I dunno. Since last sem, this problem has been haunting me ever since.

Passion vs God

For a brief summary, it about me wanting to be an instructor for Hi club, but yea I cant make it because Hi! Club classes are on Mon and Thurs. yeap and I hav to attend classes at monday, so I cant teach, or vice versa.

for those that's gonna tell me to quit my cell/join another day/just go teach,
I already hav commitments to it. As much as i would like to just drop everything and go, it isnt as easy as you think. Haiz. And its an issue which has spanned across centuries and ages. God or the world. You either have one, not both.

And as much as with head knowledge I jolly well know I shud obey God, it reeeaaallly isnt easy. Especially when I already hold on to very little things in life. I dunno. its forever gonna be something swinging in front of me, mocking me of my decision.

I really wished I could hav the faith that something good will come out of it. But I dun see in anyway how I ever fulfil this dream/passion. I'm sorry, I really dont.

Please Lord, either give me the strength and faith to persevere on, or just give me my Thursdays...


On a lighter note...


I was so bored in class so me and Timothy decided to play with my classmate's ponytail. (Childish I know...)

Me: *hold out highlighter and prods Timothy to do something stupid*
Timothy: Eh Sarah, Darren want to highlight your hair.
Sarah: *turns*
Me: What me? Do you think i'm that sort of person who does such things?
Sarah: I don't know. You're Darren.
Me: O.o

Labels: God, sacrifice, smile

Today was HMS LAC lunch.

Found some campmates as we walked to the tables, some where in the middle of Makan Place. And woah, was super cool seeing as more and more HMS people came by. And the whole area was pretty packed with us campees moving all about, with not enough seats. We settled down around 1.30 before everyone went about to buy their meals.


Oh. And I got "volunteered" to be HMS ambassador for open house or something lol. Not that I'm very outgoing or sorts. zomg, teacher went "Can I have someone to be ambassador for HMS?" And Ashleigh instantly screams my name ._.

I just kept quiet and teacher gave me a chance and asked who want volunteer. No hands went up. Nominations then. Guess who. HAHA All because they say I'm a very-HMS-person. oh boyz, and haha I dragged Timothy along xD. Not sure what I'm supposed to do but owells, hope itz gonna be fun :D


Suddenly I see a sunbeam piercing through the dark clouds. please oh please tell me its gonna be over.

Labels: class, hms

Went out with the YEP peeps to Marina Barrage for out outing!!!

The weather was kinda blazing hot. Definitely got myself cooked. Tanned and sunburnt :)

The whole time there was just fun.

• Spending time together with the YEP peeps.
• Pleeeenty of food.
• Frisbee was mega awesome.
• Laughters and silly scandals.
• YEP peeps are the best ever.
• I actually 'camwhored' a bit ._. A BIT. puny wuny lil bit.
• Being with my family, what more could I ask for.

We had lots of food to share about and wheee, playing frisbee was super fun too, me doing the high jumps and JY doing the low catches with splits. And just by being with them kinda cheered me up immensely. No more emo haha :D

Walked about Suntec with the rest that's left. Eza' joined us later for dinner and heeey more fun again! Laughter over dinner over some... Powerpuff girls thing =,=. Managed another selfown thanks to that.

To end it off, i just wanna say. DAM I love you YEP people! The best thing that has ever happened to me so far.

Labels: memories, YEP

Today was... emoish day.

Rejection. People walked out on me. Too much to bear. One after the other. Where did I go wrong. Maybe I've opened up too much. Maybe its time to say goodbye.

The feelings all coming back. All the self condemnation. All the thoughts of worthlessness. All the melancholy. I'm sorry. I suck.

I don't know anymore. History is repeating itself. They say it isnt my fault. Then why. why is this happening again.

My heart is withering off. That wrenching feeling. I don't know. And I'm still needed to cheer folks up. No one's there for me.

I tried to believe. I really tried. That friends isn't a just a bunch of hello's and goodbyes. I'm always proven wrong. And they still say it isn't this way. But it is.

