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I care too much not to
Sunday, November 28, 2010

He's right. You actually occupy my mind a whole lot that I ever thought you did. Every night, thoughts would ramble on in my mind, thinking how you were, how things could be better, it's stupid how I even worry for you sometimes.

Nah, I'm not in love. This is one girl that haunts my mind everyday, and it's not someone I'm like crushing on. yeap. lolz.

I dunno. It's been ages since we know each other, ok nah, not veh long, but yea, seems like eternity to me. When I first saw you, you caught my eye. The way you were, you way you looked, resembled a close past.

Things got going and developed more positively along the way. We tried all kinds of methods to makings things work. Many failed. I failed. I wasn't the best person, didn't all everything well.

Maybe I went through my own seasons, got a little rough, and lost it from there. It became a melancholic cycle of giving up, yet unable to truly put aside everything. Having recovered about a period of exclusion, I was back up again. But in time, the cycle would only repeat.

So here I am. Gave up from everything I tried. Being slow, nice, harsh, absent. Tried scolding, encouraging, threatening, forcing. Nope. I told you I'll stay, you told me to leave. Nothing works. All that's left now, is me sitting hidden round the corner, head bowed into my curled body, as I continue waiting. I care, but not enough for me to publicly sit at your doorstep, facing closed door the whole time. It's foolish, but heck, I can never understand why I do it anyway.

At least another thing I've learnt from this is that hey, I can be a friend after all. Maybe i ain't that crappy? Or perhaps things have to be crappy for me to become better. But yea, perhaps not the best, not doing's the right things, but woah, I am a friend, I think. haha.

Sometimes I dunno. You've been there all these time. I wonder if you knew, I wonder if I knew. But I know now, do you? After all that's been done, I wonder if it'll make any difference to you. Would it help things, would it help you? Cos I don't want to be that foolish boy knocking on your door, saying out a confession, only to have the door slammed in my face. It takes guts to. And I'm lacking it.

Maybe I'm being selfish, dwelling in my own fears of rejection. Bringing out a tender side from the hidden locker, and to have it rejected. But hey, if it's for the good for someone, I shouldn't have the focus on me rite. Or at least I'm already caring, just that I'm not doing anything, which I'll have to work on I guess.

Anyway, it pains me to see you go through all this. I don't really know what's going on, but I care a shitload too much to walk away. I wished you'll understand what I feel for you. Maybe it'll change everything. Maybe then you won't walk out on yourself or life anymore. Cos it breaks my heart so.

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