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Goodbye All.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ok, I didn't think of it this way, and I'm not diffusing the blame, but its just that wow. it's my fault again.

This time when I said they left, I thought pretty sure It wasn't me who left this time. Guess what, now it's me who chased them away. Bummer.

Really. To all of you who said I'm a good friend, complimented me on the person I am, told me that I was good. Were you all sure you know who you were saying those words to? All of you. Everyone. Telling me, I'm good, I'm a friend. That failing is nothing. Sure. I understand your intentions. And i'm grateful.

But from now on. Stop telling me I'm a friend. I gave it up once, and you ppl gave me that hope, and right now again, I failed. Clearly it shows I don't deserve the status as a friend. And for all those that thinks im some great person, you just havent seen me enough, or know me better.

This has been going on and on like since forever. Each time I continue to try, I only fail again, and end up hurting people. Edison failed 1000 times before he got the lightbulb yes, but that's only because he finally invented the lighbulb. Imagine if he never did came around it, imagine if he stopped at 999 or 1999, or that thru his whole life, he never got it working. Would he be as recognised and know for the bulb as if he succeeded. These people are known only because they succeeded. No one tells you stories of people trying over and over and over again but never worked anything out. Most of them are known as fools. Like me.

You keep telling me, I’ve my good. But so what, I’ve done harm as well, and more. You say you wanna get people to say out my good, why don’t you try getting them to point out my bad, and we see which amounts to more. Even if you can get a high score of the list of good, it only proves one thing; all the more I should stay around from others. Because it’s always the people that’s closer that gets hurt by me.

I don't want to keep hurting people. Thus far, everyone that has gotten close enough to me has bled already, and hence I keep majority of the people at a distance. Even the nicest & most loving person I've ever met, the one who reached deepest into my heart, is still hurting nonetheless. It's always them giving in to me. Making do with the way I am. Yet I'm never strong enough for any of them. It isn't fair for them. Some many good people, getting some kind of shithead like me, they don't deserve it really.

I want to change. I really want to. I don't know how to. And those which I know, I somehow cant. I've caused more pain to those I love than joy. You know. I had enough of this. I had enough of me hurting people. I had enough of me thinking I'm good in any way. I had enough of false hopes thinking I can do it. Just forget everything ok. Forget me.

At least, by keeping everyone at a safe distance, they get my good parts and not any of my bad. If I only learn how to kill myself from inside, then no one will be hurt by me. I'll only have to die, and there wont be any more pain. No one else will have to hurt if they never know me. Then I can just be a shadow, doing things for others. All without the pain.

I'm sorry for whatever wrong I did that chased you all away. Maybe it's a good thing. Don't come back and you wont have to be hurt. Yea, go away, everyone of you. Just leave me be.

God, maybe this would seem like an insult to you, but why, why am I someone that brings so much trouble and hurts to the people around me. Why cant I just be someone good, decent, someone that will bless others. Or if not, why cant I just stop being me, become purely selfless, and have no focus on me. I don't mind being a robot if it's for blessing others. But, why, why must I be a human?

And to all those who cared and gave me chances. Thanks for being my friends. Thanks for giving me that privilege of friendship, thanks for accepting me. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for allowing me the sweet bliss of friendship. Sorry for not appreciating you, sorry for not remembering you, sorry for not reciprocating, sorry for giving you trouble.

I appreciate your intentions, but... Stop. Stop telling all those nice words, they don't mean a thing if you haven't seen the whole of me. I'm not worth it either. I'm not fit to be anyone's friend.

Goodbye all.

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My First Love
Monday, March 28, 2011

Certainly didn't expect this. But well, it has always been a reoccurring phenomenon.

This time it didn't hurt so much. Maybe I'l become stronger, able to look less of myself, but maybe it's all the more why I'm easier to trample on. Of course, it still hurts because I'm selfish. I write all these not to whine and seek attention, especially from you.

When you walked away, I prayed inside for you to come back. But no one did, just as always. Well, with the choice to walk away already, why would anyone choose to come back, much less for me. Never mind.

You asked for us to stop. I'm wasn't sure what to do. I could just give up everything and play along, telling you to go as well, or... to fight on and tell you I wont let go. I could always choose the easier path, to tell you everything's gone, maybe to spite you, maybe to make you feel sorry, maybe so that you'll come back.

