|
profile
journal
archives
others
follow+
|
Worth it all
Monday, November 29, 2010
It's inspiring to see how much you do for everyone on a daily basis. I'm not putting you high up on the pedestal, but each time I see you doing something, even as simple as making an effort to talk to those around you, it's just so amazing, and so darn inspiring.I know you'll object to this. But you, really are my hero. In all my life, I've never met someone that aggressive and passionate on doing such things. Maybe it's become a way of life to you, that you no longer see some of these as special, but the amount of impact you deal everyday, my heart shrivels at the thought of what your life would be. I wished I could be like you.================================
Anyways, been thinking about another of my life issue. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe love wasn't just the biggest issue. Digging old wounds to reexamine my life. Another recurrent theme I found was for my value. Maybe it was the past. Growing up, feeling without a need to be around, unaccepted, unwanted. Maybe it was beyond my first breath, at my first rejection, and with subsequent repercussions, I never meant anything to them. Maybe I just never felt accepted, wanted, or needed by anyone. Or maybe that's just what I keep lying to myself.Always had been struggling with my presence. Should I be around? Was I a burden? A thought that haunts my mind everyday. I realize I've been pretty much been searching to be valued, and genuinely wanted or needed by another. Desiring for that praise and affirmation for who I am. Is that why I keep doing all these works? Partially, I'll admit, or at least would be something that keeps me wondering if I was ever anything to anyone.Sometimes it leads me to the point of unbelief, that I would be of worth to someone. An inner desire to flaunt and hone my skills, that others might find a necessity in me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an extra roaming about on this earth. Doing something good maybe, but just some random fella, nobody much.Maybe I'm greedy? Discarding away what appears not genuine, or casual things that I felt would not last. But from an early genesis, I was deprived of that which was meant to be mine. In the present, I end up building a filter, sieving through, what I wanted, evaluating if one was appropriate for me.And then, perhaps this is why I dare not ask questions like he does. I don't feel like I'm worth the answer, worth the place in someone's life. I fear being a nuisance, that I had no dealings with them. I wasn't worth the information.Contradictory though. Maybe I take false pride in being a random fella. I comfort myself to fit that as my identity. I plan ahead, instead of letting doubts questioning my worth, I devalue myself so that at least it wouldn't hurt from disappointments. Yet maybe I'm still secretly desiring to be wanted, valued, affirmed, appreciated by someone. When a season sets in for doubts to fill my mind, questioning my worth as a nobody. And yet, I cant find an answer to it.You know, maybe even you being the closest to me, I'm not really sure what I am to you, or my value. Even though not formally expressed, I take the faith, that I might have found a place in someone. I think I know you do ._.History, has it's way of creeping back to you. It's like a curse, if never undone, bewitches your life for as long as it'll be then to overcome. It's ironic that even with sentences stating assumptions of my worth, it's written with words of doubt, as though it wasn't factual but I was just assuming it was.I'm dying for that value, a deeper kind of intrinsic value, to know that I'm actually part of someone's life. I looking forward to the day I can finally understand my worth to the people around me. In fact, I wished I knew what others thought of me, both the good and the bad. I think even to know I had that bit of genuine part of someone, would sooth this piercing pain within my heart.It's been much better since I started accepting myself. At least I had some ground to hold on to. Though it hurts every time I think outwards. Well at least its a step to begin with.Anyway, I'm sorry all, for being like that. I'm still dealing with it ._.Labels: EMO, heart, Me, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Worth it all
Monday, November 29, 2010
It's inspiring to see how much you do for everyone on a daily basis. I'm not putting you high up on the pedestal, but each time I see you doing something, even as simple as making an effort to talk to those around you, it's just so amazing, and so darn inspiring.I know you'll object to this. But you, really are my hero. In all my life, I've never met someone that aggressive and passionate on doing such things. Maybe it's become a way of life to you, that you no longer see some of these as special, but the amount of impact you deal everyday, my heart shrivels at the thought of what your life would be. I wished I could be like you.================================
Anyways, been thinking about another of my life issue. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe love wasn't just the biggest issue. Digging old wounds to reexamine my life. Another recurrent theme I found was for my value. Maybe it was the past. Growing up, feeling without a need to be around, unaccepted, unwanted. Maybe it was beyond my first breath, at my first rejection, and with subsequent repercussions, I never meant anything to them. Maybe I just never felt accepted, wanted, or needed by anyone. Or maybe that's just what I keep lying to myself.Always had been struggling with my presence. Should I be around? Was I a burden? A thought that haunts my mind everyday. I realize I've been pretty much been searching to be valued, and genuinely wanted or needed by another. Desiring for that praise and affirmation for who I am. Is that why I keep doing all these works? Partially, I'll admit, or at least would be something that keeps me wondering if I was ever anything to anyone.Sometimes it leads me to the point of unbelief, that I would be of worth to someone. An inner desire to flaunt and hone my skills, that others might find a necessity in me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an extra roaming about on this earth. Doing something good maybe, but just some random fella, nobody much.Maybe I'm greedy? Discarding away what appears not genuine, or casual things that I felt would not last. But from an early genesis, I was deprived of that which was meant to be mine. In the present, I end up building a filter, sieving through, what I wanted, evaluating if one was appropriate for me.And then, perhaps this is why I dare not ask questions like he does. I don't feel like I'm worth the answer, worth the place in someone's life. I fear being a nuisance, that I had no dealings with them. I wasn't worth the information.Contradictory though. Maybe I take false pride in being a random fella. I comfort myself to fit that as my identity. I plan ahead, instead of letting doubts questioning my worth, I devalue myself so that at least it wouldn't hurt from disappointments. Yet maybe I'm still secretly desiring to be wanted, valued, affirmed, appreciated by someone. When a season sets in for doubts to fill my mind, questioning my worth as a nobody. And yet, I cant find an answer to it.You know, maybe even you being the closest to me, I'm not really sure what I am to you, or my value. Even though not formally expressed, I take the faith, that I might have found a place in someone. I think I know you do ._.History, has it's way of creeping back to you. It's like a curse, if never undone, bewitches your life for as long as it'll be then to overcome. It's ironic that even with sentences stating assumptions of my worth, it's written with words of doubt, as though it wasn't factual but I was just assuming it was.I'm dying for that value, a deeper kind of intrinsic value, to know that I'm actually part of someone's life. I looking forward to the day I can finally understand my worth to the people around me. In fact, I wished I knew what others thought of me, both the good and the bad. I think even to know I had that bit of genuine part of someone, would sooth this piercing pain within my heart.It's been much better since I started accepting myself. At least I had some ground to hold on to. Though it hurts every time I think outwards. Well at least its a step to begin with.Anyway, I'm sorry all, for being like that. I'm still dealing with it ._.Labels: EMO, heart, Me, thoughts
|
