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Disappear if I could
Saturday, December 31, 2011

I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.

Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.

I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.

Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.

I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.

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I will always be fighting for you.
Thursday, December 29, 2011

I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.



Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.

Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.

Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.

If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.

I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)

But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.

I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?

People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.

I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.

And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.

But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.

Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.

So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.

Hais.

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Individually unique, Collectively special
Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Cell was wonderful today. I'm beginning to enjoy cell more and more than I ever expected. Finally being able to feel like one of everyone. Don't need to act so tough all the time. Be there, share my troubles. As I lay down my own mask, I'm beginning to appreciate everyone and all their unique personalities, how everyone has a joke after them, or a stereotypical trait. Hoorah, I'm the chim one that messes people's mind in this convulted links of logic and philosophy. LOL.

Feeling blessed tonight, to have this group of Christian friends. No holymoly stuff. Just a time of authentic fellowship.
And I wanna say, Dang I missed ya all! :D Really enjoyed cell and everyone's company today~ I think everyone in this cell is super unique and adds to the rojak flavour. The kids, the one's who lived past two-decades, the young-at-heart's, the hunks, the chunks, the cute, the blur, the ones who come in fun sizes, the entertaining drama-mamas, the 'celebrities', the ones you'd occasionally sigh to yourself and wonder why you're even friends, the ones who are given 5minutes to speak, the ones who are given 30 minutes to think what to say, the ones who make you question yourself why 1+1=2, the easygoingcarefrees, the jokers, the jokes, the ones with full attendance, the blue moons, the ones whose names are subjected to endless puns, the ones who like have the hilarious habit of like using the word "like" like excessively; and finally, the ones who are in this cell; Love ya all <3 I feel so blessed ^^ Thank you God for PolyITE1~


I can do all things through Christ.
I can move a mountain if You are the strength of my life
I can do all things through Christ,
when You are the strength of my life.

Whatever trials may come my way,
I will worship You always,
forever trust in Your unfailing love.
When every doubt and fear press in,
I still hear Your voice within,
forever trust in Your unfailing love.

2011's been a really tough arduous year. Be the strength of my life.

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It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them
Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Had a long twitter conversation after replying to someone's tweet. sorry friends >< Anyway, since I'm too lazy to reorganize this to one coherent post which I'm obviously terrible at. Was pretty challenging considering the character limit of twitter, and not wanting to throttle tweetdeck with multiple entries of our opinionated discussion. so here's it all

Just clarifications first. I don't intend to have this be a good guy-bad guy convo in any way. Just strong opinions put across. No one's right or wrong, just lessons yet to be learnt. Hope the convo pasted below does not offend anyone.

Stupid parents. Think they know everything. So what if you gave life to us; we ain't your slave.

dun be surprised we might all become like that one day. What we think we'd never be, is something what we end up being.

I know but... sometimes when I look at parents stopping their children from being who they wanna be, it's just really depressing

Have you ever wonder that by raising up children and loving them, they had to give up being who they wanted to be?

they do that because they are willing, excluding those parents who have "accidents". Who would want bearing children as a chore?
taking care of children might not be easy but it doesn't mean that you can control what you want your child to be as an adult.

Yea, but now I'd ask you, if they sacrificed their dreams willingly because they love you, how much would that mean to you?

then I think it isnt a good excuse; if you want to do something, do it willingly. Don't use it as a threat.
well, it would mean the world to me that they took time to bring me to the world but they still can't dictate our life.

Just my humble opinion, but it doesn't seem to mean much. More of just a comparison to what they've done and what you want.

I just feel they should respect the child's decision. If the child wants to be an artist, you can't force him to be a lawyer.
you can only go so far without passion. If you force yourself to do something you don't love, is it still worth it? I say no.

I agree, but if circumstances dictates, how much would you sacrifice of your own, in worth of your parents' sacrifice?

depends. I won't sacrifice everything just because they want me to. I will have to see their views if they are reasonable or not

Reason doesn't always work well with love. Ever wondered if your parents had to take a sucky job to bring in money for food?

hmmmm that's a different story. If that happens, I'll treat them with more respect and will give back more. Sacrifice more.

Why not ask them? And is your love for your parents conditional? Depending on what you've seen and know them to have done?
What if parents went, "if this kid grows up to be a good, I'll love him more. If not then maybe it's not reasonably worth it."

I know my parents and how I'm too repay them. But i'm just saying, some parents have got to cut their children some slack.
Hey, That has happened before. Ever heard of how parents treat their haywired children or probably their gay sons?

Parents are humans too. They hurt us as much as we hurt them through our ungrateful ways. Both sides have their own shit man.

Yeah but sometimes, the sides aren't fair. Like parents beating up children for no reason. To say one of them

The sides will never be fair. And assuredly some parents have done great transgression on their responsibility over us.
As human as we all are, how many times have we all unreasonably hurt someone out of our own pissed attitudes. Words, actions.
A condescending word said out of anger can hurt as much as a slap to the face. And it doesnt have to be family. Friends too.