But hey, this isn't a romance film. In this world, nobody gets to see your hurts, and even if they do, nobody's coming for you. Sometimes, in this world, goodbye means forever, and not that they're returning even if it was a mistake. Or maybe so, nobody ever find out about it.

Losing you isn't gonna be easy. You were the first in my life in so many ways. Our journey was arduous but it was certainly heartfelt, many of the moments I had with you, in good and in bad, the joy and the pain. But you've asked me personally, and I'm not sure if I should let go.

I hope I will not regret this. Because you're someone so precious and I don't want to carry you as a burden in my heart. What if it's my fault for letting go, when I could have held on just a bit longer.

At the end of the day, I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of you. The difference between losing you and letting go of you is different. The pain is so unbearable, it's either I just go through it all, or I kill myself first. And I wonder if I can do that. I've gone through it once, and I don't want to go back there. I cant bring myself to stab myself in the heart again, I wish someone would do it for me.

All the pain and anguish, no one will ever understand. Sometimes, you'll walk through this journey without ever having anyone understand. But it shouldn't stop you or me from going forward. I'll keep myself alive for you. C'mon, I must be strong for you. put aside all those hurts, it isn't important. Selflessness. If Jesus could sacrifice everything for me, then all these pain should be nothing compared. There shouldn't be a focus on me, or my pains.

But surely, when you go, part of me gonna leave with you. Heh, maybe it'll go to the extent of me dying for you if I need. My heart goes with you, but my mind will stay back for the people, because they too need someone.

I've been preparing myself as well. One year. And I really want to cherish it. I haven't prepared for my death but I know I'll be able to take it. I will somehow. I always do. I'm not as good as you think, in fact, to some slight degree, I'm just like you.

Well, you're right. I can't promise you forever. But I promise you my best and all, and take faith that it'll last forever. As for that, I'll just keep giving you my best, even if I were to be rejected.

I love you, and you'll always have a place in my heart, always.

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Dreaming With You~~
Sunday, March 27, 2011

Memories are kept while dreams are forgotten. But some dreams become memories that never are forgotten.
The whole experience keeps playing out on a screen. The line blurring between reality and fantasy. It's like a dream, but unlike the typical one, it isn't vague. Every detail, every arc of the story, every start, every beginning.

Every now and then, the scenes invade my mind and I'm transported back to where we were. It brings me a sweet feeling, yet accompanied by a pain of its realness of impossibility. Every moment was so surreal, yet the touch of you kept me drawn in. To be able to experience so many things I've always longed to know and have.

Yet it pains every time I think of it. It hurts more that it's real, and not part of my imagination, but it was made like a dream; with an end, when you wake up and everything's gone.

But I have this habit, I like to laze around in bed, thinking about the dream, and perhaps continuing the story in my semi-conscious state. In fact, I've successfully done it many times. This time, I wished I could have a good ending to it. To be with you to reminisce through the dream together. It was a lovely moment for me, I wondered if it was for you. I've never shared a dream with someone before, and to know what the dream was like for you. All before I wake up from it.

I’d love to know what it was for you. That it would be something meaningful and special to you as well. Something your heart took comfort in. I wish that after all that’s been in your life, perhaps this could give you some resolve. And I don’t want you to think for me, I want you to just think of yourself as who you are and fully grasp the essence of this moment. I may never have the chance to ever see this end again. And I can only take the faith that it was something for you.

But well, maybe you didn't want to dream. And this mustn't make this only about me. It's painfully sad but everything to end abruptly like that but I should stop thinking only about myself. It's hard to let go of this dream and its ending with you. Maybe I wont ever be understood by anyone but that's just one of the price of sacrifice. But painful as it is, for you, I'll keep it as my own secrets. From you, from anyone. And this secret shall be my joy and burden, for as long before it withers.

You don't have to tell me to forget it. I'll eventually forget it somehow. Dreams like these linger on indefinitely until triggered to remembrance. Every moment spent is something dear to my heart, whatever way it was. You can't make me forget it, only time can. But for as long as destiny allows, you'll be the girl of my heart, til the day I lose every bit of you.

