For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.
Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P
But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.
Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.
For anyone that wonders what has happened to me, it's been a down and out season for me ever since I could last remember.
I know I haven't been talking to anyone at all. Somehow there this urge in me to avoid everyone, hiding into this reclusive isolation. Wonder if it's me falling back into the mire of self pity or the reemergence of my past struggles.
I wish they'd know and understand, but it'd always end up with an erased message, and a reminder to myself its better off not being a burden to them. I'd explain myself but after repetitively hurting others, it becomes meaningless and pointless.
I wonder if I've done enough. Tried, given and sacrificed enough. Enough to make up for their worth in my life, enough to repay what they've done for me. I know I feel something for each and everyone that played a part in my life, yet I can't find the heart within myself to truly cherish and make them feel valued. Worse still, at this juncture of my life, I'm indifferent to the loss of people in my life, to the degree of even my family.
People reading this might ask, what exactly is it that I want. I ask myself that too, but I dun really know. Maybe to understand love, to feel that sense of excitement and anticipation while waiting to see a loved one. Maybe for someone to pull me out of this emotional abyss.
It's hard though, living with constant struggle between repression and facing my anxieties. I deeply desire companionship, yet fear the possibility of upsetting others, leading to their disapproval or even departure.
Maybe all I need is for someone to grab hold of me and slap reality back into me. Or maybe there's already ppl there, only that I'm blinded by the idealistic expectations I impose on myself and unknowingly those around too.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.
Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P
But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.
Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.
For anyone that wonders what has happened to me, it's been a down and out season for me ever since I could last remember.
I know I haven't been talking to anyone at all. Somehow there this urge in me to avoid everyone, hiding into this reclusive isolation. Wonder if it's me falling back into the mire of self pity or the reemergence of my past struggles.
I wish they'd know and understand, but it'd always end up with an erased message, and a reminder to myself its better off not being a burden to them. I'd explain myself but after repetitively hurting others, it becomes meaningless and pointless.
I wonder if I've done enough. Tried, given and sacrificed enough. Enough to make up for their worth in my life, enough to repay what they've done for me. I know I feel something for each and everyone that played a part in my life, yet I can't find the heart within myself to truly cherish and make them feel valued. Worse still, at this juncture of my life, I'm indifferent to the loss of people in my life, to the degree of even my family.
People reading this might ask, what exactly is it that I want. I ask myself that too, but I dun really know. Maybe to understand love, to feel that sense of excitement and anticipation while waiting to see a loved one. Maybe for someone to pull me out of this emotional abyss.
It's hard though, living with constant struggle between repression and facing my anxieties. I deeply desire companionship, yet fear the possibility of upsetting others, leading to their disapproval or even departure.
Maybe all I need is for someone to grab hold of me and slap reality back into me. Or maybe there's already ppl there, only that I'm blinded by the idealistic expectations I impose on myself and unknowingly those around too.
Darren Nico Pillai