Meh. I guess, unreasonable is one of the traits of a human being.

like the way we children unreasonably demand shit from our parents like they owed us a living just becos they birthed us. ;)

It's a cycle...

Agreed totally. So now who's gonna take the first step to break it? Or we could all wait, hurt and hate.

Well, from similar experience, I might be that controlling parent but I won't take them for granted.

Then go ahead and make right. It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them :)
I know I've said quite a lot. But to really try understand what parents might have done. They probably had you in their 20's to 30's. And that's the prime of adulthood. They had dreams, ambitions, hobbies, and so will you. But for us children, whether or not they wanted to, they had to put aside their own desires, get a job, any kind, to bring money back to feed the family. Because they loved us.

Now as kids we'd demand our rights, our choices to do what we want, as though our parents owed us a living. but we'd never realized all the sacrifices our parents had made. After enjoying food on your table, a bed to sleep in, pocket money to buy the things you wants, all these without needing to do any work, is it that hard to understand why sometimes parents do "unreasonable" things. They gave up their life so we could live ours.

We as children could probably never reciprocate the price they paid, and yet we ask, no, demand more like its our right to live. How'd would you like if you paid for a homeless beggar's meals for one month and then he comes around to complain that the food sucks and it's making him look bad?

And heck do they even complain more than us about how unhappy or unfair life is ? It's mostly about our slipshod lives if they do. Even if we think we can survive living individually from them, we don't even know how much we're indirectly living off them. and it's seems parents are to blame for everything. For not giving enough, for being too controlling, for not being good enough. And when we're done and satisfied with what we have, we stomp all over them in a horribly disrespectful manner. Urgh.

And yes and if there's anything we rightfully deserve, it's for all we ungrateful children to be slapped for our arrogant manner and kicked out of the house for freeloading. Go live our own life independently as we so desire. But they never do, despite the shit we give them, because they love us more than we'd ever see and understand.

F*** us kids really. We'd never understand the depth of a parent's love until we become one ourselves.

(not that I'm one LOL)

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Hope

Hope is the assured anticipation of something good. It's not plain wishing. You're not guessing it or trying your luck. You know and you believe in it. And that's why it's powerful.

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Inner Demon
Sunday, December 25, 2011

I hate it. The inner demon inside. Corrupt; tainting every relationship I have. I can never look at anyone through a pure mind. Why do I have to see them in such light. Why can't I just love people for who they are. Why must everything I do be so self-centric. If I could, I'd dig inside me and cut it out. All I want is just to have friends, to enjoy the essence of those bonds. No altruistic agenda, no ulterior motives.

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Self-serving bias
Saturday, December 24, 2011

Lol, got somewhat offended by people cursing at God.

This is probably a shot between believers, and non-believers. About the existence of a divine being. I understand the argument, but it becomes idiotic when people misuse context to their self-serving bias: the tendency to take credit for success and deny any responsibility for failure.

It's this conventional culture on the emphasis of our personal happiness overrides everything logical and moral in our mind. We'll backstab, play politics, hurt people, do anything just to be at the top, where all the "happy" people are.

And it's dumb. Claiming credit for any good results, and finding fault with someone else when things arent desirable. Yes! I'm so achieving now because of all the hard work I put in, my practice, my talents. True, but are those the only reasons? There's still so much that goes beyond just our own efforts. Encouragement from friends and family, support they gave that indirectly spurred you. And even so, the untold sacrifices people make for us might have been the very deciding factor that lead to our current "success" who says it's all about you only.

Flip to the other side of the coin. Dam, I'm so screwed up because of my parents, because people hurt me, nobody wants me. It suddenly becomes like the whole world owes you. Except yourself. No, why wouldn't you put in the same effort to get out of it? No you can't? it's difficult? Then yea, it's just your own part of the deal you fail to meet. There's no reason to expect people to fulfill their bargain when you yourself have yet to put any decent effort before falling into self-pity again.

Dont be an ass really. If you're a non-believer, that make your words stick to it. I hate it most when non-believers scoff at the idea of the necessity of a God, yet in bad times, they curse at how a God would have allow such things happen. If you think there's no God, then in the bad, take it like it's your own doing like you would with the good. Don't just push the blame to a God that only exists for you to push the blame for all bad things that happen. By this you contradict yourself in your acknowledgement of the presence or absence of that divine being.

Why not praise God for every good thing, and reflect on what faults you might have overlooked when there's trouble. But of course it should be both praising and reflecting during BOTH the good and bad times (this goes out to fellow Christians)

And truthfully, such attitudes are despicable. In politically correct sense for both sides, thinking in such a manner shows that you place yourself above the possibility of the universal idea of a omnipresent omnipotent being. in simple words, you think you're greater than a god, or perhaps one itself. And whether or not one believes God exist or not, a pompous attitude like that is only doomed for failure. Irresponsibility.