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
 If I could just see you
If I could just hold you
Tonight

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When best is never good enough.
Saturday, March 26, 2011

It’s supposed to be a day of celebration, yet I’m troubled by much. Much that I wish I could express, but I got to hold in it for my people’s good. Maybe someone will know of these, maybe none. But as painful as it will be, I’ll have to make another sacrifice then… I hate it, that heart-piercing pain, when there’s a big stake pressed down on my chest. It hurts so much, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Why, ok maybe I’m being selfish by wanting to know, but I really dunno how else to support. I’m not strong enough to blindly stay there and wait. I know I suck, I’m not sensitive enough, I dun say the right words or ask the right questions. I don’t capture the right feelings and much of what I do doesn’t really mean much to you all. In fact, I don’t make a good support at all; I dunno how to. But hais, I wish none of you would do this to me. Owells, it takes a lot of effort for me to do that, but then again, perhaps you all have your own difficulties too. Who am I to complain about myself? Do what suits you. I can’t promise I’ll be there for you, but I promise to do the best my heart can give. I’ll just stay around and fight as best as I can, somehow. I’m used to it anyway. My efforts are too pathetic for the concern of any. So yea, just give me a smile to let me know when you’re better. Thanks.

Well it isn’t fair for me to say you wasn’t there for me. I believe you did what you could, whether or not I knew it or appreciated it. Guess it’s also time I learn to stop relying on you and stand on my own two feet. Like you, I found support around thankfully, and managed to pull through. Thanks for being there for me through out everything. I'll learn to hold my fort for now and stop piling on you unnecessary burdens. As for you, I’m not sure how else to support you, I’m just not capable enough, I’m sorry for being useless, and failing to live up to what I promised you. I can only leave you in her hands; I believe she’ll be the one for you. And as for whatever that wont be reaching my ears, I hope you’ll keep yourself well for doing what’s right. When you said I was going to be disappointed, I said I was used to it. Well, it was out to spite you. but yea, This is the first time we’ve been like that. I tried, a few times. I don’t know what’s going on, I wish you’d tell me, but if so, then owells. It hurts, to be honest, but I take faith that you have your reasons, maybe something more important, something I don’t and wont understand. Just hope you’ll be fine… God be with you wherever you go, whatever you face.

And you… maybe what I did was wrong. Maybe I neglected you. I’m sorry. I tried talking to you, showing concern in the best way I can, but once again. I’m just not good enough. I hope you’ll be well, and you won’t have to bear any pain, if any, let it be on me. I should be the one responsible, it was my fault anyway. I hope I can still have my friendship with you as it is.

I’m grateful you gave me a chance. I’m sorry if I wasn’t good enough, not being there for you the right way even when you opened the door. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, I tried my best and I can only hope it helps. You’ve helped me a lot in these season, I only wish you’d have the same, but sorry for being such so weak. Sorry to be your misfortune. Thanks for all the feedback and support to improve me that has kept me going through the days. And if it be so, don’t risk opening your heart on me; I’m not worth the pain. Give the chance to someone who deserves it more.

And so here I am hurting over my incompetency once again. I can foresee people telling me not to give up, that I have my own goods and yea. But at the end of the day, when all I get is being pushed away by everyone, who am I to blame, them? I’ve tried as best as I can, really. I dunno why I face this problem everywhere. Its either them not opening or me being some loser. The latter that I can find more fault with. I tried, really. I know it’s small, meaningless & pathetic. I’ve tried as best as I can. I’ll probably make some good here and there, but yea, it still comes back down to me being a lousy friend, even though you all tell me I’m ok, I should be myself… It hurts every time I'm being pushed away, especially when because I'm not worth it. I don't know why, but it feels like suddenly, I'm alone again. As if they've left me for hiding, or to accomplish other things. Or maybe it's my fault again, some wrong I did unknowingly... Probably is, always has been.

I’m too weak to be anyone’s friend. No one deserves me. When best is never good enough. Sorry to everyone I've fail. I should stop causing others trouble...

But once again, God, please help me =/ I cant take this pain.

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Cover the World With Love

Today's the big day. After countless hours of practice and grilling, we're up on the stage and signing before many. Despite the nervousness and uncontrolled trembling, our hands move with sync, and our hearts beat as one. I believe, everything everyone has put up on that stage, together with all the efforts have make everything bit of this possible. Thanks all.

