some time alone, thanks though.
Met the ECH peeps today at the lecture halls. Love them awesome peeps. Cheerful and nice bunch ^^ along with the awkward hugs ahaha. Thanks though =) Helping me open up also. hehex =x
Anyway, lagging behind the number of things I wanna post but hey, things struck and yay, I'm full of emotional fuel and motivation to write it then yea. One of the struggles I feel I'll be facing in time to come.
2 sems ago, I struggled greatly with the deal that I couldn't be an instructor because of cell. Most people wouldn't understand how much it meant to me, more than just teaching and stuff, but to be part of this family I desired. And even beyond.
I struggled with my emotions throughout half the sem, wavering between envy, jealousy, bitterness, anger, and maybe passive acceptance before really coming to terms to it.
Once again, it's coming, and twice the blow. Is this an ordeal God is testing me with? To surrender my rights, my desires that my life be not mine but His for His purposes? Cause it hurts. Much.
Beginning with cell again clashing with the alumni classes, forfeiting my chance to be part of the community, expanding my skills, and song signing with formation and everything I wanted to do. But yup, cant go, and I probably have to give up this part of me again. Currently I'm feeling nothing towards it, but I can sense the slow tension building as the days draw near, and my aspirations take flight to a realm of nothingness. I'm afraid I'll become redundant, and lose my worth. Not that I want to put down people, but I don't think anyone would understand how much this means to me more than just being in Hi club.
Well, that aside, got a new blow to me, when I found out the reshuffling of instructors. Now teaching Basic A with a new partner. I dunno. I was kinda surprised, especially when the reply was because I said I wanted Basic A.
True enough, I originally wanted to teach Basic A cause I felt like I could instill the passion in them, at the same time, fearing the increase difficulty in Basic B. But as time went by and I spent more time with the new juniors, I kinda fell in love with them all, and how much they were so homely, I really wanted to see them all and teach them again. With their passion and dynamics as well, I'm sure I could engineer a really good class and impart skills to them, after my maiden attempt at Basic A.
And now teaching Basic A would be about kindling flames again, without much skill to play upon or develop. Kinda feel that teaching Basic A would also kinda mean I'll be out of touch with the current juniors, while having to work on the fresh batch.
Again, though it isn't much to some, baaah it just cuts the shit outta me having to go through it. Well, he too was forced to teach intermediate, but heh ._. I guess I'm being selfish here, but dang, needing to pump extra into a new batch of students, ohboyz....
But yupz ._. kinda sucked more when I didnt get an empathic reply other than a just, "too bad" and a few more tries of pitying before realizing, I shouldn't be doing it to him.
Hais. God, why, why is it that my only current passion in life, that you ask so much sacrifices. I know there will be better things in stored, but the pain of having to let something good go at the moments hurts like crazy. Having to take the faith to give up something so precious and believing something greater to come, easy to say, hard to do.
But I don't really have a choice rite, and I don't want to wallow in self pity and stuff. Dear God, please give me the strength to overcome this coming struggle. It's gonna break my heart more than ever.
I'll only give you one day to emo and then you need to adjust. Get up and over with it. Look to the future. I'll try, God, please help me. I feel all alone in this =( And it pains like shit. Losing it all to gain something of deeper worth.
I think I might have made a wrong choice. For a path so tempting, a company so alluring, and a lie so devious, between the tough choice of home or the world, I chose the latter.
I think that's what it feels like, a heart that is never at ease, knowing it deviance from the right choice. Making the best of what I had, fighting hard to stay pure within the evil that surrounded me. If it means I need to be quiet, and alone, I'll just have to do it. At least, to note to myself not in leave myself with such company to begin with.
But I think there are some interesting positive things to watch amongst the events. Notably the enthusiasm and bonding of the juniors as well as unity of the current batch. Pretty lovely seeing how awesome the kiddos are. Wish people around could be like that too, making the fullest and best our of the poly experience before we all head to work/uni.
On a random note, I think I needa learn how to look more on the better side and every good there is in an individual, even the worse seeming one. Gotta learn to love everybody for who they are, including their flaws and mistakes. =P
Another post of semi randomness. This is an interesting first impression account given by a friend, which I find pretty epic xD
"a not serious, immature, and not understanding guy who just care about having fun. I have no idea why such person exist. never am I going to talk to him, why is he always smiling and moving around? super hyped. he is one person that I will never talk to. he probably won't care who I am anyway"
One of my facades with pretty extreme effects. Super interesting, I wonder what's other people's impression of me too =P Good cover for the more chimier and nicer side of me wahahahas. I think I'm someone who doesn't fit my first impression at all. Need to get to know me then can understand. tsk tsk, judge people worx HAHA xD
Anyway, pretty burnt out by camp and all the activities. Expect more of the above impression from me. Please pardon me if I offend anyone with my hyperactive nonsense babbling talkative season. Kinda need a break from things, and this is the temp me while I go in and rest. Yupz ._. Just an external temporal facade.
Random rants~~
I hate school days now because each day I wake up I spend about 5 minutes thinking of what I should wear. I think my cupboard is under-equipped compared to most and thus I spend 4/5 of the time remembering if I've wore a certain top recently. Not to mention I only have 4 bottoms for 5 days. I don't know how I survive. I should be spending that time getting quality sleep instead.
Need to spend money getting some decent clothes too ._. lol but my mind dam small space I can only micro manage a few clothes. I only will use a selected few clothes out the whole lot xD
Oh and it's weird how we people tend to do things that we know will only give us temporal pleasure, only to be feeling all empty of regrets once its over. Like drugs. Needa learn to look past that bit of fun and beyond that moment of guilt and resent.
A random shout out to you reading. Hi! =] Wahahas ^^
Today's class on Counseling was super fun. One of my main interest, but looolz, lecture was super heavy, 106 slides of pure text omg =.=
Was suay enough to kena the first one to do roleplay for counseling practical, mostly made a fool of myself in there, but was really fun actually, just that feels weird to have a whole class outside watching you. Doesn't seem that hard actually. Too bad we cant get to the helping process yet =( I feel so impatient
CBT (cognitive-behavior-therapy) also seems pretty cool after watching the video. Kinda like something I use, so maybe it's my style of psychotherapy =D but sheesh, the Corey dude do until dam pro sia. I wanna like rewatch his vid to analyse how he asks his questions.
Empathy wise also need to learn how to relate and to paraphrase to ensure being on the same page with the client. Something I tend to skip =l Gotta learn and improve on it man. Hopefully can learn more and help lotsa people aroun =)
Anyway, been reading a book about love, love as in the love for the people around us, the care and concern kinda stuff. The choice between selfishness and selflessness.
Anyway, if love was giving even during inconvenient times, I think I haven't been really loving my friends much. I hardly ever the one who initiates the conversation in msn, mostly attributed to my personality, yet shouldn't be an excuse for not doing so. Especially to those whom put in extra effort to try maintain or build a relationship with me. Sorry ya all ._. I'll try learn and be better.
Reminds me of the times where I was mostly the initiator and whenever that person initiated a convo, I would be quite surprised. But having been through it, I haven't realize that I'm the one now who's being difficult.
And sheesh =.= realize I cant make it for tmr's camp lunch cos class starts from 1. Like wuuuut?! Ohwells.
Realized I probably will have to miss Alumni classes for Hiclub this semester. Hais, another round of sacrifice and surrendering? Am so bogged by my current struggles I think I can barely be bothered by it. But well, hopefully I can find some way round it, or I'll just have to learn to deal with it when it comes, in a few weeks more. God, you owe me a thumbs-up =(
Kinda weird cause it doesnt even feel like schools starting. It's been so long since proper school, I think since YOG break? =D 1 month of studying, another month of pure free time which was mostly spent in camps.
Think this break has been one of the most fulfilling moments since any holidays I had. About 5 weeks of holidays, with an epic total of 3 camps in 3 weeks with a count of 15 days =D
Been pretty awesome starting off with church camp, my biggest take back with the principle of truth and it's power. Together with my aim to refine myself and be free from my own imprisonment in my heart. Making good progress though =D
Follow up would be Hi Club camp with my awesome Alululu's. Haha, I think they're the group I'm most proud of, and it always brings me a smile every time I think of them. Hope they got back a lot too and that they'll continue to grow and progress. Hi club camp provided more than just a camp too though. Hiclub feels like my home, and I love the people there =)
And finally, LAC camp! A new experience for a camp group of super enthu chiongsters. My first ever, pretty cool, and even though officially they didn't win, in my heart, they are the ultimate champions =) Learn the important lesson of standing up against conformity to the world and I proud of myself. Gotta work on learning how to bond with people still though =) And the bad experience itself is still a good experience so yea, it was awesome overall =)
And yea, school's on the way and there's a whole bunch of interesting modules this sem! Group dynamics, counselling, and some other stuff I forgot but yea =D Look forward to a new semester, part 4/6 of poly life. Hope things will get better this sem and I'll be able to do much more! Woooo~
Haha, will post about LAC camp, soon once I gather all the pics. And hopefully a post on the current issues in my life =P
Woah, seriously, touching my laptop is such a weird feeling. It feels so clean, (even though my laptop is considered super dirty already) camp was pretty dirtyish and haha, at least my laptop feels particle free xD
Hais, honestly, overall, I don't think I really enjoyed myself in the camp. Felt pretty left out at times and the rest of the moments were left to me struggling to fit in or doing my best to look out for others. Emo-ed every now and then but tried to keep myself up for the campers and my partner.
I'm not shooting anyone nor wanting to judge you, but I'm just expressing my own feelings alrite ._. So no offense if any of you reads this.
To begin with, I really didn't feel at home with this current group of facils. Didn't click well with the guys, and felt like an extra amongst the girls. Most of the times, I was either trying to "make my existence known" either by doing retarded things, joining in conversations, perhaps "hiding' in one corner" passively for interaction or to bide away time and maybe, redeeming myself thru acts of niceness to the peeps around. You know how they say, it's always best to be yourself and not try to be another person, I really struggled with that.
I'll start with the guys first. You guys can be a really fun bunch, and I do enjoy many of the moments with you. The gossips and and weird random things we do, the epic jokes everyone makes. However, I kind felt overshadowed by everyone else, feeling pretty small as though my being there made any difference.
Secondly, I really, really, really hated all the horny jokes about all the kind of sex and humping that is going on around with the guys. It's seriously not my thing, and I find it quite disgusting. In the end, I spend most of my time away from the guys because there wasn't any point tagging along with them watching them do "their stuff" while I stay in one corner. Gay jokes with "manly affection" for another is fine for me, like hugging and stuff, but it crosses the line when people start thrusting their hips with their faces and sexual references. Seriously, it may be a typical guy thing, but it's kinda the reason why I feel appalled and disappointed with my own 'kind'.
As for the girls, most of them are from ech and cpee, and are already pretty close among themselves. Hanging with them felt so muuuuch more comfortable without all the obscene nonsense from the guys. Not really their fault or anything, but in the end, I still felt like an extra among them. And having the typical me and all my lame crap, hope I didn't annoy anyone that much. Tried hard to blend in but obviously we're of different worlds. Haha, they had their own thing, or maybe its everyone as they are and me just being abnormal ._.