So now. What do you want me to do. Return to my world. Linger on in a hurting reality. Right now, I see my dark cave calling out. Where there's just me. only me.

I'm just letting go. But this time I ain't believing anymore. No more. Friendship is just a bunch of lies. Don't try tell me otherwise. I believed once, twice, thrice and beyond. But no. You're just toying with me.

Goodbye. Goodbye all. There really isnt a point right. After all. There wont be a difference.

Whatever. Goodbye.

Labels: EMO

Whooo, today's the first day of school again. Was pretty fun actually. I kinda look forward to it, seeing that I hav 2 modules I've taken particular interest in, development psychology and relationships. And its wowz, it suddenly feels like I nv had holidays or something. Just thrown back into school life. And ohmy, its even busier this sem T.T

heh some things abt today:

• Went gym with YEP buddies, sat around.
  
  
• Sat in the same lecture hall for 4 hours. Unbearably horrible.
  
  
• Ate lunch in less than 10 minutes.
  
  
• Bumped into a few YEP peeps
  
  
• Did a class presentation on Day 1.
  
  
• Lifespan class turned into a Socio recap class
  
  
• My friend did me a big favour :D thanx
  
  
• Petty quarrel with Yve's fren lol
  
  
• Met Hi! Club for briefing on tomorrow's event :D

Labels: School

The holidays hav come to an end and this has been the most meaningful and impactful holidays of my life. Most of the times I'll be just rotting away at home but this time, it's event filled and action packed.

From pre-YEP preparations, 2 weeks of YEP in Vietnam, Hi! Club camp, and HMS LAC Camp.

In YEP, I found a family, and within the two camps, I found friends. Each and every of these events have impacted my life, and change my views, especially YEP. But I hope things wont just end when school starts, I pray I'll bring these changes together with me as I progress ahead.

I don't want these things to be part of my memories, because memories grow old and fade,
I want these to be part of my life.


Oh and here's a video for my YEP trip =D

Labels: camp, hms, memories, thoughts, YEP

HMS LAC Camp was awesome, even though 36 out of 70 campers turned up. 1 Group only had 3 campers. 4 days of camp certainly was tough-ish. Got dirty, sweaty and definitely with the lack of sleep.

The camp really opened my world to HMS. Got to know lots of seniors as well as freshies :) - found out more people knew me then I knew them.



My group was labelled as the horniest group... (eh I wasnt part of that nonsense ok...) But hey, I still thought we were the most awesome group ever! :D


Sleeping on the floor was worse that I expected. Having slept on the floor many times, I often using my sleeping bag as a pillow, and in this camp we slept in the classroom which was insanely cold so I had to use the bag. Sleeping on the floor at home seems so much comfier, and also, we woke up each morning with red eyes thanks to the dusty floors.

Labels: camp, frenz, hms, YEP

Mom left me home without dinner. Disaster striked.

No probs I thought. Gonna starve it out as usual coz I'm too lazy to go out to get food. I decided to munch on leftover mooncakes which is kinda what I've been doing every missing meal so, got sick of that quick.

After much persuasion from my friend, I decided to cook some plain rice with eggs to eat. Big step I took.

Checked my rice pot, damz, it isnt washed. As in the all the bit of rice here and there all hardened up so i can wash it, just soak soak soak. Fine... So i'll be having plain eggs then. Aaaaaand. I'm out of eggs. Great.

Wat to do, now must get out of house right. Bought cup noodles, potato chips and EGGS. And even before I get to eat my noodles, I split them on myself. Hot water with dissolve ajimonoto all over my jeans, bleh. Legs turned red.

Attacked the tube of chips after the noodles and is feeling good, other than having my mouth feeling full of chips seasoning.

Any one wanna know which flavour I bought?


And now, for some weird reasons, its only 9.30 and I'm feeling awfully awfully sleepy -- you can see from my weird writing.

Today is a bad bad day.