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All because of love; all because of love.
Thursday, December 22, 2011


Merry Christmas-to-be everyone!


Ah, Christmas is in a few days, and you know, there's always so much hype and wanting to meet up, everyone's trying to pin that special day with significant others. Friends, close friends, old friends, church, school mates, family; everyone.

I mean, I'm someone who doesn't like to book out a day way ahead in the future because I live by the principle that you'd never know when something more important might happen. Dunno, feels a bit wrong, yet feels right.

Been trying to find a good schedule and date to fit the current events, not very sure where I should go, who I should spend it with. And I get annoyed all the more when my mom presses me for a date on the 25th with some really really old church buddies we kinda grew up with. Well of course I didn't like the idea, what if my current friends had a plan too, how am I supposed to say no?

But it suddenly dawned on me. When you keep trying so hard to make the most ideal choice, you become more and more dissatisfied at every option that doesn't meet up. That's because nothing's perfect; and sometimes the most ideal choice, is to simply let things be. Stop trying so hard for perfect and allow nature to take its course.

I don't know really, I only have two plans now. One, I'd like to have a small gathering with good friends, like we had last year. Something simple, something that captures the mood, and just a place we can all lie down and take a decent break for a moment. I'd really want that =)

Two, I just want, for once, to give priority to my family wherever and however they choose to spend the day. Sometimes, no matter where we go, whatever happens, there's always that warmth in family, no matter how little. Just how much we want to catch it, and make it grow. This year end, I'd want to make that effort. Spend time with my mom, my bro (if he's around). After all, family's forever right? =)


Here's how I'd like my Christmas morning =)


Christmas dinner!


the warmth of a fireplace can't beat the warmth of a family together


our innocent excitement as we unwrapped our gifts below the Christmas tree



A song behind the Christmas story.



Was trying to quote the best part of the lyrics that meant a lot to me, but somehow everything felt so close. And I guess I'll use this then.
"All because of love; all because of love."

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To lead, is to serve
Wednesday, December 21, 2011



18/12/11

Back from leadership camp. Dang, it's really been a blast. Getting a chance to be involved with the old comm to do something, and being able to lead in Hiclub again haha. Main objective this time was to empower the juniors with leadership skills.

Overall, the camp went pretty well, could see that the juniors took back a lot from it. Brought in a very different touch to camp this time, with a in-your-face lesson for leadership. It's kinda nice seeing how everything had a purpose behind it. The lessons, games, and even exercise. Quite encouraged hearing the positive feedback from the juniors.

This time was quite different for me though; lost my form. Wasn't the usual frontline upbeat ra-ra guy that lifts the moods up, rather more like a fool bumbling on his words. Felt like I engaged the campers poorly, and then as much as I wanted to, I didn't get any chance to sit down and interact with them as there was too much work needed to be done.

Maybe it's a lesson of humility. Kinda felt quite low during camp, not receiving the usual 'recognition' I got. Honestly, I didn't want to look bad in front of the juniors either. But then my satisfaction shouldn't be based on that; wrong motives. Thank God I had timothy and disheng to help take the fort for the learning experience of the camp.

Though haha, through it all, I do feel proud at least, for the back scene I've done. The leadership components was a last minute injection, after hearing all the problems Hiclub faced. Particularly a few people inspired me to clarify on the misconceptions and styles of leadership, especially for those unrecognized or unconfident. Hope that through it all, both generations of juniors can find some security in who they are and learn to lead from their heart.

Watching the camp reminded me of us 2 years ago. When everyone was still young and innocent.


Our 2009 leadership camp song, I love how it still fills our hearts with those lovely memories whenever we hear it. I love the sparks in our eyes, I love the beautiful natural smile that lights up on our faces. And mostly, I love the way we look at each other, almost telepathically knowing what's on each other's mind and how the perfect camp experience will always stay in our memory.

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God's Angel

On a more brighter/lovely note... (literally LOL)

Got this note from an unknown someone. Kinda quite touched hehe. Rare that I get such things, in a purposeful attempt I guess. Heh, "God's angel", a bit too high no? Wonder what I did to deserve that heh. Quite wishing to know who and what it's about, but I guess not knowing keeps me humble, don't have anything to boast about. Nonetheless, thank you so much for the note, means a lot a lot to me =) Will keep it somewhere.

Dear unknown, if you're here reading this, thank you so much for it, really. Heartmeltz lol. If I have impacted in you any way that has touch your life, I have one request, that you'll do the same for someone else =) Pass it on and touch someone's life as well ^^

And it's true isn't it, how there's always people out there loving us, and whether or not we're aware doesn't change the fact that they do =)

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The last thing I'd feel is you.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I'm falling sick with the my body constantly battered with fatigue. Burnout from stress, late night sleeps, overused energy reserves, skipped meals, empty brain juices, weathering cold rain, argh, it's just about time before my body collapses.