Kinda proud of myself though, that at least I made an effort not to dwell on the emo stuff and constantly overcome it, either by reshaping my thoughts to finding better objectives to meet. Hope that I managed to make the lives of the campers around me a bit easier, though I kinda lost it at the last morning =l sorry. Haha, mixed around with Genevieve at times when I see her roaming alone, didn't want her to feel left out either. Haha she has a darn cute random side to her xD Yay for random senseless chats! Evil unicorns making magical marshmallows =P Hahahax
Something I noticed was also the constant touchiness going on about, not that I mean it as a bad thing, but I keep seeing tons of hugs and pats going on about, friend to friend, partner to partner, and I wonder to myself if I'm the only one that's left out in all these. You know, I wonder if this is necessary, or nice, and that I wonder if I do enough to encourage and affirm the people around me. It's kinda weird sometimes to see the people around me "touching" my partner and when I'm not doing anything ._. Hope I didn't disappoint any expectations or anything, cause I think y'all are awesome haha just that I'm a bit afriad to show it in such expressive manners the way ya all do, but wahahas, naise (Y) =D
I think finally to wrap up my whole experience, was the constant battle between trying to fit in and become like others versus going without the need for approval from others, to go solo at times. Was pretty hard, especially with the guys. Constantly thought to myself if I had do the things they did so to be part of them or to just walk away from the things I felt was wrong or totally unnecessary. The struggle between acceptance and deviance. At least I chose not to conform, and I'm proud of it.
Feel like dropping out of most hms activities or camps because of the people. But I should really give it more chance right. After all, there is much to learn even from the difficult situations. I think personally for me, it's gonna be an important lesson, much inclined with my deviant nature. Hopefully though, that I did leave at least a bit of positive impact to the people around me =)
Oh and a quick note to my partner Alida, thanks for being such an awesome partner. Especially during the times when I'm not around. I think you did a really great job (cos I suck at talking to them lol) Oh, thanks for being so understanding too and don't worry about the pissy moments alrite, I didnt really felt them =) And really, from the utmost bottom of my heart, thanks a lot a lot for appreciating my chimness =P Haha didn't really do much of it cos I veh scared I bore you ._. But yea, thanks ^^ means a lot to me =D You're awesomez and nice too! =D
Owells, til the next time then.
I feel like I need an extra dose of love cos everything seems so sucky at the moment
to be filled with little bits and pieces as I stroll along the shore
Am pretty bored and maybe too tired to do anything these past few days. Been idling all around all day. Checking facebook every bunch of seconds. Haaais.
Wishing to go out with people but there isn't anyone near by, and then even so I wouldn't know where and what to do. All I want is a break from everything. Some place where I can be at ease, not think and worry so much and just be at peace.
Feeling a little lost every now and then, feeling that I've lose meaning to the things around me. Like in a daze. Feels like I haven't been about doing what I ought to be doing. I wish I can be just good once again, without much care. It's like back to the state where I feel like being loved again ._.
Oh and dear me, I've realized, I am dam friggin skinny. I didn't really think I was, I mean I know I am, but not like ridiculously skinny. Thanks to all the holidays and skipped meals, my waist is like ... yea ._. It's scary when I like wrapped my waist tightly using my shirt and see how puny it is. ARGHHH O.O I need to be a bit fatter HAHAHA, so tall and skinny, like bamboo like that =P I'll fit perfectly into a corset xD
Been missing people also. Feels empty sometimes. Wishing I can read everybody's blog just to have a update on their lives. It's like when you sweep away all the superficial stuff you'll realize there isn't anything much actually. Feels like I'm not part of anything or anyone, not for the recognition, but for the meaning. Feels as though like I'm doing nothing. Yet to be honest, I don't feel like doing much either o.O
Wanna spend sometimes out with friends, doing nothing and just pure relaxing. Don't wanna think about how to be a friend, nor how to make the day eventful, or anything. Blehz anybody wanna go out? =)
You know, soon all our JC peers are gonna be graduating while we continue our studies. In a certain way, it's kinda like them moving on to the next phase of life first. But nah, I'm happy I still have another year. I love everyone around me, the things I'm doing, and I only wish there will be more time for everything =]
I hate how my house is always void of food somehow. Stocking up doesnt work. The last time my mom brought for me two tubes of pringles, I finished everything the next day. Raaawwr. I wish for a neverending bar of chocolate this Christmas.
and now that I think back, I haven't really celebrated Christmas since about 4 years back o.O woah. So much for presents and stuff. I don't think I even celebrate anything now except for birthdays.
Think I've been improving on my sensitivity, spotting out people's emotions much better =D Now able to sense emoness in others more. Not very smart still though. Gotta work on it.
Dam, my drama aint loading, it suuuucks. I can only find two sources from China webbies and raaawwwr aint wooorkiiinnggg. I wanna watch them get together =(
Refinement of oneself is an infinite progression towards perfection. You get there yet you don't and vice versa.
Wondering what its like to have a girl in my life ._. shall not elaborate further =x
Funny how sometimes, two parties are afraid of disturbing the other. Why not just try?
I wish class can be more meaningful and not be so dead with everyone being so solemn.
It's funny to see how my thoughts are getting shorter and shorter.
Life feels like a toilet roll at times. It goes faster and faster as it progresses.
Dam ecstatic over the performance, as everyone likes it lots ^^ WakaWakaEhEh WHEEEE, one of my best creations ever, of course with the help of many others. But ahhh~ feeling dam happy about it ^^ =D
Just as Expected
Friday, October 15, 2010
We all probably heard of disappointment coming from expectations. But yet, life cant be without expectations. As much as we try, there'll always be that expectation, which is given to us as a gift to be able to think beyond the present and to plan.
I kinda thought about what's the line between good and bad expectations, afterall, an extremity of anything leads to an obsessive rigid person. Cut the thought short would be that, expectations ought be of more altruistic roots.
An expectation of another shouldn't come from an imposed idea from ourselves unto others but more from the potential of another. And when the unfulfillment of an expectation arises, it isnt us who are hurt but only he who failed himself. Meaning like, as friends, we shouldn't expect them to be there for us, do things for us, become a certain person for us, but more of how they as an individual can reach their potential.
Expect things from their perspective. If someone has the right heart to do something, yet is fearful, expect them to overcome it, I think sometimes all these disappointments we get from others and often due to us not getting what we want from someone else. Be it to claim love, comfort, time, words, attention and many other stuff, it boils down to wanting it for ourselves.
To be a little bad, would be how some times paragraphs or passage depicting "love" often are idealistic and selfish? Having someone always there for you, someone to miss you when you are gone, someone to be needed. I'm not sure but does anyone realized the whole object of focus is only the self.
And hence the conflict when two persons, come together with their own idealistic warped idea of a receiving love, and end up sucking each other dry of everything. Love isn't about receiving, it's about giving. When you find love, it's not that you found it, it begun with someone choosing to give it.
Not that all these desires are wholly bad and stuff, but should be something we strike a balance. Too often in our daily lives are we so unaware in our obsession with ourselves, trying to reap benefits from everything that comes across, it cna be quite disgusting sometimes.
I wished people would be more giving and less self centered.
Hi club camp was simply awesome. Love my ALULULU's to bits and I'm just so proud of them wahahahas. They way they practised really hard into signing, seeing them thrash other teams (girl power) and of cause seeing them bond along the way
Had a fairly tough time trying to get everyone to speak cos most of them were so soft spoken O.O most quietest group I've ever had haha. And along the way I kinda felt like I failed as a GL seeing how my group was, but I think seeing the 2nd night and 3rd day made me happy lots.
Did lotsa random things in camp~ Super tired from all the consecutive late nights, probably the cause of my randomness~ Was 3/4 girlish, acting cute ._. wearing makeshift FBT's and digusting the people around me with my obscene sight WAHAHAHA. Emceeing with Rachel, was super hard and had to make a lot of lame jokes at my expense to get the audience to boo me T^T and other stuff I cant remember =P
aiks! Reminds me, haha the performance for camp was friggin awesome =D WATCH HERE!!! Tried out a new style of formation with minimal signing, increased gesturing and a heck lotsa team drama together with mass dance. Really glad that the peeps loved it =D Though sometimes I feel obsolete without the affirmation, just gotta keep believing that it rawks like major shitz wahahahaz Totally made under the aspect of fun without all the stress of remembering and stuff. YESSSSH I pushed new boundaries again =D =D =D
I think one of the thing about ALULULU that really warms my heart is whenever I think about them signing. Most of them aren't that good in it, remember hard their vocabs and signing speed, but what I really loved about them was the amount of effort each and everyone of them put into signing, proven by their great improvement seen in the 2nd day.
~Photos~
PRECAMP
Haha me seeing ghost O.o
Mai shuriken shield =)
Yvette's deformed hand HAHA
Piza dinner! :D
need... to... poo... badly...
Random weirdness~ =P
My FIRE identity :D
CAMP DAYS
Whrroooooraawr!
Guardians Unite!
^^v
Epic catch whooo~
Jumpshoooot~
Hi club
playing hand pepsi cola
slo-mo punch
retake for me to be inside
Girl Power!!
Epic expressions: (from left to right, front to back)
No more toilet paper | Shy | Alululu | Nerdy | Sleepy | Sad | Happy | Constipated | Innocent | Weird? | Angry | Dreaming | Tired/Chui
Alululululu!!♥♥♥
Some love notes to all me campers cause I cant stop telling them how much I love them all, I think Ima become quite naggy
Zafirah:
Haaa~ You are one awesome talent! Your signing skills are really pro haha, thanks for always being so cheerful and enthu :D will definitely miss you when you go =(
Mahirah & Adlina:
Missed you during the nights! Sad that you couldn't join us during the night activities! thanks for practicing so much at home, and then rushing to school early for camp again =D
Cassandra:
Heeey ho, the only intermediate in our group. Definitely weird to be the GL of my own exco xD Thanks for helping to boost the group's spirit with you highness and laughters! :D
Gracia:
Thanks for always being the first few to help whenever I need people. You're good at signing yea, so keep up the good work :D
Mei Ling:
Hahah another one who's first to volunteer whenever I need help. Try not to think so much and just go make friends alright. G
Rosyln:
Haha eesh, you've got one really angelic smile ya hahax. Thanks for putting so much heart into the song signing even though its hard and scary for ya. Saw you practicing a lot during the free time.
Zai Ting:
Wahahas don't be so saddened by the performance kaaay! Hahas you did really well from where you first started! Haha it touches me to se how much heart you put into it =D The performance woouldn't have been better without you with us ^^
Zoe:
Wheee~ Thanks for being so enthu and your big smile =D helps to brighten the day =D Glad to see that your signing have improved! Worked hard together with your friends yea =D
Sean:
Haha the only guy in my group, thanks for being such a sport and staying with us to perform together. Your jokes help to keep the atmosphere light!
Yeng Minn:
Another one we missed during camp nights =( Thanks for being able to perform with us and practicing while away. Hope you enjoyed the camp!! =D
I've realized to the use of the word "kinda". It works as a tool of impersonalization. By adding the word kinda, it adds this vague meaning to whatever you're saying, and then it's left to the other party to evaluate how much meaning to give it, and whether or not how much they rightfully evaluate it, it's their evaluation and therefore not yours and hence no responsibility taken.
Chim. I know.
But imagine this. "I'm sorry for doing this". VS "I'm kinda sorry for doing this." In a way, it's meant for us to escape our own truth, which means whether or not you think I'm really sorry or a bit sorry is for you to decide cause its "kinda" so whatever you decide me to be is because you think/evaluate me that way not that its me being/showing myself that way.