Leading this event has helped me learnt a lot. The role of a leader is no easy feat. To have to put on a strong front, putting aside your own weaknesses and troubles and being a hope and guide to your team. A sacrifice that might leave you fighting alone, a pivot where all responsibilities falls on. Having to be one step ahead of your team yet be with them. Being not just a leader but a friend. Learning to accept all under you in a just and non-discriminatory manner. To be there for all no matter the difficulty and distance of all. To sacrifice your ownself, feelings, thoughts, comfort zone for the needs of the people. Truly, being leader is not as simple as it seems.

Definitely, my journey was riddled with failures and there's still so much I can improve on. Allowing my emotions to take the better of me, not planning before time. Being judgmental, non accepting, being too weak to lead. Even so, this time was more difficult for me as I had to stand alone, without any direct support. But nonetheless, I'm grateful for the support raised from the members of the group. The efforts and input, the initiative to find solutions, and how they stepped in when I fell down.

This whole event brings me great achievement and joy. Having the finest standard of song signing performance ever for any known history. Being crazily synchronized, even without a reflector for Nurul as she's a HI. Being able to pass on these fine and minute details of critical song signing aspects to them, and finally to be able to put on a good show.

This will indeed be one of my most memorable events ever in Hi club =)

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Where reality and fantasy meet.
Thursday, March 24, 2011

I fear that would happen since the day I saw you. Why would you?

It took one persistent call as the catalyst to begin. Now all I know is our lives will never be the same. We've left a dent in history. Dream after dream, thought after thought, slowly unfold in light. It's like fantasy melded into reality. It's crazy, boldness in the wrong place, with a waiting heart. I prepared for this, and yet my thorns failed. I'll never know the possibility a second chance may come. Your fervour lasted forever, undesired parting. Now tainted, I don't want to be filled with regrets and shame nor to avoid, I want to meet in face, and overcome it, and be able to look up without contempt. The decision was made, the price has to be paid. An empty field to begin, but I'll plow it in return, for both earth and heaven. I only hope I wont lose myself in it.

Thank you for everything.


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My mind is still constantly perplexed about it. When the line between fantasy and reality blurs til I no longer perceive it. Confused by its reality, yet impossibility. Out of now where that fulfillment of an inner secret. How, can something so impossible, first framed by vague imagination, now painted with vivid details be real? Yet it is.

Hidden places were uncovered, relics collected. The veil was removed, the maiden left vulnerable. The moment of contact and the tingling feel down the body. Both released their cupbearer for negotiations. Interconnected, it warped a space within, longing for it to be filled again. Innervating ecstatic reactions from head to toe.

How, did it come to be. What, made it possible. What if all these was only a dream.

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Sunday Christian
Sunday, March 20, 2011

I wish everyday was a sunday.

Every early morning, it'll be a drag to get myself out of bed, walking to the mrt, and then for another 15 mins walk. But each time the lights dim, the music play and the words spoken forth, I'm enjoying every bit of being in His presence. A feeling I wish would never fade off if not for my human self.

Church. I feel blessed that each sunday, I am reminded of God and how real He is. I get a mixture of joy, gratefulness, brokenness, love, strength, hope with the best part of being able to feel the reality of God. My thoughts are centered around God and I find the inspiration and passion to do so many things I know I have to. I love how my thoughts would flow without ceasing about God. This godly touch every weekend, I wish I could stay in it forever. Because I know how well, each time I walk out of that service, I'm back to 'the world.

I hate it. I hate how I always lose focus of God, feeling the lethargy to do anything. I hate how I become selfish and then weak. I guess I'm a sunday christian. 6 days of the week, I live in a bad testimony to God. Maybe I still have a good heart, but with the focus off God and reliance on human strength, I still become selfish, and fall far from what I set my morals to be. Every moment in your presence rejuvenates my soul, and without I become an empty vessel again. I wish I had a good christian community. One that holds the same standards as I do, one that will push me to do the right things, one that guide me back to God even what I don't want to. Yet again I cant wait for a community to happen, i need to build it by being it, and oh so many times I've rejected the voice to find God.

Dear God, I so dearly wish to be in Your presence. I don't just want it as something felt 3 hours every sunday and I'm left wishing for it. I don't want to be weak for the other 6 days, and gaining the strength when not many people can see that part of me. I know more than anyone else, crystal clear of how much You're real in my life, and have proven of every time I turn to You, things do work out. I wish I wont keep relying on human cognition, and bogged by my weaknesses.