To be honest, loneliness been eating into me. Maybe its backlash from the previous saga but I feel like I lost the ability to connect to anyone. The stupid feeling's back gnawing at me everyday, every night. Sometimes, I want to ask for help, yet I dont really know how to. Never was the kind to ask people to care for me. Lol, yes, old issues.

Every night, I have this deep yearning someone's presence. Someone I can fall back on peacefully and safely, being able to let go of all the burdens I've been carrying. It's really been such a long time since I really rested.

I don't want to miss Christmas being like that =(

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Even the best fall down sometimes

Sometimes that's what I feel. I know I'm not perfect, yet I'm trying so hard to fight for things, and there's always so much resistance. From you, from my flaws. And it ends up I taking your burdens as mine, worrying about things beyond me. Yet I cant help but feel afraid and concern for you. I hate to see what you've become, but my care is of little regards to you. It's not like me trying my best helps, not like worrying for you helps, not even going all the way out beyond myself.

Right now, I'm just so worn out with everything. One failure after another. And for you, I don't know, I don't know what I can do to make things right. I hate how things have to be this way. How everything have developed. I've changed; you've changed. I'm human too, while love to meant to last, facing the same problem day in and day out with seemingly little progress takes its toll. But lol, now I bet it feels like I'm dropped you or something, heh, probably all my fault again. Hais.

Still love you, as a person, but just so tired from all the hoohaa and endless chasing. Don't know what exactly you want inside you anymore. Really wish we dont have to spend January like we did last year.

I wanna be me and be cared for too, but seems like everyone's down. Gotta be strong for others, my time will come =)

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Kindness' Chain Reaction
Monday, December 19, 2011

Feeling pretty exhausted from the lack of sleep from camp. And then the stress of my unfinished work as the deadlines closes tomorrow. And this loneliness and emptiness that keeps creeping up behind me. Can't wait to get through all of this, spend some time with people, and find some serenity.

Here's a video that makes me happy anyway. Kindness ought to be spread and multiplied. Whenever someone does something nice for you, do it for another person as well. Even though it goes unseen, unknown, it's still at work, touching the lives of many people.

With one little action a chain reaction will never stop. Make it strong, shine a light an send it on.
- Send It On


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We walk today, because we fell yesterday.
Thursday, December 15, 2011

This is a post written at 5am so my thoughts are mostly unfiltered. Gonna be long and boring...
Do not let me fall if you wont be there to catch to me.
The quote may sounds like an assurance to many, but I quite disagree. How does one not let another fall? And how does it make sense that someone ought to be there to catch us. Think about it, for the vast majority of times we fall, was there anyone to there to catch us?

I don't intend to bring this as another emo nemo negative trait of the world, but more of the personal responsibility we need to take in our lives. How is it someone's else responsibility to catch you when you fall, and if thus fail to do so, has as though committed a crime against you. It's like we blame others for not catching us. Hm.

First we need to question the origin of falling. There is two ways that causes someone to fall. Either it's a mishap on your part, or an external environmental trigger. If we get our mindset right, I'd like to think most of the fault is ours. So let's talk about that first. Sometimes it's cause we don't look out for things. The table corner, the ledge, the ditch, the curb. Sometimes it's a mistimed step, trip over our own feet, misjudged the distance between your steps and feeling like you've walked off a cliff for a split second. And that's mostly with non-living things, it'll be stupid of us to blame the chair for magically appearing in your way. Yet somehow, amazingly some of us actually even go into a fit of rage, spewing vulgarities and being pissed off at it. At something with no choice, will, or intention to do harm to you.

Things get a little different with people though. Ahh, now it's two people right, there's that active participation in that unfateful interaction. Perhaps someone knocked into you while walking. Now it's easy. Quickly our fingers point out, cant the person have looked out? Is he so dumb or careless to not see me? And we forget with 1 finger point out, we have 3 pointing back at us. We didn't see that person as well, we walked right into him the same way he walked into us. But we always find the right excuses for ourselves. Nuff said.

I mean if you rethink that earlier sentence. "Don't let me fall, if you wont be there to catch me" Summing up my previous point, falling is often our own doing, and now we're demanding someone to be responsible for it? The only way another person could fully ensure he is abosultely free from having that happening is to tie you to the floor. That way, there is no way YOU can fall. It's almost akin to saying, "Don't let me starve, if you wont be there to feed me" I'm not sure about you, my mind doesnt even make sense of what I just said. Maybe it's a crappy analogy, but I'm thinking that's because the two parts of it doesn't even have a logical link.

It's by grace we're caught. Nobody needs to catch you, it's not required of them to dive to your silly imbalance. But we all would if we could, because we care. The problem comes when we (fallers) demand that grace as a right. When I fall, someone has to catch me.

You realize when someone falls, you dont get a crowd rushing towards you to carry you, pacify you? There is of course times we need help that people do come. But that's because we know we're supposed to pick ourselves up. We grew up taking knocks here and there, sure we got help and attention every now and then, but we mostly got by ourselves.

