Dammit.

Lost the pages of my scrapbook. Shit. I knew something like that was gonna happen when they passed it to me yesterday. Ironically still reminding myself to check for it before leaving dinner. Somehow I keep forgetting anything new or different that is beyond my normal routine. It's amazingly ridiculous how I can completely forget the existence of it.

Labels: life

Flying off to Israel tmr for 10 days. Hope I dun suffer from claustrophobic restraint in my 10 hour flight. Gonna get to visit the places in biblical text, enter into a history relived. Not sure what it's going to be like but going with open expectations.

At the same time, feeling sort of uncomfortable. Going overseas is fun, though thr always this part of me that's reluctant to leave. Hais. I think I'm just afraid of losing what I hav now. Like when I'm back, things will change. Or getting left behind, as everyone progresses ahead while I'm absent.

I'm scared of losing everyone.

Labels: life, thoughts

Sometimes I don't know what to do. It's reached that stage where I hit the glass ceiling again. After this point, most relationships either stagnate or fade. I'm scared. It feels like I'm helplessly bound to lose them.

The feeling sucks, sometimes I just watch on as other friendships continue to solidify into stability, still maintaining contact, calling each out for dates and I wonder to myself why the hell doesn't all this come natural to me. It's as though my heart was kept behind invisible walls, and I slowly succumb to the belief in my ineptitude for friendship, the long lasting deep ones I mean. I can't find my way out to people, to the dreams I see myself to be.

I have a lot of undesirable traits when it comes to friendship. On immediate second thoughts, people have commented that I am or will make a good friend. Would that be me over-analyzing my flaws, or sadly that people being unaware of them until closer proximity. I wonder if anyone understands.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

We all hav this scoreboard inside us. We're all adding scores up on each other. Kinda like all our experience added up. All the bad thing and the good stuff weighed out that often determines the state of one. That's one reason why one good deed isn't always too enough to change a person. Or when we take a chance at things only to be hurt by someone.

As mentioned earlier, one good may not be enough to change a person's heart, but it's still a point. Long and persevering the fight may be, so as long as the good work is kept, raking in a good works and lessening the bad, the good will one day outshine the bad. And hopefully so will their outlook as well. Or at least, be a counterweight to balance up the positive experiences.If only we'd all play nice.

Labels: thoughts

It's pathetically sad. Over and over again, chance after chance, history repeats itself in the form of your rotten self-pity screwing everything up. And after the 101th time of repetition, here I am frustrating myself over your lack of understanding. Is it me not being kind enough, and you simply being too screwed up for kindness to help.

Sometimes I wish I never hav to talk to you again. Your self pity is detestful. But I always tell myself to give you another chance, to believe you could see some light in it. That even until such a twisted end, that perhaps some form of bond might still be kept. But, really, your self pity is so rotten and putrid, you make the good in you turn bad. And this is half the reason why things have the end this way. You've driven me so far away with the pathetic state you constantly immerse yourself into, beyond logic or reason, just pure destructive self-pity. And you become so blinded. Your warped mind convults every thing around you. Even light becomes darkness just by your own thoughts. Sometimes I want to say I care for you, but really I don't know how to anymore, let alone subject myself to your mocking ridicule of me being non-caring of anything less than your self-centered expectation.

There's only one reason why I keep getting worked up despite telling myself to just screw this shit. It's because I care, whether or not your self-pity infested mind is able to understand that. I tell myself not to care, yet something about you compels me otherwise, and I hate it. I hate myself for loving you so.

So dammit, you know dammit. Here's to a fool pointlessly trying to make things objective to a person deeply absorbed in self-pity. I should seriously learn to shut up, and realize that nothing's gonna help, however logical or reasonable it's supposed to be. Dammit, if you want to screw yourself with your bastardly thoughts, by all means I will now leave you to them, as much as I hatefully regret so. Need to stop letting myself get so poisoned with your ridiculous nonsense. I myself am becoming obsessed, angry and unforgiving. I ought to swear to myself not to give you another chance. I no longer should have a need or desire for anything I say to be understood by you so I shouldn't even bother worrying how you might misinterpret things as you so often do. The effort and emotions put into trying to get you to understand the truth can be better invested more productively in building up people who cherishes it.

Go vent your need for constant self-victimization and attention to your tremendous disastrous state of hurts and sorryness to some other idiot who "cares" more.