But in all, I use "wish" because I know none of this can happen with me just wishing. A choice must be chosen, an effort must be made. Only then can there be a difference, no matter how small the change. God please grant me added grace for me to do all these. Let my life be a true light of You.

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Take To The Sky
Saturday, March 19, 2011

So much has been happening this hol's

Heading HiClub's Grandioso-team, planning progs for camp and heading a second camp performance. Ever since camp planning started, the days have been packed consecutively.

Some random things~

cracked my laptop screen while leaning on it. Now there's a awesome black lightning bolt looking thing everybody thinks is cool but I dun have the time to repair it. Probably during camp. It's getting kinda annoying now though.

Practice for grandioso broke new grounds for synchronization. Tried with eyes closed, and without music. Haha, tedious but its a great achievement. I wish more Hi clubbers could be part of it though, I'd like to see the standard for song signing improve. Too bad my time is over.

camp planning been choppy, with problems here and there, and me being unhappy abt so many things til I've lost my heart. Argh. Gonna stop criticizing and give more constructive ideas. Pfft

Been spitting out random thoughts on twitter lately. I like.

Much has been going on in my head recently. Mostly thoughts about people, and thoughts about myself. Hopefully I'll grow through whatever experience happening now. I kinda wanna take a break from all these and just chill.

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A Step in Your Shadow
Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Thank you God for the strength.

And suddenly I find myself back to where I left. Selflessness. Oh blessedness. There’s the drive to keep myself once again.

I’m deciding to take up more responsibilities this coming camp. I want to make sure that nothing goes wrong, and that everyone will have the best. I don’t have a need to do it to such extents, in fact, I may not even capable so but for one thing I know, I’m fighting for the camp. Just as well, I’m fighting for you. I want to do what you would have wanted be done if in my place. Since you wont be around, I will take the fort for you, looking to you as my role model.

I’ve also found out an interaction between issues I didn’t realize had a bigger effect on me. I have felt inferior to you for quite long. You’ve always been more tactful, understanding, passionate, being able to reach the people, way more selfless, stronger, more known, more capable. Much of what I can do, you could as well, and make it better.
And with my loss of confidence, both from low esteem, and due to my genuine lack of skills, I have become over reliant on you. Needing the assurance from you for everything I do. Always returning to you for consultation.

I know you would want me to stand on my own and not fall on the shoulders of others, especially yours. Well, I’ve lived on with much of self-accreditation. Most of what I know comes from faith, but humanly, I’m weak and with no confidence of myself. Maybe I lack the affirmation from others. Touching a sore point brings me more negative response than positive regard, and hence I fend for myself through the times.

Nonetheless, now that I know, I shall not let myself live in inferiority. Yea, I may feel that you’re still better than me, a notion I choose to determine as fact. But I am who I am, and I will do the best of the way I am. And that will I impact lives the way I most uniquely do so.
Lol, it’s somewhat self-accreditation again, but there are people I know who are with me, people who believe in me, people who will support me.

And if they believe in me, why should I not?

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Pride comes before a fall
Sunday, March 13, 2011

I hope it'll be a virtue I'll drill into my head; humility.

This season had me face up to many painful areas of my life. Initiated by a series of emo outbursts, beating myself up, only to unacceptingly find certain truth in them. I have been living with a inflated sense of ego. Truely, pride is one of my biggest downfall.

Functioning as a self protecting mechanism as to the false self-credit given to keep my own esteem stemming from the lack of affirmation through my days. Yet, an over dependence of it has done more harm then good, as many defenses do.

I'm always wavering within the two extremes without any proper substance. On one hand I think too highly of myself, placing myself above others. On the other, I fall into self-condemnation and self-pity of being the most terrible person ever. Both of which creates this exaggerated focus on the self.

Hais. More often then not, would be the pride of superiority. Always place myself above others, that I can think better, do better, that I have high morals/values, doing more right things, being more sacrificial. But going through all these have allowed me to see the weak state I am.

I've gone past the emo stage, those the thoughts seems similar, but seeing through so many of my faults, Im not sure how else to see myself in a positive light. Maybe this is my fall, humbling me from conceitedness. I only wish I can be rid of these weaknesses and flaws.

Yet as well I'm afraid of losing this battle, that after everything goes through, I might be back to that's prideful state. I admire humble people really, ironic but yea. It's so easy to forget these people because they never do credit themselves until someones points out so. But that should be the way things are done. Not for self-glorification or build one's esteem. Need to learn to remove my "self" out of the picture. God break me if you must.