And so then what? We learn. We learn how to balance our steps well, a little adjustment to our speed, a slight twist to our feet, we try to prevent another fall. And if it so unfortunately happens as it always embarrassingly does, we learn how to fall right. We know the nasty experience of falling straight face on isn't something you want to do twice, we attempt all kinds of maneuvers from swinging wildly to grab something by chance, stabilizing ourselves mid-fall like a gymnast, to reaching out our hands to catch the fall. And if we graze ourselves, bleed a little, we learn to not think about the pain, or make do with some comical limp.

It becomes almost pathetic to have people blaming others for their falls. Surely when it comes to people, there's two parts to it. But I've seen so many people just lying on the floor. Something trips them up, perhaps a broken friendship, or a conflict that hurts both ways. It ends up with them feeling sorry, and then being all self-pitying and waiting for someone to

Sometimes, we are not careful and we don't look out. Conflicts occur, problems develop, relationships break down, and sometimes we fall from the pain of it. It's a natural thing, our emotions gets knocked off balance and we tip over. The pain is great, but the biggest issue comes when someone doesn't know how to pick themselves up. In their low, they end up feeling so hurt with no strength to get back up. Sometimes people are there to pull you up, sometimes not. But the thing is, we can't always be relying on such help, at least not before we've made our bestest effort to get on our own feet, then only are we truly in need of help. Some people get so over reliant, they get muscle dystrophy, get so used and pampered to the demands of always having people pick you up, we lean on them, and tell them. Well, don't let me fall, if you wont be catching me" And then it's like in our own stagnant state we demand and enforce others to stay with us. And if they move on and thus we fall, we feel like it's their fault for moving away and not ours for leaning on them.

And then as well, the more intentional trip ups. People hurt you, knock you down, fail you, break your trust, betray you, and what not. Someone can do you wrong and punch you straight in the face and knock you over. You can choose to remain down and cry, sulk, and complain that he has to pick you up. Well, he should to make up for it, but what if he doesn't? Will you stay put and wait?

All in all, to sum up everything. We fall mostly due to our follies, and additionally by something else. We get knocked down, feel depressed, it's all part of natural physics. The biggest question is, what are you going to do next? Stay down and be unhappy, feel sorry for ourselves. Or pick yourself up, learn to overcome the pain. Have the scars as reminders and life lessons. Don't grow up physically yet remain emotionally infantile. Know that blaming others and feeling sorry for ourselves doesn't help anything; life moves on, with or without you.

We walk today, because we fell yesterday.

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The Good Words Behind Your Back
Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Today, my dad and I have a weird relationship. We get along okay, but he never seems to celebrate any of my successes with me. I graduated valedictorian at my high school and got a full academic scholarship to a great state school in the past few months. My dad never once said, “I’m proud of you.” Over the years I’ve simply come to expect this type of thing from him. He plays the tough guy role, and that’s just the way it is. But this afternoon, two of my dad’s golf buddies stopped by our house to pick him up. While they waited for him to get his clubs out of the garage, one of his buddies said, “You know, Jason, your Dad is constantly bragging about your achievements to us on the golf course. He goes on and on about you.” His other buddy nodded in agreement and added, “Yeah, last week we were discussing some of our own personal successes, and he told us that raising you and watching you grow up to become who you are is his greatest achievement.”
Haha, that would be lovely wouldn't it? Having people proudly compliment us to others. I'm sure many of us do :)

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Sadness isn't weakness.

People been saying my blog been quite emo recently. Lol. I'm surprised, though I think otherwise. I'm sad, not emo. Emo is when the mind's wonky. Sad is when you feel down, or unhappy about things.

But it's alright. Sadness is a part of life. It's a normal feeling, and it's totally ok to feel so. The world seems so adverse to being sad nowadays, it's like a taboo feeling. It's stupid. It's stupid not to feel sad when you are, it's stupid to hold back your tears when it's welling up. In fact it's stupid to disallow yourself to feel sad just because the world think it's weak.

No it's not weak. Rather it's strength, it's being stronger than the many people today that hides behind a false mask of "happiness" To acknowledge your own weakness, your vulnerability, sadly it's become a feat people are uncomfortable and unwilling to do nowadays.

It's perfectly fine to be sad. Just don't let it rule your life.

Here's a random video to make my blog not so sad, but I realize the contents is quite saddening too. LOL. but rather I'd want to appreciate the love and strength behind it.



And here's to all those reading my blog. Wahaha, thank you for being here. It somehow comforts me. :D



Kay, I'm not sad-ish le right :D

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Fuck Self-pity.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sometimes I think you're just a selfish bitch wallowing in self pity. You destroy yourself, and then destroy the people who care for you. Then it goes back to blaming the world for leaving you alone and feeling sorry for yourself again. You love yourself way more than others, and this fragile shell you've made to protect yourself in.

No one can help you anymore. Only you can help yourself. There are people who care for you whether or not you see it. People love us less than what we expect, but more than we realize. At the end of the day, it's just a sorry state for you to be in, ending your life believing so earnestly of your loneliness, hating the world for it. There were people around. you just never saw, you'd never open your heart to receive.

