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Stand Alone
Friday, October 22, 2010

Woah, seriously, touching my laptop is such a weird feeling. It feels so clean, (even though my laptop is considered super dirty already) camp was pretty dirtyish and haha, at least my laptop feels particle free xD

Hais, honestly, overall, I don't think I really enjoyed myself in the camp. Felt pretty left out at times and the rest of the moments were left to me struggling to fit in or doing my best to look out for others. Emo-ed every now and then but tried to keep myself up for the campers and my partner.

I'm not shooting anyone nor wanting to judge you, but I'm just expressing my own feelings alrite ._. So no offense if any of you reads this.

To begin with, I really didn't feel at home with this current group of facils. Didn't click well with the guys, and felt like an extra amongst the girls. Most of the times, I was either trying to "make my existence known" either by doing retarded things, joining in conversations, perhaps "hiding' in one corner" passively for interaction or to bide away time and maybe, redeeming myself thru acts of niceness to the peeps around. You know how they say, it's always best to be yourself and not try to be another person, I really struggled with that.

I'll start with the guys first. You guys can be a really fun bunch, and I do enjoy many of the moments with you. The gossips and and weird random things we do, the epic jokes everyone makes. However, I kind felt overshadowed by everyone else, feeling pretty small as though my being there made any difference.

Secondly, I really, really, really hated all the horny jokes about all the kind of sex and humping that is going on around with the guys. It's seriously not my thing, and I find it quite disgusting. In the end, I spend most of my time away from the guys because there wasn't any point tagging along with them watching them do "their stuff" while I stay in one corner. Gay jokes with "manly affection" for another is fine for me, like hugging and stuff, but it crosses the line when people start thrusting their hips with their faces and sexual references. Seriously, it may be a typical guy thing, but it's kinda the reason why I feel appalled and disappointed with my own 'kind'.

As for the girls, most of them are from ech and cpee, and are already pretty close among themselves. Hanging with them felt so muuuuch more comfortable without all the obscene nonsense from the guys. Not really their fault or anything, but in the end, I still felt like an extra among them. And having the typical me and all my lame crap, hope I didn't annoy anyone that much. Tried hard to blend in but obviously we're of different worlds. Haha, they had their own thing, or maybe its everyone as they are and me just being abnormal ._.

Kinda proud of myself though, that at least I made an effort not to dwell on the emo stuff and constantly overcome it, either by reshaping my thoughts to finding better objectives to meet. Hope that I managed to make the lives of the campers around me a bit easier, though I kinda lost it at the last morning =l sorry. Haha, mixed around with Genevieve at times when I see her roaming alone, didn't want her to feel left out either. Haha she has a darn cute random side to her xD Yay for random senseless chats! Evil unicorns making magical marshmallows =P Hahahax

Something I noticed was also the constant touchiness going on about, not that I mean it as a bad thing, but I keep seeing tons of hugs and pats going on about, friend to friend, partner to partner, and I wonder to myself if I'm the only one that's left out in all these. You know, I wonder if this is necessary, or nice, and that I wonder if I do enough to encourage and affirm the people around me. It's kinda weird sometimes to see the people around me "touching" my partner and when I'm not doing anything ._. Hope I didn't disappoint any expectations or anything, cause I think y'all are awesome haha just that I'm a bit afriad to show it in such expressive manners the way ya all do, but wahahas, naise (Y) =D

I think finally to wrap up my whole experience, was the constant battle between trying to fit in and become like others versus going without the need for approval from others, to go solo at times. Was pretty hard, especially with the guys. Constantly thought to myself if I had do the things they did so to be part of them or to just walk away from the things I felt was wrong or totally unnecessary. The struggle between acceptance and deviance. At least I chose not to conform, and I'm proud of it.

Feel like dropping out of most hms activities or camps because of the people. But I should really give it more chance right. After all, there is much to learn even from the difficult situations. I think personally for me, it's gonna be an important lesson, much inclined with my deviant nature. Hopefully though, that I did leave at least a bit of positive impact to the people around me =)

Oh and a quick note to my partner Alida, thanks for being such an awesome partner. Especially during the times when I'm not around. I think you did a really great job (cos I suck at talking to them lol) Oh, thanks for being so understanding too and don't worry about the pissy moments alrite, I didnt really felt them =) And really, from the utmost bottom of my heart, thanks a lot a lot for appreciating my chimness =P Haha didn't really do much of it cos I veh scared I bore you ._. But yea, thanks ^^ means a lot to me =D You're awesomez and nice too! =D

Owells, til the next time then.

I feel like I need an extra dose of love cos everything seems so sucky at the moment

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