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Far From Home
Friday, December 24, 2010
It's Christmas Eve.Frankly, I don't really feel anything, though I'm trying to fit myself into the mood. Either the days are being ordinary that they don't make a difference. Or extraordinary.Being having lotsa thoughts this festive day.Most of them circulating round friends.Sometimes I think I fail pretty much as a friend. Presently, I'm not sure if its a phase, but as I look into the current friendships I wonder where I am going. Bit by bit, cracks appear. For that gem whom I've found, I'm ever grateful for the blessed smooth journey. The other, silent conflicts bubbling from opposing principles and perspectives, held together by common interest. Yet, a subtle pain of trust being challenged by a void of understanding. To another, I'm yet living another by faith. One roughened by storms, scarred by life's tempest. One whom I do not know. A reclusing shadow, drawn towards the blanket of the night. The last of four, an agonizing force that compels me forward. Of no returns, this sets my greatest bond of altruistic measure.A common theme among them, a hidden wall. I only see the dark silhouette cast upon the ground by the light. My faith and trust wears thin. To try be by one yet in unknown.I can only find myself to blame. Not quite a good friend material anyway. Maybe I don't give that sense of security. As someone shared, I give this notion that I might just fly away anytime. I cant disagree. Many times I subconsciously depersonalized myself from others, because I don't want to be held down by bonds I don't want to sap my fuel. Or maybe I lost that touch of being relational. Don't want to live under the obligations of people's expectations either. A knowing that contracts me to do something. I look at you and ask myself what I am doing. I feel like a fool at times. I'm not even sure if there's any value in what I am doing. Well, I fail much, to provide that safe place, not as well as they did. That wariness hurts. I look at your double and wonder what it would be like if there was that zest, that smile backed by life. I wonder if maybe things would be more comfortable. And that I could give less and receive. I think it's me being greedy and self-centered. Always wanting people to care, to understand. I haven't really understood much of anyone. Perhaps even in my attempts, there's too much of self making me lose focus of others. As much as I try, I keep forgetting to ask why, as if assuming everything was fine.I should try talking less about myself and more of others. Maybe that'll work. Is it the norm to have little self-disclosure? Is it for protection or for selflessness? All these facades and secrets... I'm at a loss of what to do next. I cant go on pretending everything is fine when I'm struggling to keep my sanity that everything's alrite.I think I'm slowly losing it. The people around. Maybe I've changed, and brought in some wrongs. I'm so tired of working so hard and having to persevere through all this. What's the point of persistence if I'm ignorant about these matters. I don't know how to do anything anymore, I'm just learning, trying to pick up whatever I can.I feel so dry, I don't want to run this race any more. My joints are giving in. Growing weaker as the days go by. Yet I cant stop running. I don't want to continue, but I will. The force, whether by divine grace or foolish compulsion, picks me like a wind and edges me on. Sometimes through piercing shards that bleeds me for doing right.I feel like I'm walking in a parched desert, lost and aimless, yet knowing a step in any direction brings me closer to something. Under the dark, I'm haunted by apparitions of illusion friendships. I think I tried loving others so much I forgot how it felt like to be loved. I cant remember what it feels like to be the recipient of an unconditional care, having someone watch me, protect me, embrace me, and shower me with love. I don't even miss that feeling because any memories of it is wiped into oblivion, I can only vaguely picture what's left of that yearning of what it would feel like. I feel so far from home.I wish I can just drop everything and be part of everyone. I wish I can be like a child again, carefree and without responsibilities, with parents to love me lots. That I can be together with friends, with lives less complicated by time. Innocence that guides the genuineness between two. A love untainted by fears and worries. That warmth, unrestrained, filling the depths of my heart.But I only know I can never find it. And to cry on the floor thrashing and sulking will do no good to anyone. If I was to succumb to all these weaknesses, I'll lose out on all the things I can give others. There is no point if two strangers suffer in the cold lone if one could give up everything to add value to the other's life. I'll be willing to give up my life or happiness if it could make up for another person's life. Selflessness, or neglect? I've long lost hope on any good that I could ever find. I don't want that hope of others to die out as well.I think I'm running on an overdue love debt. I miss home. "" I really hope you can find someone who would love
you as much as you well deserve it someday."