I need to learn a great deal about humility.

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Cos I need You to Come to My Rescue
Friday, March 11, 2011

There's so much things going through my head I wish people could understand. I don't want it to be forgotten in time, yet these thoughts cannot be expressed in words.

For now, I only wished I'll become less selfish towards all the people around me. Being so self-centered when they are people out there fighting their own battles, in the midst of coping with their own hurts, yet here I am crying out for attention to receive, and doing things to make myself happy.

I've fallen from where I was, an increased manifestation of sin every day. I look around, with the knowledge of what I should do, but my mind is halted by inertia, and the numbing of feelings and motivation. Possessed by the inner demon, growing weaker every day.

I wanna get out of this state really. I'm beginning to admire others, from once I pridefully thought I was better, their strength. The only thing I'm good at is picking myself up, which doesn't do much good since I fall too often. I spend more time standing back up than doing something worthwhile.

There's more that I've uncovered, bringing me greater dismay and hopelessness. A side of me I thought was over, and that now I've only find it to have seeped into every being of me. I've lost it, lose to those needs, lost the ability to look past myself. Now, instinctively I've looked out only for myself. I've turned into something so appalling.

I hate myself now. I hate the way I am. The discontentment. It's gathering everything that can used against me and it's taking effect. Years after years, it resided, resiliently strong against my attempts. Having forgot it so long, maybe I gave it time to grow powerful, and now its raging force is overwhelming me. Every day's a torture, a conflict of wills, a struggle for power.

How, am I going to get out of this. How can I ever slay this beast. A plague of my life, a yoke to my destiny. Oh God help me please. In these dark times I no longer hear my own voice calling out for you, but hear the desperate pleas from the silent depths of my heart. It isn't much to offer but I ask that you take it, and come rescue me. Take me out of this anguish. My heart grows weaker, my resolute dissolved. God please help me, free my soul from the captive of these demons. Soothe my burning pain from each crime committed against You. Take reign over the throne and restore peace and wealth. God, would you reinstate my role as your servant, under the command of your sovereign hand, empowered and authorized by Your mighty name. God, make me whole again, heal the infections that has eaten my bones, fill my voids with your love. God, turn my eyes and feet away from the world, steal my heart once again, let it be You that I desire.

Father Lord, come to my rescue.

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Insecurities
Thursday, March 10, 2011

Hm.. didn't realize how much that event affected me.

Suddenly, I've lost confidence in myself, falling into a state of self condemnation and being lost. No longer believe in whatever I do, and out arises this desperate need for affirmation.

The better I think I am, the worse I find myself to be

These days have made me reflected upon the scales of right and wrong, selfless and selfish, and I find myself weighing so heavily on the bad. Maybe it is over-exaggeration, and negligence of the good - something which I find myself lack. On this scale I don't want to put any self-credit of previously false experiences.

Everything I do recently been bogged down by insecurities. The recent two days leading the Grandioso team was terribly done, often with moments where I lose myself, either in confusion, or in fear. Even in other areas of interaction with relationships and doing things.

Heh, I think I lack affirmation, yet it is something I can't rely from the people around. Let these be an expression of my needs, I seek no post-pity actions from people. I find that for much that I do, despite acknowledging the insignificance of it, comes from a personal effort from inside me. I don't ask for people to give me in return, I dare not. Everyone has their own lives. Though I deeply wish to know that I've done something worthwhile with little bits of my heart I give out. I only wish to know that I didnt do all these for nothing.

But nonetheless, these desires seems never to be fulfilled nor satisfied. I'm gonna have to look beyond myself, and to God. Faith. Need to find that peace and assurance once again. Every time I become human, I become weak, but with God, I can move mountains.

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Defensive Forts
Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I wish people wouldn't put up walls.

Daunted upon me that it isn't that I don't know what to ask people when in conversations; I actually do have all the questions, I just don't dare to ask them. So much so all those questions have become suppressed. Dang.

Maybe it's me, being way too extreme. All those small talk, I hate it really. I mostly enjoy talks about life. I like things about what people are feeling, thinking, their pains, their growth, concepts about life - values, morals, experience that touches the heart. Haha, maybe more of those deep/chim sort of things.