Got so much to write about yet each time I try to write on a happy memory, a lesson I learn, the words elude me in this messy game of chase. Everyday I'm just stoning off time, trying to find a way to numb the emptiness, just watching time tick by everyday.

"Stuck in reverse" describes well the state I'm in. This regression I'm falling further back into. The weird thing is I'm perfectly fine when I'm with people. The stupid thing is, I become so withdrawn I don't even have the idea of calling people out. The best I can do is to kick myself out of the house and have a proper meal, then take a longer route home.

I think I just need to get away from the computer, away from this mind-numbing escape route. I feel more alive when I'm out, though it doesnt remove the emptiness. I wish I could live with people.

Will try my best to write out more productive posts whenever I can.

Labels: life

Came across someone's blog quite some time ago. In one entry, the author wrote about an estranged friendship, of how they used to be close, being his first friend in class, though now a rift separates them and he isn't sure why.

I know this two persons, though I didn't know they had a sad story between them.

Recently at an event, I saw these two friends again. Things were different though, they were playing and tickling each other, laughing and playing. I remember the look of ecstasy when they knew they were in the same team.

It's quite a touching sight, seeing two people, once close friends turned strangers, to hav that reconciliation between them again.

Wonder if I could hav that chance too. Being able to have that treasured bond again...

Labels: frenz, thoughts

"I'm afraid this won't succeed."
"No one succeeds on their first try, if you do, you're lucky."


Nobody likes failures. Been onto putting together a new event again and I gotta say, I was getting quite worrying with the number of hiccups. And then I realized the truth in the statement. Success at first try is quite a rare and fortunate thing. But we all first start out flawed and unlearn. And it's through the mistakes, the harsh knocks we learn and improve. So albeit uncomfortable and unsettling seeing things possibly going awry, it's always a learning point eh?

But for now, things are getting better! =D Really glad to have the team right now =)

Labels: thoughts

When you enter into that place of divine encounter, everything fades away. Your fears, sorrow, or the emptiness of the heart, you surrender everything. And then comes this indescribable joy, a purpose, and this peace that calms your soul. Your problems don't matter anymore and you know you'll be fine. You're tasting the sweet moment of His personal touch and presence. Love takes over and your spirit is made whole.

Labels: God

Dammit.

Lost the pages of my scrapbook. Shit. I knew something like that was gonna happen when they passed it to me yesterday. Ironically still reminding myself to check for it before leaving dinner. Somehow I keep forgetting anything new or different that is beyond my normal routine. It's amazingly ridiculous how I can completely forget the existence of it.

Labels: life

Flying off to Israel tmr for 10 days. Hope I dun suffer from claustrophobic restraint in my 10 hour flight. Gonna get to visit the places in biblical text, enter into a history relived. Not sure what it's going to be like but going with open expectations.

At the same time, feeling sort of uncomfortable. Going overseas is fun, though thr always this part of me that's reluctant to leave. Hais. I think I'm just afraid of losing what I hav now. Like when I'm back, things will change. Or getting left behind, as everyone progresses ahead while I'm absent.

I'm scared of losing everyone.

Labels: life, thoughts

Sometimes I don't know what to do. It's reached that stage where I hit the glass ceiling again. After this point, most relationships either stagnate or fade. I'm scared. It feels like I'm helplessly bound to lose them.

The feeling sucks, sometimes I just watch on as other friendships continue to solidify into stability, still maintaining contact, calling each out for dates and I wonder to myself why the hell doesn't all this come natural to me. It's as though my heart was kept behind invisible walls, and I slowly succumb to the belief in my ineptitude for friendship, the long lasting deep ones I mean. I can't find my way out to people, to the dreams I see myself to be.

I have a lot of undesirable traits when it comes to friendship. On immediate second thoughts, people have commented that I am or will make a good friend. Would that be me over-analyzing my flaws, or sadly that people being unaware of them until closer proximity. I wonder if anyone understands.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

We all hav this scoreboard inside us. We're all adding scores up on each other. Kinda like all our experience added up. All the bad thing and the good stuff weighed out that often determines the state of one. That's one reason why one good deed isn't always too enough to change a person. Or when we take a chance at things only to be hurt by someone.

As mentioned earlier, one good may not be enough to change a person's heart, but it's still a point. Long and persevering the fight may be, so as long as the good work is kept, raking in a good works and lessening the bad, the good will one day outshine the bad. And hopefully so will their outlook as well. Or at least, be a counterweight to balance up the positive experiences.If only we'd all play nice.

