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It's a Love-Hate Thing
Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Well well well, I have dawned upon some new inspiration and acceptance of myself. Me being annoying. =)

Ha, I'm sure most people that know me have at least once have gotten annoyed the shit out by me. In fact, I dun think I have ever failed to not annoy somehow. But over the time as I go about doing my whole deviance and self acceptance thing, I have come to enjoy and liked even the flawed side of my annoyingness and it being a part of me and who I am.

History first, I started off as a super seriously annoying kid doing all sorts of irritating stuff to get people pissed. It was kinda out to get attention which I lacked quite a lot. And well, being annoying isn't a very good way of recieving positive attention, but well it does work. I believe I would be one of the most difficult kids back then, a horror to caregivers and friends.

It was until I lost my best friend in the process of my misbehaviour. I mean wow, I practically annoyed the shit out of best buddy so much he had it and just broke the friendship with me. Well it wasn't really his fault, I mean I really was a terror back then and having to tolerate me and be my friend for years was something he surpassed others in. But well, I had to learn my lesson the hard way.

Since then, I always had a fear, a fear that I will annoy others so much they would leave me as well, maybe hate me. And from then I never fully opened up to others cause I didn't want them to feel unhappy. I feared the rejection that others might give and closed myself inwards, becoming quite an introvert. And that being so, I was especially sensitive to negative comments about me being irritating or a nuisance. If I ever heard something like that, I would have totally break down inside instantly.

But moving forward to the present, I have come to realized this part of who I am, not that I should stay an annoying brat always but, somehow, I feel that as I accept this now "annoying" part of me, I begin to present it in a more well... genuine way with lesser motives of pure attention seeking behaviour. And the people around me have accepted me for who I am as well.

A few things sparked off a memory from a anime show, Clannad. I find myself relating to one of the characters, Sunohara. He's kinda like some really annoying guy in this show with his randomness and weird antics. But as unlikable as he is, he is still part of the clique and group of people, and in some way, his annoying behaviour is part of the whole group together as one. He's part of them, the way he is.

As I ponder over my doings, I find that I somehow develop a somewhat love-hate relationship with many people in a away that goes "Argh I haaaate you~" with yet an affectionate feeling with it. Somehow, that which I have yet to understand, is that well, this part of me being terribly "annoying" has become a part of their lives, and thru either making them positively and laughably pissed off at me, it would be something missing if I never existed. Perhaps this "annoyingness" in me brings out a thing in them which well, I dunno, does something good for them =P If you do know, please do let me know how I have made a difference to you small or big hahax.

But yea, I think its a wonderful and meaningful lesson, coming to accept and embrace part of me which I have avoided for ever so long. It's like having part of me restored, and my esteem raised. Haha, perhaps it really is true? When one is congruous with himself, things will really be quite well and nice ^^ At least, now I no longer hate and think myself to be an annoyance to others =] Oh and thanks to the people around for accepting me for who I am, both the good and the bad, it means a lot to me, and I believe to many others around also ^^

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