Another way to put it is, "Im sorry, but I'm afraid to face up to you and me knowing I'm sorry so I use these 'vague measure' of "kinda" so if you think Im really sorry or not that sorry, its got nothing to do with me, you thought it that way" Impersonalizing things is just the way people do things to lessen that anxiety they feel. To escape the truth they know.
My own example perhaps: In a simple base thought in my head, "I feel bad for me mistreating you at times". To push away my own uncomfortable feelings and to impersonalize it, as I type the sentence, "kinda" keeps appearing in my mind.
Til it becomes "I [kinda] feel [kinda] bad for me [kinda] mistreating you also at times?"
Or the anxiety thoughts, I feel bad, but I dun dare bring this to light so however you perceive me or how much you think I feel is up to you and your own doing. But the thing is I feel really bad, and I'm just afraid to show it, to face up to the truth. It's like shifting the responsibility to the other party for deciding how much you're in it, like you knowing the truth but not wanting to say it out and therefore passing the responsibility to the receiver to portray what you said, so whatever it is, its their doing.
"I kinda think that love is blind." Example wise, I think that love is blind, but I fear that people might disagree with me or judge me for that, and hence I don't want to meet all these feelings and so I impersonalize it, pull myself out of the picture.
Well, I think the whole based issue would be people actually avoiding the truths inside them. or that real voice speaking and trying to escape from it. Take what you can, but I think it's not able making yourself feel comfortable when saying certain things, but the step of making yourself actually face the whole truth.
Like when saying to someone, "I kinda think no one loves me", change it into "I think no one loves me". Because by doing that, not only do you bring the full truth to the person you're sending it to, but also to yourself. Facing the truth seems hard at first, but you might come to realize, when you stand up to acknowledge the truth face on, things become so much easier to overcome. Because you accept it fully, and not linger about being half-faced about it.
Sometimes I wonder, all this about me feeling I'm too difficult to love, out of a fear to hurt others. What if this 'noble' act taken to one extreme was just nothing but a selfish act of wanting people to love me unconditionally, and that I am unwilling to accept the fact that I'm bound to inevitable hurt someone whether intentional or not. And what if this was so all because I wanted to be loved unconditionally in a selfish way.
Maybe I should stop expecting the love from others, and just love with what I have. After all, Loving others should be from a selfless heart and should be regardless of who I am, whether or not I'm lovable or difficult, that I should love others as how things ought to be, regardless of the returns, if any. Selfishness under the hide of nobility. Needa change.
~~~~~~~~
Oh and woah, nice song, (slow I know =.= but I'm not a music fella so yea) Been seeing it around on facebook at stuff. And darn its amazingly awesome with really meaningful lyrics.
Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars
I wish girls would love themselves as they are instead of trying to fit into some idealistic image set the the world's crappy standards of "pretty". Forget every other negative comments made about your image because they aren't true. Don't try be someone else, cause you're amazing just the way you are.
I find it dam hard to be blogging this here, cos I know some people will be reading this, and I'm dead sure, bound to have either wrong perceptions or either feeling some negative feelings about it, which I don't want, argh but damn it. I'm just gonna it regardless of misunderstandings caused or whatever shit. It's my journal and its your privilege to read if you consider it one.
Feeling dam shitty now. But I'm gonna be honest here. Hope it doesnt affect anyone but yea. and please note, inasmuch as I use this whole experience as a referral and example, I'm not shooting any one direct person or the people around me. So if you feel it applies to you, yea, you're not the only lone person I'm facing this with, so if anyone's to take the blame, I'd rather it be me. I hate it that I'm always so friggin concerned of people misconceptions and stuff, but seriously, sometimes you idiots cant differentiate between the honest thoughts from inside and stuff. Dam. I'm gonna do my best anyway. Whatever happens to you is your own doing.
It's things like this, that makes me feel like a complete asshole and failure. It's a lie they say, that I'm too difficult to love, but sometimes, reality forms out of that, and its not just on baseless assumptions. I'm just in plain a dam hard friend to keep.
I feel so dam tempted to throw away this nice guy thing, and just blow every single shit out, but dam, I'm trying hard to keep my cool. Wrath only incurs more harm then already done. Pardon me for anything offensive.
Now, lie or not, I understand/perceive/believe that I'm a dam hard friend to have. I occasionally live in my own world, insensitive and sometimes, not the more reciprocal friend you could have. I know, but sometimes, it's just me.
And then I wonder if "being me" is just an excuse. But then, why then, why cant people accept me for who I am, even if I'm already so blatantly horribly hard to be friends with. Do people try to be nice to love me, or they try to not think of my bad stuff and look on the bright side? I mean, are you just genuinely accepting of me or accomodating for me to just be friends.
I dunno, I suck I know, like if I was my own friend I know I'm prolly gonna have a hard time. But ohwells anyways, just to give you an accountability in no way termed in excuses but baaa, at times, I'm gonna just quit smsing totally. People dun friggin understand my utmost displeasure for smsing. Do you guys all know how much I really find it hard to sms someone. I hate it. And secondly, I'm one of the most shittiest sms-dao-ster ever, this whole smsing thing isn't in my blood, I'm not very talkative nor much of a phone user and I'm in a camp. I'm bound to forget. I've forgotten to reply countless number of sms-es already.
And yes, this is a rant post about me being all upset and dam guilty about causing someone else to be upset. I lived in a world of hurts before and I really hate for anyone else to feel it too, especially when I'm the cause of it. Yea, feeling completely crappy, shitty, and like a utter failure, I dun even have to face to talk to you anymore.
Hoorays though. Tears. And I don't want you to feel bad about making me upset either. It's completely stupid already that you being upset and then you feeling about me not feeling good about it, cos if you are, get lost. No point having more emo shitz in chain reactions.
And you know what, it's amazing how while writing this, I've somewhat again disappointed another friend, and here he/she goes blarring everything at me, when I'm already in that some what emo state. Saddening how sometimes we people just let loose out emotions and do what ever we feel like on impulse, often without properly/rationally considering the feelings of other person ._. I hope I'm not doing such things too. Kinda sucks if I am =/ Just found out I caused some really bad misunderstanding between some friends. My fault anyway =/
Shit I'm crying again. Why must I always be causing so much hurts to others. And then I trying so hard not to let any of these stupid emo feelings out to the people I'm talking to. Don't want them feeling bad too, it's just my emoish moments anyway =/ Feel like a liar trying to put on smiles. Cant help but repeating apologies over and over and over again to everyone. Dammit, I'm such a failure sometimes.
Feeling dam afraid now. Two camps and I'm having to be GL for both, and then I'm gonna have to make friends again. I have a dreadful fear of causing someone pain again, when they don't have to feel it if they never knew me.
Anyway back to you. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I gave you hopes and then dashed them by being such a prick. I'm sorry I even tried making you trust yet unable to fulfill my side of the responsibility of your trust. I'm sorry... you had to know me and ended up being one of those many getting hurt. Since we're in such a situation, we should just end here. No point continuing in all the hurts and probably more hurts to be caused. And your goal. Thanks. I appreciate it a lot, for wanting to be my friend. Not sure why, but I dunno, well, still yea, thanks. and I think you don't have to care so much about that goal or what, but you being a friend to me during this time, yea, appreciate it a lot, even in the midst of all the cruel suanning, it's my way of expressing it ._. reaction formation ._.
Hais, but yea, you're really good luh, helped me reshape some of my flawed thinking along the way, just need to be more forgiving yea, sometimes, you never know what a small 'petty' act might cause towards others. I think maybe see it as, for every offence done to you, think of the possible offense you might have done towards others, and hopefully things will be less harsh on each other.
And dam it luh. I don't want you to be soft hearted and then later try become friends again. And yea, I'm using this emo time to be hard-hearted to us cause I'm too friggin nice to do such things when I'm 'normal'. but yea. Really, it isn't that I'm giving up on these friendship, but I cant bear to hurt you anymore, I don't want to see you unhappy or anything because of me, and I'm sure I probably will in time. So yea, treat it as I'm selfish or what, I guess we'll end it here. It's a big source of emotional troubles every time I know I fail you again and again. We're better off acquaintances, much easier for everyone, don't have to trouble anyone on having to be a friend or what, but yet still possible to have those occasional chats and stuff. Shit, I still wanna say I'm sorry =/
Sounds familiar bestacq? You'll always come to mind whenever I think of me ending friendships. Your effort to try maintain yet me being crappy and then facing the same cycle of hurts. Duh. Sorry for not replying your chats though ._. Sometimes you catch me of at bad moments, either after you read some emo posts where i'm just not wanting to talk or either if I'm kinda too busy (and then afterward forgetting to reply again =.=) I am such a sucker seriously.
Thank you all for those that were concern for me. Really appreciate it a lot. Thanks, even from those random unexpected few. sorry for not replying/talking much. Just wanting to be alone. But don't hold back your concern next time kay, do it for any other person that is feeling low, don't be afraid, your simple steps of faith and kindness does help them know they're not alone.
Going to bed with a really heavy heart, goodnites~
Throughout the camp, many things needed to be changed. Rain and time snowballing and restrictive circumstances caused so many things to be changed or canceled and we as the camp comm had to be constantly thinking on our feet how to manage the changes.
My heart broke when I saw the thundering clouds came by during the first day. All our efforts, our 2 months worth of planning was going down the drain with a single cumulonimbus cloud to wash it all away. I looked up into the skies and prayed. I prayed that the clouds would go, but also for God's will to be done.
One thing God impressed upon me, was that sometimes when we pray to God with so much hope, that He will help us with a certain scenario, and then it appears as though nothing happened, we begin to feel God isn't there. But are we praying out of own will or for God's will to be done? Is our faith in prayer of a humanly perception of God, or the view of the true God Himself?
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him. (1 John 5:14-15 NKJV)
And when things that we plan for fail or doesn't suit the way we want it, we begin to complain and ask God why, but we need to come to see that many times, God's will for us is far beyond and greater than what we can currently perceive. The human perspective of life is often only confined to the present, what's in stored for them now.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9 NKJV)
And finally, as we understand that as things may not go the way we want, God is in control, and His heart for us to never of harm nor malice, but to help us grow, prosper us. And in NKJV, it is written as plans for "peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:10-13 NIV)
We believe that what we have planned for ourselves are best, also because its in our control. But whatever happens, God is in control with a better future. And everything will work out for good no matter how bad it seems. Just gotta learn to believe, trust, have faith and look beyond what I can see around me.
As long as things don't go your way, God intends something better for you.
One reason why I don't open my heart is cause I have this conception in my head that I'm not lovable, both on the fear that I'll be rejected, and that the present love is too good to be true.
If I'll be utterly honest, I will just say that, I'm living in a lie that I'm too difficult for people to love. I know it's a lie. I just find it hard to come to terms with. But I'm saying this not to show ppl I'm screwed or I need help, but a message to all, you know, to just be truthful and honest with yourself. You have the answers to your problems inside you, and you know what they are. Don't run away, face them, learn and grow. It's hard but it's necessary for you to grow.
