#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...
Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.
I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.
Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.
I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.
I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.
Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.
Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.
"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."
Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
Turned on my laptop and being greeted by my desktop. Nothing has changed since a year. Makes me wonder if my life is the same.
Though my circumstances around me have changed quite a fair bit, what about the inner self? Has it grown, have I matured, or does that same empty void of a hidden child lingers?
The place I call home are but few and far, and often I don't know where else to go. Sometimes wish I could escape into another world.
The Comissioned Officers!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.
You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.
Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.
But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.
I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.
I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.
Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.
are often the people you least expect to be friends with.
I'm come to learn that every time I try to form a picture of what an ideal friendship would be like, I become even more distant from the reality of even making true friendships. On the contrary, it's in the moments when neither of us cared about anything, and simply let things be as they are; without fear, expectations, reservation and restraint. Then do two or more individuals open the door to vulnerability and genuineness, allow a connection to form as the persons they are.
Love that quenches
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.
Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P
But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.
Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.
For anyone that wonders what has happened to me, it's been a down and out season for me ever since I could last remember.
I know I haven't been talking to anyone at all. Somehow there this urge in me to avoid everyone, hiding into this reclusive isolation. Wonder if it's me falling back into the mire of self pity or the reemergence of my past struggles.
I wish they'd know and understand, but it'd always end up with an erased message, and a reminder to myself its better off not being a burden to them. I'd explain myself but after repetitively hurting others, it becomes meaningless and pointless.
I wonder if I've done enough. Tried, given and sacrificed enough. Enough to make up for their worth in my life, enough to repay what they've done for me. I know I feel something for each and everyone that played a part in my life, yet I can't find the heart within myself to truly cherish and make them feel valued. Worse still, at this juncture of my life, I'm indifferent to the loss of people in my life, to the degree of even my family.
People reading this might ask, what exactly is it that I want. I ask myself that too, but I dun really know. Maybe to understand love, to feel that sense of excitement and anticipation while waiting to see a loved one. Maybe for someone to pull me out of this emotional abyss.
It's hard though, living with constant struggle between repression and facing my anxieties. I deeply desire companionship, yet fear the possibility of upsetting others, leading to their disapproval or even departure.
Maybe all I need is for someone to grab hold of me and slap reality back into me. Or maybe there's already ppl there, only that I'm blinded by the idealistic expectations I impose on myself and unknowingly those around too.
Dear God...
Saturday, February 9, 2013
I pray for everything to be alright.
Unresolved Past
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
Sometimes, I think so much that I end up not wanting to write anything, which is worse right, since I lose the memories of these precious moments forever. Sighz, months of thoughts gone. Gotta learn to keep things simple.
Life isn't good for me now. Everything is going well though, top 3 in my platoon, best knowledge, top 10 in wing. But all in all, I've lost touch with life, I feel empty and adrift, with no meaning and life in everything I do.
Trying hard to get myself back, but it seems like I lost it. The person I was, or that which I thought myself to be. Now it's just the ugly, isolated, lifeless me.
First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~
All our ingredients!
Snacking on nutella-dipped marshmallows while the rest do the work wahaha!
Jelly hearts in the making
Gabriel's spongebob cookie
Pizza-sized cookie (which no one ate)
Random beef steak we decided to cook
Mouldy looking cookie from too much blue colouring
TUESDAY
Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.
WEDNESDAY
Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.
Cell playing games~
How well do you know your friends?
Abel sitting in Samuel's boot! One in a lifetime experience!
THURSDAY
Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.
Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.
FRIDAY
First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.
At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday
SATURDAY
Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.
SUNDAY
Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.
The kids that got left behind xD Too lazy to lift our butts.
So yea that's it! It's been an eventful and long week, going to say that it's been time well spent! Glad to have this time and chance to spend with the people around me. Next week, back to army!
My days of BMT are over! It's been such a great learning journey. As opposed to what the majority would say, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time in there. I've gotten stronger physically and mentally, worked on my character, discipline and skills. Day by day, I feel myself becoming a better person.
Army has taught me a lot, to push on and persevere when things get hard, that discipline in the little amounts to bigger things, and finally, it has pushed my tolerance with people I'm not always too happy with.
Made great memories too, laughing our asses off with my bunkmates during the nights, bearing the nickname "Merlion" after I vomitted from food poisoning one of the nights. Being laughed at my over-zealousness for retaking my IPPT and SOC just for the fun of it. All our wacky impersonations of our commanders.
Throughout, I didn't really made a purpose to stand out, often keeping in the sidelines. I held back a lot due to fear. Only during the last few weeks, I began to let go, and when I did, I could see myself progressing above the rest as I throttled my way forward. Part of me regrets not doing more than I could, but
Section mates
Visitors for my POP graduation. Honestly, I'm happy friends came for my POP. Felt special being able to go back to someone after ending my arduous march and BMT.