You gotta take responsibility for your life as well. Everyone experiences that deep loneliness at some point of their lives. In fact, I like to bet that majority of people are lonely people inside, even those wearing the biggest smile everyday. The world is more disconnected than it seems, with social networks giving us illusions of being connected. Shut your laptop, switch off your handphone, and you might just join the multitudes of people, with a cold beating heart, holding themselves to sleep.

It's what you want to do with it. I've been through my own share of loneliness growing up. Grew up emotionally alone from my family when young. Dwelled in self pity and just feel so sorry for myself, of how I deserve to be loved, that I should be given more attention and care, to make up for what the world owes me. My problem and hurts was soooo big and pitiful. People should come for me, give in to me. That all these needs inside me ought to be met. Ending my pitiful life which no one cares about. And I lived in years for that, waiting for some miracle sent person who would come to save me from this sad pit I'm in.

Until I realize the only miracle person that's gonna get anything solve is the one you see in the mirror. The big problem is us, that idiot that wallows in the mud of sorrow. We become so absorbed in feeling sorry for ourselves, we take all these hurts, and tend to it, take care of it, nurture it, since no one would. In the end, we become so focused on it, it becomes our pet, our companion, the one you turn to when you're hurt and sad. After all, it's the only thing that can relate to you, the doppelganger of your past, only it will know your pain, only it will know your hurts. And so you run back to its embrace, making sorrow your friend. And that's the only friend you'll have because of how "safe" it is.

I like to think depression is merely chronic self pity. I wouldn't categorize it as a mental disorder. But I'll say it's definitely not something that can be snapped out of, but more of weaning the reliance of that perverted comfort in that dark gloomy world, to find a more realistic hope in the world. And by realistic, I refer to both the loving good, and the painful bad that encompasses everything in life. It comes as a bundle, but true happiness outweighs the suffering. Nostalgic moments with friends and family, outshine the arguments and disputes we've had. Because all these made us who we were today. The pain taught us to be stronger to overcome, losses taught us to what's important in life, and suffering taught us character to become better people.

So learn from it all. Life can be harsh sometimes. So instead of sulking in a corner and never graduating from it, learn to accept the reality of life. Dont neglect the people around that care simply because we're too caught up with our own selves. Open our eyes to see how our silly whimsical negative thoughts hurts the people who care and loves us. There will be bouts of loneliness, downs of melancholy, and quivers of heartaches, but don't forget it too that there are the lovely moments as well, much indescribable to how it personally plays our heartstrings. There is both the good and bad in life, it all depends how we want to approach it, the perspective we take on it.

Be responsible for your own life. Work on it as best as you can. The world is unfair, not just to you, but everyone. Know that there are always people more unfortunate than you, no matter how bad it seems. Open doors and partner people. Expect nothing from them, but the unpredictability of life, with its ups and downs. For everything that you can do, do the best of it. No one has the right to be loved, no one deserves to be loved. But by grace, we are, and so we love too. Accept others just as you wish to be accepted, a simple law of reciprocity. Life is what you make it to be.

Be happy, or be sad. It's a choice.

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FYP Overdrive
Saturday, December 10, 2011

Going into a crisis state soon. FYP, school report, and camp planning all around the same date and it's closing in by a week. Starting to get really stressed, shutting myself out and having to do extreme things. Body still hasn't recovered from the toll with the previous event. Mind's on standby anticipating the moment to enter overdrive. And then there's the people everywhere. People I want to care for, people that want to be cared for.

I hope I can pull through this moment. I hate to be in such a state. I can forsee myself doingsomething stupid in that chaotic condition of my mind. Either to forget or neglect someone. Do or say something impulsively regrettable. Drop people suddenly. Even get unreasonably pissed at my dog. My mind's like a ball of glue bouncing around my caveload of troubles that's cracking on the pressure. It's times like this I wish to disappear so I wont risk having to hurt anyone.

Think I've already made some mistakes but I really cant help it. I hope they understand, though I dont expect anyone to. Owells, I should just disappear for the moment. Sorry friends

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Why can't we be friends
Tuesday, December 6, 2011

While doing my fyp today, I suddenly remembered of the time we camped overnight at airport to study. My heart sank a little. I miss those precious times when we were still friends and smiles were common between us.

I haven't smile for you for a really long time. Every time I think of us my smile fades out, my heart sinks, and my eyes turn watery. I wished we didn't have to be in such a state, and I hate myself, I really hate myself for taking us down that road that led to all this. Taking things further when neither of us were emotionally ready for it, and now you're in this state and i'm in almost no position to help except to keep pulling things together to atone for my mistake.

I don't like blaming people, I'd prefer to look at my own faults first. Just that, it's gotten to a point when self-blame is just destroying me unnecessarily. I end up hating myself for things that I don't have to bear. I don't expect support from you, but inside I dearly wished that you would sometimes. You often say you love me and I know you have done and cared a lot for me, and how I've hurt you by leaving and dropping you one side. And it's the been the only thing I've seen you say.