Back to me anyways. A little on my history, I grew up without much love, facing lotsa family issues and wasn't socially well to do either. In a quick overall, I faced quite a lot of rejection from the people around me. In the family, I was the much disliked for my tyrant ways at home, resulting in me living a lone and defensive life throughout many years. Outside in the social environment, I was almost no better aside from being just a tad being nicer in valuing people. How ever that didn't stop being from being quite a prick and one horrible irritating jerk, so much so I had to face the ultimate lesson of losing my best friend.
From that day, my life crumbled. Hurts created this vacuum inside me that sucked in every bit of love and sealed them away. Never again, had I let anyone into my life, nor my into theirs. And as the days go, while I adjusted to the circle around me, I gradually learnt to draw upon a heavily impersonalized love to relate to others, which often didn't worked, but more of a way to help them. In a way, I was kinda more concerned for their problems than them.
In present times, I am still affected greatly by this thought. Always feeling that more me disliked me than otherwise. Or that I had too much burdens for others to bear. I was warned the people around me, not to expect from me, a hidden voice saying, don't trust in me, I'll only fail you. I daren't even believe nor fantasized the fact that people around would love me, not even dream that my people around me valued me in their lives. Bullshit I know, but really, I struggle against these thoughts.
Even though I know its wrong, sometimes when I look back into my life, the cumulated amount of disapproval of me outweighs the level of appreciation. People always tell me, but you know, people do enjoy you and like you, true I logically think so, but how much do their actions really prove it. Ready to judge, and show contempt, but always holding back on affirmation
Something someone told me, was to forgive. I've forgiven the people that caused me those hurts, so that shouldn't be an issue. On the other hand, the biggest problem would be, I've never forgiven myself. Never forgiven myself for all the wrong I've done, the stress I've cause, the hearts I've broken. I really find it hard to pardon myself from all the hurts I've caused others, and hence keep myself impersonalized to prevent hurting others more.
My current perception of myself, is that I'm way too difficult for anyone to love. I have too much burdens for anyone else to shoulder. My personality is too hard for anyone to accept, my ways of doing things are too much for anyone to adapt. I'm too much for someone to befriend. I'm too deep for someone to understand.
You know, I write all these not because I'm emoing. I'm just writing this as an acknowledgment to myself. That I have this lies in my head that are working. But you know the most important thing?
I'm gonna make the choice, to overcome this things, to make that difference in my life, because I know I'm made for more than just a bunch of bullshit in my head. I don't care how hard it's gonna be, the amount of awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings there will be, I am and I will be doing it.
Was working together with the gang to do up some MV, on a love song. Yes I know this is much silly for me to be in it in the first place. But yea, apparently there's this part of the script where I have to hold the hand of a girl. Simple thing for most.
I struggled with it for more than 30 minutes? Kinda felt bad that I have to hold back the whole team because of one struggle of mine, but feel grateful that they were understanding enough not to press me or stuff but to keep giving me support.
I think maybe something people might not understand would be that little component kept far hidden into the depths of my heart. I have this part of me locked away, and having to do this simple act of picking up another girl's hand requires me to unlock that side of me, which to be honest, remains locked away since over a decade, only to be genuinely seen by the tender moments I feel towards people such as those who are either terribly emo or just in need. Yea wahaha, rare sight to see Darren being loving ok HAHA.
But yea, it not the act itself that I find difficulty with, but the essence behind the act itself. The essence and function of love behind it. To open my heart up to give out something from it. Yea, I'm dead sure, many people will say I'm putting too much effort/thoughts into just a simple act. But for me, its kinda like a place stored away so long its in a raw form, untouched.
Doing it will be like how some people are unable to talk to their parents, or how some people are just unable to open up their hearts, or to believe that people will be there for them, or that something can make them happy, or maybe, even for some who cannot bring themselves to utter the words of their hearts, the truth that they just want someone there for them, to love them, to care for them (try it actually, to someone, reveal that vulnerable side, that is you actually can do it ^^). For you people out there that have something you just cant bring yourself to do, I'm sure it's not just a casual matter of simply "thinking too much".
Back to love, I believe everyone has that some soft spot, and you ought to know that you don't do that something for the sake of doing it. You can't talk to your dad just to talk, there is a form of love involved. You can't simply trust anyone with your being, you love to accept that you'll have faith in that person, I wonder if anyone understands, it's not the act of doing it, but the essence, the function if making it happen.
But owells. I think it's just really a step for me to take to open this part of me, kept away from the world. Of the cause of this impersonal affections I engage in. I did it anyway, but I dunno if I should continue pressing this, a whole wave of raw feelings can be overwhelming and uncontrollable which gets me a bit fearful.
I have realized, and gotten out of the bed at 4am just to write this down because it dawned about me a new revelations. Why I close up. I close up because I fear to love, and that when I love, I open up and then allow love to pour in. I can foresee how the desperate state of my loveless heart, void of love, where the moment I open the valves, things are going overwhelm every other. And my fear, my greatest fear in life, is being loved. (with cover that in another post)
In my very imaginations of affection. When I see myself holding someone's hands, I see myself opening my heart to love them, and in the reciprocal effect of being loved as I love. This choice to close myself up due to history, have disallowed me to love others and in return to cut myself from being loved. And I've done it so long, I forgotten the goodness of love and fear the feeling of it, that too good to be true feeling. I just know that I have such a high tendency to lose control of myself and overwhelm someone with a love held back for ages, and a love rejected for as long.
This love I speak off is the deeper essence of just the act of love I guess, really I cant find any other way to describe, but for example, like how couples hold hands when they have affections for each other. It's not who they're holding hands with or how, but why there are doing it. That's the core I'm talking about. Love in its most basic form.
This is freaky really. Now that I have open a tiny little hole, I have done two things which I do not normally do in this core of love. I held her by the hand, and to finally address some people as "jie". My very first time outwardly expressing the acknowledgment of "the family". <-- (You see, I really cant bring myself to write the words "my family") Will write more tomorrow.
But... am I finally truly beginning to love and be loved?
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Today's been a pretty eventful day. Surprising, comforting, shocking, and stressed.
Part 1
Let start it off slowly. Settled myself towards the whole hiclub thing. Its kinda like fire and refinement, burning away all the impurities and probably what I felt was God once again at work with my priorities. Well, as much as me emoing and all that shit, I'm stronger than that ba, just a grieving period before knowing my self and how somehow I'll still get back up. In the end, I got back what I wanted after surrendering it. Life sometimes is about priorities. God doesn't wanna take away what we love, our passion and all, but for us not to let it become our sole motivation and driving force.
Part 2
Proceeded to MV afterwards. Woots, struggled with it man. Somehow couldn't bring myself to do it, despite promising Ivy I'll do better next time. Bleh, talk is cheap. Though I really wanted to do better. Kinda annoyed by all the random people around staring at me, not that i'm conscious but I just felt pretty annoyed, like heeeyimalreadystruggling with bringing myself to express and then got all these annoying buggers.
Reached to a pretty stressed level, cause in the end, I didn't really do much, and kinda wasted the team's time. Stressed over that I had to do it, out of my responsibility to friends, wasn't something I would have just dropped if I wanted to. And in as much as I hated, struggled, and felt the inwards of me tearing apart, I felt no choice but to do it. Haha, then they keep saying to maybe cancel it, which naw. Kinda sucked though, especially that I couldn't do it well. And was fairly annoyed by the point that everyone else was just talking and yet no action shown to me. Felt sucky cos kinda pressured into everyone telling me to do it, yet no one showing/proving to me they can face this struggle too, and then being faulty and not being able to progress the MV. I just wanted you all to prove to me I'm not alone in this struggling cos I feel dam victimized, and that as long as you all show me you can do it too, I'll make myself to do it as well.
Think not bad, maybe for once, or hardly, these peeps have seen my vulnerable side, of me wavering into despair, hope, in a loop. Frustration and constant whining, woots, you should see the way or the speed I talk when I'm stressed man, I talk faster than my brain even processes. But yea, thanks to everyone being so patient, as well for believing in me. Though I hate it, curse it, gonna kick its dam ass if I could, but BAAAAAAAAAAHowells, I'm too freaking bendable to resist lolz. Beginning to love you bunch anyway =P Can see the circle growing bigger, kinda cool =P
Part 3
3rd part would be me actually expressing the hiclub issue to timothy. Was kinda apprehensive about it well, was kinda afraid he might emo if he couldn't do anything about it. Cheh, and then he say he wouldn't, and wont force me to say becos he knew that I'll be strong somehow to get up again. Lol, cool that you know me well, but walao, LOL just becos I strongish then you no need show concern is it =( Sad sia, hahahajkjk. But yea, didn't really want things to change because my own selfish desire either.
Also got to practiced the genuineness that I often talked about in friendships. Wa seriously, dam hard to do it man. Struggled again like siao, trying to mouth it, lol and then they said I look like a kid =.= But yea, finally said it out, thanks to zx facilitating as well, and finally clear much of the misconceptions, but haha, kinda nice. Overcoming the awkwardness and simplistic escapism to bring myself to the point of genuineness, (with all the observers lol so weird). Glad things took place too =)
Ending
Thanks everyone for their concern, and even to the people who think I dunno =P But yups, I think it's nice that you all care about me, but after a certain point of time, you guys needa ensure I stop emoing. I acknowledge a period of grievance, but after it, one must move on. I'm amazed by my change and growth since a year back perhaps, emoing would set me back a few days, or weeks. But for now, my emo hardly last the next day. Besides, as friends, you gotta watch my back too =P if you catch me 2 days after my emo season, forget about worrying about me. I'm probably cool long before =P
Yea hahax, my new self concept, I'm invincible ^^ (at least without being chased by knife wielding gangs...)
It's my 300th post, and it's gonna be one hefty one.
The third blast came today upon the revelation of instructors and partners. Was contented I was working together with Hanisah, but the changed of partners kinda left me worrying again. And so it did, got a partner, whom my dynamics might not work well with, just my current assumption since nothing has been done yet but yea. To clarify, it's not my partner's fault, its mine. As zx said, she's easy. The thing is, I'm not.
~~~~~~~~~~
Entered the room without much enthusiasm, didn't really wanna get myself all high only to be disappointed again. But kinda emo-ed even more after the instructor thing. Couldn't take it I just had to leave the room. My hi club dream had kinda shattered.
No longer is my stress towards not having a home, but more for the reason of the potential I see in the newer batch, how much things I can pass on to them, now that our time will soon be over. How much I can work on them, bond them together with the already so favourable conditions we have. How the juniors can be equipped with more skills to lead hiclub on. And along with the heart that they now possess, as that which is required to be kindled for the Basic A's.
Even more harder that I already formalized my plans for Basic B knowing I would be there, ignite my passion for it, only for everything to become naught, to be placed back in Basic A, where my heart no longer resides. I hope I can overcome it soon, because it isn't gonna do justice to my partner and my class.
Agony.
~~~~~~~~~~
Going back into the same situation during pre-main comm. Preparing to regress into my own created world, with my own mission, and stuff. I hate it when the ties that bind cuts like shit. Starting up my own performance projects in hope that I can engage the juniors, as well as for us to be able to express song signing in the sense of music, without relying on an event. I prompted this project 6 months ago without much feasibility. This time, I'm gonna start it on my own, with the help of a selected few friends, and I hope, it'll be something with impact.