I don't want to think I'm the only one loving these things, I'm sure many others do, just that I haven't found them. I'd wish I'd find them, each conversation would be something meaningful that builds life, doesn't have to be of depth, just something of quality.

But heh, I no longer do ask much of these anymore. I fear the rejection. Every time a certain questions pops up in my mind, and all I ever tell myself is "if only, but nah". I've begin to judge myself even, that I probably wont be worth the answer. Each time when asked about day/things/life, all i get in return is "fine, good, nothing much".

Hais. Come on, there's 24 hours to each day, and the functioning speed of the brain, surely there must be something worth talking. Feelings, thoughts, random moments, something that makes you go wild, whatever. Just don't say fine, nothing much, and all that, at least throw in a explanation why.

I'm not sure about the so many people around, but maybe that we're just having too much walls. Don't feel like saying anything, nothing much worth saying to so-and-so. And we wonder why there's not much genuine relationships. Everyone's waiting for someone worth it, but nobody's making it worth it. We're all just keeping behind our shells till it's safe.

And then the chain reaction. One opens, while the other happens to be close. Hurt. The other closes and then the other opens. Really. It's pain yea, but why can't we all just put down our dam walls. It's like a mirror image perception of each other. We all hope to be able to know each other better, yet neither of us dare to open up, waiting for the other to be the nice one to make the first move.

I wish people could be more real to each other. And with that more acceptance as well. What's life if everything is kept in our minds unknown to others. Both the good or the bad, it's about being real, and being that for each other. Everyone wants genuine friendship, and that has to be earned, not dropped down from the sky randomly.

Come on people. If you really want those genuine relationships, you've gotta work for it. Even if you wanna be more passive. Be open about being passive! Actively passive. Lol. But at least the other person knows, rather than be left guessing.

Walls are natural defense mechanism, but I find that they do us more harm then to protect us. Pain, the feeling we're so adverse to, makes us grow stronger. It sucks, definitely, but what is life without a pinch here and there.

this world needs lesser walls and more genuineness.

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Out of Disappointment, Into Destiny
Sunday, March 6, 2011

Today's sermon encouraged me a lot.

With the recent bouts of hits on my esteem with that final blow knocking me down, I've hardly walk on without limping. Was at the verge of just giving up after that heavy blow.

But I've decided, I'm don't want to continue walking in all these disappointments. Yea, I was hurt, it sucked, and it didn't feel good. But so what, everyone's feeling that way too. It's somewhat enjoyable to dwell on all the negative stuff, but it'll only stay in our minds of imagination. No use being emo about it, hurting myself and those who cares. As written in the previous post, all the time dwelling on all this hurts only wastes the chances, and precious moments of life with others. Shall appreciate them.

Your words hurt me. I respected you. But we have different morals, and I stand by what I do. Maybe hope, is what sets us apart. Nonetheless, I shouldn't have to go down just because someone is against me. If I'm to stand for what I believe in, then I'm sure you wont be the only one. I only have to be accountable to God for judgment. Being down and all that when there's still so much to be done, it just isnt worth it.

Today, I'm gonna walk forward again into destiny. Making mistakes sucks, and I may not have as much confidence as before, but neither will I let it dampen my spirit. Each moment I live in selfishness, each opportunity I miss to bless another's life.

We walk, we fall and we bleed. To get back up and wipe away those blood and tears, we'll continue reaching towards our destiny.

I'm back and invincible once again, with God's strength, nothing's gonna keep me down for long.

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Blindsight

Why do people never appreciate things until we lose them?

The tendency to take everything around us for granted, as if they will always be there. Even with the knowledge, we like give it "one more day" before we do something. It's so easy to complain about the things that we lack or don't suit our liking, yet we hardly take time to appreciate what that we have. Food, shelter, relationships, commodities, money.

Don't you see how much people are hurting and in need out there. You dont, or maybe you do, but really, who needs to bother themselves of the affairs of others. Why bother about those with emotional hurts, broken relationships, those who's hearts have been damaged so badly it impairs them from living life to the fullest. Those who's living in an an environment of daily strife, struggling with finances, those who are living in perpetual loneliness inside.

Yet here you are with a privileged life, without much taint, feeling the mundanes of life, wanting to experience the world. Life's too clean without any problems for you. People you've yet to meet, would do much better in your life, without going through all those pain and trouble. For another, life's too full of problems that renders you immovable. A dwelling of self-pity to make up for the one others give you. Keeping an immense self-centered focus on the hurts and pains, much in the neglect of anything around.