I totally acknowledge that I've done many, many stupid things to hurt you. Things I shouldn't have done, and things I should have done. I in my shame admit the horrible nature of a person I am inside. But I, too seek your acceptance in the weak being I am. I don't like the idea that you pin a great deal of your hopes on me, because I jolly well know the probable outcome of anyone relying on me. Failure. That is what I am, a wreck, a complete mess inside, a weak person yearning and wishing to be loved as well.

Though sometimes, it's really heart-piercing the things you do and can be. Though on one hand you do many nice things for me, many of which I find hard to appreciate and reciprocate, from the uncomfortable feelings from my past. Sometimes you can be nice, sweet, cute, lovely, thoughtful, but on the other hand, you can be selfish, stubborn, irrational, self-defeating, and unwilling to solve problems.

And the things you do have really hurt me as well. When you hate me, you reject me, you put me down, you ignore me, you expect things of me I truly cannot give. To put it crudely, you can be a bitch as much as I bastardly as I am. Sometimes, even as I try give you the benefit of the doubt, it feels like you're not open to solving any problems between us.

You've almost never encouraged me whenever I'm troubled or worried about us. Sometimes going to you only gets me more discouraged and disheartened. When I try look for solutions or inquire or current problems, you dont provide any assistance. And as it turns out, I being the complete blockhead I am, am always thrown back by the intensity of an issue I never realized existed. I dont even understand how we can be anything more when we cant maintain a decent friendship.

I don't say this all to blame you. No use pointing fingers at each other. I only ask, that you help me. I cant see how you are, but it doesnt mean you're not, so please let me know how you're doing so that I can find ways to compliment and support you. If not so, I'd dearly ask for you to objectively try to resolve things too, if we keep trying, things will be solve in time.

It's closely reaching a point where I'm contemplating whether to hold on or not is how much you're wanting this to work out. If you see this as completely hopeless and genuinely don't want it to be, then I will let go of it and stop bothering you. But if there be a will inside you that wants it to work, I will keep trying my best to fight on for you.

I wish we could start it all over again, from friends.

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Bridge of Light
Monday, December 5, 2011

Soundtrack from Happy Feet 2.



It's silly, but I tried hard to hold back my tears when the song played. Didn't want you to see me like that. I've never felt such pain of hopelessness ever since our paths crossed. Every scene in life that's gotta to do with hope tugs on my heartstrings. I really wish things will get better for you, I'll pray for you everyday.

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God's Masterpiece
Sunday, December 4, 2011

Watched this video at MHI today. I guess what hits home is knowing that despite all the shit we get ourselves too, there's still someone that sees hope in us, loves and accepts us. No, we're aren't hopeless messed up shit. We're just frightened little kids, confused and lost, seeking out the answers to our needs; and it's alright to be. All we have to do is let go of our false securities and let faith work its way in us. And then miracles happen.

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Changing the world, One life at a time
Saturday, December 3, 2011

Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said…

“I made a difference for that one.”
I wanna change the world and impact people too. I want this world to be without loneliness, where everyone reaches out to another. For a world of hope, for a world of love. But first I must be the change I want to see in the world. And so, I'm changing the world, one life at a time. I am and I will.

It's the little that adds up to a big difference.

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Things we don't realize

New favourite inspired quote~ <3 <3

I believe people love us less than we expect but more than we realize.
- Nico

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A Trip To The Past
Friday, December 2, 2011

Went to a funeral of a distant relative last night. I was expecting to go there and just hang around, pay respects, but for the 1.5 hours I was there, I felt like I was a character in a drama, rediscovering a lost past. Like the novel "5 people you meet in heaven".

We picked a table at the corner, politely asking the two people if the seats were vacant. Sitting, I watched my mom exchange greetings with a man across the table. By the way they speak I could tell this wasn't their first encounter. The lady beside him smiled sweetly and nodded. Immediately after another elderly man who was pretty fit came over and greeted my mom, and then turned to me and asked in a loud voice in chinese, "Do you know who I am?"

I smile sheepishly with an embarrased reply, showing quite well I couldn't remember any of the faces in the crowd in my vaguely fragmented memories. I know they knew me though from the past. Everyone who said hi to us had the same exclamation of how big and tall and handsome I am now, gesturing with their palms in an up-down motion. Typical icebreakers I supposed.

As I slowly picked out bits and pieces from my muffled interpretation of dialect, a realization dawned upon me that these weren't just random folks that came to pay respects to a mutual lost one. They were uncles and aunties, not the common salutation but literally. And then there were granduncles and grandaunts, great-grandaunts and uncles, and a whole bunch of other cousin-related ranks I have no idea how to address. My paternal grandmother came from a family of 8, or 9 and each of her siblings had more than 3 kids. Her mother - my great-grandmother had a few siblings as well. Imagine that massive scale of family networks branching all over, it'd take an extra one or two drawing blocs to trace them out. I guess it felt like an astronomer locating the position of a new nebulae or witnessing the birth of a new supernova, and who wouldn't marvel at such an astounding revelation.