~~~~~~~~~~
Next, I think it's pretty nice knowing and seeing the concern of the people around. Quite emoish since the hol's. Beginning with just recuperation from the constant camps, greatly affected by Basic A/B thing. It was then when my spirits immediately dropped. Kept quiet mostly and just being to myself. I think it's really nice that many ppl around noticed somehow, maybe it was super obvious, lol, kinda failed in hiding it xD But even people I least expected it from expressed awareness of my low spirits. Thanks for all the concern and for looking out for me ._. appreciate it
~~~~~~~~~~
The 3rd blow was the ultimatum tough. Couldn't take it anymore. Either I could sit there do nothing, like completely nothing because it just feels so worthless for anything else to be done, or I had to do random acts to keep my mind off it. Couldn't even bring myself to talk to my partner because I didn't want to feel like a complete hypocrite trying to act nice and friendly when I wasnt that way.
After meeting, I was shifting between emo, hostility and pure randomness as coping mechanism. Hostile from the point that I just felt so frustrated I wanted to scream and bang things and just do some stuff to vent it all out. but yea, masked it under "jokish buay song-ness". And then pure randomness out to distract my mind away from it. And to the emo parts when walking to marketplace for dinner, there were so many times I just felt like stopping, and not going anywhere and doing anything. But I moved on either way, didn't really want to affect the friends, or at least not to affect even more. But sorry for emoing so much or in such obvious manners, I really cant hold it back, cos it hurts like crazily deep, it feels like my heart is being crushed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes I look back and wonder why my hiclub life has to be so unfavourable. Again I asked myself if it was just me or that the grass always is greener on the other side. Logically comparing, I never really had the better side of things. In Basic A, I was the only one on my own in class. Couldn't make it for instructor the next sem, and Basic B class had Timothy but otherwise with classmates who wasn't really enthu or anything, overriding my choice of song that none in the end really wanted to perform. Intermediate left me alone once again with all my friends and comfort in classes on a different day, further strained by the separate isolated venue from all other classes on the same day, couldn't even see them if I wanted to. Class itself wasn't as ideal as I wished it would be. Now I'm in my fourth sem, unable to attend Alumni, my passion for Basic B and the future generation left redundant, dynamics clash with partner, needing to give up all the plans I have for the juniors, and with my instructor group once again being less that what I wanted, seeing all the people I enjoyed on the other side, especially the juniors I was looking towards. Mostly on the other side, the greener patch. Suck sometimes.
Learning to enjoy and make do with my own patch of grass =l Think it sucks a lot though, as in often having the "not as nice" part. As I struggled with the previous sem, I think it'll be even greater this sem, with me constantly looking across the fence, seeing their faces, seeing their fun. It's hard, but I'm gonna need to learn.
~~~~~~~~~~
While this part is my notes to the people.
To Tim, I wonder sometimes if you do know why I'm emoing. Can't really bring myself to tell you, in a sense cos you were partially the cause of it. HAHA, not intentionally I supposed but part of your reply made me feel it didn't concern you, and I guess that I shouldn't be loading this burden on you, you've got your own things to solve too ._. Didn't wanna tell you also cos I don't wan you feeling guilty if you knew my major emo was cause of your decisions. Kinda weird with you trying to show concern when you are the trigger of my emoness. Hais owells.
And then to ZX.
Lol at you catching all my emo moments. Thanks for understanding and trying your best to pacify me as well. I think, really also, to thank you for your selflessness in being willing to give up your things to give me a better moment, really appreciate it. But I feel that these are just moments in life, I have to deal with and learn from. I can't be always getting my way right, sometimes, life also requires you to give up what you desire for a better purpose unseen at the present moment. Such is the life of mine, the requirement to give up one's rights and desires for the work of God's plan. Sucks, but I'll be over with it in time. Survived till now haven't I. I'm invincible ^^ Thanks for being so awesome though
And thirdly, to you huiqi, nah, not that I affected you much, but no matter what there's always that ripple effect on whatever I do that will affect others. Not important. But I think would be more of, me saying it a secret in the sms when you asked. I wanted you to well, know a bit on the feelings with having to deal with all these secrets. Doesn't really do much I know since you're pretty hard and I'm dang soft too. You know, to be honest, each time you ask something about me, I always think twice about saying it, because the first thing that comes to my mind is why should I, when often, answers are being kept from me. In terms of equity, we're way off balance, you having the privilege to my blog which more or less spills everything, and in me answering most things but yet little in reciprocity. Of course in the end I still do tell, though really, there are times I feel like not telling you out of revenge but it doesn't do any good does it?
Hais. I don't know about you, but often, it frustrates the shit out of me, when one simple convo results in three, "cant tell me"s. Struggled with this issue with Timothy, and then now I'm having to deal it with you over again, with a greater extent. I know I shouldn't be focusing on the equity but I think there's a limit to how much a friendship can extend without genuineness. Not that I wan force you reveal everything but aiyo ._. considering what you know of me and I of you, the scale is tilted very much to one side ._. But ah whatever shit it is luh, I'll just try my best to do what I can, learn what there is, and well, for things to happen. I can barely keep up to your emoish moments let alone manage my own feelings towards the rest of it. Hais, give me some chance bah ._. loosen a bit can. I know I'm quite a sucker much at dealing with you,but urgghh, I dunno what to do liao. It's the freaking urge to drop, yet I cant do it. Am I just being stupid or what.
Thanks to all the rest out there as well, for noticing me, even thinking about me, and having the patience to cope with my "pms-like" emoing style. I hope I'll get better, probably will. I'm stronger than all these shit, it just hurts. For awhile.
~~~~~~~~~~
So I will be strong. Won't let this pain beat me down. Just the grieving moment of pain of letting go and trusting in God's better plan in stored. I will be well, cos...
It's lunch time now and I'm sitting alone at the clusters. Shoo-ed timothy away cos I just needed some time alone, thanks though.
Met the ECH peeps today at the lecture halls. Love them awesome peeps. Cheerful and nice bunch ^^ along with the awkward hugs ahaha. Thanks though =) Helping me open up also. hehex =x
Anyway, lagging behind the number of things I wanna post but hey, things struck and yay, I'm full of emotional fuel and motivation to write it then yea. One of the struggles I feel I'll be facing in time to come.
2 sems ago, I struggled greatly with the deal that I couldn't be an instructor because of cell. Most people wouldn't understand how much it meant to me, more than just teaching and stuff, but to be part of this family I desired. And even beyond.
I struggled with my emotions throughout half the sem, wavering between envy, jealousy, bitterness, anger, and maybe passive acceptance before really coming to terms to it.
Once again, it's coming, and twice the blow. Is this an ordeal God is testing me with? To surrender my rights, my desires that my life be not mine but His for His purposes? Cause it hurts. Much.
Beginning with cell again clashing with the alumni classes, forfeiting my chance to be part of the community, expanding my skills, and song signing with formation and everything I wanted to do. But yup, cant go, and I probably have to give up this part of me again. Currently I'm feeling nothing towards it, but I can sense the slow tension building as the days draw near, and my aspirations take flight to a realm of nothingness. I'm afraid I'll become redundant, and lose my worth. Not that I want to put down people, but I don't think anyone would understand how much this means to me more than just being in Hi club.
Well, that aside, got a new blow to me, when I found out the reshuffling of instructors. Now teaching Basic A with a new partner. I dunno. I was kinda surprised, especially when the reply was because I said I wanted Basic A.
True enough, I originally wanted to teach Basic A cause I felt like I could instill the passion in them, at the same time, fearing the increase difficulty in Basic B. But as time went by and I spent more time with the new juniors, I kinda fell in love with them all, and how much they were so homely, I really wanted to see them all and teach them again. With their passion and dynamics as well, I'm sure I could engineer a really good class and impart skills to them, after my maiden attempt at Basic A.
And now teaching Basic A would be about kindling flames again, without much skill to play upon or develop. Kinda feel that teaching Basic A would also kinda mean I'll be out of touch with the current juniors, while having to work on the fresh batch.
Again, though it isn't much to some, baaah it just cuts the shit outta me having to go through it. Well, he too was forced to teach intermediate, but heh ._. I guess I'm being selfish here, but dang, needing to pump extra into a new batch of students, ohboyz....
But yupz ._. kinda sucked more when I didnt get an empathic reply other than a just, "too bad" and a few more tries of pitying before realizing, I shouldn't be doing it to him.
Hais. God, why, why is it that my only current passion in life, that you ask so much sacrifices. I know there will be better things in stored, but the pain of having to let something good go at the moments hurts like crazy. Having to take the faith to give up something so precious and believing something greater to come, easy to say, hard to do.
But I don't really have a choice rite, and I don't want to wallow in self pity and stuff. Dear God, please give me the strength to overcome this coming struggle. It's gonna break my heart more than ever.
I'll only give you one day to emo and then you need to adjust. Get up and over with it. Look to the future. I'll try, God, please help me. I feel all alone in this =( And it pains like shit. Losing it all to gain something of deeper worth.
I think I might have made a wrong choice. For a path so tempting, a company so alluring, and a lie so devious, between the tough choice of home or the world, I chose the latter.
I think that's what it feels like, a heart that is never at ease, knowing it deviance from the right choice. Making the best of what I had, fighting hard to stay pure within the evil that surrounded me. If it means I need to be quiet, and alone, I'll just have to do it. At least, to note to myself not in leave myself with such company to begin with.
But I think there are some interesting positive things to watch amongst the events. Notably the enthusiasm and bonding of the juniors as well as unity of the current batch. Pretty lovely seeing how awesome the kiddos are. Wish people around could be like that too, making the fullest and best our of the poly experience before we all head to work/uni.
On a random note, I think I needa learn how to look more on the better side and every good there is in an individual, even the worse seeming one. Gotta learn to love everybody for who they are, including their flaws and mistakes. =P
Another post of semi randomness. This is an interesting first impression account given by a friend, which I find pretty epic xD
"a not serious, immature, and not understanding guy who just care about having fun. I have no idea why such person exist. never am I going to talk to him, why is he always smiling and moving around? super hyped. he is one person that I will never talk to. he probably won't care who I am anyway"
One of my facades with pretty extreme effects. Super interesting, I wonder what's other people's impression of me too =P Good cover for the more chimier and nicer side of me wahahahas. I think I'm someone who doesn't fit my first impression at all. Need to get to know me then can understand. tsk tsk, judge people worx HAHA xD
Anyway, pretty burnt out by camp and all the activities. Expect more of the above impression from me. Please pardon me if I offend anyone with my hyperactive nonsense babbling talkative season. Kinda need a break from things, and this is the temp me while I go in and rest. Yupz ._. Just an external temporal facade.
Random rants~~
I hate school days now because each day I wake up I spend about 5 minutes thinking of what I should wear. I think my cupboard is under-equipped compared to most and thus I spend 4/5 of the time remembering if I've wore a certain top recently. Not to mention I only have 4 bottoms for 5 days. I don't know how I survive. I should be spending that time getting quality sleep instead.
Need to spend money getting some decent clothes too ._. lol but my mind dam small space I can only micro manage a few clothes. I only will use a selected few clothes out the whole lot xD
Oh and it's weird how we people tend to do things that we know will only give us temporal pleasure, only to be feeling all empty of regrets once its over. Like drugs. Needa learn to look past that bit of fun and beyond that moment of guilt and resent.