Labels: smile

My life is wasting away.

Am just sitting in my room on the floor, staring at Facebook and msn for half the day, even when there are no updates.

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, nobody to be with.

Pathetic.
.__.

Labels: Me

Heh.

Being feeling all weird and changed since coming back from the YEP trip. Oh and I cant find my stupid medical form, and that's gonna cost me $450 of funding and a tongue lashing. :/

and yea, suddenly I feel super self conscious, not on how I look or what not but kind of more my behaviour. I could say I came back from Vietnam a different person. Maybe, being more 'me'.

Besides that, I've also become highly aware of friends, say, the level of friendship, interaction, and you know, just the whole thing about being friends. Maybe that's why I treat the people around differently.

It feels like re-living 'me', which I pretty much don't mind. Even having the notion to change my name to Nico, not that I'm not already Nico, but to change what I'm being called.

And hey, maybe with this, I can really start life anew. Throw away the past and begin on a brand new fresh life. Oh and if things don't work out, I still have Pillai ;)

Labels: Me, smile

HAHA no actually, I thought that was the best ever!

Heh ok for starters, I think a lot a lot a lot of people are not as mad for signing as me? I realized I am signing whenever, wherever, however almost every time, ohwells.

BUT HEH, THAT'S WHY I'M SO GOOD RIGHT?

ok haha xD

Whooo camp was slighly toughish. Didnt expect it to be really a instructor camp even tho they said it a few times.

Lets see, in 2 - 3 days we had to prepare to sign a song, sit for 2 test, get our fingers all cramped up and take part in cmap activities and oh maaai, sleep late and wake up early, like 2+ zzzz, not to mention that I slept in a friggin aircon room on the floor. (And I brought my sleeping bag haha, jus didnt wnna use it.)

But most importantly, heh my signing vocab has increased, perhaps twice? Now i can sign as I talk already haha, whooo

and I had fun with Tim and Yve and other buddies! *sign*

Labels: camp, hi club, Me

I dunno. Since last sem, this problem has been haunting me ever since.

Passion vs God

For a brief summary, it about me wanting to be an instructor for Hi club, but yea I cant make it because Hi! Club classes are on Mon and Thurs. yeap and I hav to attend classes at monday, so I cant teach, or vice versa.

for those that's gonna tell me to quit my cell/join another day/just go teach,
I already hav commitments to it. As much as i would like to just drop everything and go, it isnt as easy as you think. Haiz. And its an issue which has spanned across centuries and ages. God or the world. You either have one, not both.

And as much as with head knowledge I jolly well know I shud obey God, it reeeaaallly isnt easy. Especially when I already hold on to very little things in life. I dunno. its forever gonna be something swinging in front of me, mocking me of my decision.

I really wished I could hav the faith that something good will come out of it. But I dun see in anyway how I ever fulfil this dream/passion. I'm sorry, I really dont.

Please Lord, either give me the strength and faith to persevere on, or just give me my Thursdays...


On a lighter note...


I was so bored in class so me and Timothy decided to play with my classmate's ponytail. (Childish I know...)

Me: *hold out highlighter and prods Timothy to do something stupid*
Timothy: Eh Sarah, Darren want to highlight your hair.
Sarah: *turns*
Me: What me? Do you think i'm that sort of person who does such things?
Sarah: I don't know. You're Darren.
Me: O.o

Labels: God, sacrifice, smile

Today was HMS LAC lunch.

Found some campmates as we walked to the tables, some where in the middle of Makan Place. And woah, was super cool seeing as more and more HMS people came by. And the whole area was pretty packed with us campees moving all about, with not enough seats. We settled down around 1.30 before everyone went about to buy their meals.


Oh. And I got "volunteered" to be HMS ambassador for open house or something lol. Not that I'm very outgoing or sorts. zomg, teacher went "Can I have someone to be ambassador for HMS?" And Ashleigh instantly screams my name ._.

