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The Outsider, Sage.
Saturday, November 20, 2010

Been waiting for this day for quite some time. Am really glad that it has finally come to pass. Watching as your loved ones start to grow. But as their growth will cost a little sacrifice as well. Perseverance, faith and a love great enough to be hold back. Like letting go of a child's hand so that he/she can learn to walk, or to release a teen out to the world when they "grow wings". It's tough, but it's done for you, whether or not anyone sees it.

It's just like a drama part of my fantasies.

I never really expected myself to fit in with you. After all, I was no longer part of you, as much as some would like it that way. You moved one rank up, as the elected leaders to head the tribe. All I could do was to sit aside, and watch as you took up the crowns, setting yourself into your roles. I cheered on, rejoicing with you, despite that hurt hidden away at the ends of my smile. But I was genuinely happy for you.

Time passed. Our relationship grew. I grew as well, developing a immense love for the family as well as the leaders. I matured through time, and no longer was the child I was 6 months before. My relationship with some of you, helped kept me with the flow of the leaders. I would have been one of you, if only there was a seat more. But I was contented to be able to be with you all, even though our difference.

I never saw myself as one of you, albeit the inner desires. It was hard to accept, being the extra one, without the official pass. Some of you pulled me in, well, and others not. Some of us felt that with who I was, I ought to have been part of it. I felt honoured that I was valued in their eyes.

In my quiet observations, I hoped I could nonetheless contribute, in my own ways. I couldn't be in it, didn't mean that my gifts would be wasted. Maybe like a little fish to the bigger ones, a normal member trying to guide the leaders wasn't too much a good thing, though still accepted by those who knew me.

I watched, as you slowly fell from my standard, of what you should be doing as leaders, to this tribe. My skill, and my gift, I spotted infections growing in you. There were certain dynamics problems, that could be resolved with the know how. I passed on the wisdom to those who could make use of it. On the other hand, I stepped up, trying to fit in, and to "help" you become better.

Intentions. Those who knew me, knew my intentions. Nothing was done out of selfish gains. Everything I wanted better was for you and the tribe, and I centered my focus around it. It was my family after all, my life. But with you being sickly, I felt like I needed to step in.

I begin pushing for things. Unity within you, bonding, mutual understanding and to become a family yourself, for each other. It just had to be done. I picked up those with the same calling, and challenged them to help out. It made some of you uncomfortable, and caused others to move.

Much later, I begin to see things simmer, and I pushed harder, making aware my presence. I couldn't sit by and watch as things happened. some thing just had to be done. Inner friction and conflicts slowly built. At one time, I lost my patience, allowing anger took over, causing more friction between some of you.

Finally til this day, I've worked for, you finally came together, and poured your hearts to each other. Knowing this, I know it was time for me to go. I'm just glad that, after all this while, I did make a difference in helping you, even if it was small. Whether or not it is appreciated, I'm glad to see you grow now, better late than never. And as to me, I resolved to take my leave.



Overall, you know, to be objective, I think I did quite a lot for you. Though much undesirable, I sought to push you to what you all should be, to continue growing. Yes, I was an extra, a matter of fact, though my love for you and the people inevitably let me to be involved somehow with everything. Though I pretty much felt alone, knowing I'll never be a part of you, whether bonded or not. In fact most of the times, it felt horribly lonely, being an outsider, yet seeing so much things going wrong, and trying my best to help, and often, being the bad guy by pointing out the faults.

My closeness to you allowed me to be partially involved, as much as my desire to be as in as I could, and I imposed myself as a "guide", watching your paths and warning your turns each step. Maybe I crossed the line, I placed myself into a triangle which I did not belonged. But really, all I wanted for you was the best and for you to be as effective and to reach your potential. If I couldn't be it, then I'll make you it. I guess I could and would never be it, even though it lingers in my deep desires.

At one point of time, I gave up on you. However seeing some of you struggle, I once again took up the call to help. I could and I knew it. Whether or not it was needed. And I admit I was at fault when I lost my patience, venting my frustration on you, that I offer my sincerest apologies.



Now at the sharing, I expected my name to come forth, knowing my dealings with you and to some of the unhappiness caused. Seeing how long the meeting took, I knew for sure it was an effective one, with a lot of talk being said out, and finally, I hope there would be some realness within what the family should be like. From then,I knew it was time to go. And in my resolve, I would be washing my hands of your matters. It was time I let go of your hand, and let you stand on your own.

I knew there would be matters raised against me, or with the way I was doing things. Just wanted to say, as harsh or perhaps threatening or undesirable in the ways I did things and things that might have made some unhappy, I really done it for the best of you. I kinda see myself as an outsider "sage" with my skills and knowledge and seeing how things were going, just powerless to do anything about it. I wished I could do more, but ha.

Anyway, I think I would really like to thank those that stood up for me. Really. I never really thought anyone would, aside for the typical friends that would fight their way to clear my name HAHA. Really, I feel dam touched, especially when mostly I have been getting negative feedback of me. Thank you for defending me. Thank you.

I feel that I did something well. I made an impact to the way you were. I bugged you, I forced you, I scolded you, I advised you. My constant pushing helped you grow. And a little here a little there, efforts helped into making small impacts that added as a whole. To each person, such as today, I'm glad I made a difference.

But yea, this is where I'll get emotional. I go home tonight, with both a smile and tears in my heart. I'm happy because I know that I managed to do something for you. I know I've made a change.



To account for the tears would be to feel misunderstood and perhaps unappreciated. For the good I needed done, I had to play the bad guy, causing some along the way to become unhappy with me, much so that I became an issue. I dun even know how to fully express this in words, but it feels like, yea, I crossed my boundaries, stepped into another's territory so as to help them, and along the way, got "hated". I dunno if Im even expressing it properly now, but yea, am feeling quite hurt maybe? Sadded much hahax. Kinda feels like fine, fine, I'll be gone then. But ahh okay, really skip all the sad stuff, though I'll like to dwell in them. Shit really, this is one of the stuff that hits a certain sore spot, inner rejection and disapproval, even when doing good.

Blaaa either way, I'm just glad that at least I made an impact, did something right, did something to helped, and to see you grow, and change. I did what I could, the best I could. Perhaps evoke certain negative emotions along the way, but what had to be done had to be done. Problems needed to be solved. People needed to be attended to, I did what I had to do, and with that I'm glad.

But for now, I think, it's time for me to take a step back and give you the space you want. You need to learn on your own too, I need to stop coming in. I don't wish to be an "issue" either. So for whatever things it might be, I'm putting on my hat, dressed in my coat, and I'll be back into the shadows again. Maybe until next time. Keep up the good work. ^^

I'll walk alone, but I'll always be near.




Thank you chubby girl. Had a great time chatting with ya today =) Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for appreciating me. Hope you can get something from it.

P.S. work harder on your bejeweled score HAHA.



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Shit sometimes I'm so freaking self centered I keep talking about myself only. I need to friggin look pass myself. Rawr. Sorry for being such a whiny self-centered blockhead, I forgot about you, that you too might have you difficulties. I didn't even give you time to speak about yourself. Urgh. Dam. sorry sorry sorry. *hugs* thanks for caring for me so much.

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