The conversation topics drifted from an electronic device than promoted healthy blood circulation, to NS lives, and finally to the history of my dad. Everything felt magical as I imagined what they mention of him as a kid, younger than I was now. Most of it was narrated by my grandaunt, who appeared well versed in english. The family abandoned by his unfaithful father, "Dom"s mother had to do shameful jobs to support the family. In time, his mother found another man, who however despised him. As a young child, he was physically abused by the male figures around him. Dom was left in a home, which at that era, was a gruesome place a kid could be in. His grandmother was appointed his guardian. During the school holidays, Dom would stay at his aunt's place, whom treated him fairly and lovingly, dividing her allowance to give her kids and Dom pocket money equally. Every time the holidays ended, Dom would be in tears begging to stay another day.

Shortly after a brief pause, a slightly fat middle aged chinese man joined the table. My grandaunt introduced him as Dom's cousin, and mentioned us as Dom's family. The man, my new-founded "uncle's" eyes lit up as though he was suddenly jolted by some memory. Holding on to his half cracked peanuts, he excitedly said out, "Dom?", and then gazed at me, "Ah, you know, last time when we were young we used to play together! We would go play by the kampung with him!"

I smiled in appreciation of his nostalgic expression. Silently, I phased out of the conversation, drawing a picture in my mind, my father as a young kid, running about with his cousins, his only family left. I wondered if he was smiling when he played with them. How would he be like? Was he obnoxious as kids were? Would he be closed up due to his troubles? I wonder what went through his mind, being a small kid facing abandonment of his family, tossed around between his relatives. Stuck in a grim squalor boy's home. Finding a home from a few relatives who had a heart for him. What was he like for him, as he grew up? As he thoughts developed with maturity, what did he see himself to be? How did he managed the agony is his heart? Was he lonely? Sad? Angry? Was he someone who felt hopeless and wished for his needs? What was his story like?

I wish I was older, or smarter then. Maybe I could have asked him myself. I would want to support him if I could, bearing such a painful past. Too bad I was only a young playful child then. Even at the last days, there was no sympathy in me, no sadness. I never realized my loss until I grew up years later. But I loved his presence. I remember being terrified as he caned me when I did wrong. When he allowed me to ride with him on his motorcycle when he picked me up from childcare that day. Looking forward to the saturdays where he would take me and my brother out for meals, when playing with us playstation games. For being that big figure I felt safe in, that I know I could run to. He may not have been the most ideal dad, but I know he loved us dearly. Papa, I wish I could have another chance to see you, there so much I want to tell you and do with you. I want to see you smile in pride of who I am today. I want to be able to eat with you, and share with you my secrets. To hug you when I'm sad and lonely. To wrestle with you in a battle of strength. To spend my future together with you. To be able to say to you "I love you" and hear you say back to me.

I havent cried over this in a long time. But I will be strong. I know everything has its purpose. I will live a good life, righteous in the eyes of God, loving in the hearts of men. I will make sure to do you, and God proud, and I will do my best in everything, till the day I am received in Your arms. Papa, I love you. And I know you loved me too. I know God loves me too and is watching over me in your place. So, I want to be that for others too, in the agape love God has for everyone, that there too might experience that joy and comfort in the belonging acceptance of Christ.

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The wise man build his house upon the rock.
Thursday, December 1, 2011

Cell had us reflecting back on the events of the year and how God has been a part of it.

The year has been crazily eventful I guess. A whole range of feelings from bipolar scales. Friendship; loneliness. Acceptance; rejection. Joy; melancholy. Achieved; failure. Help; helped. Love; heartaches. As I recall a point as to how the year started, our birthdays came to mind. Guess it's the fall from the peak. I get a picture in my head when the tracks stop and the carriage just rides off downwards, spinning helplessly, into a unstoppable vortex. And afterwards its just jamming down on the brakes to slow the descent, though it felt more like a mole digging underground; one claw after the another, a cumbering resistive pace.

At least one thing that has stayed constant throughout this turbulent time, was God. through the good and the bad, the laughter and the strife, at my brightest and the darkest, He was always there to see me through it. Often I get distracted and turn away, but His faithfulness never fails. I wanna be the same fire I was during march last year. To be that light and warmth, be contagious, and to be passionate. Keep my eyes on Jesus.
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7 24:27

Second question was to think of a struggle currently that I'd wish for God's intervention.

Instantaneously, you came to mind. A quick flashback played out in my mind about our journey. Why I did things I do. All in all, I hope for the day, where the reasons of the tears I shed when I hear the word salvation, is because I'll be able to see you find within everything, the happiness and love you've been missing for so long, accept it in your heart, and that I may partake in your joy. But till then, I promise to persevere.

Love endures.

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