I just kept quiet and teacher gave me a chance and asked who want volunteer. No hands went up. Nominations then. Guess who. HAHA All because they say I'm a very-HMS-person. oh boyz, and haha I dragged Timothy along xD. Not sure what I'm supposed to do but owells, hope itz gonna be fun :D


Suddenly I see a sunbeam piercing through the dark clouds. please oh please tell me its gonna be over.

Labels: class, hms

Went out with the YEP peeps to Marina Barrage for out outing!!!

The weather was kinda blazing hot. Definitely got myself cooked. Tanned and sunburnt :)

The whole time there was just fun.

• Spending time together with the YEP peeps.
• Pleeeenty of food.
• Frisbee was mega awesome.
• Laughters and silly scandals.
• YEP peeps are the best ever.
• I actually 'camwhored' a bit ._. A BIT. puny wuny lil bit.
• Being with my family, what more could I ask for.

We had lots of food to share about and wheee, playing frisbee was super fun too, me doing the high jumps and JY doing the low catches with splits. And just by being with them kinda cheered me up immensely. No more emo haha :D

Walked about Suntec with the rest that's left. Eza' joined us later for dinner and heeey more fun again! Laughter over dinner over some... Powerpuff girls thing =,=. Managed another selfown thanks to that.

To end it off, i just wanna say. DAM I love you YEP people! The best thing that has ever happened to me so far.

Labels: memories, YEP

Today was... emoish day.

Rejection. People walked out on me. Too much to bear. One after the other. Where did I go wrong. Maybe I've opened up too much. Maybe its time to say goodbye.

The feelings all coming back. All the self condemnation. All the thoughts of worthlessness. All the melancholy. I'm sorry. I suck.

I don't know anymore. History is repeating itself. They say it isnt my fault. Then why. why is this happening again.

My heart is withering off. That wrenching feeling. I don't know. And I'm still needed to cheer folks up. No one's there for me.

I tried to believe. I really tried. That friends isn't a just a bunch of hello's and goodbyes. I'm always proven wrong. And they still say it isn't this way. But it is.

So now. What do you want me to do. Return to my world. Linger on in a hurting reality. Right now, I see my dark cave calling out. Where there's just me. only me.

I'm just letting go. But this time I ain't believing anymore. No more. Friendship is just a bunch of lies. Don't try tell me otherwise. I believed once, twice, thrice and beyond. But no. You're just toying with me.

Goodbye. Goodbye all. There really isnt a point right. After all. There wont be a difference.

Whatever. Goodbye.

Labels: EMO

Whooo, today's the first day of school again. Was pretty fun actually. I kinda look forward to it, seeing that I hav 2 modules I've taken particular interest in, development psychology and relationships. And its wowz, it suddenly feels like I nv had holidays or something. Just thrown back into school life. And ohmy, its even busier this sem T.T

heh some things abt today:

• Went gym with YEP buddies, sat around.
  
  
• Sat in the same lecture hall for 4 hours. Unbearably horrible.
  
  
• Ate lunch in less than 10 minutes.
  
  
• Bumped into a few YEP peeps
  
  
• Did a class presentation on Day 1.
  
  
• Lifespan class turned into a Socio recap class
  
  
• My friend did me a big favour :D thanx
  
  
• Petty quarrel with Yve's fren lol
  
  
• Met Hi! Club for briefing on tomorrow's event :D

Labels: School

The holidays hav come to an end and this has been the most meaningful and impactful holidays of my life. Most of the times I'll be just rotting away at home but this time, it's event filled and action packed.

From pre-YEP preparations, 2 weeks of YEP in Vietnam, Hi! Club camp, and HMS LAC Camp.

In YEP, I found a family, and within the two camps, I found friends. Each and every of these events have impacted my life, and change my views, especially YEP. But I hope things wont just end when school starts, I pray I'll bring these changes together with me as I progress ahead.

I don't want these things to be part of my memories, because memories grow old and fade,
I want these to be part of my life.