The allure, it's captivating I guess. To everyone. Some resist it, others reach for it. Good or bad, some of us know deep inside, backed by a conscience. The foolishness of humans? So many times, drama or reality, we always have to make some regrettable mistake only to understand ourselves, many of which unfortunately become too late for amendments. Regrets are undeniably one of the most painful burden anyone can bear.

But why, why even in our blindsight do we always have to wait for all these painful mistakes to happen for us to wake up. Why cant we just take a tiny peek over, to turn our heads to the things we ought to hold on to. If only people would stop hurting themselves, and consequently hurt others who love them as well.

Selfishness. Why?

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Unworthy
Saturday, March 5, 2011

Maybe you'd think I was wrong in doing that. I don't know now, I no longer will say I love, nor say I'm a friend, but all I know is that I couldn't sit by and leave my friend to that path. Morals albeit, some mistakes are not worth the folly of making. Forgive me if I have disappointed you.

I expected a lash-back. I never imagined it would hurt that bad. A price to pay.

==================================

I wish I'd never had to go through it the third time. But it did. Been slightly unstable about it and trying to keep it calm, but the rocking boat has capsized.

I thought you were someone good. I wished you could be someone I would wanna be like, look up to in respect. I tried believing in you even if no one did. But no, forget it. I've lost all faith in you. After struggling with it for so many years, I think I'm dropping you.

You claim to have all these fundamental concepts, yet at the very basic, you fail as a friend. You fail to even love. You portray yourself as some know it all, filled with pride as if no one else knew as much as you did. Despite all that you talk about, you judge. You impose upon others your deep thoughts you assume to be the same rule of everyone. You end up creating this false world of your rules and anyone who breaks them has done wrong. Really, what happened to understanding?

And all of them. You treat like projects instead of people. Trying to solve all the problems in the world, but you never had a proper relationships. All you did was go in their lives, tweak a bit of things, and walk out thinking smugly that you've done some good. You don't even build proper connections, making friends and forgetting them when new one comes along. You dont treat anyone as friends, only taking them as good feelings all for granted. You come in when you feel like it, leave when there's nothing appealing. Is this what you call love?

And all those good things you've done, do you think you're someone noble, or expect to be admired for being good? Cause nothing you do is worth anything praiseworthy, especially when compared besides all the wrong that you've done. You take false pride in your little actions, but you neglect all the hurts and damage you've caused. Hurting them one after another. Don't you see no one's bothered by your worthless actions?

You've caused everything I've believed in you to fall. You've hurt and reopen all my wounds again. Don't blame anyone but yourself. You are beyond screwed. You dont deserve any sympathy. Maybe that's why no one comes for you, maybe I was a fool to believe in you. You were never needed, anyone else could do the same good things you've done. Sometimes, you're nothing but a parasite to make the lives of people around you worse. I hope you'll be placed some where far from people so you cant hurt anyone.

Right now, I'm sorry I'm walking out on you. But I really cant go on with you anymore. It hurts every time I place my faith in you high and you send them crashing down. This is the final straw.

I can only hope you wont be too alone, and perhaps others would be there for you. Hopefully they can still see and tell the good in you, because I no longer do, nor will I anymore. Not sure if anyone appreciates you but I can only hope you'll find someone else who will bear your burden to help. I can no longer believe you anymore.

For now, I wont ever call you a friend anymore. You're entirely unworthy of that status.

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Sophomore

This week ends the 2nd year of academics in poly. Been reflecting about how much this 2 years have been, the experiences, the life within it. It's mindblowing trying to fit everything into my mind.

I wonder it would be like in year 3. Being seniors, and none higher. I wonder what would be the next transition of life be. I wonder how life would be as it goes on. Mind boggling.

But anyway. I'm inspired to use my holidays wisely this time. To do more productive things and not waste my time away facebooking or playing games. Maybe go out more to meet people and do some good. Pick up a new skills, gain more hands on experience. Build back some relationships, fix some. Learn new things, read more books. Develop myself, explore deeper, refine my character. Become a better friend, to love selflessly.

Wanna get the most out of what's there and yea =) Hope I find the strength to carry on everything. Been worn out lately, but I haven't been doing much either. It's time I did something more worthwhile.

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