Labels: thoughts

It's pathetically sad. Over and over again, chance after chance, history repeats itself in the form of your rotten self-pity screwing everything up. And after the 101th time of repetition, here I am frustrating myself over your lack of understanding. Is it me not being kind enough, and you simply being too screwed up for kindness to help.

Sometimes I wish I never hav to talk to you again. Your self pity is detestful. But I always tell myself to give you another chance, to believe you could see some light in it. That even until such a twisted end, that perhaps some form of bond might still be kept. But, really, your self pity is so rotten and putrid, you make the good in you turn bad. And this is half the reason why things have the end this way. You've driven me so far away with the pathetic state you constantly immerse yourself into, beyond logic or reason, just pure destructive self-pity. And you become so blinded. Your warped mind convults every thing around you. Even light becomes darkness just by your own thoughts. Sometimes I want to say I care for you, but really I don't know how to anymore, let alone subject myself to your mocking ridicule of me being non-caring of anything less than your self-centered expectation.

There's only one reason why I keep getting worked up despite telling myself to just screw this shit. It's because I care, whether or not your self-pity infested mind is able to understand that. I tell myself not to care, yet something about you compels me otherwise, and I hate it. I hate myself for loving you so.

So dammit, you know dammit. Here's to a fool pointlessly trying to make things objective to a person deeply absorbed in self-pity. I should seriously learn to shut up, and realize that nothing's gonna help, however logical or reasonable it's supposed to be. Dammit, if you want to screw yourself with your bastardly thoughts, by all means I will now leave you to them, as much as I hatefully regret so. Need to stop letting myself get so poisoned with your ridiculous nonsense. I myself am becoming obsessed, angry and unforgiving. I ought to swear to myself not to give you another chance. I no longer should have a need or desire for anything I say to be understood by you so I shouldn't even bother worrying how you might misinterpret things as you so often do. The effort and emotions put into trying to get you to understand the truth can be better invested more productively in building up people who cherishes it.

Go vent your need for constant self-victimization and attention to your tremendous disastrous state of hurts and sorryness to some other idiot who "cares" more.

Got so much to write about yet each time I try to write on a happy memory, a lesson I learn, the words elude me in this messy game of chase. Everyday I'm just stoning off time, trying to find a way to numb the emptiness, just watching time tick by everyday.

"Stuck in reverse" describes well the state I'm in. This regression I'm falling further back into. The weird thing is I'm perfectly fine when I'm with people. The stupid thing is, I become so withdrawn I don't even have the idea of calling people out. The best I can do is to kick myself out of the house and have a proper meal, then take a longer route home.

I think I just need to get away from the computer, away from this mind-numbing escape route. I feel more alive when I'm out, though it doesnt remove the emptiness. I wish I could live with people.

Will try my best to write out more productive posts whenever I can.

Labels: life

Came across someone's blog quite some time ago. In one entry, the author wrote about an estranged friendship, of how they used to be close, being his first friend in class, though now a rift separates them and he isn't sure why.

I know this two persons, though I didn't know they had a sad story between them.

Recently at an event, I saw these two friends again. Things were different though, they were playing and tickling each other, laughing and playing. I remember the look of ecstasy when they knew they were in the same team.

It's quite a touching sight, seeing two people, once close friends turned strangers, to hav that reconciliation between them again.

Wonder if I could hav that chance too. Being able to have that treasured bond again...

Labels: frenz, thoughts

"I'm afraid this won't succeed."
"No one succeeds on their first try, if you do, you're lucky."


Nobody likes failures. Been onto putting together a new event again and I gotta say, I was getting quite worrying with the number of hiccups. And then I realized the truth in the statement. Success at first try is quite a rare and fortunate thing. But we all first start out flawed and unlearn. And it's through the mistakes, the harsh knocks we learn and improve. So albeit uncomfortable and unsettling seeing things possibly going awry, it's always a learning point eh?

But for now, things are getting better! =D Really glad to have the team right now =)

Labels: thoughts

When you enter into that place of divine encounter, everything fades away. Your fears, sorrow, or the emptiness of the heart, you surrender everything. And then comes this indescribable joy, a purpose, and this peace that calms your soul. Your problems don't matter anymore and you know you'll be fine. You're tasting the sweet moment of His personal touch and presence. Love takes over and your spirit is made whole.

Labels: God