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Your Hand In Mine
Friday, October 1, 2010
Did a crazy thing today. Was working together with the gang to do up some MV, on a love song. Yes I know this is much silly for me to be in it in the first place. But yea, apparently there's this part of the script where I have to hold the hand of a girl. Simple thing for most.I struggled with it for more than 30 minutes? Kinda felt bad that I have to hold back the whole team because of one struggle of mine, but feel grateful that they were understanding enough not to press me or stuff but to keep giving me support.I think maybe something people might not understand would be that little component kept far hidden into the depths of my heart. I have this part of me locked away, and having to do this simple act of picking up another girl's hand requires me to unlock that side of me, which to be honest, remains locked away since over a decade, only to be genuinely seen by the tender moments I feel towards people such as those who are either terribly emo or just in need. Yea wahaha, rare sight to see Darren being loving ok HAHA.But yea, it not the act itself that I find difficulty with, but the essence behind the act itself. The essence and function of love behind it. To open my heart up to give out something from it. Yea, I'm dead sure, many people will say I'm putting too much effort/thoughts into just a simple act. But for me, its kinda like a place stored away so long its in a raw form, untouched. Doing it will be like how some people are unable to talk to their parents, or how some people are just unable to open up their hearts, or to believe that people will be there for them, or that something can make them happy, or maybe, even for some who cannot bring themselves to utter the words of their hearts, the truth that they just want someone there for them, to love them, to care for them (try it actually, to someone, reveal that vulnerable side, that is you actually can do it ^^). For you people out there that have something you just cant bring yourself to do, I'm sure it's not just a casual matter of simply "thinking too much".
Back to love, I believe everyone has that some soft spot, and you ought to know that you don't do that something for the sake of doing it. You can't talk to your dad just to talk, there is a form of love involved. You can't simply trust anyone with your being, you love to accept that you'll have faith in that person, I wonder if anyone understands, it's not the act of doing it, but the essence, the function if making it happen.
But owells. I think it's just really a step for me to take to open this part of me, kept away from the world. Of the cause of this impersonal affections I engage in. I did it anyway, but I dunno if I should continue pressing this, a whole wave of raw feelings can be overwhelming and uncontrollable which gets me a bit fearful.
I have realized, and gotten out of the bed at 4am just to write this down because it dawned about me a new revelations. Why I close up. I close up because I fear to love, and that when I love, I open up and then allow love to pour in. I can foresee how the desperate state of my loveless heart, void of love, where the moment I open the valves, things are going overwhelm every other. And my fear, my greatest fear in life, is being loved. (with cover that in another post)
In my very imaginations of affection. When I see myself holding someone's hands, I see myself opening my heart to love them, and in the reciprocal effect of being loved as I love. This choice to close myself up due to history, have disallowed me to love others and in return to cut myself from being loved. And I've done it so long, I forgotten the goodness of love and fear the feeling of it, that too good to be true feeling. I just know that I have such a high tendency to lose control of myself and overwhelm someone with a love held back for ages, and a love rejected for as long.
This love I speak off is the deeper essence of just the act of love I guess, really I cant find any other way to describe, but for example, like how couples hold hands when they have affections for each other. It's not who they're holding hands with or how, but why there are doing it. That's the core I'm talking about. Love in its most basic form.
This is freaky really. Now that I have open a tiny little hole, I have done two things which I do not normally do in this core of love. I held her by the hand, and to finally address some people as "jie". My very first time outwardly expressing the acknowledgment of "the family". <-- (You see, I really cant bring myself to write the words "my family") Will write more tomorrow.
But... am I finally truly beginning to love and be loved?
Labels: memories, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Your Hand In Mine
Friday, October 1, 2010
Did a crazy thing today. Was working together with the gang to do up some MV, on a love song. Yes I know this is much silly for me to be in it in the first place. But yea, apparently there's this part of the script where I have to hold the hand of a girl. Simple thing for most.I struggled with it for more than 30 minutes? Kinda felt bad that I have to hold back the whole team because of one struggle of mine, but feel grateful that they were understanding enough not to press me or stuff but to keep giving me support.I think maybe something people might not understand would be that little component kept far hidden into the depths of my heart. I have this part of me locked away, and having to do this simple act of picking up another girl's hand requires me to unlock that side of me, which to be honest, remains locked away since over a decade, only to be genuinely seen by the tender moments I feel towards people such as those who are either terribly emo or just in need. Yea wahaha, rare sight to see Darren being loving ok HAHA.But yea, it not the act itself that I find difficulty with, but the essence behind the act itself. The essence and function of love behind it. To open my heart up to give out something from it. Yea, I'm dead sure, many people will say I'm putting too much effort/thoughts into just a simple act. But for me, its kinda like a place stored away so long its in a raw form, untouched. Doing it will be like how some people are unable to talk to their parents, or how some people are just unable to open up their hearts, or to believe that people will be there for them, or that something can make them happy, or maybe, even for some who cannot bring themselves to utter the words of their hearts, the truth that they just want someone there for them, to love them, to care for them (try it actually, to someone, reveal that vulnerable side, that is you actually can do it ^^). For you people out there that have something you just cant bring yourself to do, I'm sure it's not just a casual matter of simply "thinking too much".
Back to love, I believe everyone has that some soft spot, and you ought to know that you don't do that something for the sake of doing it. You can't talk to your dad just to talk, there is a form of love involved. You can't simply trust anyone with your being, you love to accept that you'll have faith in that person, I wonder if anyone understands, it's not the act of doing it, but the essence, the function if making it happen.
But owells. I think it's just really a step for me to take to open this part of me, kept away from the world. Of the cause of this impersonal affections I engage in. I did it anyway, but I dunno if I should continue pressing this, a whole wave of raw feelings can be overwhelming and uncontrollable which gets me a bit fearful.
I have realized, and gotten out of the bed at 4am just to write this down because it dawned about me a new revelations. Why I close up. I close up because I fear to love, and that when I love, I open up and then allow love to pour in. I can foresee how the desperate state of my loveless heart, void of love, where the moment I open the valves, things are going overwhelm every other. And my fear, my greatest fear in life, is being loved. (with cover that in another post)
In my very imaginations of affection. When I see myself holding someone's hands, I see myself opening my heart to love them, and in the reciprocal effect of being loved as I love. This choice to close myself up due to history, have disallowed me to love others and in return to cut myself from being loved. And I've done it so long, I forgotten the goodness of love and fear the feeling of it, that too good to be true feeling. I just know that I have such a high tendency to lose control of myself and overwhelm someone with a love held back for ages, and a love rejected for as long.
This love I speak off is the deeper essence of just the act of love I guess, really I cant find any other way to describe, but for example, like how couples hold hands when they have affections for each other. It's not who they're holding hands with or how, but why there are doing it. That's the core I'm talking about. Love in its most basic form.
This is freaky really. Now that I have open a tiny little hole, I have done two things which I do not normally do in this core of love. I held her by the hand, and to finally address some people as "jie". My very first time outwardly expressing the acknowledgment of "the family". <-- (You see, I really cant bring myself to write the words "my family") Will write more tomorrow.
But... am I finally truly beginning to love and be loved?
Labels: memories, thoughts
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