A random shout out to you reading. Hi! =] Wahahas ^^
Today's class on Counseling was super fun. One of my main interest, but looolz, lecture was super heavy, 106 slides of pure text omg =.=
Was suay enough to kena the first one to do roleplay for counseling practical, mostly made a fool of myself in there, but was really fun actually, just that feels weird to have a whole class outside watching you. Doesn't seem that hard actually. Too bad we cant get to the helping process yet =( I feel so impatient
CBT (cognitive-behavior-therapy) also seems pretty cool after watching the video. Kinda like something I use, so maybe it's my style of psychotherapy =D but sheesh, the Corey dude do until dam pro sia. I wanna like rewatch his vid to analyse how he asks his questions.
Empathy wise also need to learn how to relate and to paraphrase to ensure being on the same page with the client. Something I tend to skip =l Gotta learn and improve on it man. Hopefully can learn more and help lotsa people aroun =)
Anyway, been reading a book about love, love as in the love for the people around us, the care and concern kinda stuff. The choice between selfishness and selflessness.
Anyway, if love was giving even during inconvenient times, I think I haven't been really loving my friends much. I hardly ever the one who initiates the conversation in msn, mostly attributed to my personality, yet shouldn't be an excuse for not doing so. Especially to those whom put in extra effort to try maintain or build a relationship with me. Sorry ya all ._. I'll try learn and be better.
Reminds me of the times where I was mostly the initiator and whenever that person initiated a convo, I would be quite surprised. But having been through it, I haven't realize that I'm the one now who's being difficult.
And sheesh =.= realize I cant make it for tmr's camp lunch cos class starts from 1. Like wuuuut?! Ohwells.
Realized I probably will have to miss Alumni classes for Hiclub this semester. Hais, another round of sacrifice and surrendering? Am so bogged by my current struggles I think I can barely be bothered by it. But well, hopefully I can find some way round it, or I'll just have to learn to deal with it when it comes, in a few weeks more. God, you owe me a thumbs-up =(
Kinda weird cause it doesnt even feel like schools starting. It's been so long since proper school, I think since YOG break? =D 1 month of studying, another month of pure free time which was mostly spent in camps.
Think this break has been one of the most fulfilling moments since any holidays I had. About 5 weeks of holidays, with an epic total of 3 camps in 3 weeks with a count of 15 days =D
Been pretty awesome starting off with church camp, my biggest take back with the principle of truth and it's power. Together with my aim to refine myself and be free from my own imprisonment in my heart. Making good progress though =D
Follow up would be Hi Club camp with my awesome Alululu's. Haha, I think they're the group I'm most proud of, and it always brings me a smile every time I think of them. Hope they got back a lot too and that they'll continue to grow and progress. Hi club camp provided more than just a camp too though. Hiclub feels like my home, and I love the people there =)
And finally, LAC camp! A new experience for a camp group of super enthu chiongsters. My first ever, pretty cool, and even though officially they didn't win, in my heart, they are the ultimate champions =) Learn the important lesson of standing up against conformity to the world and I proud of myself. Gotta work on learning how to bond with people still though =) And the bad experience itself is still a good experience so yea, it was awesome overall =)
And yea, school's on the way and there's a whole bunch of interesting modules this sem! Group dynamics, counselling, and some other stuff I forgot but yea =D Look forward to a new semester, part 4/6 of poly life. Hope things will get better this sem and I'll be able to do much more! Woooo~
Haha, will post about LAC camp, soon once I gather all the pics. And hopefully a post on the current issues in my life =P
Woah, seriously, touching my laptop is such a weird feeling. It feels so clean, (even though my laptop is considered super dirty already) camp was pretty dirtyish and haha, at least my laptop feels particle free xD
Hais, honestly, overall, I don't think I really enjoyed myself in the camp. Felt pretty left out at times and the rest of the moments were left to me struggling to fit in or doing my best to look out for others. Emo-ed every now and then but tried to keep myself up for the campers and my partner.
I'm not shooting anyone nor wanting to judge you, but I'm just expressing my own feelings alrite ._. So no offense if any of you reads this.
To begin with, I really didn't feel at home with this current group of facils. Didn't click well with the guys, and felt like an extra amongst the girls. Most of the times, I was either trying to "make my existence known" either by doing retarded things, joining in conversations, perhaps "hiding' in one corner" passively for interaction or to bide away time and maybe, redeeming myself thru acts of niceness to the peeps around. You know how they say, it's always best to be yourself and not try to be another person, I really struggled with that.
I'll start with the guys first. You guys can be a really fun bunch, and I do enjoy many of the moments with you. The gossips and and weird random things we do, the epic jokes everyone makes. However, I kind felt overshadowed by everyone else, feeling pretty small as though my being there made any difference.
Secondly, I really, really, really hated all the horny jokes about all the kind of sex and humping that is going on around with the guys. It's seriously not my thing, and I find it quite disgusting. In the end, I spend most of my time away from the guys because there wasn't any point tagging along with them watching them do "their stuff" while I stay in one corner. Gay jokes with "manly affection" for another is fine for me, like hugging and stuff, but it crosses the line when people start thrusting their hips with their faces and sexual references. Seriously, it may be a typical guy thing, but it's kinda the reason why I feel appalled and disappointed with my own 'kind'.
As for the girls, most of them are from ech and cpee, and are already pretty close among themselves. Hanging with them felt so muuuuch more comfortable without all the obscene nonsense from the guys. Not really their fault or anything, but in the end, I still felt like an extra among them. And having the typical me and all my lame crap, hope I didn't annoy anyone that much. Tried hard to blend in but obviously we're of different worlds. Haha, they had their own thing, or maybe its everyone as they are and me just being abnormal ._.
Kinda proud of myself though, that at least I made an effort not to dwell on the emo stuff and constantly overcome it, either by reshaping my thoughts to finding better objectives to meet. Hope that I managed to make the lives of the campers around me a bit easier, though I kinda lost it at the last morning =l sorry. Haha, mixed around with Genevieve at times when I see her roaming alone, didn't want her to feel left out either. Haha she has a darn cute random side to her xD Yay for random senseless chats! Evil unicorns making magical marshmallows =P Hahahax
Something I noticed was also the constant touchiness going on about, not that I mean it as a bad thing, but I keep seeing tons of hugs and pats going on about, friend to friend, partner to partner, and I wonder to myself if I'm the only one that's left out in all these. You know, I wonder if this is necessary, or nice, and that I wonder if I do enough to encourage and affirm the people around me. It's kinda weird sometimes to see the people around me "touching" my partner and when I'm not doing anything ._. Hope I didn't disappoint any expectations or anything, cause I think y'all are awesome haha just that I'm a bit afriad to show it in such expressive manners the way ya all do, but wahahas, naise (Y) =D
I think finally to wrap up my whole experience, was the constant battle between trying to fit in and become like others versus going without the need for approval from others, to go solo at times. Was pretty hard, especially with the guys. Constantly thought to myself if I had do the things they did so to be part of them or to just walk away from the things I felt was wrong or totally unnecessary. The struggle between acceptance and deviance. At least I chose not to conform, and I'm proud of it.
Feel like dropping out of most hms activities or camps because of the people. But I should really give it more chance right. After all, there is much to learn even from the difficult situations. I think personally for me, it's gonna be an important lesson, much inclined with my deviant nature. Hopefully though, that I did leave at least a bit of positive impact to the people around me =)
Oh and a quick note to my partner Alida, thanks for being such an awesome partner. Especially during the times when I'm not around. I think you did a really great job (cos I suck at talking to them lol) Oh, thanks for being so understanding too and don't worry about the pissy moments alrite, I didnt really felt them =) And really, from the utmost bottom of my heart, thanks a lot a lot for appreciating my chimness =P Haha didn't really do much of it cos I veh scared I bore you ._. But yea, thanks ^^ means a lot to me =D You're awesomez and nice too! =D
Owells, til the next time then.
I feel like I need an extra dose of love cos everything seems so sucky at the moment
to be filled with little bits and pieces as I stroll along the shore
Am pretty bored and maybe too tired to do anything these past few days. Been idling all around all day. Checking facebook every bunch of seconds. Haaais.
Wishing to go out with people but there isn't anyone near by, and then even so I wouldn't know where and what to do. All I want is a break from everything. Some place where I can be at ease, not think and worry so much and just be at peace.
Feeling a little lost every now and then, feeling that I've lose meaning to the things around me. Like in a daze. Feels like I haven't been about doing what I ought to be doing. I wish I can be just good once again, without much care. It's like back to the state where I feel like being loved again ._.
Oh and dear me, I've realized, I am dam friggin skinny. I didn't really think I was, I mean I know I am, but not like ridiculously skinny. Thanks to all the holidays and skipped meals, my waist is like ... yea ._. It's scary when I like wrapped my waist tightly using my shirt and see how puny it is. ARGHHH O.O I need to be a bit fatter HAHAHA, so tall and skinny, like bamboo like that =P I'll fit perfectly into a corset xD
Been missing people also. Feels empty sometimes. Wishing I can read everybody's blog just to have a update on their lives. It's like when you sweep away all the superficial stuff you'll realize there isn't anything much actually. Feels like I'm not part of anything or anyone, not for the recognition, but for the meaning. Feels as though like I'm doing nothing. Yet to be honest, I don't feel like doing much either o.O
Wanna spend sometimes out with friends, doing nothing and just pure relaxing. Don't wanna think about how to be a friend, nor how to make the day eventful, or anything. Blehz anybody wanna go out? =)
You know, soon all our JC peers are gonna be graduating while we continue our studies. In a certain way, it's kinda like them moving on to the next phase of life first. But nah, I'm happy I still have another year. I love everyone around me, the things I'm doing, and I only wish there will be more time for everything =]
I hate how my house is always void of food somehow. Stocking up doesnt work. The last time my mom brought for me two tubes of pringles, I finished everything the next day. Raaawwr. I wish for a neverending bar of chocolate this Christmas.
and now that I think back, I haven't really celebrated Christmas since about 4 years back o.O woah. So much for presents and stuff. I don't think I even celebrate anything now except for birthdays.
Think I've been improving on my sensitivity, spotting out people's emotions much better =D Now able to sense emoness in others more. Not very smart still though. Gotta work on it.
Dam, my drama aint loading, it suuuucks. I can only find two sources from China webbies and raaawwwr aint wooorkiiinnggg. I wanna watch them get together =(
Refinement of oneself is an infinite progression towards perfection. You get there yet you don't and vice versa.
Wondering what its like to have a girl in my life ._. shall not elaborate further =x
Funny how sometimes, two parties are afraid of disturbing the other. Why not just try?
I wish class can be more meaningful and not be so dead with everyone being so solemn.
It's funny to see how my thoughts are getting shorter and shorter.
Life feels like a toilet roll at times. It goes faster and faster as it progresses.
Dam ecstatic over the performance, as everyone likes it lots ^^ WakaWakaEhEh WHEEEE, one of my best creations ever, of course with the help of many others. But ahhh~ feeling dam happy about it ^^ =D
Just as Expected
Friday, October 15, 2010
We all probably heard of disappointment coming from expectations. But yet, life cant be without expectations. As much as we try, there'll always be that expectation, which is given to us as a gift to be able to think beyond the present and to plan.
I kinda thought about what's the line between good and bad expectations, afterall, an extremity of anything leads to an obsessive rigid person. Cut the thought short would be that, expectations ought be of more altruistic roots.
An expectation of another shouldn't come from an imposed idea from ourselves unto others but more from the potential of another. And when the unfulfillment of an expectation arises, it isnt us who are hurt but only he who failed himself. Meaning like, as friends, we shouldn't expect them to be there for us, do things for us, become a certain person for us, but more of how they as an individual can reach their potential.