Mom~
frenz~
So yea, here's to the first chapter of my army life. Striving to become better and stronger with all that I've learnt. Hoorah!
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.
You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.
Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.
Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...
Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.
I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.
Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.
I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.
I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.
Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.
Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.
"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."
Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
Turned on my laptop and being greeted by my desktop. Nothing has changed since a year. Makes me wonder if my life is the same.
Though my circumstances around me have changed quite a fair bit, what about the inner self? Has it grown, have I matured, or does that same empty void of a hidden child lingers?
The place I call home are but few and far, and often I don't know where else to go. Sometimes wish I could escape into another world.
The Comissioned Officers!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.
You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.
Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.
But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.
I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.
I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.
Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.
are often the people you least expect to be friends with.
I'm come to learn that every time I try to form a picture of what an ideal friendship would be like, I become even more distant from the reality of even making true friendships. On the contrary, it's in the moments when neither of us cared about anything, and simply let things be as they are; without fear, expectations, reservation and restraint. Then do two or more individuals open the door to vulnerability and genuineness, allow a connection to form as the persons they are.
Love that quenches
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.
Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P
But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.
Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.
For anyone that wonders what has happened to me, it's been a down and out season for me ever since I could last remember.
I know I haven't been talking to anyone at all. Somehow there this urge in me to avoid everyone, hiding into this reclusive isolation. Wonder if it's me falling back into the mire of self pity or the reemergence of my past struggles.
I wish they'd know and understand, but it'd always end up with an erased message, and a reminder to myself its better off not being a burden to them. I'd explain myself but after repetitively hurting others, it becomes meaningless and pointless.
I wonder if I've done enough. Tried, given and sacrificed enough. Enough to make up for their worth in my life, enough to repay what they've done for me. I know I feel something for each and everyone that played a part in my life, yet I can't find the heart within myself to truly cherish and make them feel valued. Worse still, at this juncture of my life, I'm indifferent to the loss of people in my life, to the degree of even my family.
People reading this might ask, what exactly is it that I want. I ask myself that too, but I dun really know. Maybe to understand love, to feel that sense of excitement and anticipation while waiting to see a loved one. Maybe for someone to pull me out of this emotional abyss.
It's hard though, living with constant struggle between repression and facing my anxieties. I deeply desire companionship, yet fear the possibility of upsetting others, leading to their disapproval or even departure.
Maybe all I need is for someone to grab hold of me and slap reality back into me. Or maybe there's already ppl there, only that I'm blinded by the idealistic expectations I impose on myself and unknowingly those around too.
Dear God...
Saturday, February 9, 2013
I pray for everything to be alright.
Unresolved Past
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and
catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.
Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete
week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside
that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn
to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication
to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards
when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like
doing that.
I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay
even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been
through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend,
and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s
unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a
stronger person; but the pain remains.
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas
I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I
could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try
hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the
repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.
My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping
mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone
from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity,
manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas
pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop
apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each
other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.
Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers
into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.
Sigh, I'm tired and I can't do this by myself. Is it right for me to yearn love from others? Why do I treat people so loosely? Do I truly love anyone? Am I ok? Am I genuinely good-hearted or is it a hypocritical way of making myself feel better?
"Because people accept the kind of love they think they deserve." - Perks of Being a Wallflower
Sometimes, I think so much that I end up not wanting to write anything, which is worse right, since I lose the memories of these precious moments forever. Sighz, months of thoughts gone. Gotta learn to keep things simple.
Life isn't good for me now. Everything is going well though, top 3 in my platoon, best knowledge, top 10 in wing. But all in all, I've lost touch with life, I feel empty and adrift, with no meaning and life in everything I do.
Trying hard to get myself back, but it seems like I lost it. The person I was, or that which I thought myself to be. Now it's just the ugly, isolated, lifeless me.
First day of block leave to chillout! Went baking with the cell. We made random butter cookies and jelly heart cake and marshmallows dipped in nutella! Our cookies turned out worse than we hoped but we still had fun spending time with each other and laughing our heads off. I swear nutella goes well with everything~
All our ingredients!
Snacking on nutella-dipped marshmallows while the rest do the work wahaha!
Jelly hearts in the making
Gabriel's spongebob cookie
Pizza-sized cookie (which no one ate)
Random beef steak we decided to cook
Mouldy looking cookie from too much blue colouring
TUESDAY
Met up with Architects for dinner at night. Kinda love how we're still together as a group since mroe than a year ago. This is the only sole group that disproves my notion towards camp groups being one-off and temporary. It shows that if we chose to, we could make it happen. I'm thankful for everyone in the group, and being accepted for the joking idiot I am there.
