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A Penny For My Dimes
Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Feel dam horrible suddenly. Thoughts after thoughts just keep streaming through my mind.

Well, I think I'm still suffering from the severe trauma upon your revelation of something. I know that you have your ability to acquire much information, and is something that I'm always hungry for. But, be it your defenses or your own doing that you might have to hide many things from me. I can try to cope with that, that you're having your own purposes for it. But each time I found out something you have been hiding, it just breaks my trust once again. After a series of events, I dunno how else to trust you anymore. Is it just all a pretense?

I know everyone has their own defenses and mechanisms to protect themselves from the world. I had mine too. You had yours. But I wonder if I believed too much, and that I became a fool.

Time after time, it bugged me whenever I felt that balance of equity was tipped off to one side. I must admit, what you give me may be of different measures, and something I ought to be grateful for, but I just cant help but feel let down every time I see you hide something from me. Perhaps its for my good, perhaps its for someone elses' good.

Someone told me "I was brave to trust and believe, cause it's not something everyone can do." But here I am questioning myself, if it was bravery, or sheer foolishness.

I bared my heart with everything I had, random thoughts, silly dreams, even my deepest darkest secrets I dare not reveal. But I did when you asked. I trusted you, I went against my own heart, my own defenses, my own instincts and continue to share whatever I had with you. I don't understand, was I merely a babbling fool. Perhaps I shudn't have opened everything? A penny for my dimes. Friendship should never be counted in cost, but at times, I just cant help but feel cheated by you.

I'd think, I'll have to trouble you. If you cannot tell me the truth, then you know, I really plead that you play the same lie all the way through. Besides, I'm giving everything I have inside, and there somehow for whichever reasons you're keeping things from me. Protection, confidentiality, lies, facades, whichever. I dunno why you even want me as a friend this way, is it just a game? Every bit of my heart, I bared it all. Yet in return, I was left out of your door. My mistake to trust? Or my foolishness to believe?

This is perhaps the second time I cried for a friend. You're the 2nd one I let deeply in my heart. Maybe it was my mistake, or maybe we really aren't as much close in status as I'd think we are. Maybe I'm just an ordinary friend in your eyes, and I was the clingy one, thinking you had me as someone close all the while. I know that I might not be the best friend to my best friend, and you already have yours, and that's why I don't dare do much to this friendship in the fear of burdening you. I know I'm not a easy person to be close with. And thus I dare not ask you to be my friend. I dare not ask you to have me as a close friend just becos I see you as mine. In short, yes, I do have the fear that I'm not valued the same way I value you.

I dunno why I'm hidden from so many things. I don't have a right to know I guess, but I fail to understand why, why must there be so many things you have to hide from me. You'd want me to share everything I have, why wouldn't you do the same? Even when I'd lose out, I still trusted you as a friend. So why?

This has been the second time in this new place I struggle with an equity balance. People knowing everything about me, and none I know abt them. Would it be my fault because I choose to give everything?

I have my own issues with trust, and it absolutely doesnt come by easier at all, but I gave everything up for you, put aside my protection and believe, maybe I could find a friend in you. Every defense mechanism that protects me from the harm of this world, are a blatant show off to people around whether they understand it. But deep down in me, lies a tender and fragile part I protect from absolutely everyone and anyone. But for you, I've let you in. I don't know if I should trust anymore.

Should I? I'll be fine after tomorrow, til another day comes.


On a fair note. You have been someone great in my life. You were there for me when everyone else shunned me. You understand me, and help me reach my dreams and potential. You accept me for who I am despite me being extremely deviant and blockedheadly insensitive. I'm sure, there are many times you did something for my benefit that I didn't know of. Thank you for everything you've done for me as a friend. I know that I'm not someone easy to be with. I believe you have your own difficulties too. Thank you for everything you've done. =)

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