I hope so too; someday =]
And that's how I spent my Christmas Eve, longing for a home I'll never find.Labels: EMO, frenz, heart, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Far From Home
Friday, December 24, 2010
It's Christmas Eve.Frankly, I don't really feel anything, though I'm trying to fit myself into the mood. Either the days are being ordinary that they don't make a difference. Or extraordinary.Being having lotsa thoughts this festive day.Most of them circulating round friends.Sometimes I think I fail pretty much as a friend. Presently, I'm not sure if its a phase, but as I look into the current friendships I wonder where I am going. Bit by bit, cracks appear. For that gem whom I've found, I'm ever grateful for the blessed smooth journey. The other, silent conflicts bubbling from opposing principles and perspectives, held together by common interest. Yet, a subtle pain of trust being challenged by a void of understanding. To another, I'm yet living another by faith. One roughened by storms, scarred by life's tempest. One whom I do not know. A reclusing shadow, drawn towards the blanket of the night. The last of four, an agonizing force that compels me forward. Of no returns, this sets my greatest bond of altruistic measure.A common theme among them, a hidden wall. I only see the dark silhouette cast upon the ground by the light. My faith and trust wears thin. To try be by one yet in unknown.I can only find myself to blame. Not quite a good friend material anyway. Maybe I don't give that sense of security. As someone shared, I give this notion that I might just fly away anytime. I cant disagree. Many times I subconsciously depersonalized myself from others, because I don't want to be held down by bonds I don't want to sap my fuel. Or maybe I lost that touch of being relational. Don't want to live under the obligations of people's expectations either. A knowing that contracts me to do something. I look at you and ask myself what I am doing. I feel like a fool at times. I'm not even sure if there's any value in what I am doing. Well, I fail much, to provide that safe place, not as well as they did. That wariness hurts. I look at your double and wonder what it would be like if there was that zest, that smile backed by life. I wonder if maybe things would be more comfortable. And that I could give less and receive. I think it's me being greedy and self-centered. Always wanting people to care, to understand. I haven't really understood much of anyone. Perhaps even in my attempts, there's too much of self making me lose focus of others. As much as I try, I keep forgetting to ask why, as if assuming everything was fine.I should try talking less about myself and more of others. Maybe that'll work. Is it the norm to have little self-disclosure? Is it for protection or for selflessness? All these facades and secrets... I'm at a loss of what to do next. I cant go on pretending everything is fine when I'm struggling to keep my sanity that everything's alrite.I think I'm slowly losing it. The people around. Maybe I've changed, and brought in some wrongs. I'm so tired of working so hard and having to persevere through all this. What's the point of persistence if I'm ignorant about these matters. I don't know how to do anything anymore, I'm just learning, trying to pick up whatever I can.I feel so dry, I don't want to run this race any more. My joints are giving in. Growing weaker as the days go by. Yet I cant stop running. I don't want to continue, but I will. The force, whether by divine grace or foolish compulsion, picks me like a wind and edges me on. Sometimes through piercing shards that bleeds me for doing right.I feel like I'm walking in a parched desert, lost and aimless, yet knowing a step in any direction brings me closer to something. Under the dark, I'm haunted by apparitions of illusion friendships. I think I tried loving others so much I forgot how it felt like to be loved. I cant remember what it feels like to be the recipient of an unconditional care, having someone watch me, protect me, embrace me, and shower me with love. I don't even miss that feeling because any memories of it is wiped into oblivion, I can only vaguely picture what's left of that yearning of what it would feel like. I feel so far from home.I wish I can just drop everything and be part of everyone. I wish I can be like a child again, carefree and without responsibilities, with parents to love me lots. That I can be together with friends, with lives less complicated by time. Innocence that guides the genuineness between two. A love untainted by fears and worries. That warmth, unrestrained, filling the depths of my heart.But I only know I can never find it. And to cry on the floor thrashing and sulking will do no good to anyone. If I was to succumb to all these weaknesses, I'll lose out on all the things I can give others. There is no point if two strangers suffer in the cold lone if one could give up everything to add value to the other's life. I'll be willing to give up my life or happiness if it could make up for another person's life. Selflessness, or neglect? I've long lost hope on any good that I could ever find. I don't want that hope of others to die out as well.I think I'm running on an overdue love debt. I miss home. "" I really hope you can find someone who would love
you as much as you well deserve it someday."
I hope so too; someday =]
And that's how I spent my Christmas Eve, longing for a home I'll never find.Labels: EMO, frenz, heart, thoughts
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