WEDNESDAY
Had a superb and meaningful time with cell. Was invited to lead that week. Racked my head the whole day over what I could bring in that week. It wasn't till the around last hour (6pm) that I somehow managed to pull together something, revolving around the accountability and upholding of christian brotherhood. A God-led session, I'd say it was. It's a feeling that's growing ever so familiar. To lead not by my own wisdom but through the grace of God. The things you do, the words you speak, you just know it isn't the typical you doing all this. Had a really great activity once again much to the anticipation and excitement of some members, that which I am extremely grateful and thankfully extolled for. Love to see the cell members enjoying themselves.
Cell playing games~
How well do you know your friends?
Abel sitting in Samuel's boot! One in a lifetime experience!
THURSDAY
Interpreting for a deaf staff from NP at a workshop organized by Rohei. Rohei is a really good organization, I'd like to dream working there. Their workshops, camps and acitivities and thoroughly well planned and aptly designed to invoke and capture specific learning outcomes, something I greatly envision and admire. The people too have a special touch to them, something undeniably attractive, I wonder what's the secret behind them.
Anyway, got to interpret for this deaf staff which I met for the first time. Interesting thing is, he comes from deaf parents. Deaf fmailies develop very differently from that of mixed conditions. He's a really nice guy, outgoing and friendly. And a pity, my reading skills have rusted terribly, especially finger-spelling. Had to "chicken" re-spelt before I could even get anything close. Sighs.
FRIDAY
First half of the day was back at interpreting again. Glad to have the exposure. Rohei offered to pay us, which would have been an insane amount of $120 for that day. I declined feeling terrible to take money for a simple service like this.
At midnight, the cell executed our plan for night cycling. Some of them couldn't join us at the last minute sadly. The rest of us were mostly worn out by the day's activities. Nonetheless we enjoyed ourselves. Our route was from pasir ris to east coast park down my route march, and then through the park connectors on our return. Rode a double bike with Jewel after great persuasion. I love double bikes, I love the increased inertia that propels our bike forward for a longer pace, and that it feels like a rocket, and lastly that there's someone riding together with you. I made Jewel yell and scream a lot with my silly antics, it was quite entertaining. All in all, when the day ended (started to be exact) we all flopped around in macs waiting to return our bikes. And it was a night well spent~Saturday
SATURDAY
Went to TSS followed by meeting up with Tim for our one-to-one chat. Really great having a friend like him to share our deep thoughts with. Sometimes there no other people that can understand the things we share and our chemistry has something special to it. Updated each other on some of our happenings as well as some of the issues we were facing currently. He's really a brother for keeping, I pray to God that I won't lose him, at least for as long as I can.
SUNDAY
Last day of the week. Had my last visit to church before confinement. I love going there. It always brings be back closer to God no matter whhat I've done, where I've been. Refresh myself all over again,together with a new teaching and principle to lay down in my life. Headed out to Bake & Brew with cell for lunch. Spent a lot of money there but the food was definitely good.
The kids that got left behind xD Too lazy to lift our butts.
So yea that's it! It's been an eventful and long week, going to say that it's been time well spent! Glad to have this time and chance to spend with the people around me. Next week, back to army!
My days of BMT are over! It's been such a great learning journey. As opposed to what the majority would say, I've thoroughly enjoyed my time in there. I've gotten stronger physically and mentally, worked on my character, discipline and skills. Day by day, I feel myself becoming a better person.
Army has taught me a lot, to push on and persevere when things get hard, that discipline in the little amounts to bigger things, and finally, it has pushed my tolerance with people I'm not always too happy with.
Made great memories too, laughing our asses off with my bunkmates during the nights, bearing the nickname "Merlion" after I vomitted from food poisoning one of the nights. Being laughed at my over-zealousness for retaking my IPPT and SOC just for the fun of it. All our wacky impersonations of our commanders.
Throughout, I didn't really made a purpose to stand out, often keeping in the sidelines. I held back a lot due to fear. Only during the last few weeks, I began to let go, and when I did, I could see myself progressing above the rest as I throttled my way forward. Part of me regrets not doing more than I could, but
Section mates
Visitors for my POP graduation. Honestly, I'm happy friends came for my POP. Felt special being able to go back to someone after ending my arduous march and BMT.
Mom~
frenz~
So yea, here's to the first chapter of my army life. Striving to become better and stronger with all that I've learnt. Hoorah!
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.
You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.
Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.
Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?
Darren Nico Pillai