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Love Counts My Suffering Nought
Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A friend asked me about relationships stuff and I kinda didn't wanted to go on about my whole long list of why's knowing how many people would refute my reasons but bah, couldn't help it.

Ok aside from my everything, I wanna focus more on myself first.

Myself as in, one of the reasons why I don't want to get into a relationship, or have people like me is cause I'm screwed up. Screwed up in a sense that I carry a heck lot of unseen problems and issues with me, quite a lot I don't even where to start. And mostly what people see of is just an exterior I learn to put up to be more adaptive. I wonder how many people see me as ok, cos overall, I think I'm not ok, I just try to be =l It's not exactly a facade but a temporal good front while I try manage these issues. It's like, how much of who you like me as, is really me? You just haven't seen the deeper parts.

Eh, basically, I'm predicting that anyone with me, in my current state aint gonna have a good time. And at least if it would to be in relationship, one important thing I really want is of course for the other party to be happy, and if I know I'm unable to give that then I'm shouldn't be bringing hurts to others.

And heh, many would say of how everyone has their own issues bla bla bla but heeeh. I know my well enough to know my own mechanism as to how I'll react what I'll do and like in my own personal way of how seriously screwed up I am inside. One evident way is how I dun have too many close friends, friends in a way that I don't have much of proper friendships with anyone and mostly they stay casual, I don't know if that's a norm, but I don't want to bring such dynamics into a real relationship. That would be just dreadful.

Well, something from my friend sparked of an interesting thought.

We are incomplete by ourselves, and we will need others to help us be complete. As much as we want to try fix all our problems on our own, we cant. It is through the love of others that help us get that. And in [true] love, there is no suffering. Hardships are counted naught for the sake of love, and well, suffering doesn't really exist then.

Pretty true heh? I doubt if I really wanna focus on "fixing", I'll ever accomplish it myself. Maybe I do have to open my heart for that support. Haha, of course I dream of having the support I wish I could get, how awesome it'll be to have someone by my side having to help me with all my issues. Heh, but I cant be sponging off others just to become better. Heh, How much of the love that support will be relied on that "person"s love instead of love on its own support. Meaning if that person is gone, my support is gone too? and everything crumbles.

BUT. I still have yet utmost request. Ha, of high standards. Lolz, no I don't set high standards cos I think I want someone good for me but heh, more for like themselves. I'll need unconditional love, or maybe my other half needs that. Cos truly, if it's just an expectant love, please be prepared to get hurt over and over again as long as you can take it. My personality and dynamics is a hard one to get along with, and unless you are able to see pass everything, understand my difficulties, heh, then perhaps you wouldn't get hurt like most would. =l

I dunno. Treat it as a self-esteem issue, but I really feel that, there is so much of me that is so to... love and be loved. Not only is it hard to get in, its hard to get out as well. Heh. So should I open up meself a bit? What if people get hurt? O.O Anyway, naaaah, still aint gonna get into one, there's still so much more it...

I gave you what I denied myself...

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