It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
Sometimes, I think so much that I end up not wanting to write anything, which is worse right, since I lose the memories of these precious moments forever. Sighz, months of thoughts gone. Gotta learn to keep things simple.
Life isn't good for me now. Everything is going well though, top 3 in my platoon, best knowledge, top 10 in wing. But all in all, I've lost touch with life, I feel empty and adrift, with no meaning and life in everything I do.
Trying hard to get myself back, but it seems like I lost it. The person I was, or that which I thought myself to be. Now it's just the ugly, isolated, lifeless me.
First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~
All our ingredients!
Snacking on nutella-dipped marshmallows while the rest do the work wahaha!
Jelly hearts in the making
Gabriel's spongebob cookie
Pizza-sized cookie (which no one ate)
Random beef steak we decided to cook
Mouldy looking cookie from too much blue colouring
TUESDAY
Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.
WEDNESDAY
Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.
Cell playing games~
How well do you know your friends?
Abel sitting in Samuel's boot! One in a lifetime experience!
THURSDAY
Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.
Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.
FRIDAY
First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.
At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday
SATURDAY
Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.
SUNDAY
Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.
The kids that got left behind xD Too lazy to lift our butts.
So yea that's it! It's been an eventful and long week, going to say that it's been time well spent! Glad to have this time and chance to spend with the people around me. Next week, back to army!
My days of BMT are over! It's been such a great learning journey. As opposed to what the majority would say, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time in there. I've gotten stronger physically and mentally, worked on my character, discipline and skills. Day by day, I feel myself becoming a better person.
Army has taught me a lot, to push on and persevere when things get hard, that discipline in the little amounts to bigger things, and finally, it has pushed my tolerance with people I'm not always too happy with.
Made great memories too, laughing our asses off with my bunkmates during the nights, bearing the nickname "Merlion" after I vomitted from food poisoning one of the nights. Being laughed at my over-zealousness for retaking my IPPT and SOC just for the fun of it. All our wacky impersonations of our commanders.
Throughout, I didn't really made a purpose to stand out, often keeping in the sidelines. I held back a lot due to fear. Only during the last few weeks, I began to let go, and when I did, I could see myself progressing above the rest as I throttled my way forward. Part of me regrets not doing more than I could, but
Section mates
Visitors for my POP graduation. Honestly, I'm happy friends came for my POP. Felt special being able to go back to someone after ending my arduous march and BMT.
Mom~
frenz~
So yea, here's to the first chapter of my army life. Striving to become better and stronger with all that I've learnt. Hoorah!
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.
You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.
Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.
Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?
Spent my days out rewatching an old anime, Toradora. Pretty cute show but filled with deep concepts throughout. Watching it again made me I could understand more of the hidden storyline between the characters. Guess I have quite a few learning points I could take back from it too though. Shall let it linger on my mind a few days more.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
Sometimes, I think so much that I end up not wanting to write anything, which is worse right, since I lose the memories of these precious moments forever. Sighz, months of thoughts gone. Gotta learn to keep things simple.
Life isn't good for me now. Everything is going well though, top 3 in my platoon, best knowledge, top 10 in wing. But all in all, I've lost touch with life, I feel empty and adrift, with no meaning and life in everything I do.
Trying hard to get myself back, but it seems like I lost it. The person I was, or that which I thought myself to be. Now it's just the ugly, isolated, lifeless me.
First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~
All our ingredients!
Snacking on nutella-dipped marshmallows while the rest do the work wahaha!
Jelly hearts in the making
Gabriel's spongebob cookie
Pizza-sized cookie (which no one ate)
Random beef steak we decided to cook
Mouldy looking cookie from too much blue colouring
TUESDAY
Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.
WEDNESDAY
Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.
Cell playing games~
How well do you know your friends?
Abel sitting in Samuel's boot! One in a lifetime experience!
THURSDAY
Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.
Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.
FRIDAY
First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.
At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday
SATURDAY
Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.
SUNDAY
Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.
The kids that got left behind xD Too lazy to lift our butts.
So yea that's it! It's been an eventful and long week, going to say that it's been time well spent! Glad to have this time and chance to spend with the people around me. Next week, back to army!
My days of BMT are over! It's been such a great learning journey. As opposed to what the majority would say, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time in there. I've gotten stronger physically and mentally, worked on my character, discipline and skills. Day by day, I feel myself becoming a better person.
Army has taught me a lot, to push on and persevere when things get hard, that discipline in the little amounts to bigger things, and finally, it has pushed my tolerance with people I'm not always too happy with.
Made great memories too, laughing our asses off with my bunkmates during the nights, bearing the nickname "Merlion" after I vomitted from food poisoning one of the nights. Being laughed at my over-zealousness for retaking my IPPT and SOC just for the fun of it. All our wacky impersonations of our commanders.
Throughout, I didn't really made a purpose to stand out, often keeping in the sidelines. I held back a lot due to fear. Only during the last few weeks, I began to let go, and when I did, I could see myself progressing above the rest as I throttled my way forward. Part of me regrets not doing more than I could, but
Section mates
Visitors for my POP graduation. Honestly, I'm happy friends came for my POP. Felt special being able to go back to someone after ending my arduous march and BMT.
Mom~
frenz~
So yea, here's to the first chapter of my army life. Striving to become better and stronger with all that I've learnt. Hoorah!
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.
You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.
Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.
Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?
Spent my days out rewatching an old anime, Toradora. Pretty cute show but filled with deep concepts throughout. Watching it again made me I could understand more of the hidden storyline between the characters. Guess I have quite a few learning points I could take back from it too though. Shall let it linger on my mind a few days more.
Darren Nico Pillai