Oh and here's a video for my YEP trip =D

Labels: camp, hms, memories, thoughts, YEP

HMS LAC Camp was awesome, even though 36 out of 70 campers turned up. 1 Group only had 3 campers. 4 days of camp certainly was tough-ish. Got dirty, sweaty and definitely with the lack of sleep.

The camp really opened my world to HMS. Got to know lots of seniors as well as freshies :) - found out more people knew me then I knew them.



My group was labelled as the horniest group... (eh I wasnt part of that nonsense ok...) But hey, I still thought we were the most awesome group ever! :D


Sleeping on the floor was worse that I expected. Having slept on the floor many times, I often using my sleeping bag as a pillow, and in this camp we slept in the classroom which was insanely cold so I had to use the bag. Sleeping on the floor at home seems so much comfier, and also, we woke up each morning with red eyes thanks to the dusty floors.

Labels: camp, frenz, hms, YEP

Mom left me home without dinner. Disaster striked.

No probs I thought. Gonna starve it out as usual coz I'm too lazy to go out to get food. I decided to munch on leftover mooncakes which is kinda what I've been doing every missing meal so, got sick of that quick.

After much persuasion from my friend, I decided to cook some plain rice with eggs to eat. Big step I took.

Checked my rice pot, damz, it isnt washed. As in the all the bit of rice here and there all hardened up so i can wash it, just soak soak soak. Fine... So i'll be having plain eggs then. Aaaaaand. I'm out of eggs. Great.

Wat to do, now must get out of house right. Bought cup noodles, potato chips and EGGS. And even before I get to eat my noodles, I split them on myself. Hot water with dissolve ajimonoto all over my jeans, bleh. Legs turned red.

Attacked the tube of chips after the noodles and is feeling good, other than having my mouth feeling full of chips seasoning.

Any one wanna know which flavour I bought?


And now, for some weird reasons, its only 9.30 and I'm feeling awfully awfully sleepy -- you can see from my weird writing.

Today is a bad bad day.

Labels: smile

My life is wasting away.

Am just sitting in my room on the floor, staring at Facebook and msn for half the day, even when there are no updates.

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, nobody to be with.

Pathetic.
.__.

Labels: Me

Heh.

Being feeling all weird and changed since coming back from the YEP trip. Oh and I cant find my stupid medical form, and that's gonna cost me $450 of funding and a tongue lashing. :/

and yea, suddenly I feel super self conscious, not on how I look or what not but kind of more my behaviour. I could say I came back from Vietnam a different person. Maybe, being more 'me'.

Besides that, I've also become highly aware of friends, say, the level of friendship, interaction, and you know, just the whole thing about being friends. Maybe that's why I treat the people around differently.

It feels like re-living 'me', which I pretty much don't mind. Even having the notion to change my name to Nico, not that I'm not already Nico, but to change what I'm being called.

And hey, maybe with this, I can really start life anew. Throw away the past and begin on a brand new fresh life. Oh and if things don't work out, I still have Pillai ;)

Labels: Me, smile

HAHA no actually, I thought that was the best ever!

Heh ok for starters, I think a lot a lot a lot of people are not as mad for signing as me? I realized I am signing whenever, wherever, however almost every time, ohwells.

BUT HEH, THAT'S WHY I'M SO GOOD RIGHT?

ok haha xD

Whooo camp was slighly toughish. Didnt expect it to be really a instructor camp even tho they said it a few times.

Lets see, in 2 - 3 days we had to prepare to sign a song, sit for 2 test, get our fingers all cramped up and take part in cmap activities and oh maaai, sleep late and wake up early, like 2+ zzzz, not to mention that I slept in a friggin aircon room on the floor. (And I brought my sleeping bag haha, jus didnt wnna use it.)

But most importantly, heh my signing vocab has increased, perhaps twice? Now i can sign as I talk already haha, whooo

and I had fun with Tim and Yve and other buddies! *sign*

Labels: camp, hi club, Me