Expect things from their perspective. If someone has the right heart to do something, yet is fearful, expect them to overcome it, I think sometimes all these disappointments we get from others and often due to us not getting what we want from someone else. Be it to claim love, comfort, time, words, attention and many other stuff, it boils down to wanting it for ourselves.
To be a little bad, would be how some times paragraphs or passage depicting "love" often are idealistic and selfish? Having someone always there for you, someone to miss you when you are gone, someone to be needed. I'm not sure but does anyone realized the whole object of focus is only the self.
And hence the conflict when two persons, come together with their own idealistic warped idea of a receiving love, and end up sucking each other dry of everything. Love isn't about receiving, it's about giving. When you find love, it's not that you found it, it begun with someone choosing to give it.
Not that all these desires are wholly bad and stuff, but should be something we strike a balance. Too often in our daily lives are we so unaware in our obsession with ourselves, trying to reap benefits from everything that comes across, it cna be quite disgusting sometimes.
I wished people would be more giving and less self centered.
Hi club camp was simply awesome. Love my ALULULU's to bits and I'm just so proud of them wahahahas. They way they practised really hard into signing, seeing them thrash other teams (girl power) and of cause seeing them bond along the way
Had a fairly tough time trying to get everyone to speak cos most of them were so soft spoken O.O most quietest group I've ever had haha. And along the way I kinda felt like I failed as a GL seeing how my group was, but I think seeing the 2nd night and 3rd day made me happy lots.
Did lotsa random things in camp~ Super tired from all the consecutive late nights, probably the cause of my randomness~ Was 3/4 girlish, acting cute ._. wearing makeshift FBT's and digusting the people around me with my obscene sight WAHAHAHA. Emceeing with Rachel, was super hard and had to make a lot of lame jokes at my expense to get the audience to boo me T^T and other stuff I cant remember =P
aiks! Reminds me, haha the performance for camp was friggin awesome =D WATCH HERE!!! Tried out a new style of formation with minimal signing, increased gesturing and a heck lotsa team drama together with mass dance. Really glad that the peeps loved it =D Though sometimes I feel obsolete without the affirmation, just gotta keep believing that it rawks like major shitz wahahahaz Totally made under the aspect of fun without all the stress of remembering and stuff. YESSSSH I pushed new boundaries again =D =D =D
I think one of the thing about ALULULU that really warms my heart is whenever I think about them signing. Most of them aren't that good in it, remember hard their vocabs and signing speed, but what I really loved about them was the amount of effort each and everyone of them put into signing, proven by their great improvement seen in the 2nd day.
~Photos~
PRECAMP
Haha me seeing ghost O.o
Mai shuriken shield =)
Yvette's deformed hand HAHA
Piza dinner! :D
need... to... poo... badly...
Random weirdness~ =P
My FIRE identity :D
CAMP DAYS
Whrroooooraawr!
Guardians Unite!
^^v
Epic catch whooo~
Jumpshoooot~
Hi club
playing hand pepsi cola
slo-mo punch
retake for me to be inside
Girl Power!!
Epic expressions: (from left to right, front to back)
No more toilet paper | Shy | Alululu | Nerdy | Sleepy | Sad | Happy | Constipated | Innocent | Weird? | Angry | Dreaming | Tired/Chui
Alululululu!!♥♥♥
Some love notes to all me campers cause I cant stop telling them how much I love them all, I think Ima become quite naggy
Zafirah:
Haaa~ You are one awesome talent! Your signing skills are really pro haha, thanks for always being so cheerful and enthu :D will definitely miss you when you go =(
Mahirah & Adlina:
Missed you during the nights! Sad that you couldn't join us during the night activities! thanks for practicing so much at home, and then rushing to school early for camp again =D
Cassandra:
Heeey ho, the only intermediate in our group. Definitely weird to be the GL of my own exco xD Thanks for helping to boost the group's spirit with you highness and laughters! :D
Gracia:
Thanks for always being the first few to help whenever I need people. You're good at signing yea, so keep up the good work :D
Mei Ling:
Hahah another one who's first to volunteer whenever I need help. Try not to think so much and just go make friends alright. G
Rosyln:
Haha eesh, you've got one really angelic smile ya hahax. Thanks for putting so much heart into the song signing even though its hard and scary for ya. Saw you practicing a lot during the free time.
Zai Ting:
Wahahas don't be so saddened by the performance kaaay! Hahas you did really well from where you first started! Haha it touches me to se how much heart you put into it =D The performance woouldn't have been better without you with us ^^
Zoe:
Wheee~ Thanks for being so enthu and your big smile =D helps to brighten the day =D Glad to see that your signing have improved! Worked hard together with your friends yea =D
Sean:
Haha the only guy in my group, thanks for being such a sport and staying with us to perform together. Your jokes help to keep the atmosphere light!
Yeng Minn:
Another one we missed during camp nights =( Thanks for being able to perform with us and practicing while away. Hope you enjoyed the camp!! =D
I've realized to the use of the word "kinda". It works as a tool of impersonalization. By adding the word kinda, it adds this vague meaning to whatever you're saying, and then it's left to the other party to evaluate how much meaning to give it, and whether or not how much they rightfully evaluate it, it's their evaluation and therefore not yours and hence no responsibility taken.
Chim. I know.
But imagine this. "I'm sorry for doing this". VS "I'm kinda sorry for doing this." In a way, it's meant for us to escape our own truth, which means whether or not you think I'm really sorry or a bit sorry is for you to decide cause its "kinda" so whatever you decide me to be is because you think/evaluate me that way not that its me being/showing myself that way.
Another way to put it is, "Im sorry, but I'm afraid to face up to you and me knowing I'm sorry so I use these 'vague measure' of "kinda" so if you think Im really sorry or not that sorry, its got nothing to do with me, you thought it that way" Impersonalizing things is just the way people do things to lessen that anxiety they feel. To escape the truth they know.
My own example perhaps: In a simple base thought in my head, "I feel bad for me mistreating you at times". To push away my own uncomfortable feelings and to impersonalize it, as I type the sentence, "kinda" keeps appearing in my mind.
Til it becomes "I [kinda] feel [kinda] bad for me [kinda] mistreating you also at times?"
Or the anxiety thoughts, I feel bad, but I dun dare bring this to light so however you perceive me or how much you think I feel is up to you and your own doing. But the thing is I feel really bad, and I'm just afraid to show it, to face up to the truth. It's like shifting the responsibility to the other party for deciding how much you're in it, like you knowing the truth but not wanting to say it out and therefore passing the responsibility to the receiver to portray what you said, so whatever it is, its their doing.
"I kinda think that love is blind." Example wise, I think that love is blind, but I fear that people might disagree with me or judge me for that, and hence I don't want to meet all these feelings and so I impersonalize it, pull myself out of the picture.
Well, I think the whole based issue would be people actually avoiding the truths inside them. or that real voice speaking and trying to escape from it. Take what you can, but I think it's not able making yourself feel comfortable when saying certain things, but the step of making yourself actually face the whole truth.
Like when saying to someone, "I kinda think no one loves me", change it into "I think no one loves me". Because by doing that, not only do you bring the full truth to the person you're sending it to, but also to yourself. Facing the truth seems hard at first, but you might come to realize, when you stand up to acknowledge the truth face on, things become so much easier to overcome. Because you accept it fully, and not linger about being half-faced about it.
Sometimes I wonder, all this about me feeling I'm too difficult to love, out of a fear to hurt others. What if this 'noble' act taken to one extreme was just nothing but a selfish act of wanting people to love me unconditionally, and that I am unwilling to accept the fact that I'm bound to inevitable hurt someone whether intentional or not. And what if this was so all because I wanted to be loved unconditionally in a selfish way.
Maybe I should stop expecting the love from others, and just love with what I have. After all, Loving others should be from a selfless heart and should be regardless of who I am, whether or not I'm lovable or difficult, that I should love others as how things ought to be, regardless of the returns, if any. Selfishness under the hide of nobility. Needa change.
~~~~~~~~
Oh and woah, nice song, (slow I know =.= but I'm not a music fella so yea) Been seeing it around on facebook at stuff. And darn its amazingly awesome with really meaningful lyrics.
Just The Way You Are by Bruno Mars
I wish girls would love themselves as they are instead of trying to fit into some idealistic image set the the world's crappy standards of "pretty". Forget every other negative comments made about your image because they aren't true. Don't try be someone else, cause you're amazing just the way you are.
I find it dam hard to be blogging this here, cos I know some people will be reading this, and I'm dead sure, bound to have either wrong perceptions or either feeling some negative feelings about it, which I don't want, argh but damn it. I'm just gonna it regardless of misunderstandings caused or whatever shit. It's my journal and its your privilege to read if you consider it one.
Feeling dam shitty now. But I'm gonna be honest here. Hope it doesnt affect anyone but yea. and please note, inasmuch as I use this whole experience as a referral and example, I'm not shooting any one direct person or the people around me. So if you feel it applies to you, yea, you're not the only lone person I'm facing this with, so if anyone's to take the blame, I'd rather it be me. I hate it that I'm always so friggin concerned of people misconceptions and stuff, but seriously, sometimes you idiots cant differentiate between the honest thoughts from inside and stuff. Dam. I'm gonna do my best anyway. Whatever happens to you is your own doing.
It's things like this, that makes me feel like a complete asshole and failure. It's a lie they say, that I'm too difficult to love, but sometimes, reality forms out of that, and its not just on baseless assumptions. I'm just in plain a dam hard friend to keep.
I feel so dam tempted to throw away this nice guy thing, and just blow every single shit out, but dam, I'm trying hard to keep my cool. Wrath only incurs more harm then already done. Pardon me for anything offensive.
Now, lie or not, I understand/perceive/believe that I'm a dam hard friend to have. I occasionally live in my own world, insensitive and sometimes, not the more reciprocal friend you could have. I know, but sometimes, it's just me.
And then I wonder if "being me" is just an excuse. But then, why then, why cant people accept me for who I am, even if I'm already so blatantly horribly hard to be friends with. Do people try to be nice to love me, or they try to not think of my bad stuff and look on the bright side? I mean, are you just genuinely accepting of me or accomodating for me to just be friends.
I dunno, I suck I know, like if I was my own friend I know I'm prolly gonna have a hard time. But ohwells anyways, just to give you an accountability in no way termed in excuses but baaa, at times, I'm gonna just quit smsing totally. People dun friggin understand my utmost displeasure for smsing. Do you guys all know how much I really find it hard to sms someone. I hate it. And secondly, I'm one of the most shittiest sms-dao-ster ever, this whole smsing thing isn't in my blood, I'm not very talkative nor much of a phone user and I'm in a camp. I'm bound to forget. I've forgotten to reply countless number of sms-es already.
And yes, this is a rant post about me being all upset and dam guilty about causing someone else to be upset. I lived in a world of hurts before and I really hate for anyone else to feel it too, especially when I'm the cause of it. Yea, feeling completely crappy, shitty, and like a utter failure, I dun even have to face to talk to you anymore.
Hoorays though. Tears. And I don't want you to feel bad about making me upset either. It's completely stupid already that you being upset and then you feeling about me not feeling good about it, cos if you are, get lost. No point having more emo shitz in chain reactions.
And you know what, it's amazing how while writing this, I've somewhat again disappointed another friend, and here he/she goes blarring everything at me, when I'm already in that some what emo state. Saddening how sometimes we people just let loose out emotions and do what ever we feel like on impulse, often without properly/rationally considering the feelings of other person ._. I hope I'm not doing such things too. Kinda sucks if I am =/ Just found out I caused some really bad misunderstanding between some friends. My fault anyway =/
Shit I'm crying again. Why must I always be causing so much hurts to others. And then I trying so hard not to let any of these stupid emo feelings out to the people I'm talking to. Don't want them feeling bad too, it's just my emoish moments anyway =/ Feel like a liar trying to put on smiles. Cant help but repeating apologies over and over and over again to everyone. Dammit, I'm such a failure sometimes.
Feeling dam afraid now. Two camps and I'm having to be GL for both, and then I'm gonna have to make friends again. I have a dreadful fear of causing someone pain again, when they don't have to feel it if they never knew me.
Anyway back to you. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I gave you hopes and then dashed them by being such a prick. I'm sorry I even tried making you trust yet unable to fulfill my side of the responsibility of your trust. I'm sorry... you had to know me and ended up being one of those many getting hurt. Since we're in such a situation, we should just end here. No point continuing in all the hurts and probably more hurts to be caused. And your goal. Thanks. I appreciate it a lot, for wanting to be my friend. Not sure why, but I dunno, well, still yea, thanks. and I think you don't have to care so much about that goal or what, but you being a friend to me during this time, yea, appreciate it a lot, even in the midst of all the cruel suanning, it's my way of expressing it ._. reaction formation ._.
Hais, but yea, you're really good luh, helped me reshape some of my flawed thinking along the way, just need to be more forgiving yea, sometimes, you never know what a small 'petty' act might cause towards others. I think maybe see it as, for every offence done to you, think of the possible offense you might have done towards others, and hopefully things will be less harsh on each other.
And dam it luh. I don't want you to be soft hearted and then later try become friends again. And yea, I'm using this emo time to be hard-hearted to us cause I'm too friggin nice to do such things when I'm 'normal'. but yea. Really, it isn't that I'm giving up on these friendship, but I cant bear to hurt you anymore, I don't want to see you unhappy or anything because of me, and I'm sure I probably will in time. So yea, treat it as I'm selfish or what, I guess we'll end it here. It's a big source of emotional troubles every time I know I fail you again and again. We're better off acquaintances, much easier for everyone, don't have to trouble anyone on having to be a friend or what, but yet still possible to have those occasional chats and stuff. Shit, I still wanna say I'm sorry =/
Sounds familiar bestacq? You'll always come to mind whenever I think of me ending friendships. Your effort to try maintain yet me being crappy and then facing the same cycle of hurts. Duh. Sorry for not replying your chats though ._. Sometimes you catch me of at bad moments, either after you read some emo posts where i'm just not wanting to talk or either if I'm kinda too busy (and then afterward forgetting to reply again =.=) I am such a sucker seriously.
Thank you all for those that were concern for me. Really appreciate it a lot. Thanks, even from those random unexpected few. sorry for not replying/talking much. Just wanting to be alone. But don't hold back your concern next time kay, do it for any other person that is feeling low, don't be afraid, your simple steps of faith and kindness does help them know they're not alone.
Going to bed with a really heavy heart, goodnites~
Throughout the camp, many things needed to be changed. Rain and time snowballing and restrictive circumstances caused so many things to be changed or canceled and we as the camp comm had to be constantly thinking on our feet how to manage the changes.
My heart broke when I saw the thundering clouds came by during the first day. All our efforts, our 2 months worth of planning was going down the drain with a single cumulonimbus cloud to wash it all away. I looked up into the skies and prayed. I prayed that the clouds would go, but also for God's will to be done.
One thing God impressed upon me, was that sometimes when we pray to God with so much hope, that He will help us with a certain scenario, and then it appears as though nothing happened, we begin to feel God isn't there. But are we praying out of own will or for God's will to be done? Is our faith in prayer of a humanly perception of God, or the view of the true God Himself?
This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that He hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of Him. (1 John 5:14-15 NKJV)
And when things that we plan for fail or doesn't suit the way we want it, we begin to complain and ask God why, but we need to come to see that many times, God's will for us is far beyond and greater than what we can currently perceive. The human perspective of life is often only confined to the present, what's in stored for them now.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9 NKJV)
And finally, as we understand that as things may not go the way we want, God is in control, and His heart for us to never of harm nor malice, but to help us grow, prosper us. And in NKJV, it is written as plans for "peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:10-13 NIV)
We believe that what we have planned for ourselves are best, also because its in our control. But whatever happens, God is in control with a better future. And everything will work out for good no matter how bad it seems. Just gotta learn to believe, trust, have faith and look beyond what I can see around me.
As long as things don't go your way, God intends something better for you.
One reason why I don't open my heart is cause I have this conception in my head that I'm not lovable, both on the fear that I'll be rejected, and that the present love is too good to be true.
If I'll be utterly honest, I will just say that, I'm living in a lie that I'm too difficult for people to love. I know it's a lie. I just find it hard to come to terms with. But I'm saying this not to show ppl I'm screwed or I need help, but a message to all, you know, to just be truthful and honest with yourself. You have the answers to your problems inside you, and you know what they are. Don't run away, face them, learn and grow. It's hard but it's necessary for you to grow.
Back to me anyways. A little on my history, I grew up without much love, facing lotsa family issues and wasn't socially well to do either. In a quick overall, I faced quite a lot of rejection from the people around me. In the family, I was the much disliked for my tyrant ways at home, resulting in me living a lone and defensive life throughout many years. Outside in the social environment, I was almost no better aside from being just a tad being nicer in valuing people. How ever that didn't stop being from being quite a prick and one horrible irritating jerk, so much so I had to face the ultimate lesson of losing my best friend.
From that day, my life crumbled. Hurts created this vacuum inside me that sucked in every bit of love and sealed them away. Never again, had I let anyone into my life, nor my into theirs. And as the days go, while I adjusted to the circle around me, I gradually learnt to draw upon a heavily impersonalized love to relate to others, which often didn't worked, but more of a way to help them. In a way, I was kinda more concerned for their problems than them.
In present times, I am still affected greatly by this thought. Always feeling that more me disliked me than otherwise. Or that I had too much burdens for others to bear. I was warned the people around me, not to expect from me, a hidden voice saying, don't trust in me, I'll only fail you. I daren't even believe nor fantasized the fact that people around would love me, not even dream that my people around me valued me in their lives. Bullshit I know, but really, I struggle against these thoughts.
Even though I know its wrong, sometimes when I look back into my life, the cumulated amount of disapproval of me outweighs the level of appreciation. People always tell me, but you know, people do enjoy you and like you, true I logically think so, but how much do their actions really prove it. Ready to judge, and show contempt, but always holding back on affirmation
Something someone told me, was to forgive. I've forgiven the people that caused me those hurts, so that shouldn't be an issue. On the other hand, the biggest problem would be, I've never forgiven myself. Never forgiven myself for all the wrong I've done, the stress I've cause, the hearts I've broken. I really find it hard to pardon myself from all the hurts I've caused others, and hence keep myself impersonalized to prevent hurting others more.
My current perception of myself, is that I'm way too difficult for anyone to love. I have too much burdens for anyone else to shoulder. My personality is too hard for anyone to accept, my ways of doing things are too much for anyone to adapt. I'm too much for someone to befriend. I'm too deep for someone to understand.
You know, I write all these not because I'm emoing. I'm just writing this as an acknowledgment to myself. That I have this lies in my head that are working. But you know the most important thing?
I'm gonna make the choice, to overcome this things, to make that difference in my life, because I know I'm made for more than just a bunch of bullshit in my head. I don't care how hard it's gonna be, the amount of awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings there will be, I am and I will be doing it.
Was working together with the gang to do up some MV, on a love song. Yes I know this is much silly for me to be in it in the first place. But yea, apparently there's this part of the script where I have to hold the hand of a girl. Simple thing for most.
I struggled with it for more than 30 minutes? Kinda felt bad that I have to hold back the whole team because of one struggle of mine, but feel grateful that they were understanding enough not to press me or stuff but to keep giving me support.
I think maybe something people might not understand would be that little component kept far hidden into the depths of my heart. I have this part of me locked away, and having to do this simple act of picking up another girl's hand requires me to unlock that side of me, which to be honest, remains locked away since over a decade, only to be genuinely seen by the tender moments I feel towards people such as those who are either terribly emo or just in need. Yea wahaha, rare sight to see Darren being loving ok HAHA.
But yea, it not the act itself that I find difficulty with, but the essence behind the act itself. The essence and function of love behind it. To open my heart up to give out something from it. Yea, I'm dead sure, many people will say I'm putting too much effort/thoughts into just a simple act. But for me, its kinda like a place stored away so long its in a raw form, untouched.
Doing it will be like how some people are unable to talk to their parents, or how some people are just unable to open up their hearts, or to believe that people will be there for them, or that something can make them happy, or maybe, even for some who cannot bring themselves to utter the words of their hearts, the truth that they just want someone there for them, to love them, to care for them (try it actually, to someone, reveal that vulnerable side, that is you actually can do it ^^). For you people out there that have something you just cant bring yourself to do, I'm sure it's not just a casual matter of simply "thinking too much".
Back to love, I believe everyone has that some soft spot, and you ought to know that you don't do that something for the sake of doing it. You can't talk to your dad just to talk, there is a form of love involved. You can't simply trust anyone with your being, you love to accept that you'll have faith in that person, I wonder if anyone understands, it's not the act of doing it, but the essence, the function if making it happen.
But owells. I think it's just really a step for me to take to open this part of me, kept away from the world. Of the cause of this impersonal affections I engage in. I did it anyway, but I dunno if I should continue pressing this, a whole wave of raw feelings can be overwhelming and uncontrollable which gets me a bit fearful.
I have realized, and gotten out of the bed at 4am just to write this down because it dawned about me a new revelations. Why I close up. I close up because I fear to love, and that when I love, I open up and then allow love to pour in. I can foresee how the desperate state of my loveless heart, void of love, where the moment I open the valves, things are going overwhelm every other. And my fear, my greatest fear in life, is being loved. (with cover that in another post)
In my very imaginations of affection. When I see myself holding someone's hands, I see myself opening my heart to love them, and in the reciprocal effect of being loved as I love. This choice to close myself up due to history, have disallowed me to love others and in return to cut myself from being loved. And I've done it so long, I forgotten the goodness of love and fear the feeling of it, that too good to be true feeling. I just know that I have such a high tendency to lose control of myself and overwhelm someone with a love held back for ages, and a love rejected for as long.
This love I speak off is the deeper essence of just the act of love I guess, really I cant find any other way to describe, but for example, like how couples hold hands when they have affections for each other. It's not who they're holding hands with or how, but why there are doing it. That's the core I'm talking about. Love in its most basic form.
This is freaky really. Now that I have open a tiny little hole, I have done two things which I do not normally do in this core of love. I held her by the hand, and to finally address some people as "jie". My very first time outwardly expressing the acknowledgment of "the family". <-- (You see, I really cant bring myself to write the words "my family") Will write more tomorrow.
But... am I finally truly beginning to love and be loved?
Darren Nico Pillai